Proof of the eccentricity of life in the Country and therefore Alien life by default

I was pondering about what to write about as life ticks by in an almost normal fashion at present. This is good but also rather bad as the very nice Steven Spielberg is hardly likely to rush to the rolling hills of Shropshire to make the film of ordinary life in the county even if we have a few Zombies roaming about and Aliens in the woods pursued by Mr Jones in the nude who is in turn pursued by the police as folk complain that Mr Jones is in the woods naked again.  And then there are the Lemmings of Petrograd, The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, Esmeralda catapulting the goat in the general direction of the out of town supermarket, Freddie teaching his ferrets to do tricks, and the odd Banshee at night.

So you can see it is hard to find new and interesting stuff to write about although I did think I saw an Alien at the Commonwealth Games last night on the TV running in a race, but he did not really do very well so that can't be right. Unless a virus has afflicted the aliens and they are suffering like they did in the film the War of the Worlds (the old film not the newer rubbish one)

Anyway as I was saying I was pondering that there was nothing to write about when an advert in the local County Times came to my rescue, it is good when stuff like this happens because it shows that I don’t make this stuff up it all really happens out here in the sticks.  You see tomorrow is Tough Harry’s Fun Day in Churchstoke and they have all sorts of things going on, but one particular item caught my eye (no not like catching a ball).

Yes its true there will be DANCING SHEEP. . . . . .WHAT? . . . . . .  I have not seen dancing sheep before and until now did not know that sheep danced. I have no plans to go and see the dancing sheep I am just satisfied that just for once I have hard evidence of the bizarre events of life here, and besides I have a horrible feeling I might just end up disappointed if I go. . . . . . .. . . .

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I is for Interesting Instructions of an Irregular type.

It appears that when someone leaves you a little note to remind you to do a particular task it is not a good idea to amuse yourself by modifying the instruction in case you forget that you modified it when you read it the following day. Let’s face it the very reason the note was left in the first place was because I tend to forget things.

So after waking up and waving my hair about in the shower and staggering about saying who am I, what day is it, where is my brain . . . . AH the Zombies have nicked my brain . . . . Eating some breakfast and then groaning loads in order to prove I am a Zombie. I noticed a note left for me to tell me what my task is today. So having read the task I decide I should do them in the order they have been written down. 

Instruction One: - Strim Cows

 WHAT? . . . . . . I don’t know what that is about but if I am left a note then I have always found it is best just to do what I are told, there was a time I would get distracted and go off and do other things and so the important jobs would get left.  But no longer I am a lean mean efficient fighting machine (sort of).  I am not sure if any of you have ever tried to strim a cow with a strimmer it is far from easy, in fact it is extremely hard. First off you need to get the flock (sorry herd) penned into the corner of a field and then fire up the strimmer and then charge at them in a random way to confuse them. If you are lucky you might get to strim the side of the odd cow as it stampedes past you, I will tell you right now cows do not like strimmers one bit.  Cows can shift I have always thought of cows as slow happy docile beasts with a happy go lucky attitude to life, oblivious of the fact they will be turned into dinner for the masses at some point.  Yes OK they did start making tunnels a long time ago, but that was the past, those cows have long since been char grilled and covered in sauce.

Cows it turns out (to get back to the point) can move rather quickly and it also appears that if annoyed enough say by a young enthusiastic chap with a strimmer can be a little aggressive. Well when I say little I really mean big; cows are big, very big.

So after a short time of chasing cows with a strimmer I found myself pursued by angered cows intent on revenge. This quickly led to a decision to abandon Instruction One and concentrate on Instruction two.

Instruction Two :- Pick Parsley

Well this was a piece of cake and done in a flash. It was only afterwards when I was asked Have you Strimmed the Cow Parsley at the top of the drive that I remembered I had slightly modified the note left for me . . . . . . . . Strim Cow Parsley . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN

The good news, I now have, but the bad news is I don’t think the cows like me anymore. I have told them I don’t eat cows, but that has only lead to rumours and now the farmer does not like me either.      

Mutant Flesh Eating Zombie Rabbit Christmas gift tags

With more of an effort on making homemade things for Christmas and also as we are all having a quieter day after last night’s party. It was a good party but there was one very loud band, they were a good band, but loud. I could tell when several folk ran screaming from the town hall clutching their ears and pointing towards the upstairs of the town hall, although at first I assumed it must be aliens hiding on the roof again.

AH  . . . OK as I was saying we are having a quiet day here and making things for Christmas, so I was helping by making small gift tags in particular Mutant Flesh Eating Zombie Rabbit gift tags. Although mum did say IDIOT as it appears I was meant to be making holly and Santa gift tags, I did explain that Mutant Flesh Eating Zombie Rabbit gift tags were far more popular that ordinary gift tags and no self respecting Goff would appreciate getting a present with a smiling reindeer looking them square in the eye.

It has been yet another cold day outside and so I have not ventured out into the elements, and am maintaining a minimum number of layers of clothing I have worked out that the optimum number of layers to maintain normal temp is eight so I am wearing 32 items of clothing at present but it is not ideal when trying to cut the fiddly bits of a Mutant Flesh Eating Zombie Rabbit gift tag. I am trying to think of some good Mutant Flesh Eating Zombie Rabbit jokes to put into the Christmas crackers, and we have found a nice selection of mummified things to add as gifts, so they will liven up the school Christmas party. 

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Banksy and the Ferret in the Dark

 Yesterday I sort of wrote YA SUCKS BO we are all sunny and warm and everyone else is in the cold autumn mist, well that was a mistake because today it is cold dark and wet and has felt like mid winter all day. I can tell it has been a bad day from the solar panels on the house, yesterday they produced 15 kilowatts and today they produced a total of 950 watts, so not even one kilowatt. I think that is the worst figure so far. I will say though that overall the solar panels are jolly good they just don’t like days when it is dark even at midday.

Another not so good event today was a trip to the dentist, last time we got rained off when it rained so much it flooded the road, and although it was raining again the roads did not flood. I wonder if there is a connection between going to the dentist and rain, maybe I should stop going to the dentist then it might be permanently sunny although I guess in the end all my teeth would fall out. So is rain and teeth better than sun and no teeth, I am not sure.

At school we all sulked and shone torches at our text books because the headmaster is on an economy drive to save money, and today was too dark to read anything without a torch. I always have one handy in case the end of the world should suddenly turn up, lets face it you cant really predict these things that well unless you are the dog who says it will be 6:30 the first Friday of June next year. Esmeralda luckily has a clip on interchangeable torch attachment, so she was fine also and Freddie’s Ferret can see in the dark so was able to assist Freddie a bit, although the ferret is rubbish at maths so was of limited help. As for the rest of the class there was a lot of falling over chairs and shouts of I’M LOST AT THE BACK OF THE CLASS . . . . . . . . HELP.

The economy drive by the headmaster by the way, is so he can save enough money to clad the front of the school in a new iconic stainless steel façade in keeping with the schools new academy status, rather that low grade breeze block. With the words We love ferrets in huge letters sprayed on in red paint. Which was done by an unknown person a few months ago; it is signed Banksy but I am not sure Banksy likes ferrets much but I know someone who does.

Anyway it is well dark and it is now even 6.00pm yet so I think I will declare that Britain has officially reached Winter, and I am off to eat the second half of my rather delicious Indian takeaway from Montgomery.

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What is Blue Monday........ Lemmings, Windows and Banshees

Today was Blue Monday the day when the British leap out of windows a lot. The Ghost Writer was in his grey office and told us they have secured all the windows so they can only open about two or three inches. It is a health and safety directive to stop people leaping out of the window on Blue Monday, or accidently falling out of the window by accident.

For those who do not know what Blue Monday is it is the point after Christmas when the general public realize that the Christmas holidays and jollities are over and the sudden dawning that they have to work for another whole year? And as the Great British public are very much part of western capitalist society, it is just about now that all the Christmas credit card bills are turning up.  Add to this the gloom and doom of winter which still has a long way to go, and the theory is everyone will jump out of the window debt ridden and depressed, well they would if the Welsh Assembly Government had not screwed all the windows closed. The lemmings of Petrograd say that leaping out of windows is easy and they do it all the time but then they have had plenty of practice and are rather apt at bouncing.

 In the end it turned out that the sun shone all day (it was rather cold ….. OK very cold) and the sky was blue all day, so it really was Blue Monday.

I am sorry I am late tonight but I have been drumming as part of the last two Djembe players in the Wild hills of the borders we feel we are obliged to continue holding the old tradition of drumming in the Winter night stars (the ones in the sky) so that a bunch of celebrities can talk about them on the television and make lots of money, while we get cold and don’t. And although I think the Banshees in the woods appreciate the drums, I think the fox and the badgers do not, I think badgers are tone deaf as it happens and seem to be more interested in worms.

Finally I just have a slight suspicion that something might just be happening in the small box with the Mushrooms growing in it (or Alien Creatures from Venus) but I am not sure, at this rate Miss Fionaski the famous Russian spy will have eaten all hers before I get my first one.

Large canvas tarpaulins and Patrick Moore telling of Life on Venus turning our bodies to Slimy Jelly

I finally finished the box for the Cormorant this afternoon so the beast in now in its box PHEW, at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop where I spent the day helping out and shouting at the public. It does help to keep them on their toes and stops to many of them roaming about aimlessly.

Even dad was there today and was dead pleased because he met a man who had two large canvas tarpaulins he was about to throw away, No one gets to throw stuff away if dad is about they are meant to be about sixteen foot by twenty four foot. So dad says they will be ideal to set up for a party some time. Dad likes parties but not people so he has parties on his own, well I get to go too and mum and the dog and the parrot and the cats and probably the badgers will turn up if there is food. Badgers are well known gate crashers of parties and gates.

It was Mystic Ali’s Big Christmas Fair in Montgomery town hall today, we had forgotten about that so there were a lot of wizards and warlocks and witches roaming about but they don’t really come to see Mr Beelzebub much.  Mum did say I could go and get some lucky heather if I wanted, but I said that she was not there.

I got too see Venus tonight. It is one of the pluses of living away from the hill, we have a lot more sky (not the TV channels) to look at, and Venus as we all known is the bright thing in the sky. Well after the dogs flare gun anyway. He says it helps him spot the badgers as they are scaring the cats, well its either badgers or Yeti or big-foot, but none of them are overly keen on flare guns in the middle of the night. Nor is Patrick Moore as it happens when he is doing a live “Sky at Night” to tell folk about life on Venus and how it will be coming to eat us all next year and turn our bodies to Slimy Jelly. Apparently the rating have fallen a bit lately for “The Sky at Night” and it is part of a cunning plan to improve them.