How to be a successful writer. . . An Easy to Follow Short Guide.

The world of blogging or to be more accurate my world of blogging has hit a brick wall as it appears everyone except the very very hardiest have run off to read the blogs of other folk. I am not sure why this has happened it is all very strange indeed. But I am not downhearted as it gives me an incentive to explore the minds of those folk who have run off elsewhere, in what will probably be a futile effort to make then return and read things again. Well maybe read just the one post and then run off again.

So what is it that will turn the eye of a hardened blogger?  Well as has been mentioned recently by Miss Lily one of the main subjects that bloggers flock to like moths to a lamp post (something I either blogged about or was in my head to write about and I forgot?), is how to write a book. Not just any book though, but a highly successful book that folk will buy in their millions making the writer a wealth person, allowing then to sit in book shops signing books or better still write a blog about how to write a  successful book.

The principles are fundamentally easy so it is possible to miss out the whole write a successful book bit, I mean Einstein’s Physics teacher did not write Einstein’s Principles of Physics but without his teachers he would have become a train driver or something like that. So it is that I can tell you exactly what you need to do to be that successful writer.

Firstly a good book and a successful book may not exactly be the same, sounds odd but sadly very true. Let’s face it Fifty Shades of Grey might have been successful but many have said it written rather badly. . . . I do not know as I have never read it.  It is the sort of book I have no interest in reading, and this is the next rather important point, certain types of book attract more readers that others. Adult romantic fiction is read by huge numbers of women around the world and I guess a percentage of men. Books like Harry Potter appealed too many from teenagers to adults and still does (written rather well), and wizards and Magic are again a subject that is very popular. There is also science fiction, period drama and various mixes of the lot. So pick your target audience with care, appealing to gay unicyclists who love cats if fine and you might write a brilliant book that will be bought by 99% of your target audience, but if that target audience is small then you can kiss success goodbye unless someone thinks HANG ON a film about gay unicyclists who love cats, now that has legs . . . . . . . (and a wheel).

Another important point is editing. You will need a well edited book (I never edit stuff COS), it is not for the readers, but for the publishers. Publishers are a funny lot who will say things like O he wrote there not their or where not we’re or wear or so on and so on. I mean most readers like a good story, and life in reality is not edited and folk write and talk badly in life, but publishers just don’t like it so to get published you need to play the game and write proppper like what I did (sorry doo).

Remember adding some graphic sex and sweaty bodies that heave and have huge yearning swollen parts appears to help loads but not in children’s books, and anyway there are only so many things you can do with a can of squirty cream and a pair of bicycle clips, although it might help if you are appealing to those gay unicyclists who love cats, they are little terrors you know when they are not on their unicycles chasing the cats about with a tin of pilchards.

My final tip is what ever you do, do not write like me or it will all end it a terrible melodrama with Zombies chasing you, and JK Rowling and Steven Spielberg telling you to GO AWAY AND TAKE THOSE PESKY SEAGULLS WITH YOU.

So there you have it everything you ever needed to know about how to write a successful book and all entirely free in one small-ish blog post. . . . 

Yes I'm sorry . . . .  this is a child friendly blog and I have left you having an awkward conversation trying to explain what bicycle clips are for. 

Of Mice and Man Flu . . . . .

As some or possibly none of you will know. . . No some of you will because I have let it be known, I am suffering slightly with Man Flu. Now I could do the true brit stiff upper lip thing as say. . . ITS only a mere scratch and will not make a bit of difference and soldier on, but hey I’m a man (O YES I AM) with Man Flu so I have decided that is not the thing to do. I mean what will the other chaps with Man Flu say if I let the side down and don’t turn into a gibbering idiot talking complete nonsense while crashed out in a cosy chair drinking tea, eating left over Christmas Chocolate Santa’s and maybe watching mindless television while groaning that only another chaps understand Man Flu. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  Actually I might avoid the mindless television; I am not quite that bad yet.

So I have decided to write a delirious blog post as my brain drifts in and out of its battle with this highly underrated (by anyone who is not a chap) affliction that us chaps get.  My first problem though is how do I known I am delirious or not, it’s not as simple as it might appear. I have tried shouting Aaaaauuugghhh no get it away from me its terrible all those legs and pointy teeth, but it was made very clear that there was nothing with legs or pointy teeth anywhere to be seen and my rambling argument that it is hiding under the sofa was met with YOU ARE AN IDIOT rather than you are a delirious genius with Man Flu I will get you more tea and some cake. . .

As for the cats they are rubbish and as sympathetic as a cat who is hungry and wants his dinner. . . I have told the cat he can eat the terrible thing under the sofa with pointy teeth and many many legs.  But no it wants his proper food and not the cheap stuff but the posh stuff in a clean bowl served using a silver spoon while I overt my eyes from his looks of anger.

I’m sure that there is some terrible thing under the sofa I will groan loudly and point a finger in a pathetic way at the remains of a party popper sticking out and indicate that I think the terrible thing is making a nest and is out to get me while I am weak and feeble-ish.

As for drawing well there is no chance of a fresh drawing until my arms return to their original weight and I am able to lift them more than a few inches. I have asked for a straw saying that my mug does not reach my mouth due to some alien force field or I may have been bitten by that beast under the sofa.  It appears these are not good things to tell the local doc at the end of a phone when they ask for symptoms, and a useful tip for other chaps is don’t tell a female doctor that its OK for her she cant get Man Flu so will never truly understand. . .  I mean Paracetamol what sort of a response is that. . . . . . . .

AAAAUUUGHHHH No its on the ceiling now and glowing at me with its terrible eyes and it is posed to pounce or leap or maybe drop onto my head and suck my brains out . . . . . . AAuuuuuuggghhhhhh. . . . .

WHAT . . . . Ceiling light, I can’t believe that the next thing I’ll get told is that the switch on the wall will turn it out . . . . . . WOW it did . . .  or maybe it didn’t and I am in a delirious state and it really is some beast with glowing eyes about to attack

Aaaaaauugghhhh I think I need more tea and Christmas Chocolate Santa’s  . . . .

Groan . . .  and a straw. . . . . . and a piece of cake with hundreds and thousands on. . . . and I cant quite reach the TV remote.

  

The Traditional Rob Z Tobor End of the Year Post involving Auld Lang Syne and Foxes

I know this is what I wrote last year(and the year before that) but it is now going to be the new, New Years Eve traditional post until I forget that I have one, which may be next year or next week, who can tell......

So here we are at the end (almost) of 2014 and we all know what that means, it means folk standing out on street corners shouting and letting off fireworks hugging strangers as they pass and singing that old traditional Scottish song that no one knows the words too. But luckily most folk are a bit merry and will not be aware that instead of singing the correct words they are singing

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never mmmmm to mmmmm?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-

For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne.

We'll mmmm  o' mmmm mmmm,

For auld lang syne.

 

which sort of shows that folk don't really know the words

Then everyone will repeat this until they get bored and spot an urban fox chasing a pigeon, where upon the masses will abandon singing Auld Lang Syne staggering about in a mad linked hands sort of dance and chase the fox shouting

I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX MY DEAR,

IN A DUSTBIN AT IKEA

I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX I BET,

PUT BUTTER IN HIS EAR

BUTTER IN HIS EAR MY DEAR,

PUT BUTTER IN HIS EAR

WE’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX AND THEN WE’LL GET

SOME BUTTER IN HIS EAR

O yes they all know the words then

So I have left a message with the foxes (again) to avoid large crowds of people who look happy and not to spend the night raiding the Swedish meat balls in the bins of IKEA. And don’t go anywhere near people with tubs of butter

I would like to wish everyone a jolly happy new year (yes OK it is still two days away but) and if you live in the UK I believe New Years Day is due to be stormy/nice or something  (it was last year),  not sunny like this year (the year before last year).  . . . I dont know what will happen this year regarding the weather yet, and I suspect no one really cares that much 

If you do not plan to sing a fox based song and chase urban foxes then here are the words to Auld Lang Syne, the proper ones which is not as good but which is more traditional unless you live very near IKEA and are pestered by Urban Foxes. . . . . . . . . . .

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear,

For auld lang syne.

We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!

And surely I'll be mine!

And we'll tak a cup o'kindness yet,

For auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

We twa hae run about the braes,

And pou'd the gowans fine;

But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,

Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,

Frae morning sun till dine;

But seas between us braid hae roar'd

Sin' auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

And there's a hand, my trusty fere!

And gie's a hand o' thine!

And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught,

For auld lang syne.

For auld, &c.

All the best for 2015. Or what ever year it is about to be at some point approx . . . . 

As for the Nice Steven Spielberg, I may be forced to take my story to another film Producer chap. . . . . . I know its terrible, but I am getting older all the time so if I wait too long I will be well past it and totally away with the fairies. 

.

Part Five of Hogwarts v Jurassic World . . . . The Life of a Pirate is Something to Be

Link to PART FOUR

Forty Foot up on the feeding platform Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire is preoccupied with his continued fight with the coach party of pensioners. Even Harry Potter, Hermione and the others from Hogwarts are impressed by the feisty nature of the little old ladies.  Harry pointing out to the others that even Muggles can put up a good fight when they need to.

Meanwhile way over on the other side of the vast pool Captain Silver is chatting to our small band of hero’s lead by The White Rabbit and Alice.

Well Young Harrison Ford-Cortina you appear to be Half Tyrannosaurus Rex now how did that happen

Harrison Ford-Cortina growling and waving his hands (claws about) and adding the odd roar.

Well you don’t say that’s terrible who did that then

Harrison continues to growl hiss and wave his arms about in big gestures

Well you mean Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire, but hes a wizard he will be in big trouble doing stuff like that.

At this point Master Higgs butts in and says excuse me Captain but do you understand what Harrison is saying.

Well of course I do?

Harrison then joins in with various growls and other noises and yet more gesturing before finally pointing towards the Professor on the other side of the pool.

AH DAMN says the Captain.

What, what did Harrison say enquires Master Higgs.

Well he said that the Professor just disposed of the last little old lady and is about to try and destroy us now as part of his mad evil plan.

As they all look towards the Professor he is laughing hysterically and holding his wand high above his head, but before he can cast his terrible spell a flock of Wild Mutant Ravens swoop down on him making him lose his balance and slip. The Professor finding himself hanging by his finger tips off the edge of the feeding platform with his wand held between his teeth.

Harry turns to the young student wizards of Hogwarts and says . . . You see I said that turning little old ladies into Wild Mutant Ravens was not a good idea and this is worth remembering for the future. You see you need to think ahead and make sure that your magic does not backfire on you.

As the Professor attempts to pull himself back onto the platform a rather large Plesiosaur emerges out of the water and grabs the professor in its mouth pulling him down into the water. Where deep in the depths of the performance pool the two of them struggle in a fight to the death.

Well that was a stroke of luck HAR HAR HAR says Captain Silver, Harrison Ford-Cortina adding several growls and pointing at the masts.

You’re Quite right Young Harrison its time to sail. . . . . Here do you fancy a life as a pirate sailing the seven seas, working part time as a taxi for Hogwart Students and having adventures as we chase sea monsters and stuff. . . . it’s a grand life.

Harrison Smiles and nods before vanishing up the mast to set the sails. (Those long claws are rather useful if you are a pirate)

AH that’s not fair say several of the young Hogwarts students to Harry . . . . .  why cant we be pirates, just because Harrison Ford-Cortina is half Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Well says Harry That is fate even a wizard cant change fate.

As the pirate ship returns to sea Master Higgs, Alice and The White Rabbit slip below deck where a large mirror stands in the captains Room. Time to go Home says Alice and the three of them leap through the mirror ready for the next great adventure.

Back by the pool Harry, Hermione and the others are watching the big fight underwater, but just as the professor comes up for air a large smiling cat appears and says

Beware the Jabberwockysarus my friends

Hermione and Harry look at one another and say. . . YICKS Time to get the coach back home I THINK . . . Leaving Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire in a tricky position with a large Plesiosaur hanging onto one leg and the  Jabberwockysarus licking its lips on the side of the pool.

The END 

Part Four of Hogwarts V Jurassic World . . . Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

Link to Part Three

As our heroic heroes arrive at the large and impressive outdoor performance pool for the Aquatic Dinosaurs of Jurassic World they spot Harry Potter, Hermione, Lily Luna and an assortment of young student wizards from Hogwarts. Lily Luna hanging over the side of the pool saying

dad dad dad dad  dad dad dad dad can I have a plesiosaur as a pet. . . . . I promise to look after it and clean outs its straw every week.

No Lily Luna I think you might be thinking of the wrong dinosaur.

But I want A PLESIOSAUR IT’S not fair.

However before the conversation continues it is interrupted by the arrival of Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire  who is looking flustered, and is desperately attempting to un-jam his large and very scary machine gun. He is now being pursued by a large group of irritated pensioners who have chased him all the way from Customer Services.

Unfortunately for the professor while he was threatening the queues (who had amassed at Customer Services) with death for demanding a refund, he ended up with a jammed large scary machine gun. Now as anyone who has ever had to deal with the public will know . . . . you will never get away with threatening a coach party of pensioners if they think they are entitled to a refund or discount. And so any sign of weakness and they will attack like ferocious and totally irrational killer Zombies, so a jamming machine gun means you are a goner for sure.              

   

As the Professor passes the group he sees Harrison Ford-Cortina and throws his still jammed machine gun at him shouting things before leaping onto the edge of the pool still being chased by the coach party of pensioners.

Meanwhile as everyone else watches the rather strange spectacle of a gang of little old ladies hitting the professor on a small feeding platform forty feet above the pool the White Rabbit is focused on the distant horizon of the large bay beyond the pool.  Then as his packet watch chimes the hour he fires a flare gun high into the air, after a few seconds a flare is seen far off out at sea in response. Slowly but surely and generally unnoticed by most, a ship can be seen sailing towards Jurassic World, a ship with distinct sails flying the skull and crossbones.

By now Harry, Hermione and the young wizards of Hogwarts have settled down in the tiered seating of the vast performance pool to watch the grand finale.   Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire having now resorted to using magic to defend himself from the relentless onslaught of little old ladies

Ooo the Grand Council of Wizards will not approve of that says Harry as another little old lady is turned into a Wild Mutant Raven.

Daaaaaaaaaad can I have a Wild Mutant Raven as a pet

No Lily Luna they are particularly aggressive and a bad choice by Professor Frankenzompire.

On the other side of the vast pool Young Higgs, Alice, The White Rabbit and Harrison Ford-Cortina are pushing the seriously enormous lock gates open that connect the performance pool to open ocean via a grand canal.

Now you have all seen the film, you all know that the large ocean going aquatic dinosaurs actually live out at sea and have been trained to enter the performance pool to do a few tricks like leap forty feet out of the water to get a tasty treat such as say a pensioner from a passing coach party.  What do you mean you have not seen the film (DAMN how was I to know it has not been released publically yet. . .  Sorry Mr Spielberg).

As the Lock gates open a large pirate ship sails into the pool its captain at the wheel laughing HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR shiver me timbers it be Master Higgs and Harrison Ford-Cortina . . . .  You are looking a bit different young Harrison since I last saw ye HAR HAR . . . . . . .  

Lily Luna turns to her dad and says that’s Captain Silver of Silvers Water Taxi’s who takes us to Hogwarts each term what is he doing here.

It is, and I don’t know yet, but I think that is a Plesiosaur over there too says Harry

Lily Luna claps her hands and says this is dead exciting I like Jurassic World.

 

To Be Continued.

Yes the Story has yet one more part to it as it reaches the grand finish where all will be revealed. 

Link to PART FIVE

Part Three of Hogwarts v Jurassic World. The JABBERWOCKYSARUS eats an ice cream van

Link to Part Two

Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire having run out of ammunition and discovering that the JABBERWOCKYSARUS is one of those rare spell immune beasts, heads quickly back to his main office. But as he enters the phone rings and a young girl at Customer Services is panicking.

You need to come to customer services quick Professor Frankenzompire the puplic are here on mass demanding refunds.

A REFUND says the Professor we never give refunds….

They are getting very restless and are complaining there are ferocious dinosaurs running loose all over the place.

I’ll be there straight away says the Professor reloading his large scary machine gun. No one gets a refund here he thinks to himself and I am not starting now, we will see what they think after I have fed a few of them to the Plesiosaurus.

Back near the monorail stop Alice, the White Rabbit, Young Higgs and Harrison Ford-Cortina emerge from behind a large wall and decide to head towards the main performance pool for the aquatic dinosaur exhibits. However as they head down the central walkway the   JABBERWOCKYSARUS appears chewing a large bus, but on seeing the small group it drops the bus and slowly walks towards them.

It’s a smelly beast says Higgs

Indeed it is . . . .  and rather big replies Alice.

Is the White Rabbit going to fight it and save us then, it usually does.

No

AH

But as the JABBERWOCKYSARUS gets to within a few feet of them Harrison Ford- Cortina  suddenly leaps forward (remember he is rather Tyrannosaurus Rex looking now) and starts talking to the beast (I say talking it is in fact growling) and pointing a lot. Then the JABBERWOCKYSARUS shrugs it’s shoulders and starts wandering off towards the main exit of the Jurassic World complex eating a small ice cream van on the way

WHAT ?????? WHAT DID YOU SAY says Young Higgs to Harrison Ford- Cortina. 

Harrison Ford- Cortina has a little look to haven and then repeats his growls and pointing.

AH Right says Higgs still none the wiser and slightly confused.

Our Small, brave, intrepid and possibly foolhardy band of heroes then continue their journey towards the main performance pool for the aquatic dinosaur exhibits where the White Rabbit apparently says he has a cunning plan. Well when I say he says, as we know the White Rabbit says very little but he indicates strongly in a way that is clear to the others that he has a very cunning plan indeed.

To Be Continued

What is this cunning plan I hear you ask. . . . well as I make these stories up as I write then and I don’t have a clue how they are going to end I may have put myself in a difficult position because I don’t know what the cunning plan is either so AH DAMN. . . . 

Link to Part Four 

Part two of Hogwarts v Jurassic World. . . . . Professor Frankenzompire gets angry.

Link to Part One 

As Harry Potter, Hermione and a motley collection of wizard students from Hogwarts emerge from behind the large fibreglass Ichthyopterygia, Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire strides towards them. His long floor length black leather coat, designer wrap round mirror finish sunglasses and huge scary machine gun make the young wizards a little nervous as they hide behind Harry. Only Lily Luna saying WOW DAD can I have one of those guns that’s awesome.

No I don’t think so says Harry

AH Harry Potter . . .  I believe one of your students has accidently got mixed up in one of my experiments and has turned a bit Tyrannosaurus Rex said Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire.

Indeed he is standing over there with that large White Rabbit, Alice from Wonderland and Master Higgs the son of Professor Brian Dumblecox . . . . . Have you come to turn him back into Harrison Ford-Cortina the popular wizard student from gryffindor.

O NO and with that he raises his large scary machine gun and fires a long burst at Harrison Ford-Cortina. NO SORRY BUT HE HAS TO DIE.

But in a blur of slow motion the Large White rabbit leaps in front of the slightly modified Wizard Student and picks the bullets out of the air and then has a close look at them before dropping them on the ground. Well as you can imagine Professor Frankenzompire is not entirely happy and pulls an old black twisted wand from inside his coat and shouts a terrible spell as a huge fiery thunderbolt envelopes the space where the White Rabbit and the others had been standing. But they have vanished and only a rather strange smiling Cheshire cat is there now, and as it fades it says. . . . . . . . .

Beware the Jabberwockysarus My friend . . . . . . . . . .

Beware the what? shouts Professor Frankenzompire at Harry Potter.

Harry replying . . . It is always best to run when that cat turns up and then vanishes again saying weird stuff like that . . . and with that Harry, Hermione and the other wizard student’s head off sharp-ish towards a now empty burger café near the main performance pool. . . Young Lily Luna saying Can I have Fries with my stegosaurus dad and onion rings . . . .  I like this Jurassic World its WELL COOL. . .  

Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire is very very angry now but as he watches Harry Potter and the other run off he feels the ground shaking and the sound of something Huge snarling and hissing behind him . . . . .. . . . It is the Jabberwockysarus . . . . What manner of beast is this he says to himself as he raises his large scary machine gun up to its well armoured head. Only to find the bullets bounce off the body of the huge beast who barely notices the professor unloading the entire guns magazine of bullets into him.

TO BE CONTINUED

Link to Part Three

The Big Questions I Can't Answer (or a Quiz Night)

I am off at a quiz night tonight to very possibly be asked to answer questions, as that is the general nature of quiz nights. I am not a silly unknowledgeable chap, however I am not good at answering questions at random out of the blue, it is not what I do.  Also Quiz nights tend to have questions about popular television, I do not know much about popular television except most of it is rubbish and my poor old brain is confused by the fact it is popular. Quiz nights also have questions about sport and football, a game involving a round ball and played by chaps from abroad who earn huge amounts of money; one of whom once said something about Seagulls. . .  And popular music is in general another subject that tends to crop up at such events. . . I am also not good at popular music which these days seems to involve boy bands and folk who have won TV talent shows . . .  I have decided to answer all these particular questions with either  . . . Tiny Tim or Country Joe and the Fish . . . that way I stand a small chance of getting one question right.

The good news is this quiz night is to be held of Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café, the home of the greatest food in the world and at midpoint in the proceeding we all stop for chicken pie and chips unless you are a veggie in which case it’s the veggie option. This makes the humiliation of being last by several hundred points behind a mad old granny and her team of cats acceptable.  Sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do in order to consume the delights of great pies.

Of course this years blog theme which I keep departing from on an almost daily basis is The Big Questions, so it is more than a little ironic that I will be sitting blank faced, drinking orange juice shouting TINY TIM TINY TIM TINY TIM at my fellow team mates as they ponder on the question  . . . . Who was the last Governor-General of the Belgian Congo? and for a bonus point what was the name of his dog . . . . While they try and think if Baron Théophile Wahis was the last one or not because he was not that keen on dogs only to find out after that rather ironically (there will be much irony) he did have a small dog called Tiny Tim. . . . .  At which point I will look smug and nod with a knowing nod.  As I have said Tiny Tim must be the answer to something. I have a feeling he sang a cover of that famous Charles Dickens song . . .  Santa in Red. . . .  

Steven Spielberg, Jurassic World and certain investment concerns about dinosaurs

As my few but loyal followers will know I have been cooking up brilliant ideas for the very nice Steven Spielberg now for about four years and in that time have thought of hundreds of them. Some of them probably even good ones, yes the law of averages states that I Rob Z Tobor is capable of thinking of good ideas, a bit like all those monkeys writing Shakespeare in the infinite voids of infinity.  So am I annoyed that the nice Mr Spielberg is doing a sneaky and churning out yet another dinosaur film, this time called Jurassic World well the answer is . . . . . . . . a bit.

And in order to understand just how improbable this film is it is important to go back to the beginning when some bright spark comes up with the idea of Jurassic World in the first place. So let us reflect on a man as he walks with purpose along the busy streets of Gotham City clutching his neat leather executive case heading towards the Gotham City Central Bank.

Hey hello Professor shouts a voice in the crowd as Professor Frankenstein busily pushes his way through the throng into the huge marble hall way of the Central Bank, its magnificent classical columns twinkling with the light of the halls chandeliers.

O hello Clark I am a bit late for an appointment at present so will see you later, I could have a great story for the paper. With that he waves and heads off towards the manager’s office, it is not good to be late when you want to borrow several million Dollars.

Professor Frankenstein you are on the dot please come straight in it is always good to see you. Says the banks Manager

Ah Thank you . . . you are very kind

Please take a seat and tell me how I can help you, although I have to warn you banking has changed in the last few years it is not like it was back in the good old days.

Yes I have a new plan. One greater than any of my previous plans and one that will make us all very very rich it’s a brilliant plan if I say so myself. But I will need to borrow several million dollars.

Well as I have said Banking is not what it was, but we are always keen to support good ideas tell me all about it.

Yes I want to build a world full of living dinosaurs and breed them in captivity it will attract millions of visitors and scientists from all over the world. . . . I thought I would call it Jurassic World.

AH . . . . Well Professor it sounds a bit like Jurassic Park to me and we know what happened with that and more than once I may add.

Yes OK it didn’t entirely work out as planned but this time it will be dead exciting . . . no pun intended. . . and entirely safe. . . . . Sort of.

You said that last time Professor and you told me that they would be small dinosaurs not huge things

Well they were smallish . . . . they just had big claws

Indeed and just how big will these dinosaurs be this time.

Welll mmmmmm maybe 70 to 90 feet long or so but with smaller claws.

Look I’m sorry Professor but the bank can’t afford to invest in more monsters we are not thought of well at present and your track record is a bit dodgy to say the least. I mean what happened to that chap you made with the bolt through his neck. And we invested in that King Kong which turned out to be a bad move, as did that bloke Indiana Jones and his Pyramid Scam. And if anyone mentions the creature from the black lagoon again I will hit them.

So it sounds like you are saying No

O what the hell we will give it a go what can really go wrong. . . . Sooner or later someone will get the hang of these dinosaurs, they cant all be super intelligent killing machines. I mean just how realistic is that,  After all even that nice Steven Spielberg would not be foolish enough  to make yet another of those films would he.

AH DAMN funny you should say that

THE END. . . . . . . . . . .   

The Predictability of our own Future, Fate and other Things . . . . . The Big Question

I was quietly minding my own business as I do When I was asked Are you the chap who answers those Big Questions and my answer was Maybe or Maybe not Why and they said well I was wondering about stuff, sort of what's it all about How come I'M here now and not sat on a hot beach, just how do we end up being us and STUFF.

Don’t you just hate it when strangers ask you questions like that but to be fair they do have a point because what we are and what we do are rather fragile things indeed. Many of us may think we are in control of our destiny but are we.  Starting back at the beginning we are born, a genetic throw of the dice by two people who may or may not have plans to produce children. And once in the world we are in the hands of others who may or may not help kick start us on our way to fame fortune and adventure. Here in the West we have the advantage of school, but a personality clash with a teacher or another pupil or any number of things can change what we learn and what qualifications we get. Which in turn can send us on any number of unknown options and lock us out of many many more.  What we do can depend on if we live in a town or in the country and that can be down to family and all sorts of things.

So at what point do we finally get to take total control of our destiny, well I’m afraid we never really do. It may appear that some do but the fact is even those right at the top are there due to thousands if not millions of interlinked events that have created the world around us.  Some of these events are things done by others, some are things that happen by accidents of fate, like winning the lottery, meeting someone in a shop or café or the zoo.

Of course we can do some things to steer our lives in the general direction we wish to go and sometimes it can work out as planned a bit like leaping about in front of the very nice Steven Spielberg’s bedroom window naked shouting Hello Handsome . . . Although sometimes these little things we do to steer our lives in the direction we wish to go have unforeseen side effects that lead down new unpredicted paths. Such as running down a road naked pursued by large dogs and several police cars, leading to the theft a bicycle which by a stroke of luck has a friend of Mr Jones the Alien Hunter in the basket and for twenty five pounds and the use of a mobile makes the bike fly over a small forest to safety.   Strangely national governments try and do stuff to steer things in the direction they wish things to go and have very similar problems, but are seldom saved by aliens on bicycles who are friends of Mr Jones.

So just remember we all start equal for about 10 seconds then it is 85% luck and 15% our own efforts, so be as nice as you can to everyone because who is to say that but for the hand of  fate you could be them and they could be you. 

(The day of the Triffids) or Harry Potter Returns from the Dead . . . . . Part Four

Previously Part 3

Arriving at the quayside below the towering towers of Hogwarts Academy it was clear that it had suffered over the years and was in need of some repair. As they walked towards the building a voice in the distance behind them shouted

Har Har Har Make sure you have that book of your handy Master Higgs YOU'LL be needing it quite soon, raise the top sail me hearties it be time to plunder ye black swan HA HAH AH A HA HAH AH ha hhar har

What did he say Said Young Higgs

You will need your book said Alice In fact I think we need it right now. What on earth are those terrible walking plant things at the end of the Quay

I will look in the book of Fantastic Beasts and where to find them, that will tell us. . . . . . . . . . .AH that’s a bit of a nuisance

What is said Alice

I have accidently picked up the wrong book this is the Idiots guide to conservatory and greenhouse plants. . . DAMN

You are an Idiot Higgs what are we going to do now

Hang on funnily enough those beasts are in the book that is a stroke of luck . . . they are Triffids and the book says they hate salt and not suitable for most domestic greenhouses.

Where are we going to get salt from then?

Well as it so happens said Mr Teedy-dum and Mr Tweedy-dee we have loads, we use in our chicken pies and we always have ingredients to hand just in case a chicken should pass by. . . . or a Dodo.

The battle raged for what seemed like ages as the small band defended the end of the quay from the multitude of Triffids using the salt which they threw at the Triffids as they advanced.  The White rabbit however decided they tasted rather delicious and set about eating as many as possible and with the aid of his trusty and rather large flick knife destroyed most of them single handed. As the last two or three Triffids ran off into the Magic forest they climbed the long staircase up to the main door which very slowly and noisily opens up as they get closer.

Well Chaps this is it we have reached our destination said Young Higgs . . . Who is that over there

It looks like Professor Rubeus Hagrid said Alice.

As they walk across to see him and ask questions they can hear him mumbling and talking to himself

Knit one PURL one where has that seagull gone now, silly bird I have told him not to eat potions in the spells room. OOoooooo hello who are you lot then have you seen a seagull I am training him to be a wizard.

No we have come to restore Harry Potter back to life said Young Higgs,

AAAhhhhh I know that name Harry . . . yes he had Ginger hair and a big beard 

No

No was he the one with the limp and the mad look

No he was the grumpy one who kept getting into trouble and pretended to be all innocent.

AH yes I know you mean Harry Potter. He’s Dead you will not find him round here, His wand is in the Long Hall. You know the place where the incident with the cat and the glass jug happened.

Yes look I have the cat and the glass jug here. Said Young Higgs

AAAAAuuuuuuuuuuugghhhHHHH I better be off I’ll see you later.

With that Hagrid ran off unaware that a large seagull was standing on his head and the group led by Young Higgs headed towards the long hall. Where our story will reach its dramatic conclusion

TO BE CONTINUED

Will Harry Potter live?

Will Alice and Hermione Granger get on?

Will Hogwarts return to the days of glory?

Will someone be eaten by the Jabberwocky?

Who is the mysterious man in the cupboard?

Will I be sued by JK Rowling for slightly nicking characters?

Will Steven Spielberg ever read this blog?

Will my typing improve?

What will be the next Big Question that needs answering?

Will I go to IKEA Tomorrow?

These and many other questions will probably not get answered in the last and gripping instalment of  . . . . Harry Potter Returns from the Dead . . . . coming to a cinema near you soon.

Maybe not today. Maybe Not tomorrow but AH DAMN . . . . . .Probably Never. . . but KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES.

NEXT the Grand Finale ALL IS REVEALED