Marlin Mascots . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Marlin Mascots

Another inventor who had known the right Honourable Arnold Alexander Axle Armstrong-Atlas and Georgina Gramophone Goshwell with whom there had been rumours of a relationship. although Merlin always denied everything claiming that the rumour was started by Benjamin Braithwaite Browning to deflect from his own misdemeanours .  

He realized though through their work though, that sound could be converted to motion so that it would be possible to create a sound powered motor. Inventing the Mascots Motion Motor, an incredibly clever device because the louder the noise the more powerful the motor became. And by building in a regulator and energy storage system the Mascots Motion Motor could be used even through quiet periods.

It was said that the Mascots Motion Motor could provide clean limitless energy for thousands of years by turning the sounds of nature into regular motion with no pollution and at almost no cost to the users.  A claim thought to have been proved by extensive tests carried out by the British Coal Board, but the Coal Board Chairman Mr Haggy Hatcher suddenly announced the shock news that the device had been destroyed and thrown down a disused mineshaft. The only witness a Mr Skippy Kangaroo saying he saw two men, one a muscular chap with a green glow and a rather ripped shirt on, carrying a Danister Detector while the other was shouting . . . . Haggy Haggy Haggy . . . out out out. . .  Although most conspiracy theorists have always claimed the British Coal Board just wanted the machine destroyed.  Strangely Marlin Mascots was never seen again and a brief statement from the British Coal Board announced that the news of the destruction of his machine was too much for Mr Mascots. And that he had gone completely mad convinced he was a penguin, and was convalescing at a secret location.  Thought by some to be the Green Acres Retirement Home for Naval Officers, because of its secure facilities.

Sadly there are only a few rough sketches left of the original machine as all the detailed drawings and plans were destroyed in a localized fire at the British Coal Boards central records office.

Harrison Horsechestnut Hutt . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Harrison Horsechestnut Hutt

Mr Hutt was a down to earth gritty northerner from a mining family that made good allowing Harrison Horsechestnut Hutt to go to university and get his degree in engineering. He was determined to do his bit and make the plight of the miner safer and a far better environment to work in. However the mine owners were difficult to deal with and would tut and shake their heads when anyone mentioned improving the mine environment as they just saw this as extra expense.  Even the miners where a sceptical bunch of workers who believed everyone was out to get them (generally true), and that anything mechanical or that had gears and moving bits was the work of the devil.

Eventually Mr Hutt managed to convince Mr Haggy Hatcher to use his invention the Hutt Hydraulic Hammer and even obtained a verbal agreement that no miners would lose their jobs. However after the incredible work of the Hutt Hydraulic Hammer, Mr Haggy Hatcher sacked almost his entire workforce much to the shock of  Harrison Horsechestnut Hutt who suddenly realized you cant trust mine owners. 

He decided that he needed to address the miners in person and do what he could to help as many were left destitute and starving. And after a brilliant speech and asking the miners for forgiveness at his naivety of trusting the notorious (he only discovered this too late) Mr Haggy Hatcher. The miners cheered and then threw him down the mine shaft, they did say it was nothing personal but were keen to stop any other inventors coming up with stuff that might ruin the plight of the working man.

To this day there is a rumour that Harrison Horsechestnut Hutt survived the fall as the mine lift had just started its decent and he did not fall that far.  But the miner (a Mr Skippy) who told of this then said that a strange green man with a battered and ripped shirt and mad hair carrying a Danister Detector led  Harrison Horsechestnut Hutt off deeper into the mine. So the story was dismissed as the ramblings of the working class. 

Perpetual Motion Machines and Naked Charity Calendars analyzed . . .(PART 3)

As I stated yesterday, clearly the only form of Perpetual Motion Machine that is going to work is a Nano Sub Atomic Particle Perpetual Motion Machine, but it is never going to be any good on a nude charity calendar of Scientists and Perpetual Motion machines so ironically science is left with the only thing it can do and use those classic old Victorian Machines which although failing to perform as Perpetual Motion Machines do have a classic beauty that the working machine would lack. And they are just large enough to keep some modesty.  

However a terrible dilemma indeed for Science, as in order to produce the perfect calendar it is necessary to use a device that any scientist who knows their stuff would know does not work.  In particular the Newtonian Speak Your Weight Perpetual Motion Machine as demonstrated by our substitute nude Scientist, Miss Traction Engine 2014 winner of the Cleethorpes Spring Steam fair. . . . Scientists are never going to appear nude with a novelty machine like that.

As someone once said in a film about Science . . . . Beauty Killed the Beast . . . . . It appears Miss Traction Engine 2014 objected to the Newtonian Speak Your Weight Perpetual Motion Machine shouting out 15 stone 10 pounds. And I think I have now said more than enough on the subject and will now move on to new and as yet unknown questions of our time.  DAMN I need a new Question. . .

Ooooo I may have finally sorted a very troublesome computer, they can be stubborn things. I have noted my new idea looking at the great questions of our time is going down like a lead balloon with the punters, but I am not yet deterred, I just need a few popular issues to discuss. . . .I’m not good at popular, you should see me at parties.

Perpetual Motion Machines and Naked Charity Calendars analyzed . . .(PART 1)

As you all know in my new professional role as a professional blogger I am dealing with the great questions of modern life.  Now in the old days these questions would all be profound ones like. . . Is the world Round. . . .  Where can I find the perfect vegetable to create the chip butty. . . . What are those small wiggly things in that pond?  But most of these questions have long been answered and dealt with in great detail. So the big questions of today are a strange mix.

Having dealt succinctly with the issue of Zombies riding a bicycle I am moving on to two new Questions that arose as a result, as this is how my blog now progresses.  The first of these two questions is can you resolve the issues connected to perpetual energy and the creation therefore of the Perpetual Motion Machine. A device which has eluded the efforts of man for hundreds of years (until now or maybe PART 2).  The second question, and this is where the ways of modern life have changed what constitutes the big questions of the day. . . .Is. . . .  What has brought about the perpetual increase in nude charity calendars at Christmas?

 Some would say the issues thrown up by the two questions have little if any common ground but nothing could be further from the truth.  Both involve the desire to do something rather voyeuristic in its nature, lets face it most of us are unlikely to take our clothes off and appear on calendars (although the numbers appear to be growing). And the Perpetual Motion Machine is a rather voyeuristic device as it has to recycle all its energy and therefore is ultimately pointless, making it the greatest most useless invention in the entire universe.

But it does mean that the ultimate expression of voyeurism that anyone could express today would be as a naked Scientist depending entirely for any modesty on a Perpetual Motion Machine on a charity Calendar.   Now where is that Professor Brian Cox when you need him? Weirdly he turned up on Radio 4 this morning . . . . Well spooky, bearing in mind the timing of my drawing (Last Night)……  

Well as you can imagine I was left with a right old problem drawing that picture I don’t think the massed masses of the general public appreciate that sitting down with a bit of paper and a ballpoint pen at eleven o’clock in the evening for half an hour or so to draw a naked scientist and a Perpetual Motion Machine is harder than it looks.

I feel I need to deal with the technical detail of the Charity Nude Calendar in PART 2   

We sadly had to go to Fred’s Funeral today. . . . So Farewell Fred, A man of many talents who enjoyed a Bacon Butty.         

A life in the sky is fraught with peril

No1  . . .Chocks Away

No2 . . . Roger

No1 . . . Who's Roger

No2 . . . What?

No1 . . .Who is Roger

No2 . . . He's not real, its what a chap says

No3 . . . Has Roger got the chocolates

No1 . . . What?

No2 . . . What?

No3 . . . Who has the chocolates

No1 . . . No one has any chocolates

No3 . . . You mentioned Choc's

No1 . . . NO not choc's. Chocks they are those little wooden wedges in front of the wheels on the airfield.

No3 . . . OK. . . Roger

No4 . . . Yes

No1 . . . Sorry No4 what are you asking

No4  . . . Someone said Roger

No1 . . . I thought we have established Roger is not real and he does not have any Chocolates

No4 . . . But my name is Roger

No1 . . . But No2 told me you were not real

No2 . . . Roger means OK I have understood your message, not Roger.

No3 . . . So has Roger got any Chocolates

No1 . . . NO ONE HAS any Chocolates

No4 . . . Yes I do

No3 . . . What kind of chocolates Roger

No4 . . . Milk Tray

No2 . . . I dont like Milk Tray, thats a bit unfair.

No1 . . . Does it matter, we are all in different aircraft sharing is not really practical.

No4 . . . I dont mind sharing

No1 . . . OK Roger I'll have the one in the gold foil.

No4 . . . AH DAMN I have just eaten that one.

No 3 . . . Roger has started eating the chocolates

No2 . . . I dont care I dont like Milk Tray so he can eat them all as far as I'm concerned.

No1 . . . OK look I'll share my ice cream then

No2 . . . WHAT?

No3 . . . WHAT?

No4 . . . Tally Ho

No1 . . . What? no its just a plain vanilla wafer. . . .

Plane . . . . . HAH HAH HA HAHAH HAhah ah ahah ha ha ha h ahah hah ah ahha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah a ha hah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha haah ah ah ah ah ahaha ha

    

The Return of the Curse of Harry Potter, Fantastic Beasts and Steven Spielberg and me

I noticed on the news last night that both Twitter and the Post Office seem to have decided to sell shares on the stock market, it somewhat amused me because it is a bit of a clash of technologies and philosophy. But I guess at the end of the day folk will rush out and buy which ever shares they think are the most likely to make loads of money, which in my humble opinion is neither . . . .  I guess that is not what they want to hear, but you would be far better investing in a rather strange film about a young slightly eccentric chap.

Which brings me to more shock news . . . . . . I also heard (rather ironically on Twitter) that there are plans to make a Harry Potter spin off film called something like Fantastic Beasts. I was in shock at first, I thought I had seen the last of Mr Harry Potter and His Wizard ways, sniggering at my humble steam powered spell machine. Just because if vibrated off the shelf and created its own hole in the floor to fall through before smashing to bits 15 floors lower when the boiler cooled down due to the air rushing past it as it fell. Him and all his Robsanidiotiosum Hahahaexplodious Excelentamusediam, Luckily it appears he will not be in the new film (O DEAR . . . . . . .HHAH HAHAH Hah hah ah hah ahha hhah ha ha ha ha hah ha ), poor old Harry. However,  I feel I have some good beasts right here in my own blog, what with Micro Gods and critters like the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth, The Banshees and the Lemmings of Petrograd.

If the nice Steven Spielberg had started making Rob Z Tobor the movie when I suggested we would have loads of beasts that are even better.  Still what can I say this is the way of the world for us simple ordinary folk living in the hills of the English Welsh borders, I bet I would not have this problem in Hollywood or Skegness…..

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them  . . . . ..  Really, I think the answer is OVER HERE . . . . .. . . . . Mum said I am an IDIOT

Anyway I have told all the pupils in School to keep an eye out (no it’s purely a silly saying I have not told them to remove their eye, this is not Hogwarts) for folk on broom sticks, and if they do see any to test their Zombie Defence Skills with their pointy Sticks. Talking of which I can say that they are rather effective on Media Studies teachers, although it turns out the Media Studies teacher is not a Zombie. This was finally proved by Esmeralda after some vigorous interrogation which Sir Alec Guinness in Tinker Tailor Teacher Spy would be proud of which is rather ironic bearing in mind it’s the Media Studies teacher.

Ooooooo The Monty Cardboard Robot Club have started to make a rocket……..WELL COOL.

And it rained today….

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The Machines of the Fields and the Monty Cardboard Robot Club

We are rapidly reaching the end of another years diary (book three) as the school holidays are almost over and the notorious end of holiday machines are starting to clear the fields of crops in order to locate any escaped children who were hoping to hide amongst the wheat and barley.  I am resorting to plan B now and growing a large handle bar moustache, OK I am making one out of cardboard and plan to stand about in a masterly way looking important and giving instructions and telling small children to go to bed with no supper, which is what most adults do.

The Ghost Writer is now an official member of the Monty Cardboard Robot Club so that he can use my expertise as a producer of cardboard sculpture to create a cardboard masterpiece. Which the Ghost Writer is planning to give as a present, which is just as well because the one disadvantage to creating great masterpieces in cardboard is that folk will not buy cardboard art. Well they will not buy cardboard art from the Monty Cardboard Robot Club, but then it is a cult organisation and in years to come folk will tell of the legends of its strange and eccentric members who skulked in the shadows of recycling skips discussing the quality of cardboard.

Today by the way has been relatively peaceful; if you ignore the fact huge machines have removed the planned hiding places of small children and Zombies (that’s small Zombies not large Zombies).  I have had a chat with Mrs E, the person formally known as Miss I who is planning to sign her name with a squiggly symbol until she has mastered writing her surname quickly.   And I have taught the Ghost Writer to paint the sea blue (actually he is rubbish at it) and I have looked for bats.   

Professor FrankenZompire and Mr Voodoo Vam Banshee's Mechanical Emporium of Amazing Contraptions Ltd

The Ghost Writer has got his car back today and it is working hunky dory again so he is very pleased, however he says that he was not expecting it to be turned into a fire breathing dragon by the garage, even though they were very reasonable with their charges. They told him that the modifications to turn the car into a large undulating fire breathing dragon were free and all part of their comprehensive service package. The Ghost Writer says all he really wanted was his car back as the modified vehicle is very unpractical and he is blaming the person who recommended this particular garage because he personally  had never heard of it before.

AH DAMN; as it happens it was me who told him to go to Professor Frankenzompire and Mr Voodoo VaM Banshee’s Mechanical Emporium of amazing contraptions Limited, as they are very friendly and always willing to help. Yes they do have a bit of a reputation for getting a little over enthusiastic in their work, but that is a positive thing when your car is poorly and needs to be fixed.  I guess I should have warned him they are rather keen on dragons though.

Still it is a cool car (dragon), although the police have told the Ghost Writer that the flames emitting from the mouth of the dragon are not legal.

I did not do a lot today, ate, painted and poked about in ditches with a pointy stick and cooked  marshmallow on the breath of a dragon car……..

The Hunt for Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls and a rocket made from parts from China

This morning I thought I would hunt Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls as it was rather warm; and in order to be able to sneak up on these terrible beasts I also thought the best thing to do was to disguise myself in such a way that the Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls would be unaware of my presence. In other words I disguised myself as a terrible beast that might eat bits of brain or feet.

Rob the Zombie

As I prowled round the village using cunning guile and stealth I sadly saw nothing, but I was aware that at least one of the Vampires, Zombies and Ghouls must be close by as I could hear people screaming and running off in all directions. I did try to ask a couple of the villagers about the beast but each time I approached them the terrible  Vampire, Zombie or Ghoul or what ever it was scared them off, a rather cunning plan if you ask me to stop me catching it.

Having returned home for lunch and having been told to go and wash I was forced to hunt the beast without the disguise in the afternoon but by then a large group of villagers were out with twelve bores and pointy sticks. They said the beast was horrific the scariest thing they had ever seen with huge eyes and pointy teeth and mad hair, apparently they said it looked just like the mad demented twin brother of me.  I am really annoyed I never got to see it, but when I told mum she said we were all IDIOTS?

Anyway despite the roasting humid evening I thought it best to do a bit more work on the Zombie defence system and even our friendly builder Mr Chris says he will call in next week to ensure that what ever terrible thing was prowling the gardens and woods it will not get to eat me.

A Rocket

AH yes something terrible happened yesterday you see dads rocket which will only ever be the second all British expedition to the moon has been criticised by Mr Addman and Mr Flip who have said that most of the rocket is made from Chinese sourced parts. They have (well that Mr Addman has) demanded that that we write on the side of the rocket Mainly constructed from parts manufactured in china. I did not have enough paint to do this, but in order to appease their concerns I managed to write A BIT CHINA on the side; I was planning on writing Chinese but ran out of space.

Tunnock Tea Cakes, a Unicycle, the Weather and the contradictions of BBC Radio 4

The day had its contradictions and it is entirely the man at the BBC’s fault on that Today programme on Radio 4 that is on in the morning, you see I was listening to the radio having a nice cup of tea and trying to get my head into a state on normality. It takes time for me to get to a state of normal in the morning, I am not one of these folk who wake up all chirpy and bouncy and get up singing and smiling, in fact I would say I have still not reached that point by the evening when I go to bed, I blame it on a day that needs to be longer. Right . . . . . . . . . back to this contradiction; as the voices from the radio penetrated my head I suddenly heard talk of the weather and that some scientists are saying that we can expect to have wet summers for at least the next ten years or maybe longer. Well that sort of woke me up, are they really serious, ten years of wet British summers, apparently it is something to do with a warming North Atlantic and the jet stream or the like and there was talk of some localized anomaly in Shropshire that so far has defied normal scientific principles.  Some scientist said for all the world he would swear someone had a weather machine but they all laughed at such a foolish idea.

The contradiction arises from the fact today was hot very very hot and dry probably the hottest day we have had in the nearly two years we have lived at this location. It is very off putting, I have been brought up to believe the BBC and the men/women of Radio Four (formally the home service) they are like the rock of world affairs the steady voice of reason and an unbiased voice among the thousands of other radio stations pumping out propaganda or rubbish or both. Anyway after listening to that I got up  . . . . . . . . DAMN I have written this much and all I have done is listen to the radio and got up…….. How did that happen? I think I need to fast forward to the end of the day

So there you go after the arms fell off the aliens body Esmeralda escaped and Mr Jones was super gluing the alien back together as evidence. Freddie and his ferrets were able to return the roller skates to their rightful owner and the council will be filling the large hole in sometime in the morning, luckily we all got out and did a runner before they turned up to assess the damage. As for the Goat he is limping slightly but it is his own fault, he was told that drinking petrol is fraught with dangers and just because a man on a unicycle can do it does not mean a goat has too, although I was impressed by the goats ability to ride the unicycle, its just a shame he did not work out how to stop it.

Oooo yes I got to eat five hundred  Tunnocks Tea Cakes in one go  . . . . . . . .WELL COOL although I feel a little sick . . . . . . . .. Mum says IDIOT

   

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