Poetry for Zombie Penguins

Beware the terrible cursed Zombie Penguin

That will sneak up on you from Behind

And Peck out all your brains

Enjoying all the chewy bits it FindZZZZZzzzzz

But folk laugh at me, when I warn them

That the Zombie Penguin is real and does Exist

And say I am a loony

And by the Loony Fairy I have been Kissed

But when the Zombie Penguin

Gets them and they Die . . . . (HAH AHAha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

I will laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh

As all their parents all start to Cry

And even if they shout at me

And insist that I should instantly desist

I will say at making snowmen they were rubbish

And they will probably not be missed

(Yes OK it is not always easy to be nice or write poetry)

You see I know a lot about Zombie Penguins

Because I breed them in a cage

And when small children annoy me

I get the Zombie Penguins

To attack them in a rage

And although the police have warned me

I need a licence for such aggressive Pets

Every time I try to get one

The Zombie Penguins eat up all the Vets

But they are rather large

And expensive Beasts to keep

So I might get something

a little smaller

Like a Vampire Opossum

Which like the Killer Hampster

Spends most of the day

Asleep

The April A to Z . . . . A final word before it all starts

In a few days time it will be April and here on the blog I will be partaking in the annual Blogging A to Z, a popular little jolly that is done by a fairly large group of bloggers many of which do it each year. As I write this the list is at about 1400 which is a great deal less than last year but I have to say this is not a surprise as I have a feeling that the glory days of blogging are over and it is getting much quieter. OK maybe it is just that everyone is avoiding me at present and running away due to my rather uninteresting blog and bad tie pin (I mean typing).  As a stubborn maverick sort of chap I have to say this is not a problem because those who do hang in there are a jolly nice bunch of folk, although I really think they should be sending more cash through the post, and not that home made stuff with pictures of Pterodactyls on one side and the queen wearing a pirates hat on the other. 

Now I have written all but two of the posts for this A to Z as I will also be on the prowl as an Ambassador in the A to Z for Mr B (the mastermind behind the thing). This means I’m sort of a policeman making sure all is well. In fact I would like to think of myself as a sleeping policeman because I am an irritating lump in the middle of the road and I will be doing a lot of sleeping, However the good news is I can be persuaded to overlook any transgressions of the rules if a plain brown envelope full of money turns up in my letter box. Lets not think of this as bribery more a friendly donation to my retirement fund from a friend, I think folk will see that as acceptable, I know I do.

So what of this A to Z . . . . . What interesting thing have I written about. . . . Well I am writing the A to Z of the Strange, Unknown and possibly slightly unreal Victorian Explorers and Inventors. This is a tale of bizarre inventions, collaborations between inventors, it will see men thrown down mine shafts or dashed against pointy rocks in the sea. It will also see the deaths of some in the pursuit of their dreams, madness and penguins, Sensational court cases involving unspeakable things, the crushing of ego’s and a murder of passion.  This will be 26 short stories that are linked together by friendship, revenge, madness and various other things, it will in short be my best A to Z ever and possibly my very last. Who can tell, but right now I feel I have used up all my ideas, these  A to Z things eat ones mind; I may sit in the freezer with a bicycle wheel on my head and pretend to be a penguin. . . . That will become clear as April passes.

Good luck to those attempting this task it’s a big one.   

The Final Part (part 4) of Harry Potter and the Penguin

Link to PART THREE

After a quiet night resting at Hogwarts Higgs, Alice and the White Rabbit walk out into the central courtyard to assess the day, it is snowing heavily and Alice and the White Rabbit look up into the greyness of the day. Young Higgs however is watching Hagrid scurrying about looking in holes and under things, it is then that he realises that there are no penguins to be seen anywhere.

Young Higgs says THEY'RE GONE and as he does so Hagrid runs across and says THEY'RE GONE, as the four of them look round a small figure runs into Hogwarts struggling through the snow. It is Bilbo from Bilbo Laggings Ltd, he is exhausted and says I need to see Harry potter straight away its terrible they are destroying the Shires.

Young Higgs asks who is.

It’s the White Witch, three of the Professors and hundreds of thousands of those Penguins, I thought they were cute but no its terrible I CAN'T speak of it but they are coming this way.

As Harry and Hermione come out to see what is happening and Bilbo jibbers his tale at them Alice, the White rabbit and Young Higgs prepare to head off to meet the White Witch out in the open. We are coming too says Hermione I suspect this situation needs some real wizards.

Well I'M not sTaying here says Hagrid I have several cute penguins to look after and I DON'T want them getting hurt in some wizard battle.

As the group head north they eventually find themselves on a snow covered hill where in the far distance they can see movement, tiny specs at first but then the figure of the White Witch, Professor Seriously White Professor Penguinus Webfoot White and Professor John Lewstore White a hunchbacked assistant called Quasimodo and hundreds of thousands of cute fluffy penguins slowly but surely get closer and closer.

As the White Witch and her army arrive at the small band consisting of Young Higgs, Alice, The White Rabbit, Hagrid, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger she laughs HAH AH HAH HA HAH ah ha hah ah hahha ha ha ha ha hah a hah ah ah h ha hahha ha hah ahaah hah ah ah ah ah haa h hah ah h h hah aah in a mad hysterical way and says I plan to distoy the lot of you but I plan to start with that really annoying White Rabbit. . . . I hate White Rabbits.

As she looks at the group she notices that Alice is wearing exactly the same coat as she is. . . WHAT WHERE DID you get that coat How dare you come to a battle wearing the same coat as me I will destroy you next.

AH sorry about that Miss Alice I DIDN'T expect that said Hagrid the White Witch looking very angry at him Anyway your army is an army of cute fluffy rabbits I DON'T think you will get very far with them they are my pals and cute.

The conversation is interrupted by the sound of a boy singing

We're walking in the air

We're floating in a moonlit sky

The people far below

Are sleeping as we fly

As everyone looks up to see what it is they see Jim the cabin boy holding the hand of a snowman flying through the sky above them

Hagrid looks at the Penguins and says Look they are looking all lustful again they like Jim.  But with that the Penguins suddenly fire terrible death lasers from their eyes destroying the snowman and Jim in an instant . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN I was not expecting that either AH said Hagrid.

As the White Witch Laughs madly again both Harry and Hermione try to cast spells on the White Witch but it proves futile.  She laughs again and the holding her hand out shouting in a very very loud voice

I am INDESTRUCTIBLE you see I have the RING; I Have the Arctic Seal. . . . . .

Well if there is one thing you should never shout out loud in front of a huge group of Penguins it is Arctic Seal and as she does they panic and run about attempting to escape. as they do so the White Rabbit steps forward holding his trusty samurai sword in readiness. The White Witch sends a huge bolt of wizard lightning stuff in a huge arc of lights and fire and smoke which engulfs the White Rabbit as it makes contact with the end of the samurai sword.  The White Witch at first looking very pleased and stark staring mad. But the White Rabbit is not affected and as the huge arc of lightning and wizard stuff flashes and glows between them, then the White Witch starts to char slightly and starts to lift off the ground.

Hermione says I DON'T understand what is happening

Well says Alice the White Rabbit is in fact an Arctic Hare and the power of the ring the so called Arctic seal is the very power that he uses to live. He will just get stronger and he hates the White Witch because all these coats of hers are made from Arctic Hares, the ring knows this also so she is about to die.

As Alice speaks the Witch is spun high into the air screaming and explodes into a million tiny Christmas tree decorations which fall to earth around the group.

Professor Seriously White Professor Penguinus Webfoot White and Professor John Lewstore White run to the woods to hide but a strange roar is heard. What was that says Harry and Alice says I think it was a Jabberwock

As they stand on the hill it stops snowing and in the distance a strange figure wearing a red coat on a sledge pulled by an odd looking beast with antlers and a red nose approaches

HAR HAR HAR  Merry Christmas I be Santa this year HAR HAR HAR says Captain Silver And Lassie be dressed up as Bambi or what ever that reindeer be called.

With the sight of Santa the Penguins know it is time to return to the Antarctic and head off on mass off into the distance to do what penguins do.

Here I do Have one question said Captain Silver Have any of you seen that Scally-wag Jim the Cabin Boy he was making a snowman one minute and then he vanished.

The group all look at one another and shake their heads before they all return to Hogwarts.

The END . . . .or is it . . . .  

PART TWO of Harry Potter and the Curse of the Penguin

Link to Part One 

Young Higgs is battling his way across the arctic tundra towards Hogwarts Academy using Mr Silvers Sledge pulled by the faithful Lassie who is keen but a bit rubbish as a Husky so making progress is slow. Elsewhere in the Kingdom however far to the North past The Black Gate of Mordor in the huge Winter Palace of St Petersburg home of The White Witch a small group were reviewing their great master plan.

Well said the White Witch our plan is working those stupid muggles and wizards have been distracted by those cute fluffy penguins. I never thought they would be so foolish.

YES your Highness They are proving to be rather popular and the adult Muggles are even crying over them the fools HAH HAHH HAH Ahah ha ha ha hah ah ah ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ahah ha hah ah ha hah ah ah said Professor John Lewstore White

Indeed said Professor Seriously White soon it will be winter for ever and no one will be able to do anything about it. Once the power of the Ring; the famous Artic Seal of Winter is in our grasp we will rule everything for ever 

Professor Penguinus Webfoot White adding Even Harry Potter is unaware of our plans, although Miss Granger is in a Strop again but She has been going on about Mary poppins turning up so I think she is going mad.

Nearby a strange kangaroo looking creature and a wild looking mancky dishevelled dog called Muttley sit looking out of a window muttering and chewing a soft fluffy cute looking Penguin.  The White Witch looks across at the beasts and shouts

No Harry Potter has not fallen down the old Mine shaft you stupid Kangaroo, how many times must I tell you.

suscchin Ruthin Huthin nuthin buuther tuther Smuther . nuthin buuther tuther Ruthin Huthin nuthin mutters Muttley or something similar, while the kangaroo shakes his head and looks to heaven in a knowing way.

Meanwhile back at Hogwarts as Young Higgs arrives the academy professors are pulling Harry Potter out of an old abandoned mineshaft which has opened up in one of the playing fields.

As Harry and Miss Granger watch young Higgs arrive Miss Granger asks Where is that woman the one who looks like Mary Poppins and that Big Rabbit with the knife.

AH I think we need a mirror a big one and a thing said Young Higgs

Well we have a big mirror says Harry we have the Mirror of Erised, but it is not good to look at that too long

And what sort of thing do you need says Hermione What about a spoon, full of sugar HAH HAHAH HAH Ahah ha ha ha hah ah ha hah ah ah ha ha ha hahah ah hahha ahah ah har

No I know says Young Higgs I need a fez and a false moustache

Both Harry and Hermione say what?

But after sniggering and a bit of magic they supply both items which Young Higgs puts on.

As Young Higgs stands in front of the mirror looking into it he says You see there they are.

Yes everyone says that Higgs. it’s the mirror, it’s what it does. . . says Hermione IT MAKES. . . . . . . .. 

But before she can finish her sentence leaping out of the mirror performing several summersaults and holding large samurai swords appear Alice and the Large White Rabbit.

HELLO MASTER HIGGS says Alice, the White Rabbit nodding. What’s the adventure this time, and why are you wearing a false Moustache and a fez?

You’re Looking VERY LARA croft says Harry Potter looking at her in a strange fluffy Penguin sort of way as Hermione looks daggers at him 

To Be Continued 

Link to PART THREE

PART ONE of Harry Potter and the Curse of the Penguin

Life for Young Higgs Dumblecox in London after his adventure where he saved the great Harry Potter, now the Headmaster at Hogwarts Academy is fairly peaceful. He often pops in to the strange old bookshop located down a small passage reached by walking through the wall between W H Smiths and M&S finding all sorts of interesting books which he buys with his pocket money at the modest price of five pence a time. It appears inflation in the world of wizards has been very low for hundreds of years meaning young Higgs is rather wealthy once he vanishes into the wizard world. 

Then he starts to notice that in the world of the muggles and the world of wizards both are starting to fill up with cute fluffy Penguins. His dad Professor Brian Dumblecox putting the whole thing down to Quantum Mechanics and says that the Penguins will vanish as fast as they arrived, so young Higgs thinks no more about it other than . . . . I don’t like Penguins. . . . although he has to keep this a secret because both muggles and wizards seem to be getting more and more attached to the beasts as they waddle about eating fish and making a terrible mess of the pavements.  Then one morning as he looks out of his bedroom window he sees a flamingo walking down the road heading towards his house.  There is a loud tapping sound on the front door and young Higgs runs down the stairs and opens the door where a flamingo is standing with a letter addressed to Master Higgs Dumblecox. Well that is dead exciting thinks young Higgs and he quickly opens the envelope

Which says

Dear Master Dumblecox

For reasons none of us can explain here, the great oracle of all things which we turn to in moments of terrible trouble has told us that we need to ask for your assistance. It would be much appreciated therefore if you could come to Hogwarts academy sharpish where we can tell you of our plight. And apparently the Oracle says bring Alice and that large White Rabbit with you.  And we really don’t know why it says they should turn up, but Hermione is fuming so don’t say I didn't warn you OK.

Regards

Harry Potter

Headmaster

As young Higgs wanders into the station of Kings Cross he is left with a dilemma. How does he get into the ladies toilet to pass unnoticed to catch the Hogwarts Express and how does he contact Alice and the White Rabbit. The first of these problems is resolved when a large flock of small fluffy Penguins waddle up and down the platforms distracting the masses who rush to see them with small children hugging the beasts and grown adults spontaneously bursting into tears for no reason.  Allowing young Higgs to enter the ladies toilet and leap through the mirror onto the platform of the Hogwarts Express.

Its you again Master Higgs said the Station Master

Yes I have to get to Hogwarts it’s very important although I don’t know why yet

Oooo you sound just like that Zaphod Beeblebrox he was here once with his heads and all that 42 stuff. But we threw him out for drinking. His Robot is still in the Waiting room

In the waiting room young Higgs sees an android sitting looking very very very depressed

I have a brain the size of a planet you know, I suppose you are looking for Alice and a White Rabbit.

Gosh yes

Do you know I have ordered one million three hundred and forty two cups of coffee so far while I have been sat here and do you know how many I have drunk.

AH NO

None of them . . . and do you know why

AH NO.

I'M an Android I can’t drink.

So why did you order them

They say I can’t stay unless I order a coffee at least once every few hours.

What about Alice and the White Rabbit.

I’m very depressed you know I can tell you don’t care. And your train is about to leave.

But what about Alice

Mirrors what you need is a mirror and a

With that the train slowly starts to move and Young Higgs is forced to leave the robot and run to his seat as fast as possible.

I knew he DIDN'T CARE says the Android as he orders another coffee

Settling into his seat on the Hogwarts Express he was still unsure just how he was going to contact Alice, but as the train pulled into Hogmeade Station he hears the faint voice of what appeared to be the Cheshire Cat buried under a deep snow drift saying.

Nought from the Greeks towards me hath sped well.

So now I find that ancient proverb true,

Foes' gifts are no gifts: profit brings thy none

Beware thee Fluffy Penguins cute.

the Mirror of Erised Of they You need.

Well that’s odd says young Higgs as he steps out of the train and into a very deep snow drift and a bitterly cold wind from the North. As he struggles down the Quayside to Silvers Water Taxi’s he is confronted by Captain Silver shouting at his crew, the Zombie Pirates

Stop playing with those fluffy Penguins, What kind of impression do you think it gives.

But they are well cute Captain.

Cute . . . . cute we are Pirates we don’t do cute.

But look captain they are smiling and looking lustfully at Jim the CABIN BOY.

As the Captain turns and sees Young Higgs he says HAR HAR HAR  Master Higgs we’ll ney be able to take you to Hogwarts the lake is Well frozen, but I can lend thee a pair of Snow boots, A bottle of rum and a sledge pulled by my faithful dog Lassie HA R HA R AHR A a a HAR HAR

RUFF . . . . wag tail.

TO BE CONTINUED 

Link to PART TWO