A Hot Day in a Speeding Ice Cube

Today was all about heat because it was hot again, some say it was hotter than yesterday and they may be right. But one thing for sure is it was hot very very very hot. I bet as I moan about how hot it was and still is, even though it is well into the evening there are people in far off lands saying CALL THAT HOT,THAT’S NOT HOT,THIS IS HOT as they show off their tropical forest or desert, but there is one thing all these really hot places don’t have which makes the heat in Britain so much worse than anywhere else on Earth. They don’t have us British complaining about the weather, we are the best in the world at doing that and can make any day into an epic weather disaster with a HA HA HA and the wave of a hand.

So I have tried twice to cool down but on both occasions things did not go to plan so I am back just being hot because as I said just a few seconds ago it was very very very hot and I mean hot.

So Plan One was to freeze myself into a large block of ice but there are draw backs to this which I had not planned on, the first of which is it is rather difficult to move. I bet you are thinking he should have thought of that its obvious, but due to excessive heat my brain was not working and by the time I was frozen in the block of ice it was too late. And I had not anticipated the arrival of some rather annoying Arctic Terns, who I swear were laughing and sniggering while they sat on the ice. Finally it is not good to be at the top of a long slope trapped in a block of ice when it starts to slide down the full length of the High Street, Esmeralda said she never pushed it but I could not turn (tern, turn HAH HAHAH HHAh ah ah hahhah hahh hahahhah haha) round to see. The good thing is that if you are trapped in a large block of ice hitting a brick wall at high speed will get you out. But I was really hot then . . . . . . .PHEW.

Plan Two, have a nice long bath now what could possibly go wrong, well it appears when I emptied the bath it flooded the utility room so I had to clean it up and in the process got rather hot due to the heat of the day as it was very hot…….. Did I tell you it was very very very hot today, I mean it really hot……… 

The DAMN beast has gone for now PHEW

   

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Icicles, Old Fred and a Sherbet Bon Bon and Conceptual Art

It was only yesterday that I was saying that I would easily win this year’s icicle contest at the local fete in August and already today I have had a disaster, after a great start at breakfast where the icicles were award winning size and I was dreaming of the gold rosette and my prize money of 25 pence. You never enter a village fete contest in Britain to win your fortune, it all about the glory of beating Old Fred up the road who has won for the last twenty five years using his secret manure, a recipe handed down over millions of years.

So there I was proudly watching my prize winning icicles when they were struck by a change in the weather which caused an outbreak of thaw, it was terrible within a time frame of less that an hour they had all vanished. Even as I ate breakfast they were falling and smashing on the ground. My only thought was what would Old Fred do, so I phoned him, I thought he is not a nasty old malicious grumpy bloke who would stoop to low underhand tactics to ensure he always wins the icicle contest at the local fete. So I explained to Old Fred what had started to happen and there was a long silence then hysterical laughter and then we got cut off. I don’t know what happened, I tried ringing back straight away but there was no answer.

An hour or so later Old Fred called round to say he was just popping in to make sure my icicles were gone, and then said how terrible it was before he wondered off again. I was planning to ask how he managed to save his but by then he was laughing hysterically again and pointing at a clean empty gutter devoid of icicles.  I am not sure that Old Fred has entered into the spirit of village life in quite they way I was told the locals did. 

 

 In other news I have dismantled the art class wall today as part of a piece of performance art, the art teacher said he wanted to see something new and innovative, not just another picture to hang on the wall painted in cheap school water colours. But then he got called away because his dad who it turned out was called Old Fred had chocked on a Sherbet Bon Bon while telling Mrs Old Fred about an unfortunate incident in the village that he thought was highly amusing, but sucking a Sherbet Bon Bon while laughing and waving your hands about is not a good idea.

So while Young Fred the art teacher was off giving Old Fred the heinrich maneuver we were left to fend for ourselves. And we all thought if we dismantled the art class if would be a brilliant piece of conceptual art and Young Fred would not have to worry about hanging up all those dodgy pictures of the school goat ever again. As it happened Young Fred did not get back to school until after our class had finish art and was in the Maths class. But it appears he was unable to find his class and when he went to see the Headmaster the Headmaster shouted a lot. Young Fred did ask us if we had seen his class but Esmeralda told him that it had thawed . . . . . . . . .HA HAHHAH HAH Hah ah hhahhaahha ah hhah ha hah ahhah ah ahhah hahahhah 

              

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Snow storms and an alien subterranean complex

It’s the Weather again tonight I’m afraid; just what is going on out there; there we were crossing the playground minding our own business complaining that it was far to cold again to do anything constructive in lessons as we have all started to malfunction and are going quietly mad, when we were attacked by a snow storm that meant we found ourselves lost in the middle of the playground surrounded by a white haze of white.  Esmeralda was all for forging ahead into the unknown and said we would be OK because we could eat the smallest children first. Freddie disagreed but then he is not very tall, but then again he is well defended by a group of ferrets discretely hidden about his person. In the end I was asked to save us as I am head boy and it is expected; I did think this would be a bit of a problem but I noticed I was standing on a manhole cover and so suggested we could get back to civilisation using the subterranean complex which I deduced must have been created by aliens as I have never noticed a manhole cover before.

As we entered the complex of tunnels out of the wind and snow I noticed all sorts of cables some of which appeared to be fibre optic, so we all thought this has to be the work of aliens, and it was dark. Luckily Freddie had a penknife and Esmeralda still had the cleaver from the domestic science lesson in her school bag, so our progress through the maze of tunnels (ok tunnel) was quick and we emerged into the IT department who apparently were having all sorts of problems as the internet had just crashed. This meant our class (all thirty seven of us) were able to make good our escape from a small cupboard at the back of the room.

As head boy I remained at the rear of the group to ensure the aliens did not get us, but as I was leaving the IT department, George asked the IT teacher who was scratching his head, how he managed to fit 37 people in a tiny cupboard. Unfortunately as the teacher looked up calling George an IDIOT he saw me and asked what I was doing so I explained I had suspicions that the school was under attack by aliens who might eat children and that they had now destroyed all external communications after making a tunnel to enter the school, I knew I must be right because the phones did not work either.

I still am not entirely sure why class 17HZ stampeded out into the snow screaming. And I thought just because I am head boy it was a bit unfair to send me out to find them. But luckily I found then near the manhole cover in the middle of the playground so was able to lead them all to safety along the alien tunnel back to the IT department. The IT teacher looked well shocked as we emerged from the small cupboard, so I think he was impressed. . .

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Fighting Snow Zombies, Lemmings and ice bowls

So another day of snow, I was not expecting it to snow today but it did a bit, unfortunately it was still the wrong kind of snow for snowmen and the like so I was not able to do much in fact I appear somehow to achieved very little today, I am getting really good at that lately, I think writing a daily diary has one drawback and that is you spend your day writing your daily diary.  Because of this you then find you have nothing to write about so then not having anything to write about and end up waffling about all sorts of rubbish  . . . . . . .AH . . . . See what I mean.

I am a little worried about the Snow Zombie I really don’t know what he got up to last might but he looks a bit the worse for wear and seems to have been in a fight, I tried asking him but he cant remember; I also noticed he lost the Ghost Writer’s favourite woolly hat and asked him where it was but he says he cant remember. He did say that the last thing he remembers was drinking Russian Vodka out of a green bowl made of ice at a party in the woods that the Banshees were having, banshee’s love a bit of ice cold wind and snow.  And he said he vaguely remembers a drinking competition with the Lemmings of Petrograd and one of them saying Snow Zombies are all manby pamby cowards who run away as soon as the situation gets a bit hot. I did point out to the Snow Zombie that he will run away once it gets hot and he may have misunderstood the Lemmings, and besides we all know that you should never get into a fight with the Lemmings of Petrograd, they are a formidable force who have just the one weakness, they hate anyone called Cliff.

    

Well what else happened  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .AH DAMN . . . . .Nothing . . . Sorry about that I will start to bore you all soon and you will all run away and eat ice cream.

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