The Man of the Sea

Behold the Great Man of the Sea

The heroic swimmer of Cromarty

Who swam all the way to Aberdeen

The greatest feat of swimming

There has ever been

And to astound onlookers

And stop them in their track

The next day he waved farewell

And then swam back

But he is a modest chap

And made no fuss

And after a cup of tea

At the harbour café

He set off home

On the local bus

The End   

Storm Barney Bites and Blows over a Robot

Well as I sit typing away in the security of my little office (well sort of office) the wild winds are now blowing overhead as the second named storm of the year has arrived. It is something of a novelty in Britain to have named storms because in general we don’t get anything bad enough to be worth naming. But I think the National Weather Centre (the Met Office as in Metrological) in a cunning bid to keep their hands on the BBC weather forecast franchise have decided folk like names. And that is indeed true we all like a storm with a cute name, the first one was last week and was called Abigail and now we have Barney, which implies an alphabetical theme going on I suspect. As far as I can tell from here, Barney is blowing harder than Abigail was so I am hoping to see Barney Blow a stone wall over so I can point and say . . . . . Look it’s a pile of Barney Rubble . . . HAH AHAh ah ah a hah ah ahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha  . . . . . .  Sadly we do not have any flint stone walls in this part of the world which would make that even better.

The other thing I noticed is that they say there is a small chance of power cuts which means typing away on a device that needs power is like a game of Russian roulette for writers. I was planning on saying failed writers but actually I write loads of stuff it is just that no one actually reads much of it, that is not quite the same thing as being someone who has written stuff read by loads of folk but who no longer writes stuff. A bit like that Shakespeare chap, although to be fair he has quite a good reason for no longer writing much. I mean I would be disheartened if a load of monkeys turned up and we able to write you entire works without ever reading it in the first place,  Its like that chicken and egg problem . . . . . Which can first the Monkey or Shakespeare. . . . Well plainly in that case it’s the monkeys which can only mean Shakespeare copied the complete works of the monkeys

OOOOoooooo I have just lost a paragraph due to a power cut, see I was not kidding it is getting windy out there. So it might well be time to run off and hide for a while . . . . .  OK then chaps head for the fortified bunker, make sure your heads are wrapped in kitchen foil and you have your trusty pointy stick and inflatable Hedgehog (sorry life raft).

I have Just had to go out to save one of the Robots and all I can say is BLOODY HELL. . .

Good Luck Mr H I hope all is well with you

OK that's it powering down and running away. . . .  

How to time travel though time using a blog and cyberspace and a large rope

Two years ago today I posted this post and it is rather interesting because I make the point in it . . . . . . . .. Would my diary exist if it was an item of pure functionality with no need for the frivolity of imagination and un-practical reams of gobbledegook; you see my diary is just like this huge monster rope (Note Mr S’s shoes by the rope) of no practical use and frayed at the end. . . . . . . . . . .. A point that is even more valid today (two years later) than it was two years ago, so I thought I should repost the post to make the point  and the post of greater significance. 


So let us travel back in time exactly two years to 5th June 2013 . . . . . .  



It has been a funny old day, the weather here was very overcast and sort of OK but not like yesterday or tomorrow (I have kicked the weather machines side panel) hot and sunny, and my day has sort of ticked along with the usual quantum physics and woodwork plus the rather more useful lesson of locksmithing,  and the skills of unlocking locks that prefer to remain locked. Of course this is a huge area of expertise because not only does it include the humble padlock but of course there are many unseen mathematical locks, things that appear to be physically locked to something by forces unknown.  

For example Miss I and Mr S have told me that they were unable to collect a huge rope from the beach because if was locked to the beach by fate and the Micro God of Beaches, and apparently it was also very heavy.

But using the great skills of Locksmithing it would be possible to untangle the forces that held the huge rope to the beach and transport it many miles to me, where I would look with wonder upon the huge rope while the massed masses looking would say WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT . . . . . . . . . And I would reply AH?

People do things like this all the time when folk stumble on artefacts of wonder which are of no practical use what so ever, they ask but what do you intend to do with it. But you see this is what makes us humans what we are, the ability to appreciate the great possibilities of completely useless items. Would my diary exist if it was an item of pure functionality with no need for the frivolity of imagination and unpractical reams of gobbledegook, you see my diary is just like this huge monster rope (Note Mr S’s shoes by the rope) of no practical use and frayed at the end. Well when I say of no practical use I lie as it is my long term memory,  well when I say long term I mean more that three days ago.

Farwell rope I hope the world treats you fairly and does not just string you along . . . . . . . . . .HAHAHAHHAH hahah ah ah haah hahha hah ah hahahhahah hahahah hahahahhah ahhah ahahhahahahaha

it’s a joke but Knot a good one  HaAHAHAHAH ah hah ah ah ah ha hah ah hah ah ah ha hah ah ha hah ah ah ah ahha a   

Uriah Useless . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Uriah Useless

Uriah Useless was a great inventor and has a long list of diverse machines and devices to his credit, but due to a cruel twist of fate his name is little known to the masses.  A key reason for this is easily explained by one of his greatest inventions . . . .  The Useless Underwater Umbilical Suit.   You see despite his skills and knowledge he found it difficult to instil confidence in the users of his diving suit when blazoned across the front in large letters is the word USELESS. He was often advised to drop his own name from his inventions but as with many Victorian Gentlemen Inventors vanity dictated that he wanted his name up there for all to see. 

However like many of the inventors of the day he was a wealthy man and inventing was something of an interesting pastime, something to have long discussions about back in the eminent surroundings of the very exclusive Preposterous Club of Great Britain, founded by the right Honourable Arnold Alexander Axle Armstrong-Atlas. It was at the Preposterous Club where Uriah Useless first heard of a ship called the Nautilus which he was told was at the bottom of the sea with the famous French writer Joules Verne trapped inside. He immediately set off to save him using his Useless Underwater Umbilical Suit but of course the Nautilus was not a real vessel.

When Uriah Useless returned to the Preposterous Club of Great Britain he became aware that it was all a practical joke by Benjamin Braithwaite Browning and there was much sniggering behind his back. However he got his revenge as a witness in the trial of Benjamin Braithwaite Browning but he never returned to the Preposterous Club and became a recluse in a Scottish castle where he apparently took to wearing a bicycle wheel on his head and talking to Puffins.

Stanley Stumbledore . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Stanley Stumbledore.

A chemist who spent many years working on the process of Alchemy, but not with a great deal of luck. However he was never downhearted by his failure because he saw it all as part of his quest for knowledge. A knowledge that led him to become the leading authority on symbiotic substances. Now everyone knows that the best symbiotic substances have at their core a large open crystalline structure allowing it to fill with tiny particles in the symbiotic process. And it was this process that led to a piece of brilliant lateral thinking, because Stanley Stumbledore’s castle was at risk of falling into the sea due to coastal erosion.

The sea is a powerful force and if you simply build a wall the sea will quickly destroy it but if you build an open crystalline structure the force will be defused and the structure will survive stopping the erosion; eventually filling the spaces with sand creating a natural environment for small sea critters and the like.  So it was; that the Stanley Stumbledore Shore Star was created which varied in size from about six feet in diameter to fifteen feet in diameter.  The Victorians loved the sea and were keen to control its power and eat ice cream while paddling about in suitable swimwear. So the eradication of coastal erosion was seen as an important step in mans authority over nature. As the Rev Oscar Overlap Oppenheimer would often tell his congregation on cold wet Sundays.

Sadly Stanley Stumbledore as with many Victorian inventors became delusional and thought that he could command the sea purely by standing in front of it. So one very stormy night encouraged by Rev Oscar Overlap Oppenheimer (who was keen to prove that man could master nature); Mr Stumbldore ventured onto the beach where he was promptly swept out to sea.   The  Rev Oscar Overlap Oppenheimer told the shocked watching crowd it was penance as Stanley Stumbledore had obviously been eating ice cream and wearing a bathing suit, both clearly the work of the devil.

Interestingly a group of fishermen who arrived back in port a few hours later said they had seen two men emerge from a cave and save Stanley Stumbledore as he was being dashed on the rocks. One of the men a strange green colour with mad hair and wearing a ripped shirt while the other kept shouting well known left wing protest chants. They also claimed to have seen a man dressed as a penguin with a bicycle wheel on his head running along the cliff top, so folk just said they had been drinking moonshine after a good catch of mackerel and herrings.

Stanley Stumbledore was never seen again though, although you do sometimes see large concrete star shaped coastal defences in small Victorian towns. 

Llandudno. The Zombie Seagulls and The George Hotel

I have returned (OK yesterday afternoon) from my expedition North by what some would say was the pretty route or as the more rational among us like to call it, the long way. So where did we venture in our search for the source of the large great thing that folk have not found the source of yet. Well Llandudno a place where explorers seldom go hunting for things, which logically makes it a prime target to explore, logic dictates that you are more likely to find new things in a place where no one has looked for them. And it is plainly very clear that it has been some time since man looked for new things in Llandudno. 

Our first new discovery was a new breed of seabird; it was a seagull, not just any seagull though but one with very specific eating habits. It hammered away on windows until it was given Ginger Nuts which then appeased the ravenous beast who flew off only to return the following day at the same time.  We have officially named the new breed of bird Seagullious Gingernutium Esmeralda after Esmeralda as it was a fearsome and scary beast that given half a chance would bite half your arm off, and it shouted a lot.  We assume that it might be worshiped by the local Llandudnoians as we did notice they sold three Zombie Gingerbread Men for a pound and had many images of Zombies in Shop Windows.

Our search for the source of the large great thing did not go well until the second evening when a huge ship was hauled through town on a big caterpillar tracked device accompanied by men in orange seafaring equipment. We would not have noticed had it not been for the fact that all the buildings shook and there was a loud low rumbling that sent little old ladies scampering in all directions for cover. There are many little old ladies in Llandudno.

Having concluded that this strange ritual must be connected to our search we set off the following morning in our final bid for glory after a hearty breakfast at base camp (the George Hotel . . . Well Posh) following in the tracks (in more ways than one) of the huge ship. As we did we noticed many little old ladies heading towards M&S and discretely followed as they looked like they could be heading towards the source of the thing we were seeking and interestingly none of the windows  of M&S were full of zombies or skeletons which was suspicious. As we followed this lost tribe of little old ladies up the escalator to the first floor they spoke in a strange tongue, some sort of strange Welsh language.

Following them through the 50% sale rails and towards the café we suddenly found ourselves in a clearing and at the elusive Source of the Aisle. We cheered and raised our flag, a skull and crossbones purchased in a local shop and made of genuine plastic. Our mission complete we returned to base camp and ate afternoon cream tea and watched Zombie Seagulls pecking at the heads of passing joggers on the promenade. It’s their own fault there are signs saying beware of the seagulls.

This is very funny indeed if you have not seen it.

Serpents at the seaside

Today involved a trip to the beach to a place called Barmouth, so called because it is the where you find the mouth of the Bar. A huge serpent sort of beast with a large mouth that eats things as is traditional with huge serpents.

It was a nice day although there was the one cloud that insisted in hovering about between us and the sun, but it was OK because in general it was quite warm.  Anyway that was about it nothing else happened so I am off to draw the Bar now . . . time permitting as a picture of it will give it far more street cred, than me just sort of saying we saw this huge thing that ate folk and scared the donkeys. They did not look happy donkeys having to spend their day giving small children rides up to a post and back, It was not very far even for a small child or bored donkey. Still the Donkeys cheered up once the serpent ate the children and the parents ran about screaming, I’m sure the next high tide will remove all the blood and bits.

The sand dunes appear to get bigger every time we go there too, but it has been a while even the falling down barn has been repaired. . . . . .when did that happen.

I know this is very boring but I have Writers Block and I have been out all day (at the beach). . . . 

O is for Obsessively Observing the Outstanding Odysseys of the Open Oceans.

As we know from yesterday’s story Poor old Captain Nigel Nash became haunted by the stories of Sir Napier Winky Knapsack and started to become bitter and twisted and would wake up in the middle of the night shouting . . . .  A Double Winky Burger with cheese and eyes sorry I mean fries. . . . . .  It was more that an old sea dog could take, and so he decided to return to his Ship the Nautilus and Venture out into the ocean to explore the great unknown.  With him this time was a young artist called Oswald Offwhite who was rather good at drawing large fish. It would not be unreasonable to say young Oswald was obsessed with the creatures of the ocean and his one big chance in life, a commission to paint the portrait of HRH the Queen was a disaster when the final work turned out to look the spitting image of a turbot. Yes the Queen was well known for spitting all over the place but it was never mentioned yet alone painted on a fifteen foot by seventeen foot portrait, even if folk said it was a remarkable likeness and made them feel like having a fish supper down by the old docks.

AH DAMN I got slightly distracted.

 Captain Nash and his crew sailed off into the sunset for many years having many many adventures fighting pirates and large monstrous beasts while young Oswald Offwhite obsessively drew the outstanding odysseys of the open oceans in minuet (sorry minute)  detail.  Many of these strange beasts had never been seen before and Oswald (known to the crew affectionately as Doris) would accurately record them in his works. The originals of his work are still a prized position of the Natural History Museum to this day.

Then on 15^th May in the year of thingya time ago they just happen to stumble upon the thought to be extinct Dinosaur  . . The Aardvarkasaurus Wrecks  . . . . so called because of the rumours of its destruction of many a ship. It was a huge sea creature but they were able to capture the beast and return to England, well I say England, Captain Nash actually arrived in Inverness. This was slightly wrong but it did mean they were able to net off a small part of Loch Ness for the Aardvarkasaurus which became a great tourist attraction making Captain Nash, Doris sorry Mr Oswald Offwhite and the crew of the Nautilus very famous.

However the Aardvarkasaurus escaped into the deep of Loch Ness and despite attempts to catch it, it had become wise to the ways of man and except for the occasional rumour of sightings has never been seen again for certain. . . . . . 

J is for Japanese Crayfish Jousters

Once upon a time back in darkest history when Knights were Knights and villagers would scream and run about in fear of large dragons that breathed fire at all sorts of stuff, and wizards would cast spells turning large grown men into frogs or would turn slugs into small rodents or cats into violin strings. It was quite common for small children when asked what they would like to do when they grew up, to all shout I want to be a Japanese Crayfish Jouster. Their fearsome reputation and the adulation of the massed crowds who would shower them in small bits of Halibut and gold coins made them the heroic figures of the day. Yes the Japanese Crayfish Jousters were known across the known world of the time and the spectacle of huge crayfish charging at one another across the arena was something to behold as both beast and man were covered in gold and jewels and showed no fear.

Of course such things never last and as time pasted and the fables and legends of the past faded into the lost corners of history when asked what they wanted to be when they grew up, small children would then shout I want to be a train driver oR an Astronaut the dreams of the Japanese Crayfish Jousters lost for ever.

But even those, the simple dreams of small children have changed in just a few years, as the dark shadows of the corporate world and obsession with media penetrated the very soul of mankind. Because if you say to a group of small children now, what do you want to be when you grow up, they will all shout I want be the winner of a talent show on television, play for Man Utd . . . . . ..   and have big boobs.  But one day in the future a very nice man called say maybe Steven Spielberg will think Japanese Crayfish Jousters what a great idea for a block buster film and then once again everyone will want to be Japanese Crayfish Jousters like the old days.   . . . We can but hope. 

Storms, Plutonium and the A to Z

The weather round here today is wild, the Ghost Writer was in his office today and the windows were rattling and it appears this little bit of  Britain is smack in the middle of the red bit on the BBC weather map. He has also had a grim trip back here as the roads are also rather flooded as the snow that fell over the Kerry ridgeway (the local hills) in the last two days all thawed today.  They have been talking of 100mph winds and so the power has been on and off here and there, and I have heard that several roads are closed due to power lines and trees getting blown down.  Still we are still much better off than some parts of Britain as they battle floods and the Toad People of Todimimiun 3.  It is a long and riveting story (rivet – toads . . . . . HAH HA HH H HH HA HAH AH HA HAH AH HA H HHahha ha ha haha hahaha ha ha ha ha ha)

The Ghost Writer also has the added problem that his place of work may close in a few weeks due to finance issues and a huge lump of plutonium sort of accidently falling out of its housing. When I say housing it was in the freezer for safe keeping as the freezer is cool and made of metal, so it seemed like a good place to put it.  It is not my fault I forgot to take it home and then could not remember where I left it, but it appears folk get a bit funny about plutonium in freezers in an office full of folk.

In other news I am doing that rather strange A to Z thing in April again this year, I know what you are thinking what is an A to Z, but it is a blog thing that us folk who use blogs for what ever reason (a diary in my case) do in April. It can be jolly good fun if you approach it correctly or it can be rather stressful if you are not organized. Yes I am not known for being organized what so ever, but then I can produce alphabet based gibberish until the cows come home, so it is easier for me. And this year I am one of the back room boys doing my bit behind the scenes for the main man……. I have promised to be good and not shout at people or go LOOK at this bit of Plutonium . . . .

PHEW it is windy out there, I will run off now and try and turn a cat into a cat Kite (the flying device not the chocolate wafer thing . . . . . . . HA HAHH H HAH HA HAHHAH HA HAH AH HA HA HAH HAHA HAH AH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

OOOOOOOo look a seagull  and other stuff . . . .There is a lot of stuff blowing about tonight so keep your head down . . . . 

Winter Storms, flooding and Wild Winds in Britain . . . . and a Curry

Britain is being a bit battered at present, not in a I’ll have a Britain and chips please to takeaway, but by wind rain and tide surges (No I don’t know who Tide Surges is either), anyway before I get seriously distracted I thought I would check the BBC news. On the BBC news I noticed something that confused me a bit, it was a headline saying  . . . UK flooding: Flood defences 'will be protected' . . . . .  Now I know I am not always the quickest at picking up an important point in any given situation, but surely the whole point of a flood defence is to defend stuff from floods. If a flood defence needs to be protected then it must be a rubbish flood defence and I also noticed the words front-line services again call me a bit silly but surely the front line or as we like to call it the beach or river bank is a great place for a flood defence it makes no sense putting it behind the shops or on the hill unless it is a rubbish flood defence and needs protecting from the flood.

I do have to say all this rain and wind has been going full blast for some time now and it appears it is all the fault of the USA, I know and us being all sort of chirpy and friends. But the North of the USA is too cold and the South of the USA is differentially to warm causing storms to be created over the Atlantic (the Jet Steams doing) and making us folk in the UK wet.  It’s at times like this I think dad really should not have sold his old Weather Machine to some bloke he called Uncle Sam (I have never heard of him before).

I did manage to do a good deed today though as the chap next door had part of his fence blow down a couple of weeks ago and it has been getting worse. He is a bit like me and stubborn and likes to fix stuff himself. But he is eighty and also somewhat poorly at present so I leapt to the rescue. OK I was not able to fix it but I have put all the lose bits safe and secured what is still standing.  Which is good as the weather predictions for the next few days sound a bit bad, so I hope my work does not blow away  . . . . . . Maybe my temporary wind  defences  need  some sort of protection from the wind I will ask the BBC.

Oooooooo we had an Indian takeaway tonight which was well yum in order to take our mind off the wind. . . . .  I have a feeling that may not be the right thing to write . . . . 

The Storm and a Duck

Many parts of Britain have been enduring storms today, up in Scotland it has been very blowy on the west coast and I think the top recorded wind speed was about 142mph. Although quite a few trees have been destroyed and it appears that at least two folk have been killed, it has to be said folk up north are making less of a fuss in this storm than the BBC did when the last storm was down south. Last time here, there was no wind what so ever, but this time it was different and although we were very much on the fringes of this storm it was certainly rather bouncy outside, with the odd really powerful gust. This resulted in a few bits of wood being blown about and a smashed large garden pot and the weather vane vanishing off the roof. All the sheep have vanished from the fields next door too but I think that may be connected to the man with the sheepdog and a large trailer.

The evening sky tonight as the sun set 

(well it looks peaceful enough)

 The next big worry in several places is a tidal storm surge; I really wish the BBC could report this stuff without making it sound like its going to be the end of the world at times. I think they need to wait and see how bad it is first before they commit themselves to a doomsday option. This will not affect us (the tide), we are rather a long way from the coast and if the sea reaches us then it really is doomsday.

I have bought a Christmas present today so a bit of a shock for BBC news although apparently they have no interest in this even though I managed to do it online. I should have bought a fish, I notice it is possible to buy a battery powered fish that looks and swims just like a real fish although it tastes rubbish.  But the idea of buying a fish online (HAH HAH HAH HAH HA HAH HAH Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) is slightly amusing OK only very slightly. It’s a sustainable fish joke HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH AH HAH HAH HAH AH ha ha ha.

I have also moved a mirror a small distance and took a picture of the sky today.   OOOOoooo yes I also had to check that the Steam Powered Duck was safe when it was blown off her pond, she was. . . . . . 

Reuniouns, Proof of Aliens Breeding on Earth and Dogs

Before I return to tell more of the secret mission on the South Wales coast I must first let you know I have been close to the North Wales Coast today on what was a grand reunion for old school friends. I must also add that although I was there it was not a grand reunion for my school and I did not have a clue who anyone was, and they did not know who I was, although they all knew each other. It is odd being at the grand reunion of folk who have not seen one another for up to 40 odd years or so when you have never met them before, but they were all very nice people and I got to have a nice lunch, a hot chocolate and an exciting drive along some of the wettest motorways I have ever been on which was well scary….

So while on the subject of wet scary things I should show you my proof of aliens breeding on the beaches of Saundersfoot in Pembrokeshire, because it is rather convincing. And before anyone thinks I have been tinkering with the picture I can assure you I have not. The only thing I have not worked out is do these aliens remain tiny aliens in which case they can sneak about unseen, after all I did photograph those Nano-Alien spacecraft way back when and those two bits of evidence do rather link up rather well. On the other hand they could grow into huge aliens very fast and pass themselves off as members of the yacht club; in fact could it be the local yacht club is a front for alien activity.

Note the little Alien faces as they emerge from their shells

 One other small thing I noticed about beaches is they have a strange effect on two particular creatures on the planet; both go a bit silly when placed on a nice sandy beach, Humans and Dogs.  Is there a reason for this what is in both men and dogs that makes them run about on beaches digging holes and chasing balls, is the fact that a dog will see man as a god and god is in fact dog backwards significant. Could it be that we both emerged from the primitive earth’s sea millions of years ago at the same time, man throwing his first pointy stick at his prey only to have it returned by a primitive dog wagging his tail and waiting for a treat, did this lead to the hotdog (lead . . . dog . . . Hah HAHHAH ha hah ha hah ha hah ha hah hah ah ah ah ha hhhah hahah ha hah hah ha ha ha hahah ah)      

The Space Ferret, The Paddle Steamer and the Pirates of the Caribbean . . . . HAR HAR HAR

So what exciting events happened today I hear you type, well I sort of did things that I have done before really, starting with a bit of Zombie defence maintenance, it is after all important to be vigilant or they will sneak in; and before you can say Boris Karloff they are stabbing at your head with a knife and fork demanding dinner. OK yes quite a lot of them prefer spoons because lets face it the right hand, left hand, mouth coordination of a Zombie is famously RUBBISH.

After this I had a small bonfire to try and get rid of a pile of bits still lingering about from when the men with chainsaws removed the trees that were starting to get tangled up in the power lines that run over the corner of the garden. It was not really the best bonfire I have had but such is the way of bonfires, but at least all the stuff that was on it burnt even if there is still rather a large pile of more bits to burn in the future.

I then decided that after the events of yesterday where the man in the moon was eaten by a space gecko I needed to make escape plans in case the beast turns up here. So I tested the Steam Powered Steam Paddle Steamer in the pond. It was raining a bit at the time so an excellent test of the conditions I will have to face when being pursued by a space gecko, and it also gave me the opportunity to do a quick re-enactment of  Pirates of the Caribbean again . . . . .HAR HAR HAR

Shiver me timbers

Sail the Main Brace.

Lash them to the seagull and make em talk about planks? ….. (sorry Walk the Plank)

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

Roast the parrot on the gibbered

More power Scotty there be a storm brewin HAR HAR

We'll have no Rhett Butler’s on this here paddle steamer, feed him to the sharks

It be gold HAR HAR

Run for your lives it’s a Space Ferret (sorry Gecko) HAR HAR HAR

Battle stations Dive Dive Dive . . . . . . . .NO hang on that’s not right

AH mum has said IDIOT.

Small Ships in Big Seas and Bigger Fish to Fry in the World of Cardboard Art

Guess what …….. Yes it is DAMN hot again, but I won’t go on about it, I am not like those other Brits; you will never hear me complaining about the weather . . . . . . . . (Much . . . . . . . OK a bit). As it happens I had bigger fish to fry so to speak which is an ideal saying as it happens because not only could I have fried a fish on the patio today, but I was left with two and a half hours maximum to come up with a brilliant idea for the over enthusiastic small children who I am sort of doing art with in the junior school at Monty. I think all the heat made me decide that what we needed was a sea theme so bigger fish to fry is a very suitable saying indeed I also love fried fish YUM. So I created (in a mad rush) the sea and a pirate boat so that the small enthusiastic children could decorate the sea with fish and sea monsters  . . . . . OK sea monsters, small children love a few sea monsters and as it happens so do I, although I must admit they are better when they are huge real sea monsters with loads of pointy teeth eating sun bathers on Brighton Beach.

I sort of nicked a bit of Moroccan blue paint to paint the sea so as long as I don’t write about that in my diary mum and dad will never know . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN. Still it did make the sea look WELL COOL although in passing I should say it was rather a hot day (VERY VERY HOOOOOOT). 

At the school the enthusiastic small children were rather frazzled by the heat so drawing sea monsters and fish was more than they were capable of doing so we tried musical chairs which worked for a short time but it was too hot to run about so was only a temporary solution in the end we were left with making fans, not the ones that run about screaming, but the ones you flap about in your own face to remain cool. I can make a good fan so it kept one or two of them quite for a while (a very short while), I then staggered home in the heat and will remain hidden until it cools down.  Mr F is going to visit us tomorrow and will stop for a few days so I may have to do rather short diary entries, it may be regarded as rather antisocial to hid on a PC when you have old friends stopping………

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A picture can tell the story of a thousand words and a seagull

I am rather tired and it is getting rather late so I have drawn a picture to explain the whole days events, after all they do say a picture tells the story of a thousand words. And it is possible to do a quick drawing,  much quicker that typing a thousand words, which would be spelt badly anyway, it is, you see easier to do a bad drawing that everyone understands that a bad story that gets confused.

However if you are reading the paperback and there is no picture then all I can say is it was one hell of a day and I told that ghost writer eating the seagull would only end in tears 

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The Storm and the Force Twelve+ and a lucky escape

The weather forecast on the radio last night was terrible for today, with rain wind and cold, like being at sea in a force twelve+. I am not sure how many of you have been out at sea in a force twelve+ but I can tell you it is not nice. The best place to be is on the bridge with the captain and his trusty lieutenant. Well I thought it was until you realize they are both saying OH ********* look at that wave *********** *****. It is also odd that one minute you can see nothing but sky the ship shaking and pointing upwards at rather an acute angle, then the next second the ship seesaws, there is a huge bang and you are looking down and all you see is sea, no sky just a wall of water……WELL COOL?.  The bit at the bottom before going up again is best left out of this story however.

This is the very ship that I sailed through the force twelve+ storm on when it was called 

The Shearwater Sapphire. I was up on the Bridge standing forth window from the port side.

Still the point is it can get wet, so I made sure that everyone went to school today suitably dressed for this possible rain and stuff, with sou’wester coat and hat and waders. I also took the precaution of ensuring everyone had lifejackets and associated survival equipment,  just in case of flooding.  As it turned out though the weather was not quite that bad in fact it did not rain until almost midday and even then it was more just drizzle and grey skies. This was not good, you would think that it was good but no, not when you have convinced everyone at school to dress up in several layers of waterproof rubber and lifejackets plus big waders and thick gloves.  I was very worried as I was unable to runaway from the angry masses who said I had made them all look like IDIOTS, luckily although I was unable to move little faster than a snail neither could anyone else. As I tried to escape along the high street chased by forty five angry people we appeared to panic a bus tour from Japan who thought that they were being attacked by strange bright yellow rubber Zombie creatures from the dark swamps of darkest Wales, “Swamp Zombies”.

The Japanese according to the dog are easily spooked by angry mumbling Swamp Zombies as a result of a series of badly made cult films in the sixties and early seventies that has left an indelible mark on their nations psyche

I did escape in the end, when I met one of the Fighting Fishermen of Fishguard  (from the A to Z challenge) who thought I was his lucky mascot from his trusty trawler, being perused by EU fishermen  complaining about the British Whelk.   

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