The true History of Guy Fawkes and other things

Today in the UK it is Guy Fawkes Night when loads of folk have bonfires, set off fireworks and eat toffee apples and wave sparklers about. However folk forget about why all this started back in 1605 when trying to escape from a large group of Zombies Guy Fawkes leapt into the cellar of the House of Commons. His train of thought (yes another saying that led to the saying, he has fallen off the rails) was that no Zombie with any sense of taste would be stupid enough to want to eat the brains of a politician. However Zombies cant read so followed him, so thinking quickly he happened upon several large casks of gunpowder and thought to himself . . . . .I know I will blow them up.

Unfortunately as he was running about avoiding Zombies and trying to set fire to the fuse for the gunpowder a large group of politicians arrived in the cellar to see what all the noise was about.  Zombies hate politicians they taste terrible so they ran off and hid leaving poor old Guy Fawkes standing on a large pile of explosives with a box of matches and as no one likes politicians they sort of got the wrong idea about him thinking he was trying to blow them up. 

Of course poor old Guy was hung and it was only afterwards that it was discovered that he was trying to blow up Zombies, so feeling a bit guilty and knowing that no one liked them anyway the politicians thought it best to celebrate him with a jolly uplifting event with bonfires where folk could burn a Zombie on it. Then after several accidents where the Zombie escaped and ate small children it was decided to burn an effigy of a Zombie instead.

We will be heading off to see Mr M again soon but have discovered, thanks to Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy that it will be possible for him to have a Buddhist funeral service locally which is something he would like, so we will be passing on the information to his son later; although it is on microfilm and in code . . . . . . AH DAMN.

The Spy and the Great Diving Beetle.

Today proved to be a funny old day as my plans did not go to plan. I started by dismantling a bed, a useful skill that can come in extremely handy if you ever need to dismantle a bed, and if all goes well I will work out how to put it together again very soon. I also had to paint the edges of the box of sea a bit because the sea moves; I am getting round this problem by making sea doors to keep the sea confined so that should sort that out.

Then we had a trip to the Coy People of the Din Ash who sell folk stuff; the great leader of the Coy People of the Din Ash is a man called Charlie who no one ever sees any more for various reasons, well just the one really. Anyway we bought a pond and a drain cover and a small palm thing, some milk and a huge chocolate cake . . . . . DAMN we did not buy a huge chocolate cake.

Then this afternoon Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy came to see us, she is on a secret mission at the end of the week in a creek I think, where it is very hot and the creek is full of Octopus and other strange beasts which she says she may be forces to eat. Interestingly Miss Fionaski might be happy to fight huge Octopus, but she does not like Wasps in fact she said if she was tortured with a wasp she would tell all straight away. Although she did insist I did not tell anyone . . . . . . . AH DAMN. And she passed on a small unmarked package for the Ghost Writer which apparently is also a secret . . . . . . DAMN again…..

What was really strange was that as she was about to drive off back to base a Great Diving Beetle fell onto her car, I have to say that was very strange, sometimes real life can be as weird as  the world of Rob which is good to know. I saved the Great Diving Beetle and put it in the pond so it is OK as they don’t really live on cars too well.

Tomorrow it appears I will be with the Ghost Writer acting as his bodyguard in his new and as yet untested (by him) office. He is not good with things changing and he does not have his own desk anymore.

Ooooooooooo apparently it is not creek it is Crete…….almost the same thing.  

President Obama, Prime Minister Cameron, President Putin, The G8 summit (2013), Bovril, Kendal Mint Cake and Grizzly Bears.

Yesterday I happened to suggest that it was no coincidence that President Putin of Russia had turned up only days after my original President Putin picture had been shown in my diary in cyberspace. And many of you have said things like Run for the hills or Hide in the Patagonian Embassy for a few weeks till it is safe or Rob Who? never heard of him, he is no friend of ours. Now I know he has to pop over to Ireland to join fellow world leaders for the G8 summit to discuss important issues, which as it happens the leaders all have different views about. So some sort of botched statement will be put together to make it all sound like it was a useful meeting and worth every penny of the X million pounds it cost.

I think it all goes wrong because they call it a summit when it is plainly held in a posh hotel on the flat with no mountains anywhere near. Lets face it food is always much better on the flat rather than the top of a mountain where it tends to be bully beef, Kendal Mint Cake, and hot Bovril, not the food of world leaders, OK President Putin is the only one who might be up for it, climbing fearless up into the unknown chewing his bully beef and laughing in the face of Grizzly Bears.

OK yes where was I (again), President Putin and my picture, now what I would like to know and it is important; exactly where has he got to today because he seems to have vanished. There is talk in the local village of a huge bullet proof car sitting in a lay-by with a group of suspicious men in wearing dark designer sunglasses and drinking Vodka and feeding Caviar to the ducks in the duck pond.

I did notice in the news while I scanned for news for you know who that President Obama of the USA and Prime Minister Cameron of Britain have announced a multi-billion pound trade deal to sell each other loads of stuff. So America will make loads of stuff and sell it to us and we will make loads of stuff and sell it to them and everyone will be happy. Sorry call me stupid but most countries I thought were in debt and all the folk in the countries feeling the cold mountain winds and the smell of Bovril mixed with the far away singing of a Russian fighting Grizzly bears. . . . . . .  Who has all this money to buy all this stuff that we don’t need. Ooooooooo sorry I have gat all political again that’s not good for a witty block buster movie about an eccentric and sadly I now have no time to tell you what I did today as I need to go and make a cardboard Dragonfly, (part of a trade deal worth absolutely nothing).

A pheasant called Long John Silver and 30 million pounds worth of diamonds

I have just been watching Long John Silver limp across the grass at the front of the house going HAR HAR HAR pieces of grape HAR HAR. Yes you are thinking grape WHAT? Long John Silver was not really the sort of character to eat grapes he was more a red meat and mushy pea’s man, and you are right, however in this case Long John Silver is a Pheasant who has gained the name as a result of his limp, the patch over his eye and his handy skills with a cutlass. Skills well needed when you are dealing with two cats who have taken on the roll of the British fleet hell bent on eating Long John Silver, I cant remember if they managed to eat Long John Silver in the book or not but I noticed on the news that the British have managed to eat Silver the horse used by The Lone Ranger.

One of the fundamental problems horses have is unlike the pheasant they do not have the same skills in swordsmanship, in fact the very act of holding a sword is tricky for a horse. In my own case I prefer pheasants in the garden to horses and a horse would almost certainly break the bird table, as it is it is not really designed for Pheasants and a limping Pheasant is right at the limits of its design parameters.

After time travelling through most of yesterday after prodding a prototype unpredictability machine I am rather annoyed as it appears yesterday was a lovely day full of warmth and sun and today where I have taken the more conventional method of getting through the day it is grey and very cold, all I can say is typical. Luckily this did save me from the fate of the muddy hole but not from the final bits of the tongue and groove panelling, it is the really annoying tiny fiddly bits and odd bits of filler and rubbing down, Sometimes there are times when being good at something is not good. Talking of which dads old friend Benny Neckbender called by and said hello and has left a package with dad for safe keeping, apparently it has 30 million pounds worth of diamonds in it that Benny says was lying about on the runway of some airport and that no one seemed to want them. Dad has said that it is probably best not to mention the 30 million pounds worth of diamonds as mum will not be happy and it is just possible others may be wondering where they are . . . . . . . . . . . .AH DAMN 

Oooo yes my little YouTube clip tonight is from the secret life of Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy who I said I will help to go global so if you wish to share it would be much appreciated; it is all in a good cause. . . . . . AH well it’s a good jolly anyway and Miss Fionaski does like to leap about a lot…..

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The spy, the magic candle, and a dog with three heads

Last night I mentioned that we had to drop off secret notes for Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy and leaper about to bouncy music, this was achieved despite all the wind and rain again, why does it keep doing this it is very very annoying.  There was much whispering and pointing by mum and Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy, then Miss Fionaski came and gave me a candle and I thought O OK COOL?  But I was told it was a magic candle, I have to admit I am always slightly sceptical of magic because of that Harry Potter, after we sort of fell out and he shouted stuff like annoyzizapptimus robbiosa and said I would turn into a mad grumpy compulsive scruffy bitter old blogger who spends his entire time writing total nonsense, misspelling and complaining about the weather all the time, and end up with the worst ghost writer in the world.  Well then Mr Harry Potter, you see I told you your spells are rubbish and all that magic was the figment of a deranged mind. Me and the very nice Steven Spielberg will laugh in the face of your deluded ideas of magic.

Anyway I was talking about a candle; because it was given to me by Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy who said it was magic I thought I better light it today because she would not say such a thing without a reason. And it has turned out to be magic after all well either that or it is an elaborate cunning spy device, because it glows and changes colour when it is lit . . . ..  WELL COOL.

At school I told Esmeralda about the magic candle or possible secret spy device but she was not paying that much attention because she had found lasts years physics A level project and was messing about with it. It is an Invisibility Cloak, you see that Happy Potter has a lot to answer for, anyway Esmeralda told me and Freddie and his ferret that she had been to the main hall, and in it was a huge dog with three heads talking to the headmaster. Mmmmmmmmmm I was rather sceptical about this as well, but Esmeralda is not one with a wild imagination she is more just wild so me and Freddie decided that we should investigate because as we all know all things are possible. Yes I know it is a well known saying and is just not true I have tried to eat a large tub of ice cream in three seconds several times and I know for certain it is not possible.

As we sneaked into the back of the main hall Freddie and myself looked at one another because there in the middle of the hall was a dog with three heads and the headmaster talking. Now when I say a dog with three heads it was the three headmasters from the local schools and the headmasters Pekinese, unfortunately we were spotted and asked what we were doing, Freddie has always said it is best to tell the truth so we said we were looking for a dog with three heads but the headmaster said we were IDIOTS and told us to write out one hundred times dogs do not have three heads.  Me and Freddie could hear Esmeralda laughing hysterically under an invisibility cloak until Freddie’s ferret bit her finger, apparently one of the faults of last years A level project is it is not invisible to ferrets, and it also turns the wearer bright green for several days after use. Me and Freddie did a runner after we told Esmeralda that but no one laughed on the bus home (much).  

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The Spy who came in from the cold, or was it go out?

Not quite so windy today, I thought I’m British I must comment but that is done now so I will move on. Last night I got a secret message to say that Miss Fionaski was coming across to deliver a secret package to mum and I was not to say a word only that Miss Fionaski would arrive at 11.00am. Luckily I think by then I had already written my daily diary entry so the news of the secret package did not make it. I sometimes forget that secrets are best not written in a diary that is read my thousands and MI6 on the internet, it is an easy thing to forget after all in the good old days of paper your diary was where you wrote secrets. Then years later the secret diaries would be published and all the friends of the person whose diary it was would call then a Bl********** ******* ******** back stabber and sue for libel. By publishing my diary online where the entire world can read it my friends know what I have written so still call me a Bl********** ******* ******** back stabber, but it is difficult to sue. Just look at the case of Esmeralda flushing the headmaster’s toupee down the toilet this afternoon. She would have got away with it, if it was not for the fact it blocked the main sewer pipe. Then the plumber thought it was a huge rat and the environmental health man examined it and found the headmasters name on the name tag. The headmaster was not happy about the fact he had to explain it was not his pet rat but his hair. It did not help either when the environmental health officer said it was not a hare because the ears were too small . . . . . . . HAH HAHAHH HAHHAH HHAHAHAHH HAHH Ah hah ah ahah ahaha hahahahh hah ha

Anyway what was I saying AH yes it was not as windy today . . . . . Hang on no not that; Miss Fionaski came to see us at 11.00 am and delivered the secret package to mum who was surprised because luckily it was still a secret . . . .PHEW. then she showed us her latest spy outfit apparently they are all the fashion in the spy business these days and are designed to confuse border guards who are disorientated and think you are going in the opposite direction to the way you are going. I have supplied a picture but if you are reading the best selling paperback this is a jumper with the buttons at the back so you look like you are standing the wrong way round you cant undo the buttons because it is not easy to do up buttons on your back and it would hinder your escape over the border.  The world of spies and espionage is all very strange.

Oooooo I may have made a cake today but it is a secret . . . . . . . . . . .DAMN 

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A Famous Russian Spy called Miss Fionaski and the intrepid Siberian forests of Siberia

As you know over the last few days I have complained that it has been very very cold, so in a sort of themed weather based continuation of my diary, I can tell you all in a very loud voice, well I would if I was able to type in a loud voice, that today was in fact very very very cold, no it really was it was cold. It was the sort of cold where you might bump into say a Famous Russian Spy called Miss Fionaski who might be out practising her abilities at moving through the intrepid Siberian forests of Siberia navigating using only the stars. So as Miss Fionaski was passing us as she navigated the wild woods she called in to say hello, discuss the new shortwave radio code cipher with mum . . . . . .XAQ145F3NNp  . . . . . Which I am not allowed to tell you about or it will ruin months of hard work . . . . . . . . .AH DAMN sorry about that, apparently mum says that Mr President Putin has just sent a message saying I AM AN  IDIOT. Hay a message from President Putin that’s cool.

Miss Fionaski  The Famous Russian Spy

While Miss Fionaski was here I showed her the Christmas tree, she likes Christmas and she was showing me her cunning spy electronics that allowed her to see all the stars in the sky even during the day and her translator which automatically translates into any language. So I tried to get it to translate My seagull called yod has eaten all your cheese slices but it said   Радио является большим для членов КГБ и тайных агентов, which turned out to be the wrong response in Russian. Then Miss Fionaski vanished off into the cold to meet people and take pictures of secret things.

Not Long after that Miss Issy turned up and said it was jolly damn cold, so cold that she would not be surprised to meet a famous Russian spy on a training mission in the woods as they looked just like the  intrepid Siberian forests of Siberia; (that’s the woods not the Famous Russian Spy).

So that’s it I am running away to a warmer place leaving none but the hardiest of beasts fighting through the cold hard frost of winter. I did see a shadowy figure with a big red cloak which had white fur lined edges and a hood and they were wearing big black boots and carrying a large suspicious sack and may have had a false beard;  so I shouted out to them in a friendly gesture Радио является большим для членов КГБ и тайных агентов but they ran off hiding their face, back into the woods. Muttering something about President Putin and the letter he sent to Lapland.