An A to Z Coronavirus observational guide. . . L

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Lockdown

Yes we are in a state of Lockdown. In Britain it is less extreme than in many countries which is why folk are still sneaking out as they re-enact The Great Escape with their kids. It probably also explains why there were so many motorbikes about over the weekend too.

Us British generally are expected to do the right thing and not escape and run off to the beach so the government are reluctance to use too much force to persuade us.  It is unlikely that we would ever find the army pointing weapons at us even if the end of the world was just around the corner. Such action would be regarded as unacceptable; and folk would certainly complain a bit.  

Anyway where you live has rather a major impact on how you are coping with the lockdown. As I have said previously I live in a very rural community and us folk who live out in the sticks generally are coping much better than city folk. In fact the appeal of country life right now is so strong that many of those city folk are coming to see us. However we are melting into the background particularly as we have all seen the film ‘The Great Escape’ and we know it does not end well for many of them.

We have had several lovely warm days over Easter and I do feel for those who find they are unable to take advantage of it if they do not have an outside space of their own. I wonder if there will be a desire to buy houses with gardens after all this has been resolved.

Lockdown in the garden

A view from a roof

(12...)

What a lovely sunny day it has been today. This meant that I was able to do some really constructive work on the roof of the new workshop I am building myself.  I achieved a bit yesterday but being Britain when you need a guaranteed window of a few days with no rain, (they are far and few between)  when you get one you go for it... Today was predicted dry and so is tomorrow and probably the day after. And that is good enough for me to get that roof felt fitted. It seems I just bought enough too. With basically nothing left over so  ...  PHEW.

One thing about a lovely sunny day working on a roof is you get a great view of things. Our garden is rather overgrown which is good and it means it is full of wildlife, not just Zombies and Hedgehogs either. It is full of butterflies and all manner of small flying critters which is probably why we get House Martians chatting on the power and telephone lines. House Martins sound a bit like dolphins to me which might explain why we never see them in the winter. They turn in dolphins, let’s face it, it’s got to be easier than flying to Africa chasing insects for dinner.

Right a few pictures taken from the New Workshop roof today. . . . .

The summerhouse I built has a proper roof not felt

Note the Zombie trail across the field

Pesky Beasts.

MMmmm we do have quite a few trees and shrubs

You can start to see that a Zombie could hide for ages in that lot

The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter T

T

‘Are we there yet’ . . . I can hear my brain saying. This alphabet thing is longer than you think when you are doing your best to keep a slightly bewildered and restless crowd amused via the magic of the Internet. Luckily there is now a light at the end of the tunnel, a tunnel that is full of soot and a rather annoyed Duck who is also heading towards the light at fair old speed which I estimate to be in the region of 126 mph (203 km/h) or there about.

Now you will be wondering about Plan T . . .  I suspect.  Well tonight I have abandoned my Plan and have Planned a Tea Break instead. This is the great virtue of the A to Z Challenge we can just say Ya Sucks Boo and make up our own rules and do our own thing. I mean if folk think . . . . I’m not reading this. . . . Well so be it

Hang on where has everyone gone?

The Front Garden on one of its better days

Full of Plan T's

HAHAH hah aha ha ha haha ha ha ha hah 

a hah ah h ahhahahah ah h hhaa 

a hahahha haha hahhaha h

a aha hahahah ahahhah 

h aha ha h h ha 

a haha hah

ha ha ha ha 

a ha h

a h

ha ha

ha

ha

. . . 

..

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Another day in the life of an ordinary old battered chap

It has been a busy-ish day I say ish because my old battered body just cant do the stuff it used to in the old days when I was a devil may care North Sea Tiger leaping from platform to ship to barge to rig and an assortment of things in-between. Right now I am waiting for some glue to harden up so I can carry on making a chair of a teddy bear to sit on that will be in pride of place on Saturday afternoon in the village hall as folk try the Guess the Name of the Bear competition. I am making Him/her a tall chair (comparatively) as this a village jumble sale so the poor little bear needs to be at a height where he will be seem and not lost in the chaos of Jumble. I am not sure what sort of jumble will be there but having volunteered to help I am somewhat apprehensive having seen previous jumble sales.  I don’t know about other places but round here the same stuff appears to go round in circles until folk get frightened to even turn up.

We have also managed to get to the Garden Centre in Shrewsbury where I bought two small Japanese Acer’s for £22.00 which I thought seemed a good deal. I have also managed to cut some of the grass in the back garden. . . OK it’s more a wild space than garden, but we have just over half an acre and I have never yet managed to get it all looking good at the same time. We also have a pair of pheasants nesting somewhere known to all here as Mr and Mrs Gandhi, we call all our pheasants Gandhi

OK I ran off there for a bit but I am back now

AH NO sorry I am off again I will be back in a bit.

OK back but much later

I have got a bit more done on the chair for the bear, eaten food, chilled a bi in front of the TV (as sitting behind it is silly) and I have shouted at the cats. I don’t know what they are on but the pair of them are driving me had (sorry mad, see what I mean) with their tactical battle over who can corner who in the corner.

OK that’s it that is a typical day in the life of me yet again. Exciting it is not, but on the bright side is was a lovely sunny day and I have seen more swallows and more Red Kites, we get a lot of Red Kites around here (the birds not the fabric flying device with string attached), 

Gardens and Motivations . . . . and the thoughts of the Jabberwocky

With the kitchen Diner fast reaching a point of completion and the prospect of a sunny weekend, I was sent into the garden to do battle with the ever impregnable vastness of it. Phew it has grown somewhat in the last month or so since I last took some serious notice of it. So it was a good opportunity to test the newly refurbished Steam Powered Strimmer, a device with a history of great fickleness and the ability to sulk for days on end. But today it was in a chirpy mood indeed and we set off in perfect harmony into the lush greenness of what was once called a Lawn.

Now I was not really so keen on this at the start of the day but was talked round with the prospect of something exciting for our evening meal such as slow roasted Japanese Godzilladom with crispy fried Welsh Dragon Scales and Wizards Balls. . . . NO NO not those balls, this is a child friendly blog you lot, but truffles and Saffron covered in the gold leaf and crushed fairy wings and sprinkled with the unknown thoughts of the Jabberwocky and a bit of maple syrup. Followed by Ice Cream covered in fresh Double Cream and Walnuts and a bit of Strawberry Crumble.  It’s one of those recipes from that book . . . Fantastic Feasts and How to Eat Them . . .  Written by that well known author  . . . . . . . . . . Ah . . . . thingy. . .  what’s their name?  Apparently it has been rewritten and all those recipes for wizards like roast or barbecued beasts and dragons have been removed as it was making small children cry. So the new book has no recipes and its name has been changed a bit, and have you ever tried to buy fresh eye of newt and wing of bat in Sainsbury’s, its not easy.

Anyway I have cut the grass at the front today and if all goes well will set too on the jungle round the back of the house tomorrow. . . . . AH yes that meal, well due to certain issues and not actually having any Welsh Dragon Scales at present we had Pizza, and the cat ate the fairy, I warned them not to flap those wings near the cat.  Still it was a rather tasty Bat Wing Pizza with a bit of spiced Jabberwocky so I was quite happy.

I am well knackered though so will go and chill for a while.

AH the cat has been sick . . . . . . YUCK.       

R is for Rut

I have been busy today making a rut. . . . . Yes a rut, not a hut. And there are good reasons for this that I’m sure folk will agree with. You see us human beings are creatures of habit. Folk may say they are not and they like to be spontaneous and non conformist, but there is much myth in this, and like all creatures that like to live in large colonies, some of which bear (or bare) a striking resemblance to a termite mound, we are rather predictable. Some folk may find this depressing, but it is biologically built into our DNA because if we all went off doing spontaneous stuff all the time the world would fall into anarchy and chaos. Much like a termite hill would if all the worker termites decided to take up water polo or making models of Elvis. 

However there is one thing I am always told that should not befall us, and that is to get into a rut, this is a sort of valley which means it is difficult to get out of like a model scalextric racing car on its track. Which would imply that once you are travelling very fast you will suddenly fly off and hit the bookcase? I have a feeling this may have happened to me once, but I was unaware of the reason at the time.

But in a moment of genius today where I remembered that Baldrick in the last of the Black Adder series set in WW1 decided that if he was to scratch his name on a bullet and hang on to it he would know where the bullet with his name on was and so would be safe.  So today I thought to avoid the risk of getting in a rut I would make the rut where I could plainly see it and avoid falling into it. I also thought some sharp bends would held just in case so if I do fall in I can run at speed and fly out of the rut in the sharp corner and hit the bookcase again.  I built the rut on the front lawn which is (was) nice and flat where I can easily see it to avoid falling in. It has obviously impressed the entire family who when they saw my efforts left them totally speechless, muttering stuff about IDIOTS and spades. I have explained it needs more work and a man with a mini-digger to really turn it into something really memorable a sort of Grand Canyon of Ruts. It is clear they totally agree as they sort of nodded and pointed at it a lot.

Q is for a Quiet Quintessentially Quant English Garden

Taking the Ghost Writer to a Quiet Quintessentially Quant English garden was not entirely a good move. Not when he is doing his classic Quadrophenia  look. Still it has helped us though the letter Q like a hot quantum physicist through a particle accelerator 

Well thats it for tonight we really have been in a rather lovely garden today and I have run out of steam . . . . I can add a pic of the garden just after everyone ran screaming when the Ghost Writer smiled at them.

Oooooo there was one snag (well two if you include the Ghost Writer) the garden is in Wales, not England, just about 10 miles away.

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G is for Ghouls, Ghosts and Gardeners

A useful tip that folk may not know about is be selective with who you use as a Gardener because Ghosts, Ghouls and Gargoyles can be a little obstinate and will tend to go off and do their own thing. And saying to them NO NO I was thinking of maybe a cherub balancing on the back of a dauphin, sorry I mean dolphin; OOOOo no a dauphin would be good, in the fish pond, not the four horsemen of the apocalypse. . . . . . . And yes the blood red dye in the water is very effective but will clash with the goldfish a bit . . . . Hang on are those piranha fish. . . .  Will only make them stare at you like you are a fool and know nothing and that the new sulphur bed with its noxious gasses and sharp pointy things is now so much better that the old flower bed with its Gladioli and Garibaldi Biscuits . . . . . sorry I mean bluebells.

That’s the last time we use UNDIG Gardeners Ltd with their catchy slogan . . . . The UnDig Have Risen from the Grave, no job to small……….  

And if you are wondering what happened to my diary and I might be in a couple of year’s time when I look back to see what I was doing . . . . AH Sorry about that, particularly if you are me.

Gardening in the Garden or instant steps

Today I was doing a bit of gorilla gardening only in our own garden, which is not really what you are meant to do as it is not really part of the overall concept. However there is much to do, even though loads has been done over the last couple of years. 

Now you might be thinking, what is a young eccentric child of cyberspace doing gardening, and you are right, on the face of it this is the Provence of say a grumpy old Ghost Writer, but I do big stuff or I am sent down deep dark muddy holes. What I do not do is play with flowers and the like unless I can use a chainsaw or a flame thrower and I am told both are not ideal tools for a flower bed,

So today I made a couple of steps, a small gravel path through a hole in a hedge that was not there (that’s the hole as the hedge was there), shifted some plants in pots and then painted some stone blue. I know stone is not normally blue, but it works ok in the Majorelle Garden in Marrakesh and I did have some paint left over from painting the sea blue yesterday. I am hoping if all goes to plan I might get to make a tree and paint that blue tomorrow, but me and plans do not always go together well.

We have also reached the point in the year where in the evening all the fairy lights at the front of the house can be switched on again, We have about two thousand of them I think at present but I have a feeling there are another two or three thousand to go up soon. It is one of the reasons Mr Jones is often lurking round the house, he says Aliens will see our house as a landing beacon at the edge of the woods with its strange glow from the myriad of little lights.

OOOooooo and I had bacon and chips for tea so YUM………

Diaries, Awards, Distress Fractals and Patio's

I am back, well when I say back I am back writing the diary again after all that awards ceremony yesterday where I wandered up and down red carpets smiling with ultra white teeth at the press and wearing my best clothes.  I did try and mingle with the celebrities but they tried to huddle together and appeared to be all out to form a barrier between myself and the nice Steven Spielberg. I thanked everyone I could possibly think of for my award because I realize it is not good form to say “Hell I am good and it is no wonder I won, the others were quiet frankly total rubbish”. So after several hours of thanking everyone I noticed folk were shuffling about and looking at watches, I guess they had trains to catch so I finished off by annoying (sorry announcing to) everyone the news of the forthcoming Steven Spielberg spectacular based on the manuscript of my diary. I have even offered to include more horses and stretched limousines to keep him happy. AH mum has said IDIOT apparently Lincoln has nothing to do with stretched limousines, well that’s a bit confusing calling a film after a car and then not having any cars in it.

Ooooo OK sorry a little distracted after a grey day of architectural structural design at school where we analysed distress fractals in the structure of the school roof by loading it up with huge concrete blocks borrowed from the foundations. We were finally able to conclude that it was not our fault that the roof is now structurally faulty. As the science teacher said the frontiers of science will never be broken without the odd bandage, sorry I mean Breakage, hang on I mean both….

I then spent my weekly hour of penance at the local junior school teaching Art to the small over enthusiastic children who I have been told really enjoy my visits, that’s a worry. As it happened they managed to stay sort of focused until about the last quarter of an hour when their young keen minds started to ponder distress fractals in teachers, or to be more specific me…..

I have also on my return home managed to do a little work on the construction of a trellis perimeter to the slowly developing Moroccan Patio Garden which still has rather a long way to go but is slowly but surely taking shape. And I hope to be able to draw another Micro God later time permitting (busy busy busy), I think I need the Micro God of Patio's and Verandas after all this is Britain…. 

           

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The Great Gazebo Grab and a Pair of Partridge

It appears the weather has gone mad again in the UK, sunny one minute and pouring with rain the next and on a couple of occasion’s heavy hail so it has been very confusing indeed. It also made our raid to dismantle a gazebo in a garden rather a mixed affair. When we got there to do the deed it was lovely and sunny, but once I removed a few screws committing me to dismantling the entire thing I was attacked by rain and then hail. It appears I was the main man to dismantle the gazebo and the others said they would act as lookouts to ensure the gazebo grab was a success. Unfortunately due to the weather I had to abandon the last two posts and they are still in the ground, I then loaded up the getaway car while the others maintained a lookout for passers by, aliens, possible zombies and maybe the odd gorilla. We were after all in the garden of the gorilla gardening trip. It appears that it has been deemed by the powers that be that the gazebo was in fact the wrong sort of gazebo and had to go.

I have to say it can be quite a squeeze getting 28 people and a gazebo in a car and not appear suspicious but as the weather at that point was rubbish no one noticed legs arms and heads hanging out of windows and doors except a couple of partridges who were chasing food as we arrived home. So we did have a successful gazebo grab and as long as I don’t write about it we will have committed the perfect crime. . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

Apparently there is a master plan afoot to get the remaining two posts which right now appear to look like goal posts so no one will notice that a huge wooden Trojan Gerbil has vanished, (how can a plan be afoot anyway? . . . . .  silly saying).

The plan (the other bit of the plan) is to turn the Trojan Gerbil into something more useful, mum has suggested a packing case for dads weather machine which dad insists has only gone wrong because a new cat up the road has taken to sleeping in the micro condensing filament tube aligner and so every time it rolls over the degaussing flux coils deactivate. I can see how that might happen; it would be very annoying if the world’s weather was destroyed by a sleeping cat. Although cats are a bit like that.

Gorilla Gardening and a John Lennon lookalike

I was very excited today because I was told we were off Gorilla Gardening, which sounded WELL COOL after all it is not everyday you get to go and chase gorillas and remove  them from peoples gardens. So I was well prepared with a harpoon gun and a pointy stick and camouflage clothing ready to do battle with the large lumpy beasts in someone’s garden., but it appears gorilla gardening does not involve gorillas just gardening.  I feel I may have been lead up the garden path so to speak, well I would have been if the garden in question had a garden path which it does not.  Anyway there was a gang of us and we attacked (well not as in attack ….. AAAAuuuuuuuggghhhh, sort of attack) a garden by weeding, cutting hedges, moving things, poking at possible Gorillas and  Zombies hiding in shrubs, that was mainly me as I feel it is best to be on the safe side. We then all stopped for lunch but never quite got going again due to exhaustion. If there were gorillas about (or Zombies) that was us at our weakest and they missed the opportunity of attack, (attack as in Attack, AAAAuuuuuuuggghhhh, sort of attack). 

Not a gorilla 

During our meal I was told that I looked like John Lennon before he was born which made people snigger and I was told that it probably meant I looked like I should be in a cell, I was not amused and I bet no one would say that to a gorilla or a Zombie, although I think a gorilla is more Elvis than John Lennon. I also learnt that the Prime Minister can make really good pies; I say this but it was only what I was told and for all I know he might or might not make good pies and I never established what sort of pie we were talking about, I think that is important.

Anyway I need to rest because gorilla gardening may not involve any gorillas but it is hard work, I may go and look for hedgehogs later ….. So good night I will return as I do tomorrow.

    

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The Bradley Wiggins Effect, a Strimmer, Heavy Harry the Cat and the Chicken

The summer holiday appears to be rapidly going at the speed of a speeding express train (no not slow I mean quickly) and I appear to be doing DIY and gardening every day, that can’t be right. This diary is meant to be the diary of an eccentric child of cyberspace, a Peter Pan character in a Harry Potter world only less sulky and moody and in an Adrian Mole Diary format. So all this DIY and gardening is fundamentally wrong, however I am working on it, and I talked the dog into eating a large alarm clock. Peter Pan had a large scary ticking beast, unfortunately I had not considered the fact that the dog would chew my alarm clock quite that much so it stopped ticking.  You can let a dog off once with that mistake but after he had chewed the fifth alarm clock I was a bit annoyed and had no alarm clocks left. In the end he swallowed my ipop in one go and spend the day busking outside the out of town supermarket singing the Ace of Spades (again, I know it’s a small world, things repeat themselves).

Meanwhile Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy is off today to the moon on a secret mission which I must not mention……..DAM……… Sorry I did, and Captain Nessman of the High Seas starts heading off for his adventure in China tomorrow.  I think I am allowed to mention that so that’s OK…….. …….. ……….. …….. AH No sorry……..DAM.

Heavy Harry the Cat and the chicken have sort of been playing although Heavy Harry the Cat was not entirely happy that the Chicken tried to nick his drink. Mum was out in her black Lamborghini and muttering about the so called Bradley Wiggins effect, this for those who do not know of the Bradley Wiggins effect is groups of unfit men on expensive bicycles cycling on the road and looking like a heart attack on wheels. I personally think it is best to leave this to Bradley Wiggins himself he is much better at it that the rest of us after all I would not leap out of a tall tree and flap my arms just because a pigeon does (yes yes I know I did try it just the once).

As for me I was gardening again, well after I stripped the strimmer down and rebuilt in which took half the morning to do, it was bought in 1995 and spent the first 10 years of its life outside regardless of the weather so it sometimes decides to sulk a bit. I once met the man who invented and designed Black and Decker’s first electric string trimmer in 1970 (the model #8200) but he never got the credit for the design which was given to an American the following year. Life is fickle (again). But this is all a distraction from the fact I have not done anything interesting today what so ever.

Oooooo I did catapult a dead pigeon over a fence……….

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