The Death of Harry the Cat

Last time I wrote something I mentioned that Harry the Cat was very poorly. Well sadly he had to go off to the vets on Monday for a one way trip to see the Big Cat God in the Sky. It was sad but the vets we use have this amazing vet from the US called Geoff and so Harry had a very chilled time and was very relaxed in his last moments alive. The thing that finally made us take this path was that Harry had basically run out of steam, he could hardly walk and although managing to eat small amounts of food and his beloved Squirty Cream he was struggling. And I guess as pet owners most of our lives we kind of knew poor old Harry had reached that point.

But over the fifteen years we owned Harry (I say owned, he was a cat) I can safely say he has been the most aggressive, demanding and cantankerous cat we have ever had. In his heyday he would attack the public passing the house, chase dogs regardless of size or breed, destroy furniture and clothing.  And scare the vets. Much of his life he had issues with eating large meals so ate small amounts between 5 and 8 times a day and hated having to wait. Our other cat Sooty is a lot smaller and agile and so would spend many hours on worktops or in trees or hiding in the garden while Harry patrolled his domain growling sometimes at nothing.

During Harry’s last week Sooty had also stopped eating, but after we buried Harry on Monday evening Sooty has been fine. We still don’t see him much he is an outdoor cat and spends many an hour or two in the field next to us hunting mice. Harry was a great hunter but is was a case of catch kill and eat. Sooty seems far more interested in the chase and once he catches something tends to get bored and wanders off so most of his catches get to escape to tell their mates to avoid the black cat.

Well that’s about it for today. So Farewell Harry you were certainly a cat with character who folk turned their back on at their own risk.

Harry the Cat (also known as Heavy Harry)

The Ups and Downs of Life, and the Capacity of the Brain

As you know over the last few days I have done this and that and also moved stuff here and there, all very good but it appears I have tweaked my back now and so it is rather sore and so I cant do triple somersaults on the high wire while riding a unicycle and juggling burning torches. As it happens I could not do them before but my brain would tell me that I could very easily if I so chose to do so, brains are like that always convinced that the body they are attached to is better than it is. In fact I think it would not be unreadable to say the greatest cause of accidents today is brains thinking beyond the capability of the body.

Even I have fallen fowl of this in the past by moving a washing machine/drier single handed into a cellar and then realizing once it was over the first step that just maybe it was rather heavy to move on your own down a steep set of steps. However as I was on my own at the time my brain had to convince my body that it was possible, and so no harm was done once the builders invisibly mended the hole in the wall.

What a rotten day it has been today just like last summer with rain and wind and flooded roads, there is nothing quite like a British summer they are more fickle that the ficklest fickle thing you could think of. . . . . . . . . Talking of which.

The Ghost Writer was in his office today and it appears news is starting to emerge of what will be happening now that all the funding for the office he works in has gone. It appears the office might well go although he says he will almost certainly be told he has to move all the IT stuff (there is loads of it) to another office already full of stuff, It is strange that no stuff comes along for ages and then all of a sudden there is stuff everywhere but not necessarily in the right place. He also has a back problem now and the prospect of moving mountains of IT equipment let alone rewire it all up is something he is not looking forward too. But it also appears that his work colleagues who do other non IT stuff are loosing loads of working hours so things are going to be a bit tough for some of them, not what you want when the weather is so rotten, or someone accidentally drops a washing machine through your wall.

Ooooooo yes the cat is feeling better but he has been out in the rain

And finally here on the blog I must add a big thank you to The Woven Tale Press A-Z Special Edition folk for using a letter from my own A to Z, it is good to be included as one of the twenty six posts out of all the hundreds they could have picked particularly when I am a rather grumpy sole. So why not have a little peek it looks rather good although the drawing on the letter V is rubbish .. . .. . .. . . … . Just click on the pic.

The Art of Sarcasm, Loosing Ones Mojo . . . . . And Wasps

As I said yesterday I have lost my wit and humour, folk have tried to reassure me that I am still witty and write in a way that only I can write (well me and the Ghost Writer) due to a unique skill in being able to string total rubbish together in such a way that as a whole it is total rubbish (the whole greater that the parts so to speak). I know that’s true,, that very nice Steven Spielberg has told me many times that he finds it hard to believe anyone could write such total rubbish. It is words like that that make me realize I am indeed unique and thanks to such encouragement I will persevere with my tale (not tail as I don’t have one of those).

It was a strange morning because I woke up to grey skies and the wind blowing all the blossom off the tree in the front garden, that and the as yet still small young leaves on the trees made it look and feel just like autumn. I told everyone in school it was autumn and that summer is now over, and one or two folk thought this was slightly amusing, this I put down to the possible sarcasm of the remark, so I pursued  this idea further as a way of recovering my mojo (wit). So I explained that summer really was over (enforcing the sarcasm) and that their lives were entirely futile and that in the great scheme of things they are meanly ants, small insignificant ants. I appeared to get a bit of nervous laughter from one or two pupils so thought I would push the point a bit further, so having told most of the girls they were merely girls destined for a life of drudgery, babies and fighting in the aisles of the supermarket, while there partners get drunk in the pub and fight and get locked in a cell for the evening. I thought I would go for the jugular and told the headmaster he was rubbish and that his sense of dress was worse that that of a Japanese Elvis impersonator wearing a giraffe outfit and a straw hat.

It appears sarcasm is trickier that I thought as I spent much of the day tied to a tree covered in honey below a wasps nest with a tub of itching power poured on my head. It is a difficult decision between staying perfectly still and not being stung or having a good scratch and getting attacked by wasps. I don’t think telling the wasps they were rubbish and had a pathetic buzz that was not worthy of grannies door bell with flat batteries fitted helped much,  apparently wasps don’t do sarcasm and have no sense of humour what so ever.

I noticed that on my return home Sooty the Cat was practising sarcasm by lying perfectly still on the bed and not being stung by wasps.

Mum said I am an IDIOT, but agreed about the headmasters dress sense.

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Professor Frankenstein’s Monster, Jimmy Savile and Zombie Cats

As many of you (in Britain at least) will know if you listen to a wireless or watch a television set there has been much talk of  the man who is now the most hated man in Britain, no not a politician not even one of the leaders of the various parties but Jimmy Saville. For various reasons including good taste I have avoided any mention of the man in my diary but something was said on the wireless earlier that made me think I should make a comment.

You see they said on the news program that the police were looking into various scenarios and options in order to make an arrest in the Jimmy Savile case. I have to admit I am not sure of the precise words; I have sort of switched off about this story because it appears to revolve more round the BBC than the victims, and I think everyone should just accept the BBC is just another victim, even if as a result most of the other victims then suffered.

However the thought now that somehow the police might be looking into a way of digging Mr Savile up and reviving him in a sort of  Perry Mason or maybe Starsky and Hutch meets Professor Frankenstein’s Monster sort of way; made me think hello what’s going on now then. 

 

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I am not entirely convinced that a decomposing Zombie Jimmy Savile in the dock will exactly help the situation and a life sentence may be difficult to uphold if he is one of the walking dead. After all if you are the walking dead just how long is a life sentence?

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I have just had a substantial break from writing my diary because Sooty the cat arrived in the house looking like a drowned rat that had been rolled in cow muck, maybe he fell into the fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence . So he was not nice and he smelt worse than he looked. In fact the ironic thing about this is he looked and smelt just like a zombie cat or what one would assume a zombie cat or even a zombie Jimmy Savile would look and smell like. So we have all been doing battle with the cat in the shower, he is not a cat that likes showers and bearing in mind he has just returned from a fate worse than death involving water (and cow poo) the shower was not where he wanted to be, or me.

He is clean now well I hope so, or as clean as you can get a cat that is panicking and has all his claws on red alert, and so I have returned to my diary. Heavy Harry the Cat who was looking fairly chilled and resting in the office has taken one look at Sooty the Cat and has done a runner it appears that cats are also worried about Zombies too, in particular Zombie Cats.

Still if the Zombie Jimmy Savile is locked away for all eternity the one concession he might be allowed is a zombie cat as company.

Sorry I have not got round to telling you exactly what happened today but I will say the Ghost Writer was grumpy after an emergency IT call out . . . . .   

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The chipped cat and the orange room

The weather today was like Jekyll & Hyde, one moment the sun would be shining and the birds singing it was warm and all was well with the world then the next it was all hell let loose on the world. The wind would blow and big dark clouds would turn up and throw huge amounts of rain in our face, a bit like the bully at the beach kicking sand in our face (only it was rain).

This made plans very difficult although the first job today was too take Sooty the Cat to the vet it appears he may have been chipped with a faulty chip. That’s technology for you it all looks great until it is stuck inside a cat. Or in dad’s weather machines case until a cat is stuck inside the technology.  So Sooty the Cat (he’s Black by the way) had to be scanned. A bit like  a tub of ice cream in the supermarket; to ensure that he is not a tub of ice cream from the supermarket, but Sooty the Cat (a Black cat), luckily he is, and we all went home happy especially Sooty the Cat who thought if he was a tub of ice cream he would have been eaten. I think he was safe, none of us fancied cat flavoured ice cream much.

So I was back in that orange room yet again today doing things. I suspect some of you are wondering what is the orange room for, why would the Eccentric Child of Cyberspace be spending all his time in an orange room, moving stuff making desks and shelves, and generally turning his diary into a huge tale of screw drivers and wood saws. Well there are reasons, I have taken a little photograph of what is a clue, that’s clue not glue, although I did use a lot of wood glue today, plus some screws and a hammer, several screwdrivers and although I prefer not to admit it, a spirit level. I appear to have lost the knack of knowing what is level or square by doing it by eye, it may be down to the vary focal glasses these days and being as blind as a bat (the flying beasts not the cricket bat, although the flying beasts eat crickets and cricket bats cant see either).

I am at present helping the Ghost Writer do some stuff with computers that he needs to do before he goes to work tomorrow and is taking him much longer than he thought due to a dodgy USB memory stick. So to help I have used the wood glue to stick it in; that should help loads…….. …….. …….. …….. …….. …….AH apparently not…… DAMN. Mum has said IDIOT

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The UK heat wave and the the occupational hazards of Physics teachers

Today is even hotter than yesterday so today is very hot.  There is another preview of art at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop tonight so lots of running about by mum as she sorts this out. Napoleon Beelzebub has had a whole load of paperwork suddenly arrive from, He Who Must be Obeyed; in connection with the entire Bahrain ruling family.

Mr Beelzebub is muttering about paperwork now and complaining that the last thing he needs down in the depths of his establishment is even more leaders of non democratic countries who only complain at him about stuff. Which incidentally is not really the thing to do if you don’t want eternal damnation to get worse than it is? But as Mr Beelzebub often says POWER corrupts and that luckily I will never need to worry about that happening to me …. Phew that’s good.

Talking about power we were doing an experiment at school on power in teams, somehow I ended up in a team with Esmeralda so I let her be leader just in case. Electricity can be really interesting especially when you can get it to arc across the entire classroom from the end of a metal poker (the one I made in metalwork) to the head of the new replacement Physics supply teacher. He must have been quite impressed himself because he shouted and leapt in the air waving his arms about. Unfortunately the school had a power cut just then and the teacher must have slipped somehow because he had to go to hospital, he appeared to be a little charred but that is one of the occupational hazards of Physics teachers.

I really must try and get my poker back from Esmeralda, I have tried asking for it a couple of times now but she snarls at me. I wonder if she is related to Mr Beelzebub although he is no where near as scary as she is.

Anyway I will have to go as I need to look smart for the preview and talk posh to people and Sooty the Cat is meowing and trying to dribble into my keyboard which will do no one no good. Sooty it is one of those days.

Sorry I'm in a bit of a rush today ...................................................... Life really 




............................................................. A few hours Later

Fiona Knight                Yes it is rather barmy weather, however make the most of it as next week we shall be back into to our arctic fleeces as temperatures are really going to drop by Wednesday. Have a great evening at the preview, and keep sooty away from your posh clothes otherwise you know what your mum will say.....

I have returned from being nice to the punters and telling them that art is very important and they should buy original work from artists. After all it is one of the things that distinguishes us from other animals, well most other animals because there are several birds that like to ornate their nests. The dog says this might mean that mankind is descended from Birds, which might also account for our long term desire to fly, lets face it most animals have little or no desire to fly anywhere. The dog also thinks this may also account for the irrational flapping of arms in moments of crisis by the human race unlike dogs who hide under a table or bite something.

I think Miss Fionaski might be right about the weather because the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy machine has been muttering about the autumn storm again and saying that we should remember it is autumn and the fact it is hotter than it was in summer is just lulling us into a false sense of security. Captain Flint the parrot has just said WE ARE ALL DOOMED but mum has added IDIOT......

Mark Zuckerberg and the new Facebook. Sooty the Cat, the dog, the Ghost writer and a game of Poker

It was interesting in school we were all doing our school work and pottering about as you do taking bets on two flies walking up a window pane. Sadly the one fly had to be disqualified for being on Steroids. We told the History teacher that they really should not leave their steroids on the window sill and that a fly had been walking on them.

Then out of the blue projected onto the walls of the school class rooms we suddenly had a very nice man called Mark Zuckerberg. Well we all know who he is; he’s the Facebook man, although he is still very young and bouncy as the Ghost Writer puts it. A bit like Sooty the Cat who is lovely but drives us all mad, so they have a lot in common, although I’m sure Mr Zuckerberg does not eat eight meals a day. OK he might because we were watching him on the wall (not in person but his projected image) and he talked about food a lot at one point. Sooty the cat does that too only he goes Meeeeeeeeeeeoooowww over and over again.

Anyway he was going on about changing everything and looking at patterns in our friends. I tried to look at Esmeralda’s patterns but they just looked very scary so I pretended that I was looking at things in her ear although she still hit me with the poker (the one I made in metalwork). Mr Zuckerberg's image said we will all need to study very hard for our IT degrees or else we will not pass our Facebook entry examination…… AH. That might scupper my plans a bit, I don’t like exams much. The very nice Mr Zuckerberg also said we all love Apps. Well, that’s not true, me and the Ghost Writer for two don’t do Apps. But the dog thinks it’s all a cunning plan.

The dog recons that Mr Zuckerberg was in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop today signing a bit of paper and all this Apps stuff is so he can make loads and loads of money. Well that would be fine only he is already worth loads and loads of money; unlike me and the Ghost Writer. The dog beat us again today at poker so the dog is worth loads and loads of money until the morning when he plans to blow the lot on bones and jelly. YUK.

I seem to need more pictures too, if I use Facebook. Mr Zuckerberg had loads of them on his wall and I just have loads of words. The dog said people like pictures more that words and  a single picture can tell the story of a thousand words, so it is just as well I write as much as I do, not having many pictures.

One thing that did puzzle me while Mr Mark Zuckerberg was projected on the school walls is if he is on Facebook, then why has he not asked to be my friend as I write more than almost everyone on Facebook. Mum said IDIOT but I am not sure who she means?

Ooooo by the way I would just like to thank Mr Mark Zuckerberg for helping me on another rather quiet autumn day for news……… THANKS

the Jimi Hendrix of Djembe, the cat that does Yoga and Maths YUCK

OK it is one of those days busy busy busy as always school was full of lessons like Math’s, English, Geography, History, Yoga, Chemistry, Art and Safe Cracking although we only do safe cracking when the headmaster has forgotten the combination to the safe and we are the only class that does it because apparently we have the appropriate parents and as it happens are rather good at it.

Miss El jr appears to have not had a good return to school this year and I note she has commented that all her lessons although it may be mainly Math’s are ************** or ********* the dog said it strange that so many humans hate math’s when him a simple Latin speaking dog who uses computers, and designs complex electro-mechanical devices, and ponders time and space; does. He then went on to say that in Latin Miss El’s comment would be  ************** ***** ******* *********** ** or ************ *********** ************* ** ****** ** ********** which is why swearing in Latin has never really taken off in Britain much.   

I am off to drum tonight and make lots of noise and wave my arms about. Not everyone does that but I do more that most (arm waving) it is what they do in the very darkest and thickest un-spoilt recesses of the jungle where the neon lights of modern western society has not reached and tainted the natural process of nature and freestyle Djembe drumming. Although I must admit I have a plan to add feedback and allsorts of effects to my drumming and become the Jimi Hendrix of Djembe  

While on the subject of yoga Sooty the Cat can do yoga although he meeeooooowwwwssss all the time if if he is doing yoga or not Heavy Harry and the dog are planning to remove his Meeeeeoooooowwwwww and turn it into Violin strings.

Ok that’s it tonight I am going to go and feed Sooty the Cat now because he is going MMMMmmmmmmmmmemeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoowwww a lot Grrrrrrrrrraa 

Elaine Kerley         Good one Rob!

Fiona Knight Mission Abort! Obviously Sooty has let it slip the intensive secret training I showed him yesterday. We were working on the power of how to open a tin of cat food without the use of an opener or teeth. It was decided after a short meditation that if a high pitch note can shatter a glass then a constant meow has the power of a million oms, enough to get the tin of cat food open all by itself.

I will save these comments for the new book; the blockbuster sequel to the as yet unpublished blockbuster book. I would also like to welcome back my very good friend Captain Nessman whose place in the great master plan of mice and men continues to grow along with his own faith in the future adventures of his pirate ship and talented crew. HAR HAR

Polish Cats, Polecats, obscure film festivals and Channel Four

Sooty is so pleased to be back he is driving everyone mad still. Everyone except Heavy Harry the Cat is trying to be nice to him but it is not always easy. For example Sooty has insisted in writing something in my diary to say he is really pleased to be home so here it is ........ Fdkjwod fowofo bflblle who eur  og ;gghtewfjsdjfjfj fjggsdgjgjdjgh fish  welweeiidsflkfj j j j and affn milk.

I have told Sooty that it is not easy to read but he says it’s written in Cat. The dog recons he’s using Welsh Cat and getting mixed up with Polish Cat. Well I didn’t even know there were any Polish cats about but the dog said he was very sorry and he meant Polecat. I  am even more confused now because I don’t know if the dog means a Polish Polecat or a Welsh Polecat, anyway one thing I do I know is that it is rather a niche market. If that very nice Steven Spielberg makes a film aimed at the Polish or Welsh Polecat audience then it will only be shown at obscure film festivals and on Channel Four at three in the morning with subtitles or children’s TV at 4:00pm on Tuesdays.

The weather was a right mix today sun, rain sun, rain so it has been very hot or torrential rain most of the day so every time I went outside to do things I needed to go back in, I really did not fancy getting wet today. I spoke to the Ghost Writer again today and he is still grumbling about going to work when he is on holiday but on the positive side he is finally correcting the errors in the manuscript that the proof reader found in the first 120 pages or so. It is up too 240 pages now and turning into war and peace although there are no wars and not much peace.

I know that Jim is due back from Hollywood very soon to explore the woods and Mercedes and Mr Pickup are coming to stay with Mr Jenkins next door for a while in what will be the grand finally of the first book where our epic adventure will end with a nice picnic and a cup of tea. Dam I have given away the end now….. Mum has just said the magic word again.............................IDIOT

The dog that eats cars and a game of tennis

Well everything was very quiet today until at school I was told they wanted me to go and take a huge big growling monster of a dog off the road that had been chewing cars. They said they thought I could do it because the dog is huge and growls, but is not as big as Pythagoras the Dog and it cant speak Latin or do Maths, just growl at people and eat them.

That was not very fair I didn’t want to be eaten by a big dog but as it turned out it was a big soft dog that looked very scary and only eats cars and people because it is a bit bored and hot. So I was given some rope for a lead and once it had that on just wandered about following me in school while the other pupils screamed and ran off in the other direction. Anyway its owner turned up in the end and said it had eaten its cage but big dogs do that sometimes. And as it happens so do rabbits which are very good at eating cages. We once had rabbits called Ruby and Doris and they specialized in eating themselves out of cages even when dad made cast iron cages with multiple padlocks and electric fencing. They used to like to eat plants but only the inch nearest the ground even if the plants were ten feet tall. so they were not very popular with Mr Jenkins next door or his cat Fluffy as they ate Fluffy the Cat’s bed on the assumption it looked like a cage.

The dog has now gone home, as I have and the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog are playing tennis. I think Rusty the Robot dog might be winning but the dog thinks it’s because it has the advantage of six legs.

Captain Flint the Parrot is the umpire and Pirate Pete is the ball boy and me, mum and dad, Mr and Mrs Jenkins, Heavy Harry the Cat and Fluffy the Cat are watching and eating strawberries and cream. To tell the truth I’m eating hot sausage rolls and cream (Yum) and Sooty the Cat is hanging off the bunting but then he is only little and due to recent operation is not very keen on ball sports.  

A tale of cats and dogs but no rain

Saturday and all is well, the sun shines the birds sing in the big tree Sooty the Cat is learning how to play as it has now been warned that due to two rather large vets bills it is now expected to be a cute playful kitten. Heavy Harry still hates Sooty the Cat, he was more than happy being the only cat in the house and now he has to share food and cosy places to sleep with a small bouncy cat.

 Heavy Harry is at least four time bigger and will beat up Sooty the Cat in passing just to show it who is boss, Sooty is stupid however and will run up to Heavy Harry to be friends but gets hissed at and then thumped.

The dog says this is classic cat and dogs don’t act like that as him and Rusty the Robot Dog are great friends, but I did point out Rusty is a robot and the dog helped to make him so it was not entirely the same thing. The dog thinks these are minor points and pointed out that Fluffy Mr Jenkins cat has been on the roof again singing that song again (Tiptoe through the Tulips) and tap dancing, and dogs don’t do that. That is true but the dog and Rusty the Robot dog spent the morning head-banging and playing air guitar to AC\DC in the garden, and were told off for having their ghetto-blaster on too loud.

Captain Flint the Parrot is a bit unhappy at present and says due to the corporate sponsors he is very inactive and getting covered in spiders webs and according to his mate in the pet shop a parakeet called Hannibal (so called due to his habit of eating certain bits of the hamsters) it is not pirates that Steven Spielberg does not like it’s Poirot’s as in Hercule Poirot, there do seem to be a lot of them about. He says it’s a typographical error and we have loads of them here that’s for sure.

The Proof Reader and the Buzzard

Miss Fiona came to see us today, we often see Miss Fiona on Tuesdays, me and dad think it must be one of mum’s shy operations where they do spy things although they say to us IDIOTS but we think that’s a cunning plan to fool us. I tried to show Sooty the Cat to Miss Fiona but he can get spooked a bit by people so he ran up my neck and over my head…. OOOOuuuuWWWWW.

Then on my way to school I bumped into my professional Proof reader who has to sort out all the mistakes in the paper manuscript that the ghost writer makes (he’s rubbish). I showed her my decimated, well badly scratched neck. The proof reader has had a couple of interesting weeks with animals also, firstly she found a poorly Badger in her garden shed a few weeks ago which the RSPCA saved and returned to her to let go once it was well, about a week or so ago. Then apparently yesterday she had to stop her car because a Buzzard was sat in the middle of the road with what appeared to be a damaged wing. So she scooped it up in her coat and put it in the car to take to the vets, only it tried to escape out of the coat. So although Miss Vicky is a very good proof reader she finds it very difficult to drive with a Buzzard flapping about loose in the car. So she stopped the car scooped the Buzzard up in her coat again a put it a grassy field where it promptly sat up hopped about a bit then flew off.

I did say these things come in three’s because I am told they do although I don’t know why so after what started with a Badger then a Buzzard needed a third B animal to prove this, and when Miss Vicky got home she said she had to save a Bumble Bee from the window so it is true about things in three’s then. Maybe that saying all started when shops started the buy two get the third free; and free and three got confused and as is the way when these old sayings get started and are then handed down through generations, in the end they make no sense at all.

At school class 7G were celebrating the success of “Harry Richards Tomb” their tunnel and the delivery of Battered Cod, Double Chips and Mushy Peas to the Geography teacher which will ensure they all get distinctions in the practical exam projects. It was very nice to have fish and chips for lunch at school although the headmaster was extremely confused as to where all the fish and chips were coming from. At first he blamed Mr Oliver the new school cook who has fallen on hard times from making the public eat too many healthy foods, but he is still making healthy food so YUK. Anyway he knows something’s going on (the headmaster not Mr Oliver) so he has bugged the school. So now the whole school is full of bugs. I told mum the school was full of bugs when I got home and she said o no not again but I think she might be thinking of the wrong kind of bug.

I have got an itchy head now NOT FAIR.

Sooty the Cats big operation

Sooty the Cat went off to the vet first thing to be checked out and have his op. As is the way with things it turned out his operation was much more complex that expected due to complications and they thought he might have cat AIDS but as it happened he didn’t so he is now in a box in a room so he can’t get out. So mum and dad now say he is worth more than a pedigree Persian Blue.

At least Sooty the Cat is out of things now due to anaesthetic so he will be quiet tonight hopefully. We had sun and hailstones today which was fun, fairly classic Welsh weather where we all say oooo look its sunny go outside only to be pummelled to death by large hail stone.

And I appear to have lost something that I put away safe the other week and can no longer find, and I know I only have the one of them which is a bit of a worry. What makes it even more worrying is I cant remember what it is either but I know it is very important and I need to find it.  The ghost writer has done the same thing and has put a whole lot of work on CD’s in a safe place and it is so safe he no longer knows where it is either, luckily for me it is not my manuscript but he is not happy and says he will find it when he least needs it because that’s what happens.

 Nelson Beelzebub says possessions are a distraction to corrupt the human mind and that we all need more and more of them and in the end it can drive some people mad and make them evil and selfish. Its why he has loads of stuff in his shop so everyone can buy it and  get lots of loyalty points and get to go down to the bottom of his cellar. I asked him if it still counted if you have lots of things but can’t find them but he said he didn’t know and it is not so much the things as the state of mind the things create. The ghost writer says his things certainly drive him mad and they are getting a good telling off once he finds them. Sooty the cat now has bits he will never find again although mum said she would have preferred it if the vet had not said look we have removed these and waved a clear plastic tube with bits in at her. YUK.

The madness of cats and fortunes in hedges

Heavy Harry the Cat is proving he is a real cat by catching mice and bringing them to show us which is sort of OK but he lets them go in the house and they run away. Sooty the Cat is just making a lot of noise and driving everyone mad still. We think he might have been abandoned because he was driving his last owner mad.

Because Sooty has had a tough time we are all walking about smiling and saying we must be nice it will stop meowing in the end because no one can meow for ever. Even Stickinsect (otherwise known as Rusty) the Robot Dog has put cotton wool in his ears and he was only switched on yesterday. Pirate Pete the dog and the robot dog have vanished off to the wood to see The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth and the Banshee’s because they said AAAAAUuuuuuuuuuuuugh Sooty is driving us mad. I was going to go with them but I have been given the task of finding all the mice that Heavy Harry keeps turning up with in the house. Mum and dad have gone off to the shops they said there were things they needed and that Sooty was sort of AAAAAUuuuuuuuuuuuugh so they needed to go out. Heavy Harry has said AAAAAUuuuuuuuuuuuugh too and has run off again to hunt mice. So its just me and Sooty the Cat now, AAAAAUuuuuuuuuuuuugh; and mice

Sooty is rubbish at catching mice because he keeps meowing at them so I am trying to round them up and put then in the oldest and thickest part of the hedge where nothing except tiny things can go. I always put all the mice that Heavy Harry catches there because it is impossible for cats or humans or much else to catch them again. The Nanobot family that live under my bed told me once that Great Uncle George the famous Nonobot explorer once entered the old and ancient thickest parts of our hedge to look for lost tribes and buried fortune. He never found any lost tribes only lots of mice but he did find a silver thimble and an old sixpence in the temple the mice had built in the middle of the hedge where a small shaft of light could enter each year on summer solstice. He was able to negotiate with the mice and traded a large piece of English Cheddar  Cheese for the thimble and the sixpence. He was then able to return home and live off his fortune for many years as well as do the lecture circuit showing slides and he also did the odd appearance on TV, living life as a minor celebrity until it all went wrong when he was eaten by a Bull Frog on I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Sadly for the Nanobot family this episode was never shown on television so they never got to see his final wave just before the frog swallowed him.

I am off now to put cotton wool in my ears  

The noisy cat, the tunnel and a curry in Bangalore

Sooty the Cat is driving everyone mad which is quite an achievement considering he has only been in the house for one day. But he is very noisy and spent the whole day meowing and meowing when I got back from school everyone had ear plugs in and was hiding. No one wants to be nasty to Sooty because he has had a tough life, well no one except Heavy Harry that is.

The dog has asked dad to help him build an automated microprocessor controlled steam powered dog so at least he feels a little less outnumbered. I think the fact that Mr Jenkins cat Fluffy has been trying to sing that song tip toe through the tulips up in the big tree again has not helped.  Anyway the dog wants the robot dog to be able to do Mathematics and Latin so when he talks to it; it does not just go WOOF and wag its tail and roll over on its back with its tongue hanging out. The dog just hates it when he meets other dogs and they go WOOF and try and stick their noses in his bum, it’s one of the reasons why the dog learnt marshal arts so all the local dogs now go WHIMPER WHIMPER and run away or hide under manhole covers until he passes. Pirate Pete is quite excited and says he can take it for walks because if the robot dog has steam powered bionic legs too they will both be able to run at fifty miles an hour. Playing stick in the park will be interesting at that speed for the other dog owners.

Class 7G are still making their tunnel but have been running into a logistical problem with soil, its amassing just how much soil can come out of a three quarter of a mile long tunnel with smaller air recycling support tunnels and passing chambers. They have been leaving soil on the school busses at night but the bus company has made a formal complaint to the headmaster saying it has now got a fifteen foot high pile of soil at the bus depot and have told him to take it back. The headmaster is concerned about the origin of the soil but the pupils have all said it’s the class rooms they are very muddy after the winter rain. The geography teacher tried to explain to the headmaster it was to do with continental drift and that part of the continent is drifting into the class rooms but the headmaster said he was talking nonsense and called him an IDIOT.

Tonight is a good night we are off out for a meal with friends to have a curry in the back streets of Bangalore, using the Einstein Cube to leap across the world. The Einstein cube is ideal for things like this but because the CIA, FBI, MI6 etc are still after it mum and dad say its best not to mention it in my diary so…….AH I have done it again. Mum has just said IDIOT now. Pirate Pete says he would rather go to Bangalore by pirate ship but as we have all pointed out that will take several months and his curry will have gone cold and poppadoms soft.  Pirate Pete is how shouting SOFT POPPADOMS HAR HAR HAR ……. HAR HAR WHATS A POPPADOM. Mum said IDIOT again.

Chris the builder and the Pit of Doom

Chris the builder has been building an invisible hatch to the cellar today, when I say its invisible I don’t mean it is actually invisible I mean it is impossible to spot it in the floor so that dad and Pirate Pete can hide all the things so that no one will know they are there. Well almost no one a few people with internet access who read my blog or look at facebook or twitter or the block buster book and movie might know.

Apparently we had people looking at the house the other day who thought they might buy it but their little girl was frightened by the Pit of Doom at the bottom of the garden. Dad did try to reassure them that almost no children have been lost in the Pit of Doom and there has only ever been the one child who was not recovered. Well he occasionally turns up near the entrance to the Pit of Doom when mum takes him food but he shouts and says YUK I don’t eat vegetables YUK get me ice cream ….. ……  now. He was never that popular but I can sympathise with what he says about vegetables YUK. I did go and peer in the Pit of Doom once but he said go Away it’s my pit. Still the point of this story is just to say having the Pit of Doom at the bottom of the garden is not good when selling a house. The dog likes it but that is not really much help is it.

My Super dooper office den made with the big copper cylinder is also at the bottom of the garden so I asked the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine about the Pit of Doom and all it said was AH yes that young child is in there I really wish someone you rescue him because I can hear him complaining about vegetable soup and mud in his X box thing.  Well after that it got side tracked and was muttering about the storm in the Autumn again.  I was planning to ask it about the Kiss of Death too but it then said Time for Bed Boing. Then Mum said O god that’s all we need the Magic Roundabout.

Sorry if you are one of our international readers I don’t think The Magic Roundabout crossed the channel, but the dog just said it would sink and has fallen about laughing again.

Heavy Harry the Cat and friends

Heavy Harry the Cat who has been quiet for ages seems to have organised a protest movement with Fluffy the Cat and they are marching up and down the road outside with banners and shouting what do we want, more food. When do we what it …….meow. Really that’s not right I’m sure; the dog says typical cat and has offered to chase them but mum said let sleeping dogs lie …… Only they are cats and not sleeping ?????