Hello I am almost back but not quite

 O Yes it is true I am almost back but not quite, you see I along with a friend who is a trusted builder have destroyed the bathroom in my house. I have to say it was planned we did not just say. . . . Hey lets trash the bathroom. . . . And then remove an entire wall, all the tiles off two other walls, the floor and part of the ceiling, leaving an empty shell.  It is the final-ish part of what has been a long term master plan to update the house and after the bathroom has been done there will be no major work left to do just decor to make everything look interesting. My wife and I do not believe in the white wall and minimal content we like colour and I like stuff and lots of it. Although having said that I like nice stuff, you know Indian gods made of ceramics, mummified  ancient chinese fabled flying dragons. and little things that no is quite sure what they do.

This work has meant  Shed of the Year 2099, my own little personal project has come to a halt again for a few days. It has been inspected by my friend and building advisor who has said it is looking good but making twiddly bits can be a bit of a pain. . . I entirely agree and I have to admit he did say not to do it, but it is in my DNA I just have to add towers and little stained glass windows and curves and other architectural texture so that the shed is not just a shed. 

A bit of detail from Shed of the year 2099

Here in Britain we have a TV show called Shed of the Year and the plan is to enter the finished shed, but I have well and truly missed this year's final entry date. The good point about that is by next year this shed will look awesome, although I will admit that may be a biased opinion.

Well thats it I will go now but you now know what I am up too and I will be back soon to blog on a more regular basis . . . But not quite yet.     

Eyeballs, Headaches, Halloween, Harry Potter, Andy Warhol and House Signs

Well all is quiet here and misty, very misty which tends to make it even quieter. We did not get any Halloween visitors last night but I think our long drive with no lights to guide small folk towards our front door until they are almost there is a factor.  No one likes to go to the strange folk in the last house in the village right at the edge of the woods where beasts howl and banshees scream even in the movies, so doing it for real in the real world is not really going to happen.  And I am not sure Halloween is like it used to be in the old days, it was always a bit impromptu with small gangs of small children scurrying about haphazard at one time. Then when we lived in the previous town there was a not so nice gang of older children who would scare little old ladies and demanded money.  It seems to have all got a bit more corporate and organized now or has vanished behind the hidden doors of those of whom we will not speak.  

I did finally get the new house sign attached to the post at the other end of the drive today which is good so next year at Halloween we will be the strange folk with the strange house sign who live at the edge of the haunted woods full of howling and screaming beasts. . . I’m sure that will encourage a few to risk all for a chocolate eyeball. On the bright side I do have a load of chocolate eyeballs to eat now although they are a bit sickly, but I guess eating real eyeballs in a bit sickly although not entirely in the same way.

After fitting the new House Sign I did feel rather ill as it happens and I have not eaten any eyeballs yet and was forced to take to my bed with a rather bad headache, luckily I have now recovered from this terrible ordeal but it is somewhat later and rather dark. Well that was a chunk of time of which I will never know anything about, I am not convinced losing bits of time is altogether a good idea bearing in mind the uncertainty of knowing how much we have in total to mess about in.

Well that is it I’m off now to chill and eat chocolate eyeballs or a raspberry sponge and cream, I did what I thought was a rather good picture of Harry Potter at Halloween in the style of Whats his Name. . . . Andy Warhol for the internet yesterday that I thought was OK but it vanished into the blackness faster than a small child on our drive at midnight. It is little things like this that eat away at the mind and make me ponder the futility of doing what I am doing here at times. . . . Never mind I will battle on.

Maybe its a bit  more Sargent Pepper meets Harry Potter at Halloween 

In the style Andy Warhol 

   

A Day in the Life of a Blogger and other events

Yes this is a snowman and a vampire drawn by a small child

The Vampire is the one with the ears

And they both look a bit evil to me

This is my drawing of Thomas the Tank Engine

I was told it is rubbish by a Small Child

I think the addition of the Owl and the Pussy Cat

Confused the Small Child

I have had a busy day that involved my attempt at making a gate for outside, I say attempt because it is a bit rustic, but looks OK and it will do the job required of it. Which is to stop the winter wind sneaking round the corner of the house at the back and laughing at me. It has done this for a couple of year now and I have threatened it with retribution at least once, but all it does is howl a bit and carry on. So that is that, it has had its last chance, mind you I did not get to put the new rustic gate on its hinges as we had visitors one of whom was a small enthusiastic and noisy child.  I am not that good with small children with their leaping about having a good time and it is much worse when the little critters like you, which makes it much harder to scare them.

To try and keep this small enthusiastic child quiet the pair of us did a bit of drawing. Now I don’t know how many of you have experience of drawing with small enthusiastic children but they are to put it bluntly not easy to keep focused on what they are drawing. We started with Thomas the Tank Engine, well he told me it was Thomas but it looked a bit like a demented mad axe murdering train to me. And I know it has been a while since I have seen Thomas (I prefer Ivor the Engine it is a million times better) but one thing I know is it does not have 14 pairs of wheels. I tried to help by drawing the Fat Controller. . . .I suspect he is not called that now. . .  but my controller was actually rather thin and looked like a priest out of some old western with a parrot on his shoulder. The small person then drew the fat controller but it looked a bit like Edward Scissorhands to me but very very thin and sort of tree shaped. . . .  Small people are (not to beat about the bush as the saying goes) total rubbish at drawing and trying to explain the principles of perspective is like trying to teach an Earthworm to climb a ladder.

The Small child soon got bored and decided it was time to leave and head off for his Sunday roast while I now slightly the worse for wear headed out into the cold wind that was still laughing at me even though it could see what I was planning to do. I then managed to hit my thumb with a hammer which was a bit sore, so I shouted at the wind a lot and waved my hammer at it in defiance. Starting a small stampede among a passing group of elderly walkers I had not spotted until then who thought I was mad. And a man on a bicycle fell into the hedge thinking I was the God Thor arriving to attack him, apparently he said he has been expecting it to happen for some time. I tried to tell him I was not Thor but it is tricky when you are holding a large hammer in the air and shouting so in the end I agreed and said he was now free to cycle in peace. . . .sort of. 

Some days never quite go to plan  

A Day in the Life of a Blogger

I have been at the village hall Market today, it is a traditional Friday event so I do try to get to it each week to chat to the locals and catch up on what’s happening. When I say catch up on what’s happening I am not talking at a national or global level, I am referring to the state of folks tomatoes, lawns and whether anyone has seen a Zombie or heard the Banshee in the woods. To tell the truth as a sort of nice slightly reclusive middle class chap who has a fairly chilled life and owns his house and gets by OK; but with a fairly leftish view of politics it might be best not to get into national news and what’s happening as I feel I might be tied up and burnt as a heroic or witch. I mean I would not shoot the last wild Polar Bear in Britain just because it has destroyed your entire broad bean crop and scared (or is it scarred or maybe both) the cat. Which is the sort of thing that happens a bit round these parts and is why sadly I have to announce the news that the last wild Polar Bear in Britain had a bit of an accident the other day while stalking a rather healthy heard of Blight free Potatoes in the early morning sun.  No honestly there are folk around here well into their nineties who can handle a twelve bore rifle like John Wayne on acid. Luckily they don’t read my blog or I would be in trouble for sure. Just in case any of you do read this I would like to add it’s a lovely Polar Bear rug and will make a great centre piece for the harvest supper.

After my weekly pilgrimage to the village market and my now tradition Bacon and Sausage sandwich, Ah yes they sneak a sausage into it now for extra taste, I returned home to continue my DIY on the almost completed kitchen. OK I stopped for lunch and had a few cups of tea and a bit of chocolate cake at one point and, OOOOoooooo yes we did have a short visit by a rather good artist who was passing by from Dartmoor. OK it is not easy to pass by Shropshire from Dartmoor without some effort but she was off to the dentist. Maybe to some travelling 400 miles one way to see the dentist might seem  excessive, but not in Britain, not these days. Anyway she is a very good artist and quite well known in certain circles so I will not mention her name. 

Then after the DIY I have sat down to write a little something for the Blog (this), not as easy as it might appear because folk do not appear to like Poetry . . . OK they don’t like my poetry, and politics is not good either. I know folk sort of like witches and banshees but I write about them loads, and I cant tell you about the Polar Bear because of its unfortunate accident.  We do have Pine Martens near by and also the very rare dormouse a few miles away and luckily they don’t eat folks vegetables so they should be OK, although I am told Dormice are very very tasty in a sandwich with some bacon. HANG ON they told me it was a sausage DAMN, I’m sure there is (was) more than one of them.

A Very Strange Blog Guest Interview

Hello Rob

O NO what do you want

I have come to help with this blog post

What blog post I’m not writing a blog post

I think you will find that you are now

DAMN

Look we can do one of those guest interviews that folk like to do

OK but keep it sensible

What, really don’t you trust me I mean I will just ask a few simple questions so the readers get to know all about you . . . . . sort of, a bit.

OK

Well Rob All this writing you do here what is all that about, I mean you do realise its all futile and that no one is remotely interested in any of it don’t you.

Hang On that’s a bit of an aggressive start for an interview

Well I thought I would do a political one, folk like politics

Are you sure. I thought they preferred cute cats on YouTube.

Now dont change the subject Mr Tobor you need to answer the question YES or NO.

WHAT?

No not what that tells us nothing we need to know exactly where you stand.

I stand on the floor although at present I am sitting at a desk typing.

I think we can all see that. . . You once  operated a machine called a UFO didn't you. You were called a UFO Pilot.

Yes

Exactly an Unidentified Flying Object. . . You are in fact an Alien aren’t you

No I’m not and UFO stands for Underwater Flying Observer it was one of those ROV’s (remotely operated vehicles) it was a submarine and I didn’t go in it I just operated it from the surface.

And you were a tea blender at one time

Yes but it was a terrible job, No one wants to be a tea blender in Dante’s Inferno, so I ran away and hid.

And you stopped a runaway truck once didn’t you.

Yes

I was an ace skateboarder when no one else was interested and I was sort of passed by a truck with no driver so I leapt into it all heroically and stopped it

And what happened

I got lots of angry looks from passing pedestrians who thought I was the driver so I ran away and hid

You have been run over by cars once or twice too, surely after the first time you would take more care.

Yes but sometimes it is not easy to leap out of the way particularly when various bits are slightly faulty and you go round in small circles when moving too quickly. A result of folk attacking you with a car.

The punters are bored now so time to go.

OK yes thanks for your help. . . . . I think

And you are looking a bit off colour Rob.                

The Quest for Glory in a Very Quiet Library

The world of blogging at least for me and gone remarkably quiet, as quiet as the quietest thing in the quietest room of a very quiet library with a lot of signs in it saying Please Be Quiet. It is to put it bluntly very quiet indeed. So what has brought about this lack of activity in the areas of cyberspace that constitute my blog what has changed recently that might have caused this disturbing event. An event that has made me question the very essence of what is all this blogging all about.

Well the Conservatives recently won an overall majority in the General Election and they do know that I am a bit of a lefty. Well when I say they know the local MP thinks I voted conservative; well its not my fault that one of his workers jumped to the conclusion I was going to vote Tory, I never said who I was voting for. But maybe they found out and are now reaping revenge for misleading them which is rather unfair as I did not, I just did not correct the error of the person I spoke too.

FIFA has also recently hit the headlines with stories of bribes and unethical practice leading to some folk becoming rather wealthy on the back of who gets to host the World Cup.  Well they are aware that it was I that exposed the use of Androids in the last World Cup and the whole affair was staged so that the Knights Templar could squirrel away the cup, or as they like to call it the Holy Grail.

Well revealing news like that can make you enemies and FIFA may be blaming me for shining the spotlight on them which has brought about their downfall. And there are folk that owe them big time so they are out to get me.

Add to all this the fact that bloggers are falling by the wayside like flies. . . . . I have never seen a fly fall by the wayside but they do tend to die on the window sills of our windows from time to time. I do try and save the little critters but they don’t understand windows (no not Microsoft Windows but glass windows) . . . . . . (actually they are rubbish at Microsoft windows too).

What I will say about all this blogging into the oblivion of cyberspace and the empty and very quiet library of fate is that I am a hardy beast and will continue my quest towards blogging glory with my head held high and my pointy stick pointy at the road ahead. Onward and upward taking everything in my stride. . . . . . Well until tomorrow when I may reconsider and write more gibberish due to stress.  

The END and New Beginnings . . .

As I battle away in cyberspace in a rather disjointed and odd fashion this year I have come to notice the fickleness and frail nature of what we are all doing (OK what I am doing). In fact I guess this is much like the real world of reality where we bang into things and hit our fingers with hammers and it hurts, I really need to use a hammer less or keep my eyes open while I hit stuff.  As the many of you who have viewed my blog lately will know, I have written several rather quirky Harry Potter based stories and a couple of poems, but they have not been received well. I can tell this from the page views I have been getting lately and from a high of a tiny bit under 10,000 page views in one month back earlier in the year it has now dropped below a figure I was getting back at the beginning of 2012. This decline in pageviews matching the exact point where I first started writing alternative Harry Potter stories. OK we have had our disagreements over the years and I know he is not out to get me personally and stuff, but my own stubbornness to say OK everyone so you didn't like that, so here is another one then YA SUCKS BOO to you has not helped matters.

So I can hear you are all thinking, what is the point you are trying to make in your usual long winded way that means we all get confused and don't understand a thing. Well the point is why do we actually do this, why do folk blog. What exactly is it that makes us tick and decide that we need to write our various blogs. Well for some it is self promotion maybe writing books and hoping that the very nice Steven Spielberg or someone of a similar nature will pluck them from obscurity.  Lets face it trying to climb over his electric fence drug the guard dogs and avoid the men in uniform is harder than I thought (sorry I mean a foolish idea). Some folk use their blogs to sell stuff, some to meet new friends in cyberspace and others as a way to leave a small marker in the grand master plan of life, the universe and everything. In fact this is how this blog first started when a very clever young Russian woman died having spent the last couple of years of her life meeting folk through cyberspace and Facebook. It made me realize that it is good to write and good to have a blog even if everyone else thinks your blog is entire rubbish, the point being these are my words and my drawings and my blog is unique to me. So now as folk come and go I grab my trusty pointy stick look at the impassable mountain range ahead and head off into the great unknown.  Knowing that out there in that great unknown is stuff I don’t know about, a future of as yet unseen bloggers and other such people.

So I hear you say, what has brought about this reflective pondering about what all this blogging is all about in the first place. Well and it’s a shock but the Great Bumferry Hobart creator of the blog Thoughtless Gibberish is hanging up that QWERTY keyboard of his and cyberspace will lose his quiet British wit and charm that we have all come to love. . . . It’s a great loss and a blow as he represents almost twenty five percent of my followers.

Farewell Mr H and a Merry Christmas I hope your retirement plans are like that Frank Sinatra bloke and you have a few comebacks before you finally go.

You will be missed. 

You know who and the dilemma of popularity

As many of you will know (I say many I mean almost no one), I have been making up Harry Potter Halloween Poetry as a bit of a jolly before I post my Harry Potter Halloween Spooky story at the end of the month.  We are old mates from way back from the days when Harry was knee high to a grasshopper, he has never let me play with his wand since (if anyone sniggers or thinks rude thoughts then I suggest you go and stand in the corner). But of course he was allowed to head off into Hogwarts to become a wizard and become the hero to a whole generation through books films and various other media and the like. Where as I vanished into a small dark corner in the huge voids of cyberspace living on cake and hot chocolate and waving pointy sticks at Zombies and Seagulls, you see I am not a wizard.

So I have written several poems now about my old mate on my blog and it has had a rather interesting and profound effect, one I was not expecting. Now people think I write all sorts of mad stuff in a random fashion, but all is not what is seems, you see I use guile and cunning in an attempt to help each post stand some chance of being found by folk searching Google. Lets face it if I am heading towards the one million words mark it would be nice if it was read by as many as possible, although the small hardy group here do keep me going, and when that nice Mr Spielberg makes the film they will all get a mention and sneaky parts in the film like what’s his name did. . .  Alfred Hitchcock. 

Anyway back to the point, since I started my Harry Potter based theme it appears that pageviews on my blog have plummeted like a large rook (sorry rock). Yes rooks do sometimes plummet but not as well as rocks.  SO why has this happened. Have I lost my touch, are my witty words now just boring, has my typing finally completely fallen apart, am I a grumpy bloke lost in the dark of cyberspace and nobody cares. . . . Well clearly NO. This means it must be a Potter based effect and he is much less popular that I anticipated in fact he is now less popular than my first theory about the rise of the World Social Economic Structures and their connection with the insect colonies of the world.

This means that Harry Potter must be very unpopular indeed. . . It’s a shock for me but when I phone him up later in his posh house dragging him away from his ice cool drink by his swimming pool he is going to be gutted. I can imagine he will be in contact with that Sue Townsend (sorry JK Rowling) sharpish suggesting a new book and film where he returns to Hogwarts in order to restore faith after the incident with the cat and the large jug (AH DAMN that’s a spoiler from my Halloween story). . . . . .

Anyway as I have said it is a terrible shock that poor all Harry Potter is so unpopular and I feel it would be bad of me to linger on this point . . . . the one about Harry Potter being less popular than World Economics so I will go and think about a poem on a far more popular subject such as maybe a cat and an owl in a pea green sailing vessel with a plentiful supply of money and honey. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

AH DAMN

We have reached the END again . . . . (Volume Four)

We have reached the end of Volume Four of the Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor and all I can say is it has not gone well.  Many of the main characters have vanished and it has sort of metamorphosed into me rambling even more than ever.

Ironically while on the subject of metamorphosed I was attacked only a few minutes ago by a Vampire Moth which was trying to suck the blood out of my hand. Luckily my hand was slightly protected by a sweet sticky coating, the result of eating gooey cake. This gave me time to take the moth outside and put him on a solar light to confuse him, allowing me time to get back in and lock the patio door before he turned up with all his mates. No one wants to be attacked by Vampire Moths.

Anyway as I have said already this is the END of, The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor (volume four) and so I thought I should go and hunt for the ant that brought about the end of volume one, two and three, again I did not find it so I am now sat on the patio pondering the grand finale . . . .  Ooooooo guess what a small ant has wandered across the patio and it appears to have found a small red button saying DO NOT PRESS. This sounds very very very familiar, ants are curious creatures so I think he is going to try and press the button  . . . . . . ..

OH No he is not going to get away with it this time I will stop him by putting my foot on the button so he can't press it. . . . . AH DAMN I think I may have been a bit enthusiastic doing that . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

A look back to events three years ago. . . .Things change

Today I have managed to draw a picture but have not had time to write a single word for the blog so to get round this terrible event I have decided to repost the events from my diary from the 16th August 2011. A time when it was not read much and I still lived with the Dream that the very nice Steven Spielberg might turn up. This was before the very nice Steven Spielberg dashed my hopes against the sharp rocks of disappointment and stabbed me with the pointy sticks of failure and obscurity.  . . . . . . It's OK I bounce back everytime much to the annoyance of the very nice Steven Spielberg.

It has been one of those non days yet again this is not good near the end of book one. But it’s what happens in real life, it has moments like that. Quite a lot of moments like that as it happens. One thing I have learnt from the Ghost Writer is that exciting lives are not exciting all the time and some perceived exciting lives are actually somewhat pedestrian. Particularly if you are in fact a pedestrian.

Mercedes has spent the day in the woods leading a protest group against Jims filming. The group which mainly consists of a rag-tag collection of slightly uninteresting mammals are demanding equal rights in the docu-film and say it is unfair that the vast majority of their appearances so far have been as dinner for something a bit bigger; or more interesting.  She has been a little disappointed so far by the lemmings who she said seem to follow anything and who stupidly followed a rock over the edge of the cliff face. Jim said if was great action movie material all the little lemming clutching their protest banners and screaming as they fell into the abyss. Which was entirely the opposite effect of what Mercedes wanted?

 Mum has explained to Mercedes that left wing politics is full of such dilemmas and the idealist principles of left wing philosophy always go wrong for some reason, history is full of such events from the early days of communist Russia and China to the commune society of the sixties etc, to Uncle Franks revolutionary march on the tea shop in 1974 which ended in broken tea pots and Uncle Frank’s picture on the front page of the national newspapers wearing only an old university tie. Uncle Frank still insists on showing it to the nurses at the home

Pirate Pete is collecting together all his belonging for his new epic adventure at sea and we have had a message that a Pirate ship has anchored in the bay by the Spy Glass Inn on the island in the lake in the park in town. if by any chance you are thinking where, what etc, it’s a long story and best if you return to page one of the book again and take notes. To tell the truth I should have done that as I really don’t know what’s going on anymore, which is what the Ghost Writer says when he returns from his grey office. 



Back to now

Sorry half of you are well confused now but three years is a long time stuff happens.

The Quirkiness of the Long Distance Blogger

As a long term slightly quirky blogging diarist, I have to give myself little goals to achieve. Not goals like in the world cup where you have to kick a small round thing into a sort of fruit cage affair.

One of the primary objectives of any blogger is does anyone actually look at your blog, are they friendly, will they send you large sums of money, will the very nice Steven Spielberg make your very very long diary into a block buster film or films, (it is very long).  If the answer to all these is no then you have to find odd little glimmers of hope from other things.

I therefore have achieved something this month that is very positive indeed, this month has seen the best month ever for Page Views with close to seven and a half thousand as we approach the end of June. Now I have no way of knowing if that is good or not and I am aware that certain things can distort those figures, so I do not use those dynamic view design options they add thousands of page views that don’t exist, I learnt that very early on. I also do not count my own views of my blog or that would just get confusing and I do not allow anonymous commenting that just attracts automated web crawlers and they are well annoying beasts.

I suspect folk are going to say . . .  is that all HEY I get that a day . . .  but I just don’t know what is good or bad in the world of blogging, it is full of smoke and mirrors and a lot of hype so I just keep to my own goals.  Strangely if there is one thing the football teams in the world cup hate it is own goals, but as a blogger it is what keeps me striving to bigger and better things, well that and the dream that the very nice Steven Spielberg will stop burning the manuscript to the film of the diary of the book of the blog

The world of blogging is a fickle world but there are some good folk out there, Mr ESB, Miss Laura, Mr Addman, Mr H, Miss Lily and Master Meglos, Miss Hannah,  Mr Flip, Mr B, P Von P, Mr G to name but a few. And so you may ask yourself why do we do this, what drives us in our guest for fame fortune and celebrity without moving from the comfort of our armchairs. The answer is simple we are all IDIOTS……….

One small bite for man, one giant leap for the goalkeeper

As many of you will know I have been revealing some of the lesser known facts about the World Cup in my ever popular Blog (I use the term ever popular loosely). Telling the world about the news that the world cup is full of Androids and now Vampires and various other creatures and beasts of a non-human based life structure. But I have come to believe my blog has upset the powers that be somewhere in the voids of cyberspace. I don’t think it will be Quinton and Charles of GCHQ as my blog apparently is the only light relief they get as they trawl through the myriad of websites and blogs involved in social media.

The reason for my suspicion is that if I Google for news of Androids and Vampires through the rather popular Google search engine (I am a great fan myself) playing in the Brazilian World cup my own blog comes in at about page 25 million. Now we all know this could only happen if someone somewhere wants my blog kept quite, suppressed and out the way.

I have even protested outside the local Google Office, a small wooden shed in a field just up the road.  Where a spokesperson said the following

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute     

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Does not compute

Suarez is a vampire

Ban the vampire     

 Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep  bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep

On the head. . . . Back of the net

Anyway I am suspicious now that there are more folk about in the greater world as a whole who are androids than I thought. And a useful tip to spot one (so I am told) is that they clutch small touch screen devices where they obtain their instructions from, using discrete thumb and finger movements to communicate with their great leader,

In late news (for me) it appears that Luis Suarez has been banned for four months.  He stated afterwards My solicitors Amstrad Amstrad and Amstrad were rubbish and seemed to favour the Androids. But as a Vampire I am planning to hang about for a while. . . 

The Scottish Referendum Debate and the reason why people should vote YES to Scottish independence

It is rather interesting that in the great debate on Scottish independence, to date no one as asked me my opinion on the Scottish referendum debate. Some of you will be thinking why should Rob Z Tobor get involved in the first place, what can some mad bloke living on the English Welsh border add to the debate that has not been discussed so far.

Well you see as my loyal, slightly quirky, but rather intelligent regular followers will know I often look at things in a slightly different way to the masses and so can help persuade a few people to consider how they finally vote when we get to crunch time on the 18^th September. There are all sorts of issues involved in this, and at present a certain amount of mud slinging and scare tactics being used by both sides. This is not the way forward, although I may add some to my argument in order to liven it up a bit, after all David Cameron and Alex Salmond are not the most inspiring folk to watch or listen too,  although maybe Mr Salmond has the edge slightly on banter.

So where do I stand and why, well I am a pro independence person because my family have come from the wilds of Scotland since before Bruce Lee, sorry Robert the Bruce was knee high to a spider. In fact the old ancestral blood goes back to a time when we were wild men in the hills fighting everyone including each other and shouting Are you looking at me sonny dishing out Glasgow kisses before Glasgow was Glasgow, and we all spoke in a strange dialect no one understood.  AH YES I see your point it may still be a bit like that on a Saturday night after a few wee chasers and deep fried haggis, chips and curry sauce. I always remember someone telling me that after a really good night out, he assumed it was good as he did not remember it, he woke up in the door way of R S McColl in Aberdeen in the morning with enough chip suppers to feed about twenty people, although by then they were cold and had sort of congealed into a single lump.  Still it made a hell of a breakfast, sort of the hair of the dog so to speak (I know more silly sayings).

OK back to the point you are keen to hear exactly why folk in Scotland should vote for independence, it is the financial or economic or commercial or political arguments that have made me think AH YES this is what Scotland should do . . . . . . . . Well NO who can really predict what would happen; the truth is no one with any certainty.

You see if Scotland says NO then the status quo will remain as it is now, nothing will change, we will still grumble about the weather, politicians being corrupt, the cost of a cup of tea and next doors Armadillo making holes in the lawn at night. To vote No is the easy safe choice the one to go for if you wish to see everything just carry on as it has for ages, the one that will let the powers that be just smile and be smug. However if Scotland says lets go for it Lets vote Yes, it will be a whole new adventure not just for Scotland but the entire UK, the UK even gets a new flag (WELL COOL). Imagine it . . . . all change for loads of things, flag makers will love it for one and then there will be all sorts of other stuff no one has thought of yet, it will be dead exciting all round, both in England and Scotland and it will be a monumental historical moment in British History something to remember and tell your neighbours cat about in years to come.

This is a one off opportunity something that will never happen again, a NO vote will seal Scotland’s fate forever as the hilly bit on the top of England where folk talk funny. A YES you see; I suspect in the future, if it sort of went wrong, would see the rest of UK saying . . . . . Why not come and join us again we will even let you keep your kilts and bagpipes and talk in a funny way about felling a bit peely-wally and even allow you to sing Flower of Scotland.

So vote YES or  . . . . . .  Ye aff yer heid . . . . ya Bampot Eeejits

I rest my case . . . . . . . .for now. 

The complete guide to themes in the April A to Z blogging Challenge (Sort of)

In my last and very comprehensive guide to the April A to Z Challenge I sort of mentioned themes, and said that of course the main theme was the Alphabet itself which I am sure is true. Well it is how I have always seen it really. But of course there is always much talk of themes within the overall progression through the alphabet and whether to use them or not and what is a good theme in the first place.

Well much of this will depend on the nature of your blog, mine is a bit mad so my theme for the A to Z is also a little mad, it is what the punters would expect (that’s readers not folk in boats in Cambridge). But everyone has a different blog and different reasons to blog, if you are an Author then it is maybe a chance to entice a few new readers with little glimpses of your treasured publications. And artists may use it to show their work with pride and joy hoping folk will go Gosh I must buy that right now . . .  But you could use anything you like for a theme, rocks, fish, people, rabbits, chickens, inventions, history, geography, fairy tales (I did that last year it was great fun),  seagulls, more chickens, cars, guitars,  sea monsters, motor bikes, places, mechanical wonders of Victorian Europe, Mountains and mountaineers, space, aliens and even more huge monster chickens with pointy teeth.  So in reality almost as many things as your mind will allow you to conjure up, the world as they say is your oyster. 

Of course there is one small pitfall in this grand idea that can really throw some folk a lot, you see they can become too entrenched by the detail of their theme and after a great start working out their letters, they suddenly get to X or Z and think O MY GOD why did I decide on the theme of Popes. The thing is don’t panic the A to Z is like a shop window full of sweeties to entice folk into your blog so make a Pope up; plus some interesting facts about how the Grand Duke Ferdinand gave Pope Zilliphilius the Forth the last Unicorn in 1538 as a gift. Only the Pope thought is was food and they all had a great feast and all was well until it was discovered that Unicorns are rather poisonous and everyone sort of died and the whole affair was sweep under the carpet, so to speak by the Vatican. The saying sweep it under the carpet is also very silly, have you ever tried to sweep a roast Unicorn under a carpet it is not easy, even harder than a cat, and that leaves a fair sized lump in the carpet. . . . . . .  Hang on I got side tracked.

Ok well that is about it on themes but make sure you choose one you like and know it will get you from A to Z without too much difficulty and remember don’t get too detailed, your theme is a promotion effort, leave the bigger picture until after April when you can discuss the detailed rise of Pope Zilliphilius the Forth in 1533 leading to him meeting the Grand Duke Ferdinand, and their treaty of the following year in Rome, so that the dukes son could invade Holland without upsetting the church.  Yes your eyes are stating to glaze over, so I think you get the point……… No one needs the small print on the A to Z; short sweet easy reading is best….

And one last tip if you get bored or disheartened by your Theme half way through, either just go random and post about anything you fancy or try another theme for the rest of the alphabet or make up dodgy facts about nonexistent Popes , it is entirely up to you, you are your own boss in this matter. 

The Traditional Rob Z Tobor End of the Year Post . . . .(well it is Now)

I know this is what I wrote last year but it is now going to be the new, New Years Eve traditional post until I forget that I have one, which may be next year or next week......

So here we are on the last day of 2014 and we all know what that means, it means folk standing out on street corners shouting and letting off fireworks hugging strangers as they pass and singing that old traditional Scottish song that no one knows the words too. But luckily most folk are a bit merry and will not be aware that instead of singing the correct words they are singing

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never mmmmm to mmmmm?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne.

We'll mmmm  o' mmmm mmmm,

For auld lang syne.

which sort of shows that folk don't really know the words

Then everyone will repeat this until they get bored and spot an urban fox chasing a pigeon, where upon the masses will abandon singing Auld Lang Syne staggering about in a mad linked hands sort of dance and chase the fox shouting

I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX MY DEAR,

IN A DUSTBIN AT IKEA

I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX I BET,

PUT BUTTER IN HIS EAR

BUTTER IN HIS EAR MY DEAR,

PUT BUTTER IN HIS EAR

We’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX AND THEN WE’LL GET

SOME BUTTER IN HIS EAR

O yes they all know the words then

So I have left a message with the foxes to avoid large crowds of people who look happy and not to spend the night raiding the Swedish meat balls in the bins of IKEA. And don’t go anywhere near people with tubs of butter

I would like to wish everyone a jolly happy new year and if you live in the UK I believe New Years Day is due to be stormy,  not sunny like this year (was it sunny I better check)

If you do need to sing and chase urban foxes then here are the words to Auld Lang Syne rather than a foxy based one which would be a bit of a give away…..

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne.

We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!

And surely I'll be mine!

And we'll tak a cup o'kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

We twa hae run about the braes,

And pou'd the gowans fine;

But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,

Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,

Frae morning sun till dine;

But seas between us braid hae roar'd

Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

And there's a hand, my trusty fere!

And gie's a hand o' thine!

And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught,

For auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

All the best for 2014.

.

1000 blog posts, Blogger and the Diary of Rob Z Tobor . . . . .PHEW

As many of you know partly because I told you all yesterday I write my diary in many places, like on the side of trains, in tunnels, carved into old oak trees, and cyberspace, and one of those cyberspace locations is a blog. There are millions of blogs in the world which is a lot and I am sure I heard or read that the average blog has something like 10 posts or the like. I may be entirely wrong about that, but it is not a high figure and you need to work away at them in order to keep them going. My blog was a little late in starting as my diary in fact started in cyberspace elsewhere, but I like blogs and as a long term way to keep my diary going it is perfect. It was started on the 15^th Feb 2011 and many things have happened since then although if you are a regular reader of my diary you will know by now things are not always as they appear and I can’t spell or type and in general forget loads of stuff and spend a lot of time defending myself against Zombies and almost communicating with Aliens.  It has also changed a bit over time which is probably all for the better, partly because the very nice Steven Spielberg is not getting any younger and my diary gets heavier by the day so his ability to pick it up and say WOW this would make a cool movie is becoming less likely. I may have to resort to using thinner paper to write it on……..

OK yes to get straight to the point today is a special day for my blog as this is post one thousand, yes the 1000^th blog post and one of the first goals I set myself back in the early days. I am rather pleased I have reached it because I said once I did, I would stop posting my diary on a daily basis as it hard work and a little difficult to always find the time to do it,  I am after all only Super Human with X ray eyes and the power to leap over speeding cats.

Since I started the blog the pageview counter tells me I have reached just over 72,000 views which is an average of 7 views per post of which at least six and three quarters are spam auto robots. So I wish to thank my reader and say next time you eat a Jammie Dodger or Custard Cream or poke at the iphone with a pointy stick, attempt to stop a small child taking over the world, or paws for thought or are even quietly writing away at your own blog why not pause for a moment and say that blog is rubbish he’s an IDIOT.

If you are new to blogging and all keen and thinking OOOOooooooo I will have loads of followers and all will be hunky dory, that can happen but you will have to work at it much like most things in life really which as we all know is a bit of a nuisance, no one likes work.

Mr M by the way is still fighting off the gods, I think if he had a decent liver he would live to be at least 110 or more, sadly though he really cant have long until he goes off to see his maker and have a jolly good complain about being given a faulty part and will demand another go, but with more sparkly bits.