Harry Houdini, Harry Potter and a question. . . Is JK Rowling an Alien

It is clear that folk do like a bit of escapism, not as in Harry Houdini the escapologist but as in Harry Potter and his ordeal with the forces of evil.  I mean if you think the big two films of the moment appear to be Star Wars and Star Trek and there is much excitement at the short taster of Strange Beasts and where to find them . . . the next almost Harry Potter film. I say almost because I don’t think he is in it, it is not like the Hitchcock films where he sneaks in as a bit part and maybe says Expelium acrowfly at a passing crow turning it into a cheesecake. (WHAT?)

Anyway the point I am getting too in my long winded way (a cunning plan to make my diary look dead interesting) is that magic and sci-fi, aliens and ghosties and other strange beasts have a massive following among the masses in their various formats. And the reason for this is the desire we all have to think there is more to life the universe and stuff than just poking at wasp’s nests with a pointy stick and smiling at cats. In case you are worried there may not be, its OK there is; I know for certain but it’s too long a story to explain why.  But as I say folk need interesting tales and have done for thousands of years, and this sort of led me to a thought, one that those of you of a strong religious belief in any particular faith may disapprove of. I will not be religion specific because different faiths have different beliefs and different holy books.

And here we are getting to the point of all this; could it be that books like the bible are in fact the ancient equivalent of Star Wars or Harry Potter. . . . OK I can see that at least one person is not happy, but it could be there are loads of dodgy holy books that have caused all sorts of issues over time because of mankind’s desire to belief in alien’s magic and strange beasts and the like. And they all do that good fighting evil stuff, I mean who is the most likely chap to see a strange light (or alien Spacecraft) to follow in the sky . . . a shepherd. . .  

And if Aliens beasts and Magic were in the mind of man a few thousand years ago man needs to ask why, could it be that aliens arrived thousands of years earlier and have assimilated themselves into the very fabric of mankind. Is it possible that I am the last real human. . . . . Look I know I’m a human because aliens would not type as badly as I do and come up with preposterously loony ideas that are not only very plausible but probably right. Maybe all the Magic and monsters are red herrings so to speak (If you don’t understand what a red herring is and think it’s a fish then you are an alien for sure), or maybe these are skills from those early aliens which are now lost. 

You see one thing I have discovered is that if you tell it like it is, as I do in my blog then no one will read it. This can only be because there is a conspiracy by alien wizards and space bears to suppress the truth as told my me. . . . .  it would also explain the popularity of Star Wars and Harry Potter. I know it means JK Rowling might be an alien, she does have very high hedges around her garden that could hide a spacecraft and I have never been invited to visit. 

So if you are an alien and would like to explain what your plans are then I suggest that you. . . . . . . . . . Take Me to Your Leader. . . .

And I know the Royal Family are all aliens with their secret hand signs as they pretend to wave at the public. 

The Tower, the Wizards and the Peasant Girl . . starring a Master Voldemort as special guest

My page views have dropped like a stone falling off a tall tower in the last couple of days and that has given me an idea so here goes. I don’t know where it will all end but Tally Ho lets start writing

A tale of Wizards and why one of them got very grumpy.

Well as we all know the most prestigious Wizard school in all the kingdom is the Charmspells Academy for Young Wizards, not that other one that folk go on about. But to get into Charmspells each of the young wizards has to pass a test, if they fail they are  sent off to that other rather more well know Wizard school. Each year a different person is chosen to set that years test by the ancient Speaking Stones of Wisdom in the Fabled Forest of Eternal Whispers. A place where even wizards eventually go mad from all the eternal whispering.  Each year the  Speaking Stones of Wisdom would announce the name of a grand wizard or legendary witch or warlock to set the challenge for the young hopefuls.

But then one year the Speaking Stones of Wisdom  said Vanilla Pickcall . . . . . Well no one knew who Vanilla Pickcall was and the kingdom was searched high and low until a young peasant girl was found working as a servant in the Tower of Diversity beyond the Hills of Echo. It was very confusing but the ancient Speaking Stones of Wisdom had spoken and so it was that young Vanilla was given the task of setting the test.

She set the test at the top of the Tower of Diversity which against one of its walls was the Forest of Eternal Whispers, against the second wall was The Sea of Mysteries, against the third was the Quick Sands of Illusion and against its forth was a long lawn and the path to the tower. The task the young wizards had to perform was to throw a pebble from the top of the tower, collect it and return to the top of the tower in only 10 minutes. The Young wizards were all allowed to climb the tower to study it first before they had to return one at a time to perform the task.

Well young wizards can be rather precocious and the worst of these was a young wizard called Master Voldemort and he turned his pebble into a frog then back into a pebble and then made it hover high above his head. He and his friends thought the test was foolish and simple and paid no attention at the top of the tower and called Vanilla the young servant a fool. Only a Miss Watson and a Master Black appeared to study the top of the tower worried that it all looked too simple.

After the young wizards once again reached the base of the tower each in turn was allowed to return to the top of the tower but once there the sky was black and it was impossible to tell which side was which. You see Vanilla had asked the grand wizard who owned the tower to turn the sky black which meant only those who had looked with care at the tower and listened to the noises of the forest, the sea and the quick sands would know the safest place to throw their pebble.  And so it was that Miss Watson and a Master Black who had studied to the surrounding noises knew where to throw their pebbles to be able to recover them quickly, returning to the top of the tower, and so passing the test.

One by one the other young wizards failed as they threw their pebbles into the quick sand, the sea or the forest meaning they were unable to find them.  Finally young Master Voldemort took his turn and attempted to use all the magic he knew to see through the blackness but it was to no avail. As time was running out, in anger he threw his pebble into the dark void. As he listened he heard it bounce on the path of the lawn safely below and he rushed to collect it, but arrived two seconds too late back at the top and so was told he could not go to the prestigious  Charmspells Academy for Young Wizards and would have to go to the other one. He was furious to be beaten by a young servant girl and charged into the Forest of Eternal Whispers to complain to the Speaking Stones of Wisdom themselves, who he blamed for this. But he got lost for several weeks and when he finally returned was not the same ever again, because as we know the Forest of Eternal Whispers will turn even the hardiest of wizards completely mad.

But he did go on to make a bit of a name for himself before finally having his entire plans ruined by another young wizard who had also failed the same test many years later.  

           

The Magic of Light

Behold the Opto-Mystic 

The Return of the Curse of Harry Potter, Fantastic Beasts and Steven Spielberg and me

I noticed on the news last night that both Twitter and the Post Office seem to have decided to sell shares on the stock market, it somewhat amused me because it is a bit of a clash of technologies and philosophy. But I guess at the end of the day folk will rush out and buy which ever shares they think are the most likely to make loads of money, which in my humble opinion is neither . . . .  I guess that is not what they want to hear, but you would be far better investing in a rather strange film about a young slightly eccentric chap.

Which brings me to more shock news . . . . . . I also heard (rather ironically on Twitter) that there are plans to make a Harry Potter spin off film called something like Fantastic Beasts. I was in shock at first, I thought I had seen the last of Mr Harry Potter and His Wizard ways, sniggering at my humble steam powered spell machine. Just because if vibrated off the shelf and created its own hole in the floor to fall through before smashing to bits 15 floors lower when the boiler cooled down due to the air rushing past it as it fell. Him and all his Robsanidiotiosum Hahahaexplodious Excelentamusediam, Luckily it appears he will not be in the new film (O DEAR . . . . . . .HHAH HAHAH Hah hah ah hah ahha hhah ha ha ha ha hah ha ), poor old Harry. However,  I feel I have some good beasts right here in my own blog, what with Micro Gods and critters like the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, The Banshees and the Lemmings of Petrograd.

If the nice Steven Spielberg had started making Rob Z Tobor the movie when I suggested we would have loads of beasts that are even better.  Still what can I say this is the way of the world for us simple ordinary folk living in the hills of the English Welsh borders, I bet I would not have this problem in Hollywood or Skegness…..

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them  . . . . ..  Really, I think the answer is OVER HERE . . . . .. . . . . Mum said I am an IDIOT

Anyway I have told all the pupils in School to keep an eye out (no it’s purely a silly saying I have not told them to remove their eye, this is not Hogwarts) for folk on broom sticks, and if they do see any to test their Zombie Defence Skills with their pointy Sticks. Talking of which I can say that they are rather effective on Media Studies teachers, although it turns out the Media Studies teacher is not a Zombie. This was finally proved by Esmeralda after some vigorous interrogation which Sir Alec Guinness in Tinker Tailor Teacher Spy would be proud of which is rather ironic bearing in mind it’s the Media Studies teacher.

Ooooooo The Monty Cardboard Robot Club have started to make a rocket……..WELL COOL.

And it rained today….

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The spy, the magic candle, and a dog with three heads

Last night I mentioned that we had to drop off secret notes for Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy and leaper about to bouncy music, this was achieved despite all the wind and rain again, why does it keep doing this it is very very annoying.  There was much whispering and pointing by mum and Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy, then Miss Fionaski came and gave me a candle and I thought O OK COOL?  But I was told it was a magic candle, I have to admit I am always slightly sceptical of magic because of that Harry Potter, after we sort of fell out and he shouted stuff like annoyzizapptimus robbiosa and said I would turn into a mad grumpy compulsive scruffy bitter old blogger who spends his entire time writing total nonsense, misspelling and complaining about the weather all the time, and end up with the worst ghost writer in the world.  Well then Mr Harry Potter, you see I told you your spells are rubbish and all that magic was the figment of a deranged mind. Me and the very nice Steven Spielberg will laugh in the face of your deluded ideas of magic.

Anyway I was talking about a candle; because it was given to me by Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy who said it was magic I thought I better light it today because she would not say such a thing without a reason. And it has turned out to be magic after all well either that or it is an elaborate cunning spy device, because it glows and changes colour when it is lit . . . ..  WELL COOL.

At school I told Esmeralda about the magic candle or possible secret spy device but she was not paying that much attention because she had found lasts years physics A level project and was messing about with it. It is an Invisibility Cloak, you see that Happy Potter has a lot to answer for, anyway Esmeralda told me and Freddie and his ferret that she had been to the main hall, and in it was a huge dog with three heads talking to the headmaster. Mmmmmmmmmm I was rather sceptical about this as well, but Esmeralda is not one with a wild imagination she is more just wild so me and Freddie decided that we should investigate because as we all know all things are possible. Yes I know it is a well known saying and is just not true I have tried to eat a large tub of ice cream in three seconds several times and I know for certain it is not possible.

As we sneaked into the back of the main hall Freddie and myself looked at one another because there in the middle of the hall was a dog with three heads and the headmaster talking. Now when I say a dog with three heads it was the three headmasters from the local schools and the headmasters Pekinese, unfortunately we were spotted and asked what we were doing, Freddie has always said it is best to tell the truth so we said we were looking for a dog with three heads but the headmaster said we were IDIOTS and told us to write out one hundred times dogs do not have three heads.  Me and Freddie could hear Esmeralda laughing hysterically under an invisibility cloak until Freddie’s ferret bit her finger, apparently one of the faults of last years A level project is it is not invisible to ferrets, and it also turns the wearer bright green for several days after use. Me and Freddie did a runner after we told Esmeralda that but no one laughed on the bus home (much).  

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The Magic Beans and other tales

A few days ago, I don’t remember exactly when, I did try looking back to see exactly when; but one of the draw backs of possibly writing a bit too much is that when you wish to pin something down you find that you need to read a lot of other stuff too. One thing I am not a great fan of is reading even if it is reading my own diary, thus all the errors and the like; anyway as I was saying a few days ago I discovered some peanuts that had germinated outside by the bird table and thought I would bring them in, put then in a pot and attempt to grow my own peanuts (OK the UK is not the best place to do this). What I have discovered is that the peanuts appear not to be peanuts, they looked like peanuts to me and were in birds peanut food but what is growing in the pot is not peanuts. I am not an expert on what a peanut plant looks like but my mate Mr Google says that what I am growing is in fact Magic Beans . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

I’m sure a lot of you will think Magic Beans Ooooooooo Goody but no I have been (Been – Bean . . .AH HAH HHAH HAH HAHAHH HAH HA HAH HAH HAHH AH hahah) researching magic beans since I discovered this and all I can say they only bring trouble of one sort or another. So now what do I do; I feel I cant let the Magic Beans die, after all they have battled a long battle to get from being germinated as a flower on a bean stalk many hundreds of years ago, though drying out in the hot sun of 1001 Arabian Nights to being exchanged for cows to finally being thrown into a big bag of bird food.  So I now have to let them grow up into the sky where I will no doubt get complaints from the gliders that get released over our house in the summer, gliders and giant bean stalks are not very compatible.  Then I will have all sort of giants, monsters, huge mutant green fly and various other issues to deal with, when all I was after was a few peanuts and on top of all that I don’t have a clue what type of Magic Bean they are yet. The dog says they are almost genetically modified Magic Beans and will eat humans that fall into the huge flower heads desolving them slowly in some horrible acid found deep within the slippery insides of the flower head.

So there you have it even Miss Issy who came to visit said AH Magic Beans, is that the time I better go but was very kind and gave me some peanut brittle (I can’t grow peanut brittle)

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