Scotland, a Goat, a Greek Restaurant and some very expensive Fuel

(50 ...)

Hello  . . . . . Yes I have returned after a short-ish break. You see I was in Scotland having a holiday in Dumfries and Galloway near Kirkcudbright. My timing was rather good because back here at home it turned out to be one of the wettest places in Britain and where I was, was one of the driest. In fact except for one very wild thunderstorm with huge hail stones it was dry during the day, every day we were there

Now I did not do a great deal, but I did make a Goat. It was not one of my own creations but one of Paul Spooner’s from his book Spooner’s Moving Animals. I have had this book since about 1989 and thought I really need to make some of these things. So I made the Goat ... I should have done more but I was on Holiday and our lodge was surrounded by hares, seagulls, a deer and men on golf buggies. So I was regularly distracted and also spent a lot of time on a nearby beach picking up tiny bits of driftwood to make something with when the workshop gets finished. There is nothing worse than an active mind full of more ideas than a body can shake a stick at.

There is a great Greek restaurant in Castle Douglas and I stuffed myself silly a couple of times during our week away . . . . . . Yum. It is worth a visit although he does not accept plastic and is a cash only sort of chap. So be prepared but it is worth every penny and more. I also bought some bowls, I would have bought more artwork but we have more art than wall space these days so a couple of really nice bowls to eat breakfast or ice cream in was a good option.

OOoooooo finally I drove up and back in the big beast that likes fuel but Tebay services must be one of the most expensive places to buy fuel in Britain. Actually the trip up was terrible it rained until we got 10 mile from our destination and we saw 2-3 crashes on route so it took much longer than normal and I was knackered when we got there.

And yes the Chicken did come with us.

As he is inclined to do at times 

The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter F

   

A rather bizarre, slightly odd and somewhat rambling trip through an A to Z of Plans. . . . . Sort Of

F

Now what sort of Plan could possibly fit nicely into the Alphabet here? Well of course there is realistically only one option and that is the F Plan. Yes you all know the one the Plan that involves eating masses of Fibre, Fish, Flamingos, Frogs, Figs and maybe the occasional Deep Fried Furry Critter.

Actually I have been informed that I may have got that slightly wrong and some of those things are in fact not part of the F Plan. Well that is not what the local takeaway told me at the time, they insisted that a nice Battered Flamingo was very much in vogue in the ever changing world of diets. Well they used to say that before they were closed down, apparently Panda Kababs are not entirely legal.

Yes I do go to bed with a glass of Milk Every Night

And Bedrooms should be Interesting.

Scottish Independence . . Latest Poll (sorry pole) points to a surprise.

I was looking at the BBC News on the internet catching up with the world news and stuff and just happen to notice that it appears if Scotland becomes independent it will move the geographic centre (the balancing point) of the UK to just a few miles away. Well when I say a few I mean about 30-ish miles, well that is quite exciting, sort of, and it would be really good to be the middle of something. So I would like to propose that maybe the rest of the UK could give Scotland just enough of Northern England to make my house the exact centre.  I would then be able to erect a thing on a long pole with pointy bits that pointed at all the places around the UK saying things like the sea 200 miles or London 200 miles or Manchester 200 miles or Scotland 200 Miles or even France 200 miles or the USA 200 miles.  You will notice that everything would be exactly the same distance away, but that is one of the really cool things about being exactly in the middle of everything. Everything is exactly the same distance from you or you can’t be in the middle.

It is a little know fact that ancient man built Stonehenge in order that they would know where the middle was, it is why many stone circles are round as finding the middle of a round thing is far easier as the accent Britain’s did not have GPS or theodolites and survey equipment, they were far more dependant on the instincts of goats.

Anyway I would like to pledge right now that in the event of a YES vote for Scottish Independence and a small concession where the rest of the UK hand over a bit of the North of England, (A goodwill gesture). That I Rob Z Tobor will build a big tall pointy pole thing to point at places and let folk know everywhere is 200 miles away.  As always it is good to find the Middle Ground (the Balancing Point) as defined by the trained goats of the Ancient Britain’s. 

Proof of the eccentricity of life in the Country and therefore Alien life by default

I was pondering about what to write about as life ticks by in an almost normal fashion at present. This is good but also rather bad as the very nice Steven Spielberg is hardly likely to rush to the rolling hills of Shropshire to make the film of ordinary life in the county even if we have a few Zombies roaming about and Aliens in the woods pursued by Mr Jones in the nude who is in turn pursued by the police as folk complain that Mr Jones is in the woods naked again.  And then there are the Lemmings of Petrograd, The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, Esmeralda catapulting the goat in the general direction of the out of town supermarket, Freddie teaching his ferrets to do tricks, and the odd Banshee at night.

So you can see it is hard to find new and interesting stuff to write about although I did think I saw an Alien at the Commonwealth Games last night on the TV running in a race, but he did not really do very well so that can't be right. Unless a virus has afflicted the aliens and they are suffering like they did in the film the War of the Worlds (the old film not the newer rubbish one)

Anyway as I was saying I was pondering that there was nothing to write about when an advert in the local County Times came to my rescue, it is good when stuff like this happens because it shows that I don’t make this stuff up it all really happens out here in the sticks.  You see tomorrow is Tough Harry’s Fun Day in Churchstoke and they have all sorts of things going on, but one particular item caught my eye (no not like catching a ball).

Yes its true there will be DANCING SHEEP. . . . . .WHAT? . . . . . .  I have not seen dancing sheep before and until now did not know that sheep danced. I have no plans to go and see the dancing sheep I am just satisfied that just for once I have hard evidence of the bizarre events of life here, and besides I have a horrible feeling I might just end up disappointed if I go. . . . . . .. . . .

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The Problems of Writing a Modern Diary

So here we are again another day in the life of the diary of Rob Z Tobor which has been ticking along now since 15^th August 2010 (the diary not me). I know it’s a long long long time and if you have been reading it for all that time you will probably say it seems much much longer, as you plough through page after page after page of stuff.

Of course diaries are not what they were back in the old days when Samuel Pepys could write about things such as Plague, pestilence, the burning down of London, royals being beheaded. Chaps discovering places such as America or the fabled North West Passage around the Isle of White or small islands full of unknown tribes to wipe-out and steal all their stuff such as the Isle of White.

These days we are left with Mr Jones running about naked attempting to communicate with Aliens in the Woods, Zombies being attacked by little old ladies for sitting on the wrong seat on the bus, Androids and Vampires playing football as they hunt for The Holy Grail. A goat getting catapulted into the local supermarket on a regular basis, a faulty Weather Machine and a grumpy Ghost Writer. Quite frankly it is no wonder the very nice Steven Spielberg has no interest in making the film of the book of the blog diary of Rob Z Tobor.

So I feel I need to find things more suitable to write about that will make Mr Spielberg sit up and take notice, something where he will say . . . . . Hang ON I haven’t done a film about that before. . . . .

So what did I do today . . . I cut grass . . . . DAMN that’s not a good start is it, although some of it was quite long grass?  

Mr Jones is a bit disappointed today as it turns out the Lizard Men of Titan are in fact Lizards and their spacecraft an old copper hot water tank, (still an easy mistake to make).

2014 Brazil World Cup ( Football latest) . . . New Plot Exposed

Who would have believed it, just a couple of weeks ago the world was looking forward to a friendly competition among nations where everyone was equal and it was down to the skill and tactics of the various teams to do their best in a game of two halves. Then we had the shock that certain teams were playing Androids to enhance their chances of winning. This news was closely followed by the news that those countries without the technical know how to build fancy Androids were playing members of the Undead such as Vampires and other creatures of fiction. But despite all the headlines the public gritted their teeth and continued to support their favourite team, football is a bit like that folk follow teams despite almost everything.

Then it was discovered that behind the scenes the Androids of the Knights Templar are convinced that the World Cup is in fact The Holy Grail and are plotting to steal it and return it to its rightful place (A secret cavern deep underground I suspect). Adding to the ever growing complexity of the story it turns out an evil genius is controlling many of the Androids on the pitch, replacing the entire team of the Netherlands in order to get hold of the World Cup before the Androids of the Knights Templar, yes the Netherlands are programmed to win. (I hope you are still with this, the plot is going to get even more complex) This evil genius (me) will then use the World Cup (The Holy Grail) to rule the world.

However all has not gone to plan, my own plans got accidently leaked early and some of the Androids are not playing as well as expected, but it appears that there is yet another force attempting to influence the outcome of the 2014 Brazil World Cup.  It has been revealed in the last twenty four hours or so that Cameroon are using Voodoo to manipulate games. The famous Ma-Ginti Tribe of the Cameroon are using their powerful High Priests, the fabled Goat Men of the Ma Ginti to put spells on players, teams and even Evil Genius’s to ruin things in what is said to be a huge gambling scam.

This World Cup is getting more complex than a Raymond Chandler thriller, how is an Evil Genius meant to deal with both the Androids of the Knights Templar and Goat men performing Voodoo and singing their terrible songs.

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The origins of old traditions, Goat murmuring, Charles 1st and a Large Cat.

We all wonder stuff, particularly when it is very very hot again today and our minds have melted slightly and are dripping out of our ears making our thoughts mushy as well as making passers by shout Oooo look YUCK.  So I thought to myself today, well to tell the truth I thought to myself about five minutes ago because I was thinking what will I write tonight.  Yes I thought where do all these strange old traditions come from that folk do, like the old Shropshire tradition of Goat Murmuring on the first Sunday of August where folk gather in the local tavern or hotel and murmur away to entice the local goats in. 

Lets face it, it is all very well with its strange rules and instant disqualification for using trails of peanuts, crisps or beer and everyone singing long into the night as they parade the goat proudly aloft if they have succeeded in the quest, in its gilded goat throne. But it is not the sort of thing you sit about thinking I bored today lets try Goat Murmuring. It takes years for such things to take hold and become a part of the local tradition, so that folk turn up from all over the world to take part.

Some say this particular tradition is from the days of Charles 1^st, when he was being hunted down by the parliamentarians and he found himself cornered in Ye Olde Pig and Trolley Inn . . . . . (full English Breakfast available all day). They say that the sharp thinking inn keeper had an old goat skin behind the counter and dressed the King up as a goat.  The Curious but slightly stupid parliamentarians questioned the inn keeper who explained he was practicing his murmuring for the annual Goat murmuring competition. The King joining in by butting the parliamentarians and becoming docile and friendly when the inn keeper started to murmur.

That’s all well and good but traditions like that just can not get going these days, lets face it the old tradition of throwing grannies off the bus is not quite the same. Particularly as it happens every Friday night rather than once a year.

Ooooooo while I was away I saw a huge cat called Ben he was really huge, but rubbish at Cat murmuring and never caught a Dolphin.              

N is for Nonsense, Newts and the Northwest Passage (a history lesson about Great British explorers)

A tale of a Great British explorer, and What makes us Brits Great.

Many Moons ago . . . . . .

Captain Nigel Nash had long planned to sail his ship the Nautilus to Nepal in his search for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway. Then luckily for him one of the New Nouveau riche, a Naturalist called Sir Napier Winky Knapsack. . . (The inventor of the Knapsack) heard of his plans.  Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said he was prepared to finance the intrepid journey, but he wanted to search for the famous and incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newt (no not like nodding dogs in your car).

The journey was long and fraught with numerous nasty obstacles along the way of which we will not talk now, or we will be here till the cows came home (a silly saying, as they come home every day)…. 

As they sailed into Nepal much to the surprise of almost everyone not the least of which is my geography teacher? They cheered and set about organising the long trek into the mountains to hunt for the incredibly rare Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newts which are blind and live in caves. This proved difficult as there was talk of a tribe of cannibals called the Nip Nip tribe. However the good news was the the Nip Nip tribe hated the unnatural and in their opinion Chemical laden Nasty Junk Food of Western man, so all that was needed was a bottle of Cola  and a Big Mac in a polystyrene carton about your person and they would see you as contaminated meat, and not fit for human consumption.

With the help of the much friendlier Nap Nap tribe they set off up into the mountains. It was an uneventful trip full of snow,  Yeti’s, crevasses, rock slides and angry mountain goats, a few deaths and the amputation of several fingers and toes.  But they reached their destination unscathed (well a bit unscathed). . . . . . As they surveyed the scene they were surrounded by the famous Nip Nip tribe, but Captain Nigel Nash and his men waved Big Macs and bottles of cola, taking big swigs and burping loudly. The Nip Nip looked appalled and were about to leave when the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack asked a Nap Nap translator to give the Nip Nip the following message. . . . . . .

I am a Naturalist called Sir Napier Winky Knapsack I am looking for the very rare Blind Nepalese Nocturnal Nodding Newt that lives in the caves. I wish to return to Britain with many Breeding pairs to save the species for mankind. Can you help me meet some

However the Nap Nap sort of got the translation wrong and what the cannibals of the Nip Nip tribe thought Sir Napier Winky Knapsack said was the following

I am Sir Napier Winky Knapsack, Completely organic; I have lived in the caves of Britain eating Pears and Bread and the occasional newt. I have spent all my life on a natural diet. I would like to come with you so you can eat some of me.

Of course the Nip Nip tribe were very pleased and cheered and led Sir Napier Winky Knapsack up into the high mountains and he was never seen again.  Captain Nigel Nash waited a few days but the crew ran out of coke and burgers and so returned to their ship to continue the hunt for the fabled Northwest Passage to Norway, which they never found although they did discover NotFound Land.

On their return to Britain many folk asked Captain Nigel Nash about the Naturalist Sir Napier Winky Knapsack, which after a time started to annoy him and so he took to telling folk. . . . . . . . . Well a nod is as good as a winky to a blind Newt

Computers, Hat Stands and Chaos Theory

The Ghost Writer has been in his grey office today looking at three new computers, he does not really like new computers because he is old and confused, slow and full of dents which means he has a natural affinity with old computers as they too are generally confused, slow and full of dents. He has also noticed that the company that he buys all the computers from have a habit of phoning him up and being all chirpy saying they will help. Now you might think that is very helpful and kind, but it is apparently rather irritating to log onto a site only to have a nice man phone you up fifteen seconds later, smiling (the Ghost Writer is assuming he is smiling) and offering to help.  It is like going into a large shop full of exciting and interesting stuff only to have someone sneak up behind you before you have even had a chance to look at the first thing rubbing his hands and saying OOOOOooooo yes sir this is a lovely Victorian Lemur hat stand and then saying things like Well yes sir the lemur is a BIT MOTH eaten but it’s eyes do follow you round the room….  As it happens a hat stand that has eyes that follow you round a room is not a strong selling point, nor is, I suspect is a group of Manky Stuffed Juggling Lemurs with a lingering look suggesting they may wish to hold your hat . . . .(or return to the jungle)

As many of you know the School Mascot is The Goat, which enjoys nothing more that being catapulted into the out of town supermarket for a bit of a run about in the fresh veggies before it escapes one way or another and returns to school well fed and perky after an exciting trip out.  However over the last couple of years many of you have been sceptical that a goat once catapulted in through the skylight of a huge supermarket could evade capture, escape and return back to the school without arousing suspicion. Well while listening to the wireless this morning I heard an article that stated Goats have been found to be far more intelligent that first thought. This I feel shows the world of Knowledge, Wisdom and Science that it needs to buck its ideas up pronto and read my blog more, the sooner the nice Mr Steven Spielberg makes the block buster movie the better for mankind is what I would say, well I would if it was not for the fact I am rather a modest genius who likes to keep his light under a bushel (I know it’s the English language, it is full of silly sayings).

I have also discovered that introducing a large lizard as a random element while working on the mathematics of Chaos Theories in the maths class causes chaos. The mathematics teacher did say that as a practical example of how The Chaos Theory works it was extremely good, but as an aid to a theoretic discussion of the mathematical principles involved in Chaos Theory it was rubbish, and a large group of screaming girls has fused his hearing aid.    

Trusty Old Converse Trainers unwittingly saving Aliens and other stuff

I had my trusty old converse trainers on today in order to ensure safe passage through the day. However the headmaster reckoned as today was the last dry day for a while and I was wearing what he called a manky pair of old trainers I could cut the school playing fields. Well that was not fair I tried to explain that for a tiny period of time my old converse trainers were famous on the internet, well for about a week they were, but it was like water off a ducks back . . . . I am not sure about that old saying I spent ages chasing a duck once to get the water off its back and as far as I could tell it looked just like water.

Cutting the grass was hard work for both me and my footwear but it did come with its own rewards because while I was cutting the grass I saw a small but noisy aeroplane, well it sounded like a small plane but it was invisible and it circled overhead then headed off in a northerly direction.  I then saw two invisible Red Kites (the birds not the fabric device used by Professor Frankincense). When I say I saw these things I looked at where the noise came from but did not see them as they were invisible.

However after lunch where I had told Esmeralda, Freddie and his ferrets and the school Mascot (the goat) about the invisible things I took them off to show them to prove they were there and real, and I was surprised to find a crop circle or a grass circle. This means that the invisible small plane was in fact an alien spacecraft, probably one of the Venusian Battle cruises mentioned yesterday and it was having engine problems. And the Red Kites were in fact aliens from Venus (the planet not the tennis player) and they were saying thanks for sorting out a decent landing pad with nice short grass. 

We have been out to see Mr M again to make sure he is OK I was able to show that if you slide a walking stick up the side of someone's leg while they are wearing trousers and are a bit poorly, they are completely incapable of moving. Mr M is not eating all his food so I also balanced five oranges on the end of his walking stick; that was before I trapped him in bed with the leg trick. AH  . . . . . . DAMN I have a feeling I may have forgotten to remove the walking stick from the side of his leg before we left. I guess the nurses might notice.

Cyberblogamus the Micro God of Blogs

The Weather today is cold, sometimes a bit sunny with some hail and rain. So not a great day really as it feels I have time warped back to February. I am in the process of creating and establishing a series of Micro Gods in the school grounds to get feedback as to the viability of making my fortune as the Mr Big of Micro Gods. My attempted meeting with the powers that be in Lego started badly when they saw me went AAAAuugggHHHH a lot and threw bricks at me (luckily they were Lego bricks) . It ended badly as well, as the chairman’s desk which I swear was a bit wobbly before I touched it fell apart and then the chairman’s arm fell off, I always thought Meccano was much better using nuts and bolts, lets face it Frankenstein’s Monster was held together with bolts and his arm never fell off. Just image if  Frankenstein’s Monster had been made with Lego, poor old Professor Frankenstein would have been a laughing stock.

Sorry a slight distraction, I have made the school mascot, the goat the Micro God of unsociable animals, Freddie the Micro God of Ferrets and Esmeralda the Micro God of part Steam Powered scary girls with chainsaw attachments. They all seem very pleased but the goat is demanding a shrine and offerings, in particular chocolate chip cookies and ice cream plus fresh vegetables from the out of town supermarket, maybe living Micro Gods is not such a good move.

We are off out tonight to a talk in Monty town hall about artists from the area and to see one of the founders of the 56 Group; a group of artists formed in 1956 and who are now starting to be collected nationally. We are hoping Mr M E will have a signed copy of his book for us tonight so that will be WELL COOL.  We have a couple of his pictures in the house and have known him for quite a long time now, he is getting rather frail these days but then he is one of the founder members of the 56 Group, so mathematically that makes a lot of sense.

And I have drawn Cyberblogamus the Micro God of Blogs in order to bring good luck and fortune to my blog, although someone said that very nice Steven Spielberg is not keen on snakes . . . . . . . .  DAMN . . . . . . Maybe I should make it look more horse like.   

Important unknown facts about rain and a faulty weather machine

It has returned to winter again and it is not the weather machine at fault either because it has a fault and is not working. It seems that the rotten weather is entirely natural today in fact dad insists that today is normal and that unless he fixes the weather machine and turns it on again then this weather will last for at least another few weeks or maybe longer. Well that is extremely bad news. I don’t mind the wet so much but when it is wet and cold it is very hard to remain motivated, and bouncy. 

It appears even Esmeralda and the school goat have started to be effected by the weather now as they tried to use the steam powered catapult to enter the local botanical greenhouse gardens through the open skylight. Bearing in mind that the sky lights are temperature controlled, so on a day like today were well and truly closed.

They are both OK though because as everyone knows Esmeralda is bionic so most of her is mechanical and fairly robust and those bits of her that are real are also fairly robust. And the goat of course is a goat and as we all know goats are fairly indestructible beasts, well certainly in cyberspace they are.

Apparently if you laid every rain drop that fell in a year end to end they would stretch round the Earth  1293 times and weight more that the entire weight of every bath in the world which if laid end to end  would take a long time to fill up unless you could get the rain to only fall in baths but the water would be very cold on days like today so no one would use baths and have showers instead, which is a bit like standing in the rain only warmer (no one likes a cold shower).

The Maths teacher has worked out that the surface area of all the rain in the air at any one time in the world is at least five times the surface area of the earth. Although he has had to assume the earth has a perfectly flat surface with no bump, hills or grains of sand or waves at sea and the like. If you take into account every surface at a molecular level then the surface of the Earth is greater than that of the universe, assuming the universe is smooth.

I might go now and hide from the rain in the bath, if I lie end to end in the bath my feet stick out the top but no rain can fall on me.

The loss of Wit, and tales of unimportance

As the slightly eccentric child of cyberspace, writing a theme based diary everyday has its ups and downs, not helped by the Ghost Writer being tired and messing about in the sun shouting Ya Sucks Bo at me.  I try to keep things witty and amusing and vaguely factual but I may be running out of wit, and I am still not  half way through my diary yet as the plan was to reach one million words and here I am floundering at a mere 400 thousand, this is terrible.

On top of this I have responsibilities as head boy at our rather trendy Academy, I say trendy but for new followers the school is actually the old concrete block grey school from the good old days when it was a comprehensive school but it has a new fancy aluminium facade., and the headmaster bought a new suit to replace his trusty early 1962 Harris tweed which is guaranteed for at least 60 years of hard use. 

And I have had issues to resolve today as Esmeralda, and for new readers Esmeralda is part bionic these days when the school mascot, the school goat ate bits of her when she fell. It’s all a long story much like my diary. . . . . . Ok yes Esmeralda and the goat have fallen out again, it appears she has decided that it is easier to catapult the goat into the large DIY store as it causes less agro, apparently the manager has had words with her parents. The goat on the other hand is having a sit down protest as it wants to be catapulted into the out of town supermarket where it can find a large array of fresh vegetables and fruit including things that are out of season. Talking of which, why is it that out of season Strawberries look good but taste rubbish, I have no plans to linger on this point it is merely observation.

I did solve the Esmeralda, goat issue by suggesting that on days with a P in the goat can be catapulted into the supermarket and on non P days it’s the hardware store. Luckily the goat is rubbish at spelling so it will take him time to work out something is wrong.

Now I do realise new followers to my diary may be thinking Goats ?????? Esmeralda ?????????  Seagulls ?????????  . . . . . . But they are all well documented so I would advice waiting until that nice Steven Spielberg makes the first movie of the series and then all will be revealed. Meanwhile I need to go and hunt wits to replace my lost wit. I am a chap of No wit or as mum insist on describing it an IDIOT.

Have you ever wondered why sand is attracted to sandwiches, I wonder if the gravitational pull of a sandwich is greater than that of the Earth on sand particles of a certain size.     

The goat, the caterpillar and the ferret

I think we have reached a crossroads in the weather (I hope so anyway) because although today is not great, it is damp and grey it is not icy cold so Yaaaaaaaay.  It also appears that a temporary solution to the deep dark cold muddy hole is also working OK so although more work is to be done there is no longer any stress involved and I am allowed to go to bed with supper at normal times, so Yaaaaaaaaaay (again). We are also all off to BigBills Greasy Fur Ball Café tonight for a meal . . . Yaaaaaaaaaay (some more); I might even make enquires as to whether the fish and chips is available as it is the best fish and chips in the world. The last fish and chips I had out was not the best fish and chips in the world, you see this is a problem if you eat out in a place that does the best fish and chips in the world it is then tricky if you go somewhere else, which is why we go to Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café and seldom go to other places.

The art teacher has decided that he will allow us (myself, Freddie and Esmeralda) to paint the ceiling of the art department, he said that it is because the school governors are too tight to get professionals in, and so to annoy them he decided that if we paint it they are bound to get someone in to sort it out super fast then.  I decided to continue my theme from observing clouds and so I painted a huge three headed caterpillar with tusks eating ginger cake in an igloo it was surrounded by hundreds of ferrets that Freddie painted; and Esmeralda in what can only be described as a stroke of genius, painted the school goat on the centre of the art department skylight in window glass paint, so the goat will now be heading towards the out of town supermarket forever in the word of art or until the skylight gets exploded again.

As it happens there is another rather cunning advantage in Esmeralda’s art as Ron the supermarket manager’s son will panic every time he has art and phone his dad to warn him of the imminent arrival of the goat making him leap into action with his new anti-goat gun and defence netting in a false alert. This should increase the chance of the goat getting through the new defence system after all Ron likes art and has art lessons 5 or 6 times a week, that is a lot of false alarms. Particularly when you are an out of town supermarket manager also trying to stop a roller skating dog stealing frozen legs of lamb as it weaves in and out of the gangs of little old ladies looking for bargains and shouting at innocent shoppers trying to keep their heads down and buy food.    

Yes sorry Miss Lily more ferrets. . . . . . . . HAHAHH AHH ah hah ha hahhah ha hah ahh haha haha hahahah  

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A Jackdaw riding a bicycle and singing about fish while balancing a frog on its head

What a lovely day it has been today, we need more days like this, blues skies and not a cloud to be seen anywhere, which proved slightly difficult in the art class at school. Because we were all outside creating conceptual art by describing what interesting things we could see in the clouds. Luckily the art teacher was able to borrow the science departments cloud machine for the day, I think I must have been having an off day because all I saw were the usual things that most people see when they look at clouds. There was the huge three headed caterpillar with tusks eating ginger cake in an igloo but I think everyone has seen one of those; then there was a Jackdaw riding a bicycle and singing about fish while balancing a frog on its head, and a man being chased by a cardboard box with five legs. I put all this down to the fact they were fake clouds, as real clouds are far more interesting.

Still I did better than Freddie and his ferret, they saw 300 ferrets juggling with marsh mallows then two ferrets riding on a horse backwards and several ferrets playing hamlet in a greengrocers shop during a sale. At one point everyone said they saw a goat doing pirouettes and hanging onto a load of abseiling equipment, but that was because it was the goat (the school mascot) who Esmeralda had decided to send to the out of town supermarket via the steam powered catapult. They have put bars on the skylight now so the goat can’t get in that way, so Esmeralda has given it a crash course on abseiling in through the air conditioning system, as it turned out crash course was rather apt as it appears that air conditioning and goats go not mix well, luckily however the goat is fine and arrived back with a stash of frozen peas, some stainless steel ducting and some parts from what looks like a heat exchanger and a fan.

The art teacher asked Esmeralda what she saw in the clouds and she said a seagull with a set of car keys, she even pointed to it as the science teacher ran past throwing rocks at it and shouting give me back my keys you ************* I don’t think that is what the art teacher had in mind…….

Ooooo yes I have also found the pipe in the big muddy damp cold and smelly hole that things are meant to soak away through but don’t. So all I need to do now according to dad is unblock it  . . . . . . . .AH DAMN          

        

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"Here's Johnny!" . . . . An Axe, a Chainsaw and the GPS

I have spent a good part of the day using a chainsaw and a large axe although the woodwork teacher said that fine delicate Marquetry is best done with smaller and slightly more delicate woodwork tools. He is of course right but on the other hand using a chainsaw and a large axe is a great deal more fun and exciting. 

We were working in pairs and normally I would be teamed up with Freddie or Esmeralda but today we had a bit of a move about, why do teachers do stuff like that everyone was happy, but no no we all have to work with new people to improve our team spirit  and stuff. So I was working with Targuin Charles the third, who is well impressed that I am head boy of a posh academy.  I did explain that I became head boy due to a typing error in the pupil database and that the school had to become an academy because the comprehensive schools system does not allow school mascots (the school goat) to eat pupils. As an academy with private funding from the Petro-chemical industry and the Goat Preservation Society (GPS), the occasional loss of a first year or what ever year a first year is these days is sort of glossed over as the price of creating a generation of eccentrics.  And well it is the way of the world we all need to learn that goats are not vegetarians and will eat anything that moves, or does not move for that matter.

Anyway, Targuin Charles the third’s dad had lent Targuin Charles the third a nice French Walnut Louis XV Marquetry Bureau from 1793 to do a bit of repair work on, so the pair of us set too with the chainsaw. Targuin Charles the third had never used a chainsaw before so he thought it was great fun although he was a little heavy handed which meant that the nice French Walnut Louis XV Marquetry Bureau from 1793 was a little gnarled looking by the end of the day but I have to admit Tarquin is a natural with an axe. His little face smiling through the woodwork room window in a slightly mad glazed way as the chauffer turned up, his rather posh little voice shouting "Here's Johnny!" (that’s the chauffer I think) as he ran out to see him clutching his axe (my axe as it happens I must get it back tomorrow). The woodwork teacher says he might get some MDF and a bit of white gloss paint to sort the French Walnut Louis XV Marquetry Bureau for Tarquin as he looked a bit stressed.

Oooo yes in another wood related incident as I was walking up the drive this morning a man in a huge logging truck hooted and waved, I was not expecting that because I don’t think Mexican Dave drives logging trucks. So it is possible that the Mexican Wave started yesterday is still working its way along the road  . . . . . . .WELL COOL.

AH yes, also My friend from the world of Blogging Me ESB had a thought and suggested a change of tack as I forgot what was going on for a couple of days, and suggested I try writing about what was going off. Ironically when I looked at the news earlier I found that the Pope was going off to stop at Castel Gandolfo or as we would call it The Castle of Gandalf, I sorry but a man going off to live in the Castle of Gandalf wearing long white ropes to read old leather bound medieval books with locks on makes me wonder if he planning to do what I do from time to time and do a re-enactment of a certain film trilogy. They are long films too which would explain the need to retire.   

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The goat, the flower shop and the last orchid

All is well with the power today (so far) and it has also been sunny and is due to be sunny for a few days so WELL COOL, tomorrow is the day to let our electricity supplier know how much electricity we have generated in the last quarter. It is a day dad likes, it is always good to get money from your main supplier of power rather than to give them money, although this last quarter has been a little disappointing for solar panels mainly because we have seen very little sun. The solar panels have been on the roof a whole 12months now and over that period have generated enough power to easily pay for the entire cost of all our power usage over the same period so effectively we have zero energy costs and are energy neutral. This is why dad always smiles on sunny days and chases seagulls away from the solar panels who he says have been hired by the electricity suppliers to shade the sun from the solar panels of all members of the general public, not that it has not been a good twelve months for sun in the UK. It also means we can switch things on without any real worry about cost of energy. Well maybe the latest  50 foot high 1950’s electrically powered robot used a lot of power but then it short circuited yesterday when it malfunctioned and hit a wooden post with a large transformer on and had 11,000 volts arcing out of its head causing a bit of an explosion. Dad thought it best not to tell mum and has told me to keep it a secret . . . . . . . . . . . . . AH DAMN  . . . . . Dad has said IDIOT but luckily mum has distracted him by hitting him on the head with the armadillo toaster . . . . . . . PHEW.

Because it is Valentines Day today Esmeralda thought someone should get her loads of flowers, she asked for volunteers but we all thought it best to runaway very fast and hide. So in an act of rebellion she aimed the steam powered catapult at the flower shop and gave the goat strict instructions on what to bring back, red roses and expensive orchids. Well there were mutterings that this was all going to end in tears and sure enough it did.

I will say Esmeralda has certainly got her eye in with range finding these days and there is no denying that both her and the goat make a formidable force to be reckoned with but there one weakness still is communication. You see no matter how long we have all spent trying to get the goat to speak the English language it still has not mastered a single word, it does not help that the goat always eats all its English language books and its homework. And Esmeralda also is not great with languages either and is something of a traditionalist in as much that if someone does not understand her she shouts at them . . . . . .This is very traditional in Britain particularly is someone is trying to get directions; you would be amazed by how many foreign tourists have gone deaf trying to find the Tower of London.

AH DAMN distracted  . . . . . . Yes the goat and the flower shop, the goat landed perfectly right in front of the roses as planned but then promptly ate all of them, in fact the goat thought flowers were food (goats think everything is food).  So as the goat worked its way through the flowers the owners of the flower shop hit the goat with a large wreath saying GOODBYE UNCLE JACK.  This is water off a ducks back to the goat; he has after all been chased by the entire staff of a large supermarket throwing bar code readers at him.  What was a surprise was goats do not eat orchids so when the goat returned he did have several orchids discreetly hidden about his person (?) so Esmeralda was very happy . . . . . . PHEW.

 However as I said it did end in tears because as we passed the flower shop on the school bus heading home after school the owners of flower shop were very distraught and crying describing a goat to a policeman, as were many husbands who had rushed into to get flowers because they had suddenly thought ******* its Valentines Day DAMN . . . . only to find out all the flowers had been eaten by a goat, although there were several men fighting over the last orchid…… 

     

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The Pope, God and Elvis

It is a strange world we live in there I was wondering about what to write about when in general things have been normal-ish (excuse the bad typing I have cold hands and cant type at the best of times) and as predicted the world was covered in snow and ice outside but not nice snow and ice, so no snow zombies today.  And as I have complained endlessly about weather I will be good and not mention a word about it today . . . . . . AH DAMN.

So just for a change I thought I would look at the news because one of those little events has happened today that does not happen very often, in fact roughly about once every six hundred years I think; yes Pope Ben has resigned. This is a tricky thing to do when you are as they say the number two after the big man himself God, putting your resignation in writing to God is seriously tricky. It reminds me of that very popular song often played at funerals “Return to Sender” by the King himself, ELVIS . . . . WOW it is not often I get to talk about The Pope, God and Elvis all at the same time…

So Why you are thinking has this happened, as I have already said to my good friend Mr H, God moves in mysterious ways and as we get old so do we, it is well known that the elderly do all sorts of strange things; in fact the point comes where God moving in a mysterious way is less mysterious than the elderly moving about in a mysterious way, not an ideal position to be in if you are a Pope. And the result of all this is the Pope and God end up moving so mysteriously that they never get to meet. So the Pope has probably thought to himself where’s that God gone I'm sure he was here earlier.  

I was also somewhat bemused by the BBC news feed on their web site that said “Live: Pope resigns”  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Surely it is not just me who thinks hang on if he was dead he would not be able to resign.

While I was reading the BBC news web site I also saw the following . . . . .  Beef products 'pose no health risk', well we all know that, what most people wish to know is whether horse products are safe. Actually while on the subject of those dodgy food items I noticed they showed one on the TV yesterday after it was cooked and to tell the truth it looked awful. This you see brings us to a rather important point about the meat in these cheap convenient foods, the meat in them is that reconstituted stuff and may not be meat as such, more eyeballs, ears, bits of skin and various other things turned into a sort of slurry and then made to look like meat as you and I think of it. So some sort of real meat even in the form of a horse may not be a bad thing unless of course you are a horse…

I better go its somehow got late not sure how But I was drumming earlier and jolly good it was too.

Oooooooo yes I was able to take a photo of a tree this morning but not the Pope God or Elvis  . . . . .sorry.

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