Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci and the Albatross drawing

A long long time ago there was a rather clever chap called Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci, and when I say clever he was seriously clever with the added bonus of various other skills too; who drew a helicopter. Now when I say a helicopter it was quite frankly a rubbish helicopter but the fact was he sort of knew that somehow and someday folk would finally crack the idea of flight and be able to make a machine that actually achieved what he had in his mind. At the time folk just nodded and smiled and agreed, but thought the idea was crackpot, but he had friends in high places and did some great drawing and painting so no one said it was a mad idea. Anyway besides all this he was a bit of a one for undoing bodies on the quiet, and no one is going to argue with someone who dismantles the bodies of ordinary folk going about their daily business.

 

Anyway I thought if I was to draw a flying machine in the style of Mr Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci then maybe in about five hundred years time folk will say, that Rob Z Tobor was not as mad as everyone thought he was (although he was rubbish at typing and spelling). OK I know what you are thinking . . . . . Yes the flying machine has sort of been invented and well and truly used for all sorts of stuff, very true but no one has made a mechanical flying Albatross yet that can circumnavigate the world and arrive back home as fresh as a daisy (to use yet another silly saying). OK Yes I can now hear you asking why, well for one thing it is the ultimate spy machine, who would suspect an Albatross sat on the window sill of a high powered meeting, sort of listening and recording everything while it nibbles a bit of fish. And like the laser which when invented had no practical use but has thousands now, the manmade Albatross will become as common a sight in the homes of the masses as the real Albatross is today . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

OK so the point is I have drawn the mechanical Albatross to ensure that at some point in the future folk will look at it and say . . . . . . Well he was NOT mad. . . . .  

  

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The Storm and a Duck

Many parts of Britain have been enduring storms today, up in Scotland it has been very blowy on the west coast and I think the top recorded wind speed was about 142mph. Although quite a few trees have been destroyed and it appears that at least two folk have been killed, it has to be said folk up north are making less of a fuss in this storm than the BBC did when the last storm was down south. Last time here, there was no wind what so ever, but this time it was different and although we were very much on the fringes of this storm it was certainly rather bouncy outside, with the odd really powerful gust. This resulted in a few bits of wood being blown about and a smashed large garden pot and the weather vane vanishing off the roof. All the sheep have vanished from the fields next door too but I think that may be connected to the man with the sheepdog and a large trailer.

The evening sky tonight as the sun set 

(well it looks peaceful enough)

 The next big worry in several places is a tidal storm surge; I really wish the BBC could report this stuff without making it sound like its going to be the end of the world at times. I think they need to wait and see how bad it is first before they commit themselves to a doomsday option. This will not affect us (the tide), we are rather a long way from the coast and if the sea reaches us then it really is doomsday.

I have bought a Christmas present today so a bit of a shock for BBC news although apparently they have no interest in this even though I managed to do it online. I should have bought a fish, I notice it is possible to buy a battery powered fish that looks and swims just like a real fish although it tastes rubbish.  But the idea of buying a fish online (HAH HAH HAH HAH HA HAH HAH Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) is slightly amusing OK only very slightly. It’s a sustainable fish joke HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH AH HAH HAH HAH AH ha ha ha.

I have also moved a mirror a small distance and took a picture of the sky today.   OOOOoooo yes I also had to check that the Steam Powered Duck was safe when it was blown off her pond, she was. . . . . . 

The Steam Powered Duck, Dr Who and the Exploding Apples

It has been a very cold day today a day that saw the first day this year when the Steam Powered Duck has been unable to move due to ice. If you were to ask the Steam Powered Duck what it did today it would respond with ALMOST Entirely Nothing which surprisingly bearing in mind yesterdays diary entry is correct.

Mr F arrived very late yesterday evening and is spending the weekend with us, although he has just exploded two apples in the microwave as part of an experiment to make fruit look like brains in order to get Zombies to have a healthier diet. It appears that it has been proved scientifically that one of the reasons Zombies are so lethargic and slow is the lack of fruit and fibre in their food.

We also went off to the vineyard to drink coffee or in my case Hot Chocolate (they do a good Hot Chocolate) and talk about the age old problem of clockwise and anticlockwise bias in the human body, a subject I have previously discussed in my diary.

I have also used my new, well I say new as it is new to me although it has a previous owner, camera to photograph the Steam Powered Duck. What I have noticed is that because it is big and complex and full of buttons the battery runs flat. This happen to coincide with the farm opposite putting on a large firework display for their cows, as it helps their milk yield although the noise did frighten the local pheasants and several pigeons and a cat; but it does mean there are no photographs to prove the event took place.

As I write my diary everyone else is doing a jigsaw in the main living room and I may go and see if I can entice a few Zombies with exploded apples although I am not entirely convinced they will be fooled into thinking they are brains even if the exploded raspberries give them the oozing blood look of a fresh brain.

I have noticed much talk of Dr Who which is fifty years old now. I was rather amused that someone well known on the TV said the reason for its success was the fact he was a middle class eccentric fighting strange monsters in a world were almost anything could happen. . . . . . . . Oooo yes I can see how that is a winning formula, I wonder if it will work in cyberspace in a sort of daily diary format  . . . . . . . . . . . AAAAAaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuggggggHHHHHHH

My new Camera (secondhand)

AH mum has said IDIOT again.

OK time to go….. I knitted a really long scarf once a very very very very long time ago but left it on a train, I wonder what happened to that….. I might ask that Doctor bloke.  

Steam Powered Ducks and Old Converse Trainers

Today started in a wild and windy way and sort of got windier and wilder until mid-afternoon when the sun finally came out. I know it was the windiest day in a long time as poor old Steam Powered Duck was blown over the waterfall and was upside-down lying in the lily pads. Not a dignified way to spend your time and full of technical issues if you are a Steam Powered Duck. Anyway I can now assure everyone she is back in her own pool and looking none the worse for the experience, and I believe the long term memory of ducks is limited.

   

We also had a visit from Miss Jo who has spent much time whizzing about from place to place doing things and talking to folk about stuff. Something we all have to do from time to time although I do try and avoid too much talking to folk about stuff if I can.  Miss Jo then had to whizz off to do other things and collect Miss E  . . . . .I think.

Once the sun came out I was able to grab my trusty pickaxe and make a hole in the ground, it has been a while since I made a hole in the ground, although the ground was not ideal for making holes due to all the rain in the morning. I was also digging in my trusty Old Converse Trainers which are getting that real lived in feel these days although the soles are sort of very thin and falling off.  If the soles do fall off it will be terrible because I have never heard of Old Converse Trainers with no soul before and I do not want to own the first pair. . . . . .  I wonder if I can fix them with super glue.

AH  . . . . . DAMN I have super glued my trainers onto my feet

Mum has said IDIOT.

Diaries and Jannugras the Micro God of Autumnal Events.

I have spent much of the day pottering about doing little jobs here and there, but nothing interesting or of any great devastating news. This happens from time to time or should I say quite a lot and is probably one of the main reasons why folk are not generally great at writing diaries. But I am a persistent chap which is why the very nice Mr Steven Spielberg took out the injunction to keep me away, all that talk of I have the wrong man and wearing a huge false nose and pretending to be a greengrocer in Potters Bar, he cant fool me with his cunning ways.

Now as I was saying it is not easy to write a daily diary if you are an ordinary sort of chap like myself, after all we are seldom attacked by Zombies, Mr Jones has not seen a Alien space craft in weeks, the creatures of the woods are preparing for winter and howling a bit. The pheasants are still oblivious of the fact folk will come and shot at them, despite me telling them and trying to stop them running up to humans, smiling and asking for some grain….. They are stupid birds that’s for sure.  Dad has dismantled the weather machine looking for a fault and the dog is still in the Vatican teaching maths and Latin to seabirds.

So what did I do today, well I made a special pointy stick designed to help remove apples from a rather large and very old (a really old as in seriously old) apple tree. It is a big apple tree so a special pointy stick sort of helps. OOOooooo yes a word of advice do not stand under the branch you are shaking with the pointy stick while you are actually shaking it. I bet that Isaac Newt-Man would have changed his ideas a bit if he was attacked by a large swarm of apples hell bent on causing harm to his head…

And as well as apples falling, so are the leaves so our effigy of Jannugras the Micro God of Autumnal events is in position and ready for his offerings, in fact we are off tomorrow to the big village feast to celebrate the arrival of Autumnal events and the Autumn Micro Gods…

Ooooo I heard a man shouting today, he may have thought a large chicken was a Zombie, it is easily done in the Autumn evening light. I have noticed Zombies do walk a bit like chickens.    

The Return of the Curse of Harry Potter, Fantastic Beasts and Steven Spielberg and me

I noticed on the news last night that both Twitter and the Post Office seem to have decided to sell shares on the stock market, it somewhat amused me because it is a bit of a clash of technologies and philosophy. But I guess at the end of the day folk will rush out and buy which ever shares they think are the most likely to make loads of money, which in my humble opinion is neither . . . .  I guess that is not what they want to hear, but you would be far better investing in a rather strange film about a young slightly eccentric chap.

Which brings me to more shock news . . . . . . I also heard (rather ironically on Twitter) that there are plans to make a Harry Potter spin off film called something like Fantastic Beasts. I was in shock at first, I thought I had seen the last of Mr Harry Potter and His Wizard ways, sniggering at my humble steam powered spell machine. Just because if vibrated off the shelf and created its own hole in the floor to fall through before smashing to bits 15 floors lower when the boiler cooled down due to the air rushing past it as it fell. Him and all his Robsanidiotiosum Hahahaexplodious Excelentamusediam, Luckily it appears he will not be in the new film (O DEAR . . . . . . .HHAH HAHAH Hah hah ah hah ahha hhah ha ha ha ha hah ha ), poor old Harry. However,  I feel I have some good beasts right here in my own blog, what with Micro Gods and critters like the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, The Banshees and the Lemmings of Petrograd.

If the nice Steven Spielberg had started making Rob Z Tobor the movie when I suggested we would have loads of beasts that are even better.  Still what can I say this is the way of the world for us simple ordinary folk living in the hills of the English Welsh borders, I bet I would not have this problem in Hollywood or Skegness…..

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them  . . . . ..  Really, I think the answer is OVER HERE . . . . .. . . . . Mum said I am an IDIOT

Anyway I have told all the pupils in School to keep an eye out (no it’s purely a silly saying I have not told them to remove their eye, this is not Hogwarts) for folk on broom sticks, and if they do see any to test their Zombie Defence Skills with their pointy Sticks. Talking of which I can say that they are rather effective on Media Studies teachers, although it turns out the Media Studies teacher is not a Zombie. This was finally proved by Esmeralda after some vigorous interrogation which Sir Alec Guinness in Tinker Tailor Teacher Spy would be proud of which is rather ironic bearing in mind it’s the Media Studies teacher.

Ooooooo The Monty Cardboard Robot Club have started to make a rocket……..WELL COOL.

And it rained today….

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When is a Duck a Duck

I am late again, it is all this doing stuff that is the problem so actually writing about what I have done is then harder. Anyway because it is late this is going to be the short abbreviated diary entry just in order to keep continuity, a diary without continuity is like a seagull without a mad glint in his eye and a belligerent swagger outside the fish and chip shop on a Friday night.

So in short we discovered that a Robot Elvis Duck is rubbish at swimming in a pond, A Glow in the Dark Robot Duck will float about but in a very uninteresting way, not in the true spirit of Ducks. And finally a traditional Female Mallard Robot Steam powered Duck is a good swimmer as long as any holes are properly filled up so that it does not list to starboard.   

 We also tested the old pond pump and it still works but we had not anticipated that it would siphon half the water out of the Robot Duck testing pond when it was turned off. Yes we should have thought of that, but even the minds of mad mechanical geniuses are not infallible or even inflatable.

I managed to get some PVA glue to glue things and showed Mr F round a shop and I have just been eating Bombay Mix and eating toast and peanut butter . . . . . YUM; even though it is rather late because that is the sort of chap I am… . . . . . . .  

Ooooooo and an old traction engine passed the house today on its way to somewhere so I took a photo and told them that the internal combustion engine would be far easier to park.

Micro-Steam Powered Electro-Mechanical Wasps and The Duchess of Cabbage.......

Last night after I had finished my diary entry I sort of mentioned I was off to do battle with the Wasps. I don’t mind Wasps normally, but with four nests all in close proximity to the back door; and as a result of the warm summer (so far) their numbers rapidly increasing, it was time to do battle. Now I thought the little critters would all be in bed but even after 10:30pm there was still some activity but I decided it was time to act. Dad had very kindly supplied me with a powder that he had bought from a shop which you puffed in the general direction of the nest and with its total range of about twelve inches meant I needed to be close up and staring the beasts in the eye so to speak. Easy enough with the ground based nest but no so easy up a ladder puffing the stuff under the roof tiles, PHEW I am glad we live in a bungalow.

So with my torch and powder I attacked the nests and WOW ZAP POW there were wasps all over the place loads of them (I mean really loads), because it was dark they were out to attack anything that was bright so the security light, the windows, and of course my torch which I very quickly switched off. Now these beasts were mad and out of control but I was OK because I just stood in the dark and listened to the massed swarms of wasps getting more and more confused crashing into lights and windows and then they all just sort of died.

I am not sure what is in that powder but I would not advice making dinner with it because just a small amount zapped an awful lot of wasps.

Dad has said he had got used to the constant buzz and attacks and it was too quiet so he is now making Micro-Steam Powered Electro-Mechanical Wasps to replace the real ones, but his are people friendly as they smile and can be trained to hum the national anthem, which he says will be very useful when that royal has her baby, you know the Duchess of Cabbage . . . . . . He is not really good with royals so a bit confused who they all are.

I would just like to point out No Wasps were harmed in the making of this Diary Entry . . . . . .  AH OK that’s not entirely true  . . . . . Sorry Wasps.

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The Apprentice Final, Lord Sugar, the BBC and Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous Steam Powered Mechanical Duck

Last night I watched The Apprentice the program on the television where that Lord Sugar is selecting a business partner and making a few pounds at the same time (he is no fool that’s for sure). Last night was the interview with the last five candidates remaining where they have to explain their business plan to several high fly business folk who pick holes in each plan and tell them they are in fact total rubbish.

As I watched it, it became very clear that in reality all five of them really did have really rubbish ideas, well OK four of them did, but the fifth was doing a sneaky and had another partner hidden behind the scenes so basically got chucked out for not playing by the rules.

It now means that the last two in the Apprentice final who are both women have ideas that I would not invest in, let alone poor old Lord S who I guess has to grit his teeth and smile… One wants to start a international baking brand which seems slightly mad (??..... Ooooo look a flying pig) and the other, non intervention cosmetic surgery or as far as I could tell, stab folks faces with needles full of stuff (I think)

So I hear you say what has this to do with me, well you see my idea for the program of mass producing Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous Steam Powered Mechanical Duck (ironically called Rob), recreated from the long lost drawing he did, to sell in its millions to the Chinese who love ducks was laughed out of the board room. Those yuppie BBC folk said my idea was futile and would bite the dust before it ever got going, although my prototype Da Vinci Steam Powered Mechanical Duck bit Lord Sugar rather than the dust during the demonstration which may have affected the final decision and I for one was not amused by being told that all Steam Powered Mechanical Duck scientists are in fact a bunch of Quacks ……………. HAH HHAHAH HAHH AH hah ah ah ha hah ah hah ah ah ha hah ah ah ah ha hah ah aahhh OK it was a bit amusing 

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Rob Z Tobor's A to Z return (otherwise known as the Z to A) . . . . . Z stands for Zumtonians

Back in April I did that A to Z thing that many folk who blog do, and I did it in my normal jolly way then at the end of doing it and returning to the daily routine of writing daily in my daily diary I did say that I would do a informal no stress return from Z to A. All at my own pace and as and when I was in the mood.  So today I have decided that thanks to Mr Jones the Alien watcher combined with a remarkably quiet day (again); today will be the first day of the return journey . . . . Z, this does not mean tomorrow is Y because this is a slow chilled decline to A based entirely on my head…..

First I must say I did have a cracking meal last night it was brill……… So well done all at Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café. The best food in the world……….

OK The Rob Z Tobor one man accessional informal Z to A.

As we all know Mr Jones is a avid Alien Watcher stalking the woods at night in the nude come rain or shine; Ah OK it does not shine much in the woods at night, but you get the point. Anyway this morning he was very excited as he has found a gold disk in the woods with a picture of an alien on it and messages. It is all in an alien language (well it would be) but dad has cobbled together a Steam Powered Thermal extracting translation machine  so we are now able to piece together what the aliens are saying. Apparently speed is now of the essence as Mr Jones and the man on the News at Radio Four on the BBC are saying that there appear to be a large number of spacecraft landing in Britain mainly in the Home Counties (that’s were all the yuppies live by the way if you are not from Britain)

So this is the message on the gold disk

ZZaf Zafafho Zjafhojh….Zxx Z Zumtonians

ZSkh zprpu  zpiup zuiuiur zJJAo zzzafsiafisa zHH zOHEihe  zh zzzhjkdhojahah zahdjhdadhz zjh EAT zakjakfjlf zlkafjajf zljafkafl zgotoi zpfkajkjkjj zkj Pork Piez zsffjslkjflkfsdfk zk zzzzzlksfjlseisdi zjlsfk zjslkj zkjslfjslk zjlskjflkjfewiu zjksjlk zjk zlskfjlks zkjfskjfi zp ziph zpuspufu zj zkj z  zkkj zkj jellied Brains z zklsflkjslkjl zlkjkllksfiofuiu Roast legs YUM zapfsjfkj Zumtonian zkjkljlksjflflksjl zkjlkjiuiuiu z zkjslkflskfjlk zjlkjfljsl zipwp9ew9zrwiuzskjflkj  zksjflk zjkjslkj zk Starters zfjfkjfslkj zru zkjfslf kjlskj zlkjflskj zpsfjk zlksjlksfjlk zlkjsuiur zlksjfl kjlkjsflkj zlkjflkjsflkjiutiuil zksflkfsjl zkslfsksirsd zlk zlzksflhsiosdirfh zljkshfljhfs zosursdosh zjhhj zsjh zjhfjh  zakjhj zhdka zk Monkeys zlskjl zkJI zEIAOI zOAEl  zljdhjhdjh zljdhj zhjhdjhuu zuhahauhfuhuh zhafuhfauh Zumtonia zouhaouhfuhfo zozo zo oz zozo ozo ozo zo zo zo zo ozo ozoo ozo ozo zo ozozozo

ZHSJ zHOJHJH  zjhkjhafkjhajhfkjh ziufhuhf zhkjfhkjhfkj zhakjfhkjfahj zh Pointy Teeth zdajfkjalkj zjafllk zjaflkjafljfalkjlkj zk Sweet Chilli Sauce  zpajd zjafjajfiajijaf zjaofijaojfoj zojafojfaoo zajfojoafjjo    ZO OZOZO OZOo zoOZO OZOZOOZO ZO OZO zo oz oo zozozo zo zo oz ozo zo zo oz oozoz ozo zo oz ozozozo ozo ZAH  ZDAMN  Zasdhasdlha  Zaskdjalkd Z aldhaldhd. ZOZ OZOZO ozo zo zo ozo zo o z

ZZZZ Za . . . . .  Z Z Ztop

And after hours of hard work here is what they say after all they will be knocking on folks doors shortly or even as I type……

Dear people of Earth or as we like to call you, Dinner….. We are the Zumtonians.

Hello People of planet earth I guess you are a little surprised by our visit to you planet after all it has been a very long time since we were last here, back then several million years ago your ancestors were all covered in hair and quite frankly ruined what should have been excellent fresh Pork pies, but I must say the jellied Brains were lovely. We must have made an impact back then because you talk of Zombies eating Brains to this day, but get it right we are Zumtonians. Even the Roast leg was a little ruined because the Pork scratching was too hairy.  Anyway we are back and it’s a long journey and so as they say in the Movies . . . . . TAKE ME TO MY STARTER  (SORRY I MEAN YOUR LEADER), its any easy error I’m dead hungry I have hardly had a bite since leaving Zumtonia, I could eat a Norse HAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAH HAH HA Hahh ah hahha hah ah hah ah hah ahh aha h ah hhah aha ha Ha HA

Don’t let the pointy teeth put you off we are very nice really and have brought you gifts, like these large jars a Chilli Sauce which we though you would love to roll about in as a sort of marinade Oooo…. no sorry I mean a skin tonic product HAH HAHAHHAH Hahh ah ha hah hahhahahah hahhah ha ha ha. Right I think I’ll go and eat some commuters in a pie AH DAMN no I mean I will go and meet some commuters as they pass by, I love a nice Whine with my dinner HAH HAHAHH HAHHAH HAHHAH HAHAHH HAHH HAhha hah ah hah ah hah ah aha h ah ahahh aha ha hah ah ha hahh Ha ha ha ha.

Your’s Mr Z Z Ztop    

Well best not answer the door for a bit then I guess. . . . . . . PHEW 

This is called a BLOG-FEAST HAH HAHHAh hahah ah hahhaha ha hah ahha hah ahahhah aa 

Immortality, Franciscan Monks a Steam powered, electro-mechanical person called Igor and a Rabbit

In a battle to become immortal , I have offered my blog (of my daily diary) to the British Library for posterity, I would prefer to offer them the hardback edition with the all its medieval illuminated lettering and the like, but as I am still working on volume three (that’s year three) of what is a long term project the producers of the  hardback edition with all its medieval illuminated lettering, a group of free lance Franciscan Monks living on an isolated rock in the local lake told me to go away. When I say they said go away they shouted stuff in Latin and threw seagulls at me.  However I mentioned that the very nice Steven Spielberg is a regular visitor to my diary, (well OK I regularly mention him from time to time in my diary) and this did make them reconsider things and they have implied that as long as they get to do a song and dance routine in the musical and, can have Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers autographs then they will do a quick write up, I say quick it appears it may take up to fifteen years and I have to supply my own gold leaf.

So in the meantime I have been left with leaving the blog to the nation as a record of life as it is here in the wild (OK not very wild) hills on the borders of England and Wales, a place full of dragons and monsters and Zombies and Strange old men in flat caps who drive in mysterious ways on the open highway in old 4X4’s once owned by Franciscan Monks back in the Bronze age.

I am very optimistic that they will be keen to lock my diary away in the darkest vault for ever so that it will be safe from the ravishes of being read (Hang on that sounds wrong).

It appears dad is also keen to create something that will last for posterity so he is working on Igor a Steam powered, electro-mechanical person that will be controlled by a suitable human brain and triple A batteries.  All he needs is the correct sized brain, which apparently is exactly the same size as my own one, that’s a bit of a coincidence. . . . . . AH DAMN.      

Oooooooooooooooo yes I saved a bunny from under one of the sofa’s this morning that Sotty the cat was considering having for breakfast.

Important unknown facts about rain and a faulty weather machine

It has returned to winter again and it is not the weather machine at fault either because it has a fault and is not working. It seems that the rotten weather is entirely natural today in fact dad insists that today is normal and that unless he fixes the weather machine and turns it on again then this weather will last for at least another few weeks or maybe longer. Well that is extremely bad news. I don’t mind the wet so much but when it is wet and cold it is very hard to remain motivated, and bouncy. 

It appears even Esmeralda and the school goat have started to be effected by the weather now as they tried to use the steam powered catapult to enter the local botanical greenhouse gardens through the open skylight. Bearing in mind that the sky lights are temperature controlled, so on a day like today were well and truly closed.

They are both OK though because as everyone knows Esmeralda is bionic so most of her is mechanical and fairly robust and those bits of her that are real are also fairly robust. And the goat of course is a goat and as we all know goats are fairly indestructible beasts, well certainly in cyberspace they are.

Apparently if you laid every rain drop that fell in a year end to end they would stretch round the Earth  1293 times and weight more that the entire weight of every bath in the world which if laid end to end  would take a long time to fill up unless you could get the rain to only fall in baths but the water would be very cold on days like today so no one would use baths and have showers instead, which is a bit like standing in the rain only warmer (no one likes a cold shower).

The Maths teacher has worked out that the surface area of all the rain in the air at any one time in the world is at least five times the surface area of the earth. Although he has had to assume the earth has a perfectly flat surface with no bump, hills or grains of sand or waves at sea and the like. If you take into account every surface at a molecular level then the surface of the Earth is greater than that of the universe, assuming the universe is smooth.

I might go now and hide from the rain in the bath, if I lie end to end in the bath my feet stick out the top but no rain can fall on me.

Mothers day and the life size Steam Powered Vincent Price Vampire Automata

I have descended into a state of limbo not as in the dance where you have to go under a pole a bit like the reverse of pole vaulting (as in the sport), no but like in a state of suspended animation where I am frozen and not doing anything. This is because the weather has turned back to winter and my mind has now passed winter and is in spring mode. I am not sure that nature is designed to deal with weather when it starts to reverse back in time, I certainly know in my own case my mind and body have now decided to shut down for a while until the weather catches it up again.  One of the things that makes this winter particularly hard is the fact that the weather in Britain started to get bad on the 3^rd June 2012, you see a decent diary has it moments so although this winter is not really terrible when added to a bad summer and autumn it means it feels like a very very very long winter.

In other items of importance. . . . . . . .Today was Mothers day, I say Mothers day but I refer to Mothers day in Britain because as it happens Mothers day is not a universal date and it appears that globally there are about thirty different dates for Mothers day. In fact today is one of the less common dates for Mothers day, so that’s COOL (or very cold).

My life size Steam Powered Vincent Price Vampire Automata was quite a surprise and mum said it was the last thing she wanted (sorry was expecting), It has photo cells in it and when it gets dark he starts creeping about the house hissing (that’s due to steam) and biting anything that moves.  I tested in on the cats in a dark shed which seemed to work although I think maybe it might have been best if I had remained outside rather in the dark shed during testing, still I will recover and I only lost a couple of pints of blood but that was mainly due to the cats hiding on my head. I have named him Boris although everyone says that is confusing because Boris is a monsters name and not a vampires name, vampires have names like George or Hector or Roger or Volfgarde  . . . . . I still prefer Boris myself.

Ok that’s it I am off now to hunt for the source of some heat, any sort of heat, well maybe not the hot steamy heat of a life size pointy toothed Steam Powered Vincent Price Vampire Automata.

DAMN . . . . . . . . . . now where has it sneaked off to, that is not meant to happen it’s not dark yet.

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The unpredictable as predicted by time travel and a stick

Today has been a terrible day for the writer of a diary (me), there I was helping dad with some adjustments on his latest steam powered machine. He is working on an unpredictable machine; the idea is that in a world full of what appears to be predictable events, his machine would improve the possibility of the unpredictable. We have to be cautious about what we say according to mum because dads invention sounds a bit like that idea invented by the chap who wrote The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy. However there are two fundamental differences between dads steam powered machine and the one in the book, firstly dad’s machine is in his garage and secondly is no longer works (well it is sort of lost) after the accident this morning where dad and I were looking at it and I prodded it a bit with a stick. This would not normally cause any problems except that in what appeared to be an unpredictable outcome to being popped by a stick I was catapulted through time to tonight.

O yes that sounds exciting but one minute I was standing prodding a machine in the morning then the next thing I am at the end of the day and its time for bed, this is a disaster because I can not write about a day in my diary I have totally missed. And to make matters even more worse than that, yes that may not sound good use of English but when they get worse than worse it is terrible so what is worse than terrible is leaping in time past all my meals arriving at a glass of milk to take to bed. . . . . . .DAMN.

Dad is gutted because as I leap forward in time his machine in what dad says is something that must happen in order for the universe to maintain balance leap backwards into the past. Dad did say that he remembered it turning up a couple of weeks ago and did wonder where it came from because he did not remember making it. At the time he thought it must be one of his steam powered machines because it had a stick poked in the side with my name on it. I think that must mean I have just lost my favourite stick to prod things with DAMN (again).

So its time to go to bed . . . . . . .DAMN  

The Steam Powered Weather Machine, A Very Very Large Rock and the Russian City of Chelyabinsk

What a lovely sunny day it has been here in the UK, dad is claiming it is all due to his weather machine but I think we can take that with a pinch of salt. AH yes another one of those silly saying. 

As it happens dad has been trying to refine the steam powered weather machine for a while now to create large hail stones and did his first live test last night over the Russian city of Chelyabinsk in order to avoid causing any problems or damage.  Then when dad heard the news this morning about all the bits of meteor, the large bang, broken windows and injured people he said AH . . . . But then you could argue that meteors are very similar to hail stone.

Also at breakfast he remembered that he might have accidently set the weather machine settings to the wrong setting last night, it was set to Large Rock Passing VERY VERY Close to Earth, mum had warned  him that his little joke (the equivalent of having eleven on your guitar amp) was all well and good but also very fool hardy and that one day it might come back to haunt him, and he may find himself having to explain to the United Nations that the huge hole in the planet is because he accidently pressed the wrong button.

So (back at the breakfast table) . . . . .  AH DAMN I ACCIDENTALLY PRESSED THE WRONG BUTTON said dad while eating his breakfast this morning I may have pressed the Large Rock Passing VERY VERY Close to Earth button ,  we all shook our heads and Mum said IDIOT.  But then he said later on, that it is probably the Large Rock Passing VERY VERY Close to Earth setting that gave us such a lovely sunny day, it seems that what dad might be saying is that if we want it to be sunny we may have to put up with large rocks travelling very fast and very very close to earth with the possible destruction of the planet. I must admit it is a close call floods or rocks mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, we have had a lot of floods for a long time now in the UK we need a change and a large rock would be novel.

Meanwhile in other news

As a result of DNA testing by the police in the flower shop they have tracked yesterdays incident with the flowers to the school mascot (the goat), you see the goat has form so to speak (that means he has a police record, not that he is a member of one of the classes in the school) so the headmaster has had to pay ten thousand pounds in compensation to the owners of the flower shop. He has warned all the pupils that he will need to save this money from the school budget and so has found a cunning way of doing this. It appears several large supermarkets have Food Mountains of accidentally incorrectly labelled food products that are going cheap, by buying in bulk he has been able to buy all the school dinners for the next twenty five years but has warned pupils that if they don’t like horses they might need to bring sandwiches to school.  So far there has only been one complaint from a parent called Mr Roy Rogers whose son Trigger says kemo sabe . . . . . . .?

Oooooooooooo yes I sharpened a chainsaw today and it is now very very sharp, so sharp it would cut a large fast moving rock in half like a hot knife through butter. . . . . Phew that could prove useful.

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A Large Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa

Parts of Britain are not fairing well with the floods and although it has been dry today the next few days appear to be a return to more rain, just as our old mate Santa is about to turn up. Dad has built a large Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa for all those people who were hoping for Armageddon for Christmas. He has even filled Santa’s beard with fish paste and French fries from the takeaway to encourage flocks of seagulls to follow Santa into his fairy Grotto. Dads plan was to take his Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa to the out of town supermarket and offer him as an attraction but unfortunately dad was unable to get the store manager to unlock his office and most of the other store staff ran screaming in the opposite direction. Even the Steam Powered Post Apocalyptic, Jekyll and Hyde Santa’s chirpy smile and friendly ho ho ho hello and who would you like me to eat this Christmas didn’t help much. Dad did try and shout through the keyhole of the manager’s door He is great at eating left over turkey and old Christmas trees but it was drowned out by gibbering and the manager scratching at the floor tiles, trying to dig a tunnel.

Dad was planning to take the reindeer to the store with him but mum said they were too scary and looked like a pack of 30 foot high demonic werewolf’s and that the idea of converting a Trojan Space Gull into a sleigh was just plain stupid.  Dad said the public are boring and will probably sit and watch repeats of the Morecombe and Wise Show while trying to get an entire tin of chocolate into their mouths at the same time. I’m sure dad is wrong surely no one would do that  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH 

I spent an hour yesterday doing a quick bit of recording and so if all goes to plan it will be available on line to listen to, I am still working out what does what at present with all the controls and it is all a bit basic so nothing clever just me and a drum and a harmonica and a bit of bent metal that goes boing. As I type I am also trying to work out how to get this uploaded, what I need is a clever Ghost Writer

Ok a bit basic but its a start

Steam Punk soft toys, and gold hidden in hedges

I have had to leave the Ghost Writer locked in the room with the computer because he is still having teething problems with it (why do things have teething problems anyway unless you have teeth it seems a bit odd), I have promised to feed him once he has sorted the computer out a bit. He appears to be gibbering in an inconsiderable way but then he is an IT guru and I am told all IT people talk gibberish at the best of times so I am ignoring him until he has sorted things and I can drum in cyberspace. It was a really lovely day today although it was very very very cold indeed despite all the sun. This has one great advantage, in that the solar panels are making a bit of power on the roof and I think we have generated more power today than we have on any day in nearly the last two weeks, solar panels like being cold unlike me. We have also just had Mr Kris round chatting and he is planning to make steam punk soft toy sort of things, so that will be very cool (that’s cool, as in hay man, wow look at the seagulls? not cold as in Burrrrrrrr), I have promised to find him a few small gears and interesting mechanical bits for his project.

Please note I am having to draw my own drawing now, times are tough 

I did venture out briefly to saw through a couple more branches on the hedge, the thing is just too high in places so needs a bit of work. I quite like doing this ever since I was told by dad that when the garden was the perimeter of the old motte-and-bailey castle just behind us it was very common for the lord of the castle to hide gold in the top of the big hedges. And better still that if I found any gold I could keep it all, sadly so far I have not found any gold but I am still optimistic that I will as the hedges are very overgrow.

I am sure I must have done other stuff but just at present I cant think of what it was so I am running off again now to check on the Ghost Writer, if I don’t watch him he will get distracted and try and escape.

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Steven Spielberg, a penguin, a goat, and a huge Steam Powered Mutant Alien Brussel Sprout Monster

I am a little late tonight in writing my diary as I have been at a preview of some interesting icons and wooden things at the little gallery in Montgomery, I was then further delayed by what turned out to be a not too bad fish and chips at the Monty chip shop. Well OK the fish was quite good and the chips were sort of OK although on both counts I have had better elsewhere. Anyway I am now thinking I need to write about my day what did I do, Friday I must do stuff on a Friday everyone has to do stuff. I vaguely remember the school mascot, the school goat soaring through the sky towards the out of town supermarket, it has been a while since he arrived through the roof skylight, so I think he was planning to stock up on fresh veg before the shelves fill with nothing but Brussel sprouts. I also vaguely remember the dog passing at speed with two frozen legs of lamb that he had managed to steal from the freezer section of the out of supermarket while the staff were chasing a goat.  And I did spent some time poking about at a PC trying to make some software and the like do stuff, but I need more RAM . . . . DAMN.

It was not a great day because it was cold, not very cold with snow and Penguins but the sort of damp dull cold that is just not nice, this in not the sort of weather that I am at my best in, I like it either snow with Penguins or some heat and sun. These sorts of days are not good for my diary, and in turn not good for the Steven Spielberg epic blockbuster movie, I cant see him filming my actor self (I am not sure who will be playing the part of me yet) sitting at a desk for half an hour saying ITS COLD WHERE ARE MY GLOVES AND WOOLY HAT.  What he should be doing is fighting a huge Steam Powered Mutant Alien Brussel Sprout Monster who has cornered the loveable, if a bit grumpy enigmatic school goat in a corner of the pet food aisle next to the three for two economy tins of dog food. Interesting arranged as a model of the Eiffel Tower by a bored shop assistant who on leaving university with a degree in structural engineering is now doomed to fill shelves with dog food; pondering if it would be possible to create an arched helix with counterweighted boxes of dried food to create an image of Einstein peering disapprovingly over the top of the pet insurance man in his little booth.

What is a worry is that tomorrow is likely to be cold with the added bonus cold rain, I do not like cold rain and I have reason to believe nether does Steven Spielberg.  There are times when the forces of nature do not help one bit. 

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The worlds largest Steam Powered Goldfish and the Ghost Writer

The Ghost Writer has seen the highs and lows of being a hunter today. He had decided that he was going to use his hunting skills to get into the Guinness Book of Records today, so went of to catch the worlds largest goldfish. It took some time but he arrived back triumphant and proudly posed for photographs, unfortunately dad made the mistake of pointing out that the goldfish was in fact a Steam Powered Goldfish with an auto gyroscopic floatation chamber (swim bladder) and an electro-magnetic current indicator and solenoid operated fins.

The Ghost Writer said he was wondering why they were pointing and sniggering at him at the fishing club, he had put it down to jealousy and now it appears he has made a fool of himself again, and even worse has the man from the Guinness Book of Records turning up in the morning to measure the goldfish.  Dad did point out that sitting next to our pond with his fishing rod made it very likely that catching a Steam Powered Goldfish was always going to be the outcome as there are no real goldfish in it, as the Heron with the bent beak will testify.

Ooooo While on the subject of Herons did I mention I saw a 15 foot high heron while we were driving back from IKEA last time, that was a bit odd.

As for myself today I have been a lumberjack cutting down the hedge and weaving it back into the hedge in the old tradition of the old hedgers. Well not quite in the old tradition of the old hedgers because that can be rather hard work so me and the dog sort of stabbed the hedge with all the bits we cut. It works almost as well as all that weaving although the hedge does look more hedgehog like than that of the professional hedgy people. I think in the ancient days of hedging they must have started in the same way I have done hedging because the hedge does look like a hedgehog so I can only assume the hedgehog was named after a hedge that looked like the hedgehog. It’s a bit like that chicken question . . . . .. Which can first the hedges or the hedgehog?

We also discovered that or little pepper plant was not a pepper plant at lunch time when we had some slices of a pepper in our sandwiches and discovered the pepper was in fact a rather hot chilli (WELL COOL sorry I mean WELL HOT).

It also appears that solar panels do not work so well in the winter and washing machines do not all leap about trying to kill the cats and can even be rather quiet, not sure how long that will last, it’s like new cars. They can be really quiet then after a bit they start to squeak a bit, and before you know it you need earplugs.

OK I am off now to do exciting things like dismantle a thing . . . . . . . . . It’s a man thing. When I say it a man thing I do not mean the thing I am dismantling is a man thing, I mean men like dismantling things, so dismantling things is a man thing . . . ..  Although we do not always put them back together because that is not as much fun.

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Aliens, Aliens, Aliens, Aliens, Aliens look out Aliens.

I know from the title of today’s diary entry it would not be an unreasonable assumption to expect some sort of alien being, but no after yesterday they have all run away again because it appears Mr Jones is back in the Woods waiting with his sub-ether intergalactic transceiver and an autographed photograph of himself with this friend Elvis. Not the real Elvis but an Elvis impersonator from Leamington Spa who told Mr Jones that he too has seen things that an Elvis impersonator with a powerful pair of binoculars should not see. I am not entirely convinced they are entirely on the same wavelength in their thoughts.

I spent yet another quite day at school having arrived late after missing the replacement bus. I think the problem was I was pottering about watching a buzzard which looked a bit eagle like to me, and the next thing I know, everyone was waving at me from out of the clouds of steam and smoke as the old bus (I say bus it was a bit pre bus) struggled up the hill. I did set off in hot pursuit but I too struggled up the hill and I don’t have wheels to roll down the steep hill on the other side. Interestingly the old school bus did have wheels but no brakes so in order to avoid crushing the new pupils who are still wandering about in a daze, the bus driver and his faithful stoker used the headmasters car to stop the bus, or as the headmaster himself insisted in calling it (the bus not his car) a Bl********* great traction engine; it did rather dent (crush) his car.

When I said look out aliens right at the start I was not telling the aliens they needed to look out, it was more a run round in circles with hands flapping about and implying we needed to look out for Aliens only I was lying a bit because today’s only real danger was Esmeralda’s  interchangeable clip on chainsaw attachment and in all fairness she was focused mainly on the goat. I didn’t know that goats could run that fast …….WELL COOL  

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