The Strange case of Dr Bumble Beaman and Mr Hive

We all know the plight of the humble Bumble Bee as its numbers continue to drop across the Country due to changing climate and environmental pressures, and this is the background to the rather strange tale of Dr Bumble Beaman and Mr Hive. You see Dr Beaman was a keen bee keeper and decided that he would do experiments to develop a new super nectar so that his honey bees would be strong and flourish. He was an odd character and liked nothing more than to dress up as a bee and would often be (no pun intended) seen out among his hives talking to his honey bees. Dr Bumble Beaman was a quiet reclusive man and locked himself away for hours on end in his laboratory (the shed at the end of the garden) where we would mix and stir various flowers and sugars and ferment strange substances in order to produce his new super-food for bees.

Well time passed and folk sort of forgot about Dr Bumble Beaman’s experiments until one night when the full moon was at its height a group of local villagers saw a terrible apparition. It was a huge Vampire Bumble Bee that was running up and down the street buzzing loudly and biting the heads of flowers in the villager’s front gardens. Well at another time of year that might have been overlooked, but it was only a few days until the Britain in Bloom competition, and the Small village of Upper Dilly-Pickford (where they all lived) had won the best village prize for the last four years. And if it won this year it would receive a large silver cup and appear on Gardeners World and that nice Mr Monty Don would visit to present the cup.  

Well the very next morning the village Britain in Bloom committee met and thought they must do something in case the terrible monster bee returned. It was at this point that they all thought of Dr Bumble Beaman, after all if anyone knew what to do it would be him. So the mayor and the chairman of the village Britain in Bloom committee went to see him, but when they arrived at the house a dishevelled and sick looking Dr Beaman open the door refusing to let them in. He did however say he would look into it and investigate, although he kept twitching and making slight buzzing sounds which the mayor and the chairman of the village Britain in Bloom committee put down to a bit too much gin.

That night yet again the terrible huge Vampire Frankenstein Monster bee was seen attacking the roses of Mrs White at No 22 and then eating water lilies in the village pond before pushing Mr Brown’s prized pumpkin into the old horse trough. Enough is enough thought the village, and the next evening they lay in wait near the villages centre piece, a seagull and a goat made out of geraniums and sweet peas next to the village car park where it cleverly hid the recycling bins from view. Then just before midnight running up the road buzzing came the sight and sound of the terrible monster bee. As it got close, the villagers leap out and chased it with pitch folks and extra strong fly spray. Panicked the huge mutant vampire Bumble Bee ran back to Dr Bumble Beaman’s shed and locked itself in.

A terrible unspeakable thing happened that night and neither Dr Bumble Beaman nor Mr Hive (the Monster Bee) were ever seen again, and the village of Upper Dilly-Pickford received its big silver cup from Monty Don. Sadly though just a few years later all the bees died out or vanished and there were never any flowers in  Upper Dilly-Pickford after that and it never won the Britain in Bloom competition ever again and there was a strange lingering feeling of guilt among the villagers that eventually drove several of them mad. The large silver cup they won hidden away in a locked cupboard in the village hall.          

The Great Unspeakable Monster of the Underworld.

Harry Potter is not Dead he is just Nesting

AHAh ah ahah ah ah ah ah ah ah h ahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha 

ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha 

Yesterday as we all know was Valentines Day and here in the village this means that we all meet in the village hall and have a traditional Sunday lunch, which is grand. Now being a very rural location what this tends to mean is that folk pile their plates up and eat huge amounts of food. In fact the amount of food folk can get on a plate can be a bit scary, but they seem to manage to eat it all. However all that eating of all that food has the slightly undesired effect of many folk needing to take a trip to the village hall toilets. Sadly the village hall toilets are not as efficient as one might like so when they get used on mass then certain masses get stuck in places they should not. This in turn leads to a degree of panic as water levels rise in the toilets rather close to overflowing while folk scream and run about.

Well the thing is as some of you might remember in a moment of madness a while back I said I would sort out the village hall toilets as my good deed for the community. . . . Yes that was very mad indeed. So as I was eating my cheesecake, ice cream covered in cream yesterday a voice whispered in my ears the loos are blocked and it’s horrible. Well there was little I could do yesterday so this morning on what has turned out to be the sunniest day of the year, I set about my task of sorting out the blockage in the pipes. The sun shining down from above and a huge unspeakable black monster of doom peering up at me from below, turning my spot stood in the car park into midway between heaven and hell.

Anyway after a bit I sent the demons of hell back down the forbidden pipes of the underworld and wandered home to tell all of my great ordeal as I fought the great unspeakable monster. The thing is no one wanted me to speak about it and said it would put them of their dinner, but I did point out the great unspeakable monster mainly consisted of yesterdays valentines dinner and it was alright for them but I had, had to fight the beast and encourage it back into the underworld.

I also took a brief trip into the Castle of the Bishop today where I looked at wool and pointed at some other wool.  And I drew a picture of a cursed wizard because I rather liked the image although all I can say is I bet he was not as cursed as I was this morning; that is one monster you will not see on stage (well I hope not. . . . Potter Poo YUCK.)  . . . . . .     

Harry Houdini, Harry Potter and a question. . . Is JK Rowling an Alien

It is clear that folk do like a bit of escapism, not as in Harry Houdini the escapologist but as in Harry Potter and his ordeal with the forces of evil.  I mean if you think the big two films of the moment appear to be Star Wars and Star Trek and there is much excitement at the short taster of Strange Beasts and where to find them . . . the next almost Harry Potter film. I say almost because I don’t think he is in it, it is not like the Hitchcock films where he sneaks in as a bit part and maybe says Expelium acrowfly at a passing crow turning it into a cheesecake. (WHAT?)

Anyway the point I am getting too in my long winded way (a cunning plan to make my diary look dead interesting) is that magic and sci-fi, aliens and ghosties and other strange beasts have a massive following among the masses in their various formats. And the reason for this is the desire we all have to think there is more to life the universe and stuff than just poking at wasp’s nests with a pointy stick and smiling at cats. In case you are worried there may not be, its OK there is; I know for certain but it’s too long a story to explain why.  But as I say folk need interesting tales and have done for thousands of years, and this sort of led me to a thought, one that those of you of a strong religious belief in any particular faith may disapprove of. I will not be religion specific because different faiths have different beliefs and different holy books.

And here we are getting to the point of all this; could it be that books like the bible are in fact the ancient equivalent of Star Wars or Harry Potter. . . . OK I can see that at least one person is not happy, but it could be there are loads of dodgy holy books that have caused all sorts of issues over time because of mankind’s desire to belief in alien’s magic and strange beasts and the like. And they all do that good fighting evil stuff, I mean who is the most likely chap to see a strange light (or alien Spacecraft) to follow in the sky . . . a shepherd. . .  

And if Aliens beasts and Magic were in the mind of man a few thousand years ago man needs to ask why, could it be that aliens arrived thousands of years earlier and have assimilated themselves into the very fabric of mankind. Is it possible that I am the last real human. . . . . Look I know I’m a human because aliens would not type as badly as I do and come up with preposterously loony ideas that are not only very plausible but probably right. Maybe all the Magic and monsters are red herrings so to speak (If you don’t understand what a red herring is and think it’s a fish then you are an alien for sure), or maybe these are skills from those early aliens which are now lost. 

You see one thing I have discovered is that if you tell it like it is, as I do in my blog then no one will read it. This can only be because there is a conspiracy by alien wizards and space bears to suppress the truth as told my me. . . . .  it would also explain the popularity of Star Wars and Harry Potter. I know it means JK Rowling might be an alien, she does have very high hedges around her garden that could hide a spacecraft and I have never been invited to visit. 

So if you are an alien and would like to explain what your plans are then I suggest that you. . . . . . . . . . Take Me to Your Leader. . . .

And I know the Royal Family are all aliens with their secret hand signs as they pretend to wave at the public. 

Poetry for Creatures Hiding in Shadows

The pitter patter of tiny feet

Upon the cold, dark and wet scary street

Might be a Witch or a Zombieeeeee

Or the invisible man; who you never see

Or it might be a Werewolf who will loudly howl

Or something scarier on the prowl

Or a Mummy from an Egyptian tomb

Or the Great Winged Dragon of Ultimate Doom

Or a tiny Goblin with a pointy knife

Or that Count Dracula’s demonic bloodthirsty wife

Or it might be a Cat that is ten feet tall

Or a Banshee with its terrible call

Or Uncle Jim drunk staggering home

Or a homemade monster made with bits of spare flesh and bone

Or a Ghost wearing steel toecap boots

Or a Triffid scurrying on its horrible roots

Or the Sandman carrying a Gladstone bag

Or Rumblestilskin or a Psychotic Hag

Or a mad Goat that has eaten too much toast

Or the Haunted Hog that was once a Roast

But one things for sure as you increase your pace

Its cold clammy hand

Will wrap round your face

And its Vampire’s teeth will bite your neck

If you try to turn just to check

Surely you can’t be the victim of such an evil curse

Although it could be

Something

Even

Worse

HAH HA Hah a ha ha a ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah a ha hah

Of Course

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

Ran away

But might come back

SOON

A short history of Halloween's Origins

Well I admit it this is a repeat of last years post for the same day but the thing is I am busy. . . . . NO really I am not lying, I am very busy . . . . . I mean I have tea to drink and cakes to eat and small things to point at and go OOOOOOooooo what is that then its a small thing, lets poke at it. So this is it; I have even used the same picture, just how lazy is that then. . . . HO HUM . . . And just before I hand over to last year I would like to add that I do have a new idea for an entirely new Halloween story for 2015 that is dead good although it is still in my head, not actually written down yet. Strangely they always seem so much better in my head than they appear written down which is odd. . . (Witch is ODD . . . . .  HA HAHAH hah ah a ha ha haha hah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha).

OK back to last years interesting and useful information  . . . . . . .    

Halloween what’s that all about then, is definitely one of the big questions of the moment and it is time someone answered it properly. If you search cyberspace you will be bombarded with loads of stuff, but it will all be a bit wishy washy (no not as in Pantomime but as in vague).  This is what always happens when paganism meets religion, but not here no, you will get to know exactly what’s going on.

Firstly it is important to take note of the time of year, and the weather, this year in Britain is a classic to explain why this all started up. We had a fairly good summer and the sun sort of held on over September and then October arrived and the weather has crashed big time, it is dull, damp and getting cold.  So way back in the days when we were all tribal and waved sticks and worshipped the sun and the like (the good old days) what did folk do to get themselves through the long hard winters, remember there was no central heating unless you were a Roman. Well they had parties or as we like to call them now Rituals, yes everyone likes a party but in general we need a reason for them stuff like birthdays, passing exams, catching your first crocodile and the like.  Back in the old days folk would associate these events with their local god and Halloween also got linked to celebrating the dead. Things were different then, death was not all gravestones tears and flowers, it was big fires feasting and dressing up.  Remember the old ancestors did not vanish they were and are still about and it was good manners to show some respect an maybe burn a huge effigy of an Elk and wear a big mask and go and visit all the locals, eat, drink, dance, cheer and wave pointy sticks.

However main stream religion got involved and said it was a Christian event in a cunning plan to get rid of all these other gods and effigies. But old customs are difficult to get rid of and before you know it small children were doing trick or treat all over the world. In particular the whole event appealed to the USA having arrived with the Irish and Scottish way back (they were good at this stuff) and the spirits of the dead were turned into monsters, mummies, vampires, huge things with pointy teeth, witches and the like. This allowed the corporate business world in the USA to make a killing (no pun intended) by selling all sorts of gruesome characters made out of China’s very best genuine recycled plastic. As well as packets of dodgy sugary things that are needed to give to the swarms of trick or treat children that turn up at your door sort of saying things like . . . . .GIVE US STUFF OR WE SET FIRE TO THE RABBIT HUTCH. . . 

These days with it all being witches and monsters and the like religion has got all funny about it and say it’s the work of the devil. They really should have just left it alone and let the pagans have a party for their long lost ancestors round a big fire and eating and generally having a good time, much like they do at Christmas. . . . . . . AH.

Anyway there you have it that is the Origin of Halloween . . . . sort of    

Vampire Propaganda, Zombies and Treasure Island

Have you noticed in recent years how certain monsters in the world of fiction have faired better than others, it is a very odd thing indeed, I mean these days it is almost a positive to be a vampire. It is a long time since vampires were generally grumpy middle aged men biting dodgy women in the middle of the night who then spend the rest of their days looking a bit off colour and laying about all day in boxes of mud in the cellars of old castles.  No these days there are even vegetarian vampires who only nibble the odd vole from time to time when they need a bit of get up and go.  And they are no longer grumpy middle aged folk but teenagers and the like, clearly the world of teenage vampires is something that would leave Vincent Van Gogh (sorry Vincent Price) turning in his grave demanding a medium rare stake.

Even the likes of Werewolves seem to have their decent understanding side and avoid howling in libraries now, I mean in the old days they would have chewed the leg off the librarian and left them propped up against a copy of Treasure Island just for a laugh.

However (I like the word However it crops up a lot in this blog) there is one group who has always drawn the short straw so to speak and never come out well in books or films or even video games. And that is Zombies . . . O yes indeed no one wants to be a Zombie, they are always seen as slow and stupid, not nibble gymnastic scientists who just happen to like to eat a fresh bit of Brain direct from its tin. It is all just a bit unfair and something should be done. . . . Zombies are nice, a bit nice . . . .  should be something small child are taught in School so that they do not succumb to the obvious propaganda of the modern manipulative vampire     

OK I could write more but I have been helping in the hospice shop, well I say helping I wander about looking confused and attempting to keep a few shelves topped up as part of my good deed bit. It is important that we all do something how ever small to make the world a better place, because then the world will be better. . . . OK it probably will not be better as there seem to be more folk making it worse than folk making it better.  So there that’s it I am knackered and off to chill for a bit before I crash out.  

The plight of Mermaids, Monsters and Mythical Beasts

The World is a place where things change there is little if anything anyone can do to stop it. Sometimes it is for the better and often it is not and most of the time it is impossible to tell if it is for the better or worse.  One of the sadness’s that gets little if any thought is that of the plight of Mermaids, Monsters and Mythical Beasts, O yes I can see a slight look of puzzlement on the faces of many as they dwell on what I am saying. You see many many many years ago such things had a real place in the minds of man, they were real and existed even if they were seldom seen.

When they were seen they were generally blamed for all sorts of stuff they did not do. Folk do stuff like that, blaming mythical beasts is to put it bluntly an easy way out of trouble.  I’m sure we would all happily shout . . . . The Mermaid did it. . . when someone is demanding to know who ate their ice cream.  Of course what happened is science turned up and along with rational thought putting an end to many of the beasts of the past as anatomically impossible or some such reason? Without . . . I will add the slightest morsel of remorse for destroying the deep held believes of many generations.

The thing is us humans need our Mermaids, Monsters and Mythical Beasts and so we are forced to find them in the wilder places of the world and ensure that they have some sort of scientific plausibility. Critters such as Big Foot, Yeti, The Loch Ness Monster as well as many other beasts, particularly of the deep sea and lakes.  But I can’t help but think the day will come when we finally kill them of as well.  And the strange world of unknown large and even small mythical beasts will be no more.

These things are in our DNA they need to be real, I mean just ask yourself why do folk like films like Jurassic World or King Kong or Godzilla its not just simple entertainment it is more deep rooted. Only the problem is it is no longer possible to see them as a real possibility of a world that might just still exist in a small corner of Planet Earth. . . . Like in the film The Lost World, a world that is now lost for good.

The world would be a better place if the possibility of Mermaids was distinctly a real possibility. 

Part One of Hogwarts v Jurassic World.

Due to a very very small increase in cyberspace elsewhere of Harry Potter based followers. I feel I need to write another short alternative tale of Hogwarts for these rather specialized punters. As they say in the docks of Tiger Bay, on the road to Mandalay from Bombay to Santa Fé, o'er the hills and far away . . .  A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. . . If you are not a fan of Harry Potter, it's OK because the link is a little tenuous. 

All the young wizards at Hogwarts were getting rather excited as it was the day of the Christmas Coach trip to somewhere exciting. Well that is not always as easy at it might first appear because these are wizards and they tend to have a slightly more interesting life than most. What with all that flying about on broomsticks and hunting dragons and the like in the magic forest and the various other activities they get up to with frogs, snakes and owls. 

As they all climbed aboard the coaches the young wizards all muttered and complained and said why can’t we just fly there on magic carpets like last year it was much more fun. But the headmaster Harry Potter explained that Jurassic World was in fact a muggle attraction and they had to behave and abide by the rules of engagement when mingling with the muggle masses.  And anyway Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompires  Jurassic World might be a muggle attraction but Professor Frankenzompire was well and truly old school wizard (very old school) and would be rather annoyed if anyone started waving their wands about in public; to which several young wizards sniggered.

After what seemed like no time at all (I suspect there may have been a bit of magic going on) the convoy of old coaches arrived in the huge coach park of the Jurassic World complex where the young wizards immediately headed off to buy Pterodactyl Burgers and Chipiasaur Fries all covered in Cretaceous Sauce (YUM) . . .

As Harry and his daughter,  Lily Luna wandered round the various sights, Harry insisting that dinosaurs are not good pets and are rubbish at doing tricks, even simple ones like balancing chickens on their heads, they noticed a large flock of flamingos.  As they did so a voice behind them said

O god it Must be that Girl again I recognise all those flamingos, it must be Alice and Higgs and probably that stupid White Rabbit I bet. . . . .  The voice of course was that of Hermione.

But before Harry could respond another voice could be heard that drew Harry’s attention to something else.

Headmaster sir sir sir sir sir its Harrison Ford-Cortina sir sir sir he has sort of had a bit of an accident sir.

As Harry looks off into the distance he can see a huge crowd rushing towards him and behind that is Harrison Ford-Cortina only he is not his normal self, he is looking a little more like a Tyrannosaurus Rex than he did when he got on the coach this morning.

AH DAMN says Harry

WOW DAD can I have Harrison Ford-Cortina As a Pet says Lily Luna HE’S COOL.

Well Master Higgs the White Rabbit did say it would be fun to turn up here and see what was going to happen, I DON'T think anyone or anything has eaten anything or anyone yet said Alice who along with Young Higgs and the White Rabbit were standing on the roof of the monorail stop to avoid the stampeding crowd as it headed towards the main exit.

HELLO HARRY shouted Young Higgs at Harry who was now hiding behind a large fibreglass Ichthyopterygia along with Lily Luna, Hermione and several young wizard pupils as they attempt to avoid screaming muggles as they panic.

Then as it gets quieter and the panicked crowd vanishes off into the distance and Harrison Ford-Cortina growls at Harry Potter in an attempt to explain it was nothing to do with him. The tall and terrifying image of a mad demonic Wizard appears out of a large cloud of wizardly cloudy stuff; it is none other than the awesome and imposing spectacle of Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire himself, looking a little deranged and annoyed.

To be continued       

Steven Spielberg, Jurassic World and certain investment concerns about dinosaurs

As my few but loyal followers will know I have been cooking up brilliant ideas for the very nice Steven Spielberg now for about four years and in that time have thought of hundreds of them. Some of them probably even good ones, yes the law of averages states that I Rob Z Tobor is capable of thinking of good ideas, a bit like all those monkeys writing Shakespeare in the infinite voids of infinity.  So am I annoyed that the nice Mr Spielberg is doing a sneaky and churning out yet another dinosaur film, this time called Jurassic World well the answer is . . . . . . . . a bit.

And in order to understand just how improbable this film is it is important to go back to the beginning when some bright spark comes up with the idea of Jurassic World in the first place. So let us reflect on a man as he walks with purpose along the busy streets of Gotham City clutching his neat leather executive case heading towards the Gotham City Central Bank.

Hey hello Professor shouts a voice in the crowd as Professor Frankenstein busily pushes his way through the throng into the huge marble hall way of the Central Bank, its magnificent classical columns twinkling with the light of the halls chandeliers.

O hello Clark I am a bit late for an appointment at present so will see you later, I could have a great story for the paper. With that he waves and heads off towards the manager’s office, it is not good to be late when you want to borrow several million Dollars.

Professor Frankenstein you are on the dot please come straight in it is always good to see you. Says the banks Manager

Ah Thank you . . . you are very kind

Please take a seat and tell me how I can help you, although I have to warn you banking has changed in the last few years it is not like it was back in the good old days.

Yes I have a new plan. One greater than any of my previous plans and one that will make us all very very rich it’s a brilliant plan if I say so myself. But I will need to borrow several million dollars.

Well as I have said Banking is not what it was, but we are always keen to support good ideas tell me all about it.

Yes I want to build a world full of living dinosaurs and breed them in captivity it will attract millions of visitors and scientists from all over the world. . . . I thought I would call it Jurassic World.

AH . . . . Well Professor it sounds a bit like Jurassic Park to me and we know what happened with that and more than once I may add.

Yes OK it didn’t entirely work out as planned but this time it will be dead exciting . . . no pun intended. . . and entirely safe. . . . . Sort of.

You said that last time Professor and you told me that they would be small dinosaurs not huge things

Well they were smallish . . . . they just had big claws

Indeed and just how big will these dinosaurs be this time.

Welll mmmmmm maybe 70 to 90 feet long or so but with smaller claws.

Look I’m sorry Professor but the bank can’t afford to invest in more monsters we are not thought of well at present and your track record is a bit dodgy to say the least. I mean what happened to that chap you made with the bolt through his neck. And we invested in that King Kong which turned out to be a bad move, as did that bloke Indiana Jones and his Pyramid Scam. And if anyone mentions the creature from the black lagoon again I will hit them.

So it sounds like you are saying No

O what the hell we will give it a go what can really go wrong. . . . Sooner or later someone will get the hang of these dinosaurs, they cant all be super intelligent killing machines. I mean just how realistic is that,  After all even that nice Steven Spielberg would not be foolish enough  to make yet another of those films would he.

AH DAMN funny you should say that

THE END. . . . . . . . . . .   

The Big Fantastic Finish of Harry Potter Returns from the Dead . . . . . Part Five

Previously Part 4

As Young Higgs, Alice, the White Rabbit and the Identical Twins enter the great hall there is an eerie silence, dust and cobwebs cover the tables and a shaft of light through the window falls onto a small object on the floor ahead of them.  Alice walks across and picks it up and gives it to the White Rabbit who smells it intently nods and then hands it to Young Higgs.

What is that said Young Higgs

It’s the remains of Harry Potters Wand it is a bit short and charred but enough should remain to get him back.

I’m not sure exactly how I’m meant to do that I thought someone here might help.

No we don’t need help we do stuff like this all the time so we can make it up as we go along it will workout fine.

With that the White rabbit pulls out his rather large flick knife and carves a drawing in the top of a table showing a circle and the cat in the glass jug in the centre he points at the ash and the cat in the glass jug and indicates that Young Higgs should lay them out as shown. Young Higgs does this and then they all stand round the thin circle of ash.

OK Master Higgs it is time to use the wand said Alice

What am I meant to do with it?

All you need to do is wave it about and watch

As Young Higgs waves the wand the ash slowly but surely starts to creep clockwise. Slowly speeding up, getting faster and faster. As it speeds up so more ash appears lifting into the air in a huge spiralling vortex, becoming a blur of shapes and forms. Then the sounds of fire and screaming grow in volume and the shapes of the young wizards start to form in the ash as it spins.

Young Higgs, Alice, the White Rabbit and the twins move backwards and as they do so young confused wizards are propelled out of the ash vortex landing with a huge thud on the wooden floor. Within just a few minutes there are hundreds of them running about and then in one last crash the vortex vanishes and Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are sat on the floor next to a very large smiling cat.

Cricks says Harry Potter we have been saved that’s damn good

Well it was inevitable Harry I told you we would be said Hermione who looking at Alice and the White Rabbit asks And Who are you

I am the Heroic Heroine of this story and the reason you are here

Surely NOT I think you will find I am the heroine. i don’t think a Mary poppins lookalike is likely to get aNY lead role. And what is that cat doing

It is the cheshire cat and it is about to vanish and go back home.

The Cheshire Cat slowly floats into the air and starts to fade and as it does so it sings

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;

All mimsy were the borogoves,

And the mome raths outgrabe.

Beware the Jabberwock, my son!

Beware the What says Harry Potter but before anyone can respond the main door of the great hall is smashed down by a huge and scary beast

Hermione quickly looks in her copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, but the beast is not listed Harry its not in the Book she shouts at him.

It is the Jabberwock surely you know that says Alice and it is no good trying any of that wizards stuff on it, it wont work.

With that both Alice and the White Rabbit pull out large Flick Knifes and run at the huge scary beast perform a couple of triple somersaults in the best tradition of any good Kung Fu film and throw the knifes deep into the chest of the Monster. The beast crashes to the ground and as it does turns to dust, steam and smoke which fills the great hall. Silence falls except for young wizards coughing and spluttering in the dust and smoke; then (faintly at first) the sound of feet running, thousands of them getting louder and louder and louder.

Young Higgs says to Alice WHAT IS THAT.

It is time to go, me and my travelling companions are leaving through the back of one of the wardrobes as we have to meet a large Lion with delusions of grandeur. You will need to get to the other side of the great hall as quickly as possible.

With that Alice, the White Rabbit and the twins vanish off up a flight of stairs. As Young Higgs turned, a huge flock of flamingos entered the great hall causing chaos. But Young Higgs did as he was told fighting his way past flamingos, young Wizards, Harry Potter and Miss Granger as they wave wands about attempting to take control of the situation. Through the dust smoke and steam that swirled about from the death of the Jabberwocky, he pushes and weaved until he hears a strange sound, a muffled distorted voice from a tannoy. As young Higgs looks up he suddenly realized he is back at Kings Cross Station with staff chasing flamingos and angry commuters trying to get home.

As Young Higgs opened the front door of his home his mother says HELLO SON I THOUGHT YOU WERE OFF ON A TRIP, he looked at his watch and exactly two minutes and twenty three seconds had passed since he left, YES I WAS he said BUT IT IS SORTED NOW.  That evening he watched his dad Professor Brian Dumblecox on the BBC ten o’clock news explaining that the sudden appearance of Flamingos at Kings Cross was proof of the existence of Quantum Mechanics and we should expect more events of this nature to occur.

The following Morning he thought he might just go to the strange old book shop where he found his copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. As he walked in he found the shop heaving with young wizards buying books and waving wands about and going on about Hogwarts being open again.  Then the bookshop owner said AH MASTER HIGGS I HAVE a BOOK FOR YOU LEFT BY a YOUNG LADY YESTERDAY. He looks at the book called Alice Through the Looking Glass, IT’S A RARE FIRST EDITION YOU ARE VERY LUCKY said the bookshop owner Young Higgs opened the Book and inside it said . . . . I’LL BE BACK . . . . ALICE

THE END

Well you will notice I have cunningly left this open for a sequel or even 6 or 7 sequels. This is what you need to do if you want to be famous. . . . . . . Im no fool.

(The day of the Triffids) or Harry Potter Returns from the Dead . . . . . Part Four

Previously Part 3

Arriving at the quayside below the towering towers of Hogwarts Academy it was clear that it had suffered over the years and was in need of some repair. As they walked towards the building a voice in the distance behind them shouted

Har Har Har Make sure you have that book of your handy Master Higgs YOU'LL be needing it quite soon, raise the top sail me hearties it be time to plunder ye black swan HA HAH AH A HA HAH AH ha hhar har

What did he say Said Young Higgs

You will need your book said Alice In fact I think we need it right now. What on earth are those terrible walking plant things at the end of the Quay

I will look in the book of Fantastic Beasts and where to find them, that will tell us. . . . . . . . . . .AH that’s a bit of a nuisance

What is said Alice

I have accidently picked up the wrong book this is the Idiots guide to conservatory and greenhouse plants. . . DAMN

You are an Idiot Higgs what are we going to do now

Hang on funnily enough those beasts are in the book that is a stroke of luck . . . they are Triffids and the book says they hate salt and not suitable for most domestic greenhouses.

Where are we going to get salt from then?

Well as it so happens said Mr Teedy-dum and Mr Tweedy-dee we have loads, we use in our chicken pies and we always have ingredients to hand just in case a chicken should pass by. . . . or a Dodo.

The battle raged for what seemed like ages as the small band defended the end of the quay from the multitude of Triffids using the salt which they threw at the Triffids as they advanced.  The White rabbit however decided they tasted rather delicious and set about eating as many as possible and with the aid of his trusty and rather large flick knife destroyed most of them single handed. As the last two or three Triffids ran off into the Magic forest they climbed the long staircase up to the main door which very slowly and noisily opens up as they get closer.

Well Chaps this is it we have reached our destination said Young Higgs . . . Who is that over there

It looks like Professor Rubeus Hagrid said Alice.

As they walk across to see him and ask questions they can hear him mumbling and talking to himself

Knit one PURL one where has that seagull gone now, silly bird I have told him not to eat potions in the spells room. OOoooooo hello who are you lot then have you seen a seagull I am training him to be a wizard.

No we have come to restore Harry Potter back to life said Young Higgs,

AAAhhhhh I know that name Harry . . . yes he had Ginger hair and a big beard 

No

No was he the one with the limp and the mad look

No he was the grumpy one who kept getting into trouble and pretended to be all innocent.

AH yes I know you mean Harry Potter. He’s Dead you will not find him round here, His wand is in the Long Hall. You know the place where the incident with the cat and the glass jug happened.

Yes look I have the cat and the glass jug here. Said Young Higgs

AAAAAuuuuuuuuuuugghhhHHHH I better be off I’ll see you later.

With that Hagrid ran off unaware that a large seagull was standing on his head and the group led by Young Higgs headed towards the long hall. Where our story will reach its dramatic conclusion

TO BE CONTINUED

Will Harry Potter live?

Will Alice and Hermione Granger get on?

Will Hogwarts return to the days of glory?

Will someone be eaten by the Jabberwocky?

Who is the mysterious man in the cupboard?

Will I be sued by JK Rowling for slightly nicking characters?

Will Steven Spielberg ever read this blog?

Will my typing improve?

What will be the next Big Question that needs answering?

Will I go to IKEA Tomorrow?

These and many other questions will probably not get answered in the last and gripping instalment of  . . . . Harry Potter Returns from the Dead . . . . coming to a cinema near you soon.

Maybe not today. Maybe Not tomorrow but AH DAMN . . . . . .Probably Never. . . but KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES.

NEXT the Grand Finale ALL IS REVEALED 

Scottish Independence (sorry I am doing my bit). . . Important Facts about Scotland.

It’s Sunday and I plan to bore you all silly once again with the great Scottish Independence YES NO vote due in just a few days. I know it’s terrible after nearly 300 years of little or no news about the strange goings on of the homeland, the damn place is all over the news like it is the most important thing happening in Scotland. . . .

So what are the facts about Scotland?

1 Well it has a population of about 5.2 million or just over, of which about 2.5 million are working or should be.

2 If you ignore oil for the moment its top exports appear to be Food and Drink. . .  I knew everyone liked deep fried Mars bars, Iron Bru and a Tunnock’s teacake.

3 Scotland already has its own Legal System separate to that in the rest of the UK

4 Scotland also has its own Education System

5 And to buy a house in Scotland is different to that in England.

6 Scotland has its own Sportsmen and teams who get to compete internationally for their home Country although not in the Olympics. Scotland also has its own Highland Games with things such as Goat Wresting and Grouse Bobbing.

7 It has its own language, dialects and customs that are a mystery to the rest of the world and many Scotsmen.

8 It has its own weather that is much wetter and wilder that England making many Scotsmen a bit grumpy.

9 It is a land of many mountains and moors. Ben Nevis being 1344m high when it has warmed up in the sun and the longest river is the River Tay 193km on a wet day.

10 And it has loads of History going back ages long before the Roman invasion of Britain in 1^st century AD when the Romans had to build a wall to protect themselves as the Scots had pointy sticks and were very scary.

11 The motto of Scotland is “Nemo me impune lacessit”, or: "No one provokes me with impunity . . . . . . PAL “or its modern equivalent “Are You Looking at Me Pal”

12 Scotland still has its own protected species of Underwater Monster that the English have tried to steal or discredit since 1545. . . . . . NO it’s ours so YA SUCKS BOOOO.

13 Scotland has the greatest sports fans in the world who will always chant the famous Scottish phrase “WE WAS ROBBED” after all matches or competitions when we lose right at the end.   

That last point is rather important, in fact it is very very important indeed because it is the one the Scots always forget every single time.  It is why it keeps happening and I can see it happening yet again. The English appear to be defeated and are sulking and wandering back home to London and the like. The Scots chasing them, waving their kilts in the air and throwing cans of Iron Bru and that Mr Cameron chap, laughing and sniggering as they pursue the English deep into England. Only to realize too late that they have not voted yet and they are now too far away to get to a polling station and then the NO Campaign wins by 52% to the yes vote of 48% . . . . The Scots having been tricked yet again . . . . . . .

All I can say is   WE WAS ROBBED.

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