Mans Last Great Adventure . . .

I am starting to prepare for my trip into the unknown a trip fraught with danger and wild beasts and things of which I am yet to think of. Preparations have already been made and we will be setting up our first camp in the freezer section of the huge out of town supermarket next to the frozen Peas. This will give us some protection from the prevailing winds that blow constantly from the large automated sliding doors.  I will be undertaking this journey with Esmeralda, Freddie and his Ferrets and we have managed to acquire bearers to carry the heavy equipment needed to complete our task. Our negotiations with the local tribe called The Checkouts failed terribly, but luckily Freddie found the leader of the reclusive Trolleymen who has agreed to carry our supplies for a modest fee. It seems the Trolleymen have some sort of strange device they use to carry stuff in called a trolley, which I suspect is the reason they are called the Trolleymen.

Anyway we will shortly be starting our trip (well sometime in the next few days) to find the source of the last great river that man has yet to explore.

Yes as our support vehicles park up in the car park of the great out of town supermarket in readiness there is nothing left to do but publicly announce our attempt to find the elusive Source Of The Aisle

Things are looking good for this MAN'S Last Great Adventure we have already had two memorable quotes from Freddie and Esmeralda

Dr Livingstone’s Fresh Organic Cornish Pasties I presume

And

I am going for a little walk I may get some thyme.

Should our expedition be successful there is already talk of an attempt on the North Face of the IKEA in the future.                 

The Fish the Crab and the Hot Chocolate

It was very hot today indeed and I have been staggering about a bit like a Zombie, something that happens from time to time when my feet protest about the fact they have to be at the bottom of me while the head gets to be at the top. Feet find themselves in this position most days which is why they tend to be the grumpiest individual body part. Arms sometimes complain a bit at times but they can flap about, which feet cant without making you look like an IDIOT unless you are Fred Astaire . . . . I am not Fred Astaire; in fact I am not Fred Anybody of any sort. Although I may have lost the Thread a bit now as it appears no one is any the wiser about my day (including me) and no one knows what I have done (including me) . . . . . I hate it when you have days where you run about all day and then at the end of the day you cant remember what you did.

Actually that reminds me we went to the vineyard where I drank hot chocolate and ate a rather good slice of chocolate cake, and watched someone doing a wine tasting thing. It appears if you do it (vine tasting) with hot chocolate folk say you are an IDIOT particularly if you attempt your Fred Astaire impression at the same time. My tip of the day would be do not do this.

Anyway while we were away I draw stuff so tonight’s drawing is a Crab and a fish, I did see a couple of fish leaping in the bay, but not Dolphins and I did see a couple of crabs but they were slightly dead. . . .That’s seagulls for you, if you are a small crab all I can say is do not get lured in by the old . . . . .HAY show me your Fred Astaire Impression little crab . . . . .. . . . . it will only lead to misfortune.

Ooooo yes I put some sea glass in a glass bowl so I can now see the sea glass through the glass.

Well that’s it I’m off  . . . . . . I don’t think I have told you about the huge cat yet.     

Slugs, Explosions and a rather useful tip for the A to Z Challenge

As most of you know I am a pupil at the local Academy and due to an administrator’s error also a teacher. Now it has been rather a long time since I have told all of you of events with Freddie and his ferrets or Esmeralda or the school mascot, the School Goat, and with good reason. You see this is not the sort of school frequented by the likes of Harry Potter, it is not a school for wizards although Jimmy’s dad is apparently a wizard at accounts or so the high court judge told him. Jimmy is very proud, he said accounting gets a bad name and it is time someone recognized the skills involved. 

This however is all a distraction what I am saying is our school is a normal school we don’t have three headed dogs or huge blundering giants and the like wandering about; or explosions  . . . . . . . . OK yes we do have explosions but we are young keen and have access to the internet so science needs to be exciting and Maths, it is a little known fact but Maths is a key lesson in the making of explosions as it allows students to use a grappling hook to pinch some weed killer from the caretakers shed below the classroom.

Sorry distracted again . . . . . . Many of you will know that my main subject as a teacher is Zombie Defence Classes but as we approach spring it is a difficult subject to teach as the minds of Zombies turn to love, yes it is apparently the breeding season. As the young innocent slightly eccentric child of cyberspace I have no plans to teach the breeding habits of Zombies to anyone so I thought I KNOW I will do what they do in other schools use Frogs. I was sadly unable to find any Frogs so I have substituted Frogs for Slugs. And with the help of Freddie and Esmeralda managed to fill a huge tank with over 10,000 slugs . . Well it appears the lid of the tank was a little insecure and the slugs are breeding in the school at a rather alarming rate. The good news the breeding cycle of the Zombie and slug is plain for everyone to see; The bad news is I had to stay in after school and clean all the slime . . . . . . . . . .YUCK . . . . . . .

The up side to all this is I feel the very nice Steven Spielberg will be far more amenable to a film full of breeding Slugs and Zombies than one full of annoying British Wizards who just grow up and whinge a lot and anyway that has been well and truly done to death now.  

I will end this diary entry on the blog with a poem as a useful hint of how to do the A to Z when you can’t think of a single word for certain letters. . . . .

A

Arrim, aroo, addus, aboo.

And filly the aardvark in the arcline agoo

While aplit and acca are appy abzeeeee

And fettle the arra

And smile at the Zombie

B

Barrim baroo baddus baboo

And filly the aardvark in the barcline bagoo

While baplit and bacca are bappy babzeeeeee

And fettle the barra

And smile at the Zombie

C

So clever

So clever

So clever are weeeeeeeee

But you can’t claim you’re an Aardvark

To a hungry Zombieeeeeeee

It will eat you and ruin a good poem

THE END

HAH HA HAH AH HAH AH HAH AH H AH H H HA HAH Ha ha ha ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Forty Aliens and a Funeral . . . . .

I know what you are all thinking, you are thinking OK then what happened to all those Toad People from the Planet Todimimiun 3, and it is a fair point, but little do you know just what a close call it was. Firstly the huge Aurora Borealis as predicted on Stargazing Live by Professor Brian Cox and his sidekick  Dara O Briain did not happen, so the main battle fleet fled. Then as we fought the few (about forty) fool hardy Toad People who attempted to invade in the early hours of the morning in the school canteen, with pointy sticks and Freddie’s Ferrets, Esmeralda threw a huge cauldron of tapioca pudding over their leader. Well it appears I am not the only one who thinks tapioca pudding looks like frogs spawn. And it was all too much for the alien Toad People who ran off screaming that we (that’s us humans) were a deranged barbaric life form that shows no respect to decent hard working amphibians bent on colonising the universe in order to improve the lot of slimy critters that live under rocks…..

They have threatened to attempt to invade again soon . . . . . Maybe not today . . . . . Maybe not tomorrow; but about the same time next year, so keep a look out for Stargazing Live on the BBC it is a dead certainty that the events are connected. . . . . I know their cunning plan.

  The other good news in all this is tapioca pudding is off the menu for a few weeks now . .

Early this morning the Ghost Writer ran off with our car again as his is still not working, although he has been told that all the parts have been ordered. He had an emergency call from his place of work where a rather strange IT problem had occurred. They said if they did not know any better they would be convinced that the main supervisors PC was full of toad slime and bits of frog; although as they said such a thing was madness. So the Ghost Writer told them a tale of IP conflicts and default gateways, which always makes folk sort of glaze over and think of things like seagulls and garden gnomes.

Then this afternoon we all went off to a funeral of someone who was one hundred and one. That is quite old and you can’t be sad if someone of one hundred and one dies quietly at home. There were loads of folk at the church and the fact I never sing at funerals and weddings was not noticed, so no one will ever know . . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN.

While there I also learnt of another local person who died and it now means that in that particular town almost all the strange and slightly eccentric folk that lived there from way back have died.  I am sure that the average number of eccentrics per 1000 head of population is decreasing, you really don’t get real eccentrics these days, they tend to be folk with money pretending to be eccentric; real eccentrics have a habit of keeping their heads down and just get on with being eccentric and modern society is not eccentric friendly (or amphibian friendly)……….

The Chemistry Class Halloween Experiment and the Storm Warning for Britain

Today in School the Chemistry teacher said we might do a jolly Halloween experiment seeing how it is not far off now. Anyway it did not go entirely to plan, although it was not entirely my fault the instructions were a bit confusing.

Put the blue powder in the green bottle into the green liquid in the yellow bowl before you add the yellow liquid in the blue bottle to the yellow bowl which now has a green liquid in it. Then add the yellow powder from the red bottle to the red bowl with the yellow liquid in it, this liquid will now turn black. Then mix the two bowls together by either putting the black liquid in the red bowl into the yellow bowl with the liquid that has now turned blue or the other way round. So you then end up with a red bowl with a brown liquid or a yellow bowl with a brown liquid; you then add the red crystals from the blue bottle and stand well clear because there will be a lot of red and blue smoke.

But the thing was myself, Esmeralda and Freddie were watching a spider and giggling and trying to work out if it was one of those man eating spiders that closed that school on the news the other day so we sort of got our colours a bit mixed up.

I will not go into details but I have drawn a picture with my new hairy claws and have been told I will be back to normal by Sunday . . . . . . DAMN I was hoping the effects would last to Halloween, anyway mum says she has no plans to fry worms and earwigs all weekend to keep me fed, has told me off for swimming in the pond chasing newts.

Oooooo yes while on the subject of news, I notice that the weather forecast for Sunday is well wild around here and a fair chunk of Britain, so time to batten down the hatches, I assume that means you need to tie your chickens to the ground, they hatch eggs and both chickens and eggs will blow away in what is said to be a possibly really scary storm…. TAKE TO THE HILLS  . . . No hang on hill may be a bad place to be, unless it floods as well. . . . Run in circles and flap a lot; circles, maybe that is what the aliens were warning us about yesterday.

Time to go and eat more worms YUM. 

Trusty Old Converse Trainers unwittingly saving Aliens and other stuff

I had my trusty old converse trainers on today in order to ensure safe passage through the day. However the headmaster reckoned as today was the last dry day for a while and I was wearing what he called a manky pair of old trainers I could cut the school playing fields. Well that was not fair I tried to explain that for a tiny period of time my old converse trainers were famous on the internet, well for about a week they were, but it was like water off a ducks back . . . . I am not sure about that old saying I spent ages chasing a duck once to get the water off its back and as far as I could tell it looked just like water.

Cutting the grass was hard work for both me and my footwear but it did come with its own rewards because while I was cutting the grass I saw a small but noisy aeroplane, well it sounded like a small plane but it was invisible and it circled overhead then headed off in a northerly direction.  I then saw two invisible Red Kites (the birds not the fabric device used by Professor Frankincense). When I say I saw these things I looked at where the noise came from but did not see them as they were invisible.

However after lunch where I had told Esmeralda, Freddie and his ferrets and the school Mascot (the goat) about the invisible things I took them off to show them to prove they were there and real, and I was surprised to find a crop circle or a grass circle. This means that the invisible small plane was in fact an alien spacecraft, probably one of the Venusian Battle cruises mentioned yesterday and it was having engine problems. And the Red Kites were in fact aliens from Venus (the planet not the tennis player) and they were saying thanks for sorting out a decent landing pad with nice short grass. 

We have been out to see Mr M again to make sure he is OK I was able to show that if you slide a walking stick up the side of someone's leg while they are wearing trousers and are a bit poorly, they are completely incapable of moving. Mr M is not eating all his food so I also balanced five oranges on the end of his walking stick; that was before I trapped him in bed with the leg trick. AH  . . . . . . DAMN I have a feeling I may have forgotten to remove the walking stick from the side of his leg before we left. I guess the nurses might notice.

Romantic fiction and its place in the modern school system..

I have been asked to rally the troops so to speak, as the headmaster says we are due and inspection by NASA or is it GCHQ or the RSPCA, well who ever does school inspections to assess how we are doing since we became an academy. There is talk of manipulation of figures and cooking the books by the government. This is not good, have you ever tried to eat a cooked book or even read it, it is extremely difficult particularly if boiled and someone tells you it is semolina pudding with pink icing. It is amazing just how much semolina the works of Barbara Cartland will produce, on the bright side though the school Library has no longer got a romantic fiction section.

Anyway back to the point, it appears that the Headmaster has also manipulated his statistics and has slightly lied about the number of pupils attending the school. So in order to rectify this we are going to make papier-mâché pupils to help with the pupil numbers. And just by luck the school semolina was rather unpopular seeing how it is a paper based pudding so we have estimated we can make at least 50 new pupils with it.

So we spent much of the day in the art class making robots, sorry I mean pupils out of  papier-mâché, well that was the plan; but it did not entirely go to plan. Esmeralda does not like the present school bus driver and has made a replacement one to replace him. I tried to explain it can’t drive but she reckons it will do a better job than the present one. It is not entirely his fault since pointy sticks became part of the school uniform some pupils say he might be a Zombie and are rather enthusiastic with their pointy sticks.

Freddie has spent the day making papier-mâché ferrets and we at least do have 25 new school ferrets although the headmaster says they don’t really count. Well that’s not true they can count to twenty three and a half without assistance (that’s the real ferrets not the papier-mâché ferrets).

I as a member of The Monty Cardboard Robot Club felt duty bound to do my duty and make a robot, so I did and although the headmaster said it was quite a good robot it was not going to convince the inspectors it was a pupil even if it did threaten to destroy them with its death ray and pointy stick.

Tomorrow we plan to work on plan B well I say we I mean the headmaster, he says our help was well intentioned but rubbish, personally I think it was the choice of book; romantic fiction has never really made good school pupils………. 

Rotation biased management in the working environment and the life story of a chicken

I have spent the day doing practical things such as drilling holes with a drill screwing screws in with a screw driver and sawing stuff to the right size, when I say the right size I really mean it is righter than it was before I attacked it with a saw but it is not exactly accurate. You see accurate is an abstract concept, as different things need a different degree of accuracy and I in general try to stick with things where I can go OOOOOOooooo that’s about right, after a wave of a finger and making a few Guesstimates with a pencil. Do you know that in nearly half a millions words of writing my diary that is the first time I have used the word Guesstimate (OK twice now).

While doing all this stuff with Esmeralda and Freddie and his ferret and various other pupils from our posh (well the facade at the front is posh) Academy (school to us normal chaps),   I noticed that most folk are right handed and a small percentage such as myself left handed, but I also noticed something else a result of using power tools with long cables, there is another factor it appears we are also either clockwise biased or anticlockwise biased. If two clockwise biased people use the same power tool the power cable will get all twisted up which is dead annoying but if an anticlockwise person works with a clockwise person the cable will not get twisted because there is no overall rotation of the tool or the cable. So the perfect working relationship for doing DIY would be left and a right handed people, who are also clockwise and anticlockwise biased. I think this discovery is highly important to the workplace; and my observation of rotation biased management in the working environment should win me a Nobel Prize for sure, well it better or someone will not be happy.

One small thing has come to mind over the 500,000 words or so I have so far written in my diary, I am not including comments and my responses to comments that would be just scary, is I have used loads of different words.  You see yet another one used tonight (Guesstimate) and I have used loads over time, much more than that William Shakespeare chap who surprisingly used fewer than most people suspect,  and he made a few up. I believe it is said he used 31 and a half words in total and wrote a total of just under 900,000  in total, so I have used loads more words than he did and done it all in just one diary…..   

If anyone is wondering why the picture is of the chicken tonight he has also written his whole life story in 31 and a half words……. When asked how he felt about his publication he said . . . . . . . He was just a self of his former shell . . . . . . HAH HAHAHHAH HAHAHH Hah hah ah hahah hahah ah hahah ha hah ahhaha hah ha hah ah ahhah hahah ha hah ah hah ha hah ahahah a  

Fly (Wasp) tipping and the Urban Environment on the longest day (NOT) of the year

What a hot day it was today very hot and sticky, but not sticky as in glue as used to fix tongue and grove cladding to walls, luckily we are still doing combined lessons at school and so today it was Art and Social Studies. I say Art, we were in fact repainting the walls of the outside of the school as part of the cunning economy drive while we discussed the Urban Environment and the implications of fly tipping. To me and Freddie the first and obvious implication of fly tipping is it would annoy the flies loads, but the teacher said that me and Freddie were in fact IDIOTS and that flies like fly tipping.

Myself and Freddie were far from convinced and had plans to do practical fly tipping experiments but flies proved to be rather agile, luckily while painting the grand façade we stumbled across a wasps nest so conducted an experiment on wasp tipping. And as me and Freddie anticipated proving our point quiet strongly the wasps were very annoyed indeed. But having proved our point the teacher said yet again that me and Freddie were in fact IDIOTS, however the teacher then ran off pursued by a large number of angry wasps but no flies.

Today is also the longest day of the year, well that is not entirely correct it is the day with the longest period of daylight during the day, well only in the Northern hemisphere. As for which day of the year really is the longest day that is complicated, because is the world slowing down or speeding up. I think it is slowing down so the longest day of the year will always be last day of the year due to the deceleration of the planet. A point I was planning to make to the Social Studies teacher but she was rather pre occupied at the time trying to outrun a swarm of wasps who by now were blaming the teacher for their nest being eaten by the school goat who having spent most of his life being annoyed by flies was fairly oblivious of the wasps.

Oooo yes although today was very hot I also tried an experiment at home to create rainbows as it was a good way to keep cool and I thought if I made small rainbows I might be able to find a small pot of gold at one end of it. Something which appears to be yet another urban myth.

One other small thing that rather amused me this morning on the radio was that Russia think (a few Russians that is) that folk deliberately don’t vote for them in the Eurovision Song Contest and it is why (OK one of the reasons) President Putin looked upset during the recent G8 summit, Sorry but try being Britain in the Eurovision Song Contest, yes I know the songs are also rubbish BUT…..     

Particle Physics and Poetry

I don’t mind a day of Particle Physics at school it is an easy way to pass the time as we scratch are heads and point at particles of various types, although Freddie reckons that ferrets can see antimatter, which is why they are such good hunters. Anyway there we were pottering about doing stuff with the atomic accelerator and a few particles that Esmeralda had found under a floorboard she had managed to remove in the interests of scientific research when the teacher decided to have a little change of subject to test our abilities in diverse rational functioning, something apparently we might have to do in the future at some point. So we had to write well known poetry from memory. Luckily we were working in groups so me, Freddie and Esmeralda worked together and I did a bit of a rush drawing for a poem that Esmeralda knew, well she said she knew but I think her and Freddie got a bit confused.

The Owlicat and the caterpillar went to sea

In a beautiful pea green boat

But the Owlicat squashed his mate

With the foot of a runcible goat.

And off in the distance far away

Where the Owlicat will get to soon

A little dog laughed because he saw

A cow jump over the Moon.

The End

The teacher said it was the worst poem he had ever read and was the work of IDIOTS but luckily our particle Physics might get us a Nobel Prize, Well it would have if Esmeralda had not set fire to our experiment in revenge for the teacher insulting her poetry. And Unfortunately Freddie says the ferrets are unlikely to help us again to recreate our particle experiment as they did not get any recognition for their part of the particle experiment involving antimatter.

Ooooo yes Miss I gave the Ghost Writer a present full of sea monsters today, he is very pleased but is unsure about what to feed the sea monsters, I will have to Google that or ask the chaps at GCHQ who are monitoring my diary………. (Any ideas Charles and Quentin).

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More Evidence of Aliens (good stuff this time)

I know what you all thinking . . . . . You are all thinking what a lovely day so it is just not possible that Rob Z Tobor and the slightly eclectic group of misfits plus the odd ferret that represent his class in the grand cyber academy; his place of education, could accidently run into Aliens. Well you see even on a lovely day like today there are some things you just cant assume, and one of them is that while on the annual compulsory orienteering race that the geography teacher insists we all do on particularly sunny days (while he sits in the sun at the finish) Freddie and his ferrets will not stumble over alien remains, so they did… WELL COOL. We carried the alien remains back to the school although it was harder than we thought as Mr Jones kept trying to steal them and said it was unfair as he was the one who had spent years in the woods running about in the nude trying to communicate with strange beings.

At school the headmaster said the remains smelt and would not allow them into the school, I think it might have been Freddie’s Ferrets that smelt a bit, it has been a very hot day and they were eating curry and beans last night (a ferret favourite so I am told).  Anyway I have photographed the evidence so that you can see this is all bona fide evidence of alien activity on Earth, and I have even drawn the missing bits to give you an idea of what it may have looked like.

 In other news back home we have discovered a mysterious path that leads to another path which then leads to another path with then leads back to the first mysterious path. These secret paths were hidden by the three bishops who I chopped up the other day.

And there was also a curved digital message in the field next door from the aliens when I returned home, a clincher of their existence if ever there was one. The message according to Mr Jones said :-

Please return the remains of our comrade Stron G Armkneel (sounds Scandinavian to me), the first alien to step foot on Earth and who sadly was unable to return to our planet. And foolishly  went native breeding with ape like creatures, despite being warned it was a bad move and it would all end in tears two million years later……………..

Anyway I am not sure how to tell them Freddie’s Ferrets sort of ate the remains as they were a bit peckish after the annual compulsory orienteering race, I think we can safely blame the geography teacher, it was all his fault.      

Pizza Slice, The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, Aliens and Elsewhere

I have not achieved a great deal today, it has been that sort of day I looked at a little job involving some tongue and groove panelling but did not have the things I needed, so sort of waved the various bits about shook my head a lot pointed and said OOOOO sorry madam it needs a new thermitechnic screw adjuster like all good plumbers and then said I would be back two weeks next Thursday. However mum said I was not a plumber I was an IDIOT and sent me out to do things elsewhere, but I knew where here was and I knew where there was but I could not find elsewhere. Despite asking everyone I ran into (I say ran into I was walking and did not make any physical contact) such as the Banshees and the Lemmings of Petrograd, who were playing leap frog ( Lemmings, leap frog . . . . .HAH HAHAHHAHAHH HAH ha hah ah hah ah ahahhah ha ha ha) a few Zombies, a few Cows, a Raven, The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, Mr Jones, Esmeralda and Freddie who have formed a new group called ‘Watching Alien Invasion Tactics’ or WAIT for short. Apparently Mr Jones often chases aliens through the woods shouting WAIT  . . . . . . take me to your leader.

Hang on what was I saying  . . . . . . AH YES elsewhere; when I asked everyone I was looking for elsewhere they would generally scratch their heads ask if I meant here and when I said no they would suggest over there but I was not looking for there I was looking for elsewhere. I spent a lot of time doing that until I worked out I had been here there and everywhere, although not elsewhere. You can see how a chaps day can vanish like sand through the fingers of a little old ladies hand when perusing such a task, strangely it is the sort of task us chaps will do for hours and women tend not too even for five minutes, although I don’t know why?

In other news I noticed on the news that a man who I believe was a captain of Star Trek although not Captain Kirk (the real captain) was going on about never eating a pizza slice before even though he is now seventy, although he has eaten pizza. Now call me an IDIOT but me and the Ghost Writer who is well old, are well confused what is a pizza slice if it is not a pizza, If either of use go out a restaurant and order a pizza we want the whole thing not a bit of it.  As I say the poor old Ghost Writer (note the word OLD) and I don’t understand what they were talking about.

Oooo I was a bit rushed for a picture tonight so I photographed my dinner (I know it is a bit healthy looking) and it is not pizza. 

Cyberblogamus the Micro God of Blogs

The Weather today is cold, sometimes a bit sunny with some hail and rain. So not a great day really as it feels I have time warped back to February. I am in the process of creating and establishing a series of Micro Gods in the school grounds to get feedback as to the viability of making my fortune as the Mr Big of Micro Gods. My attempted meeting with the powers that be in Lego started badly when they saw me went AAAAuugggHHHH a lot and threw bricks at me (luckily they were Lego bricks) . It ended badly as well, as the chairman’s desk which I swear was a bit wobbly before I touched it fell apart and then the chairman’s arm fell off, I always thought Meccano was much better using nuts and bolts, lets face it Frankenstein’s Monster was held together with bolts and his arm never fell off. Just image if  Frankenstein’s Monster had been made with Lego, poor old Professor Frankenstein would have been a laughing stock.

Sorry a slight distraction, I have made the school mascot, the goat the Micro God of unsociable animals, Freddie the Micro God of Ferrets and Esmeralda the Micro God of part Steam Powered scary girls with chainsaw attachments. They all seem very pleased but the goat is demanding a shrine and offerings, in particular chocolate chip cookies and ice cream plus fresh vegetables from the out of town supermarket, maybe living Micro Gods is not such a good move.

We are off out tonight to a talk in Monty town hall about artists from the area and to see one of the founders of the 56 Group; a group of artists formed in 1956 and who are now starting to be collected nationally. We are hoping Mr M E will have a signed copy of his book for us tonight so that will be WELL COOL.  We have a couple of his pictures in the house and have known him for quite a long time now, he is getting rather frail these days but then he is one of the founder members of the 56 Group, so mathematically that makes a lot of sense.

And I have drawn Cyberblogamus the Micro God of Blogs in order to bring good luck and fortune to my blog, although someone said that very nice Steven Spielberg is not keen on snakes . . . . . . . .  DAMN . . . . . . Maybe I should make it look more horse like.   

Elvis, Zombies and a Ferret in a shopping centre (Part 2)

It was 3 degrees C again today, I mention this now because it has been this temperature for almost a year now (OK I know, but it feels like it has), right back to today, and it has happened again today, it has been quiet. The school survey at the shopping centre was far more successful than last time when there was a bit of a stampede when some of the school pupils, I think sort of got confused with Zombies and Freddie’s ferrets went walkabout. I can hear newish readers of my diary thinking when did that happen and to tell the truth I can’t remember it was a long time ago. If you are watching the block buster movie made by that nice Steven Spielberg and it has not happened yet then rest assured I will have complained loads that he has cut out another good bit, just because the film was 15 hours long.  I know that seems like a long time but that Lords of the Rings trilogy is long and nothing actually happens in that, where as loads happens in my film . . . .  the film of me, I mean (films).

Anyway there we were in the shopping centre today going down in the lift (me Freddie and his Ferret) when someone hits the alarm, and it was not me Freddie or his ferret, but everyone on the lift looked at me that is not fair. Then when we get out a woman with a pram, who was in the lift and who pressed the alarm runs off shouting LOOK OUT ITS HIM AGAIN., I don’t know who she was referring too because me and Freddie saw no one except a load of shoppers. And then when we approached the shoppers to do our survey they kept hiding in the toilets or running into Pound Land   and similar places where Freddie and I will not venture into anymore as they are frequented by strangely mad gangs of little old ladies who Freddie thinks are the Zombies Grannies. I agree with that; after all Zombies must have grannies too, well most of them, I know the Steam Powered Zombies that dad makes don’t have grannies unless you include dad and he objects to being called Granny even by a Zombie.

The result of this was after several hours Freddie and I had only surveyed one person, I say person it was Freddie’s ferret and it said it was too busy really to do a survey, so sort of ate most of the answer sheet, and then signed it Elvis Presley so when the teacher queried it Freddie had to explain it was not really Elvis but a ferret and we got a zero percent mark.

DAMN I was hoping to write something about science today and now look what happened, but it just goes to show you should never put Elvis Presley and a ferret in a shopping centre at the same time. Mum has just said IDIOT, not sure if she means me Elvis or the ferret. 

Apparently 15% of all shoppers hate escalators and 2% think seagulls should not be allowed in shoe shops . . . . . . . and one hundred percent of both might be Elvis.  

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Fifteen ferrets a chainsaw and a zombie and a shopping centre..

We are all starting to go down with a cold at home so there is much groaning that means we sound like zombies which is cool, we are walking a bit like zombies too which is sort of OK but I am not feeling well enough to make the most of my present natural zombie state which is not so good.

At school . . . . . . I still have to go and do stuff until the cold becomes full in your face Man Flu then I will be allowed to lie and groan from the confines of my bed, as us men need to do when Man Flu is at its worst. But for now as I said I am off doing stuff, but in a zombie sort of way.

The Humanities teacher took us all to Shrewsbury today to do a survey on the shopping habits of the average shopper when under the stress of the impending shopping Armageddon know to all in the Western world as Christmas.

I was teamed up with Freddie and Esmeralda for the survey mainly because me and Freddie can control Esmeralda a bit and stop her trying to drill holes in the heads of shoppers refusing to do our survey. However I have a cold and was being confused for a zombie, Esmeralda was waving her new interchangeable clip on chainsaw attachment at shoppers and Freddie had brought fifteen ferrets with him that were a bit frisky and were leaping about all over the place.

So it turned out that shoppers were trying to avoid us, to get round this we tried to get them cornered by deactivating the lifts in the shopping centre and using Freddie’s ferrets as sheep dogs (only rounding up unsuspecting shoppers). If only Freddie’s ferrets had been a little less enthusiastic, but I think the smell of that Marks and Spencer’s Christmas cake was the point that they sort of got carried away. Then Esmeralda with her chainsaw attachment at full throttle trying to sharpen her pencil resulting in her cutting a jar of raspberry jam in half which sprayed bright red jam all over the walls, started the riot. It appears the public thought that the raspberry jam was blood and that the ferrets were then eating the blood, and that there was a zombie staggering about covered in blood (raspberry jam) that was in turn being eaten by man eating ferrets (they were just licking the jam off me). Esmeralda was determined that someone was going to answer questions so was chasing the crowd through the centre but the jam had jammed (jam had jammed HAHH HAHAHHAHh hahah hahha hah hhah hah ha) her new interchangeable clip on chainsaw attachment at full throttle so it was very noisy and I was unable to chase her to get her to stop screaming exterminate exterminate exterminate at shoppers.

Unknown to Esmeralda, myself, Freddie or his ferrets, just round the corner at the exit of the shopping centre was the rest of the school group and the humanities teacher who were having much more luck with the survey. Well right up to the point when at least two thousand demented shoppers bust though the automatic doors slipping on the floor by the sign saying beware slippery floor. It was at that point that they got a little trampled on and lost the grip of their survey results which then drifted in the wind towards the river.

The Humanities teacher told the headmaster that the shoppers were out of control and that Christmas shopping is no place for sane rational people and she plans to do all her shopping online and has sent a letter to parents advising them to do the same. Me, Esmeralda and Freddie are keeping quiet particularly as the raspberry jam ruined all the CCTV coverage. So as long as the story does not appear on the internet we are home and dry . . . . . . . . . AH ……. DAMN. Mum has just said IDIOT

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The pirates ships of Treasure Island, Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub and a ferret

Today has been wet dark and cold, it appears that the UK is slowly vanishing under water with terrible floods and the like, I had to explain to several teachers that my homework was ruined when I had to leap into a puddle to save a distressed seagull who was confused and thought he was somewhere in the middle of the North Sea. To tell the truth it is very easy to make that sort of mistake at present as there is a lot of water about and it is still raining very heavily even as I type.

Anyway with all the rain and cold and dark everyone was sulking and sailing paper boats up and down the school corridors. Treasure Island makes very good pirate ships although it needs to be one of the very very rare first editions signed by Blind Pugh from the crew who if I remember correctly were Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub., luckily the school library had a first edition of Treasure Island  . . . . . . . Har Har Har Har Hardy Har so my pirate ships were able to attack the fleet of the Russian navy made from War and Piece. It was a modern edition of War and piece so the paper was rubbish. Although Esmeralda’s U boats made from Under Milkwood were rather difficult to destroy but luckily Freddie’s ferret thought they were fish and ate them, leaving the pirates ships to blockade the doorway to the headmaster’s office. However the headmaster refused to pay the ransom and made me mop the deck (sorry I mean mop the desk).

 Oooooo yes the Ghost Writer hid today saying it was too wet for IT.

And myself and my djembe colleague have been playing The Song of the Sun God in an attempt to stop the rain, so with luck in the morning it will not be raining and the sun will come out.  

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