Slugs, Explosions and a rather useful tip for the A to Z Challenge

As most of you know I am a pupil at the local Academy and due to an administrator’s error also a teacher. Now it has been rather a long time since I have told all of you of events with Freddie and his ferrets or Esmeralda or the school mascot, the School Goat, and with good reason. You see this is not the sort of school frequented by the likes of Harry Potter, it is not a school for wizards although Jimmy’s dad is apparently a wizard at accounts or so the high court judge told him. Jimmy is very proud, he said accounting gets a bad name and it is time someone recognized the skills involved. 

This however is all a distraction what I am saying is our school is a normal school we don’t have three headed dogs or huge blundering giants and the like wandering about; or explosions  . . . . . . . . OK yes we do have explosions but we are young keen and have access to the internet so science needs to be exciting and Maths, it is a little known fact but Maths is a key lesson in the making of explosions as it allows students to use a grappling hook to pinch some weed killer from the caretakers shed below the classroom.

Sorry distracted again . . . . . . Many of you will know that my main subject as a teacher is Zombie Defence Classes but as we approach spring it is a difficult subject to teach as the minds of Zombies turn to love, yes it is apparently the breeding season. As the young innocent slightly eccentric child of cyberspace I have no plans to teach the breeding habits of Zombies to anyone so I thought I KNOW I will do what they do in other schools use Frogs. I was sadly unable to find any Frogs so I have substituted Frogs for Slugs. And with the help of Freddie and Esmeralda managed to fill a huge tank with over 10,000 slugs . . Well it appears the lid of the tank was a little insecure and the slugs are breeding in the school at a rather alarming rate. The good news the breeding cycle of the Zombie and slug is plain for everyone to see; The bad news is I had to stay in after school and clean all the slime . . . . . . . . . .YUCK . . . . . . .

The up side to all this is I feel the very nice Steven Spielberg will be far more amenable to a film full of breeding Slugs and Zombies than one full of annoying British Wizards who just grow up and whinge a lot and anyway that has been well and truly done to death now.  

I will end this diary entry on the blog with a poem as a useful hint of how to do the A to Z when you can’t think of a single word for certain letters. . . . .

A

Arrim, aroo, addus, aboo.

And filly the aardvark in the arcline agoo

While aplit and acca are appy abzeeeee

And fettle the arra

And smile at the Zombie

B

Barrim baroo baddus baboo

And filly the aardvark in the barcline bagoo

While baplit and bacca are bappy babzeeeeee

And fettle the barra

And smile at the Zombie

C

So clever

So clever

So clever are weeeeeeeee

But you can’t claim you’re an Aardvark

To a hungry Zombieeeeeeee

It will eat you and ruin a good poem

THE END

HAH HA HAH AH HAH AH HAH AH H AH H H HA HAH Ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

The Chemistry Class Halloween Experiment and the Storm Warning for Britain

Today in School the Chemistry teacher said we might do a jolly Halloween experiment seeing how it is not far off now. Anyway it did not go entirely to plan, although it was not entirely my fault the instructions were a bit confusing.

Put the blue powder in the green bottle into the green liquid in the yellow bowl before you add the yellow liquid in the blue bottle to the yellow bowl which now has a green liquid in it. Then add the yellow powder from the red bottle to the red bowl with the yellow liquid in it, this liquid will now turn black. Then mix the two bowls together by either putting the black liquid in the red bowl into the yellow bowl with the liquid that has now turned blue or the other way round. So you then end up with a red bowl with a brown liquid or a yellow bowl with a brown liquid; you then add the red crystals from the blue bottle and stand well clear because there will be a lot of red and blue smoke.

But the thing was myself, Esmeralda and Freddie were watching a spider and giggling and trying to work out if it was one of those man eating spiders that closed that school on the news the other day so we sort of got our colours a bit mixed up.

I will not go into details but I have drawn a picture with my new hairy claws and have been told I will be back to normal by Sunday . . . . . . DAMN I was hoping the effects would last to Halloween, anyway mum says she has no plans to fry worms and earwigs all weekend to keep me fed, has told me off for swimming in the pond chasing newts.

Oooooo yes while on the subject of news, I notice that the weather forecast for Sunday is well wild around here and a fair chunk of Britain, so time to batten down the hatches, I assume that means you need to tie your chickens to the ground, they hatch eggs and both chickens and eggs will blow away in what is said to be a possibly really scary storm…. TAKE TO THE HILLS  . . . No hang on hill may be a bad place to be, unless it floods as well. . . . Run in circles and flap a lot; circles, maybe that is what the aliens were warning us about yesterday.

Time to go and eat more worms YUM. 

Trusty Old Converse Trainers unwittingly saving Aliens and other stuff

I had my trusty old converse trainers on today in order to ensure safe passage through the day. However the headmaster reckoned as today was the last dry day for a while and I was wearing what he called a manky pair of old trainers I could cut the school playing fields. Well that was not fair I tried to explain that for a tiny period of time my old converse trainers were famous on the internet, well for about a week they were, but it was like water off a ducks back . . . . I am not sure about that old saying I spent ages chasing a duck once to get the water off its back and as far as I could tell it looked just like water.

Cutting the grass was hard work for both me and my footwear but it did come with its own rewards because while I was cutting the grass I saw a small but noisy aeroplane, well it sounded like a small plane but it was invisible and it circled overhead then headed off in a northerly direction.  I then saw two invisible Red Kites (the birds not the fabric device used by Professor Frankincense). When I say I saw these things I looked at where the noise came from but did not see them as they were invisible.

However after lunch where I had told Esmeralda, Freddie and his ferrets and the school Mascot (the goat) about the invisible things I took them off to show them to prove they were there and real, and I was surprised to find a crop circle or a grass circle. This means that the invisible small plane was in fact an alien spacecraft, probably one of the Venusian Battle cruises mentioned yesterday and it was having engine problems. And the Red Kites were in fact aliens from Venus (the planet not the tennis player) and they were saying thanks for sorting out a decent landing pad with nice short grass. 

We have been out to see Mr M again to make sure he is OK I was able to show that if you slide a walking stick up the side of someone's leg while they are wearing trousers and are a bit poorly, they are completely incapable of moving. Mr M is not eating all his food so I also balanced five oranges on the end of his walking stick; that was before I trapped him in bed with the leg trick. AH  . . . . . . DAMN I have a feeling I may have forgotten to remove the walking stick from the side of his leg before we left. I guess the nurses might notice.

The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor . . . . .VOLUME FOUR . . . . And Pointy Sticks

My desk lamp has just exploded so I am typing in the gloom, and as many of you know, although to be fair kindly don’t say anything about it, my typing is rubbish…. So typing in the dark is going to be tough…

I have slightly more time today so today is the first day of The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor   . . . . .VOLUME FOUR . . . . . . A bit late, but yes it has officially started today.

Now of course I normally start my diary with my return to school, but I have been back a week now and much has happened. You see I’m no fool I am doing what that Harry Potter did make sure something happens at school, otherwise the nice Mr Spielberg will fall asleep and then that will be the end of the movie deal…… OK right yes . . . .  Esmeralda has become Head Girl after persuading the governors with a pointy stick that it was an excellent idea, as no one is going to argue with her.  For some reason Esmeralda with a pointy stick seems to be far scarier than I am, in fact she is far scarier even without the pointy stick.

In order to avoid the mistake of last year where I was made head boy my name was removed entirely from the list of pupils this year, however it was accidently added to the list of teachers, so this year I am a budding student teacher specializing in Obscure Irrational Theories about the Universe (OIT as it is known) and Zombie Self Defence classes. I say Zombie Self Defence classes this does not mean I am teaching Zombies despite what the headmaster says, but I am teaching pupils to defend themselves against such beasts. As it happens I have a diploma in Zombiology after writing my thesis. . . . The Urban Zombie in the Modern Superstore.  The Head Master who everyone thought would shout about my part time teaching post was in fact quite pleased but only because I do not get paid because I am still technically a pupil . . . . . . DAMN.

Anyway I have managed to get the pointy stick officially added to the official school uniform now,  well I say I, as it happens Esmeralda persuaded the governors after a short meeting where she demonstrated the pointy sticks qualities……

Ooooooo  yes I bought some magic beans today, waved at a refrigerator and gave the Ghost Writer and Mrs Ghost Writer directions on the best and quickest way to get around a large building with many corridors with many people in them who are mainly lost, they apparently are still using my early map with the small errors. It appears that the Ghost Writer said I’m an IDIOT after they arrived in the boiler room late this afternoon. . . . .  

Anyway welcome to Volume Four (The Return of the Pointy Stick).

Large guns and small leaves

The day started quietly enough with the Ghost Writer skulking about helping me screw screws into wooden posts as part of the great master plan (that’s the Moroccan Patio Master Plan or MP squared as it is known in GCHQ). We were using the powers of geometry and string to ensure everything was aligned, square and parallel much like the ancient Egyptians did or the Inca’s. It is amazing what you can do with string, in fact it is far more practical than say an ipad or the like, and come the end of the world it would make far greater sense to grab a large ball of string than some fancy phone.

OK there we were and all was fairly peaceful until there was a huge noise like a cannon going off which sent all the geese, chickens and dogs behind us off into a state of panic for ten minutes, it was a very load noise. I have since discovered though that the old chap just up the road a couple of doors away in the village who is over ninety, a bit frail, and has rubbish eye site had taken a shot at a rabbit. He had told our neighbour, who thought he was planning to shot it with an air gun, but it turned out to be something similar to an anti tank mortar weapon which he has had for many many years and he last used against an Alien spacecraft back in the 1950’s. It appears that even though his eye sight is not what is was thirty years ago, he did get the rabbit, well I think the rabbit quite frankly stood no chance or for that matter anything within a hundred yards of the rabbit. Still you know what life in the country is like.

Then after that as me and the Ghost Writer we having a cup of tea and recovering our wits watching bits of fur drift by on the wind the Ghost Writer got a call to say the power had been restored to the grey office so he had to run off to power up the old faithful server. He said later that there was another very very old chap on the road who was driving at 10MPH until you tried to overtake him then he would speed up making him impossible to pass and what he (the Ghost Writer) really needed was a an anti tank mortar weapon. 

I then had to go and do my bit with small over enthusiastic children in the local junior school teaching then Art where I just about got them to make a tree full of leaves to cover the tree on the Animal-Scope, but they are rather a lively bunch and far too enthusiastic with  all their ARE WE THERE YET .. . . . . . . plus the odd muttering of I’M BORED MAKING LEAVES, I did explain that posh leaves take time not two seconds but apparently to the small young mind two seconds is loads of time; what I needed was an anti tank mortar weapon to focus their minds.  Then Mrs Judith the Headmaster ran off smiling which seemed a bit unfair leaving me with a whole gang of pesky kids and a pile of paper leaves that they thought they would run through. Folk cant resist piles of leaves even paper ones.

OOooooooo one last thing I took a slightly better picture of the moon last night. . . .An Almost Super Moon. 

Particle Physics and Poetry

I don’t mind a day of Particle Physics at school it is an easy way to pass the time as we scratch are heads and point at particles of various types, although Freddie reckons that ferrets can see antimatter, which is why they are such good hunters. Anyway there we were pottering about doing stuff with the atomic accelerator and a few particles that Esmeralda had found under a floorboard she had managed to remove in the interests of scientific research when the teacher decided to have a little change of subject to test our abilities in diverse rational functioning, something apparently we might have to do in the future at some point. So we had to write well known poetry from memory. Luckily we were working in groups so me, Freddie and Esmeralda worked together and I did a bit of a rush drawing for a poem that Esmeralda knew, well she said she knew but I think her and Freddie got a bit confused.

The Owlicat and the caterpillar went to sea

In a beautiful pea green boat

But the Owlicat squashed his mate

With the foot of a runcible goat.

And off in the distance far away

Where the Owlicat will get to soon

A little dog laughed because he saw

A cow jump over the Moon.

The End

The teacher said it was the worst poem he had ever read and was the work of IDIOTS but luckily our particle Physics might get us a Nobel Prize, Well it would have if Esmeralda had not set fire to our experiment in revenge for the teacher insulting her poetry. And Unfortunately Freddie says the ferrets are unlikely to help us again to recreate our particle experiment as they did not get any recognition for their part of the particle experiment involving antimatter.

Ooooo yes Miss I gave the Ghost Writer a present full of sea monsters today, he is very pleased but is unsure about what to feed the sea monsters, I will have to Google that or ask the chaps at GCHQ who are monitoring my diary………. (Any ideas Charles and Quentin).

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The Aerodynamics of the Mad March Hare and how to teleport a spider

Well there I was having a busy day of Theoretical Mathematics, The history of the Byzantium Empire in History. The Economics of a double dip recession and Quantitive Easing in Economics.  The Aerodynamics of the Mad March Hare in Natural History. And how to teleport a spider from one large glass jar to another five feet away in Physics by modifying two old microwaves, rather than using Esmeralda’s steam catapult made for the school goat. I think Esmeralda had not thought about the fact that the spider was slightly less than half the weight of the school goat and so the headmaster was rather annoyed by the large hole in the ceiling. The Spider was rather annoyed at finding himself in the freezer section of the out of town supermarket too and as he is a rather large spider as I said about half the weight of the school goat who is, to put it bluntly a bit fat from living on school dinners and sacrificial pupils (Ooooo sorry I was not meant to mention that was still going on……..DAMN sorry Headmaster). Anyway yes the spider was rather annoyed and it was a bit of a shock for the supermarket staff who thought at first it was the goat, but realized when an innocent bag packer was spun into a ball of silk and taken off to a quiet corner to be eaten later. The only good thing is they will appreciate the arrival of the goat a bit more next time, once they have worked out how to get a large spider out of the store.

What was I saying AH yes I was having a busy day, then arriving back home thinking Ooooooo goody I can chill and have a quiet time looking at Mars (OK I have not given up yet I am stubborn) and pondering nice gooey food with thick cream and hundreds and thousands on. When all of a sudden I am in a muddy hole digging mud helping sort out some drainage that needs sorting.  Surely that’s not fair I am not meant to be in muddy holes in winter when it is not only wet and muddy but also cold. Still as the dog says life is all Mud and Sun 

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The unforeseen consequences of politics, Vladimir Putin, a microlight, a ferret and ancient mythical creatures.

Sometimes someone will do something that has unforeseen consequences; in fact it happens all the time in reality because no one can tell what the consequences of any action are many hours or days or years down the line.  Today someone rather well know did something that had consequences for myself and the rest of my class; you see we had the new and still rather young and enthusiastic teacher who is rather keen on politics. Now it is obvious that he is not well know but Mr Vladimir Putin is rather well know, so his exploits strapped onto a man in a microlight followed by a series of apparently rather rude jokes about sex plus the girl punk band that were jailed, had consequences for me. You see when a young idealist school teacher is faced with such things the result is two hours of full on politics and the responsibilities of leadership and how power corrupts those in power.  

I must admit I quite agree with him, but I did not relish the prospect of writing 10,000 words on the subject at school when we should have been dissecting a horse instead, which would have been rather more interesting. In particular the strange robot like person in the silver suit who bleeped a lot and drew pictures of some ancient mythical creature was too say the least well upset and threw a total strop and stormed off bleeping loudly and drilling a large hole in the blackboard with their interchangeable clip on power drill hand attachment. It is strange you know but they do remind me of someone Mmmmmmmm and some of those drawing of ancient mythical creatures with the words I HATE GOATS in large red letters underneath look a little familiar too.

OK back to the point I do agree it seems rather strange that you can be jailed for blasphemy for being critical of your countries leader yet your countries leader is free to tell jokes about group sex etc on daytime television. Anyway the new young enthusiastic teacher of politics and rural studies discovered that sometimes the consequences of something said far away in another country by say Vladimir Putin can lead to a trip to hospital. It appears leaping up and down on your desk shouting COME THE revolution can result in Freddie’s Ferret taking fright and attacking your shoe laces leading to your own fall from grace (not like yesterdays grace) or in this case a fall from your desk.

On the subject of politics; I notice that, that Mr Cameron had a reshuffle of his cabinet yesterday, I believe it may have been in the wrong place and the doors would not open properly. Dad said he could see no point in him opening the doors anyway because it was full of odd socks that had holes in them.

Ooooooo nice sunset tonight……

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A rolling head gathers no moose, or two heads are better than one

So here we are the start of yet another diary year three, it is amazing how time flies past. And today was the start of school again, it is strange but it is starting to feel like I have been at this school forever. It is one of those new academies now so it means everyone will get much better exam results and look neat and tidy. Well almost everybody, it appears I am banned from meeting the media and any photo shots on the grounds that I am a reminder of what was bad in the old school. So I am no longer allowed to invite zombies and banshees into the playground without written permission from the head. Luckily there is a severed head of a moose in the wood so I thought if I put a pen in its mouth and wrote a letter then that would be OK.

I get to be head boy this year too which is a surprise? I was not expecting to be one of them EVER, but the headmaster said it is a terrible clerical error and heads will roll. I did tell the headmaster that I have already tried rolling the moose’s head and it didn’t roll very well, so if he wants a head that will roll he needs to choose a head the right shape. It was just after that I could hear him going AAAAAAuuuuuuuuuuuggggHHHHHHH a lot and saying only five more year till I get my pension before locking himself in his office. It appears I have to work until I am 102 because due to some error in government calculations, and a large number of bankers and footballers running off with loads of money, all the pension funds are worth almost as much as a decomposing moose head in the woods. As you can see we spent part of our day doing politics with a new teacher who is quite young.

It appears as head boy on the first day back at school I get to say Grace at lunch time, but I don’t know who Grace is so I mentioned a whole load of other people instead, but about half way through the headmaster ran off going  AAAAAAuuuuuuuuuuuggggHHHHHHH a lot again. I think he might be upset because now everyone has gone back to school the sun has come out and it is nice and warm.

Anyway I showed everyone a great picture of the severed decomposing moose head at lunch time because by shear coincidence it was strawberry mousse for pudding and in another amazing coincidence I found a mouse head in the chicken curry so that was WELL COOL. Only me and Freddie and the strange robot like person in the silver suit who bleeped a lot and drew pictures of some ancient mythical creature seemed to eat school lunch today. After I took the mouse head to show the headmaster, because I noticed it rolled really well, but he went AAAAAAuuuuuuuuuuuggggHHHHHHH a lot yet again….  I don’t know you do your best to help…. It appears that Mrs Harris has a head that rolls really well……

Oooooo we saw a helicopter today, we were told it was making sure we did not sneak off to the chip shop at lunchtime. Apparently this is normally the responsibility of the head boy but someone said he is an IDIOT…………… AH …….HANG ON? 

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George and the Goat. The European Union and old traditions

With it being July now we are ever so close to the end of yet another school year and so today was the day the school mascot was dressed up in his ceremonial outfit for the ritual feeding of the beast.  Yes today was the day when every pupil in the school had to look the school goat in the eye before the end of the school year sacrificial feast.  It is not exactly as you might be expecting because all the pupils are lined up and the goat proudly walks down the line looking for any small weakness in the pupils. Eventually someone will crack and they become the goat’s ceremonial feast for the day.

Of course some of the parents can complain and the local authority have said they are considering banning the practice, apparently we are the last school in Britain that still sacrifices a pupil at the end of the year for their goat to eat. The Headmaster has blamed it on the European Union and says these old traditions are all dying out, a bit like George from Class 13TA who made the mistake of sneezing as the goat was passing him. It’s his parents fault they should never have sent George to our school knowing he is allergic to goats.

Esmeralda is not happy she says once the goat has finished eating George (it may take a couple of days George was a big lad) he will be too heavy for her steam powered catapult. But right now I don’t thing the goat cares. A small word of warning; never stand alone with a school goat in a dark alley unless you are absolutely sure it has eaten….

Dad went off to Shrewsbury today to get some wood for my next project but he says the roads were chaos; he was not sure what was going on because we do live a bit out on a limb (not Georges limb). It appears the A49 was closed and so all the cars had to find alternative routes south which included a chunk of them heading in our direction. Our little twisty roads are not designed for loads of traffic and huge trucks so dad was well spaced out by the time he made it home.  Apparently the dog lost his bet with dad, as the dog had bet dad that the goat would pick me this year, I was wondering why the dog threw a pot of barbecue sauce on my head this morning. Which is why I stood next to George just in case; you see despite all appearances I am not an IDIOT or dinner (HAH HAHH HAHH HAH hah hah hah ha hah ahah ha)

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Russian Spies, Miss Goldilocks and the Wicked Witch of the West

I am off later to collect the Cultural Olympian, my contribution to the Cultural Olympiad art thing that is rambling away in various parts of Britain at present. It has been very popular although most people seem to think it is a metal sculpture not a cardboard sculpture, and need to be told otherwise. Anyway that is later. So I may get back about this if things go to plan.

I have been told that my diary is like a fairly tale only rubbish with no plot and no decent moral ending as the hero and the princess get eaten by Zombies. Hang on this is at the end of the book so I haven’t told you that yet; that is the big surprise ending ……. AH OK it was the big surprise ending……….. DAMN sorry DAM, I seem to have started to use the right one by mistake.

Anyway at school we were asked to write a fairy tale based on what was happening outside the big classroom windows which look out over the rolling fields toward the cricket pitch and the big lake beyond, so I did…….

Once upon a time there was a young Russian spy called Miss Goldilocks, Goldilocks was her code name her real name was Miss Fionaski. However no one is allowed to know that Miss Fionaski’s codename is Golilocks or I will be in serious trouble like the wacky-leaks man……….AH. DAM.  

Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy

One day Miss Goldilocks was happily skipping across the field with her shortwave radio and codebook when she was approached by The Wicked Witch of the West who said “HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR”, no hang on that’s the wrong story she went “HA HA HAH HAHAH Hah hah aha hah hahaha hah hahhahah ………… ………. …….HAH AHHAH HA H HAH AHAH Hah ah hah h hh hahhaha haha …..Is that a short wave radio and codebook Goldilocks because we don’t like them here in the WEST” Miss Goldilocks was frightened because The Wicked Witch of the West was spraying strange substances at the grass all around Miss Goldilocks which hissed and smouldered and horrible fumes drifted around Miss Goldilocks.

But Miss Goldilocks bravely said “This is a public right of way I always come here to transmit my messages at three minutes before mid-day every Sunday and Wednesday, and look that Song Thrush looks a bit poorly now”. The Wicked Witch of the West just laughed Hysterically though “HAH HAHHAH HHAH hahHAH HHHHAH Hhah hah hahh ha……HAH hHAH HAH HAH HAH Hhah hah haha hah ha” and so Miss Golilocks ran all the way home and sent a coded message that said

The seagulls are sitting on the lake playing cricket the ball has been hit out of bounds in the fields, send more puffins and vodka. The Witch is Mad……..     

It was at this point I was distracted by the image of the goat as he sailed through the air towards the out of town supermarket………. And people think none of this is true …..IDIOTS. 

I know its Sunday I shouldn't be at School but I get confused 

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The sky, the fly, the goat and a slithering slimy monster

It is getting close to the school holidays, well OK not that close but close enough to see everyone starting to relax a bit, well those who have finished exams or don’t have any this year or cheat. Or cheat and have the advantage of a Jules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine to hand and an Einstein cube. These devices have been gathering dust during most of book two but that is what happens in life, things move and change. A bit like the slithering slimy monster that lived in the cellar under the school, it has managed to transform itself into a school inspector. Creating a whole new life for itself, although the headmaster says it is still a  slithering slimy monster although it has given the school an A+ with merits for having a particularly good cellar for the creation of new life forms during the recent inspection.

the sky this evening

Even the school mascot the goat has been chilling today in the swimming pool although it did have a small crisis with the inflatable lilo, they don’t mix well with goat horns, nether do learners in the deep end with arm bands. The life guard said it was the busiest day he has ever had and the headmaster has sadly banned the goat from the pool during school hours.

It has been a lovely sunny day today which is typical, the day after the family BBQ and another classic example of the great British weather. Still the same thing happened to the Queen on her jubilee so if it is good enough for the queen then we can’t complain……. Well not really true, we can complain. Dad apparently finally got his weather machine going this morning after mum torched it when his experiments kept ending in rain floods and snow and the like. He thinks he has sorted the problem now and has removed the duck from the symbiotic meteorological climate inverting actuator.

Anyway everyone is chilling now and relaxing as it has been busy with one thing and another in recent weeks. I am working on experimental fly traps at present; the little critters keep coming into the house. One of the joys of life in the country, although I suspect they may be just as awkward back in town. I don’t entirely understand why flies like to come into houses because no one is nice to them. They don’t rush off and live in caves as part of their natural behaviour (I think?).  Genetically I would have though they were designed to hang about near the back end of the school goat and the like, not pooing on windows or re-enacting the battle of Britain in the middle of the kitchen while we pick off the stragglers with a rolled up newspaper. Just as a matter of interest which way up does a fly, fly in space in a weightless environment, I bet they still have agro with flies in the skylab kitchen.

The Heatwave and the swimming pool

Well yesterday I said it was hot and it was, but today is very hot in fact I think it is safe to say it has been very *********** hot. As I write this it is fifteen minutes past five in the afternoon and I have just been to look at the outside thermometer (kept in the shade and is trusted to be accurate) it says at present it is 31C or 86F (in old money). Now I know in some parts of the world that is quite normal but not here in the Shropshire hills in May, after all only a week ago we had frost in the evening.  What makes us British grumble is the fact one day it can be near to zero and raining then it will be bright sun and hot and humid the next. It is why we talk about the weather all the time (see look what I have just done)

In order to help we were doing maths and science in the swimming pool at school with the caretaker ordered to make as much ice as possible and keep putting it in the deep end. It is not easy to do maths in the deep end of the swimming pool and anyway the headmaster had moved his office into that end of the pool. It is one advantage of using traditional old fashioned solid wooden desks, they float and will not fall apart after a few hours of being submerged in chlorinated water with passing ice cubes.  On the subject of passing ice cubes I did warm Freddie that carving Titanic into the top of his desk was tempting fate and sure enough he ended up having to share my desk all afternoon.  But it did give the history teacher something to talk about while he trod water near the springboard.

We ended up having to do all our maths the old fashioned way (long hand) because we have discovered that Casio Economy Scientific Calculators do not really like swimming pools much, nor do iphones, I knew they were rubbish. The Steam Powered Electro-Magnetic Speech Communicating Device that dad made me was fine, all that water kept in cool; and in the water it weighed less that its normal eight pounds three ounces. This, the science teacher said was due to the water displacement and the differences in specific density between the distilled water in the Steam Powered Electro-Magnetic Speech Communicating Device and the chlorinated water in the swimming pool.

Luckily by the time we all got home after school everyone’s uniform had dried out so we did not drip on the carpet which I know some parents might have got a bit upset about. But when I complained about the heat at home the dog turned the hosepipe on me. That sounds like it would be nice and cool but water that has spent all day heating up in a black hosepipe can be rather hot, still hot water does take your mind of hot air………

Taking of hot air I must go I have a head to make, I am not going to tell you whose head because you really should know by now.  

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An OBSCURE Russian OLIGARCH, OWLS and Harry ***** Potter

O Dear….. Despite Obverting my eyes in an Odd way I still ended up On the ORANGE school bus (the only Orange school Bus) ON what was an Ordinary day.  According to the Weatherman on the wireless (the Oracle Of all Our Weather) it was going to rain all day something Orrible (sorry horrible) Only it was Sunny sort OF.  On the bus Esmeralda was being rather Ostentatious and it turned Out she has spent her Oliday (sorry holiday) working for the ISOBAR handing Out flyers offering free entry and a free drink. She was also hopping to make some other cash selling (Blackmailing) Obscene photos of the lemming of Petrograd; however they have posted all the photos On their Facebook page and have Ordered more for Old friends back in Omsk.   

Just in case you are thinking WHAT????..... You don’t obviously follow my Diary on a regular basis, I am Open to such Outrage but feel at this point it is time for you to go Off to Other Offerings in cyberspace, Outwards and Onwards so to speak (write).

OK at school the Headmaster had invited the OSLO OCARINA ORCHESTRAL ensemble to play after the Ovation and Oodles of praise from their previous Outstanding visit.  The OSLO OCARINA ORCHESTRAL ensemble are funded by an Obscure Russian  Oligarch who made his fortune selling Owls to Obsessive Harry Potter Fans desperate to buy any sort of Harry Potter Objet d'art. Anyway me and Harry Potter are not mates as you know, and I will not gloat by saying he is now an Obscure has been Wizard doomed to Oblivion……(OH sorry I did say it……….. HAHH HAH HAH HAH  HO HO HO HO HO HO HOH Hahah hahahhhah )

After various odds and ends of lessons including Oceanography and Observing an Ocelot and an Osprey and making Ointment from Olives (O God now I sound like Harry B******y Potter) I went home on the Orange Bus

At Home the Dog was involved with the Occult trying to sacrifice an Octopus that have been force fed Okra in the old  tradition of offering Odin something Offbeat.  The Octopus you will be pleased to know escaped. However the dog showed me the Octopus’s large empty rectangular tank and said “ O look the large rectangular tank has turned into an Octagon HA HAHAH HAHH HAH HAH HAH HHAH HAH HAH HAahah hah hah ah ahah haah ha hahh ha hah hah ah ha haahah h      ….. .. . . ..ha hahahh haha hah hah “

OK that’s It over for today………

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How not to do the Letter E in the A to Z bogging Challenge 2012 involving Explosives

School today, and what a nice sunny day it was well up to the point we all left school (why does it do that). School is good for today for one very good reason it allows me to use the letter “E” on my A to Z challenge test run. Yes school means E for EDUCATION something every human being needs to some degree (Education, Degree HA HAH HAHAH HAH Hah hahh hah hha …… sorry about that) in order to survive on planet EARTH.

Without EDUCATION as the dog likes to tell me, us humans would not have managed to mess up the climates ECO system and make a huge number of life forms Extinct.

As he also likes to EXPLAIN; dogs are fundamentally stupid (Except him) and they have never been responsible for any Extinctions or climate change or using up all the worlds resources or the atomic bomb or Fleas. I think he slips that last one in hoping no one notices.

I was telling the English Teacher Mr Evans about the A to Z and he said he would help WELL COOL but he then gave as an English Exam (DAM …….sorry that was yesterday). Esmeralda was far from happy about that and exterminated my Exercise book. Esmeralda hates exams. Even I am not a fan really; the English teacher did say it was Ever so extremely easy. After we finished, we then had Entomology that should have been easier but Esmeralda hates earwigs so instead of the traditional dissection of the little critter she used Explosives, a lot of explosives creating a enormous explosion.

The deputy headmaster, Mr Watson was not happy he had exchanged his normal outfit for a Sherlock Holmes outfit as he was off to a fancy dress party and in a bit of a rush so as he passed the class room he stormed in and shouted What sort of a school do you all think this is? ……………. ………….. …………. Well there was only one answer to that and we all shouted back Elementary my dear Watson …………….. …………… HA HAHAHH ahh ahha hah hah hahah ahahh ha hah hah ahh hah h hah hhah hahhhah ha   

The Entomology teacher added this is an EX-Earwig

The END

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ooo just in case you are thinking why this song ....no reason except the White Falcon  

Rebekah Brooks the horse and very confused Alien Mushroom Creatures From Venus

There I was minding my own business pondering what I should write in my diary, should it be yet another quiet day at school watching the seagulls eating chips again and or discovering that the maths teachers large abacus when placed on the floor beads down makes a brilliant luge and that the corridors of the science block are almost an exact replica of the fabled Cresta Run. There is nothing more exciting than passing the physics teacher at 70mph lying on a luge (sorry abacus).

As I was saying I was pondering all this and listening to the wireless and eating a rather yummy stir fry.

So as I listened to the news on the wireless and the continuing death of the people of Syria, Mr Napoleon Beelzebub is not a happy man (Devil) and I was thinking will I discuss politics or the now rather large mushrooms in the box containing the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures From Venus. Or maybe the rather good bonfire I had after school where I was allowed to burn all sorts of old unneeded spy stuff and a large pile of conifer from the once virgin unexplored forests of just outside our house.

Then in an instant everything suddenly changed by a story on the news about a horse. Now as you know I am not bitter and twisted that it was a horse that convinced the very nice Steven Spielberg to abandon my manuscript in preference for one full of war and horses. Leaving me abandoned in cyberspace with a few friends and a mad Ghost Writer for ever to write the longest story (ever) in the world. But really no longer had I thought to myself well it will be cat food now anyway, so no sequel for that horse. When dam it another one turns up. This time it appears that Mel Brooks (sorry Rebekah) Woman from the News of the World was given one by the police to look after, or as they said on the news adopted. ADOPTED WHAT???? Really I don’t really mind horses that much but people are going to have to watch they don’t take over the world because if both the right hand man of Steven Spielberg and Rupert Murdoch are not men but horses all I can say is something is going on.

Imagine the confusion of the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures From Venus when they say take me to your leader and everyone points at a horse. What is more worrying it that these things come in threes so I am keeping a look out for the third one. The dog says it is all turning into a pantomime and has fallen about in hysterics …….. and mum has added IDIOT

Oooooo yes ............ one other thing we had huge claw marks in the concrete outside the cat flap this morning which might explain why the cats are not happy going out at night. Not sure what it is but it is not a horse PHEW…… 


I would thank Mr ESB for his contribution in the writing of this entry, without him there would be no abacus

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Tiny sophisticated nano robot flying communication devices and the the world wide weds of spiders

It has been a cold grey day and not nice so we have lit the open fire and are watching flames. Esmeralda did this at school only school does not really have an open fire, well it didn’t. I will admit if did keep us all nice and warm right up to the point that both the headmaster and the fire brigade insisted that we all went outside while they fought the blaze. Just out of curiosity what makes green flames, it is not something you see very often.

The mushroom box is certainly showing signs of life but not much in the way of mushrooms, but it does look rather encouraging that something might leap out of the soil very very soon. Interestingly I too now have small flies scurrying about and I think this is all part of the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus communication system. What better than a small nano technology flying communication device to travel between the world wide web of mushroom boxes, Sort of sophisticated homing pigeons (flies). I am sure it was Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy who had seen insect spy bots or the like.

Anyway I suspect like all the best laid plans of alien invaders these tiny sophisticated nano robot flying communication devices travelling their world wide wed of communications between mushroom boxes will fall foul of something simple, something that the mighty minds of the aliens will have not thought off. Yes you are well ahead of me on this; the world wide weds of spiders. An entire invading force brought to its knees by a thin sticky thread created by the humble spider, a creature that can’t even get out of a simple bath without help

Other things of interest today. We have a cunning plan to put solar panels on the roof of our classic nineteen seventies bungalow. As it happens it already has some that heat the hot water system but these will help produce power so that dad can fly a kite high into thunder storms and create huge Mushroom clouds created from the antimatter trapped in the fireballs created themselves by lightning. He is planning to confuse the Aliens from Venus but mum says he is an IDIOT (that’s dad not the creatures from Venus)…

The Angel of the Norse in its new home

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