N is for Nonsense, Newts and the Northwest Passage (a history lesson about Great British explorers)

A tale of a Great British explorer, and What makes us Brits Great.

Many Moons ago . . . . . .

Captain Nigel Nash had long planned to sail his ship the Nautilus to Nepal in his search for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway. Then luckily for him one of the New Nouveau riche, a Naturalist called Sir Napier Winky Knapsack. . . (The inventor of the Knapsack) heard of his plans.  Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said he was prepared to finance the intrepid journey, but he wanted to search for the famous and incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newt (no not like nodding dogs in your car).

The journey was long and fraught with numerous nasty obstacles along the way of which we will not talk now, or we will be here till the cows came home (a silly saying, as they come home every day)…. 

As they sailed into Nepal much to the surprise of almost everyone not the least of which is my geography teacher? They cheered and set about organising the long trek into the mountains to hunt for the incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newts which are blind and live in caves. This proved difficult as there was talk of a tribe of cannibals called the Nip Nip tribe. However the good news was the the Nip Nip tribe hated the unnatural and in their opinion Chemical laden Nasty Junk Food of Western man, so all that was needed was a bottle of Cola  and a Big Mac in a polystyrene carton about your person and they would see you as contaminated meat, and not fit for human consumption.

With the help of the much friendlier Nap Nap tribe they set off up into the mountains. It was an uneventful trip full of snow,  Yeti’s, crevasses, rock slides and angry mountain goats, a few deaths and the amputation of several fingers and toes.  But they reached their destination unscathed (well a bit unscathed). . . . . . As they surveyed the scene they were surrounded by the famous Nip Nip tribe, but Captain Nigel Nash and his men waved Big Macs and bottles of cola, taking big swigs and burping loudly. The Nip Nip looked appalled and were about to leave when the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack asked a Nap Nap translator to give the Nip Nip the following message. . . . . . .

I am a Naturalist called Sir Napier Winky Knapsack I am looking for the very rare Blind Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newt that lives in the caves. I wish to return to Britain with many Breeding pairs to save the species for mankind. Can you help me meet some

However the Nap Nap sort of got the translation wrong and what the cannibals of the Nip Nip tribe thought Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said was the following

I am Sir Napier Winky Knapsack, Completely organic; I have lived in the caves of Britain eating Pears and Bread and the occasional newt. I have spent all my life on a natural diet. I would like to come with you so you can eat some of me.

Of course the Nip Nip tribe were very pleased and cheered and led Sir Napier Winky Knapsack up into the high mountains and he was never seen again.  Captain Nigel Nash waited a few days but the crew ran out of coke and burgers and so returned to their ship to continue the hunt for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway, which they never found although they did discover NotFound Land.

On their return to Britain many folk asked Captain Nigel Nash about the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack, which after a time started to annoy him and so he took to telling folk. . . . . . . . . Well a nod is as good as a winky to a blind Newt

Mars and the Cat

Today was rather cold and misty first thing, and rather quiet as we were expecting the mad axe-men with chainsaws to arrive today to chop the big bit of tree down, but they never arrived probably because they have had to go and sort out another job of greater importance.

With all this astronomy on the television in the form of Skygazing Live myself, the Ghost Writer and Mr Jones thought there might be a bit of resurgence in interest in aliens but it appears that this is not the case. I think most people are still sulking after the anticlimax of the End of the World which sort of didn’t and those huge alien monsters sort of turned out to be next doors cat again.  I think another significant issue is that Stargazing Live is a science program and in general the masses are not fans of science, and yes I did mention maths yesterday so sorry about that.  However one good thing is I have joined the Mars mapping thing, a web site where you have to mark features on Mars, it is not super exciting because as the dog insists they have air brushed all the aliens out.  And just at present the site appears not to be reliable, probably due to a surge in interest; academics always have a bit of a scare when the masses arrive on mass to their web sites resulting in a giant crash. Well if you will tell all the geeky folk watching a nationwide well advertised geeky program it is to be expected.

The site by the way is at the following, but don’t expect it to work all that well until the novelty of it wears off in a few days time, such is the mind of the human being

http://planetfour.org/#/home

Please note this image is the property of Planetfour or Mars

Sooty the Cat has started his new Guinness book of records attempt today at eating as much food as you can in one day. He is up to 12meals so far I think it might be more we are all hiding from him because of the noise he is making. He is only little and must be close to eating his own weight in food in one day. I know that cats are a bit prone to eating more the colder it gets but it is due to get colder yet and there is only so much food  a supermarket can stock……..

I am definitely in the middle of a mid-winter writers block too, so writing my diary is a right old game at present, I can hear that Harry Potter laughing hysterically in the distance waving his wand and shouting Writiousium Ablankious Nowordiox, I always said never trust a young wizard with bad plastic surgery on their forehead in a vane attempt to do a re-enactment of Zorro the Movie . . . . .

Ooooooo I have just missed Stargazing Live too due to events (and people say there are no Aliens, really I must remember to take the camera next time)….. Lucky I had a small stick with me PHEW.

As it says in the song . . . Be yourself no matter what they say

The Constant of Normality . . . . . . . and the BIG EVENT

The year appears to  have already settled down into a routine very similar to that of most years. The days are going to slowly but surely draw out, a result of daylight still permeating the atmosphere for longer periods of time.  The news appears to continue in a way that is very similar to the way the news normally continues, and most folk continue to make the journeys to and from places that they normally journey between.  This huge constant of normality to which the human race work too has taken the human race three days to re-establish after the New Year festivities. If this was a John Wayne film round about now someone would be turning round to Big John and saying its too quiet, I have an uneasy feeling about all this. And who could blame them because there is no denying that the world must be almost due something of a global nature to take our minds off things of less importance such as is it possible to walk down the high street backwards and not stand on the cracks in the paving. I say less important but it might just be that such a skill after the Big Event may be of critical importance, so I might practice again tomorrow.  Of course the one thing we do know; is that the BIG EVENT will not be the End of the World, so I will leave all of you to suggest interesting alternative options of a global event (The BIG EVENT) that might occur during 2013…..

 In other news we took a trip to the DIY store in Shrewsbury to get tongue and groove panelling so that I can continue my excellent job, yes it appears I am doing such a good job I am being allowed to finish it.  . . . . . . . . AH . . . .DAMN.  So this afternoon I continued the task for a while and it is coming along, although I have a feeling I have not yet reached the hard bit.

I have also noticed that cyberspace has become remarkable quiet, I suspect folk may have all run away for various reasons and are hiding somewhere else in cyberspace, having a party because they said on the news that people in the UK now spent huge amounts of money on downloaded music and games. This is a worry as I do neither but I do write more than most, the dog says people don’t like words they like a man with a machine gun running about in a maze who looks a bit grumpy chasing mutants (that’s the man not the maze)….. Still the Ghost Writer is grumpy so all I need to do is get him to run about, although it will only be with a water pistol but it has the same effect on a cat as a machine gun does on a mutant (OK sort of a bit).

OK I am off now to drink a mug of cocoa and eat toast and ponder the arrival of certain global things know to some (me) as The BIG EVENT, not the End of the World. . . . . .

Ooooooo I have just noticed I have a very manky keyboard, full of wildlife and stuff……

I do like this music VERY COOL

By the Way this is post number 700 on this Blog.....
I am slowly getting to the one million words