The incredible health benefits of the Bacon Butty (the New Superfood)

It appears that the humble Bacon Butty is extremely good for you, not something I was expecting to learn as folk tend to say that they are bad. In general over the years what I have discovered is that almost any food that tastes really good, folk always say is bad for you. This can not be right, just look at nature, in nature birds, bears, rabbits, hedgehogs, snakes, in fact almost every other creature on the planet eats what it likes and does extremely well. This is how nature works life is programmed to eat the food we need by making it taste desirable, there is a simple and understandable logic to this if any critter is to thrive in the environment it lives in.

And this brings me back to the simple and humble but rather delicious Bacon Butty, you see I tend to eat a couple of these a week. I would eat more but I am not allowed so I make the most of the ones I have.  Now here in Britain there was some chap on the television who said that eating processed meat was not good for you and that eating a Bacon Butty meant you lived an hour less.

The thing is last week I had two Bacon Butty’s and at the end of the week someone said that as a result my life had reduced by two hours.  But I thought to myself . . . . Hang on I have been alive for the entire week and instead of my life reducing by a week it is only two hours shorter than it was at the start. That means if I eat two Bacon Butty’s every week it will take twelve weeks to reduce my life by 24 hours so a year is equal to 12 X 365 (weeks) or roughly 84 years. And as I have planned to be about for another forty years at least it means that I will in fact reach the staggering age of 3430 years old. Well that is amazing and it just proves that Bacon is jolly good for you and we should all eat more of it.  

Of course if any pigs are reading this I would just like to say it is not my fault, it is not good to evolve into a creature that makes such nice sandwiches and that extends our lives by more than three thousand years

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Chaffinch Pie

Sometimes nature can too trusting . . . . . . . Chaffinch Pie for Tea . . . . . . . . . YUM

Delicious and full of Natural Goodness the all New NOCAR BAR . . . Driving Men Mad

The Ghost Writer ventured off to his place of work today, but was using our car (again) as he has Nocar . . . . When I say Nocar I am not referring to the chewy sweet substance made with the fermented legs of the nine banded armadillo and seaweed from the shores of the Ivory Coast blended with the crushed bodies of the sugar monkey. Yes I know I know they are very cute, but delicious and give Nocar its distinctive sweet flavour. 

I am referring to Nocar which is the state of exact opposite of a car.  The advantage to owning the Nocar is that it is incredibly cheap to run although admittedly it is a bit slow, but in eco terms it is difficult to find any vehicle that can equal it. Of course the great disadvantage for the Ghost Writer is the reason he is using the Nocar is because his car is sort of dead, like the Norwegian Blue and is pining for the Fjords  (sorry I mean Fiat spare part) and like the Norwegian Blue will arrive back with a big Bill  . . . . . . HAH HAHAH HAH HAH HAH AH HA HAH HAha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Anyway the Ghost Writer was in his grey office with one other person who it turned out was not expecting to see anyone else, so it is just possible that he spent the day working away when in fact he was probably still on his Christmas Holiday. But he did say that he was able to get on and do stuff and back up the entire system, and did not have to be nice to anyone as they were not there, as he often says an empty office is a happy office.

It was also a slightly better day today something that the Ghost Writer says tends to happen when he is trapped in a grey office all day. However the forecast is not good for the weekend and it looks like its going to be good pirate weather again, HAR HAR HAR me old sea dogs…..

 Ooooo yes I have been told I am an IDIOT apparently Nocar the chewy sweet substance made with the fermented legs of the nine banded armadillo and seaweed from the shores of the Ivory coast blended with the crushed bodies of the sugar monkey is not called NOCAR. . . . It is called  NOUGAT, and apparently not everyone makes it the same way as we do, I have been told to say nothing as it may ruin sales . . . . . . . AH DAMN. 

A Visit, a Wind, a Meal, a Glove and the Loch Ness Monster

The weather is cold, I guess I will be saying this a lot at present as winter sneaks up my legs and into my brain. Which in turn means I am not entirely paying attention to the things I should be. One good thing is I have discovered that it is possible to type almost as well in gloves as it is not wearing gloves, and in my case that really means I make loads of mistakes in both cases.

I went to see Mr P in the hospital today, I said both to Mr P and to our friend Mr M that I would pop in while Mr P was still in hospital as he only has a couple of visitors and he has now been in hospital just over a year. The local council seem to be messing him around and don’t seem capable of getting his house in a fit state for him to move into, well it has only been a year so far?

I have heard on the grape vine, another silly saying as communicating on grape vines is seriously flawed (which may be the point of the saying I guess) that it is going to be very windy through the middle of the UK that is the proper middle not the Midlands so sort of south of Edinburgh and just north of Chester. There is some talk of trees and ducks having problems and fake Santa’s may have false beards blown off resulting in traumatized small children who will grow up with a fear of the wind at Christmas parties.

Esmeralda who has featured very little in my diary lately has decided to make a Santa trap to prove once and for all whether Father Christmas is real or not, I have to say the large razor sharp steel jaws she is making in metalwork do not look entirely friendly and her plans do remind me a little of her attempt at catching the Loch Ness Monster with a harpoon gun and depth charges. Even now opinion is divided as too whether her conclusive proof  was  the monster or 23 fish suppers dropped by a passing hiker who slipped and fell into the Loch as a result of a very loud bang from high explosives going off at a depth of 500ft.

We have just returned from a lovely meal out where we also met a man with his car slightly upside down making it tricky to drive to say the least.

Pies and the Death of a Small Mouse

Hello yes I am back to write my diary and keep you all up to date with stuff. Well what can I say all is quiet AGAIN, not exactly what you want to hear but sadly this is what is happening. As I have said many times before in this diary, it is a diary and well if you write a diary you have to tell it like it is, not add small embellishments to liven it up . . . . . OK yes I do that a bit, but only a bit, and it would be seriously bad form to add more aliens that we actually see. Luckily I never do, as Mr Jones is the alien hunter, and as a serious alien hunter he sees them almost every other day . . . . but he is a trustworthy alien hunter and who could possibly disbelieve a fanatical alien hunter convinced that all the major world governments have a global conspiracy theory to keep us all in the dark, and he is so dedicated that he does this in the nude even in winter. Anyway I don’t have time to worry about aliens because I need to be on red alert for Zombies, cunning little beasts that they are……

Why did the clairvoyant cross the road?

To get to the other side.

HAH HAH HA HAH hah ah hahah hah ah hahah hah ha hah ah ah ha ha ha hah ha ha ha ha  

Ok yes what have I been up too, well yesterday we were working all out to save a tiny mouse that one of the cats had caught although they both refused to own up to this. It did rally round (that’s recovery a bit not drive a car at speed through loads of mud) but despite apple and some seeds it died last night so was buried this morning. . . . . Flipper the Mouse would have been proud of us.

Last night was Mr Kris’s birthday party sort of meal so we all ate pies, roast potatoes, peas carrots cheesecake, meringue cream and cakes and other stuff; and as there is some left over guess what’s for tea (that’s northern for dinner), YUM.

This morning we set off to one of the local craft fairs with Mrs E but it turned out to be fifty years late (that’s the craft fair not us) or some sort of strange time warp thing must have happened because all the stuff looked a bit like it was made by granny in 1948. After efforts to look like we did not wish to escape we drank a cup of tea and sneaked out and vanished off for a chat and a drink with friends and Mrs E headed off. We decided not to go to the other craft fair just in case, after all there are only so many post war knitted Santa’s and gloves a chap can cope with in one day.

Luckily however the day has ended with another seriously cool looking sunset and I will soon being eating loads of pie and cheesecake and all the Zombie defence systems are fully operational so I can chill (that’s relax not get cold).   

Vegetarians, sheep, sausages and hard places with rocks

Today I have not done a great deal; I am getting to be quite an expert in the noble art of not doing a great deal. Mrs E formally known as Miss I has leapt into action to help Mr M who has been trapped between a hard place (his hospital Bed) and a rock (a pile of rocks in the hospital car park). Luckily though Mr M is being moved from one hospital to another as I type where he will have time to sort things out a bit more, and luckily Mrs E formally known as Miss I was on hand to help pack Mr M’s bag and make sure he was OK for the big move. He will be much nearer his house making things a bit easier for folk to go and see him.

Both Mr M and Mrs E formally known as Miss I are vegetarians as are other folk I know, and our good friend Mr F as come up for the weekend who also has a very healthy diet. So I have had to try and defend the diet of the unhealthy almost single handed today in conversations about food.  As it happens some people have rather odd concepts about who is a vegetarian, all the folk I know are real vegetarians, but I have heard of many vegetarians who eat fish or even chicken and I recently heard of one who ate lamb. This was a new one to me as lamb is hard to justify as vegetarian on most levels, it is after all meat from a beast with four legs that runs about in a field, fish are sometimes eaten on the grounds they don’t have legs or fur and chickens on the grounds they only have half the number of legs of real animals like sheep. But a lamb is a sheep and I rather like lamb so I reckon if lamb is vegetarian then I eat a healthy diet after all as I don’t eat beef, I cant risk the chance of the cows that surround our house finding out because cows are quite big. Although we have chickens living next door also, chickens are smaller and just a bit stupid so I can eat them and they wont know, as it happens I cant eat the chickens next door as the are all rare breed chickens and a bit pricey to eat.

Anyway as I said right at the start I really have not done a thing today and have nothing what so ever to write about; so rather that write a whole load of stuff about stuff of absolutely no interest to man nor beast, like say food and folk who don’t eat beasts I better go . . . . . . . . .AH DAMN  

Sausages for tea . . . . YUM  

The Ritual Feast of Autumn and the Evolutionary Development of the Pointy Stick.

Today has seen two major events to write about, well when I say major I am not referring to world events because at this point in time I have not heard the news today, so will assume that most world events are continuing as predicted (some good, lots of bad, a few happy and lots of sad)……..

No these events are in world terms Micro Events, another good reason for Micro Gods, they are more attuned to the smaller events of the individual. The first was the evolutionary development of the pointy stick; I have warned of such things in my diary in the past and how it can all end in atomic bombs and angry politicians. But this was an evolutionary development for the greater good of man. I have developed a pointy stick saw, a device for trimming trees and small branches out of the reach of mankind.

I have long thought that there is a market for a lightweight telescopic device that you could attach a wood saw or other such items to, in order to reach places that the human arm can not, but I am not aware of anything suitable. Maybe I should go on that Dragons Den TV show and show them my new pointy stick saw. I was able to use my pointy stick saw to trim a few branches that needed trimming that were hanging beyond the Zombie defence system, there is always the worry that one day Zombies will learn to climb trees or scurry about in ventilation shafts.  What ever happened to that Mr Shaft bloke he was the Mr COOL of his day before that annoying Harry Potter chap turned up.

The second major (Micro) event of the day was the Ritual Feast of Autumn where were all celebrate the success of growing our winter supply of food by having a huge feast and eating it all. . . . . . . . These events take place across Britain about now (well in rural communities anyway) and are one of the reasons for the development of the supermarket, since folk discovered they have eaten their entire supply of winter food in a celebratory feast.  Iron age man worked hard at avoiding this happening year on year by shutting down all the stone circles, but of course by then the convenience of convenience food and the rise of the supermarket had taken hold. Lets face it us humans would much rather pop into a nice store and buy stuff than all the agro of chasing a buffalo across a field with a pointy stick, even the revolutionary pointy stick saw…..

Ooooooo Yes Mr S. and Mrs I. came and helped eat all the food, which was good, and Mr S also helped me to establish North, apparently Northern Zombies are more formidable than those down South.  We now plan to chill and do the Sunday things of modern life, although it’s too late to go to IKEA.

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Beef, Pork, French Fries and Fizzy Drinks

Today in our little community it was the valentine’s lunch and we all go, it is less about Valentines Day and more about lunch and there is always loads and loads of food as one would expect from a very rural farming community. One thing I have learnt is that rural communities in general eat better than those in towns, Ok we don’t have all the fancy restaurants but let’s face it the masses do not eat in such places the masses eat thing burgers in well known food chains with skinny little dried up French fries and fizzy drinks.

The bulk of the people at the valentines lunch had beef (real beef from a cow), I have never been a beef fan so I opted for the pork option with roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, stuffing, peas, red cabbage and various other things followed by lemon cheesecake and ice cream with loads of double cream, and it was jolly good too there were seconds and thirds of both courses but I think my towny genetic background let me down so I was unable to keep up with the true locals who polished off several main courses and a few puds.

 However the valentine’s lunch did mean that I was expected to look less dishevelled and scruffy and was told that even in the wilds of the country in general it is not good form to have bits of stuff falling off you at local events. And the odd mouse peering out of your hair during second helping of pudding is a sure way to get banned next year, I have to say that seems rather hard but it did mean I was required to be sort of clean and tidyish.  So that was the morning well and truly used up.

After the meal it is traditional to have a raffle, everyone takes a prize along which is also traditional and so there are loads of prizes, however for some reason I did not understand I did not manage to win any of the prizes even using my cunning trick of increasing my options of winning by rearranging the numbers on my tickets. That has always worked in the past but this time round it seems I just did not have enough fives to cheat (sorry win), next year I may buy my own book of raffle tickets that way I will have all the options ready and will be able to win all the prizes HAH HAHHAH HAH Hah ahh hah ahhah ha hahahhah hahahahha ha hahaha

OK that’s is it for now I am off to have supper some cheese and crackers, a pork pie and various other things  . . . . . . Maybe some twiglets, we all like twiglets YUM.

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How Marie Antoinette's cake started the French Revolution

There is an old saying that says . . . You can’t have your cake and eat it . . . .  but what this saying fails to point out is that you cant eat your cake unless you have a cake to eat in the first place. . . . . You can’t eat a cake you don’t have . . . makes more sense to me. Now I hear some of you saying what is he talking about, first he has a cake he is not planning to eat, then he says he is planning to eat the cake he has not got . . . . IS HE MAD. Well no.

            

You see yesterday unbeknown to yourselves because I did a sneaky and did not write it in my diary HAH HAHHAH HAHHAH Hahhah hah ah ahahhah ah (OOOooo no hang on I did), I made a cake. It was a birthday cake for Miss Barbara the wife of the Ghost Writer who says that if I ever mention her in my mad diary she will sue me for every penny . . .. . . . AH, luckily I have no money so PHEW. Anyway this was not just any cake because it is the first cake I have ever made. And believe it or not it is even edible I have tested it by eating loads of it to be sure it is OK I blamed the teeth marks on mice and antelope, mainly antelope as they have larger teeth.

I did have a recipe to follow but it all looked a bit complex so in the end thought as it was all going to end up in one cake anyway I may as well throw it all in one bowl and mix it up. Apparently I got wine and cake confused according to the dog and it is not traditional to use your feet to mix a cake, but the dog said it was OK because I kept my socks on so it would be fine and we could hide the bits of fluff under the icing.  That’s another thing why call it icing when it does not have ice in it, however I got round that by adding some Bisto which thickened the icing up again and gave it a nice sort of chocolate look. Dad said it is the best Gravy cake he has ever eaten and the Anchovies were an interesting surprise.   

After we had some of the cake, Mrs Ghost Writer said she may keep the cake because if we eat it we can’t keep it, and we need to remember the old saying. .. . . .  You can’t have your cake and eat it . . . . . and as it is truly unique it should be preserved as an example to show to others as an example of what can be done if you don’t follow instructions?

As a reward I got to dig a big hole out in the cold and wet to plant a pear tree that Miss Issy had bought as a present for Mrs Ghost Writer, and then was sent down into the large muddy wet cold hole to dig mud. It is not entirely what I was expecting having made such an interesting cake for everyone but on the plus side everyone said I could have more cake once I was allowed out of the hole. . . . . . . .YUM. Actually it is not the sort of cake you would eat loads of in one go and so I may need to go and lie down for a bit, we are off out later for a meal so that will be WELL COOL. I said I would take everyone there a slice of cake but everyone here has gone AAAAAAuuuuuuuuuuuggggghhhHHHHH a lot.

Apparently according to mum it was a cake just like mine that started the French Revolution when that Marie Antoinette said let them eat cake  . . . . .. WOW 

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The Owl and the Pussy cat

Today is one of those funny days because many have had to start returning to work but those of us still on holiday are pondering what to do. I still have loads of things to eat and so I have made a start on that. For example I managed to polish off that Harry Potter Owl leg at lunch time no problem . . . . . . YUM. And I have a good variety of other things to eat including peanut brittle I have not had peanut brittle for ages it is WELL COOL as long as your teeth don’t fall out while you are eating it. 

I have not managed to get outside much lately because the weather is bad, it was raining again at one point today and more is due. The ground is incredibly boggy and although at first sight it may appear to be fine, if you attempt to stand on the grass you slowly sink into the ground and it turns to a gluttonous muddy mass resulting in rescue attempts using ropes and winches to pull you out of the muddy lawn and back onto the path .

It was a Big Owl

 

I got an interesting key ring fob thing for Christmas which is designed to bleep and flash at you if you whistle, so that if you loose it, a quick chirpy whistle will find it again (as long as it is nearby. But I can’t whistle (OK it’s not my fault I have tried) so I though AH. . . . DAMN but I have discovered that it also responds to coughs and certain people on the television and certain sudden noises and being shouted at as you tell it to shut up because you know where it is. So all in all it is WELL COOL, strangely it refuses to work with other noises even loud ones like clapping or firecrackers or cats tied to a radio controlled model helicopter in a major film re-enactment of Apocalypse Now, that will teach the cats not to snigger at humans hiding under tables on the 21^st December just in case the world ends

So that’s it; that is the days events and now it is a bit too late to add another song from the Ghost Writers musician days when good musicians would call round and tell him he was rubbish and hide his guitars. .  

Goats cheese tarts, Norwegians and subliminal messages.

Today was grey wet and exceedingly dull, not what you would expect bearing in mind that we are getting ever closer to a certain date. And assuming we survive that we then have Christmas and I would rather not have a dull grey wet Christmas day because it will feel very odd indeed. This sort of weather would have ruined the bible. All that, follow that star, obscured by heavy rain clouds and thick grey mist, to yonder stable, the one with the large tarpaulin on the roof next to that bloke who is making a huge ark to put a load of animals in.  Maybe this is why the Norwegians like Raw Cod on Christmas day.

While on the subject of food, we had homemade goat’s cheese tarts for our evening meal. The plan is to build up the immune system to protect us from the arrival of the huge intergalactic cheese slices, interestingly there appeared to be a subliminal message in my meal giving a hint of what the aliens might look like too, so that was very useful.

My day (partly because of the weather) was not a productive one, as I have said previously it is hard to stay motivated on cold grey days and we are very close to the so called shortest day, so called due to it being the day with the least hours of daylight (even less than today . . . . . .YICKS) although if all goes as predicted it might be the shortest day by quite a bit.  

Ok I am off now to protect myself from the lurking cat (Heavy Harry) who has taken to lurking even more, and must have some diabolical master place of his own, possibly to work on his own attempt to take over the world……

Time and one of the Dark Arts

After a day yesterday when we were travelling about in an instantaneous way thanks to The Speed of Dark and the use of a Dark Anti-Light Particle Beam Engine, today we (me) have been brought back down to earth with a bump by one of the Dark Arts.  This has arisen as a result of Esmeralda’s forlorn effort to escape from the maths class the other day by sawing off two legs of her desk. So today at school I have been assigned the job of assembling a new Flat Pack School Desk with Integrated Storage from IKEA. As dark arts go the assembly of flat pack furniture is one that would scare even the cleverest of men (even Professor Brian Cox).  This is a task that has its own effect on time, because it seems to take an eternity to do, I was working away for hours and finally thought I had got the legs attached to the top and was scratching my head about the storage thinking I have been here for hours I will miss the bus home if I don’t pay attention. But the reality was it was only twenty minutes, I then battled on for what felt like a few more hours and was wondering what the bits left over were for, only to have the headmaster pop his head round the door and say. Well done rob z tobor less than an hour, very impressive but I think you have put it together wrong . . . . . . .

WHAT?

So I dismantled it and pondered all the bits again, you see there was one thing missing one very important item and that was the assembly instructions so it was all an up hill struggle. Anyway the hours passed and I finally got all the legs attached to the top correctly and started on the storage. It felt like had been there all day and half the night by then; but based on my earlier miscalculation of time I estimated it must be lunch time so thought time for a bite to eat and wandered off to the canteen. Unfortunately there was no one there so I thought I must be early and decided to check on the rest of the class but it turned out by then I had been there all day and everyone had gone home and it was Dark outside, a dark beam of darkness not shining in through the window making everything dark .. . . . . . . . .AH . . . . .DAMN.

ON the bright side because dad thinks I have been doing extra swotting at school he has given me a packet of Dark Chocolate Coated Peanuts as a treat which I am eating as I type. . . . . . .YUM

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The curse of Granny and Knitted Jumpers in a post apocalyptic world, and a chicken

After all that politics yesterday things have returned to normal today, Esmeralda  was complaining that it is rather cold; which, when most of you is made of stainless steel is hardly surprising. And although she has an array of nano-electronics and miniature steam powered parts, it does not help that these are kept cool by fans (the rotating ones not the screaming ones). Her mum has made her a silly woolly hat with ears so she looks like a Dalek with a rabbit’s head something that you would think would make most of the class snigger at.

But due to the cold, Freddie is wearing a ferret hat, Freddie’s ferret is wearing a Freddie hat. Henry is wearing a knitted giraffe hat although it keeps hitting the teacher when Henry turns round, and the teacher is wearing a Panda hat. I arrived wearing a mutant zombie hat but because it is a knitted mutant zombie hat with a smiley face it is not quite as scary as it should be.  In fact modern knitting is not as scary in general as it use to be, once upon a time if granny said she was knitting you a jumper for Christmas it would instil fear and anxiety as you worried about how many arms it would have or where the hole for your head might end up. And if you were really unlucky it would have a huge snarling stag or reindeer on the front with pink antlers surrounded by snow flakes.

I have been wearing the ghost writers old coat that was half eaten by a mouse so it is full of holes; granny said she plans to knit a selection of small shrews which she will sew into all the holes to keep the draft out. I have told granny that it will make me look like some sort of mouse toy that you buy from the pet shop, but granny says I need to wrap up warm and remain cosy and that drafts course all sorts of sickness like plague and flu. I did say to granny that she does not always wear twenty layers of clothes and a bobble hat but she told me that is because she has a bottle of gin each day to keep of the cold.

We are off for a meal tonight at Big Bill's Greasy Fur Ball Café where I hope to have the worlds greatest fish and chips, it is to celebrate the fact we have lived in our new house for one year, well it will be one year tomorrow at 4.00pm because we had to wait for ages for the little old lady to get her bits out. This was due to the fact her removal men were total rubbish.

The Ghost Writer has said I can take the printer I helped him fix to the recycling dump tomorrow because I ruined it totally, luckily however he has another one to look at now so I have promised him I will help. After all it is not easy to fix a printer with a  thick indigo knitted polo jumper with a Viking on the front holding an Osprey and  SupperMan in large sparkly green letters embossed across the middle. He has to wear it from time to time or his granny gets upset and hits him with an umbrella until he puts it on.

     

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Werewolfs in pink leotards and cheese cake

After the Harvest Moon of last night which was well bright to say the least where just as I was about to abandon my efforts to see a werewolf, I suddenly noticed three of them creeping out of the woods wearing pink leotards, it was that sort of night. Anyway they started dancing and acting as an acapella harmony backing group to the owls who were singing that damn silly song by Tiny Tim, I think it is a cunning plan to undermine the authoritarian responsible message that my diary represents. Lets face it werewolf’s in leotards is just not normal and portrays no moral message what so ever, in fact it might be quite the opposite I am still working that out as I type.  No I can’t work that out so I will ignore it; anyway they vanished with a loud howl although it was in harmony down a tunnel entrance, which just goes to show you need to watch where you walk in a field full of cows. I can remember being told to watch where I was walking in a field full of cows when I was very very young and I always wondered why.

Have I ever mentioned that the Ghost Writer a long time ago used to be a UFO pilot and flew his UFO hundreds of miles annoying all sorts of things like Octopus and Cod; I don’t think I have, although I have now . . . . . .

OK what was I talking about AH yes the harvest Moon; well today was the local Harvest dinner where everyone gets together and eats loads, they really do eat loads even me who eats loads did not eat as much as some of the other people eating loads. And then the folk who had cooked all the food said there was loads more and we could all have seconds but I was by then totally full, although I did manage a large piece of cheese cake and a thing with puff pastry and cream for pud. That however was a few hours ago so I think it is time to eat more food now YUM. . . . . . . .   

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Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café and the Daleks

We are going out tonight to the internationally famous Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café to have a meal, however there is a large party eating there tonight having the special set menu of slow roasted Pterodactyl and mashed potato and peas. It is always a bit of a risk this menu because everyone wants a wing and there are only two of them and when there are nearly twenty eating it can cause a bit of agro. Anyway I will return to this a bit later.

At school they have already started to discuss the Christmas play, yes it is far too early, but autumn is starting to creep in fairly quickly. One of the first signs is the chicken has started to get his winter coat, not a good sign and the pheasants have returned, not the same pheasants as last year because well to put it bluntly they got shot and eaten. If any of you remember the re-enactment of the battle of the Alamo you will know the awful truth. Have you noticed that nature is not nice, and that quite often man in not nice although I am a bit nice sometimes.

OK what was I saying?  . . . . . . . . . . . Ah yes the Christmas play for reasons that make little if any sense (mainly because I have not thought of them yet) we are considering doing something nativity based and in the light of what can only be called one of the best impressions anyone has ever done in our school we are considering, The Baby Jesus and the Daleks.

Yes only the other day while we were all running along the corridor being shouted at by the History teacher for running along the corridor, Esmeralda got into a huff and did one of the best impressions we have ever heard, shouting exterminate exterminate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . … …EXterminnnnnnnaaaaaaatteeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, at the teacher who ran and hid for the rest of the day. So at that point the seeds of a Dalek based nativity play were sown.  The problem is the headmaster is a bit worried and says it might be best if we leave out the baby Jesus because religion and Daleks have never mixed well and lets face it followers of religion are not always that tolerant of Daleks and visa versa, Daleks are not really tolerant of anything as it happens.  Anyway the idea is still in its infancy at present as would be the baby Jesus if he was still in the nativity play which he is not on a health and safety consideration, and without the baby Jesus the nativity play might have to become just a play, although it will still include coincidences, murmuring and gold and a goat. When I say it will I mean it might or it might not…..

Ooooooo time to go see you later …………….   

I have returned from my meal at Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café is was brill, I started with tiger in batter, then had pork with pear thingy and stuff and then shared a slice of lemon tart and  am now well stuffed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Personally I think it is the best place to eat in the world. I did not have fish and chips tonight because I wanted to confuse everyone. And I also got to see their blue dog which was not scary although I don’t know whose arm it had but it was not going to drop it…….   

Time to run off now, goodnight all 

The official first day of Autumn, Olympic tickets and a veggie curry

It appears that July 16^th is now the first official day of Autumn; yes a bit of a shock for everyone in the UK particularly as the end of this week is the first day of the summer holidays, or as they will be known from now on Autumn holidays. Yes it is now officially OK to start your Christmas shopping and getting your Christmas tree, a small word of advice, look for a tree that is floating high in the flood water is shows it is young and perky and will not drop every single needle on your living room floor until at least halfway through boxing day.

Not only is the impending holiday about to turn the minds of teenagers into the minds of teenagers but we are all about to head off on an odyssey called the Olympics, Not just any Olympics but the muzak filled, damp London Olympics. I don’t live near London and am yet to discover if I will be part of the event. The Media have told me everyone will be part of the event although if you wish to get in it will cost loads of money ………… AH, it appears the Opening ceremony still has seats available at the very modest and amusing price of £2012:00, O yes how we laughed when we heard of the committee’s witty pricing structure. They have now got the army to protect the perimeter fence but me and the dog plan to sail over the fence during the afternoon monsoon in a cunning plan to save £4024 pounds.

Talking of dogs I have learnt the it has been worked out scientifically that a average sized dog is the environmental equivalent to owning two 4X4,s  the dog says this is an insult and he is equal to at least three Jumbo jets and he now plans to write and complain (jumbo jets Com Plane…. HA H HA HHA Ha  HA HHA HA HH AH HAH HAhh ah hhaha hah hah ah hah ha hah hah hah ha ). A cat it appears is equal to a family salon, although I am not sure of make of colour.

Oooo you might have noticed I wrote ‘the MUZAK filled, damp London Olympics’ , just thought I would warn you, just in case……. And home made  veggie curry for tea YUM.

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Catching the Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia

CRICKS we appear to have a Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia in our cellar, the dog says the cats (Heavy Harry and Sooty) caught it and then it crept off into the cellar. Dad says they are clever critters and can consume a tin of cat food in a couple of seconds and will cut the tin open themselves…. COOL. I think the cats must have been creeping about in the crypt of the church and got it confused or cornered cos they eat cats.   

It appears the cats thought is was some sort of Chinese Coach roach and were very (to put it mildly) Cock a hoop particularly as it had just eaten the Chaplin’s (the Rev Clark) Cockerel and Cocker spaniel, a coconut and a pair of cycle clips.  Clearly caution is needed it all reminds me of the film “The Creeping Unknown” at a Cinema near you sometime in the last Century. I’m sure the creature in that was a bit like Cyclops with the one eye. I have added the Youtube clip to make a comparison

Dad is constructing a steam powered catapult and the dog drinking a cup of tea and is consulting his chemistry set to make a complex chemical compound using chloroform to choke or Kill (Dam wrong K) the  Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia.  The Church Choir are chanting “Catch the Carnivorous Cave Crab of Cambodia” while chewing cake and mum has suggested we set   Arnold the Android Anarchist from the Letter A on it and see who wins ………Well COOL

OOoooooooooo by the way …….. COUS COUS, cabbage and Chinese Chicken Curry with Cheddar CHEESE for Tea tonight …………………….. YUM

C whose a clever chappie then ……………… Mum has just said IDIOT (sorry CLOT) 

Y Yesterday Why today and Y not a Yeti in Yarrow with a Yucca

Yesterdays brilliant idea of going to school this morning dressed as a yellow Yeti in a yashmak was yet another youthful error. At this time of year you should not be sunning yourself on your yacht in Yarrow eating Yams and Yogart with temperatures similar to that of the Yemen, (YICKS). We did build a Yurt in the school yard and Esmeralda found a yak to catapult over the roof, but generally it was a useless Y day, Why?

Still after a lot of yawning and yapping by a young Yorkshire terrier and yet more thinking, I came up with a better brilliant idea than the Brilliant idea of a yellow YODELING YETI so when I got home from school I had the following conversation with Mum

ME.   I have a plan, if I pretend I’m three you can tell me interesting things

But mum said Y ……..(WHY)

ME.   Because it’s a cunning plan to use the letter Y

But mum said Y …….  (WHY)

ME.   Well because if you ask a young child a question, they always ask Y

But mum said Y (WHY)

ME.   Well childen are programmed to say Y to everything until they annoy everyone so much we all yell at them

But mum said Y ……. (WHY)

ME.   Now look here mum your not being fair I am getting very frustrated now

But mum said Y …… (WHY)

ME.   Right I am going to ask you a question you can’t say Why to

But mum said Y ……. (WHY)

ME.   OK then what letter in the Alphabet comes between X and Z . HA HAHAH ah hah haahh ah hahh hah hhah

But mum said Why …….(Y)

ME.   Dam; I didn’t think that through very well did I

But mum said IDIOT

ME.   Ah ………..

Apparently there is a Yugoslavian with a Yoyo and a Yucca doing Yoga and making references to Ying and Yang at the front door

Yippee I can go now …….YES..

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29th Feb 2012 the launch of Britain’s first manned flight into space

Please note this is not a fake picture I took it as I said today

We are out for a meal in a bit, what with it being leap year and today is that extra day. It sounds great an extra day, only its an extra school day so I am still pondering whether I end up just doing one more day at school. Still it was an interesting day as Esmeralda with assistance from class 16AB+ celebrated the 29^th Feb with the launch of Britain’s first manned flight into space. Well I say manned because as everyone pointed out the school mascot, the Goat is the same weight as a man.

I even got a fairly good photograph of the rocket as it was approaching the height to jettison the boaster jets required for takeoff. Thanks to the mathematics teachers it was worked out they would fall to earth in Mr Evans the farmer’s field which they did, it was unfortunate that the sheep were standing where they were at the time. But on the bright side it was roast lamb and crackling for lunch YUM, although the slight aroma of aviation fuel did put some of the girls off.

The flight was going well right up to the point that mission control, the geography class said to the goat have you read the manual yet. Even I knew that was a mistake the goat only knows a few words and red is one of them. So it hit the red button and the next thing you know, we see the goat quietly parachuting into the fresh vegetables section of the out of town supermarket (again). Still although the goat did not make it into space and the US air force shot down the rocket for infringing USA airspace, it appears the Goat now holds the world record height attained by a goat in a rocket.

The Lemming of Petrograd have had a great day they love leap years and have celebrated in the traditional lemming way. They love a great party of leaping off things after a few Russian vodka’s but as mum says they will regret it in the morning. Still they have four years to recover.

Oooooo by the way I got to saw a 25ft tree down, yes I know sawing down trees sounds bad but it was growing into some power lines and everyone thought who is stupid enough to try and saw that down. So I thought WELL COOL, anyway it was only 25,000 volts or was it 250,000 volts?

It was a nice day for a leap year

The family, that's fourteen of us all descending on Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Cafe for an evening meal SOON VERY SOON

I know at times people think I write the odd thing that may appear unreal and sometimes I bend boring old normality a bit so I am sure you will be interested to hear I was having a discussion with one of my fellow Mushroom experiment people who has told me that they are moving their mushrooms to the garage but are going to wrap them up in a blanket with a hot water bottle to keep them warm.

This may seem like a strange thing to do but there is logic in this madness because after all, when all said and done none of us are actually mad. 


Because their box is now turning into the Quatermass experiment and the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus have been joined by the by a mass influx of Strange Flying Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus, it seems only logical to be cautious and make sure they can not get out and eat you in the middle of the night. But there is also a high risk of snow for reasons I explained only the other day (well sometime fairly recently anyway)

Talking of things getting out and eating you in the middle of the night, leads me to tonight as our family is on a mass eat out, yes fourteen of us all descending on Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Cafe to cause chaos and eat all his food.  I suspect it will all end in large bones and enty plates and a lifetime ban for most of the family like last time when Uncle Fred set fire to the head waiter in a battle of wits with Great Great Granny.

Well that is about it I need to look sort of shabby posh so I can get past the bouncers and this needs a bit of time so I must go. OK CHAPS OVER THE TOP……. ……… …….GOOD LUCK SEE YOU BACK IN BLIGHTY. Mum just said IDIOT

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