An A to Z Coronavirus observational guide. . . B

B

Beans and Basics

Well as folk panic across the world from that which we have not mentioned yet because we have not reached the Letter C many things have changed. One of which is folks shopping habits. Now I am not referring to the Panic buying but to what folk are now filling up their food cupboards with. Folk are thinking what will I need to have if I am trapped at home for many many weeks and the answer is stuff like rice, pasta tins of beans, tomatoes and fruit. Flour to make bread, dried or UHT milk and generally things that are not very exciting unless you know what you are doing. If I say so myself I do make decent bread so in order to survive long term all I need after that is a freezer full of Bacon.

What many folk are not thinking about is what will they do with all those emergency supplies when all this is over. I suspect much of it will end up in bins or food banks. Keeping some emergency supplies is not a bad thing but you need to make sure you actually enjoy eating them too. Because a time will come when you will have to consider doing so or it is just wasted money. I mean just how much Pasta and rice can a chap eat.

You can't beat a Bacon Butty

A Cautionary Tale of Love and the Curse of the Living Dead

  

Once upon a time in the land of Britainium was a very very posh wizard school where all the really wealthy folk sent their young wizards to learn how to be a wizard. The problem was the young wizards were in general a bunch of spoilt brats who did not always listen to their teachers and would mess about and shout hoorah henri a lot at passers by.  Then one day a certain young wizard called David Volderon fell in love with a young Zombie from Denmark who was one of the walking dead who helped to feed the posh wizards in the Kitchen. He knew she was from Denmark because she had a huge tattoo saying Danish right down one side, It was something the young Zombie had always regretted but at the time it was a bit of a trend among the Danish Walking Dead.  Anyway our young hero and the love of his life who he called Miss Piggy, due to the fact she would squeal rather a lot during their love making . . .  The details of which I will not go into as this is a child friendly blog.  

The trouble was Young David was an ambitious little wizard and knew that a relationship with one of the living dead would not be looked on favourably with the masses and so he dumped his young Danish partner and left her to rot in the kitchens where she was left to serve bacon, pork pies and various other cuts of meat to the pupils. She eventually vanished but not before it was said she cursed David Volderon; telling him she would return one day to haunt him like a decaying full English Breakfast and that he would never be able to eat a bacon butty ever again without hearing the sounds of wild bores every day in his vast office and his place of work, and that the disgrace of what he did to her would live on forever.

At the time he and his friends mocked her and laughed thinking who does this foolish person think they are with their piggy ears, piggy nose, piggy mouth and a small curly tail and large tattoo. But as we all now know the terrible curse has risen from out of the dark and poor David Volderon has even been deserted by his faithful pet (all wizards have pets) Kermit the Dog.

I said it might be the End of the World today and it appears for one poor chap it sort of has been. I suspect sleeping on the sofa tonight might be on the cards.

Mr Jeremy Clarkson and the Great Top Gear Conspiracy all is revealed

Over the last few days I have heard many things about the great Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson debate. Well when I say many things I have heard or read a couple of things and have now made many assumptions that have led me to a Top Gear Conspiracy theory, I have said it before and its entirely true, everyone loves a good conspiracy theory.  You see there are some interesting facts in all this.  For example who informed the BBC of the alleged Fracas, well it turns out it was Mr Clarkson himself. Well that is not the sort of thing you are going to do when you are already in trouble; rush inside and tell the entire world that you chopped down the Cherry tree. . . .  Mmmmmm very suspicious? Then it turns out the producer has been part of the team for ages and has risen up through the staff to become a producer (a well liked producer) in a team where it appears Mr Clarkson is well and truly the main man. And I do not mean just the big star lying on a feather sofa eating grapes out of a hubcap, no he is one of the brains and driving (no pun intended) forces behind the show. So if he did not like this chap would he be a producer . . . NO. And there have been other little hints at stuff which has led me to my conspiracy theory.

SO . . . . . I can hear folk say. . . What stupid idea have you come up with now . . . . Well you see if you have watched the show you will have noticed it had lost its sparkle a bit this series. They were struggling for one of those brilliant ideas that has made the show the great success it has been for the last twenty years. Basically it had started to go a bit off the boil and stale. So in order to avoid it just petering out losing viewers, they hatched a great master plan to go out with a bang leaving everyone wanting more.

So what is this Foolish plan . . . you now ask. Well by Jeremy Clarkson discrediting himself it means the BBC has to sack him. Then his close friends and fellow presenters plus The Stig will refuse to stay, and then the crew will also follow Mr Clarkson to create a whole new car show watched by millions from day one on Channel 4. (OPTION ONE)

There is a slight possibility that the BBC seeing the dropping ratings hatched the plan to restore interest in the show. If in a few days time we hear on the BBC News that Jeremy Clarkson and the producers have made up and the show will continue to the end of this series then I think we can also assume it’s a conspiracy to boost the ratings of a show that has almost run its course. (OPTION TWO)

So there you have it call me mad (DAMN you called me mad), but conspiracy theories are not always that far from the truth. . . . Who can say its not all a cunning plan, after all the Top Gear team has achieved some unlikely goals in the past which have required immense planning. I mean if they can put a Reliant Robin on the moon then anything is possible.

What is mans greatest fear . . . . . . . . The Big Question

There are many differences between men and women both physically and physiologically as you might expect, I mean if we were identical it would only cause a lot of confusion although it would make religion a bit easier.  There is however one thing that is the Achilles heel of every single man in the world irrespective of whether he is a rock climber,  musician, nuclear scientist, mechanic or a Patagonian goat herder. It is something that men fear more than any other thing, and yet women don’t understand why and will often look indignant and shake their heads as a chap desperately tries to find any reason he can not to undertake this particular task. It is said that men have gone to war and fought to the death rather than face this; on the face of it simple task, that they are often asked to do by women in particular.  Enticing their chaps with erotic clothing or bacon butty’s or whispering rude things in their ears. But chaps will seldom do this terrible thing even when enticed with a half naked woman holding a hot bacon butty with fried onions and brown sauce made with a lightly toasted freshly made bap with loads of butter.

So it was with some trepidation that I started the day knowing that one of the tasks of the day was this mans greatest fear, although luckily I had enough other things to do to avoid starting. In the end though I had to face mans nemesis and with the appropriate implements to hand I set too. But then I had to stop as it was time for our evening meal and I am now too weary to start again, and tomorrow I am busy and on Wednesday, in fact it will probably be the weekend now before I have to face this terrible thing again and carry on with the terrible task of putting up shelves.           

The Truth Behind Scottish Independence finally revealed

Well as voting takes place I can finally reveal my cunning plan as it is now too late to stop it. You see me and my evil assistants, henchman Mr Alex Salmond and Nicola Sturgeon (there is something a bit fishy about their names. . . . . HAH AHHAH AH aha hah ahah ha ahha ha hah a ha hah ah) have been working tirelessly for several years on our very own Flag Business. Everyone likes flags and here in Britain folk just can't resist a wave at a royal person or a parade or hanging them in Windows.

But we hatched a plan to make ourselves a small (a very big) fortune by persuading the people of Scotland to leave the UK resulting in the need for millions of new flags from big posh ones to cheap plastic ones for the massed masses of Crowds-R-Us to wave at Queens and the like.

Now some of you will be thinking well you wont make that much money flogging a few flags, well its not just a few there are millions of them because Australia, New Zealand,  Montserrat,  St. Helena & Dependencies and many many others have the Union Jack as part of their own flag . . . . . . . . . so we will be rich very rich . . .HAH HA HAH AH ha ha hah ah ah ha ha h ha ha hah ha hah ah ah ha hahah ah ha ha hah ah ah ahah ah ah . . . . Yes we have this flag market well and truly Stitched Up. . . . . . . ..  Stitched Up . HAH HA hah ah a haha ha ha ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ahah ahah ha . . . . .

If our plan succeeds we plan to work for Chinese Independence which will mean the removal of the small print  . . . MADE in China. . .  from the corner of the Chinese flag.  If that cunning plan works we will be rich beyond are wildest dreams and we (OK I do) have some wild dreams indeed.

All we need to do now is get official approval for the new Union Jack design from the White House . . . sorry I mean Parliament.  . . . . . . . . AH DAMN I may have made a slight error in the design. 

The incredible health benefits of the Bacon Butty (the New Superfood)

It appears that the humble Bacon Butty is extremely good for you, not something I was expecting to learn as folk tend to say that they are bad. In general over the years what I have discovered is that almost any food that tastes really good, folk always say is bad for you. This can not be right, just look at nature, in nature birds, bears, rabbits, hedgehogs, snakes, in fact almost every other creature on the planet eats what it likes and does extremely well. This is how nature works life is programmed to eat the food we need by making it taste desirable, there is a simple and understandable logic to this if any critter is to thrive in the environment it lives in.

And this brings me back to the simple and humble but rather delicious Bacon Butty, you see I tend to eat a couple of these a week. I would eat more but I am not allowed so I make the most of the ones I have.  Now here in Britain there was some chap on the television who said that eating processed meat was not good for you and that eating a Bacon Butty meant you lived an hour less.

The thing is last week I had two Bacon Butty’s and at the end of the week someone said that as a result my life had reduced by two hours.  But I thought to myself . . . . Hang on I have been alive for the entire week and instead of my life reducing by a week it is only two hours shorter than it was at the start. That means if I eat two Bacon Butty’s every week it will take twelve weeks to reduce my life by 24 hours so a year is equal to 12 X 365 (weeks) or roughly 84 years. And as I have planned to be about for another forty years at least it means that I will in fact reach the staggering age of 3430 years old. Well that is amazing and it just proves that Bacon is jolly good for you and we should all eat more of it.  

Of course if any pigs are reading this I would just like to say it is not my fault, it is not good to evolve into a creature that makes such nice sandwiches and that extends our lives by more than three thousand years

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