The Magpie, The Wood Pigeon and the Huge Mutant Spider as predicted by Quantum Mechanics

OK you might also notice an Eyeball on the worktop 

Today has seen the arrival of a mancky and very battered Magpie in the garden, and a not quite so battered Wood Pigeon. Now I suspect they have not been fighting each other but if they have then the Magpie is rubbish at fighting, I mean wood Pigeons are not famed for fighting and Magpies are cunning birds that will cheat and use rocks.  I am not sure if either will survive and trying to help the Magpie in particular is almost impossible, Magpies don’t trust us humans for many reasons so getting close to one is a no no.  OK the don’t not go out their way to make themselves likeable but nature is a bastard.

However I have avoided stooping to the low depths that nature in the raw can plummet to by painting round a spider in the kitchen. Yes the little beast has laid its eggs not far from the hob and was going to defend them to the end even against a huge great human five millions times bigger than he/she was. I think it might be a she, a chap would abandon the kids in that situation and do a runner for sure, which as a chap would seem the logic thing to do.  So it only seemed fair for me to rise about the basic instincts of nature and paint round it and the eggs in order to give them all a fighting chance of making through the winter to a new life in the spring. I have a habit of saving wood lice and slugs and various other little critters at times so some might say I am a foolish idiot who is not prepared to face the basic facts of nature such as . . . . . Where does a bacon butty come from. . . . . .  NO NO fingers in ears and shout hum hum hum diddle ping hum a lot is my response to that one, bacon comes from the fridge in a packet and that is enough for me.

The painting has gone to plan and the kitchen is now 99.9% complete which I have worked out will mean next August will finally get it all done with the exception of a small area the size of a little spider and its eggs which by them I will have forgotten about entirely much as I did in the hallway. Something that was pointed out to me, as I carefully painting round the spider. I don’t think the spider in the hallway was the same spider although come to think of it I don’t know what happened to all the eggs once they hatched so maybe they are related. If I ever have to face a huge Mutant Spider in a Gladiatorial Roman Arena in the future I know I will be safe when I tell it of how I did not paint over his ancestors.  OK it’s a long shot but Quantum Mechanics says it could happen, so it just might.   

The Final enthralling Part (part four) of Boris and the Spider Man . . . all is revealed

Boris was up early the following morning, he needed to be in the office. Since the announcements of the official closure due to government cutbacks things had already started getting packed up, and fast.  He usually walked or used the bus most days but today he felt he was being watched, he got a flash of an elderly guy on the bus, then in a shop window, and then two old chaps on a park bench. He shrugged it off, after all he is a spy and spies are paranoid and they were all old men, but he doubled back and took a taxi anyway. Once a spy always a spy.

 As he entered the department it was a shock, it was half empty and even as he looked around he saw his own desk being loaded up into a van. . . . ITS LIKE THE LAST DAY OF THE CLOSING DOWN SALE AT WOOLWORTHS he said to one of the men sifting everything . . . . SORRY SIR, YES SIR BUT ITS ORDERS FROM THE TOP was the reply. Boris was angry he needed to find out what was going on. He made a few phone calls, but was told he was old school, field agents were not needed anymore it was all desk jobs now, monitoring social media and reading email, Boris was a dinosaur and was being pensioned off. It was a big pension and he should not rock the boat or else.

As evening fell Boris headed to the Zoot Suit Jazz Club alone, he was confused and very angry. He and Irene were a good team and he could not understand how she could be working for someone else. As he entered the half light of the old jazz club he heard a voice saying WELL THANK YOU ZELDA AND THE ZODIACS THAT WAS A GREAT SONG. . . . . WE WILL HAVE A SORT BREAK AND THEN IT WILL BE TONIGHT’S SPECIAL GUESTS THE ZAMBEZI ZITHER QUARTET FOLLOWED BY OUR VERY OWN BLACK WIDOW AND THE SPIDER JAZZ BAND 

As Boris looked round the club he saw the old men he had seen in the morning, alarm bells rang in his head and in the gloom he checked his revolver. As he did so a voice behind said YOU DON’T NEED THAT BORIS . . . He turned, it was Irene  . . . . . . WHATS GOING ON he said I THOUGHT WE WERE A TEAM. . . . . WE ARE . . . LET THE GENERAL EXPLAIN she said smiling.

SORRY BORIS . . . YOU CRACKED THINGS QUICKER THAN WE THOUGHT, CAUGHT US ON THE HOP. . . .WE ARE INTELLIGENCE DEEP INTELLIGENCE; IRENE SAYS YOU ARE ONE OF THE BEST. WE HEARD ABOUT THE IMPENDING CLOSURE OF YOUR DEPARTMENT MONTHS AGO AND SHE SUGGESTED WE RECRUIT YOU, WE NEED SOME YOUNGER BLOOD HERE WE ARE NOW ALL VERY OLD FIELD AGENTS.  Another elderly man joined them, HOW DID YOU WORK OUT THE LINK WITH THE ZOOT SUIT JAZZ CLUB AND THE SPIDER SO QUICKLY. . . . Boris looked puzzled I DIDN'T IT WAS THE OLD GUY; THE STRANGE ONE, HE TOLD ME TO LISTEN TO THE LIVE SHOW ON JAZZ FM LAST NIGHT THAT IRENE DID WITH HER BAND. Irene now looked puzzled THAT’S NOT UNTIL NEXT WEEK BORIS.  The General also confused asked Boris what he knew about the old man. . . I DON’T KNOW MUCH, HE HAD AN OLD MATCHBOX AND A SPIDER said Boris AND HE DID SAY HE PLAYED PIANO IN A BAR IN BERLIN BACK IN THE DAYS OF THE COLD WAR. The two old men looked like they had seen a ghost  . . . . One then said ZACKARY . . AGENT Z . .  BUT HE’S DEAD, HE WAS SHOT IN OCTOBER 1963. THEY SAY HE HAD A STORY SO BIG IT WOULD BRING DOWN THE GOVERNMENTS OF SEVERAL COUNTIES; BUT RUMOUR HAS IT HE WAS SOLD OUT BY HIS OWN SIDE; A COMMAND FROM THE VERY TOP.  As the two old men looked at one another Irene took Boris to a table and they sat and chatted until Irene joined her band singing long into the night, Boris finally able to relax.

Later in the early hours Irene and Boris drive back to Boris’s home in a black Mercedes passing an old man, he watches them as they drive past; bending down and carefully sliding a small spider into an old matchbox. As he does so the owner of the Italian coffee shop opposite shouts across the road . . . ANOTHER JOB DONE . . . . The old man nods and turns into the park and through the undergrowth to his forest shack deep in the Patagonian rain forests.

THE END

Ooooooo some of you will have noticed that part one was W, part two X part three Y and part four Z from a previous A to Z challenge. . . . .well spotted 

The as yet unknown Insect People of Saturn . . . . . Keep Watching the SKIES (sorry EYES)

The Ghost Writer has been in his grey office today pondering the strange world of IT, now before you all say hang on that got nothing to do with unknown things, that is not entirely true. You see he is going ga ga (as in loony, not the singer . . . .as I have said before) and so quite frankly has not got a clue what he is doing, so he spends most of his life in a state of unknown.  He is much happier like that, sometimes it is best not to know.

You are all no doubt all aware that in the last couple of days I have had close encounters with Vampire Moths and tonight I almost came  face to face with a large pale coloured spider. I say almost because it ran off and hid when I sneaked in to grab the camera. I have learnt I need to photograph everything or folk say things like O yes how big did you SAY; it stood four feet high and snarled at you……. Well if I wave a photo at them they go O MY GOD ITS HUGE KILL IT……. However the spider ran off so no picture only an artist’s impression . . . . . OK I may have got carried away a bit, but I have a theory.

Well all this insect activity made me think HANG ON maybe all these insects are just acting like pre-invasion scouts testing the lay of the land working out if us humans taste good before they (the Insect People of Saturn) attack us.  This now appears very likely to me because the small scouts (almost certainly nano robots) insects will be telling the main battle fleet in space that our main defences consist of nasty smelling aerosol sprays that are as good as useless, sticky strips of paper that catch the odd fly and scented candles which appear to choke the humans and for some reason even most humans can't understand clear plastic bags full of water hanging outside windows.  Yes it appears the insects may not only think we are weak and feeble but with rather tasty blood but also mad.

I have no plans to hang plastic bags full of water outside my windows. . . . No one is going to call me mad. Although it will make an interesting backdrop in the popular Steven Spielberg movie The Invaders from Saturn . . . . Based on a popular blog by Rob Z Tobor.

Z is for The Zoot Suit Jazz Club and the Zambezi Zither Quartet

Link to Part Three

(Part Four)  

Boris was up early the following morning he needed to be in the office. Since the announcements of the official closure due to government cutbacks things had already started getting packed up, and fast.  He usually walked or used the bus most days but today he felt he was being watched, he got a flash of an elderly guy on the bus, then in a shop window, and then two old chaps on a park bench. He shrugged it off, after all he is a spy and spies are paranoid and they were all old, but he doubled back and took a taxi anyway. Once a spy always a spy.

 As he entered the department it was a shock, it was half empty and even as he looked around he saw his own desk being loaded up into a van. . . . Its like the last day of the closing down sale at Woolworths he said to one of the men sifting everything . . . . Sorry sir, yes sir but its orders from the top was the reply. Boris was angry he needed to find out what was going on. He made a few phone calls, but was told he was old school, field agents were not needed anymore it was all desk jobs now, monitoring social media and reading email, Boris was a dinosaur and was being pensioned off. It was a big pension and he should not rock the boat or else.

As evening fell Boris headed to the Zoot Suit Jazz Club alone, he was confused and very angry. He and Irene were a good team and he could not understand how she could be working for someone else. As he entered the half light of the old jazz club he heard a voice saying Well thank you Zelda and the Zodiacs that was a great song. . . . . we will have a sort break and then it will be tonight’s special guests The Zambezi Zither Quartet followed by our very own BLACK WIDOW AND THE SPIDER JAZZ BAND  

As Boris looked round the club he saw the old men he had seen in the morning, alarm bells rang in his head and in the gloom he checked his revolver. As he did so a voice behind said You don’t need that Boris . . . He turned, it was Irene  . . . . . . whats going on he said I thought we were a team. . . . . We are . . . let the general explain she said smiling.

Sorry Boris . . . you cracked things quicker than we thought, caught us on the hop. . . .We are intelligence Deep INTELLIGENCE; Irene says you are one of the best. we heard about the impending closure of your department months ago and she suggested we recruit you, we need some younger blood here we are now all very old field agents.  Another elderly man joined them, how did you work out the Link with the Zoot Suit Jazz Club and the spider so quickly. . . . Boris looked puzzled I DIDN'T it was the old guy; the strange one, he told me to listen to the live show on Jazz FM last night THAT IRENE did with her band. Irene now looked puzzled that’s not until next week Boris.  The General also confused asked Boris what he knew about the old man. . . I don’t know much, he had an old MATCHBOX and a spider said Boris And he did say he played piano in a bar in Berlin back in the days of the cold war. The two old men looked like they had seen a ghost  . . . . One then said Zackary . . Agent Z . .  but he’s dead, he was shot in October 1963. They say he had a story so big it would bring down the governments of several counties; but rumour has it he was sold out by his own side; a command from the very top.  As the two old men looked at one another Irene took Boris to a table and they sat and chatted until Irene joined her band singing long into the night, Boris finally able to relax.

Later in the early hours as Irene and Boris drove back to Boris’s home in a black Mercedes they pass an old man, he watches them as they drive past; then he bends down and carefully slides a small spider into an old matchbox. As he does so the owner of the Italian coffee shop opposite shouts across the road . . . Another Job done . . . . The old man nods and turns into the park and through the undergrowth to his forest shack deep in the Patagonian rain forests.

Back at Boris’s flat Boris says to Irene Is it true that female spiders eat the male. But Irene just smiles and says. . . This is a child friendly blog Boris.

THE END

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Y is for Why

Link to Part Two

(Part Three)

It had been a terrible week for Boris, of all the things that could happen the one thing he had not planned on was government cutbacks, and the decision to close his whole department. Why he thought as he sat on a bench in the park; why do this, the department is key to national security. His years of loyalty just dismissed in an instant by an admin man behind a fancy desk.

But why now, why when he was so close to revealing the true identity of The Spider, could it be coincidence. 

As he sat watching the evening sun reading the official papers explaining the closure, an old man sat on the bench and looked up into the oak tree branches above, where a small spider was spinning a strange and complex web. 

Boris looked across and thought, Why do I know his face? I have seen this chap before at the café. . . . . Don’t I know you said Boris . . . . The old man turned and said NO, but you must be Boris. Boris was a bit taken back and just said yes. . . . .  The old man then went on to say You are searching for someone, I think you need to listen to Jazz FM tonight to the show transmitted live from the Zoot Suit Jazz Club, it will help you a lot. Boris was about to ask questions like WHY, but before he could, the old man said . . . . that Spiders web is amazing . . . . . Boris looked up trying to work out why a spider’s web should look like a Seagull holding a saxophone.  Then as Boris turned the old man was gone like a ghost in the mist.

Later back at his flat he turns on the radio and tunes into Jazz FM and hears the following

Tonight we have the new up and coming star of the Jazz scene Miss Ie Ree Ni  Van-Dagraph who’s father was the saxophone player with the well known Dutch jazz band  The Seagulls.

Well Miss Ie Ree Ni I believe your Mother was apparently a well known double agent working for the Chinese military and MI6, you must have had an interesting childhood.

 Yes I must admit I learnt many skills over the years that have come in handy from time to time. . . . . and please call me Irene it is much easier.

I also have been told you were nicknamed The Spider by you parents which is where the name for your band came from. . . . . The Black Widow and the Spider Jazz Band.

Yes that’s true, although I don’t think my boss would approve really . . . but he tends to be too busy to listen to Jazz.

Would you like to say hello just in case he is listening?

Hello Boris sorry to hear about the department, can I keep the car . . . . .

So what’s the first song then

I thought we could start with   . . . . . Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz  . . . It’s a sort of in joke.

With that Boris turns off the radio and phones the florist. . . I need to send a rose urgently . . .  tonight . . .  to the Zoot Suit Jazz Club.

No problem sir comes the reply is there a message

Yes . . .  I will see you tomorrow at the Zoot Suit Jazz Club. I will be alone.

Link to Part  Four 

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X is for X Marks the Spot . . . . . . .

Link to Part One

Part Two

It was fast approaching summer, but for two days the rain had fallen relentlessly, folk scurried about with their heads down doing what they had to do paying no attention to the old man as he slowly walked up the street and into Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café. 

A waitress says hello and he replies It’s a terrible day, she says yes but is puzzled that his clothes are bone dry Can I get you something she asks.  . . . Bacon and Eggs and toast thanks . . . . But she is confused did you say X  . . .  No Eggs he says as he slowly slides open an old matchbox in front of him on the table.  As the waitress turns round she is confronted by two men . . . We are here for the X the shorter one says in a strong Russian accent. The waitress laughs and says you want X as well, do you want them fried, the Russian now confused says We want them in a plain brown paper bag  . . . . . . . . .  So a takeaway then, a fried x sandwich maybe said the waitress.  . . . The Russian still confused says to takeaway yes, we will wait by the door. 

As they wait impatiently looking at their watches, they fail to notice the Black Mercedes pull up, driven by Irene Van-Dagraph the singer from the night club; Boris sat in the back busy talking on his mobile.

As they get out the car into the constant heavy rain Irene turns to Boris and asks Do we know What this X is yet, he shakes his head, but gestures at the café window where the Russians are collecting a plain brown paper bag.  The Russians turn and head out leaving without paying, the waitress shouting Hang on you have not paid for those x yet.  But the Russians only get a few paces before several men surround them. Boris smiling and saying I think this time we have you. hand over the bag.

The Russians have no choice and Boris slowly opens the plain brown paper bag hoping to see X . . .   the secret which has brought two superpowers to the brink of war.  They all peer into the bag in anticipation of its contents, but as they do so the waitress arrives and shouts I hope they plan to pay for those egg sandwiches, Boris looks up and says Did you say X but the waitress laughs and says NO I said eggs, I don’t know what is up with everyone today and that’s for sure.

Boris looks into the bag at the Fried Egg Sandwiches and says DAMN that Spider, he has done it again.

Meanwhile the old man has eaten his breakfast and has decided to take a walk along the docks. Where a young navel cadet is shocked to see the periscope of what appears to be a Russian Nuclear submarine moving slowly in the water, the ripples of the tide forming a definite X marking its position.  X MARKS THE SPOT says the old man amusingly as the young cadet rushes past in panic.

I think folk are going to ask Y tomorrow . . . . . .HAH AH HA HAH hah a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ha


And if you did not read yesterdays post then this is somewhat meaningless . . . . . NO its true you need to read yesterday first (AH DAMN you have just read all this) 

Link to Part Three

W is for a Web of Intrigue . . . . . or (Spius Thrillerum Suspensos)

(Part One)

Every child in the World has heard of the Tangerine Flea of New Guinea and it's amazing skills at fishing, but not so many are aware of the equally amazing Intrigue Spider of Patagonia (Spius Thrillerum Suspensos). Yes this little spider gets its name from its web, the so called Web of Intrigue. A web so complex that any critter foolish enough to succumb to the underlying plot will be sucked into it, only to find they are baffled and confused when they discover that the man in the raincoat is not the husband of the woman in the café. And that the old man watching the shop once played the piano in a bar in Berlin back in the days of the cold war. This of course is all just too much for a humble fly or beetle, and as they try and escape they find themselves just a side dish in the great scheme of things where Boris having agreed to a spy exchange walks slowly down a wet alley and climbs into a black Mercedes driven by Irene Van-Dagraph the singer in the night club.  Irene turning to Boris to say . . . . The Flies dead Boris, he had his brains sucked clean out. . . . Boris smiles and replies . . . That Spider is good, damn good, but one day someone is going to stamp on him hard. As the car vanishes into the mist a small spider can be seen spinning its web on a plain brown paper bag left discretely near the third window from the right on the old MI5 building, a small microphone protruding from the top.

Two young botanists from the local college stop and look intently at the bag and one says Gosh I’m sure that’s the amazing Intrigue Spider of Patagonia (Spius Thrillerum Suspensos). His friend looks startled and shouts . . . .  RUN . . . . . . But it is too late, they are bundled into the back of a white van which drives off into the night at speed.  The only witness an old man who tells the police that he once played the piano in a bar in Berlin back in the days of the cold war. . . . .

As the old man walks home he bends down and carefully puts a small spider into an old matchbox, and as he does so the owner of the Italian coffee shop opposite shouts across the road . . . You still have it then . . . . The old man nods and turns into the park and through the undergrowth to his forest shack deep in the Patagonian rain forests. 

Link to Part Two     

The Chemistry Class Halloween Experiment and the Storm Warning for Britain

Today in School the Chemistry teacher said we might do a jolly Halloween experiment seeing how it is not far off now. Anyway it did not go entirely to plan, although it was not entirely my fault the instructions were a bit confusing.

Put the blue powder in the green bottle into the green liquid in the yellow bowl before you add the yellow liquid in the blue bottle to the yellow bowl which now has a green liquid in it. Then add the yellow powder from the red bottle to the red bowl with the yellow liquid in it, this liquid will now turn black. Then mix the two bowls together by either putting the black liquid in the red bowl into the yellow bowl with the liquid that has now turned blue or the other way round. So you then end up with a red bowl with a brown liquid or a yellow bowl with a brown liquid; you then add the red crystals from the blue bottle and stand well clear because there will be a lot of red and blue smoke.

But the thing was myself, Esmeralda and Freddie were watching a spider and giggling and trying to work out if it was one of those man eating spiders that closed that school on the news the other day so we sort of got our colours a bit mixed up.

I will not go into details but I have drawn a picture with my new hairy claws and have been told I will be back to normal by Sunday . . . . . . DAMN I was hoping the effects would last to Halloween, anyway mum says she has no plans to fry worms and earwigs all weekend to keep me fed, has told me off for swimming in the pond chasing newts.

Oooooo yes while on the subject of news, I notice that the weather forecast for Sunday is well wild around here and a fair chunk of Britain, so time to batten down the hatches, I assume that means you need to tie your chickens to the ground, they hatch eggs and both chickens and eggs will blow away in what is said to be a possibly really scary storm…. TAKE TO THE HILLS  . . . No hang on hill may be a bad place to be, unless it floods as well. . . . Run in circles and flap a lot; circles, maybe that is what the aliens were warning us about yesterday.

Time to go and eat more worms YUM. 

Spiders and Hotels

I am back with some time to write (I think) as you know we have been off at the funeral of Miss A, and Mr F has come across to spend the weekend. While we were away we spent two nights at a Premier Inn which had two slight problems. One the bar and restaurant were full of noisy morons all evening and the car park seemed to turn into somewhere for boy races to pretend to be IDIOTS which they did very well, and the food was as far as we were concerned rubbish, no I mean really rubbish; I have never had fish and chips before that tastes of nothing. The up side to this was that on the second night we found a WELL COOL Indian restaurant in an old church that did great food and was also cool (as in not hot).  The Funeral all went to plan although we did get lost between the church and the crematorium but luckily found it after a slight detour and as we were travelling faster than the hearse we were able to tuck ourselves in behind it as if nothing had happened.  As we left the crematorium which as it happened was an interesting building the next funeral was entering and I have to say I have never seen that many folk at a funeral before and I reckon there was no way they were all going to get into the building because there were hundreds of cars queued out onto the main road and off round the corner.

When we got back home all was as it should be and no Zombies had invaded the house, it can be dead annoying after a long hot and tiring trip along the motorway to spend time fighting zombies and other monsters. Mind you I did find a strange spider in the fruit cage that had made a large silk den using leaves that was full of tiny spiders, I assume they were its young although despite me asking none of them would talk and point blank refused to respond to any questions what so ever. OK I am off again now as I have things to do . . . . . . . It is getting a right old game all these things to do all the time ……………….

The Aerodynamics of the Mad March Hare and how to teleport a spider

Well there I was having a busy day of Theoretical Mathematics, The history of the Byzantium Empire in History. The Economics of a double dip recession and Quantitive Easing in Economics.  The Aerodynamics of the Mad March Hare in Natural History. And how to teleport a spider from one large glass jar to another five feet away in Physics by modifying two old microwaves, rather than using Esmeralda’s steam catapult made for the school goat. I think Esmeralda had not thought about the fact that the spider was slightly less than half the weight of the school goat and so the headmaster was rather annoyed by the large hole in the ceiling. The Spider was rather annoyed at finding himself in the freezer section of the out of town supermarket too and as he is a rather large spider as I said about half the weight of the school goat who is, to put it bluntly a bit fat from living on school dinners and sacrificial pupils (Ooooo sorry I was not meant to mention that was still going on……..DAMN sorry Headmaster). Anyway yes the spider was rather annoyed and it was a bit of a shock for the supermarket staff who thought at first it was the goat, but realized when an innocent bag packer was spun into a ball of silk and taken off to a quiet corner to be eaten later. The only good thing is they will appreciate the arrival of the goat a bit more next time, once they have worked out how to get a large spider out of the store.

What was I saying AH yes I was having a busy day, then arriving back home thinking Ooooooo goody I can chill and have a quiet time looking at Mars (OK I have not given up yet I am stubborn) and pondering nice gooey food with thick cream and hundreds and thousands on. When all of a sudden I am in a muddy hole digging mud helping sort out some drainage that needs sorting.  Surely that’s not fair I am not meant to be in muddy holes in winter when it is not only wet and muddy but also cold. Still as the dog says life is all Mud and Sun 

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The Spider and the Chandelier, a battle of wills.

Today started in a battle of wills, there was Will the Spider and Will the Fly, now if you think about this, it all seems a bit one sided, lets face it spiders eat flies and Will the Spider is not small. But flies can fly which gives then an advantage in manoeuvrability and spiders no matter how big they are have an Achilles heel or was it his ankle or big toe, no matter. Yes spiders can not get out of the bath, even a fifteen foot mutant spider as long as the bath is big enough. So this morning Will the Spider was well trapped and I had to save him by throwing him out of the house, he was not entirely pleased but the rule is do your job or out you go and he did not catch Will the Fly, who is still flying about and sniggering now. Not a good move after all look what happened to Brian yesterday (Now look don’t tell me you don’t know ……… really, I don’t write all this just for fun you know?)

Interestingly Esmeralda who we have discovered is in fact the strange robot like person in the silver suit who bleeps a lot and draws pictures of ancient mythical creatures or visa versa, (Yes you need to read all this everyday) can not get out of a bath either. This is because all her bionic parts are not water tight so she needs to remove most of herself to have a bath, so for the foreseeable future she is taking  showers, but takes an umbrella with her, she is also excused swimming for now.

As is normal in a normal day in Britain it rained on and off and Autumn is now nibbling  at those dodgy heels of Achilles, even dads weather machine is switched to Autumn.

Not much happened again in school, I think with it being the first full week back at school there is a certain amount of gloom and doom. All those long weeks before Santa turns up and goes HO HO HO, and I have recently discovered that there is no Santa, it is just the Head Boy dressed up as Santa so it will be me this year. Apparently it is important that the new pupils do not find out and it is an unwritten rule that this news is never written down in order not to spoil the myths of Christmas… …… ….. ..DAMN …. ….. ….. HO HO AH     

I have made a temporary chandelier above the dinning table because of technical problems with the previous light, I will say one word on this technical problem ………. IKEA….

And mum and dad have bought new phones for the house in order that we can hit the old ones with a large sledge hammer or feed them to the dog or both…..

OK I’m off again now to look in the bath for spiders.

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The jet wash, the International Space Station, electrical tape, Converse trainers and a big spider.

You would think that after all this time I would have learnt not to play Scissors Paper Stone, but the dog said I could only be excused from the game of Scissors Paper Stone if I won a game of Paper Scissors Stone. Unfortunately I did not win so had to play a game of Paper Scissors Stone because someone had to jet wash the drive to clear all the moss at the side of the house.

So after losing I was sent out with the jet wash; it is getting on a bit and held together with plastic electrical tape, well some of the key high pressure joints are. It is amazing stuff that plastic electrical tape we use it for all sorts of stuff from electrical repairs to plumbing to sealing windows on the International Space Station. Dad did that on an emergency call out, although I think he sort of glossed over just how he repaired the windows. His little cash in hand business Space Station Maintenance and Repairs LTD “No job too small” does not get much work, but his emergency call out fee makes it all worth while; particularly if it’s on the weekend.  I just hope they don’t try and open the window.

Anyway back to the point in hand, or should I say the jet wash in hand. It took ages to do it but it is the first time the side of the house has been moss free since we have been here, and with the conifer no longer shading the area it should remain free of moss and those alien critters as well, as this was the spot where the huge pile of conifer was located. It appears I have done a really great job and mum and dad have said that I did such a good job that I can do it again next time……………… AH.

Converse Trainers do not get old they just fade away

My good old Converse All Star trainers are not good in water these days and are showing signs of wear and tear, but as I think I have said previously this is the point they are at there most comfy……. Well they would be if they were not a bit on the damp side.

Well that’s about it for today, although luckily I have managed to mention aliens, the International Space Station and Zombies sucking the brains our of astronauts…….OK I have no mentioned  Zombies sucking the brains our of astronauts, although by a stroke of luck I have now; twice………….PHEW.

My diary is always more popular with aliens and zombies in it, rather than jet washers and electrical tape…….

Ooooooo saw a big spider tonight too, he is in the greenhouse, thought the pic turned out rather well if I say so myself..............  WELL COOL

A Very Cool bit of Music

Boris in a wardrobe and the Olympics. And the fragility of life

Me and the dog spent the day attempting to perpetrate a particularly impenetrable part of the garden using a steam powered mechanical machete and a flame thrower. It was all part of our recording nature project for the school who are interested in finding rare and fragile species of plants, insects and animals. We spent a fair bit of time battling through the undergrowth but sadly found no life of any sort. The dog thought he glimpsed something of interest, but by then he was a bit trigger happy on the flame thrower, we were both convinced we heard a little voice go YICKS but I think the dog char grilled it to well done. 

But it was a good morning and loads of fun so no harm done (sort of… ok a bit)

The big orange room is starting to take shape, when I say take shape I mean we have almost finished all the painting; it is still the same shape as it was when we started just more orange.     

I then had a very unsuccessful bonfire this afternoon, that is not like me I can usually burn stuff really well and it was a sunny dry day too so not sure why that happened. It is like being a dead certain medal winner at the Olympics and then coming last in the qualifying section… That happens to me all the time in the school sports but then that is to do with betting scams that I am best not to mention ………AH DAMN. 

Anyway I was planning to redeem the situation by adding some wood from an old wardrobe (very old, no not antique just rubbish) but Boris the Spider has set up home in it and was in a bit of a strop when I ripped the door off. I have told Boris that I will leave him be for tonight, but he can’t go round setting up home just any place me fancies, although he was being very grumpy. With luck now he has no front door he will go and find a more practical place to live. Still it may explain the lack of life in our hunt this morning, Boris the Spider has eaten it all.

Ooooooo yes sorry the Olympics, I think we got sailing medals today or was that yesterday I cant remember………. COME ON TIM. People keep saying legacy now rather than I SEE A LEG ……………. HAH HAHHAh hah ah hahh ah hah hahah hah hah hhahh hahha 

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