Alternative Mathematics, Demons, Banshees and Other Things

The square of the hypotenuse is equal to the square of the tangent of the circle that fits the volume of the triangles square and if this is dissected by the line taken from the acute angle to a point equal to the co-sign times Pi from the square root of the opposite side. Then with some certainty we can say the following simple formula is true

A = B*C(D-F)

Where A is the time it takes for the Maths teacher to throw you out of his course for wasting his time and B is the degree of confusion that you have created in the mind of the teacher and C represents the reaction of other students to your answer where D is the number of students and F is the number of students who have not actually noticed that you are talking complete gibberish as defined by Modern Mathematics.

Now on a sunny day I would be able to mention Mathematics in this slightly odd and friendly way without any issues, but if there is one truth here today it is that the sky is as grey as a sky can be and the wind is howling past at great speed. Yes I don’t think we are going to see a happy go lucky Harry Potter passing this way on his Broom, I think it will be Banshees and at least one of those Dementor things scurrying past heading towards some dark place of doom. Having along with all that grey wet cloud, arrived from some other place of doom and acting very doomsday as they all go by.   OK a few of them have waved, but we are all mates really but that is not something I need go about telling the world is it. . . . . . AH DAMN I may have just let slip. . . . . DAMN.

I may have also made the mistake of starting this post with the words Mathematics hypotenuse, square and tangent these are not good words to use to attract followers or readers. Where ironically enough, Banshees, Doom and Dementor are good words to use to attract followers and readers which must say much about human logic and thinking and probably explains why most folk are rubbish at Maths except a few weird geeky sorts who love it and have worked out that a Banshees molecular structure is based on a low density plasma that uses the principles of antimatter and radioactive carbon with unbalanced isotopes, well that and demonic possession.

Tonight’s picture is brought to you with the assistance of a small person who has had a bit of a tough time in life so far and now also has to speak to me (along with his sister) from time to time.  Where I tell them both of Mathematics, Banshees and assist them in drawing stuff. They visited earlier where I pointed out that the grey wet clouds flying past above us at speed were full of terrible demons and Mathematicians. Strangely they seemed to head off smiling and appeared happy so I must be losing my skills.

           

Ooooooo a quick arty Poem

Miro painted strange Shapes

Antony Gormley likes to make a Man

Monet painted ponds and Stuff
And Andy Warhol liked to draw a . . . . Can 

Aliens, clouds, spies, curry and vineyards

 You can always tell that you might be standing next to spies when one man in a raincoat and designer sunglasses reading the Times newspaper says . . . . . The gazelles are not happy pushing the supermarket trolleys in the mud. And then another man in a raincoat with designer sunglasses reading the Times newspaper says  . . . . .  The bicycle has climbed the tree in the wood again, I will light the fire. . . .  I did add . . . The Seagulls are less active when the Queen sings. But I was told seagulls are very old school and no modern spy fresh from the headphones of GCHQ would even know what a seagull was these days, now we have the internet and stuff.

Anyway other than encounters with spies and a small grumpy alien who refused to abducted Mr Jones on the grounds that he was naked yet again and  that they had already adducted him three times this year; and really knew as much as they needed to know about him, not a lot has happened today. Oooooo yes I might have seen a pirate or it may have been a duck, sometimes if things move fast the mind will change the things to a more suitable object to fit in with the situation, like for example seeing a tap dancing crow holding a ice cream on the Eiffel tower . . . in a cloud above the house while digging a hole with a pickaxe.

Mr F is with us for the weekend and we went off to a vineyard to drink hot chocolate and discuss cheese. It was a very nice vineyard just the other side of Churchstoke and they we right in the middle of their main harvest, I don’t drink wine which explains the hot chocolate.  I also continued to dig my new hole with the pickaxe although it started to rain from an interesting looking cloud which stopped that in its tracks as they say . . . Yes a hole does not make tracks, so not an ideal saying really.  And we have been for a curry in Monty with Mr F which was good.

And really that is about it I think.

Ooooooo some folk are doing a jigsaw as I am typing this by the way and I am also drinking tea.

The probability of rain at the wrong time, buttered toast and the calculation of the hypothetical average.

It is Wednesday today about half way through a school holiday in late May and we all know what that means, yes the weather has taken a turn for the worse. It is strange because statistically I have now worked out that school holidays are mainly wet regardless of the time of year. It is possible to work out the probability using hot buttered slices of toast dropped onto the floor as the hypothetical average of the chances of rain.

If you then use a large steam catapult to fire small school children into random passing clouds at a fixed regular interval, by taking note of the state of them as they return to the ground it is possible to see that in most cases they are cold wet and suffering from shock, a clear sign they have passed though a thunder storm. Hot buttered toast never suffers from shock and sixty three percent of it lands happily butter side up allowing me to eat two thirds of all the toast (OK a few slices have a bit of fluff on but that’s fine). In contrast to only five percent of children who on landing will eat a slice of hot buttered toast. Eighty one percent of them will go and lie down, face down with there head hiding under the pillow and say get him away from me Mummy, I don’t like the clouds a clear sign that for reasons unknown to man as yet I really should be allowed to have my holidays outside the normal holidays. And if you do have children ensure you leave them in school when you go on holiday, I think you will find you are much happier (with the improved weather).

I spent a little more time sorting the garage today it is rather full as it was the overflow for stuff when we moved here 18 months ago or so. The garage at the time was the overflow and folk would look at things and say Ooooooooo I don’t know where that is going? ? ? . . . . stick it in the garage, it is a common moving house problem, and seventy two percent of houses have boxes of prized items in garages, cellars and attics doomed to a life in a box as a result of a house move.  Did you know that even in the bank vaults of the world there are items worth millions that have been stashed away by people moving and they will never see them again. 

Oooooooo yes Harry the Cat is wagging his tale at God. 

Pizza, Marmite Fudge a Blue Sugar Mouse and newts

I have had a long day doing IT stuff with the Ghost Writer, normally that is his area of expertise but he needed someone to use as a human guinea pig to conduct IT experiments on and the only person anyone could think of, who it was felt was expendable was me. Apparently a life in the twilight of reality and cyberspace means I can poke about into a PC and prod RAM and stuff and go oooo no that bit of code does not fit between the bed and the wardrobe and it clashes with the red curtains. It appears this is not how normal IT conversations go between IT folk, but then we are not normal IT folk, well the Ghost Writer certainly is not for a start off he hates computers and says they are the devils work.  He often makes the point that people think by using computers in their office they will use less paper, but the reality is you use more because you can generate more things to print much faster but very often get it wrong at least once.

After a long day of doing IT not only was the Ghost Writer totally spaced out as he is every weak, but so was I. But on my return home and after some pizza and marmite fudge and a blue sugar mouse, I spent the evening doing African drumming with my drumming colleague who is making a pond at present and was wondering if we could sell him some black market crested  newts out of our pond in a sort of nudge nudge wink wink say no more sort of way. Well you know what newts are like, a right bunch of prima donnas.

So there you have it I am late tonight and it is all the ghost Writers fault (again), I bet Steven Spielberg does not have problems with Ghost Writers and computers, and fitting computer code into a  Victorian alcove with an old guilt mirror and flying ducks hanging on the floral wallpaper hand printed in china in 1924.

Sorry it is all a bit of a rush tonight and very late and my brain hurts...... PHEW

The goat, the caterpillar and the ferret

I think we have reached a crossroads in the weather (I hope so anyway) because although today is not great, it is damp and grey it is not icy cold so Yaaaaaaaay.  It also appears that a temporary solution to the deep dark cold muddy hole is also working OK so although more work is to be done there is no longer any stress involved and I am allowed to go to bed with supper at normal times, so Yaaaaaaaaaay (again). We are also all off to BigBills Greasy Fur Ball Café tonight for a meal . . . Yaaaaaaaaaay (some more); I might even make enquires as to whether the fish and chips is available as it is the best fish and chips in the world. The last fish and chips I had out was not the best fish and chips in the world, you see this is a problem if you eat out in a place that does the best fish and chips in the world it is then tricky if you go somewhere else, which is why we go to Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café and seldom go to other places.

The art teacher has decided that he will allow us (myself, Freddie and Esmeralda) to paint the ceiling of the art department, he said that it is because the school governors are too tight to get professionals in, and so to annoy them he decided that if we paint it they are bound to get someone in to sort it out super fast then.  I decided to continue my theme from observing clouds and so I painted a huge three headed caterpillar with tusks eating ginger cake in an igloo it was surrounded by hundreds of ferrets that Freddie painted; and Esmeralda in what can only be described as a stroke of genius, painted the school goat on the centre of the art department skylight in window glass paint, so the goat will now be heading towards the out of town supermarket forever in the word of art or until the skylight gets exploded again.

As it happens there is another rather cunning advantage in Esmeralda’s art as Ron the supermarket manager’s son will panic every time he has art and phone his dad to warn him of the imminent arrival of the goat making him leap into action with his new anti-goat gun and defence netting in a false alert. This should increase the chance of the goat getting through the new defence system after all Ron likes art and has art lessons 5 or 6 times a week, that is a lot of false alarms. Particularly when you are an out of town supermarket manager also trying to stop a roller skating dog stealing frozen legs of lamb as it weaves in and out of the gangs of little old ladies looking for bargains and shouting at innocent shoppers trying to keep their heads down and buy food.    

Yes sorry Miss Lily more ferrets. . . . . . . . HAHAHH AHH ah hah ha hahhah ha hah ahh haha haha hahahah  

.

The inside of a huge three headed caterpillar with tusks eating ginger cake in an igloo and a funeral

Another day and as it happens a sad day because today was the funeral of Mr R B. Mr R B was a well known man who lived in Montgomery for many many years and we have known him for a long time as did most people in the town. He was for a long time the headmaster at a local school and as it happens also kept goats for many years, now I must point out this is purely a coincidence and I had not considered this till recently. And I can state with confidence that none of Mr R B’s goats were ever catapulted over his school, only certain goats are capable of flying ( I use the word loosely) and his were not flying goats.

Anyway mum and dad had planned to go to the funeral but as it happens dad needed to get a thing to put in a pipe to fix a thing that needs fixing and what with time and logistics being what they are they ended in the wrong place at the time of the funeral. However I suspect that Montgomery may well have been grid locked anyway as Mr R B was well liked and had links to all sorts of people; he was also a temporary vicar although I am not sure what a temporary vicar is called.  I believe there was to be Welsh songs sung too and I am not good at Welsh and singing so I it was probably best I was not there.

There was much talk of rain today by the man on the BBC weather on the radio (I say on the radio, he was not standing on it, it a sort of figure of speech thing) but at the time of typing none has materialized. It was very foggy first thing this morning so I took the opportunity to investigate what the inside of a huge three headed caterpillar with tusks eating ginger cake in an igloo made of clouds looked like when seen from the inside and I have to admit it is a bit of an anticlimax I was hoping to see bits like organs and blood not just loads of fog and mist and a crow and several pigeons.

In other news dad has given me a device to  put in a pipe to fix a thing that needs fixing  and has told me I can come in, have soon supper and go to bed as soon as I have fixed the thing that needs fixing       . AH  . . . . . . . . . . DAMN I better go then DAMN.

Tally Ho 

A Jackdaw riding a bicycle and singing about fish while balancing a frog on its head

What a lovely day it has been today, we need more days like this, blues skies and not a cloud to be seen anywhere, which proved slightly difficult in the art class at school. Because we were all outside creating conceptual art by describing what interesting things we could see in the clouds. Luckily the art teacher was able to borrow the science departments cloud machine for the day, I think I must have been having an off day because all I saw were the usual things that most people see when they look at clouds. There was the huge three headed caterpillar with tusks eating ginger cake in an igloo but I think everyone has seen one of those; then there was a Jackdaw riding a bicycle and singing about fish while balancing a frog on its head, and a man being chased by a cardboard box with five legs. I put all this down to the fact they were fake clouds, as real clouds are far more interesting.

Still I did better than Freddie and his ferret, they saw 300 ferrets juggling with marsh mallows then two ferrets riding on a horse backwards and several ferrets playing hamlet in a greengrocers shop during a sale. At one point everyone said they saw a goat doing pirouettes and hanging onto a load of abseiling equipment, but that was because it was the goat (the school mascot) who Esmeralda had decided to send to the out of town supermarket via the steam powered catapult. They have put bars on the skylight now so the goat can’t get in that way, so Esmeralda has given it a crash course on abseiling in through the air conditioning system, as it turned out crash course was rather apt as it appears that air conditioning and goats go not mix well, luckily however the goat is fine and arrived back with a stash of frozen peas, some stainless steel ducting and some parts from what looks like a heat exchanger and a fan.

The art teacher asked Esmeralda what she saw in the clouds and she said a seagull with a set of car keys, she even pointed to it as the science teacher ran past throwing rocks at it and shouting give me back my keys you ************* I don’t think that is what the art teacher had in mind…….

Ooooo yes I have also found the pipe in the big muddy damp cold and smelly hole that things are meant to soak away through but don’t. So all I need to do now according to dad is unblock it  . . . . . . . .AH DAMN          

        

.

.