The rambling words of a Newt Keeper

It has been a couple of days since the last post posted on this blog which was about hard working families and the reason I have not posted a post is because I have been working hard on you know what. Yes the Kitchen, you see I discovered that a couple of pipes from the range cooker sort of went where I did not want them too, so I have been sorting it out (sort of). Anyway it means that the problem will now look like it was all planned and when folk look I will say. . . . . . . . Oooooooo it was all quite easy really and everything went as expected. . . . Which will be a lie as houses do like to fight change, as do people generally.

It has rained today which is not nice but I guess it does keep all the plants (and us) alive and the ponds filled up and the newts and toads happy. I had to move four toads and a couple of Great Crested Newts yesterday that were living in a tarpaulin in the part of the garden that has the apple trees in. They did not have it propped up like a tent and were not huddled round a fire to keep warm toasting the odd fly on a skewer complaining about hard times. The tarpaulin was lying on the ground and rotting and needed to be moved and the little critters were making the most of the perfect conditions to chill among the fruit trees.

 I saw a huge hornet at the same time . . . it was huge and I mean really giant sized huge,  in fact it was run away screaming huge shouting what the hell is that thing. . . .  It was the largest hornet I have ever seen outside of a scary sci-fi movie about man eating hornets.

OK back to the newts, because while at the Friday market in the village I was informed that it is illegal to handle a newt in the UK without a licence. What was particularly odd about finding this out was it happened before I found the newts under the tarpaulin. As the subject of newts had arisen in connection with another unrelated issue to do with other folk in the village, who as it happens would like a couple of our newts.  But we do have loads of them and a bloody huge Hornet. . . AAAAAauuuuuuuuGGGgggggHHHHHH.  

By now you might be thinking what the hell is he rambling on about why has he told us about newts well the fact is I have reached one of those moments known as writers block and no one likes writers block when you spend hours looking at a blank sheet of paper.  Well with all this kitchen building I don’t have time for writers block so I writing freestyle with no idea of where it is all going to end, which ironically is NOW.

OOOOOOooo just to say the picture has no bearing on the words but she might be shouting . . .  AAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHH A HORNET. . .

Another old story from the past that I am annoying the masses with

Another oldie because I am a lazy chap. . . . Anyway the BBC do it all the time and folk never complain . . . OK they never complain much . . . . OK yes they do complain loads, but what is a chap to do, I have many things that need to be done. . .

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

So once upon a time . . . .

Captain Nigel Nash had long planned to sail his ship the Nautilus to Nepal in his search for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway. Then luckily for him one of the New Nouveau riche of the time, a Naturalist called Sir Napier Winky Knapsack. . . (The inventor of the Knapsack) heard of his plans. Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said he was prepared to finance the intrepid journey, but he wanted to search for the famous and incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newt (no not like the nodding dog in your car).

The journey was long and fraught with numerous nasty obstacles along the way of which we will not talk now, or we will be here till the cows came home (a silly saying, as they come home every day)….

As they sailed into Nepal much to the surprise of almost everyone not the least of which is my geography teacher? They cheered and set about organising the long trek into the mountains to hunt for the incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newts which are blind and live in caves. This proved difficult as there was talk of a tribe of cannibals called the Nip Nip tribe. However the good news was that the Nip Nip tribe hated the unnatural and in their opinion Chemical laden Nasty Junk Food of Western man, so all that was needed was a bottle of Cola and a Big Mac in a polystyrene carton about your person and they would see you as contaminated meat, and not fit for human consumption.

With the help of the much friendlier Nap Nap tribe they set off up into the mountains. It was an uneventful trip full of snow, Yeti’s, crevasses, rock slides and angry mountain goats, a few deaths and the amputation of several fingers and toes. But they reached their destination unscathed (well a bit unscathed OK they were scathed to bits). . . . . . As they surveyed the scene they were surrounded by the famous Nip Nip tribe, but Captain Nigel Nash and his men waved Big Macs and bottles of cola, taking big swigs and burping loudly. The Nip Nip looked appalled and were about to leave when the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack asked a Nap Nap translator to give the Nip Nip the following message. . . . . . .

I AM A NATURALIST CALLED SIR NAPIER WINKY KNAPSACK I AM LOOKING FOR THE VERY RARE BLIND NEPALESE NOCTURNAL NODDING NEWT THAT LIVES IN THE CAVES. I WISH TO RETURN TO BRITAIN WITH MANY BREEDING PAIRS TO SAVE THE SPECIES FOR MANKIND. CAN YOU HELP ME MEET SOME

However the Nap Nap sort of got the translation wrong and what the cannibals of the Nip Nip tribe thought Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said was the following

I AM SIR NAPIER WINKY KNAPSACK,I AM COMPLETELY ORGANIC; I HAVE LIVED IN THE CAVES OF BRITAIN EATING PEARS AND BREAD AND THE OCCASIONAL NEWT. I HAVE SPENT ALL MY LIFE ON A NATURAL DIET. I WOULD LIKE TO COME WITH YOU SO YOU CAN EAT SOME OF ME.

Of course the Nip Nip tribe were very pleased and cheered and led Sir Napier Winky Knapsack up into the high mountains and he was never seen again. Captain Nigel Nash waited a few days but the crew ran out of coke and burgers and so returned to their ship to continue the hunt for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway, which they never found although they did discover NotFound Land. A land that has not been found since.

On their return to Britain many folk asked Captain Nigel Nash about the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack, which after a time started to annoy him and so he took to telling folk. . . . . . . . . WELL A NOD IS AS GOOD AS A WINKY TO A BLIND NEWT.    

Newton Newton III . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Newton Newton III

Newton Newton III (known to his friends as Ken) had been born into a poor mining family, his father (Newton Newton II) moving to London after he lost his job in the mines when new technology was introduced in the form of the Hutt Hydraulic Hammer. But Newton Newton III was an upbeat young man who loved to explore nature and was convinced that humans had evolved from an earlier less intelligent species on the planet. He often observed the dog eat dog lifestyle of the poverty of the Victorian ghettos of London and how man would battle with dogs to get the scraps of the well off in order to survive, recording the details in his many journals. Unfortunately this led Newton Newton III (Ken) to believe man was descended from dogs which ultimately resulted in his theory being dropped in favour of that of Charles Darwin,

He did realise however that he did not have to go on The Grand Tour to Greece, Persia or Venice or hunt for the source of the Amazon or Nile or climb huge mountains in order to discover new species of plants, animals, pigeons or insects, Publishing several books based on his own ideas and observing the many aspects of wildlife missed by his more affluent contemporaries in more exotic climates.

In fact today several of his books have become classics of there time proving good science is not all about money, these include the following publications

The streams of the Bradford Suburbs

The hedgerows of Port Talbot

The source of the old hill road to Stockdale

The many ponds of Luton

Lyons in London . . . A Guide to Wildlife in London Café Culture.

After discovering a new species of bright red frog in the ponds of Luton Newton Newton III became known as Red Ken. Then as he got older he went into politics having seen the poverty of many parts of Britain eventually becoming head of the GLC (Greater London Council), but his first passion was always wildlife and exploring the backwaters of Great Britain.    

N is for Nonsense, Newts and the Northwest Passage (a history lesson about Great British explorers)

A tale of a Great British explorer, and What makes us Brits Great.

Many Moons ago . . . . . .

Captain Nigel Nash had long planned to sail his ship the Nautilus to Nepal in his search for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway. Then luckily for him one of the New Nouveau riche, a Naturalist called Sir Napier Winky Knapsack. . . (The inventor of the Knapsack) heard of his plans.  Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said he was prepared to finance the intrepid journey, but he wanted to search for the famous and incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newt (no not like nodding dogs in your car).

The journey was long and fraught with numerous nasty obstacles along the way of which we will not talk now, or we will be here till the cows came home (a silly saying, as they come home every day)…. 

As they sailed into Nepal much to the surprise of almost everyone not the least of which is my geography teacher? They cheered and set about organising the long trek into the mountains to hunt for the incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newts which are blind and live in caves. This proved difficult as there was talk of a tribe of cannibals called the Nip Nip tribe. However the good news was the the Nip Nip tribe hated the unnatural and in their opinion Chemical laden Nasty Junk Food of Western man, so all that was needed was a bottle of Cola  and a Big Mac in a polystyrene carton about your person and they would see you as contaminated meat, and not fit for human consumption.

With the help of the much friendlier Nap Nap tribe they set off up into the mountains. It was an uneventful trip full of snow,  Yeti’s, crevasses, rock slides and angry mountain goats, a few deaths and the amputation of several fingers and toes.  But they reached their destination unscathed (well a bit unscathed). . . . . . As they surveyed the scene they were surrounded by the famous Nip Nip tribe, but Captain Nigel Nash and his men waved Big Macs and bottles of cola, taking big swigs and burping loudly. The Nip Nip looked appalled and were about to leave when the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack asked a Nap Nap translator to give the Nip Nip the following message. . . . . . .

I am a Naturalist called Sir Napier Winky Knapsack I am looking for the very rare Blind Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newt that lives in the caves. I wish to return to Britain with many Breeding pairs to save the species for mankind. Can you help me meet some

However the Nap Nap sort of got the translation wrong and what the cannibals of the Nip Nip tribe thought Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said was the following

I am Sir Napier Winky Knapsack, Completely organic; I have lived in the caves of Britain eating Pears and Bread and the occasional newt. I have spent all my life on a natural diet. I would like to come with you so you can eat some of me.

Of course the Nip Nip tribe were very pleased and cheered and led Sir Napier Winky Knapsack up into the high mountains and he was never seen again.  Captain Nigel Nash waited a few days but the crew ran out of coke and burgers and so returned to their ship to continue the hunt for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway, which they never found although they did discover NotFound Land.

On their return to Britain many folk asked Captain Nigel Nash about the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack, which after a time started to annoy him and so he took to telling folk. . . . . . . . . Well a nod is as good as a winky to a blind Newt

Micro Gods, Tennis, Building a Moroccan Water Feature . . . . . And Newt Spicy Pickle

Today was very hot indeed possibly the hottest day of the year and I think we reached 30C which is something that does not happen that much in the UK, Dad is pleased of course because it means that the Solar Panels on the roof are generating loads of electric and we also have panels for hot water so today we have had more hot water than we know what to do with. Strangely however it was not the best day to work on the construction of a posh Moroccan patio garden, as I was building a raised water feature that will be painted Moroccan blue and may have a rather flash stainless steel cascading waterfall, dropping  down into the present pond. Apparently it can’t be like Niagara Falls because it will make the Newts deaf; Newts are protected in the UK to stop the public making jars of Newt Spicy Pickle which became very popular and almost saw the complete destruction of the little critters in the wild. As it is you can’t buy a jar of Newt Spicy Pickle anywhere now it is as if it never existed much like grass-snake soup and bat fritters all lost to the foibles of modern conservation.

Anyway I have finished all the concrete work now, and it was rather nice to be able to sit out in the evening sun in a half complete Moroccan patio garden having our evening meal and listening to the Castle of the Bishops Samba Band as their drumming drifted across the mile or so towards us on the wind.

Finally I have to say that here in Britain we are reaching the highlight of the tennis season Wimbledon, I am not a fan of tennis but I believe we have a Scotsman in the men’s final tomorrow so all I can say is COME ON TIM. It was the women’s final today which I think was won by a woman. As it happens these things are less sportsman like than you might think because who wins what and when is all in the Hands of Professor Maddos A Hattar the Micro God of Sport and his cat. . . . . . . Anyway my money is on the Grumpy Scotsman in the final tomorrow although I will not watch it; I might go and pickle a few newts……       

Pizza, Marmite Fudge a Blue Sugar Mouse and newts

I have had a long day doing IT stuff with the Ghost Writer, normally that is his area of expertise but he needed someone to use as a human guinea pig to conduct IT experiments on and the only person anyone could think of, who it was felt was expendable was me. Apparently a life in the twilight of reality and cyberspace means I can poke about into a PC and prod RAM and stuff and go oooo no that bit of code does not fit between the bed and the wardrobe and it clashes with the red curtains. It appears this is not how normal IT conversations go between IT folk, but then we are not normal IT folk, well the Ghost Writer certainly is not for a start off he hates computers and says they are the devils work.  He often makes the point that people think by using computers in their office they will use less paper, but the reality is you use more because you can generate more things to print much faster but very often get it wrong at least once.

After a long day of doing IT not only was the Ghost Writer totally spaced out as he is every weak, but so was I. But on my return home and after some pizza and marmite fudge and a blue sugar mouse, I spent the evening doing African drumming with my drumming colleague who is making a pond at present and was wondering if we could sell him some black market crested  newts out of our pond in a sort of nudge nudge wink wink say no more sort of way. Well you know what newts are like, a right bunch of prima donnas.

So there you have it I am late tonight and it is all the ghost Writers fault (again), I bet Steven Spielberg does not have problems with Ghost Writers and computers, and fitting computer code into a  Victorian alcove with an old guilt mirror and flying ducks hanging on the floral wallpaper hand printed in china in 1924.

Sorry it is all a bit of a rush tonight and very late and my brain hurts...... PHEW