The Lost World of the Japanese Crayfish Jousters

I have noticed that just lately some very nice person or persons in Japan has been reading my ever so humble blog this is very encouraging indeed. I mean if it appeals to the Japanese then I will see this as a positive bit of street cred and must mean that my blog is now some sort of minority cult. All the best cult blogs are read by just a small number of folk, particularly folk in Japan. So for the benefit of my Japanese readers I am repeating an old post for him/her/them . . . . I hope you like it and thanks for reading.    

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Once upon a time back in darkest history when Knights were Knights and villagers would scream and run about in fear of large dragons that breathed fire at all sorts of stuff, and wizards would cast spells turning large grown men into frogs or would turn slugs into small rodents or cats into violin strings. It was quite common for small children when asked what they would like to do when they grew up, to all shout I WANT TO BE A JAPANESE CRAYFISH JOUSTER. Their fearsome reputation and the adulation of the massed crowds who would shower them in small bits of Halibut and gold coins made them the heroic figures of the day. Yes the Japanese Crayfish Jousters were known across the known world of the time and the spectacle of huge crayfish charging at one another across the arena was something to behold as both beast and man were covered in gold and jewels and showed no fear.

Of course such things never last and as time pasted and the fables and legends of the past faded into the lost corners of history when asked what they wanted to be when they grew up, small children would then shout I WANT TO BE A TRAIN DRIVER OR AN ASTRONAUT the dreams of the Japanese Crayfish Jousters lost for ever.

But even those, the simple dreams of small children have changed in just a few years, as the dark shadows of the corporate world and obsession with media penetrated the very soul of mankind. Because if you say to a group of small children now, what do you want to be when you grow up, they will all shout I WANT BE THE WINNER OF A TALENT SHOW ON TELEVISION, PLAY FOR MAN UTD . . . . . ..   AND HAVE BIG BOOBS.  But one day in the future a very nice man called say maybe Steven Spielberg will think Japanese Crayfish Jousters what a great idea for a block buster film and then once again everyone will want to be Japanese Crayfish Jousters like the old days.   . . . We can but hope. 

Steven Spielberg, Jurassic World and certain investment concerns about dinosaurs

As my few but loyal followers will know I have been cooking up brilliant ideas for the very nice Steven Spielberg now for about four years and in that time have thought of hundreds of them. Some of them probably even good ones, yes the law of averages states that I Rob Z Tobor is capable of thinking of good ideas, a bit like all those monkeys writing Shakespeare in the infinite voids of infinity.  So am I annoyed that the nice Mr Spielberg is doing a sneaky and churning out yet another dinosaur film, this time called Jurassic World well the answer is . . . . . . . . a bit.

And in order to understand just how improbable this film is it is important to go back to the beginning when some bright spark comes up with the idea of Jurassic World in the first place. So let us reflect on a man as he walks with purpose along the busy streets of Gotham City clutching his neat leather executive case heading towards the Gotham City Central Bank.

Hey hello Professor shouts a voice in the crowd as Professor Frankenstein busily pushes his way through the throng into the huge marble hall way of the Central Bank, its magnificent classical columns twinkling with the light of the halls chandeliers.

O hello Clark I am a bit late for an appointment at present so will see you later, I could have a great story for the paper. With that he waves and heads off towards the manager’s office, it is not good to be late when you want to borrow several million Dollars.

Professor Frankenstein you are on the dot please come straight in it is always good to see you. Says the banks Manager

Ah Thank you . . . you are very kind

Please take a seat and tell me how I can help you, although I have to warn you banking has changed in the last few years it is not like it was back in the good old days.

Yes I have a new plan. One greater than any of my previous plans and one that will make us all very very rich it’s a brilliant plan if I say so myself. But I will need to borrow several million dollars.

Well as I have said Banking is not what it was, but we are always keen to support good ideas tell me all about it.

Yes I want to build a world full of living dinosaurs and breed them in captivity it will attract millions of visitors and scientists from all over the world. . . . I thought I would call it Jurassic World.

AH . . . . Well Professor it sounds a bit like Jurassic Park to me and we know what happened with that and more than once I may add.

Yes OK it didn’t entirely work out as planned but this time it will be dead exciting . . . no pun intended. . . and entirely safe. . . . . Sort of.

You said that last time Professor and you told me that they would be small dinosaurs not huge things

Well they were smallish . . . . they just had big claws

Indeed and just how big will these dinosaurs be this time.

Welll mmmmmm maybe 70 to 90 feet long or so but with smaller claws.

Look I’m sorry Professor but the bank can’t afford to invest in more monsters we are not thought of well at present and your track record is a bit dodgy to say the least. I mean what happened to that chap you made with the bolt through his neck. And we invested in that King Kong which turned out to be a bad move, as did that bloke Indiana Jones and his Pyramid Scam. And if anyone mentions the creature from the black lagoon again I will hit them.

So it sounds like you are saying No

O what the hell we will give it a go what can really go wrong. . . . Sooner or later someone will get the hang of these dinosaurs, they cant all be super intelligent killing machines. I mean just how realistic is that,  After all even that nice Steven Spielberg would not be foolish enough  to make yet another of those films would he.

AH DAMN funny you should say that

THE END. . . . . . . . . . .   

The Concluding Part of Harry Potter and the Dark Clouds of Doom . . . . (Part Four)

Link to Part Three 

If there is one useful tip that everyone should know about Godzilla it is that He/She gets bored very quickly. This is not something the wizards of Hogwarts are aware of, but everyone is hiding anyway with the exception of a small girl called Lily Luna who is shouting

Look I have now named you Wally and I would like you to wear this pink ribbon round your neck so that everyone knows you are a pet Godzilla. And stop making all that noise you are scaring the cat.

Well as you can imagine the huge Godzilla is not going to wear a pink ribbon or eat a carrot so with little else to amuse it in the Academy it wanders off deep into the Magic Forrest, where it suspects there might just be a large Gorilla called Kong. Apparently the Gorilla has been telling the very nice David Attenborough that it is King of the jungle and that the big lizard is a so called has been.  And that the old Gypsy is rubbish as it told him he was going to fall off a big building while being shot at by biplanes. . . Those old Gypsies will tell folk anything for a few coins and an ice cream. . . .

As Lily Luna headed back to Harry Potters office annoyed that her new pet has wandered off she stumbles over a small strange creature and she decides there and then that this will be her new pet. She has no idea what it is but looks it up in the rather useful book . . .  Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them . . . . .  it turns out to be a Loopisaurus. Without reading about it she heads off to the office to tell her dad.

look what I got dad, its a Loopisaurus she says as she enters the office . . . . . . . What are you doing under the desk dad . . . .with HagriD?

As they emerge they look at the beast and Harry says

Is that a Loopisaurus . . .  I have a bad feeling about this I can sense those Dark Clouds of Doom again

Why dad . . . .  it’s my new pet

Hagrid butting in and saying the Loopisaurus makes time go in loops its, its defence mechanism it confuses its enemies until they get a headache and run off.

That’s silly she says, and with that she runs off out of the office to play with her new pet

O Dear says Harry I can feel those Dark Clouds of Doom I think it is time to hide under the desk again…

But just as Harry and Hagrid vanish under the desk the door opens again and in runs Lily Luna

look what I got dad, its a Loopisaurus she says as she enters the office . . . . . . . What are you doing under the desk dad . . . .with HagriD?

As they emerge they look at the beast and Harry says

Is that a Loopisaurus . . .  I have a bad feeling about this I can sense those Dark Clouds of Doom again

Why dad . . . .  it’s my new pet

Hagrid butting in and saying the Loopisaurus makes time go in loops its, its defence mechanism it confuses its enemies until they get a headache and run off.

That’s silly she says and with that she runs off out of the office to play with her new pet

O Dear says Harry I can feel those Dark Clouds of Doom I think it is time to hide under the desk again…

But just as Harry and Hagrid vanish under the desk the door opens again and in runs Lily Luna.

look what I got dad, its a Loopisaurus she says as she enters the office . . . . . . . What are you doing under the desk dad . . . .with HagriD?

As they emerge they look at the beast and Harry says

Is that a Loopisaurus . . .  I have a bad feeling about this I can sense those Dark Clouds of Doom again

Why dad . . . .  it’s my new pet

Hagrid butting in and saying the Loopisaurus makes time go in loops its, its defence mechanism it confuses its enemies until they get a headache and run off.

That’s silly she says and with that she runs off out of the office to play with her new pet

O Dear says Harry I can feel those Dark Clouds of Doom I think it is time to hide under the desk again…

But just as Harry and Hagrid vanish under the desk the door opens again and in runs Lily Luna

look what I got dad, its a Loopisaurus she says as she enters the office . . . . . . . What are you doing under the desk dad . . . .with HagriD?

As they emerge they look at the beast and Harry says

Is that a Loopisaurus . . .  I have a bad feeling about this I can sense those Dark Clouds of Doom again

Why dad . . . .  it’s my new pet

Hagrid butting in and saying the Loopisaurus makes time go in loops its, its defence mechanism it confuses its enemies until they get a headache and run off.

That’s silly she says and with that she runs off out of the office to play with her new pet

O Dear says Harry I can feel those Dark Clouds of Doom I think it is time to hide under the desk again…

But just as Harry and Hagrid vanish under the desk the door opens again and in runs Lily Luna

look what I got dad, its a Loopisaurus she says as she enters the office . . . . . . . What are you doing under the desk dad . . . .with HagriD?

As they emerge they look at the beast and Harry says

Is that a Loopisaurus . . .  I have a bad feeling about this I can sense those Dark Clouds of Doom again

Why dad . . . .  it’s my new pet

Hagrid butting in and saying the Loopisaurus makes time go in loops its, its defence mechanism it confuses its enemies until they get a headache and run off.

That’s silly she says and with that she runs off out of the office to play with her new pet

O Dear says Harry I can feel those Dark Clouds of Doom I think it is time to hide under the desk again…

But just as Harry and Hagrid vanish under the desk the door opens again and in runs Lily Luna

Hagrid. . .says Harry

Yes Harry

I’ve got a headache I think we should run away

THE END 

Godzilla meets Where's Wally in Harry Potter and the Dark Clouds of Doom (Part Three).

Link to Part TWO

Thanks Hagrid for ridding me of those terrible Wicker men says Harry Potter as he extracts himself from under his desk.

Well it is amazing what a gallon of petrol and a few matches will do and those Wicker men do burn rather well

It is probably best if we don’t tell Miss Lily Luna about it. she will only get all upset and start screaming a lot and we don’t want that do we.

With that Lily Luna runs into the office shouting Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally.

We don’t know what happened to him says Harry. He vanished when the large Wicker man strangely went on fire . . . . James Sirius Potter had followed Lily Lunu into the office and looking slightly puzzled says Well Hagrid had him, we saw him scurrying off with Wally and a can of petrol towards the woods.

Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally . . . Where’s Wally says Lily luna looking at Hagrid and adding and you know that your eyes go red when you lie to me and they look a bit pink already

AH says Hagrid Harry made me do it he made me set him on fire and I flushed his ashes down the toilet. . . . .

With that Lily Luna Screams and Screams and demands a new pet straight away insisting that she is going to call it Wally after Wally the Wicker Man.

Hagrid says I will take you to the FOREST right now Miss Lily Luna How about a reptile they can be fun you could keep it in a big glass tank and watch it eat stuff….

OK but I get to choose which one I want says Lily Luna.

After several hours Hagrid and Lil Luna return to Hogwarts with a new Pet, Lily luna looking very pleased as they arrive back in Harry’s office.

Have you got a new pet then Lily LunA

Yes

That is good and what kind of Reptile is it Hagrid

AH . . . it’s a muggle one, but it’s a bit big

When you say big,I do hope you dont mean like a komodo dragon

Ah . . . no it’s a bit bigger than that

Not a huge great Python I hope

AH . . .  No it’s a bit bigger that that

O dear I can see those Dark Clouds of Doom looming again . . . what sort of Muggle Reptile is bigger that a huge great Python

AH . . .  IT’S Godzilla

WHAT?????

AH . . . can I join you under your desk Mr Potter, I DON'T think it likes being called Wally.

 To Be Continued (maybe)

Link to Part Four (the Concluding Part)

T is for Tyrannosaurus Rex not as some might think Godzilla

Don't offer an Apple to a Large Tyrannosaurus Rex 

it's silly

Ooo yes I have had a very busy day, and plan to run off and rest in a couple of minutes but first I must say T is for Tyrannosaurus Rex and not just any Tyrannosaurus Rex, but a huge one, the size of something huge. In fact a Tyrannosaurus Rex so large that those Pesky Godzilla Appreciation Society folk will say Oooooooooo it's Godzilla, but no its a Tyrannosaurus Rex, not a fire breathing rubber suit. . . . . .

.

P is for Possible Profits from a Preposterous Prehistoric Predator and the Godzilla Appreciation Society

It is just possible that folk may be under the illusion that I may know many things as I often sneak many quirky references into my mad little tales as part of my diary, I’m sure most of you spot them as they are not that obscure (OK they can be). Although just lately as a diary, my diary has become rubbish.  But you see in reality things that folk may think of as everyday knowledge pass me by and I know nothing of them, or I might have but I forget them as my short term memory is very very short indeed, about 8 seconds, much like that of a goldfish.

So this morning while listening to Radio Four and the Today program, one of the BBC top news and discussion shows, I was rather taken back by the news of the public release in the Britain of Godzilla. They even played a tiny clip and then all sniggered.  Some of you if you heard it will ask yourself WHY SNIGGER, well that is dead easy they are all members of the Godzilla Appreciation Society and as you know I have had my little run ins with them in the past with their preposterous  prehistoric Predator made of rubber and breathing fire at folk. So they are having a little go at me . . . ROB Z TOBOR

I am sure there must be a conspiracy going on, its bad enough to have Harry Potter shouting at me all smugly that he is worth a mint and saying he has made loads of films from his block buster best selling books and they have even built a rather popular Harry Potter world and saying . . . . . . HA HA HA YA SUCKS BOOO TO YOU. But to add insult to injury I now have the Godzilla Appreciation Society adding their voice and shouting HA HA HA YA SUCKS BOOO  at me now. I am sure the timing is on purpose as only yesterday I was telling the tale of the Aardvarkasaurus Wrecks, a dinosaur which is far more plausible than a huge fire breathing beast that is not even original. I mean if you are going to make films about a huge monster at least pick an original one not on old cult Japanese one.  What we need is originality, say a bit like this blog not the same old rubbish that has made loads of money before that is dead easy to do.

I am going to boycott this film and watch the old 1950’s original instead which is actually rather bad as they were not that good at special effects back then and so a man in a rubber suit got to be not only Godzilla, but also The Creature from the Black Lagoon and an Alien in one of good old Professor Quatermass’s films (now he was good). . . . . .

Anyway I am off to sulk now and to make matters worse I have no drawing to use tonight and so will have to think of something quick . . . . . . . . . . .  I keep writing all these great plots and what happens I get beaten to stardom by a stupid huge lizard there is no justice; that thing in reality would physically be unable to junction.  . . Not like an Aardvarkasaurus, that is a practical beast that Charles Darwin himself would be proud of.

Where is that nice Steven Spielberg when you need him? 

The Godzilla Appreciation Society and the Microdot

We are out for a meal tonight, in fact we are out for meals two nights this week which is rather rare as in general we are antisocial and I for one like to grumble and poke folk with pointy sticks. It is far better than poking at holes in the ground with pointy sticks because people are in general far more responsive than holes in the ground unless the person is sort of dead and in a hole in the ground but it is bad form to poke someone who is dead and in the ground unless they are a Zombie or a Vampire. In the case of the Vampire we are generally encouraged to poke pointy sticks into them although you can’t tell they are Vampires until they wake up and start trying to suck all your blood out. You see even the protocol of using a pointy stick is full of pitfalls, which is ironically what happens if you slip you fall into a pit HAH HAHAHH ha hah ah hah ah hah ah ah ha ha ha hah ahha hah ah ah hah ah h ha hah ahah ah hh ah ah ah ah h aha ha ha ha.

OK yes tonight we are teaming up with the Godzilla Appreciation Society on one of their annual shindigs, that does not mean we are digging shins or anything else by the way it just means we are meeting up and having a meal as they now have to find a new location to meet as they have out grown their present meeting hall. Well when I say they have outgrown the hall what I mean is their Genetically Modified Godzilla Experiment has outgrown the hall and the hall committee have complained about the teeth marks in the ceiling.

OOoo yes sorry about tonights picture but mum, who as we know is a secret double agent has to pass a microdot to the Russians and has said she has hidden it in my diary, She said she was going to hide it in one of my drawings, but on seeing tonight’s drawing said I was an IDIOT. However she also said that as long as MI6, GCHQ (hello Quinton and Charles) and the CIA are not aware of her plan, all will be OK…….

AH DAMN

Mum has said IDIOT again . . . . .

The GUILD of GROTESQUES and GARGOYLES. (Part two)

These A to Z people are a bunch of wimps, days off indeed. Now some of you may want to know what happened today at the great battle between the 200 foot (high not legs) Godzilla  and the grey gouache giant garden gnomes with attached gleaming 18mm Gatling Guns ………… Well AH it was sort of a disaster. Yes there is no denying that it was a crowd puller but the Gatling guns were very ineffective against the rubber Godzilla, I don’t know why; those shells were like hot knifes through butter. 

Anyway dad had not thought about where the shells would go once they pass through Godzilla himself so they sort of destroyed a few vehicles and buildings and the like causing a certain amount of panic.

Then someone in the pub (The Golden Goose) phoned the police who at first were very unhelpful. After all if you phone the police from a pub and say a 200foot Godzilla is fighting on the village green with a group of giant garden gnomes it is likely they may not believe you. But in the end they did send the community policeman round who was promptly eaten by Godzilla. He hates authority and uniforms; I think it all has to do with his past. Anyway the next thing was a police marksman team turned up, and Godzilla and the Godzilla is Great Appreciation Society got in a huff and left.

The police have now arrested the giant garden gnomes for disturbing the peace, but are uncertain if  garden gnomes can be prosecuted under British law and are presently waiting for a directive from the very top before formally charging them, but it appears the Gnome Office are yet to respond…………………. HAH HAHAHH Hah hah ahh hahah ah ahaha hah hah hahah hah aha hahahah ah hah hah hah hahah h hahah hah     

And sadly garden gnomes have been banned from the village green and dad has been banned from The guild of grotesques and gargoyles.

Mum has added Idiot.........  I am not sure if that’s dad, the police or the garden gnomes

Gnome Gnome on the Range

The GUILD of GROTESQUES AND GARGOYLES

As we know Mr GRAHAM the art teacher very kindly got right in to the spirit of the letter “G” way back on the 8^th march, when we all made Giant Garden Gnomes and painted them in Grey Gouache and by the end we had a large Group of assorted Grey Giant Garden Gnomes. And although these GIANT Garden Gnomes saved us from the Ghouls and Ghosts they have since been gathering dust as garbage in the garage. It could have been a gruesome and grizzly end to a generations (My generation) great art.

Mr. graham however is a bit of a Guru a gifted and generous guardian of grand gothic artistic goals. So has given dad the grey gouache giant garden gnomes as a gift for The guild of grotesques and gargoyles. The guild of grotesques and gargoyles gather once a month at the Golden Goose Inn on the village Green, drinking gallons of grog, and eating Gateau and game pie. Inviting guests to give governance to their own grand plans in order to get grants from the guild.

For the annual get together and gathering where the Grand Grumpy (the honorary leader) of The guild of grotesques and gargoyles is elected Dad is powering the  GIANT GARDEN GNOMES with sophisticated  Geo-gravitational gyroscopically generated engines and guidance systems. Enabling them to glide gracefully over the village green in a gracious ghostly dance.   

It has transpired however that the Godzilla is Great Appreciation society is also holding their annual event on the Village green on the same day (tomorrow) and so Dad says he plans to fit gleaming 18mm Gatling Guns to the GIANT GARDEN GNOMES to gun down Godzila. The rest of The guild of grotesques and gargoyles are not sure that is a good idea. But as dad says it will liven up the usually rather dull give away local Gazette which is full of Gibberish.

This Grand Battle of Giants will take place on the village green tomorrow. Sadly (for you) my day off from the A to Z so none of you will ever know the outcome …….. HAH AHAHHAH HAH HAHH Hah hah hah hahh haha haha hahahahaha ha hahaha

Talking of Gibberish mum says Idiot …………..Ah no she has just made a gesture instead. 

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