The Quirkiness of the Long Distance Blogger

As a long term slightly quirky blogging diarist, I have to give myself little goals to achieve. Not goals like in the world cup where you have to kick a small round thing into a sort of fruit cage affair.

One of the primary objectives of any blogger is does anyone actually look at your blog, are they friendly, will they send you large sums of money, will the very nice Steven Spielberg make your very very long diary into a block buster film or films, (it is very long).  If the answer to all these is no then you have to find odd little glimmers of hope from other things.

I therefore have achieved something this month that is very positive indeed, this month has seen the best month ever for Page Views with close to seven and a half thousand as we approach the end of June. Now I have no way of knowing if that is good or not and I am aware that certain things can distort those figures, so I do not use those dynamic view design options they add thousands of page views that don’t exist, I learnt that very early on. I also do not count my own views of my blog or that would just get confusing and I do not allow anonymous commenting that just attracts automated web crawlers and they are well annoying beasts.

I suspect folk are going to say . . .  is that all HEY I get that a day . . .  but I just don’t know what is good or bad in the world of blogging, it is full of smoke and mirrors and a lot of hype so I just keep to my own goals.  Strangely if there is one thing the football teams in the world cup hate it is own goals, but as a blogger it is what keeps me striving to bigger and better things, well that and the dream that the very nice Steven Spielberg will stop burning the manuscript to the film of the diary of the book of the blog

The world of blogging is a fickle world but there are some good folk out there, Mr ESB, Miss Laura, Mr Addman, Mr H, Miss Lily and Master Meglos, Miss Hannah,  Mr Flip, Mr B, P Von P, Mr G to name but a few. And so you may ask yourself why do we do this, what drives us in our guest for fame fortune and celebrity without moving from the comfort of our armchairs. The answer is simple we are all IDIOTS……….

The Fish the Crab and the Hot Chocolate

It was very hot today indeed and I have been staggering about a bit like a Zombie, something that happens from time to time when my feet protest about the fact they have to be at the bottom of me while the head gets to be at the top. Feet find themselves in this position most days which is why they tend to be the grumpiest individual body part. Arms sometimes complain a bit at times but they can flap about, which feet cant without making you look like an IDIOT unless you are Fred Astaire . . . . I am not Fred Astaire; in fact I am not Fred Anybody of any sort. Although I may have lost the Thread a bit now as it appears no one is any the wiser about my day (including me) and no one knows what I have done (including me) . . . . . I hate it when you have days where you run about all day and then at the end of the day you cant remember what you did.

Actually that reminds me we went to the vineyard where I drank hot chocolate and ate a rather good slice of chocolate cake, and watched someone doing a wine tasting thing. It appears if you do it (vine tasting) with hot chocolate folk say you are an IDIOT particularly if you attempt your Fred Astaire impression at the same time. My tip of the day would be do not do this.

Anyway while we were away I draw stuff so tonight’s drawing is a Crab and a fish, I did see a couple of fish leaping in the bay, but not Dolphins and I did see a couple of crabs but they were slightly dead. . . .That’s seagulls for you, if you are a small crab all I can say is do not get lured in by the old . . . . .HAY show me your Fred Astaire Impression little crab . . . . .. . . . . it will only lead to misfortune.

Ooooo yes I put some sea glass in a glass bowl so I can now see the sea glass through the glass.

Well that’s it I’m off  . . . . . . I don’t think I have told you about the huge cat yet.     

R is for Rut

I have been busy today making a rut. . . . . Yes a rut, not a hut. And there are good reasons for this that I’m sure folk will agree with. You see us human beings are creatures of habit. Folk may say they are not and they like to be spontaneous and non conformist, but there is much myth in this, and like all creatures that like to live in large colonies, some of which bear (or bare) a striking resemblance to a termite mound, we are rather predictable. Some folk may find this depressing, but it is biologically built into our DNA because if we all went off doing spontaneous stuff all the time the world would fall into anarchy and chaos. Much like a termite hill would if all the worker termites decided to take up water polo or making models of Elvis. 

However there is one thing I am always told that should not befall us, and that is to get into a rut, this is a sort of valley which means it is difficult to get out of like a model scalextric racing car on its track. Which would imply that once you are travelling very fast you will suddenly fly off and hit the bookcase? I have a feeling this may have happened to me once, but I was unaware of the reason at the time.

But in a moment of genius today where I remembered that Baldrick in the last of the Black Adder series set in WW1 decided that if he was to scratch his name on a bullet and hang on to it he would know where the bullet with his name on was and so would be safe.  So today I thought to avoid the risk of getting in a rut I would make the rut where I could plainly see it and avoid falling into it. I also thought some sharp bends would held just in case so if I do fall in I can run at speed and fly out of the rut in the sharp corner and hit the bookcase again.  I built the rut on the front lawn which is (was) nice and flat where I can easily see it to avoid falling in. It has obviously impressed the entire family who when they saw my efforts left them totally speechless, muttering stuff about IDIOTS and spades. I have explained it needs more work and a man with a mini-digger to really turn it into something really memorable a sort of Grand Canyon of Ruts. It is clear they totally agree as they sort of nodded and pointed at it a lot.

Fly (Wasp) tipping and the Urban Environment on the longest day (NOT) of the year

What a hot day it was today very hot and sticky, but not sticky as in glue as used to fix tongue and grove cladding to walls, luckily we are still doing combined lessons at school and so today it was Art and Social Studies. I say Art, we were in fact repainting the walls of the outside of the school as part of the cunning economy drive while we discussed the Urban Environment and the implications of fly tipping. To me and Freddie the first and obvious implication of fly tipping is it would annoy the flies loads, but the teacher said that me and Freddie were in fact IDIOTS and that flies like fly tipping.

Myself and Freddie were far from convinced and had plans to do practical fly tipping experiments but flies proved to be rather agile, luckily while painting the grand façade we stumbled across a wasps nest so conducted an experiment on wasp tipping. And as me and Freddie anticipated proving our point quiet strongly the wasps were very annoyed indeed. But having proved our point the teacher said yet again that me and Freddie were in fact IDIOTS, however the teacher then ran off pursued by a large number of angry wasps but no flies.

Today is also the longest day of the year, well that is not entirely correct it is the day with the longest period of daylight during the day, well only in the Northern hemisphere. As for which day of the year really is the longest day that is complicated, because is the world slowing down or speeding up. I think it is slowing down so the longest day of the year will always be last day of the year due to the deceleration of the planet. A point I was planning to make to the Social Studies teacher but she was rather pre occupied at the time trying to outrun a swarm of wasps who by now were blaming the teacher for their nest being eaten by the school goat who having spent most of his life being annoyed by flies was fairly oblivious of the wasps.

Oooo yes although today was very hot I also tried an experiment at home to create rainbows as it was a good way to keep cool and I thought if I made small rainbows I might be able to find a small pot of gold at one end of it. Something which appears to be yet another urban myth.

One other small thing that rather amused me this morning on the radio was that Russia think (a few Russians that is) that folk deliberately don’t vote for them in the Eurovision Song Contest and it is why (OK one of the reasons) President Putin looked upset during the recent G8 summit, Sorry but try being Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest, yes I know the songs are also rubbish BUT…..     

The mathematics of the crystalline structure in nature and The Woolly Torch Hat for only £12.38p . . .. Batteries not included.

It has been very cold today indeed even Mr Jones the Alien Hunter has had to resort to putting clothes on, despite his view that clothes confuse aliens as they assume it is fur and then they think all sorts of stuff can be unzipped which he says can be a little painful. To ensure that his jacket cannot be confused he has super glued the zip and has told us, that it will ensure it can not be removed by mistake. I don’t think he has thought that through very well myself. The reason I mention Mr Jones is because he has taken a picture of what he says is a digital synchronized laser probe that the aliens were using to detect intelligent life forms on planet Earth, but he is convinced that they think he is a bear because of his fur (it is in fact a nylon puffer jacket with a fur collar). The dog has pointed that very few bears are green or have a picture of Elvis on the back and the words Elvis was an Alien in sparkly rhinestones or wear a woolly hat with a torch knitted into each side of it.

I think there is a an interesting marketing opportunity there . . . . . The Woolly Torch Hat, stay warm and see where you are going in total darkness. Amaze your friends, you will leave them speechless. Communicate with aliens and look like an idiot; all for £12.38p . . . ..  Batteries not included.

What with all the cold after all the rain the mathematics teacher decided that we should discuss the mathematics of the crystalline structure in nature and in particular Polymorphism then as we drifted into a discussion on the crystallographic point group, I came to the conclusion that being cold is very complicated. But one thing I did discover was the reason why we never see Santa, and how he is able to get round to so many houses in one night, it is all to do with The 14 Bravais Lattices  . . . . . . . . . Ah no hang on I might be getting confused with reindeer.

While on that subject mum and dad did something today they have never done before, they bought a fake Christmas tree. They said that they thought it would be a bit more eco friendly rather than keep buying a tree with roots that they struggle to keep alive for two or three years before it dies. And they also refuse to buy a grown in Indonesian Christmas tree for a fiver on the grounds that it is just not right.  

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A headmaster dressed as Rita Hayworth with the wrong legs

I don’t mean to be a bore and mention the weather again today, but I am going to be a bore and mention the weather again. Yes it has been a lovely day the sun shining and the birds singing and the dog sunbathing and the goat majestically soaring though the sky towards the supermarket. The only reason I mention the W word is because the weatherman on the wireless for the last three days has told me it is going to be rotten and rain.

I think the problem is the weather man on the radio is in the south east and weather apparently will not permeate beyond the famed Watford Gap which is not like the Cumberland Gap which is much bigger, I believe it is at least 15 miles

So today what happened ???????????? I remember the school bus, sun, the goat, the headmaster dressed as Rita Hayworth and mathematics; he was not dressed as mathematics, just Rita Hayworth. I think trying to dress as the sum of both would be rather negative…..HAHAHAHAHAH hah hah hah ahahaha hahah.

Then after a bit of day dreaming I arrived home on the school bus, then me and the cultural Olympian went on a trip to see a man about an exhibition. Where we discussed stuff and I left and arrived home (with the Olympic sculpture), pointed at things and tried to explain to the dog that there was a good logical reason for the headmaster being dressed as Rita Hayworth. In fact I believe it was a national event for headmasters although not all of them dressed up, apparently some of them feel it undermines there authority.

My writing is getting worse by the way these keyboards are just rubbish, I refuse to resort to one finger stuff but I still have not got the hang of the so called touch typing thing. As for as I can see; I can’t see how you can type with a qwerty keyboard unless you do touch the keys. And I am still typing different words to those I think I am typing which is far from helpful. The dog says I might be possessed by the ghost of Rita Hayworth who is desperate to tell someone she is not entirely happy with the countries headmasters dressing up as her. Particularly as most headmasters (well the men anyway) have not got the right legs. I have pointed out that most headmasters have both their legs not just the left one but mum has said IDIOT.  

I am going to go now as tonight’s diary entry is brought to you courtesy of the famous Writers block of which I have had reason to discuss in the past, they are a bit like boomerangs I think.


       

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preparing for the Monty Christmas Window Competition, Uncle Frank and Harry Potter

I am busy, I think; only I don’t appear to be achieving that much. I am told this happens to most people and quite a lot, it is part of the dilemma of real life. Something other wizards who shout GRANDEY_POPENSPITT and such things while waving a stick about don’t have to deal with. That Bl******DY Potter you know the one, Harry Potter not Beatrix Potter or any other Potter but grand wizo Harry and his mates.

In Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Curiosity Shop, the artwork for the famous Christmas Preview is slowly arriving, and in the next week the Angel of the Norse will take its place centre stage, in the front window. It is being left to me to sort the whole window this year because as mum put it last year; the Judge of the Christmas Window Competition was an IDIOT. (I would just like to point out that any characters in this diary are entirely based on stuff and therefore any judges reading this can rest assured they are not IDIOTS. Don’t listen to mum she calls us all IDIOTS), In fact guess what.

We had some old friends in town this week who come to Monty several times a year and have done for years ever since we all lived in caves and went EEEeeerrrrrr. Uncle Frank still does sometimes but only when he feels is best to keep his head down and pretend he is an IDIOT like when he has to judge the Monty Christmas Window Competition and he spots Napoleon Belzeebub’s fiery red eyes staring at him from the ceiling of his bedroom (Uncle Franks ceiling not Napoleon Beelzebub’s) after he has given someone else first prize yet again.

Anyway I must go I have much to do

Ooooo Just as a by the way :- By the way Ian the Musical Hat Maker now has two bionic knees and will hopefully be back home soon; and Auntie Karen now hates roundabouts. She said she is forced into going round and round the stupid things because, they are the wrong shape….

last years window ,the window that lost, was last and the judge said was .........

The Complexity of the porthole or portholes and the new Dynamic Blog

I am taking a small break tonight to discuss my porthole or portholes as it should be, to the real world. As you all know this is a two way interactive interaction of brainwaves and other elements that create my life and in turn my diary. As mum says LIFE IS COMPLEX and that is certainly true.  Right OK back to these Portholes.

As many of you know my original porthole to the physical world was Facebook almost a year and a half ago or about that, then I stated the BLOG in Feb. I do like blogs but yesterday I changed it slightly to one of the new so called Dynamic Views (mosaic). Now I think it’s rather cool and my diary works rather well in this new dynamic view, but I do not know for sure what the rest of you can see.

I don’t know if you all know this but something can end up looking very different on different PC’s let alone all the different devices that are around to view cyberspace these days. So if possible I would appreciate your views on what you think of this new look blog. I don’t really wish to change it all back again, well not for a while until all this house moving is sorted (AAAAAAAAuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggHHHHHHH that is to do with the house move by the way).

For those of you who follow the blog and were proudly shown on the blog, I am really sorry I was not expecting this new dynamic view to hide you and it is also true of the blogs I follow I did have you listed and now that has gone too. But I thought I might create a new page with links to the blogs I like. In particular I would like to say Sorry Miss Lily I will get you linked back in to my blog ASAP ………. Partly because mum said IDIOT.....