Alien creatures in conifer trees. More conclusive proof of alien life on Earth

We are talking aliens today because I have discovered they have already arrived and are hiding in conifer trees and lots of them too (aliens). As you know a bit back we had two large trees cut down, one some sort of spruce tree with spiky leaves and long cones and then the other, some sort of regular conifer tree. The spruce had a critter called spruce aphid, which I believe is green with red eyes which we were told was killing the tree off. The other was just in the wrong place and too big.

Today I have been continuing the bonfire I started yesterday; I love it when they are still glowing the following day. But as I was moving the mounds of conifer cutting and throwing them all on the bonfire I notice movement on the ground, THINGS? There were loads of them; I really mean loads as in loads…. Ok they were not big but I thought the best thing to do was try and get a photo and do a zoom job to get a good look at these strange things and…………………. ALIENS we have been invaded by aliens so don’t panic just stay away from conifers…… No best to PANIC

So here is my theory on these small things, wriggling about on mass on the ground and falling out of the branches as I tried to carry them to the bonfire.

I have previously mentioned that from time to time I have thought I have seen nano-space craft, this may seem odd to one or two of you who are thinking why send a tiny spacecraft to a planet; what is the point. Well a tiny spacecraft needs much less energy to escape gravity so can be powered by a sub atomic particle engine which will allow it to travel close to the speed of light, because of its small physical size. So a tiny spacecraft can travel fast and on much less energy and arrive on an alien planet discretely. Lets face it, a huge thing with flashing lights and twenty foot monsters in silver suits is a bit of a give away.

So in order to take over a planet you need a way of transferring alien DNA into the bodies and minds of the local planets life forms. Mmmmmmm… So what is the best way to do this…….  Well I would say a small tiny worm like critter that can bore into the body of its host then mutate the host using a secret DNA transfer process, which turns the unsuspecting host into a huge twenty foot monster in a silver suit.

It was therefore decided we needed a plan to thwart the aliens and this is what was voted for by a majority verdict with one objection (me). Everyone would lock themselves in the house with the windows closed and I would throw the entire conifer on the fire as fast as possible, but I had to wear gloves. Then I can sleep in the shed for a few days to see if I turn into an alien…… NOT FAIR….. I don’t want to be a huge twenty foot monster in a silver suit (actually it sounds quite cool)……. Mum just said IDIOT.

Ooooooo  I didn’t quite get it all burnt either, because I ran out of steam, something that would not happen if I was twenty foot high……. Mum said IDIOT again

.

Moon Rock, Channel Four, Paralympics, and adverts

We had a surprise visit from Miss Fionaski today who arrived with a present for the Ghost Writer of Biscuits from Mars. Apparently you have to eat them in the morning and they have a strange unpronounceable name which when translated says Biscuits of Curiosity, so I know they must be Martian…. She also had a small piece of Moon rock for him that was all wrapped up in a strange newspaper with Martian writing on it, I think it must have been Martian because I could not read it. It appears the rock has NA 69 on it which I think stands for Neil Armstrong 1969; anyway I have now put it in pride of place in the Big Orange Room, after all it is what the Ghost Writer would want, if I asked him…. Which I won’t.

It is an interesting piece of rock because half of it glows, this will explain why the moon shines some of the time but not all the time, it all depends on which way the rock is pointing

We have just tried to watch a bit of the Paralympics, which started today only we have just given up watching a bit of the Paralympics because Channel Four who are in theory showing them, seem to be more interest in cramming in as many adverts as possible, so about every 10 minutes or less before they have another break. It is so annoying that even hitting the mute is not helping much, resulting in us all switching off and returning to things of a more practical nature, not sure that my blog constitutes something of a practical nature? But now I can say in my opinion Channel for have got off to a really rubbish start showing the Paralympics, lets hope they get their act together and show a bit more sport, less adverts and less waffle …….

I also had a bonfire today (yep another one) and another pile of stuff has been burnt just the raggedy bits of two rather large trees to go so just two huge piles of stuff left HAY HO. OK that’s it I am off how to look at a guitar and do a bit of this and a bit of that……..nudge nudge say no more.

.

the Paralympics Opening Ceremony, Miss Fionaski and Neil Armstrong

So today’s big event was the Ghost Writers Birthday and we all had a family get together to celebrate this and bought him a great big present. However this is not the only reason we are a bit late tonight is the opening ceremony of the Paralympics and we are watching a bit of it. I say watching but we missed the start due to the Ghost Writers party. We are also doing what we did on the Olympic Opening ceremony we have sneaked away as they work there way through the alphabet. WOWS there are a lot of countries, some I have never heard of at all. But it does appear that the Paralympics is more diverse and cosmopolitan and that is good.  Anyway we are waiting until we arrive at say Zanzibar then we will go and see how it finishes tonight. I just hope we don’t have another two weeks of Chariots of Fire on a loop or I will complain to someone and wave my arms about in an annoying way.

As for other news Miss Fionaski has returned from her secret mission to the moon, a week ago I was not sure why the Russians would send their top spy all the way to the moon but with the sad death of Neil Armstrong all is now clear, it was a way to boost KGB funding.  Yes I suspect Neil Armstrong memorabilia will make a fortune on ebay at present, particularly those things that were left on the moon like the stars and strips flag and the rock that Mr Armstrong wrote ‘Neil Was Here’ on. Then there are things like the life size inflatable Elvis which Neil Armstrong was told off for taking and he was forced to leave behind. It was this that started that rumour that Elvis was alive and well and living on the moon when it was spotted by keen amateur astronomers one night.  You are probably thinking would the KGB really go to such ends for funding, but sadly with the ending of the cold war, needs must.

OK I have been away watching the big end of the opening of the Paralympics games and all I can say is overall I think they were better that the Olympics by a long way. There was some really cool stuff. And the Paralympics flame arriving on a zip wire from 350 ft on the top of that ArcelorMittal Orbit was very very clever. And lets face it having an Ian Dury song in the middle of it was brill, but then I am a fan of Ian Dury so would say that, and science, so the inclusion of a huge Newtonian telescope was perfect timing for tonight’s diary. I was even impressed that the British team all dressed up as Neil Armstrong and Steven Hawkins and the moon were there. So all in all it was ******** excellent. The only snag now is it is tomorrow again …….. DAMN…   

Ian Dury's protest song has  a bit of bite .... I was pleased they played it tonight

Cool

Avoiding the cracks in the paving and a huge spider

So here we are the end of another day and the day before the start of the Paralympics, I am rather looking forward to seeing some of these. Because they are being held in the UK it means I will get the opportunity to watch some on a television. Tomorrow is also the birthday of the Grumpy Ghost Writer and we are all off to have a meal with relatives and chat and sort of party. Although it is not easy to party with a grumpy Ghost Writer who will shout and tell everyone HUMBUG.  What he needs is a twenty five foot long sausage roll covered in a million candles; that will cheer him up. He is getting very old now so a million candles is about right because after a certain age the trick is to cram as many candles as possible on things, resulting in the person not being able to blow them all out without a need to have a little lie down afterwards.

It appears today was another quiet day, I say appears because there I was pondering the universe and not walking on the cracks on the patio paving because it would result in a huge hairy 15 ft high spider leaping out from behind the hedge. The dog went to look for the spider but said he could not find one. I had to explain it was a pretend spider not a real one as I needed an excuse not to stand on the cracks on the patio paving and a 15 ft spider seemed like a jolly good one.

Of course the dog kept watching me then and every time I stood on a crack on the patio paving the dog would shout at me, I did explain I was pretending that I had not stood on the cracks because it is difficult to ponder the universe and avoid them at the same time. In the end the dog dressed up as a 15 ft spider and when I accidently stood on the crack leapt on me stabbed me with a hypodermic needle wrapped me up in silk rope and hung me in a tree. By the time I came round it was tea time and I had to shout for ages to get someone to cut me free, I did explain to mum and dad that the dog did it, but he said it was a very large spider that had emerged from a crack in the patio paving.  Mum then asked me if I had not been stepping on the cracks in the patio paving to avoid the huge spider, well I said YES BUT…… Then the dog said he had spent the day fighting the huge beast to protect me, at which point mum said WELL DONE and gave him a large bone, I did say that’s NOT FAIR so mum gave me a large bone too?

According to dad once children start avoiding the cracks in the paving it must be almost time to go back to school after the long summer holiday (summer?)....

.

Drums, lions and the polar ice cap

So today was bank holiday Monday, the August Bank Holiday Monday the last few days when we traditionally run off to the sea making sand castles eating ice cream wearing shorts and sunglasses and smiling. In reality that was not the case as the weather was predicted to be not nice, and this morning it was less not nice than we had anticipated making us all think ooooooooo maybe it will be OK and we can do things outside. Maybe like run off to the sea making sand castles eating ice cream wearing shorts and sunglasses and smiling. But before we could seriously consider the options it started to rain get very grey and become cold and horrible.

It meant I retreated to the Orange room again to clear some space as my drumming colleague was due to turn up (he turned up) to drum this evening

As it turned out when we did start drumming the acoustics were rather interesting. You would think rooms in a house would generally be the same acoustically but no they differ immensely. So it appears the orange room will be perfect for guitars but I will need to experiment with the drums a bit.  We also decided that we would play an African drum version of the classic song ‘Fanfare to the Common Man in Space’ as our final hooray to Mr Neil Armstrong…..Although we are not sure what his views on African Drumming were…

I noticed also on the news on the wireless that the polar ice sheet has now shrunk to the smallest in recorded history, although that is only thirty years. But rather than think o dear poor old polar bear everyone is sending oil expiration vessels, and you can’t help but wonder if it will all end in tears.

Oooooo and I notice the Lion running wild in the south of England might be a ginger tom cat, no look I am sorry but are they all wimps down there how do you mistake a ginger cat and a lion….

I think in short I am saying not much happened today…… Maybe I should retire I am running out of creative stream…….  

.

A tribute to Neil Armstrong, Yuri Gagarin, Great Uncle Freddie and the moon

Last night the world learnt of the death of Neil Armstrong who as we all know was the second man on the moon. I know the general view is that he was the first, but Great Uncle Freddie was the first; only he too was a modest chap and of course the only pictures were those on Great Uncle Freddie’s old box brownie. And in an incredible coincidence of fate, the same thing happened to Great Uncle Freddie and the now late great Neil Armstrong. 

You see technology was such that when Neil Armstrong went to the moon taking his trusty camera as you do, (lets face it, you are not going to go that far and not take a few personal photos) it was still the days of 35mm film… So on his return to Earth Mr Armstrong popped down to the chemist and left his rolls of film to be developed. However a week later on his return he was given pictures of an unknown family on a beach, luckily his efforts were recorded by NASA, unlike Great Uncle Freddie who then had no evidence to prove his story.

Anyway as a mad distorted and weird tribute to the late Neil Armstrong; I had a re-enactment today of his first steps on the moon, captured on my trusty digital camera. Far safer that letting a little shop send them to a man in a darkroom whom can’t read the labels to see whose film is whose because it is far to dark to read them.

You may notice in order to make it all look as real as possible we have tweaked the picture slightly but only a bit, some of you may notice the resemblance between me and Great Uncle Freddie (but not Neil Armstrong), apparently according to mum he was an IDIOT too (Great Uncle Freddie not Neil he was COOL).

And please remember that you are all expected to have a look at the moon tonight and say hello to Neil, alternatively you could kneel and say hello to the moon….. HAH HAHHAHAH HAH AHh ah hahhah hhah hah haha hah hahahahahhahhahh hah hah ha.

I think it might be good to say hello to Yuri Gagarin at the same time as he was the first man in space (second after Great Uncle Freddie)

Ooooooo by the way we had loads of gliders going over the house today probably about a dozen, which may not seem a lot but how often do gliders go over your house it is not very often at all. And we saw a frog, and ate spicy cheese scones………YUM.  

.

The homemade Steam Powered Strimmer and the Strange Random Noise Enhancement Array

Today has been a day a very heavy showers and then warm sunny patches, and after a tense game of Paper Scissors Stone I found myself instructed to cut the grass between showers, which I did. Because of the wet I was forced to use dads homemade Steam Powered Strimmer it is not one of his better inventions for many reasons not the least because of its weight. Dad would normally use micro technology to build a miniature superheated steam powered multi piston expansion chamber with a heat recycler, but he say he could not be bothered in the case of the Strimmer. Partly because I always loose at Scissors Paper Stone so he never has too use it and he fancied going back to the roots of steam  with a big old fashioned cast iron boiler fired by coke (not the drink or the drug). That is all very well but it is not easy to strim the grass when it is all you can do to pick up the strimmer in the first place.

Still it amused the dog, the cats, mum, dad and the Ghost Writer (who was taking pictures to show his friends) and passers by on the road, in particular the big steam traction engine that went by, I am not sure where that came from or where it going but it looked good. Luckily in the end the rain became more persistent and the firebox got all damp so I lost pressure (the strimmer lost pressure) and I was able to give up; although I was to put it bluntly knackered………..

I have also been putting things on walls in the Orange room and trying to find various little black electronic boxes and cables that all link together to make The Strange Random Noise Enhancement Array. The little Black boxes are getting a bit old now the fact that two of them are in fact cassette tape based says much, I wonder if it is possible to still buy blank cassette tapes mmmmmmmmmm.  I think it will take some time to find all the various bits for The Strange Random Noise Enhancement Array but that is OK and I need to remember how it all goes together.

Dads Weather Machine is set for sunny tomorrow so that is good although he thinks he has got an infestation of slugs at present that are manipulating things on the inside, as dad says you cant trust the Shockley Diode Equation once a subversive rough slug has interfered with the barriers of the diodes….  

.

The Pre before the Preview before the Post Preview. Time does Fly

Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop closed way back at the end of March his vast subterranean labyrinth of floors and chambers where the bulk of his extensive collection of objects were kept mysteriously vanishing back into the depths of his domain. For now anyway until a time that Mr Beelzebub calls Global Warming with Pointy teeth (none of that mandy-pamby half baked Global Warming). 

It has (his domain) all been scrubbed and cleaned by his minions, if they did a good job they were allowed a glass of water before being dipped in the cauldron full of bubbling molten rabbits?

Anyway the reason I mention this is we are off to the little gallery that has now moved into this shop, to an exhibition preview tonight. I did not have to make invites and I don’t need to remember anyone’s name or circulate and get confused……WELL COOL.

 However before we go we plan to stop in Bishops Castle to do a bit of this and a bit of that, as you do in this part of the world. So I am splitting tonight’s diary entry into a pre preview and post preview, this bit being the pre, so I will go now and return in the post ( I don’t mean the postman will squeeze me though the letterbox either).

PART TWO ......................... LATER

………………………… A bit Later

We have returned from the preview so I am now in the post preview position allowing me to bring you all right up to date. It all looked like it was going really well and loads of folk had turned up, I even knew the names of quite a lot of them although there were people who I didn’t know the name of but then I don’t think they knew who I was…… WELL COOL.

I did notice one omission from the Preview something my good friend Napoleon Beelzebub always made sure was at all previews because he knew that there was a little gang of us who just loved them and would sign all those contracts he used to stick in front of folk when they were otherwise distracted by the aroma and taste of these little sticks of addictive deliciousness, yes there were no TWIGLETS………. Yes it was a bit of a shock so in order to recover from this I took a chance and ventured into the Monty chip shop and had some fairly good fish and chips. Not as good as The Sun Inn in Marton or Big Bills Greasy Fur-ball Café but not too bad for a chippy.

However I have eaten everything now drank a drink of tea and plan to put my feet up, if only I could get my hands on a few packets of TWIGLETS I could sit and eat all night, I wonder if moths taste the same, the cat eats them from time to time.

YUCK apparently not………… Mum has just said IDIOT

.

James Bond and the Toad, a Glider and the Paralympics.

As many of you know my diary is written as a manuscript for that very nice Steven Spielberg to read and go Oooooooooooo that would make a good movie, admittedly a rather long movie these days (or alternatively Quick get an injunction that Rob Z Tobor is sending me that bloody manuscript again).  Book One started on the 15^th August 2010 and finished on 4^th Sep 2011 and ran to 161,000 words. Book Two started on the 5^th Sep 2011 and will end in the first week of Sep 2012 and is presently 148, 000 words long.  So I have been writing this for two years now. My plan was too outlive that silly Harry Potter but to do that I will need to be pottering about (pottering …..HAH HAHAHH HAHH hahhah hah ah hah ah hah hah ahh ah hahah hhah ahhah hah ) for about four more years so that will be about 1,000,000 words in total.

I am not sure what Mr Steven Spielberg is going to say if he ends up with the whole 1,000,000 words in one go, it might break his desk, especially if it is all on posh paper (I insist on posh paper). Anyway it is good to know I have officially passed 300,000 words now. This does not include all the comments of my colleagues in cyberspace in my various outlets; that would add at least another 50,000 words to it….. and you would all want your cut of the royalties (that’s nothing so far so PHEW?)

OK right back to today……….. So today I found a toad he was only a small toad and did not respond to a single command and refused to talk to me or the dog, he just looked at us in a sort of toad way. Then we saw a glider being towed by a small plane, the people in the glider do not respond to us either they just looked at us in a towed way too………. Towed Way Too, sounds like a villain in a Kung foo or Bond movie ‘So Mr Bond you will be put in the tank of toads and they will eat you alive HAH HAHHAH HAH HHAH HAH HHAH HAHH HAHAHHHAHHAH HAHH HHAHA hah hahh hah hah hah hah hahahh ha…….. Your glider has been toWed away HAH HAH ah hah hah hah hah hah hahh haha hah ha’

I also had yet another bonfire, as and when Mr Spielberg finally gets round to making the movie one thing in abundance will be large bonfires.

That reminds me four bonfires were lit last night for the Paralympics  on the four highest peaks of the UK in the rain, I don’t wish to rubbish the start but they were not the best of bonfires I wish they had told me I would have given them a real bonfire to get things going. I have also notice they only get silver Olympic torches not gold, now come that’s not fair.

I am looking forward to the Paralympics, lets face it is easy to run fast when you have all your limbs and they work properly, doing it with bits missing or crumpled takes real guts….  

.

a moiré pattern, a huge bowl of meringue, ice cream and maple syrup and the brain.

I appear to have lost my brain and energy today, I am not sure where either has gone and with luck they will return soon. In order to restore my energy I have resorted to a huge bowl of meringue, ice cream and maple syrup (the proper stuff not the fake one that’s horrid). The dog insists that he too needs energy and tried to run off which my bowl but I managed to throw my body over it and stop him, although it did crush my meringue, ice cream and maple syrup a bit and I now look like I have been in a snow storm, and appear to be very popular with several of the local pigeons who it appears like meringue, ice cream and maple syrup almost as much as I do. My worry is that the cats are now stalking the pigeons so if they leap at them I will be clawed to bits rather than pecked to bits. Dad has suggested that he pins me down on the lawn overnight and I will be licked clean by slugs saving on water and soap and avoiding spreading meringue, ice cream and maple syrup all over the house. It can be a right old game getting that out of carpets.

As for my brain I think the best thing is too relate the brain into a movement, say a small electro magnetic device floating above a monorail that moves in very small and irregular movements which you can only monitor from some distance away. The small irregular movements represent thought. So in order to make a brain work we need to enhance this in order to see the movement or understand the thought.

Yes I can see you are already with me lets use a moiré pattern effect using slightly offset fine parallel lines that create a so called fringe effect.  As you will all know the moiré pattern when two sets of parallel lines are used will create lines of light and dark that greatly enhance the movement, thus a small meaningless thought like …… That bit of meringue looks just like Einstein’s head will be turned into a solution to the very perplexing issue of where has all the dark matter gone and is there any more maple syrup in the cupboard.

The one draw back to the moiré pattern effect is it uses the same part of my brain as the part that can not proof read my own writing so although I can detect small movements and solve the matters of the universe I sadly cant type………….. DAM. I think I need more meringue, ice cream and maple syrup.

.

The chipped cat and the orange room

The weather today was like Jekyll & Hyde, one moment the sun would be shining and the birds singing it was warm and all was well with the world then the next it was all hell let loose on the world. The wind would blow and big dark clouds would turn up and throw huge amounts of rain in our face, a bit like the bully at the beach kicking sand in our face (only it was rain).

This made plans very difficult although the first job today was too take Sooty the Cat to the vet it appears he may have been chipped with a faulty chip. That’s technology for you it all looks great until it is stuck inside a cat. Or in dad’s weather machines case until a cat is stuck inside the technology.  So Sooty the Cat (he’s Black by the way) had to be scanned. A bit like  a tub of ice cream in the supermarket; to ensure that he is not a tub of ice cream from the supermarket, but Sooty the Cat (a Black cat), luckily he is, and we all went home happy especially Sooty the Cat who thought if he was a tub of ice cream he would have been eaten. I think he was safe, none of us fancied cat flavoured ice cream much.

So I was back in that orange room yet again today doing things. I suspect some of you are wondering what is the orange room for, why would the Eccentric Child of Cyberspace be spending all his time in an orange room, moving stuff making desks and shelves, and generally turning his diary into a huge tale of screw drivers and wood saws. Well there are reasons, I have taken a little photograph of what is a clue, that’s clue not glue, although I did use a lot of wood glue today, plus some screws and a hammer, several screwdrivers and although I prefer not to admit it, a spirit level. I appear to have lost the knack of knowing what is level or square by doing it by eye, it may be down to the vary focal glasses these days and being as blind as a bat (the flying beasts not the cricket bat, although the flying beasts eat crickets and cricket bats cant see either).

I am at present helping the Ghost Writer do some stuff with computers that he needs to do before he goes to work tomorrow and is taking him much longer than he thought due to a dodgy USB memory stick. So to help I have used the wood glue to stick it in; that should help loads…….. …….. …….. …….. …….. …….AH apparently not…… DAMN. Mum has said IDIOT

.

The Bradley Wiggins Effect, a Strimmer, Heavy Harry the Cat and the Chicken

The summer holiday appears to be rapidly going at the speed of a speeding express train (no not slow I mean quickly) and I appear to be doing DIY and gardening every day, that can’t be right. This diary is meant to be the diary of an eccentric child of cyberspace, a Peter Pan character in a Harry Potter world only less sulky and moody and in an Adrian Mole Diary format. So all this DIY and gardening is fundamentally wrong, however I am working on it, and I talked the dog into eating a large alarm clock. Peter Pan had a large scary ticking beast, unfortunately I had not considered the fact that the dog would chew my alarm clock quite that much so it stopped ticking.  You can let a dog off once with that mistake but after he had chewed the fifth alarm clock I was a bit annoyed and had no alarm clocks left. In the end he swallowed my ipop in one go and spend the day busking outside the out of town supermarket singing the Ace of Spades (again, I know it’s a small world, things repeat themselves).

Meanwhile Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy is off today to the moon on a secret mission which I must not mention……..DAM……… Sorry I did, and Captain Nessman of the High Seas starts heading off for his adventure in China tomorrow.  I think I am allowed to mention that so that’s OK…….. …….. ……….. …….. AH No sorry……..DAM.

Heavy Harry the Cat and the chicken have sort of been playing although Heavy Harry the Cat was not entirely happy that the Chicken tried to nick his drink. Mum was out in her black Lamborghini and muttering about the so called Bradley Wiggins effect, this for those who do not know of the Bradley Wiggins effect is groups of unfit men on expensive bicycles cycling on the road and looking like a heart attack on wheels. I personally think it is best to leave this to Bradley Wiggins himself he is much better at it that the rest of us after all I would not leap out of a tall tree and flap my arms just because a pigeon does (yes yes I know I did try it just the once).

As for me I was gardening again, well after I stripped the strimmer down and rebuilt in which took half the morning to do, it was bought in 1995 and spent the first 10 years of its life outside regardless of the weather so it sometimes decides to sulk a bit. I once met the man who invented and designed Black and Decker’s first electric string trimmer in 1970 (the model #8200) but he never got the credit for the design which was given to an American the following year. Life is fickle (again). But this is all a distraction from the fact I have not done anything interesting today what so ever.

Oooooo I did catapult a dead pigeon over a fence……….

.

Bollywood Food, Steven Spielberg and the Icelandic fridge leprechauns

The day started wet, that is not what the man on the weather forecast on the wireless said last night or this morning and it remained like this till lunchtime when it suddenly became sunny. It was rather interesting because the cloud suddenly ended as a line across the sky and it was blue and clear one side and all cloud the other, maybe dad has finally got that weather machine working.

I was unfortunately set to work in the Orange room again moving a cabinet out and a shelf unit in. That sounds easy enough but both were full of stuff loads of stuff, we have loads of stuff because we like stuff and none of us like to throw things away just in case.  Then I had to put a CD rack up that holds loads of CD’s but it proved rather a tricky thing to do, which should not happen, it should be easy.  Not too much left to do now though  

I think the problem is iffy walls the drill starts to wander about a bit and then everything is out of alignment; I can see now, why I was made to do all this. Then when I was putting up a curtain rail I found a huge great I-beam, (not an iphone or ilaser death ray). 

I have just been told that it is all very well writing what I have done in my diary but that very nice Stephen Spielberg is hardly likely to make a how to do DIY film. Personally I would not put it past him he is a fickle film maker and you just can’t tell what he might do after all he is rather diverse in his choices. The dog says that I stand more change of making it onto one of the What the Butler Sawed in Half Machines on the pier at Blackpool or Brighton rather than the wide screen in 3D, but he will change his mind when we get offered loads of money……. Mum says IDIOT.

We have just had a rather yummy Indian takeaway from the Indian restaurant in Monty so I am now going to put my feet up and chill….. I say that but I will not be putting my feet up anything and will remain warm rather than trying to freeze, it is difficult to be relaxed while you are cold unless you are one of those Icelandic fridge leprechauns that causes agro in the fridge, eating all the good bits like chocolate and the ice cream. I haven’t seen one myself but both dad and the dog have, and I have noticed chocolate vanishing.

.

The E type Jaguar, the medieval chairs and the combine harvester

Today started in a fairly traditional Saturday morning way with a quick trip to the Bishops Castle (he still refuses to come out), where provisions in the form of milk and bread were purchased and a decent newspaper so that we can catch up with the worlds news. I will have to do some politics again soon I think just to prod the world with a pointy stick and see if we can dislodge a snake from a computer. Nothing to do with me by the way, cats are to blame.

We then went to purchase suitable desk chairs for the slowly emerging orange room. Luckily we found the ideal things, a pair of highly carved but slightly battered medieval oak desk chairs. They are well cool and will fit in perfectly to a bright orange room with a 13ft X 3ft 6 inch desk in it and a computer with a snakes head sticking out of the front fan vent.

As we arrived home however waiting to turn right onto our drive we had to wait for a convoy of vehicles, but not just any vehicles. This was the classic ‘you don’t see a bus for hours on end then twenty five of them all turn up at once’, only it was not buses, it was classic E type Jaguars…….. Now how cool is that, it was the most E type Jaguars I  have seen in one place in years. I ran off to get the camera once they passed because I reckoned there must be at least one straggler some where a bit behind. One thing I know about E types is they may be cool looking and hell to park but they are rather unreliable, even when new they were a bit fickle and some of these cars are now fifty years old.

I did not have to wait long because a few minutes or so later three more passed and I did manage to get pictures of the beasts……. WELL COOL.

After a game of Paper Scissors Stone I found myself sorting some electrics out after lunch and then fitting the top to the desk of the Orange room. It is sort of fitted in as much as it is the right size and in its final resting place, but not yet screwed down.

And a short time ago a large combine harvester arrived in the field next to us to do some work, I assume combining the harvest, or maybe having a race with a tractor with a strange array of massed wire comb things that also turned up. The dog has an each way bet on the combine harvester which to me is cheating bearing in mind there are only two things racing about the field.

Ooooo yes and loads of butterflies today (why are they called butterflies. The only flies that land on butter are ordinary house flies and that big thing with the teeth and pointy tail (the DOG HAHAHAHAHh hahah hahh ha hahahahhah hahah ah hah hahahhaha hhahha )  

.

The cat and the computer

The Ghost Writer has spent all day with his head stuck in a computer working out why it bleeped at him. It appears that it does not mean the computer is full of aliens from Mars reaping revenge for being annoyed again by a large 4X4, more that the computer is a bit unhappy with the snake that someone posted through the DVD player the day before and it has shorted out the hard drive. Which might have been shock tested by some aggressive banging on the table in a vane attempt to remove a snake that had accidently got stuck in it in the first place. It may have been a cat they always look innocent when the leave half a thing in the wrong place, anyway the point is, it was definitely not me. And there are no finger prints because I was wearing gloves….. The cat was wearing gloves; although so was I that was just a coincidence……… PHEW that was close.

We have been speaking to the great electrical man at the end of a phone today, about electrics, we annoyingly have an intermittent fault that will ping the main trip, sometimes a few times a day and them not for weeks on end. The result is it makes it very hard to pin this down (no one has squeezed any bits of snake or newt into any sockets either so we can’t blame the cat for this one……. OK I did blame the cat at first but then realized it was not my fault so PHEW.

And now it is getting late again, so I will need to go. Tomorrow is Monty Show, we used to go to Monty Show lots but have not been now for a few years and I don’t think we will be going tomorrow. After a game of Paper, Scissors, Stone I will now be doing some DIY and working on lights and benches, that is one of the problems with playing Paper, Scissors, Stone, the consequences can be very practical when you loose……

.

The hair cut, the multinational and the electricity feed in tariff.

   Today has been a funny day it started nice enough but sort of ended up really grey and just very autumn like. I have been feeling a bit tired today too; apparently this is due to nano-vampires from the woods (according to the dog).  Although I think it may be due to the fact I had my hair cut today and like that Samson bloke it has rather sucked the strength out of me. It is not something I do very often; having hair cuts as I prefer to be a scruffy bloke and it is much harder to be scruffy with neat hair.

Today was also the day of the solar panel reading ritual where dad gloats as he works out how much the big multinational power company has to pay us. He demanded a goose that lays golden eggs and six magic beans last time, because he said it would just cause the system to overload. He did get his goose that lays golden eggs and six magic beans in the end, but multinationals are not good at wrapping things up so the goose had eaten the beans but was squashed when the postman tried to squeeze him through the letter box.    

As I mentioned yesterday we have a ghost post man posting ghost post but maybe we don’t, maybe we have a ghost posted goose that lays golden eggs that has eaten six magic beans.  You see this is what happens when free enterprise gets involved in matters of magic and high finance, and trying to get multinationals like electricity companies and postal services to take responsibility for a squashed goose who once laid golden eggs is far from easy. Sending dad an old retired battery hen  as compensation did not go down well (nice omelettes though).  Mum is insisting that this time round we have money, apparently not  gold pieces of eight from the Mortzestus as dad has suggested but just regular pounds, and not bones as the dog has suggested.

I might go now and see if I can superglue my hair back on. By the way the letter box is going clatter, clatter clatter again........

.

I always liked this band 

The China Syndrome, Chemically Activated Nuclear Fusion and IKEA

This morning must have been one of the wettest morning we have had living here, it was very very wet indeed and a little trip to Shrewsbury to get a bit of wood only proved that it was also very very wet in Shrewsbury too. However right now sometime after eight o’clock in the evening the sun has come out and we have blue skies and all is hunky dory again.

The result of this is that I have not been outside much today, but I have made myself useful by tinkering with electrical things. Nothing too clever just an IKEA 12v lighting system. They are rather sneaky those IKEA folk because although good at design they never quite get it right and tend to make their electrical things a bit on the margin. So transformers are always near the max limit etc etc.  

This gives me the opportunity to improve things a bit and tweak, so that some of these things from IKEA will be brighter, faster, longer and make a bigger bang when they explode. We all like a good explosion although not just above the dining table as everyone is eating their evening meal.  Dad says this is why he prefers steam powered things with a bit chemically activated nuclear fusion, Nano technology with analogue streamed data feedback looping technology and lots of gears and oily bits.

Captain Nessman is now slowly preparing for his epic adventure in China. I decided that I would celebrate this event by piling all the china in the house into a tall slender tower; for a short time one of the wonders of the world, until Heavy Harry the Cat noticed what he thought was his food bowl. Silly cat, he should know his food bowl is made of plastic not mums best antique china from the imperial Russian Vaults used by President Vladimir Putin himself for his Coco Pops at Breakfast time. WOW that antique china is loud much louder than an exploding IKEA 12v lighting system, I did explain that it was the cat’s fault and the tower was entirely safe up to that point, but mum still said IDIOT that’s not fair. Heavy Harry the Cat is happy, he has realized his plastic food bowl is in fact still OK and is demanding more food and has set off Sooty the Cat too now…..

I think I will return to doing electrical things again…..

Oooo by the way it may sound a bit odd but we have a ghost postman posting ghost post things through the letter box …….. A bit odd but these things happen…

.

.

Pine cones, and the vegetarian at the Olympic Stadium

Today I was sawing wood and collecting pine cones, one of the big trees that had to be cut down had loads of pine cones and they make great fire starters, and as it is due to rain tomorrow I was ordered to go and collect them all up. When I say ordered it was in fact a game of Scissors, Paper, Stone and the loser had to go and do it……….. So guess what. I was rather hoping the dog would help but he misheard and turned up with a van load of traffic cones, and was told to get rid of them somewhere sharpish. It appears he may have caused a bit of a traffic jam on the main road although he was rather pleased with his temporary contra flow system based on a progressive double helix three lane double box intersection with staggered filter lane control.

In other news someone was telling us that they had been to the Olympics and had a great day out, but it seemed that if you were a vegetarian then food was a bit of a problem. They think there may have been vegetarian food at the Olympics but sadly never found it so ate chips followed by chips and chips. Not the ideal choice of legacy for the next generation.  Although I love a good chip butty.

As many of you know I have various outlets for my humble diary one of which is a blog. Every now and again I get anonymous comments left on the blog by people who wish to remain  anonymous, sadly for them these are shifted straight into the spam box because well that is just what happens, I am not entirely sure why. However I was a little amused by the following comment made just before they said I should visit there website selling stuff…..

‘Ѕimply wish to say your artiсle is аs astonishing. The clаrity in уour рoѕt iѕ just сool аnd i could assume yοu're an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission let me to grab your feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the gratifying work.’

What can I say it makes it all worth while knowing a man doing his bit flogging stuff on the internet thinks I am astonishing; I am astonished to say the least. Although when he says ‘The clarity in your post is just cool’ I am a little suspicious, after all I work hard and being unclear and random about stuff. However I will be keeping up the gratifying work, for now…… 

.