Did Volkswagen (VW) cheat . . . . . The Big Question Answered

It appears that poor old VW, (Volkswagen) have fallen foul of American car emission laws by doing a sneaky, but it may not be quite as bad as it appears at first. And as far as I can see Volkswagen themselves may have fallen on their sword a little too quickly, and I will explain why.

You see the world has pointed at them, well American have and shouted cheats cheats cheats stand in the naughty corner. . . and Volkswagen has slumped off stuck the naughty hat on and are feeling very down about it. Well they would do this because in many ways they are the equivalent of the school swot within the world of car manufacturing, something some of our American friends have always resented a bit what with one thing and another.

Now imagine you are the school swot and in an exam you are asked the question. . . . What do you know about the effects of Blue shift when dealing with light refraction in neon. . .  You think a second and then answer . . . I know nothing about the effects of Blue shift when dealing with light refraction in neon. . .  It is not the answer that is wanted but it is a right answer and you get your ten points for getting it correct. No one else thought about that and so did not write anything. Then afterwards the teacher tells the whole class what you did to make you feel bad, but was it wrong or was it a way of getting the points by giving an answer that complied to the question. . ????

You see this is at the heart of what Volkswagen did. They did not set out the test that the car was subjected to, in order to test the emissions of vehicles on roads in the USA, that was done by the American authorities. But back in Germany a rather clever software geek who looked at the test realised that the software that controls the emissions could be set to give a really great answer to the test, because the test conditions were fixed and rather predictable.  Now to me that is a bit cynical and underhand maybe, but not cheating, all it means is the test was wrong, in the same way the question. . . . . What do you know about the effects of Blue shift when dealing with light refraction in neon . . . . Is phrased wrong so that an answer can be given that is not actually the one required.   

A couple of years ago in Britain there was a huge scandal where politicians could manipulate their expenses to claim all sorts of stuff from duck houses to soft furnishings and posh televisions and the like. The politicians did not all put their hands up and say. . . .  sorry we cheated. . .  No they all said. . . we did not break the law. . . . in other words they were morally dodgy and corrupt, and may well still be for all I know, but it was not what might be called cheating more creative accounting.

And this is the key issue with Volkswagen have they really cheated or have they just made their vehicles fit the rules in a rather immoral way. It might seem a small point, but can you fine a firm for doing this . . . .  I suspect not, they have not actually broken the law.

One other point is that the emissions tests are a little pointless anyway because drivers all drive differently; do they have any relevance to a boy racer, granny, a commuter driving through the city each day, or a farmer sticking red diesel in his car or the man locally who ran his van on old chip shop cooking oil. . . That was one smelly van.  I think we can say No. Few folk drive their cars in a technically efficient manner.

If Volkswagen would like employ me to defend them in the American courts I will consider the offer although I am not cheap and don’t have a passport, so would need plenty of warning. . . . And I am very scruffy and don’t drive a Volkswagen but will if they give me one.

OOoooooo one other small point. Had Volkswagen supplied rigged non production cars to be tested in order to comply then that is cheating, but it appears all their cars have this cunning bit of software so that may not be right but it is not actually wrong (Legally speaking).

THe Big Question. . . . Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour Party Leadership Contest

Every now and again I enter the world of politics, and I am also well known for answering Big Questions of our time, so today (if I manage to get this written in time) I will merge these two themes and deal with the upcoming Labour Party leadership Election.  As it happens I have no say in this as I am not a member of the Labour Party or any other party for that matter due to my bitter cynicism of all things political.

Now everyone here in Britain is well aware that there are four people standing for the leadership one of whom is called Jeremy Corbyn, but in other countries this news may not be important and therefore unknown. If you live in the USA where politics is generally a lot more to the right than in Britain then you might see Mr Corbyn as the child of the Devil and President Putin, this is not correct. He is it appears a rather principled chap but on the left of the political spectrum. The important point as far as I can see is that he is man of principle and stands up for what he thinks is right, OK I don’t know for sure if all his ideas are right, but he says and does what he believes is in the greater interest of the country.

Now it is interesting to ponder why he is standing for leader but I have a theory, you see Labour being Labour likes to be seen as fair, so there are four candidates for leader two women and two men.  Of these four, three are fundamentally main stream, a couple politically in the centre of the Labour Party one is to the right of the Labour Party (remember this is the part of the left. . . I think) and then there is Mr Corbyn on the left of the party. It has been said he was only proposed as a token candidate to keep the left quiet and that no one would support him and he would vanish into obscurity again as an old idealist maverick with his foolish ideas. Sadly for the establishment of the Labour party everything has back fired big time.

Yes you see society has been steadily getting more unequal over the last few years and although some will say the poor are not any worse off than they were; the point is the rich are getting much richer and gap between rich and poor continues to widen.  Well many ordinary folk who are not well off have seen a chance to vote for someone they can relate too, so many have paid their three pound to join the party in order to vote for Jeremy Corbyn the idealist left wing Maverick, which has now made the rest of the party who are all for maintaining the status quo in order to woo the middle classes and business to vote for them come the next General Election. One could argue at the cost of the principles of the Labour Party, but they say it is important to be in power or principles are pointless.  However thousands of ordinary folk are saying HANG ON if power is more important than principles then exactly why should we vote for you, I think we will all vote for that  Jeremy Corbyn the idealist Left wing Maverick.

We appear to now be getting to a point where suddenly certain folk are saying Mr Corbyn is a devil worshipping android monster from the planet Mars and keeps bees in jam jars. And once met a man who ate fish from Harrods.  So far the efforts to discredit Mr Corbyn have back fired and looking at it all from a long way off, it is not doing the Labour Party any good.

My advice is everyone stick to principles and tell those who will be voting what you stand for rather than worry about being in power, that will happen if you are a decent person and folk believe you.

Don’t politicians realise folk just don’t trust them to look after the masses rather than themselves. . . Well it appears at present there is one politician folk are prepared to trust. . . .     

A Simple Guide to the Greek financial Crisis. . .

It has been some time on my blog since I have discussed an important issue, so as we reach the end of the Greek financial Crisis (again). I think it is time for me to explain to everyone why the various leaders of the EU countries and Greece find themselves in the present situation. You see it has been ongoing for a long time and just when you think it will end the deadline moves a few months weeks and now days.

So how did this Crisis Happen

Well think of Greece joining the EU as a young student getting its first credit card.  You get a card and get to spend loads of money as long as at the end of the month you pay back a small sum. Well after a bit the bank lets you borrow more money because you have paid back the minimum payments for a few months.  You can then go off and spend more money and pay back a bit more. The bank now thinking it will make loads of money out of you in interest lets you have even more money which as a young student you spent (Yes its great). But after a while you end up owing more than you earn in over a year and the only way to pay it back is to borrow a bit more. This is fine until the bank says NO SORRY that is it you have really reached the limit for now, it then all goes horribly wrong because you have spent all the money and cant pay the bank or anything or anyone else either.  Well this is exactly what has happened to Greece they had a great time spending all the money but it has now all gone and gone wrong.

So why can’t they sort it out

Now you would think the top European bankers and leaders of the various countries in the EU would sort this out easily but there are a couple of major issues that none of them will admit. The first of these is Greece is Bankrupt and giving them a bit more money will only make it all worse in the future for everyone. Secondly the banks should never have lent all that money to them in the first place without checking that they were not having a party and spending the money on a good time.  The terms and conditions of being part of the Euro are quite strict but were I suspect not entirely stuck too by either side as both parties thought they were on to a good thing, Greece getting lots of money to spent and the banks convinced they would make loads of interest at the Greeks expense.

Neither party thinks it’s their fault and now expects the other side to sort it out but the truth is neither side can. They have to work together to solve things but it is likely they will just shout and wave fists.  Greece needs to leave the Euro Zone and the banks need to help a bit for them to do it. And in the long term Greece needs to repay the banks although it will be a long long time before that happens.

I think they need to talk to me but  they all think they know better and would call me an IDIOT. Folk do that. . . . .  I for one have never spent what I don’t have so get by OK but don’t have the latest Bling, This though is not the way of modern economies or banking.

All I will say is that it will not end well or quickly.

Sorry there were a few errors in spelling (again) so I hope it is better now and makes more sense.

OOOO the pic I will discuss the Creature from the Black Lagoon. . . Soon 

The General Election . . . . . Who to Vote for . . . The big Questions Answered

Yes I am back dealing with the big issues of the day, no not Royal Babies I mean just now many times can a royal baby leave hospital and it didn’t even wave and it still can’t spell its own name yet. . .

Royal babies do not do much for the masses who might show some interest if they are so inclined, it appears some folk do like royal babies. I am not a fan of babies myself as they are not good conversationalists and have unspeakable demands.

Interestingly folk who are not good conversationalists and have unspeakable demands brings us to the key point of this post Politics and the forthcoming General Election on Thursday where the politicians of each of the parties standing are keen we should vote for them as all the others are evil (or so we are told).  This is not entirely true even though most of us think they are all evil. So exactly what is the truth who should we vote for . . .  Well this is a (very) short guide to help.

 if you are wealthy and have a large private pension that will pay out loads when you are sixty my advice is vote Conservative. . . .  I personally am a bit of a lefty but even I concede that if you are rich then the Tories are your best bet.

If you are someone who is struggling on a minimum wage and live in rented accommodation it makes sense to vote labour they are historically the party who are most likely to look after your best interest. Although they are not as left as they used to be

If you live in an area where you feel you should have an MP who should have a direct interest in your area then pick the best regional party for your area such as Plaid Cymru in Wales or SNP in Scotland. And if you have strong feelings on particular issues vote for the party that will best represent those issues such as the Green Party or The Aliens are our Friends Party.

You may decide to vote Liberal Democrat as they tend to think of themselves are a centre ground party but this area of politics is one where Labour and the Conservatives tend to say they can best represent you, so in the end I would say if all else fails and you don’t like any of the other parties vote Liberal Democrat. You can’t be sure what they will do but they will muddle along in the middle ground as best they can . . . . . sort of.

Don’t attempt to tactical vote, the main two parties are always saying voting for small parties is a waste of a vote but they have a vested interest in maintaining the present voting system. And to all intent and purposes represent a cartel where Labour or the Conservatives are always the winning party.  It may take many many years before small parties have any influence in parliament but unless folk vote for what they believe rather than either or, then nothing will change and the main two parties will carry on as they have for decades more. . . So Vote for who you believe in. . . . (OK believe might be the wrong word)

Finally just make sure (if you can vote) you go and do it, and vote for who you think is best (or the best of a bad bunch) even if you vote Monster Raving Loony, or politics will never change and we will be in the hands of the career politicians forever.  

Back in January I predicted a Labour-Conservative Pack to keep all the small parties out of power it will be interesting to see if this comes to pass.    

The Aurora Borealis, Professor Brian Cox and why are humans not that hairy. . .The big Question

I have not pondered any big questions of late and this might explain part of the entire lack of interest in my blog at present, well that and my ability to ramble on about absolutely nothing. So I thought come on Rob Z Tobor time to look at the bigger picture and consider one of those Big Questions one where the answer is far from clear even for a chap like me. You see I was outside last night looking at the sky, on the off chance I might see the Aurora Borealis; did I see a hint of green through the mist and trees I will never know for sure, but stuff like that happens. Was that a three headed dog running along the dark ally at the back of the chip shop with a large lizard in its mouth (mouths), life is full of little glimpses of things out the corner of your eye that make you think . . . . . . Was that really a ???? . . . There is a whole different world in the corner of human eyes.

Anyway while I was out not seeing the Aurora Borealis, wrapped up against the cold with a selection of warm clothes watched by two cats who ran off when they thought they heard a three headed dog, (it was only three of next doors dogs howling at a banshee).  I had this thought why are humans not covered in hair . . . . No I mean proper hair like gorillas or bears (who are not bare) if we are the descendants of the great apes we should be covered in hair but we are not. This is odd because normally where an animal exists both in a hairy species and bald species the bald one spends its entire life in caves and has rubbish eyesight. And if you look at humans as a whole it is amazing how many wear glasses and have rubbish eyesight. Me for one if I take my glasses off I would be unable to tell the difference between a gorilla and say a hedgehog so I have to make sure I am wearing my glasses if I go out in the garden looking for hedgehogs (they taste delicious HAH AHah hahahah ah ah ah ah ha ha hha ha ha ha hahah ha haha haha ha ha ha). Add to this the fact that a lot of the very earliest evidence for man can be found in caves and potholing is still a popular sport made me ponder the very distinct possibility that the human race is in fact rather less a great ape as a rather weird sort of Monkey Mole or maybe a Mole Monkey.

I mean what was the first thing that man started making back in the stone age it was burial mounds or as the very hairy Great Apes would say as they pointed at the large mound. . . . . . . WOW . . . .  ****** look at the size of that mole hill. 

I don’t want to be a mole . . . . . . . DAMN.

Oooooo that reminds me Stargazing Live with Professor Brian Cox is on the TV tonight. . .  

What is mans greatest fear . . . . . . . . The Big Question

There are many differences between men and women both physically and physiologically as you might expect, I mean if we were identical it would only cause a lot of confusion although it would make religion a bit easier.  There is however one thing that is the Achilles heel of every single man in the world irrespective of whether he is a rock climber,  musician, nuclear scientist, mechanic or a Patagonian goat herder. It is something that men fear more than any other thing, and yet women don’t understand why and will often look indignant and shake their heads as a chap desperately tries to find any reason he can not to undertake this particular task. It is said that men have gone to war and fought to the death rather than face this; on the face of it simple task, that they are often asked to do by women in particular.  Enticing their chaps with erotic clothing or bacon butty’s or whispering rude things in their ears. But chaps will seldom do this terrible thing even when enticed with a half naked woman holding a hot bacon butty with fried onions and brown sauce made with a lightly toasted freshly made bap with loads of butter.

So it was with some trepidation that I started the day knowing that one of the tasks of the day was this mans greatest fear, although luckily I had enough other things to do to avoid starting. In the end though I had to face mans nemesis and with the appropriate implements to hand I set too. But then I had to stop as it was time for our evening meal and I am now too weary to start again, and tomorrow I am busy and on Wednesday, in fact it will probably be the weekend now before I have to face this terrible thing again and carry on with the terrible task of putting up shelves.           

How fast does stuff change . . . . .The Big Question

I have just been thinking, and thought I need to write one of those big questions again before the masses get distracted by a passing seagull and wander off into the night never to return. So what sort of big Question will I write and this is it . . . .  How fast does stuff change, the Big Question. I know you are all thinking WHAT? Exactly what is he on about now. Well it may all seem a bit abstract but it is a really interesting question. You see change is all relative, to some things change slowly and to others they change really fast and the same is true in nature. You see a Mayfly lives for about a day so to a Mayfly a day is an entire lifetime and to us it’s a day.

Now the thing is these days almost everyone over here in the decadent west has a mobile phone or a computer and any small child would just assume that these things have been about for like ever. But tell that small child that stuff like computers and mobile phones were something that just did not exist when you were young and they will look confused.  In fact most modern technology, stuff like satellite navigation or touch screen things were devices from Star Trek and even Star Trek is old to some . . . . If I said. . .  Its Life Jim but not as we know it to a small child it will tell me to ****** off because they will not have a clue what I’m on about. . . add . . .its the Engines Jim they will nay take it and they will think I’m an Idiot. Television is a relatively new device, and it was only 1903 just over 100 years ago when man made his first powered flight. Folk don’t give aeroplanes a second thought these days and there are millions of the damn things moving people and things all over the world.

But all these things are changes; things that quietly happen around us, most of us don’t really notice these sorts of changes so the big changes like shifting continental shelves or the fact the Sun in real terms has a rather limited life span in relation to the likes of the universe don’t even register as change. It is estimated that over 99% of all life that has lived on planet Earth has become extinct and it is said that about a dozen species of living things become extinct every day. But we don’t notice these changes.

Even in towns, at one time most houses had a fireplace where folk would set fire to lumps of coal and roast the cat but this is not so common in the big metropolis’s and I am told there are children who have never seen an open fire. . . YICKS I must be old (we still have one).  I can say that for many years on my trips up north to Scotland I used to travel on the Flying Scotsman and Steam was the norm until they introduced those huge great Deltic Class 55 trains and look what happened to them when was the last time anyone saw one of them. Folk used to have to use tin baths and an outside toilet. In the town I previously lived in I have talked to some of the older members of the community who remember stuff like that. These are things that have happened in a single lifetime. So change is important because it would be damn useful to know what exactly is likely to change in the next thirty years or so (after that I will be too old or away with the fairies so will not care anyway)

So there you have it another big Question . . . . . . . . . sort of not answered a bit.

I think the best think to do is to think of mankind as a tiny blink of light that is almost unnoticeable in the huge voids of the universe. Well of course I do not include myself in that tiny blink I’m a camera flash (an old fashioned fixed plate camera flash. they were real flashes not like digital cameras they are rubbish).

Why do humans like different stuff . . . The Big Question

I have just enjoyed a rather good Indian takeaway and am now drinking a nice cup of tea made by me. Interestingly the Indian restaurant makes great food but their tea is rubbish. I have tried to get them to make weak tea in the past but they just can’t understand the concept and it arrives like a cup of crude oil, ready to take the hairs off your chest and make you sing like Tiny Tim on helium.

Anyway this has made me ponder one of those big questions which is the vague theme of this year’s blog. Only because you were all getting bored with the day to day life of me doing my day to day stuff and writing a daily diary.  Yes the big question is . . . . . . Why do humans like different stuff. . . .  At first this might seem like a silly question but is it, you see in nature Lions eat Gazelles or Zebra, they dont go . .  AAAAhhhhh I wanted vanilla ice cream I don’t like raspberry ripple ice cream.  So why are humans so damn fickle about stuff why will one chap like pink and one like orange but with a subtle hint of blue.

I think we have to put this down to evolutionary development. To many (well mostly humans) humans are the pinnacle of evolutionary development on earth, we have invented the wheel and the screwdriver. However all species of critter on Earth will diverse to some degree in order to cope with environmental changes that may occur such as drought, flooding, temperature change or food sources vanishing. The problem for mankind is that humans are the first critter on planet Earth to change his environment to suit him rather than the other way round. This is OK while its all in control but just lately it has all sort of got out of hand, humans are ironically too successful as a species and have to put it bluntly buggered the planet a bit (I know a strong word for me indeed).

The thing is though, we are at the end of the day just another critter evolving on planet Earth in order to continue as a successful species, we are programmed to do this and have no free will to do anything else.  But as we are now slightly detached from nature thanks to things like central heating, cars, aeroplanes, supermarkets, chairs, Indian takeaways and many many other things, our genetic diversity has gone a bit odd taking an un-nature turn.

What this means is that some of us will like flock wallpaper while other will prefer a nice painted wall, or maybe you will find you prefer a city flat to a county cottage in the country. All well and good, but I suspect when it comes to the crunch and our environment makes a sudden change it seems unlikely that only those who eat coffee fudge ice cream and prefer a nice floral wall paper with matching rugs will survive. The rest of us dying out because of our taste in soft furnishing and liking lemon bon bons from the old corner sweet shop which sadly has become extinct.  

Can we beat the Laws of Probability. . . . . The Big Question.

Here we are again at the very edge of yet another Big Question one that folk often asked in many a scientific research establishment or the great corridors of the worlds Universities or even the slightly dark and dodgy looking bookie just off the high street. You know the one with the nondescript window and fading sign. What they all want to know is . . . . Can we beat the Laws of Probability. . . . . Yes folk have been working on this since the beginning of time and the answer is complex to say the least.

The simple answer would be. . . Yes and No but not always . . .  But that is not the sort of answer you have come here to read about is it. . . .  But if it is well mmmmmm that’s it then you can go now and do exciting stuff. . . . . . .  .

Well we all know the principle, toss a coin into the air insuring it spins and the Laws of Probability will state that the likelihood it will land either heads up or tails up proportionally will be just under 50/50.  It is just under 50/50 because the Laws of Probability state there is a very small possibility it could land on its edge. Do this four times in a row and the probability of getting the sequence right is (4*4*2) + (4*2) +2 plus the unknown element of the coin landing on its edge, something that is unlikely but possible. (OK I have done this maths in my head so if I’m wrong YA SUCKS BOO)

Now turn this into a horse race where there are a huge number of significantly substantial variables which affect the result and it is possible to see why bookies are well off and gamblers are poor.  But of course the Law of probabilities can be applied to many highly important aspects of Science not the least of which involves two rain drops running down the window of a Nuclear Research Laboratory where the scientists have to calculate the angle of the wind and the pattern of the other drops of rain on the window. Remember each rain drop will collect more rain as it descends.   And therefore Science will tell us that the drop nearest the centre of the window will be the 5 to 1 odds on favourite to win the race. Allowing Professor Clarke to recover his losses from his impetuous bet in the snail race along the reactor floor, after his foolish bet on the larger British Garden Snail.  It is a common fact that its larger foot would make it susceptible to increased heat from the reactor. Had Professor Clarke applied the Laws of Probability to the snail race correctly he would have know this and not lost 87p betting on the nose.  The snail has since became a superhero due to unforeseen and highly improbable side effects worked out to be 119,5555,321 to 1 making the research establishments tea lady a very rich woman.  She never did understand the Laws of Probability, but likes to read Marvel comics.         

So can we beat the Laws of Probability, well the answer we can now see is clearly . . . . .

Yes and No but not always . . . . . . . . . . DAMN.

Fingernails . . . the Big Question Answered

Well I was asked a question in cyberspace the other day about fingernails, no not the nails you can buy to nail fingers to walls, but fingernails at the end of fingers.  I can’t remember the exact question (sorry Miss Lily) but it was all about their purpose and stuff. And this is an important question because it is not one that Charles Darwin or the Pope ever used in their epic battle of theory v theology.  One the Pope always used to win, but mainly thanks to the Spanish inquisition, folk never argued with the Spanish inquisition. As history has often told us religion can be a bit iffy in its methods of persuasion, anyway this a distraction from the issue of finger nails.

So let us consider fingernails in evolutionary terms what was there function and what are they. Well we know they are made of the same material as hair which explains why they grow constantly, but do they perform something useful like pointing. . . . Well NO.

You see man's nearest ancestor on Earth is the chimpanzee and they don’t do much with their fingernails either in fact in nature most critters don’t use fingernails. The main exception to this is cats, they have fingernails but they are known to us as claws. So this must mean that man and cats are closely related in some odd way, it can’t be a coincidence that they are one of man's closest domestic animals that share (or takes over) his house and life. Even both our main food sources originate from supermarkets.

So it appears that the primary evolutionary purpose of fingernails was to catch mice. This now defunct function in man however has been lingering in the subconscious of the human race for thousands of years and has been the driving force behind mans technological development as we worked relentlessly towards our new goal, the artificial mouse which has finally reached its pinnacle with the Optical Mouse as used in most homes to move that little cursor about on our computers. We are reconstructing the cat playing with its furry toy.

Theology has still never resolved the issue of fingernails and religion is still uncomfortable about why God created them.  If you ask the Pope about them he will raise two fingers in the air to show you his fingernails, shrug his shoulders and then say something to you in Latin which is best not translated.    

Rumpelstiltskin and the Dormice of Doom . . . . The Quiz Team

As I continue to wallow in my state of less that one hundred percent fitness as I fight off the side effects of Man Flu, by rubbing goose fat and barnacles on my chest. That Wikipedia is full of useful tips from the medical cupboards of wise old Victorian Housewives and withered gentlemen of the road. I have decided that the lucidity of my mind is now sharp enough (today anyway) to write something useful on my blog. O yes some say that it is a lie and that I am still as barking as a mad grumpy puffin in a seafood restaurant, but what I say to them is . . . . . . . AH HAHAh ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ahahahah hah ah ha ha hah Haddock, Kippers and Fish Pie HA HAHAHAH ha ah h ah ah a ha hah ah ah aahhah ah a. . . . . .  and you cant argue with that. 

Last night despite my frail state and delirious mind I was part of a four person quiz team along with Mrs Ghost Writer, Mr Charlie and Miss Jane where we were up against thirteen other teams answering questions on all sorts of stuff. I was given the opportunity to name our team so I called it . . . Rumpelstiltskin and the Dormice of Doom. . . I have always thought quiz teams need intimidating names in order to wrong foot the opposition.  It was an interesting quiz with some very difficult questions but by half way we found ourselves in second place. After a rather good meal of Sheppard’s Pie and French bread all inclusive in the modest price of five pound a head, we leapt into action for part two of the quiz. And at the end found that we had managed to hang onto second place even though by then I was insisting that either Elvis or Seagulls or Nutmeg was the answer to every question.  The team that won actually won by a huge margin, but did have five members so I was able to establish mathematically that we had actually answered more questions per team member and so were really the winners.

This morning I was forced out yet again because I have foolishly volunteered to be a first responder for the village’s defibrillator, I say foolishly because I would not let me near me with a device that zaps folk. Anyway today was our training day but the man who was going to train us did not turn up and now we all have to turn up again tomorrow. I am not sure I will be able to catch the cat again tomorrow quite so easily, so that I have something to practice on.  There was a local funeral today as well so we have now missed our opportunity to revive the body….

Once I am fully aware of my surroundings again I will delve into the world of those big questions that folk hesitate to ask or answer . . . Things like. . . . Where did all this paranoia about walking on the cracks in the pavements come from. . . .  and. . . Why do cats sit in boxes. . . .

Big Questions Answers . . . Will 2015 be the End of the World.

Interestingly so far, as we approach the end of 2014 no one has mentioned the End of the World. This is unusual as most years we are told that next year is going to be it (the End of the World). I suspect folk are keeping their heads down about predicting this because in recent years there have been several times where it has not actually happened and there is nothing quite as humiliating as everyone looking at you the next day like you are a complete idiot followed by anger as it dawns on them that spending their life saving on a pet dolphin and a night in a posh hotel in Blackpool was a bad idea.

So having subdued the crackpot element of the End of the World prediction game we can look at the possibilities with logic and a fair amount of rationality. You see one thing we know we can’t say is  . . . . The World will definitely not End in 2015 . . . .  So having established it might End we need to look at the possibilities and assess the risks.

1     Well it has been said that there is a meteor due in 2015 that is rather large and may hit Earth . . . .  We can see this as a high risk possibility so 50%

2      We know that the Super Volcano in North America will at some point erupt, it is said by scientists that a Super Volcano is overdue, so although the Yellowstone Park one is not in theory due to go bang it is a possibility and so is a known high risk maybe 25%

3     A complete failure of all electronic devices due to a huge solar flare. This may not be the End of the World but it would bring the End of the World as we know it. A solar flare large enough to cause this would be rare but there is concern in science that the risk it may occur is increasing. So let’s say 15%

4     A terrible epidemic with no known cure will rapidly spread through the world’s population and reduce numbers to a level where our lifestyle is unsustainable and those left fight over the last tins of beans. . . . The risk is increasing, antibiotics are not what they were and human travel makes it likely that once something highly contagious got out of control it would be every man for himself . . .  risk maybe 5%

5     An as yet unknown force or series of events that will result in the End of the World is always a possibility and there are lots of them but in most cases unlikely so let’s say overall  4%

6     Aliens OK aliens are to many a very remote possibility, but we all watch films and if there is one thing we know, it is they are out to take over the planet so that would be the end for us. But lots of folk say Aliens are rubbish so we will put the risk at 1%

7      Finally there are folk who are convinced the End of the World will be Zombies. Yes I know it is very unlikely and people say these are mad folk with loony ideas, but just in case I think we can assess the risk at a very low 0.1% (even the strangest theories can sometimes occur.

Now each of these risks is independent of the other so the overall risk that one of them may occur is 50+25+15+5+4+1+0.1 which equals 100.1%

In other words using good scientific principles rather than some crackpot idea we can say with some certainty that the risk that the End of the World will occur in 2015 is 100.1%

AH DAMN 

How easy is it to hide a body in the attic. The Big Questions Answered

As some of you know I am in the process of writing another short alternative Harry Potter Story (which is not going well either, the agony of being a failed writer is agonizing).  Anyway tonight we are having a little break to deal with one of those Big Questions that I think people actually prefer me to write about.  Therefore tonight’s Big Question is. . . . . . . . . . How easy is it to hide a body in the attic. . . . . .  OK I can hear the sound of silence as you all go WHAT and it is true it is not the sort of question most of us ask that often but when you do ask it, it’s a Big Question and you need answers fast. And I do have a reason for dealing with this tonight.

You see after a life of not having to consider this question at all, like the old saying about busses turning up on mass, I have had to deal with two of them tonight so I thought I should deal with the question while the issues are still fresh in my mind. Firstly and this is quite important as I don’t want folk to rush off and phone the police saying quick go to that Rob Z Tobor’s house he has an attic full of bodies….. Even if you see it as a cunning way to stop me writing reams of total rubbish about stuff or bad Harry Potter stories. The fact is I have not been killing folk off (honest) what I have been doing is putting two rolls of the old rubber carpet underlay up in the attic and they are sort of body sized and about the same weight and flop about a bit like a body.

So exactly what are the main problems with this. Well it’s not easy because any attic that you can hide bodies in is also one that is not easy to get into. Ours has one of the attic ladders which is OK unless you are trying to carry a large floppy-ish item up it and through a smallish hatch in the ceiling. Ours also does not have boards over its entire area and it would not do to fall through the ceiling clutching a body as the ambulance chaps might be suspicious when you say Uncle George sort of rolled himself up in a carpet you had handy in the garage.  Here in Britain may attics do not have lights in either (luckily ours does) but stumbling about in the dark with your friend draped over your shoulder while holding a torch balancing on 4 inch rafters is far from easy.

So in hindsight all I can say is you might be better to hide the body under the patio. Only as we all know this is the first thing the police dig up and if they don’t if you ever sell the house the new owners will do it just in case you hid a body under there and they are worried about the rumour of Zombies in the neighbourhood. One further point is if you wish to keep your carpet underlay for future use then do not bury it under the patio is has a habit of rotting and going mouldy. Something that you might consider a bonus if it was a body.   

The Big Questions I Can't Answer (or a Quiz Night)

I am off at a quiz night tonight to very possibly be asked to answer questions, as that is the general nature of quiz nights. I am not a silly unknowledgeable chap, however I am not good at answering questions at random out of the blue, it is not what I do.  Also Quiz nights tend to have questions about popular television, I do not know much about popular television except most of it is rubbish and my poor old brain is confused by the fact it is popular. Quiz nights also have questions about sport and football, a game involving a round ball and played by chaps from abroad who earn huge amounts of money; one of whom once said something about Seagulls. . .  And popular music is in general another subject that tends to crop up at such events. . . I am also not good at popular music which these days seems to involve boy bands and folk who have won TV talent shows . . .  I have decided to answer all these particular questions with either  . . . Tiny Tim or Country Joe and the Fish . . . that way I stand a small chance of getting one question right.

The good news is this quiz night is to be held of Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café, the home of the greatest food in the world and at midpoint in the proceeding we all stop for chicken pie and chips unless you are a veggie in which case it’s the veggie option. This makes the humiliation of being last by several hundred points behind a mad old granny and her team of cats acceptable.  Sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do in order to consume the delights of great pies.

Of course this years blog theme which I keep departing from on an almost daily basis is The Big Questions, so it is more than a little ironic that I will be sitting blank faced, drinking orange juice shouting TINY TIM TINY TIM TINY TIM at my fellow team mates as they ponder on the question  . . . . Who was the last Governor-General of the Belgian Congo? and for a bonus point what was the name of his dog . . . . While they try and think if Baron Théophile Wahis was the last one or not because he was not that keen on dogs only to find out after that rather ironically (there will be much irony) he did have a small dog called Tiny Tim. . . . .  At which point I will look smug and nod with a knowing nod.  As I have said Tiny Tim must be the answer to something. I have a feeling he sang a cover of that famous Charles Dickens song . . .  Santa in Red. . . .  

The Predictability of our own Future, Fate and other Things . . . . . The Big Question

I was quietly minding my own business as I do When I was asked Are you the chap who answers those Big Questions and my answer was Maybe or Maybe not Why and they said well I was wondering about stuff, sort of what's it all about How come I'M here now and not sat on a hot beach, just how do we end up being us and STUFF.

Don’t you just hate it when strangers ask you questions like that but to be fair they do have a point because what we are and what we do are rather fragile things indeed. Many of us may think we are in control of our destiny but are we.  Starting back at the beginning we are born, a genetic throw of the dice by two people who may or may not have plans to produce children. And once in the world we are in the hands of others who may or may not help kick start us on our way to fame fortune and adventure. Here in the West we have the advantage of school, but a personality clash with a teacher or another pupil or any number of things can change what we learn and what qualifications we get. Which in turn can send us on any number of unknown options and lock us out of many many more.  What we do can depend on if we live in a town or in the country and that can be down to family and all sorts of things.

So at what point do we finally get to take total control of our destiny, well I’m afraid we never really do. It may appear that some do but the fact is even those right at the top are there due to thousands if not millions of interlinked events that have created the world around us.  Some of these events are things done by others, some are things that happen by accidents of fate, like winning the lottery, meeting someone in a shop or café or the zoo.

Of course we can do some things to steer our lives in the general direction we wish to go and sometimes it can work out as planned a bit like leaping about in front of the very nice Steven Spielberg’s bedroom window naked shouting Hello Handsome . . . Although sometimes these little things we do to steer our lives in the direction we wish to go have unforeseen side effects that lead down new unpredicted paths. Such as running down a road naked pursued by large dogs and several police cars, leading to the theft a bicycle which by a stroke of luck has a friend of Mr Jones the Alien Hunter in the basket and for twenty five pounds and the use of a mobile makes the bike fly over a small forest to safety.   Strangely national governments try and do stuff to steer things in the direction they wish things to go and have very similar problems, but are seldom saved by aliens on bicycles who are friends of Mr Jones.

So just remember we all start equal for about 10 seconds then it is 85% luck and 15% our own efforts, so be as nice as you can to everyone because who is to say that but for the hand of  fate you could be them and they could be you. 

What is the Future of the Car . . The Big Question

It has been some time since I tackled one of those big questions that I am obliged to answer by my sponsors, yes the world of the profession blogger is a right old game. I was thinking of starting another interesting tale of Master Higgs, Alice and Harry Potter but it will have to wait (involving a certain Penguin). 

You see today we are asking the question  . . . . .  What is the Future of the Car  . . . .  Well that is a big question because we all know one thing for sure and that is we can't keep building them and using them as we presently do. Even though most of us would like to keep them and use them as we presently do; causing a right old conflict between Environmental issues, sustainability and the way we live. 

Now everyone knows that most cars need oil, it’s what makes them run, we also know oil is a limited resource and if cars are going to remain everyday transport for the masses we need alternatives. Well the first of these is the Electric Car but it still has major issues and although there are Hybrid options available there are big issues with the lot. One being the hybrid cars still fundamentally rely on the oil and another being that they might seem more environmentally friendly, but they are not. The resources used to make the batteries are limited and all sorts of chemicals are involved and stuff is shifted all over the world in ships and lorry’s that use oil. So Electric cars are not Eco friendly even if folk tell you they are…. NO it’s true they are Eco-Rubbish .

AH DAMN I hear you all say but all is not yet lost there is the fuel cell which is sort of like a battery and produces electricity to power an electric car and I have a theory that the future could be a chemically powered car. There are many chemical reactions that produce loads of energy. Reactions similar to sticking polo mints or something similar in a bottle of Coca Cola which can cause a fairly interesting reaction (do not try at home or in the home). The point being chemistry could be used to produce energy from more sources than the traditional oil based ones to power either electric or combustion engines or even to create heat to power steam engines. I rather fancy driving a chemically powered steam car.

Of course lifestyle is another big issue with cars, I'm sure I can not be the only person who has found themselves stuck in a motorway traffic jam due to roadworks and noticed the thousands of cars heading in the opposite direction to the thousands of cars heading the same way as me. Surely there is something wrong in this because if all those folk heading the other way did the stuff myself and all those others stuck with me had to do. We could do what they need to do and no one would actually need to go anywhere. You see the big issue with personal transport as in cars, is we adapt our lifestyle to the fact we can travel all over the place rather than to more sensibly option of living within the area we can walkabout in. Unfortunately in the decadent west most of us are now locked into a way of life that needs personal transport to function. Which just goes to show what a big question tonight’s big question . . . .  What is the Future of the Car  . . . .  really is.  Unfortunately the answer is not in my hands but in the hands of politicians and governments so I don't expect things to end well.     

Why do we never seem to have enough time in the day. . . . The Big Question.

How come we never seem to have enough time to do stuff? Yes I think this is a Big Question for many of us.  OK I may be a bit disorganised at getting stuff done and I guess that can't help one bit, but the fact is even organized folk will often say things like I have all this stuff to do and I just DON'T seem to have the time.  As far as I can tell this is definitely a problem of us decedent imperialist westerners because if you watch things on the TV where some celeb is trekking through the wilds in some exotic country they often seem to pass folk sat at the side of the road looking chilled and saying things like . . . . . .  OOOoooo look its him off the tele the chap with the parrot and the ray gun who travels through time in that ICE CREAM van eating jellied eels. . . . .  They seem to be able to sit for days on end, just sitting and being chilled as they watch the world pass by.

But how come we can’t sit about it must be due to the way we live and think. I have realized for a long time now I think I can do more than I can, and by that I mean I often think stuff like . . .  if I cut this old bicycle up and weld the engine of this knackered mower to this I beam and use the gearbox from a Model T ford to fix a Box Brownie to the Grizolme Bevel thrust plate I can toast bread rolls. . . .  The truth is I don't have the time and by adding such ideas to the other ideas already on the list of stuff that needs to be done it results in overload as the list also contains stuff like remove wallpaper from old office walls, remove old office walls, cut grass, plant grass, feed cats, chase seagulls, wash hair, stick mancky clothes in big pile in dark corner of room.

I know this is normal most people have exactly the same issue I often stop people in the street and ask them if they are busy and they always say Yes I’m off to find a  Grizolme Bevel thrust plate.   OK the men say stuff like that for reasons I may discuss another time, women seldom have any interest in Grizolme Bevel thrust plates   but none the less seem very busy.   They often say they are so busy because their partner is doing something stupid with an old bicycle and the lawn mower and someone has to sort the house out, pay the bills and go to work and cook dinner.

Anyway I have to say this is probably the hardest question to date I have dealt with so I need a break and have a round metal thing I might put pointy bits on so I can hang it from a tree to attract Woodpeckers to scare off the Zombies. All we can do is prioritize stuff so that’s it I'm off to hunt for that round metal thing right now.

Ooooooooo look a Seagull.    

Are you going to meet an Alien. . . The Big Question Answered.

It is time to tackle one of those big questions which I now do as part of my life as a Professional Blogger. It a grand life being a Professional Blogger now that the money is starting to roll in, it’s a bit of a surprise and beats working for a living. I did not realise my fellow bloggers were on to such a good thing. . . . . .

Anyway I had a thought the other day; I have yet to meet an Alien as in a real one. Yes I know Mr Jones has met loads but I think he tends to think anything that moves in the woods at night is an Alien particularly if it’s tall silver and has flashing lights and a death ray.  But the reality is most rational folk don’t see Aliens, and one needs to ask the big question WHY?

The first question we need to ask is are there Aliens out there in the vast voids of space that are intelligent enough to make spacecraft and therefore give us a fighting chance of bumping into one another. Well Yes there are loads of them, however there are other issues involved that make what should be a reasonable thing to happen, actually happen. Two great civilizations from different planets meeting shaking hands, legs or tentacles and then attempting to kill one another (its what intelligent life sort of does).  

So why has it not happened and the incredibly boring answer is pure and simply down to maths, physics and distance.  The Universe is big very very big. We as in planet Earth are out on the outskirts of it in a rather boring bit of the Milky Way which in itself is not that exciting. The Milky Way being just another Galaxy among millions of the things. If each Galaxy contained just one super intelligent lifeform there would be millions and yet the chances of meeting are as good as Zero.

There is yet another issue time (you know what I said about time) well the Universe is said to be 13.8 plus billion years old so far and let’s say has at least another 1000 billion years to go before you know what happens. . . . . . YICKS.  So the odds of two intelligent lifeforms turning up at the same time on different planets close enough for them to meet are so remote that we can say it amounts to Zero. So we now have Zero times Zero chance of meeting an Alien.

And its gets worse because the distances involved mean that even travelling at the speed of light it would take longer that any sort of Alien is likely to live. This is not helped by the fact that a spacecraft could not travel at the speed of light or even remotely close because space is full of dust and stuff. And at those sorts of speed one tiny grain of dust would destroy the spacecraft.  So the chances of an Alien lifeform making a suitable spacecraft are almost Zero. . . So Zero times Zero times Zero . . . .  In other words Mr Jones’s Tall Silvery creature with wings, flashing lights and a death ray is not an Alien but something else.  

Ooooo I worked out how the Earth will be destroyed the other day. That is I thought of the idea the other day not that Earth was destroyed the other day.          

Llandudno. The Zombie Seagulls and The George Hotel

I have returned (OK yesterday afternoon) from my expedition North by what some would say was the pretty route or as the more rational among us like to call it, the long way. So where did we venture in our search for the source of the large great thing that folk have not found the source of yet. Well Llandudno a place where explorers seldom go hunting for things, which logically makes it a prime target to explore, logic dictates that you are more likely to find new things in a place where no one has looked for them. And it is plainly very clear that it has been some time since man looked for new things in Llandudno. 

Our first new discovery was a new breed of seabird; it was a seagull, not just any seagull though but one with very specific eating habits. It hammered away on windows until it was given Ginger Nuts which then appeased the ravenous beast who flew off only to return the following day at the same time.  We have officially named the new breed of bird Seagullious Gingernutium Esmeralda after Esmeralda as it was a fearsome and scary beast that given half a chance would bite half your arm off, and it shouted a lot.  We assume that it might be worshiped by the local Llandudnoians as we did notice they sold three Zombie Gingerbread Men for a pound and had many images of Zombies in Shop Windows.

Our search for the source of the large great thing did not go well until the second evening when a huge ship was hauled through town on a big caterpillar tracked device accompanied by men in orange seafaring equipment. We would not have noticed had it not been for the fact that all the buildings shook and there was a loud low rumbling that sent little old ladies scampering in all directions for cover. There are many little old ladies in Llandudno.

Having concluded that this strange ritual must be connected to our search we set off the following morning in our final bid for glory after a hearty breakfast at base camp (the George Hotel . . . Well Posh) following in the tracks (in more ways than one) of the huge ship. As we did we noticed many little old ladies heading towards M&S and discretely followed as they looked like they could be heading towards the source of the thing we were seeking and interestingly none of the windows  of M&S were full of zombies or skeletons which was suspicious. As we followed this lost tribe of little old ladies up the escalator to the first floor they spoke in a strange tongue, some sort of strange Welsh language.

Following them through the 50% sale rails and towards the café we suddenly found ourselves in a clearing and at the elusive Source of the Aisle. We cheered and raised our flag, a skull and crossbones purchased in a local shop and made of genuine plastic. Our mission complete we returned to base camp and ate afternoon cream tea and watched Zombie Seagulls pecking at the heads of passing joggers on the promenade. It’s their own fault there are signs saying beware of the seagulls.

This is very funny indeed if you have not seen it.