The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter N

N

Well not many folk know that the opposite to Plan M (The Master Plan) is Plan N or as people tend to call it . . . . . No Plan.  Of course in academic circles argument has raged for years about Plan N or No Plan. As some say it is a Plan and others say it is Not a Plan. Personally I don’t care one way or the other I am just pleased it gives me a very cunning way too quietly, and you might be relieved to hear quickly sneak through the Letter N. . . . .

And with No Plan the bonus is No Ducks.

Another Sunset from the garden and as you can see

No Ducks

OK just the one in our pond

The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter K

K

We have reached that point in the A to Z where the mind sort of wanders off (well mine does) and we think OOOOoooooo What’s that up there. . . . . It’s a Seagull (Not a Duck). So when I say OK Plan K my first thought is Pirates Har Har Har. Yes Pirates make folk walk the PlanK. And Anyway Pirates fit well into the life of both Seagulls and Ducks; although probably Seagulls more so than Ducks. The thought of Long John Silver fighting off Ducks on the Bridge of the Hispaniola while Captain Flint his Parrot Shouts ‘Pieces of Eight . . . Quack Quack Quack’ somehow seems wrong.

So there you have it I have been entirely distracted by those Pesky Ducks again. I’ll never make it to the Letter Z at the rate although I do have one skill that I think might help. . . The ability to write reams of total Rubbish. After all I have reached Z many times before so I feel confident . . .  sort of . . . . Maybe?

A Picture I produced for a friend. Of a rather well know Building

The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter J

J

Well here we are with Just another Plan. Not Plan J which I dismissed as a completely silly idea way back while expounding the values of Plan B on Letter B of the Alphabet.  Of course by saying it’s Just another Plan gives a sense of modest and some would say Justified Juxtaposition as might be expected by a humble yet handsome member of the Jet set . . . (OK I jest).

Those of you who have started to follow my strange A to Z Challenge this year (yes I know nobody is) will probably be thinking well at least no ducks are going to turn up I mean this is the letter J. However you are forgetting about the ever popular  Japanese Criollo Duck which even as I type is on the phone to his mate the Khaki Campbell Duck warning him of the impending arrival of the Letter K.

Well onwards and upwards . . . . I hope the rest of you are coping with the Alphabet, my top tip keep it short, keep it simple and don’t stress. It should after all be Fun and if you are not enjoying it then Why are you doing it?

As many of you know I make stuff

Including Ginger Biscuits

Which I also eat.

The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter H

A rather bizarre, slightly odd and somewhat rambling trip through an A to Z of Plans. . . . . Sort Of

H

If you Goggle Plan H then you will notice that there are a few Plan H’s out there. And I noticed at least one of them involves eating stuff. I suspect I might find there is a Plan of some sort for every letter of the alphabet involving eating food; Well I was not expecting that. However this was not my Plan and therefore I consider That my Plan has turned into The Plan of Horror, full of Hedgehogs Hobbits Harpies, Hyenas, and Hydrangeas. All of which I suspect are likely to turn up in one of those Plan Something (select your own letter here) Diets along with that cute Duck and some Horseradish Sauce.

If by any chance you are thinking he has mentioned the Duck again well it is for continuity, something that is important in a well-planned A to Z. Even an A to Z full of gibberish and a bit of Horseradish Sauce such as this one.

I used to live Here but I moved a few years ago as folk do.

All part of my own personal Master Plan.

A cat a witch and a mouse

One of which might turn up on Letter W

The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter F

   

A rather bizarre, slightly odd and somewhat rambling trip through an A to Z of Plans. . . . . Sort Of

F

Now what sort of Plan could possibly fit nicely into the Alphabet here? Well of course there is realistically only one option and that is the F Plan. Yes you all know the one the Plan that involves eating masses of Fibre, Fish, Flamingos, Frogs, Figs and maybe the occasional Deep Fried Furry Critter.

Actually I have been informed that I may have got that slightly wrong and some of those things are in fact not part of the F Plan. Well that is not what the local takeaway told me at the time, they insisted that a nice Battered Flamingo was very much in vogue in the ever changing world of diets. Well they used to say that before they were closed down, apparently Panda Kababs are not entirely legal.

Yes I do go to bed with a glass of Milk Every Night

And Bedrooms should be Interesting.

The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter E

   A rather bizarre, slightly odd and somewhat rambling trip through an A to Z of Plans. . . . . Sort Of

E

Well Plan E then . . . . And before you all think Plan E you can’t have Plan E . . . O yes you can I just Googled it and there are more Plan E’s than you could wave an Egg at and I am not Exaggerating. While on the subject of Eggs I would like to point out after yesterday I don’t Eat Duck Eggs either . . . Just thought I should let you know.  Now how do we Effectively and Efficiently Exit an E based Experimental Plan E without over Exciting the Masses (that’s you lot by the way), Plus an assortment of Egrets, Eagles, Earwigs as well as many other E based animals that just for now have Escaped my mind.

Well as Sherlock Holmes would say  . . . . Elementary my Dear Watson.

The Calm before the Storm and a Tidy House

    

The 2019 A to Z Challenge . . . Letter D

A rather bizarre, slightly odd and somewhat rambling trip through an A to Z of Plans. . . . . Sort Of

D 

I suspect some of you will be thinking by now this chaps Plan for a Plan based theme for the Alphabet is Doomed. And that it’s (to put it bluntly) a Doomed Plan full of Death, Destruction, Distraction, Despair and The Devil and probably a Duck or two, now If anyone is thinking DUCK? Well some will know they do on rare occasions (a Lot) pop up on my A to Z’s much in the same way as they pop up in a pond while nibbling food on a sunny day.

I used to eat duck it tasted lovely, but in the end their cute little faces would haunt me at night. Their feathers whispering at me through the pillow case saying things like . . . . You ****** nasty ****** chap eating cute feathery critters that just like to chill and nibble stuff in the pond, you’re a ***** ***** you are. So I don’t eat duck now. Even my pillow is some sort of terrible foam thing designed to insure you won’t sleep well. But at least Ducks like me again so that’s OK. . . . . . . 



I think they like me?

The Steam Powered Duck

Poetry for Red Indian Spirit Guides that can not type (A first me thinks)

O yes Chickens

May like to cross the Road

for reasons I have not been told

But they are better at it than Pheasants are

Who tend to get Squashed

By the passing car

As for Ducks

They may go Quack

But Social Skills

They truly Lack

As I have often found out at my own personal cost

OK if you are wondering the reason for tonight's post, it is lack of time. And it only takes the blink of an eye to create such poetry so I have blinked my eye and this is what happened. Why chickens, why pheasants and why ducks I really dont know. In fact I sometimes put all this down to that friendly old Red Indian Guide I have mentioned in the past who is very good, but rubbish at typing. So between him and my hands which are also rubbish at typing and my brain which is sort of rubbish, and getting worse by the day it is a wonder we create anything.  

Anyway as I said time is limited and it is therefore time to depart to my bed and sleep. . . Or as my trusty Red Indian Spirit would say . . . White man speak with forked tongue Kemosabe . . . Actually I think he means . . . All men speak with forked tongue. . . . He is a wise old Red Indian Guide and thats for sure even if he cant type.

Kitchens, Ducks, Swallows and the Creature from the Black Lagoon

Today has been a big day in the revamped kitchen where much plastering and tweaking has taken place as we battle to try and finish everything. I am not that good at plastering OK I can get away with it in a house with wonky walls but not in a house with flat walls for fairly obvious reasons. So today Mr Chris the builder came to do plastering and between us we removed and adjusted some wiring. 

To add to the interest our little pond at the front of the house had a visit from a female mallard duck and her duckling that spent a bit of time stuffing themselves with pond weed. They were then joined by a large flock of swallows on the power cables in the field next door. Seeing swallows on mass is not a good sight because they tend to do this a week or so before they head south and they head south because they think Autumn is due, it seems a bit early to me but swallows know stuff.  So is nature predicting an early winter, I am not planning on predicting anything more this year after the Queen did not die and the Conservatives won the election. I know I did mention sort of mention the world is due to end on September 21st 2015 at 8.30am GMT, but I like to think of this as more fact than prediction. I mean all that conflict between diametrically opposing dimensions in space and time can only end in the end of something and after the election and the Queen it has all gone seriously wrong and that’s for sure.

Anyway I am rather knackered now and the rest of the night will involve being chilled followed by my re-enactment of The Creature from the Black Lagoon in the shower later where I will scare the glow in the dark plastic duck. I usually try and scare the Elvis plastic duck but he has worked out it is not the creature from the black lagoon but me, so he just thinks I Quackers . . . . . . HA AHAH ha hah ah ah a ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah h ahah ah a ha ha ha hah hah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I have another very busy day tomorrow where I need to look like I know many things and will be nodding and pointing at stuff in a very knowing way while others nod and look like they know what I’m doing. When the reality is no one will know what’s going on but no one is going to admit that. So very much like the government really only none of us get paid loads of money (well I don’t although the others never say what they get).

Oooooo yes the solar panels manages 1540 kilowatts this quarter so impressive stuff.

Well that’s it for today I need to think of some big questions again and write something interesting, I can feel boredom creeping into the minds of the readers even as I type.    

The General Election Result Analysed . . . What Happened, the voters the voting and a free Duck

So it is all over and we have a Conservative government with a narrow overall majority. Well that was not meant to happen and that is for sure, and I am not pleased. As I have previously mentioned I am politically slightly on the left. You know the sort of stuff . . . We are all equal, should have the same opportunities in life, large important infrastructures such as the railways, Power companies and the like should be run by the government for the benefit of the country and not for the profitable gain of a few very wealthy folk.

Ideas like that are out of favour with the masses these days and it is easy for political parties to appeal to those deep dark paranoid thoughts we all have. . . You know . . .  He has more than I do, and I work harder.  All those unemployed folk are living in big houses and having holidays while I slave away 372 hours a week on a zero contract. The other party will tax me to death.  Britain is full of folk from strange foreign lands that get all sorts of stuff for free and we don’t.  It will rain more if they are in power, and so on

We also had the added political hint that all those Scottish politicians would run the country and make folk wear kilts, eat deep fried Mars bars and set fire to Viking ships in the English countryside while singing Flower of Scotland and drinking Whiskey.

The result is the masses have all moved towards the political right in England, while the folk of Scotland unhappy at the English demonizing them have all voted for the Scottish Nationalist Party; sticking two fingers up at all the main political parties.  As A Scot living in England I understand why. . . You see we are not nasty Fire Breathing Monsters who wave swords and fight in the streets on Saturday night (OK OK a few are . . . OK yes quite a lot are).

Anyway the Labour Party leader has resigned, the Liberal Democratic Leader has resigned and so has the UKIP leader although he did say he might return (maybe in a bit). The Conservatives are all keen, happy and smiling, but I think they have forgotten one small point that may cause a few problems. They have promised loads of stuff like free ice cream for everyone, and a pet duck for all households with small children and loads of other stuff. I think they thought they would be in coalition or in a minority government so would be able to blame the others for not achieving their goals. Only they have won (AAAAuuuuugggHHHH) and now have to do what they promised and some of it will not be easy. . . . . That is a lot of ducks they need to find.  I can hear folk shouting DUCK even as I type

Germany disqualified from Brazilian World Cup. . . Android Shock News

In what is said to be one of sports biggest ever shocks, Germany have been disqualified from the 2014 Brazilian World Cup. It appears that one of their leading players, I think his name is Muller Cogs Lightberg or something similar, has turned out to be an Android and not human.  

How ironic when only the other day I was discussing the origins of the term Android and its forgotten inventor Augustus Von Androidus. But it appears that the Great Great Great Great (or something like that) Granddaughter of Augustus Von Androidus still had his original plans and drawings and someone hit upon the idea of recreating one of the Androids to become the heroic leading striker of the German National Football team. 

It does explain the reclusive life style of the player and his constant clicking, grinding and hissing noises on the pitch which many other teams had officially complained about and which the German manager has always said was rather bad wind. And no one would have noticed if he had not pulled his fake latex chest up over his head along with his official team shirt after scoring the winning goal during their first World Cup game.  The Germans at first said he was not an Android but a cyborg (not the IKEA set of draws but the man machine thing) and mostly human; but after tests it has been found he is definitely non human in every respect except image and a strange obsession to kick a ball about for 90 minutes in a game of two halves.

There is talk of a German protest at the disqualification decision on the grounds that nowhere in the rules does it say players need to be human and it has been pointed out that back here in Britain in 1912 Scragend United played a duck in goal for two games.     Although it was done for a bet when the manager was drunk at Ye Olde Pig and Trolley Inn, and the duck let in 132 goals, But the Germans still claim it set a president.

The Storm and a Duck

Many parts of Britain have been enduring storms today, up in Scotland it has been very blowy on the west coast and I think the top recorded wind speed was about 142mph. Although quite a few trees have been destroyed and it appears that at least two folk have been killed, it has to be said folk up north are making less of a fuss in this storm than the BBC did when the last storm was down south. Last time here, there was no wind what so ever, but this time it was different and although we were very much on the fringes of this storm it was certainly rather bouncy outside, with the odd really powerful gust. This resulted in a few bits of wood being blown about and a smashed large garden pot and the weather vane vanishing off the roof. All the sheep have vanished from the fields next door too but I think that may be connected to the man with the sheepdog and a large trailer.

The evening sky tonight as the sun set 

(well it looks peaceful enough)

 The next big worry in several places is a tidal storm surge; I really wish the BBC could report this stuff without making it sound like its going to be the end of the world at times. I think they need to wait and see how bad it is first before they commit themselves to a doomsday option. This will not affect us (the tide), we are rather a long way from the coast and if the sea reaches us then it really is doomsday.

I have bought a Christmas present today so a bit of a shock for BBC news although apparently they have no interest in this even though I managed to do it online. I should have bought a fish, I notice it is possible to buy a battery powered fish that looks and swims just like a real fish although it tastes rubbish.  But the idea of buying a fish online (HAH HAH HAH HAH HA HAH HAH Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) is slightly amusing OK only very slightly. It’s a sustainable fish joke HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH AH HAH HAH HAH AH ha ha ha.

I have also moved a mirror a small distance and took a picture of the sky today.   OOOOoooo yes I also had to check that the Steam Powered Duck was safe when it was blown off her pond, she was. . . . . . 

The Steam Powered Duck, Dr Who and the Exploding Apples

It has been a very cold day today a day that saw the first day this year when the Steam Powered Duck has been unable to move due to ice. If you were to ask the Steam Powered Duck what it did today it would respond with ALMOST Entirely Nothing which surprisingly bearing in mind yesterdays diary entry is correct.

Mr F arrived very late yesterday evening and is spending the weekend with us, although he has just exploded two apples in the microwave as part of an experiment to make fruit look like brains in order to get Zombies to have a healthier diet. It appears that it has been proved scientifically that one of the reasons Zombies are so lethargic and slow is the lack of fruit and fibre in their food.

We also went off to the vineyard to drink coffee or in my case Hot Chocolate (they do a good Hot Chocolate) and talk about the age old problem of clockwise and anticlockwise bias in the human body, a subject I have previously discussed in my diary.

I have also used my new, well I say new as it is new to me although it has a previous owner, camera to photograph the Steam Powered Duck. What I have noticed is that because it is big and complex and full of buttons the battery runs flat. This happen to coincide with the farm opposite putting on a large firework display for their cows, as it helps their milk yield although the noise did frighten the local pheasants and several pigeons and a cat; but it does mean there are no photographs to prove the event took place.

As I write my diary everyone else is doing a jigsaw in the main living room and I may go and see if I can entice a few Zombies with exploded apples although I am not entirely convinced they will be fooled into thinking they are brains even if the exploded raspberries give them the oozing blood look of a fresh brain.

I have noticed much talk of Dr Who which is fifty years old now. I was rather amused that someone well known on the TV said the reason for its success was the fact he was a middle class eccentric fighting strange monsters in a world were almost anything could happen. . . . . . . . Oooo yes I can see how that is a winning formula, I wonder if it will work in cyberspace in a sort of daily diary format  . . . . . . . . . . . AAAAAaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuggggggHHHHHHH

My new Camera (secondhand)

AH mum has said IDIOT again.

OK time to go….. I knitted a really long scarf once a very very very very long time ago but left it on a train, I wonder what happened to that….. I might ask that Doctor bloke.  

Television, Zombies and Sir Walter Raleighs Duck Pond.

As you know if you read last nights diary entry we went to see Mr M in his new hospital where he is much happier, and as I also said I got to play with the controls of his bed. It is amazing what shape you can turn a patient into with these beds and now I know how magicians do that trick sawing the lady in half, I did practice a few times at school for the school talent show but they banned me from using any more 1^st years.  Well it appears you don’t actually saw anyone in half after all.

Anyway this is all by the by (another saying that means if you are near something you are also by it . . . .Yes I agree silly) the point I was coming too concerns Zombies because I am concerned. What I noticed as I tried to make a figure eight with Mr M is that everyone else in his little ward were watching a television, even the visitors of the other patients and they sat there the entire time not moving or talking or even blinking and then a thought came into my head. Yes thoughts do that they seldom arrive anywhere else I have never had a thought in my foot or hand or at least I don’t think I have.

Hang on where was I  . . . . . AH yes, you see everyone looked like Zombies and then I realized that there must be Zombie scientists out there and they designed a machine so cunning in its ways that we have taken to it like a duck to Walter, Yes its one of those silly saying again, I have no idea who Walter is unless it is that Walter Raleigh the inventor of the bicycle who spent a lot of time floating about on his duck pond looking for potatoes.

Sorry distracted again; you see this cunning machine of the Zombies has taken over the world and is slowly turning skilled intelligent humans into Zombies, deskilling us so that when they finally attack, folk will be powerless to save themselves. Folk will just say things like ooooo look  its whats-his name from thingy on that programme on the tele, he looks just like a Zombie, only he will be a Zombie.

Yes I think you realize that I am talking of the television and I suggest that you all run off and turn them off NOW before it is too late, you can spend your evening doing things like sharpening pointy sticks, making model mice out of cheese to confuse the cat or even reading the incredibly brilliant Slightly Eccentric Diary of a certain person who will remain nameless (me) . . . .

Oooooo yes what did I do today  . . . . . . . . . . Ooooooo dear best not to tell. How come there is always a screw left over when you put things back together. 

Steam Powered Ducks and Old Converse Trainers

Today started in a wild and windy way and sort of got windier and wilder until mid-afternoon when the sun finally came out. I know it was the windiest day in a long time as poor old Steam Powered Duck was blown over the waterfall and was upside-down lying in the lily pads. Not a dignified way to spend your time and full of technical issues if you are a Steam Powered Duck. Anyway I can now assure everyone she is back in her own pool and looking none the worse for the experience, and I believe the long term memory of ducks is limited.

   

We also had a visit from Miss Jo who has spent much time whizzing about from place to place doing things and talking to folk about stuff. Something we all have to do from time to time although I do try and avoid too much talking to folk about stuff if I can.  Miss Jo then had to whizz off to do other things and collect Miss E  . . . . .I think.

Once the sun came out I was able to grab my trusty pickaxe and make a hole in the ground, it has been a while since I made a hole in the ground, although the ground was not ideal for making holes due to all the rain in the morning. I was also digging in my trusty Old Converse Trainers which are getting that real lived in feel these days although the soles are sort of very thin and falling off.  If the soles do fall off it will be terrible because I have never heard of Old Converse Trainers with no soul before and I do not want to own the first pair. . . . . .  I wonder if I can fix them with super glue.

AH  . . . . . DAMN I have super glued my trainers onto my feet

Mum has said IDIOT.

A Huge Traditional Female Mallard Robot Steam Powered Duck and the Scale of Reality

Yesterday I was in a bit of a rush with my diary entry due to the lack of time, and this resulted in a little confusion as to exactly what I was doing with ducks, well today it only got worse but I will explain more in a minute.

Earlier we had taken Mr F with us to see Miss I and Mr S who are due to get married next Saturday while we were there we got to see their house and drank tea. And Mr S was telling us about his granny who apparently is a crack shot with a sawn off twelve bore riffle, although to be fair it is hard to miss stuff with a sawn off twelve bore rifle. There is an old saying that goes He could not hit a barn door ten feet away if he tried well once you saw the barrels off a shot gun it is possible to hit four or five of them all at the same time. So we chatted, watched strange folk chasing sheep, bees and looked at a telephone box. It then got rather dark and cloudy and we thought it was going to rain which in the end it did not, but I thought I saw a Neutrino shoot down and pass through the Earth (as they do). This is odd because in theory due to the scale of reality a Neutrino is seriously tiny, not rain drop sized which leads us back to ducks  . . . . . . . Yes, I hear your confusion.

You see once we got back home the traditional Female Mallard Robot Steam Powered Duck was still successfully swimming about in the Robot duck test pond, but due to some terrible occurrence in the Bermuda Triangle (sorry I mean the Berriew Triangle) an unsuspecting fishing boat and its crew found themselves battling a Huge Traditional Female Mallard Robot Steam Powered Duck who had got wind of its catch of fresh herrings. This of course is what happens in nature when the Scale of Reality gets muddled and you get rain drop size Neutrino’s. Luckily the fishing boat vanished off in the same way it arrived and normality appears to have returned for now. . . . . .

Oooooo yes; You might notice that the Robot Duck test pond is in fact the hole that had grannies carpet in. I thought it best to follow the advice of the alien message. If you do not understand any of that you need to read my diary more………

And luckily I have a witness to the truth of my diary today as Mr F saw it all…….

When is a Duck a Duck

I am late again, it is all this doing stuff that is the problem so actually writing about what I have done is then harder. Anyway because it is late this is going to be the short abbreviated diary entry just in order to keep continuity, a diary without continuity is like a seagull without a mad glint in his eye and a belligerent swagger outside the fish and chip shop on a Friday night.

So in short we discovered that a Robot Elvis Duck is rubbish at swimming in a pond, A Glow in the Dark Robot Duck will float about but in a very uninteresting way, not in the true spirit of Ducks. And finally a traditional Female Mallard Robot Steam powered Duck is a good swimmer as long as any holes are properly filled up so that it does not list to starboard.   

 We also tested the old pond pump and it still works but we had not anticipated that it would siphon half the water out of the Robot Duck testing pond when it was turned off. Yes we should have thought of that, but even the minds of mad mechanical geniuses are not infallible or even inflatable.

I managed to get some PVA glue to glue things and showed Mr F round a shop and I have just been eating Bombay Mix and eating toast and peanut butter . . . . . YUM; even though it is rather late because that is the sort of chap I am… . . . . . . .  

Ooooooo and an old traction engine passed the house today on its way to somewhere so I took a photo and told them that the internal combustion engine would be far easier to park.

The Apprentice Final, Lord Sugar, the BBC and Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous Steam Powered Mechanical Duck

Last night I watched The Apprentice the program on the television where that Lord Sugar is selecting a business partner and making a few pounds at the same time (he is no fool that’s for sure). Last night was the interview with the last five candidates remaining where they have to explain their business plan to several high fly business folk who pick holes in each plan and tell them they are in fact total rubbish.

As I watched it, it became very clear that in reality all five of them really did have really rubbish ideas, well OK four of them did, but the fifth was doing a sneaky and had another partner hidden behind the scenes so basically got chucked out for not playing by the rules.

It now means that the last two in the Apprentice final who are both women have ideas that I would not invest in, let alone poor old Lord S who I guess has to grit his teeth and smile… One wants to start a international baking brand which seems slightly mad (??..... Ooooo look a flying pig) and the other, non intervention cosmetic surgery or as far as I could tell, stab folks faces with needles full of stuff (I think)

So I hear you say what has this to do with me, well you see my idea for the program of mass producing Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous Steam Powered Mechanical Duck (ironically called Rob), recreated from the long lost drawing he did, to sell in its millions to the Chinese who love ducks was laughed out of the board room. Those yuppie BBC folk said my idea was futile and would bite the dust before it ever got going, although my prototype Da Vinci Steam Powered Mechanical Duck bit Lord Sugar rather than the dust during the demonstration which may have affected the final decision and I for one was not amused by being told that all Steam Powered Mechanical Duck scientists are in fact a bunch of Quacks ……………. HAH HHAHAH HAHH AH hah ah ah ha hah ah hah ah ah ha hah ah ah ah ha hah ah aahhh OK it was a bit amusing 

.