The stereo typical working man and a keen new assistant.

I have been delayed from writing my diary entry today by the Ghost Writer who has done rather o lot of complaining about his IT work. It is not as if he has to work that hard; after all he is very part time at the best of times.

You see he is typical of the stereo typical working man in the west these days, a few hours of beating up a PC with a stick and he is done in. As it happens he also has a very keen new assistant who kept leaping up and doing stuff. As the Ghost Writer says it is not good for morale when someone new turns up all keen and enthusiastic, who leaps up and does things; I must admit I quite agree with that but I tried to assure him that it probably will not last too long. Being enthusiastic is good but seldom sustainable, unless it is eating good fish and chips which are one of the few foods that you can eat all day without major problems unlike things like curry or jumbo sausages which are good but will start to make you flag after an hour of so of enthusiastic eating.

OK what am I talking about, I really need to say what I was up too. I have been attempting to bride everyone in school to vote for Captain Nessman of the high seas photo’s in his photography exhibition but because there are no names on the photo’s they are all confused and are voting for all the wrong things entirely including a huge three headed mutant Zombie holding a large ice cream cone and a straw. I wouldn’t mind but I still haven’t found that photo myself yet, although I did see Captain Nessman’s picture of the huge Mutant spider yesterday. 

And at school we were discussing ancient maps and how they can lead to all sorts of problems particularly if the say they can lead you to the centre of the Earth.

OK I better go I will try and write something a little more exciting tomorrow but in the end it is down to events so they are difficult to predict.

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The moon, the sun, the pirate and the spy.

The sun shone today it was a lovely sunny warm day, normally in July we would all say so what it is July in the Northern hemisphere so what’s the big deal, after all you whinged about the heat wave then whinged about the rain so what is the problem.  Well the thing is the weathermen on the wireless on the BBC are telling us that the gods plan to throw their entire wrath at the UK tomorrow bringing forth the rains of hell. As it happens Napoleon Beelzebub says it never rains in hell it is just too hot, but I think he just being a bit picky with words.

So as I write we have a blue sky and swallows going tricks like triple somersaults round the power lines nibbling the odd insect as they do. I’m thinking well is it or is not going to do as the weathermen say should I get everyone to dress up in sou'wester jackets, boots, hats, gloves and all the stuff we did last time which just lead to disaster.

Earlier today Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy called by to show us her new spy shoes with the secret hidden compartment in the heel, which is secret and I must not tell you about……… AH sorry. Mum says IDIOT. She was telling us of the secret mapping of the moon she has been doing on her trusty Russian Zorki 4K regulation spy camera, and how her undercover work has found out what has happened to the weather in the UK. It appears Captain Nessman of the High Seas has run off with summer and left us with all the rain.  I did tell Miss Fionaski that I knew that, but I was sworn to secrecy by Captain Nessman, comrade at arms upon the high seas HAR HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR.   

Anyway I must away now and look at the sun before it vanishes to be replaced by huge black clouds, thunder, lightning, wind and wild things. Just in case anyone is wondering by the way dad would like to point out he has unplugged the weather machine and it is covered in canvas sheets, apparently it does not work very well in the rain. So he says its not his fault…. 

Please note they do use the odd swear word 

The NEOLITHIC NEMESIS of the NIGHT and Auntie NELLY

Navigating Nomadically through the never-world of cyberspace I feel I need to mention My old friend of cyberspace and a Noble Pirate, Captain Nessman of the High Seas (I know name-dropping). Now me and Captain Nessman have known each other for nearly two years (no longer) and have nurtured a good friendship. Even when Captain Nessman  would suddenly nip off in to the NIGHT sky crossing the great Nabulus seas in his Neoclassical Nuclear Pirate ship The Nautilus, No that’s wrongs that’s Captain Nemo’s or was it Leonard Nimoy’s from Startrek? ………. Never mind.

But Now Captain Nessman of the High Seas has settled into a new life as a Notable Academic in many things

Auntie Nelly who is Ninety Nine said she spent last night in a night club with Nigel the nice man from NICARAGUA, She said the narcotics can make her Very nimble. Mum says Auntie Nelly is a nightmare and once ran Nude through the Norwegian Embassy, and smuggles the dogs Nitroglycerine though customs at the nearest airport hidden in her Zimmer frame.   

 

Apparently the Neolithic Neon Newtonosaur had been seen in the woods, needless to say me and the dog went to explore. The Neolithic Neon Newtonosaur was so named because Isaac Newton was the first person to see one through his telescope. Bearing in mind he had just invented it, (the telescope not the Neolithic Neon Newtonosaur) and had the only one (again I refer to the telescope), so not as impressive as it might appear.  Anyway it is worth remembering that the Neolithic Neon Newtonosaur a nasty niggly nomadic beast, The nemesis of the night, should not be confused with the Nano  Newtonosaur a small Norse furry Creature.

It was not long until we came face to face with the so called nemesis of the night, the Neolithic Neon Newtonosaur but it was strangely happy, and it told us it had just met a pretty girl who had given him a invite to the ISOBAR and he even gets two free drinks after she said he looked like an INTERGALACTIC INVADER from IO. We did say what ever you do don’t drink the Billberry bush MOONSHINE  and you should be fine.

I seem to have drifted away from N words a bit but as the dog says an N is Just a Z that has fallen over. But I can’t work out if it has fallen forwards or fallen backwards ………. Ah mum has said IDIOT.

I am told this is not the way to write a novel……………. OK why Not?

So…..NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA……….

HAH HAH hah ahah ahah ha haha haha hah ahah aa a 

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The very nice Steven Spielberg and the fickleness of fame, two front doors and the body parts under the M6 motorway

It appears we have five backdoor keys, three patio door keys two front door keys, one front door two key and a Wood Pigeon in the pear tree HA HA HA Hah hah ah hah hah hah ahahah hahah hahahh OK mum said IDIOT.  As it happens there are also keys to things we can’t find yet (WELL COOL), one must assume they will involve treasure and adventure, which is a fair and logical assumption.

The cats arrived back this morning and are exploring and eating (mainly eating really), and are confined to the house until Wednesday morning in order that they have time to work out that home is home. The dog says it’s all down to the fact that cats can not read or speak Latin, or even use a simple navigational aid such as the sat-nav. I have to admit even Captain Flint the Parrot can use the sat-nav, although as he says they don’t always take you to the right place.

It appears the Great Captain Nessman of the High Seas have set off on another adventure on the high seas. He does this, a blink of the eye and off he goes it is what pirates do. All we can do is hope all is well and he will return soon

Ian the musical Hat Maker is recovering well from his knee operation, but what I want to know is when they replace your old knackered knees with new bionic knees what do they do with the old knees. According to Pirate Pete the Pirate and some of his mates who also have, bits missing they are all used as hardcore under the M6 which is why they are always repairing motorways. Burying the new batch of body parts. The so called spaghetti Junction was nicknamed as such, because it is full of bits of intestine, which ironically, are usually full of spaghetti (it also explains the shape…… as in the junction not the intestine). 

Right back to events here; you will have noticed I mentioned front door two, yes when you open the front door and come in you are met with another front door it even has a door bell, so in order to ring the door bell at the front door you need to open the other front door. Now you are all thinking WHAT, but it is quirky and as we all know quirky is good, in fact quirky is very good and should be the basis of life. I even try to write a quirky diary (now book two of the so far unpublished trilogy) on my quirky keyboard; sorry I mean qwerty keyboard HA HA HA HA HA Hah hah hah ah hhahah hahah haha hah hah hah, mum said IDIOT again. I think I need to find a quirky publisher, and I still haven’t heard from that very nice Steven Spielberg yet, really this fame and fortune lark is well fickle.

Sorry it is not the M6 but well they all look the same really

The haul of Silver Treasure, MI6, The CIA and the secret service. Plus and the grumbling Parrot.

Typical as we head back to school on the school bus, the sun is shining and the sky is blue and it is nice and warm. Although having said that Miss Elaine has said via the miracles of the internet that she is going into hiding as a tornado is due (the windy stuff not the jet fighter ……I think?). The dog always compares such things as this to throwing toast on the floor (Sorry accidently dropping).

The dog and I even tested this by accidently dropping loads of toast on the floor and every single bit landed butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter side down. Mum then shouted at us even though I explained it was an experiment and I ended up with no toast and going to school hungry while the dog ate all the toast with butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter on the floor …… NOT FAIR. Luckily I did hide a few bits in my shirt for lunch time although I was rather sticky and was attacked by wasps at break time. So I had toast with butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter sandwiches with eye pie and pork scratching jelly for pudding, its well yummy especially the crunchy bits.

When I got home the dog, and the Ghost of Steven Spielberg were sun bathing, can a ghost sun bath? Anyway that is a distraction, Captain Flint the Parrot was complaining that someone had found all his silver hidden in his pirate ship at the bottom of the sea and he had given me the treasure map to look after, and now look what had happened. Funnily I have not seen the treasure map since Pirate Pete left on his adventure with Rusty the Six Legged Steam Powered Dog that dad made.

The Dog thinks that Pirate Pete sold the map to MI6 and the CIA so he could buy a flash ship like Captain Nessman of the High Seas has. And the Secret Service has invented a cover story to run off with Captain Flint the Parrot’s stash of Pirate gold and silver. Even mum thinks it is very likely so it must be true. The Parrot said he plans to take MI6 to court to get his booty back (that’s the silver not his shoes). But dad says if he tries he will end up with concrete booties and a trip to the lake so best to stay mum (that’s as in quiet not become a mum, he’s the wrong sex).

Well that’s it now; a squawking complaining parrot all night even with a pile of extra Brazil nuts.

The lunacy of the attack on the Twin Towers, the random unpredictability of subsequent events and Thirty Foot Steam Powered Ferrets

We have been listening to the wireless and in the last two days there has been much talk about the lunacy of the attack on the Twin Towers in New York by terrorists who believed that it was all in the name of God. It has been the tenth anniversary of the event so there has been a lot of discussion about it and the subsequent events.

 But like a Butterfly flapping its wings in the Amazon Jungle causing a hurricane in Asia, it is impossible to predict the chain of events that such an action will cause. So there is a pointlessness to such actions. But then the response of the US and British governments also brings an uncertain random outcome too and so it goes on into the future. History has always shows us that the outcome of events by those trying to steer history for their own ends always ends in failure and conflict. They can never see or predict how the individuals involved are affected or their families and friends or those who come into contact with those individuals so the ripples spread like in a pond.

Not all the ripples as they spread are bad after all one of my good friends would not be a friend had it not been for all the distressing events that happened to them as a result of this act of terrorism. Although they have endured a long and hard ten years of pain they continue to produce ripples as they tread new paths like the millions of others throughout the world as they too are affected by these events.

You will notice I have become more philosophical and politically minded at the start of book two. The dog says I’m at that awkward age for a man, which according to the dog is between the ages of five and eighty seven when we finally loss the plot and sit and spend the day watching classic reruns of We Love Lucy on TV, who? …………….. Never mind.

I have been told by Miss Tiggy that the wandering Thirty Foot Steam Powered Alien Monster has started to wonder about life the universe and stuff like that, the dog thinks it is probably a side effect of mating with a ferret. I can see how a Thirty Foot Steam Powered Alien Monster might wonder how it ended up mating with a ferret; dad thinks it must be a design fault which as it was already malfunctioning is very likely indeed.

He is now worried that if the Thirty Foot Steam Powered Alien Monster becomes pregnant it might have a litter of Thirty Foot Steam Powered Ferrets. This just goes to show that even in the strange world of cyberspace there is a random unpredictability to events proving much of what I have said. Mum just said IDIOT so maybe I am wrong …….. Slightly.

The End of the Book. A small Ant and a small red button and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It is the final day of the school holiday in Wales and the final day in my diary for year one. We have all had a long think about what we should do or say as this is an important moment in time, but in the end we are chilling out with a cup of tea. Helping others with DIY still and things like that. It is a rather perverse thing writing a diary because the more you do the less time you have to write about what you have done.

As my world is linked to yours through the mind of “Old Grumpy” known as the Ghost Writer it is even more complicated to write up the events of the day. And it is getting late again and I have stuff to do and the general things of life like putting stuff away cleaning teeth moving about clearing things away from the day folding clothes or as mum describes it throwing everything in a heap in the middle of the floor.

Anyway this is not want you want to hear is it that nice Mr Steven Spielberg is hardly likely to make the movie of the book, if as the credits slowly roll down or up the screen the last image is that of a pile of clothes being sniffed at by a huge dog muttering in Latin.

Still it could be worse it could be like one of the Lord of the Rings movies where they suddenly end with three odd looking people wondering over a hill saying PHEW THAT WAS CLOSE. Do you think there is anymore popcorn down in the foyer? Mum just said IDIOT and has told me to get on with it

You will notice that I have changed since I started (I don’t mean clothes although I have I think) it is time and getting older and getting more ambitious, and early on many of our international readers did say WHAT a lot. So I am more articulate and easier to understand now so maybe by the end of the next book I might even make sense, although that may not be a good move. I will be adding a thank you to all soon, and tomorrow I will be back in Cyberspace as normal, but readers of the book will now have to go out and buy volume two so that I can continue living a life of abject luxury and decadence OK start living a life of abject luxury and decadence, Mum said IDIOT again.

We are all now watching a small ant wonder across the patio and it appears to have found a small red button saying do not press. This sounds very familiar, ants are curious creatures so we all think he is going to press the button. The dog thinks it will all end it tears but I am not sure the ant has heard or understands the dog because it just pressed the small red button . . . . . . . . Mum just said IDIOT I think she means the ant this time … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... AH . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

The Story of the Vivian Girls, Tales Of Insanity and the chewy violent dictator

With a new art exhibition starting at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop, mum has been very busy sorting stuff out so me the dog and Mercedes have been having a wonder through bits of the shop we have never been in before. We found the Aquarium today so now I know where dad got his Coelacanths from. We also saw a huge Mekong Giant Catfish which the dog reckoned would make brilliant fish and chips.

From there we found our way into the library where we found a girl called Miss Jasmine she said she had been in the library for 12 years reading the book Tales Of Insanity. Apparently according to Mercedes you must never read Tales Of Insanity because it will drive you insane and you will sit and read it forever. It was written by a mad librarian who was driven mad by the long endless days of silence in the library with no customers so he wrote the book so that who ever read it would remain in the library for ever. It has long been banned from Libraries because although effective there is little to eat in a library and the public were eating all the books to survive and singing a well know Eagles song (the band not the bird)

of course if you are going to do this right 

it is important to choose the next up option at the end  

Mercedes has borrowed the only leather bound copy in the world of the book “The Story of the Vivian Girls” to read on the journey back to the Great Metropolis, as she said the jams on the M25 can be rather bad and it can take ages so she needs a good yarn to pass the time.

Napoleon Beelzebub had to tell the dog off for trying to run off with dinosaur bones again and in the end gave him the leg of someone who had rather a lot of loyalty points for the bottom floor of the cellar (the hot bit). Mum was not happy and told the dog he was not allowed to take the leg home as it was still attached to the rest of the person, who was complaining very loudly. Both Napoleon and the dog did explain it was their own fault and they were warned that greed and power as a dictator running a middle eastern country came at a cost. Although I suspect they hadn’t planned on becoming the dog’s chewy toy when the dog was bored or hungry YUK. I must remember never to become a violent corrupt dictator or leader. Mum said IDIOT but she was referring to the dictator as he was throwing sticks to try and distract the dog.

Tonights sort of Oooo by the way is the Ghost Writer got another pressie; a big pile of Spicy Cheese Scones from Miss Elly, well cool I have nicked one......

The famous quotations of ordinary people. Rain and Frogs

I keep missing words and making spelling mistakes at present well OK most of the time really but after a spell of not being quite so bad I seem to have got worse again. I am very sorry about that. Today has been very noisy at the house, a gang of men turned up and dug up a driveway opposite us and parked their tractor and trailer across the bottom of our driveway much to the irritation of mum and dad.

Anyway we have got round the problems and I took my voodoo lucky charm with the shrunken head and showed it to the men doing the work and told them if they didn’t stop working and went away that they would all be washed away by torrents of rain and large frogs. The men doing the work all laughed and carried on blocking us in, well up until the torrential rain started and large frogs started leaping at them, which forced them into a tactical retreat; (that’s the workmen not the frogs, frogs never make tactical retreats). Dad said they looked as organised as cross-eyed moorhens PLAYING A game dominos against Aligators. Anyway they are gone now, much like the moorhens.

Darren the Boiler Man also came today to service the boiler which he has done for years now ever since I was as Auntie Karen would say KNEE HIGH TO A KNEE. She also says the Grimble-Spin is a full width wider that the doorway, mark my words young Rob. And the spirit level is three rums south of thirty degrees, I think Captain Nessman may have told her that one.

Darren did his bit and left, he said he had a wheel to attach to a car for a man who was grass track racing it tomorrow, as the wheel fell of yesterday when someone was stress testing the car and applied just a bit too much stress. As he said the point of no return is the point when you need to return or the wood shed will be empty for winter. Darren always says that when the wheels fall off cars.

It’s been a long holiday.  Well it feels like it and me and Mercedes said to mum we are bored now but we both ran away very fast before mum could throw stuff at us. I could hear mum saying the Statue sings but the pigeons still sit on its head and ********. Captain Flint added pieces of eight, where are my Brazil nuts and the dog said  quidquid excusatio prandium pro.  Mum has just said the IDIOT runs in circles on the high wire. I tried that once but I fell off. 

Stephen Fry the very clever man whom is not a dog with fleas and does not glow in the dark

I live in the dark recesses of cyberspace in the back waters of the hills of rural Mid-Wales, the Ghost Writer lives in the hills of rural Mid-Wales even Nelson Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop is in a small square in a small unknown town in the hills of rural Mid-Wales. So why is life so busy all the time for us all. The Ghost writer says he is old and knackered and it’s NOT FAIR.

So what happened today to tell the truth I don’t remember I did go out but I came back and I remember I did meet a man who appears to know very little about things relating to IT. The Ghost Writer says this is quite common and very often those who do know about IT forget about those that don’t know about IT. The dog gets upset about people that don’t speak Latin which is almost everyone except Stephen Fry and the Pope.

For the international audience Stephen Fry is a very clever man who everyone likes, a bit like the dog only he is not a dog as he only has two legs and is probably not as hairy as a dog and does not have fleas (I hope). I think I will have a little break and return to my diary in a bit.

Have just had a Indian takeaway YUM. But I have noticed we always get a yogurt and cucumber dressing which we never order and on the lid appears to be written M/S only tonight me and the dog realized its not M/S but in fact is says MI5. That explains much because it’s a strange dressing and we always glow in the dark afterwards for ages, and it sets off dads Geiger counter so we recon they are using it to track our path when we use the Einstein Cube to go to the takeaway afterwards for a ice cream, bearing in mind the takeaway is in India. MI5 are still determined to get it (the Einstein Cube not an Indian takeaway) some how which is one of the reasons I don’t use it much and keep it hidden in a secret place under the hedge near the Pit of Doom with the annoying grumpy child in it who is still grumpy. Anyway MI5 are not very likely to think I am silly enough to hide the Einstein Cube under a hedge so it is safe there AH. Maybe I better move it now. Mum just said IDIOT, I also have a secret panel under the kitchen floor but apparently I cant use that either now.

Captain Nessman

I think somewhere out there in the big wide world is Captain Nessman sailing into adventure in his Quest for knowledge and the spirit of Enlightenment.  But we can feel his presence back in the hills of Wales because his thoughts still whisper in the wind. HAR HAR HAR HAR.

2022

RIP Captain Paul Nessman . . . . . . . . . . Those who knew you will remember you 

Captain Nessman and the restless spirit

Well even while writing my diary little anomalies occur and fate takes a hand. I was trying to make my blog look posh last night and sort out one or two things anyway it crashed and the result was my postcard from Captain Nessman of the high seas ended up as the latest post out of sequence. Then today it appears my friend Captain Nessman has suddenly set sail again.

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He does this from time to time; he has a restless spirit and will head off into the night from time to time without warning.  He is a very clever man now (officially) and was given a letter from his university to say he was the best Captain of a sea fairing vessel they had ever taught. So now he is off at sea with his trusty crew and cats on adventures new. We can only hope he will return soon to tell us tales of sea serpents and treasure. Pirate Pete and Captain Flint are a bit upset as they said they would have gone too but mum said Captain Flint the Parrot is far to old now (at least 500 years and Pirate Pete’s legs go rusty if he spends to much time at sea, and he no longer floats so it would not be safe.  Pirate Pete says he laughs in the face of safety and only last week he was standing on an electricity substation with a placard saying HELLO MUM as part of the electricity protest laughing in the face of the health and safety man.

 Pirate Pete is under the impression the local protesters are against electricity and want to bring back steam power, dad said he will join that movement too they both rather like steam, but its not good for my diary, a steam computer is huge. Dad built one once that could count to twenty two but it fell through the floor into the cellar when it got as far as fifteen.

 Sooty the cat is almost normal now and has stopped making so much noise, Heavy Harry the Cat has started to catch baby rabbits and eat them YUK, he does this at this time of year and gets told off but he sneaks round the back of the house and hides from us. The dog is contemplating writing his life story on the grounds that my diary is rubbish and a dog could do better. And Rusty the Robot Dog is pretending to be Fred Astaire and has dressed Fluffy the Cat (Mr Jenkins cat) as Ginger Rogers. Not sure Mr Jenkins will appreciate the fact his white cat has been dyed ginger.

A nice lazy Sunday only it was not a lazy Sunday and I mentioned politics ....... Sorry

Sunday and I was planning to chill and be lazy only mum has another one of those art exhibitions to organise and so we were making invites again today. I got the job of trimming a tiny bit of paper off the side of the invite so it all fitted together correctly. I was hoping to use one of those big scary French guillotines but I had to use a boring paper guillotine which is not quite the same.

 The dog said I am a man not a machine and said he was going to chase trees, I thought I was the man and he was a dog. And I was planning to ask the dog all about that chasing trees thing, but before I got the chance was gone and heading off towards the woods. He was shouting WOOF quite a lot trying to convince someone he is just an ordinary dog but that is not an easy thing to do when you’re huge with red eyes and texting someone on you’re mobile phone.  I think the dog changes his mind about whether he is a theoretical Mathematician and Physicist or a friendly dog playing stick depending on which option will get him the most food. Mum said all dogs are like that but most of them can’t do maths or use a mobile phone or speak Latin etc. 

Anyway I have managed to trim all the preview invites but they all need to be stuck together now so mum said me and dad can help her later before I do all my homework and wash the dishes after dinner. Well Sunday is not turning out as planned at all but that is what tends to happen if you make plans they never quite work and our world is rather prone to the unexpected at the best of times.

We still haven’t tried happy tea bags yet but I might have to after gluing, washing and homework because I will not be happy once I’ve done all that I will be well exhausted.  I have heard rumour of Captain Nessman leading a rebellion in the USA because they are not being nice to Pirates and so the Pirates have been firing cannon at city hall somewhere I think. Politics is odd sometimes because in the UK everyone is protesting that the government wants to introduce an American style Health Service and in America they are protesting because they want to introduce a British style Health Service. I was going ask mum and dad about it but they said  we have told you don’t do politics it’s the kiss of death ……….. ……. …….. ……. IDIOT

The Kiss Of Death ooooooooo that must be a good story  

 

Paul Nessman               Robby, from what I know, Captain Nessman strongly dislikes politics but has been pressed into service to defend the Pirate's noble cause and good name...or was that worthless cause and disgraceful name? All that I am sure of is that Captain Nessman's sworn enemy is a scallywag named Scott Walker. Whenever he even hears the mere mention of Scott Walker, he immediately blurts out, "IDIOT!"

In the UK we all think of the other Scott Walker of the Walker Brothers who were not brothers. So just to let everyone know Paul is talking of another Scott Walker unknown to us in the UK which sounds just as well I think. Mind you I think the Scott Walker we all know in the UK was a little eccentric at times.

 

The Cat the Dogs and the Beltane Celebration of Fire & Faery

I was told today by a very good friend that there may be a possessed cat in town apparently it has scary eyes, I don’t think they are red like the dogs though. It is so scary some people have been locking themselves in houses and my friend said they have had to go and try and save them. My friend likes cats even possessed cats. Heavy Harry the Cat is not possessed he is just greedy and very grumpy and keeps sleeping on my desk.

Me and the dog thought while we were out collecting wood for the two fires we had to make today we would also search for possessed cats and although we did find a few cats none of them were possessed, well we don’t think so. In the old days they would have been thrown into the lake and if they swam they were witches so large rocks would be thrown at them until they drowned. And if they didn’t swim then they drowned and they were not witches. It’s funny what people used to believe. Once someone thought you; or the cat were witches it was best to run away unless you really were a witch in which case you would turn everyone into frogs. There are a lot of frogs in our little town so someone must have been a witch, maybe it was the possessed cat which is now scarring people. COOL

Anyway me and the dog had to go to nine different woods to get firewood for the two bonfires for this evening and the Beltane Celebration of Fire & Faery held on May day. We had to walk a long way to get all the wood from all nine woods, Mum said If I hadn’t had such a big bonfire yesterday then we could have used that wood but I hadn’t even thought about the Beltane Celebrations yesterday and it was only by luck I remembered today thanks to my friend who was out looking for possessed cats, mentioning it in passing, they never found the cat either.

We all have to leap over the bonfire which is great fun although the health and safety man from the council will not let anyone over the age of seventy do it now after poor old Mr Evans dropped his two Pekinese dogs a couple of years ago when he tripped on his run up and they were slightly over cooked. Although they did not die in vain and were a lovely post bonfire leaping snack, Mr Evans said it is what they would have wanted but mum said IDIOT but she is a vegetarian so it doesn’t count.  


  

I would just like to welcome a new friend on FB called Reno Divorce a really good band and friends of Captain Nessman legendary buccaneer and Pirate of the High Seas. Maybe when that very nice Mr Steven Spielberg makes the blockbuster movie of the book of the diary they can play the title track, which would be well good.

Einstein and the Bonsai tree

Well we have something of a dilemma because tomorrow all the English schools go back to school, well the schools don’t but the pupils do. Only I am at a Welsh school and have another week off but I accidently started my holiday a week early on the English holiday, but if I go back to school tomorrow no one will be there. So I will have to take a few more days off.

Problem is the mum says I should do some work to keep me up to speed when I do go back to school, she says I can work on Einstein’s theory’s on time and space which mum said would be useful as the headmaster will want to know why I ended up with an extra weeks holiday. So the dog is teaching me all about Einstein and what his favourite breakfast is.

 I am not really convinced the headmaster is going to believe I have been travelling at the speed of light for two years in a circle and arrived back before I left creating a time space paradox which meant my two selves had to remain at home until I left again in order not to cause an anomaly in the fabric of the universe. I don’t think I like that excuse anyway because now I sound like Captain Kirk out of STARTREK. The dog says I should boldly make up an excuse that no pupil has made up before and has fallen about laughing. I did say I could tell the headmaster about the Einstein Cube but everyone said after all the problems with the FBI, CIA and MI6 it is best not to tell everyone you still have it in your bedroom on the top shelf next to the wireless…… AH.

I have even multitasked today working in a Linux Laptop a PC Laptop and a Networked Desktop as well  as paint a wall fed Heavy Harry the Cat at least one hundred times and pruned plants, not sure if they were the right plants to prune but they are much smaller now so that must be good? Mum has just said something about a two hundred year old Bonsai tree and has said IDIOT again.

Elaine Kerley                Love the dog and mom! You're too busy to know if you're coming or going! Lol

Paul Nessman               It sounds like you will need a holiday from your holiday

 You are both right I have been very busy doing normal things. This is very good as it does get things done that I need to do but it is far from ideal for my diary. I am only little too I don’t need all this responsibility yet most of my contemporaries are wondering about in our little town going ugg, wa, na, I'm bored, da and words like that. Apparently it is the language of youth only I don’t understand it, I feel I am not like normal youth and there is definitely something different about me. I will need to investigate soon.

 

The film re-enactment of Being John Malkovich

I have agree to go and feed the cat over the road for a few days Little Pop who is little and to be quite frank it is hardy surprising since he is so fussy with his food I have given him four different foods to try and he is having a bite from each and them going YUK I even gave him fresh sardines but he went YUK

The dog says this is yet another prime example of the breakdown in the laws of nature and anything that fussy should become extinct. I did ask the dog if we should call the RAC man out like the ghost writer when his car breakdown, but the dog recons it’s the wrong sort of breakdown and said IDIOT. I am not sure if he means me or the cat or the RAC man.

Dad  is still swearing at DIY on the new office although it is starting to look quite good considering he never uses a ruler, spirit level or any sort of square. His master plan was to finish it today but he failed as he still has things to do. He is also swearing about wireless networks as things are not working quite as planned so our world has become multidimensional like the rest of you, jolly fun but the dog thinks he might meet himself now and does not like the thought of meeting another dog as clever as he is even if it is him, But I have told the dog we could do the film re-enactment of Being John Malkovich but the dog said O GOD and IDIOT and then decided he needed a lie down thinking about that happening. I seem to have spent most of the day going round in circles but I think that is due to the multidimensional state of our world at present, it might also explain why some schools are on their Easter Hols and some are not. We were not sure at home so we played it safe and I stayed at home it seems silly to go and wait for a bus if it doesn't turn up, I tell the little old ladies that at the bus stop sometimes but they swear at me and hit me with umbrella’s

16th feb 2011 and all is very quiet in Mid-Wales

A quiet day today, I think it is to do with the time of year as it is not quite spring yet so it is sort of cold and sort of wet and sort of grey and because everyone has not been well we are all sort of weak and flimsy and our brains have sort of stopped

The dog for some reason best know to himself decided to take up knitting today; when I got home from school it had knitted a scarf with five arms and 3 built in gloves. I did say that seemed a bit odd but the dog said he has four legs and a tail and he only wears three gloves because he likes to keep his front left paw free to write and make rude gesturers at the bus drivers.  Mum said he shouldn’t make rude gestures at bus drivers but the dog said they won’t allow him upstairs anymore, and he does not think it’s fair.  I did try and point out that the buses they use now don’t have an upstairs but the dog recons that’s a rubbish excuse.  Because Pirate Pete now has steam powered bionic legs and can run at fifty miles an hour. The dog has got him waiting at bus stops and when the bus stops he tells the driver he is going to wait for the next bus, then when the bus drives off he runs ahead to the next bus stop and confuses the bus driver when the bus arrives at that stop, One bus driver has banned Pirate Pete but then as Pirate Pete says he does not actually get on the bus. 

You can tell it is quiet today because I am writing about the dog knitting and a pirate standing at bus stops.  I bet you are all thinking O no I am having to read about a dog knitting and a pirate waiting at a bus stop, when it would be so much more exciting if the dog was waiting for a bus and the pirate was knitting. I have just asked Pirate Pete what he would knit if he could knit, he said a treasure map but mum said IDIOT it would be much better to make a tapestry. Pirate Pete is really pleased now he says it’s the first time mum has called him an idiot, and it makes him feel like one of the family. Mum has just said IDIOT again but has given him a lollypop.

I am still not sure about this bloggggggg thing but will no doubt sort it in the end