Double, double toil and trouble and Harry Potter and Crushed Velvet Sofa's

Last year on the run up to Halloween I did a quick re-write of a certain Shakespeare poem or was it Wordsworth or Jackson Pollock, and this was it. Now you might be thinking he is repeating stuff again (thats me not Jackson Pollock) but sadly today events have made it impossible to do anything else. Now I could just think sod it and not bother, but I am not that sort of chap so I am repeating stuff instead which is probably worse. It is a bit of culture though even if it is a bit like sticking a safety pin through the nose of the Mona Lisa painted, incidental between 1503 and 1517 by my old mate Leonardo who got a bit infatuated with the woman who worked at the local Spar shop and sold him Sherbet flying Saucers which in turn made him come up with his mad idea for a flying machine . . . . . Ooooooooo he was a bit of a one that Leonardo, it is probably best if we dont mention his drawings of body parts and his choice of soft furnishing for his own Drawing Room, I mean Pink and light Orange with grey crushed velvet . . . .    

AH I appear to have got a bit distracted OK back to that (repeated) Poem        

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn and caldron bubble.

Fillet of a fenny snake,

In Hogwarts caldron boil and bake;

Eye of Potter, and toe of frog,

Wizard’s hat, and tongue of dog,

Ron Weasley’s hair, and blind-worm's sting,

A wizards leg, and owlet's wing,—

For a charm of powerful trouble,

Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn, and caldron bubble.

"Mad-Eye" Moody’s hat; tooth of wolf;

Witches' mummy; maw and gulf

Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark;

Boot of Malfoy digg'd i the dark;

Liver of Mister Sirius Black;

Gall of goat, and horns of yak

Sliver'd in the moon's eclipse;

Nose of Turk, and Miss Grangers lips;

Finger of Albus Percival Brian Dumbledore

deliver'd by post, from the Argos Store

Make the gruel thick and slab:

Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,

For the ingrediants of Hogworts caldron.

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn and caldron bubble.

Cool it with Harry Potter’s blood,

Then the charm is firm and as much use as mud. 

HAH AH HA HAHah ha hahah ha ha h ha h hah hah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah hah ah ahah aha hahahahha ha ha hah ah  HAH AHAH AHAHAH AH AHAHAH HA HA HA AH AH AHA HA HA H AHA HA H AH AA  

The Devil is in the Detail and a Huge Hole

I could write loads but I have decided that tonight I will not, because I have been busy busy busy cutting chopping and moving stuff in the garden in readiness for the arrival of Chris the Digger and his Digger. I have plans to dig another hole because I like holes and it is all part of a great master plan, we should all have master plans and mine involve  huge holes where I will hide my secret base so I can take over the world in a coo-less pigeon (sorry a Political Coup).

Anyway I still have to fine tune my plans and as someone once said The Devil in in the Detail..

Yes sorry tonight picture was drawn in 10 minutes max so is a bit iffy. One could even say the Detail is not in the Devil. . . . 

     

The F Word. The Devil and a Moorhen

Well its over and we will not mention the F Word again . . . . . NO not that F Word, but the Football F Word. Now look I have mentioned it again and it is entirely the fault of you lot, but that is it once and for all (Well until next time).

So what happened today. . . . . . . I played football. . . . .HAH AH HA HA HA HAH HA hah ah ah ha ha ha ha ha hah ah a hah ah ah ah ahha hah ah ha haha hahah ah ah ah ah aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . . . . OK only kidding. No I woke up this morning to the voice of Radio Four and the Today programme; sometimes it is full of interesting snippets of information and news and sometimes it is not.  They waffled through the latest government reshuffle and the news that the folk of Gaza and Israel hate one another loads, well the powers at the top do; plus and the problems of loads of us getting old rather than dying just before we get to retire.

They then suddenly announced that the Church of England is doing away with the Devil, apparently he will no longer exist and we will just have evil instead. I am not entirely sure what it is connected with, but my old mate Napoleon Beelzebub (the Devil) will be well annoyed, you just cant go round saying he does not exist its not fair. After all he does not go round making folk be evil he just sort of smiles and prods them loads with pointy sticks when they turn up at the door in the afterlife.  As he says folk always say . . . . it was the devil he made me do it. . . . But they are lying he merely ensures they don’t have fun in the afterlife, and would argue that some folk would see him as very useful. There are some folk in the world who are simply bad and Mr Beelzebub ensures that they spent eternity NOT having a good time. OK he has nicked all the good music but that’s not his fault, God has always been a bit more Val Doonican than Ozzy Osbourne . . . .

Anyway as a sort of sign that I am entirely right when I got up and sat and ate my breakfast a Moorhen walked past the window and half an hour later I saw a Narrow-bordered Bee Hawk-moth. . . . . . . You can’t argue with that Church of England people, I think you need to give us back my old mate the devil (Napoleon Beelzebub).    

Medieval Defence Systems and shouting OOO YUCK DRACO LUCIUS MALFOY IS A ZOMBIE at a Partridge

Today saw the arrival of Chris the Builder who is making the final part of the Zombie defence system. This extra fence will cut off the entire back of the house recreating the old medieval defence system of having a stockade within a stockade, layering the defences. Modern Zombies are rubbish, a result of watching too much television although they seem to have turned out as the underdog among the many monsters as the likes of Vampires are seen as COOL these days. Zombies are not cool no one wants to be a Zombie anymore. Even Harry Potter and his mates would shout OOO Yuck Draco Lucius Malfoy is a Zombie then scurry off and hide in the forest; YES OK he was a Zombie but that is not the point. . . . . . Talking of which I appear to have wandered from mine a bit.

We also have a Bumble Bee nest in the garage at present and I saw a Leech this morning having a bit of a swim and two partridge shouting at Harry the Cat, maybe it was Malfoy impersonating a Partridge shouting at Harry the Cat thinking it was Harry Potter.  

And I did a bit more work on the door and I am sure there was something else I was planning to write about but I have forgotten so it was probably important. ... 

Ooooooo what is an underdog anyway, because if its under the dog it must be smallish as the term never crops up with a huge dog with loads of space under it . . . . . and what’s all this crops up stuff too are we talking about stealing carrots . . . . . the English language is rubbish.

And A Happy Birthday Miss Lily I hope your day has been OK. . . . . . .  

The Perils of life as a Parrot.

It appears that Sam the Parrot has been stolen from his home at Harry Tuffins Superstore in Churchstoke which may not seem like devastating news, but around here he is known to almost everyone, partly because he shouts at you when you enter the supermarket. In the old days he was free range and would laugh and bounce about as he snipped another finger off some unsuspecting small child, well he is a parrot after all.

Now there are some thefts in the world of crime that are just seen as bad form such as stealing from small children and little old ladies, as Benny Neckbender would say ITS not right stealing stuff from someones granny and such things are frowned on badly by decent upstanding criminals. However one of the lowest of the lows in this world of moral conflicts is stealing a mans parrot, since the days of pirates on the high seas it has been taboo to steal parrots and will result in bad karma (like seriously bad Karma). So if you are reading this and have a nicked parrot then I would say best to hand it back or Napoleon Beelzebub will be turning up saying WHOSE A pretty boy then something you really don’t want to hear from Satan.

The Ghost Writer however has a different theory, well he has two . .. . the first is :-

Not so long ago the Co-op took over the supermarket but not the whole of the building, so could not get rid of the parrot,  It is not in keeping with the multinational corporate image they like to portray to the masses and so they have hired a hit man to bump off the parrot. Possibly the famous hit man known to the world as, The Jackdaw like in the Movie……The Day of the Jackdaw.

The second theory is:-

Late at night in the dark; Harry Tuffins Superstore was in fact broken into by aliens. Since the store was empty there was no one to communicate with in the dark as they grabbed provisions then a voice said TAKE ME to your leader, well we all know Sam the Parrot loves to talk but saying take me to your leader to an Alien is foolish indeed. So Sam will be on an Alien Spacecraft somewhere.

Ooooo yes there is one further point to make and that is this is not the first time Sam has been stolen but last time the thieves were caught when Sam told the pet shop owner they were trying to sell him too that he was in fact Sam the Parrot and needed some help pronto.

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The so called Locked Double Helix State of Equilibrium.

It appears I am in a state of equilibrium, which is not good for my diary as it started when I was not fighting the masses hoards of the Zombies of Space, evil monsters from the far reaches of the universe hell bent on stealing the secret formula of Custard Creams, while two distracted men fight a dual on issues that I will not discuss here. But I think if I say Custard Creams and Jammy Dodger Biscuits I can be sure that 99.9999999 percent of the world’s population will not have a clue what I am talking about.

 This state of equilibrium also means I have not been making a twenty five foot (high not legs) steam powered penguin or fighting a huge man eating squid in the pond or teaching Gnats to fly in formation over the veggie patch in a re-enactment of the Battle of Britain, as it happens a gnat in a steep dive at full speed makes a rather good Junkers Ju 87 Stuka although that is not the point; none of this happened due to this damn state of equilibrium. I am not sure how long a state of equilibrium can last I have heard rumours of people trapped inside them for years on end, and that in the worst case a state of equilibrium can be created inside another state of equilibrium in the so called Locked Double Helix State of Equilibrium. 

I did get a small two stroke engine going today, went to the Castle of the Bishop briefly, put a bracket on a wall and cut some grass, poked a stick in a dark damp muddy hole and cut some hedge, but this is terrible what will that nice Steven Spielberg say when I should be climbing wild unclimbed things and saving Custard Creams.  I will need to puncture the fabric of the state of equilibrium tomorrow or I may be doomed to a life of doom.  I may go and help the Ghost Writer turn radiograms into Elvis, no sorry I mean a super gaming computer.

Steven Spielberg and The Pit of DOOM

You are all going to moan a lot but I intend to start today’s diary with a bit of weather news, yes yes  go on then all moan then, but there is a reason because here at least all the snow has finally gone. But it has not been a great day, because we started with loads of sun WOW SUN and after breakfast it was suggested that maybe a nice trip into a large muddy hole might be a great way to spend the day . . . . . .AH DAMN.  I tried the re-enactment of the film Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where I was planning to be Mr Jones, only Mr Jones the alien hunter said he should really be Mr Jones. I did point out he did not have a hat or any other clothes for that matter and he also said he was not getting into the muddy cold wet hole, as he is expecting more aliens very soon. It appears spring is a good time for aliens as they migrate north across the milky way back to planets that are starting to get closer to the geometric-centre of the universe and everything.

Hang on none of this is important, because as I was saying I was in a muddy hole looking for ancient artefacts in an effort to re-enact the film Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and it was not fairing well particularly when it started to blow a gale and rain very hard (I hate hard rain) so in the end the re-enactment turned in the abbreviated film DOOM or possibly The Creature From the Black Lagoon. That happened when the neighbours saw me heading back to the house covered in mud and slime; they screamed a lot locking themselves in their garden shed shouting DON’T EAT US. Luckily the dog recognised me, well the hat anyway so I managed to get in. Then the sun came out again but before I was sent back into the muddy hole it rained again, followed by sun then rain and so on all day long, it was very confusing and it was and is still cold.

So I have now stopped and am on strike, I think as and when I am sent down into the muddy hole again I need to think of some more films to re enact like The Pit and the Pendulum or Watership Down (a muddy hole).  . . .HAH AHHAH HHAH HAH hah ah hah ah ahah haha

I really don’t know what has happened to that very nice Steven Spielberg these days, he keeps making the wrong movie, my agent has been back in contact again although I think calling Mr Spielberg an IDIOT was a bit of an error (I’m really sorry Mr Spielberg you are a very nice man my agent is a bit hot headed).

   

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The Grim Reaper, Goats, The End of the World, The supermarket and the Chinese takeaway

There is one thing that I think we can be sure of in this part of the world for sure, and that is what ever happens with the End of the World it will not involve fire and brimstone because even an entire coach load of boy scouts with their fire making badges could not set fire to anything at present. Not even an object that has Highly Inflammable Keep away from Boy Scouts with Badgers (sorry Badges) and Matches written in huge red letter on the side.

Mum and dad said they wanted to pop to the supermarket for a few items today which at face value seemed like madness, but surprisingly worked out OK. They think there were a couple of reasons for this, firstly sheer good luck; that always helps a lot and although in general terms we are not the luckiest of people every now and again something small will go our way. Then making sure they were wearing the appropriate clothing made a huge difference, Bearing in mind the main topic of discussion this week (the 21^st December and the End of the World) they both dressed up as The Grim Reaper.

Yes I think as lots of people are starting to get twitchy about the increased possibility that based on the law of probabilities sooner or later some mad loony will finally predict Armageddon on the right date. So as you might expect of an already nervous crowd in a crowded supermarket seeing The Grim Reaper smiling back at you as you attempt to push your trolley into the frozen food aisles (party nibbles section) it can be a little off putting and lead to a smallish stampede. Add to that the sight of another Grim Reaper (dad) throwing cheese slices at little old ladies with a parrot on his shoulder disguised as a gull, and a small stampede quickly becomes a mass riot as the masses flee from the store clutching frozen turkeys and Christmas crackers (not the ones you put cheese slices on). As dad said when he arrived home he might go shopping as the Grim Reader more often, possibly the January sales if we have not all been destroyed by aliens.

The one good thing that came out of this event was that the school goats last trip on his Steam Powered Catapult before Christmas was today, and his arrival through the skylight was timed to perfection and he was able to graze happily on fresh Brussel Sprouts for ages. I think goats are one of the few animals that eat Brussel Sprouts so he was very happy, however Brussel Sprouts can give goat’s bad wind and a goat with bad wind is bad, so I don’t think any self respecting alien will go near him tomorrow.

We are having a Chinese as our evening meal tonight from the Chinese take away and although not as Chinese as say Captain Nessman’s Chinese Christmas dinner it is still WELL YUM and a fitting way to end the last day before the arrival of Intergalactic Cheese Slices, Space Gulls and Aliens. 

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Craft Fairs and Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop

When Napoleon Beelzebub closed Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop he left us a selection of stock, a fair bit of which was aimed at the Christmas market. He told us that down in the eternal depths of Dante’s Inferno which he prides himself on keeping snug and warm for his guests, he says that he has never had a complaint that anyone is feeling cold. OK he did just the once when one of the guests made the mistake of being sarcastic so he moved then to a warmer room until they agreed that humour was not conducive with damnation.  Sorry distracted again; He says that Christmas much like sarcasm and humour is not good for the general ambience of Hell and it would only lead to trouble if the punters started to like it. I think that is something we can all agree about, hell nice that is totally wrong. OK what was I saying; yes we have all this stuff so today we were at a craft fair in Marton along with our good friend Miss Sally of The Sun (not the big glowing one in the sky that someone has nicked).

Tonight picture was drawn on a carrier bag which explains why it looks a bit odd. . . .Sorry 

The weather was to say the least rather rotten but despite this several of the old customers of  Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop turned up to see us and say hello, including Mrs Baker the headmaster (not my headmaster as he is mad, Mrs Baker is not mad, she is well cool for a headmaster). Anyway it was lovely to see some of the old regulars and it turned into a very successful event for us.  It was rather wet heading home and we appear to all be vanishing under water in the UK at present, still the long range forecast this morning was predicting minus fifteen and loads of snow. I am not sure just how long term that forecast is as it sounds like the next ice age to me . . . . . . . . . . .WELL COOL.

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The Pre before the Preview before the Post Preview. Time does Fly

Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop closed way back at the end of March his vast subterranean labyrinth of floors and chambers where the bulk of his extensive collection of objects were kept mysteriously vanishing back into the depths of his domain. For now anyway until a time that Mr Beelzebub calls Global Warming with Pointy teeth (none of that mandy-pamby half baked Global Warming). 

It has (his domain) all been scrubbed and cleaned by his minions, if they did a good job they were allowed a glass of water before being dipped in the cauldron full of bubbling molten rabbits?

Anyway the reason I mention this is we are off to the little gallery that has now moved into this shop, to an exhibition preview tonight. I did not have to make invites and I don’t need to remember anyone’s name or circulate and get confused……WELL COOL.

 However before we go we plan to stop in Bishops Castle to do a bit of this and a bit of that, as you do in this part of the world. So I am splitting tonight’s diary entry into a pre preview and post preview, this bit being the pre, so I will go now and return in the post ( I don’t mean the postman will squeeze me though the letterbox either).

PART TWO ......................... LATER

………………………… A bit Later

We have returned from the preview so I am now in the post preview position allowing me to bring you all right up to date. It all looked like it was going really well and loads of folk had turned up, I even knew the names of quite a lot of them although there were people who I didn’t know the name of but then I don’t think they knew who I was…… WELL COOL.

I did notice one omission from the Preview something my good friend Napoleon Beelzebub always made sure was at all previews because he knew that there was a little gang of us who just loved them and would sign all those contracts he used to stick in front of folk when they were otherwise distracted by the aroma and taste of these little sticks of addictive deliciousness, yes there were no TWIGLETS………. Yes it was a bit of a shock so in order to recover from this I took a chance and ventured into the Monty chip shop and had some fairly good fish and chips. Not as good as The Sun Inn in Marton or Big Bills Greasy Fur-ball Café but not too bad for a chippy.

However I have eaten everything now drank a drink of tea and plan to put my feet up, if only I could get my hands on a few packets of TWIGLETS I could sit and eat all night, I wonder if moths taste the same, the cat eats them from time to time.

YUCK apparently not………… Mum has just said IDIOT

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Steven Spielberg, eye tests, cars and The Inland Revenue

Several things have happened today, OK not very exciting things bearing in mind this online diary in its various formats is the basis of a forthcoming Steven Spielberg film based on the block buster best selling books (yes we are getting towards the end of book two, sort of). The first thing is the weather has been rather wet, mmmmmm very wet, just think that only a few days ago we were all desperate for some cooler weather and today was like the worse day in December.  This is classic British weather at its best, love it or hate it (OK just hate it), but it is why we (us Brits) are so boring when we discuss the weather.

As you all know the paperwork for Mr Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Curiosity Shop has all been completed now and today it was delivered to the accountant in order to keep the Inland Revenue happy, To tell the truth it is better if the tax man is not smiling at you, dad always says if the tax man is smiling make sure the flamethrower  is to hand in order to defend yourself. Or get Benny Neckbender to make a load of money sharpish, which at present is not an option as he is on holiday with the queen, and some IDIOT accidently let slip about today’s escape plan in his diary (sorry Benny).

I went for an eye test today, everyone says that they can only assume I have really bad eye sight at present or I would not write complete rubbish and make so many mistakes writing complete rubbish.  The Optician says that my eye sight has not changed that much it is still rubbish; and without my glasses on I could not see the board with the letters on to tell him what the letters are. As it happened I could not see him either so it took a few minutes to realize it was him telling me to read the letters, not a passing stranger.  I have learn that what ever I do I don’t take my glasses off these days, because I cant find them again to put them back on in order to see them to put them on.  So my eye sight is OK with my glasses on.

Then we all went off to get dads prescription from the doctors, it is apparently something that happens as you get older, at some point a doctor will go AH you need to take one of these every day. Then by the time you get to great great grannies age you get a huge jar of assorted tablets that you pick and mix because you can’t remember what is for what or when you are meant to take them. It appears great great granny knows she has nine or was it nineteen pills a day but it appears that it is then pot luck it could be nine of anything, I am told that this is quiet normal after a certain age and most pensioners are downing an unknown assortment of pills with a glass a economy whiskey most evening all over the western world.

OK I better go but I also bought more stone effect paint today and went to see family members with a car that is OK but only when it is not moving. There are apparently lots of cars like this in the world that are a bit dodgy like great great granny and only any good when the don’t move much. 

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By the way I feel I should mention that this is post number 500 so I am personally quite impressed with that. As some of you know the aim to to reach a total of one million words and I think I am about a third of the way to achieving that. I then plan to stop but we will see, I need to get there first

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Britain's Got Talent, the dog and the Chicken

I was at a table top sale this morning in the village hall, we were selling a few fragments of things to the punters from Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. Mr Beelzebub said he really did not want to take some of the little things down in the dungeons with him. Things like posh bars of soap, as he said, “When you are bathing in the eternal flames of damnation the last thing you need is a nice creamy soapy lather to keep your skin soft, particularly when most of it has be burnt off”. So mum was shifting a few items in our quirky village event.

 As it happened me and the dog got wind of a chicken, we like chicken and both thought WELL COOL Sunday roast, YUM. The dog in particular was very pleased because we heard; well were told by one of the stall holders that a dog won “Britain’s Got Talent”, which is some TV show that people watch for some reason. The reason the dog was pleased was he had a bet on at the local betting shop that the dog would win because as he put it “Even a dog that can not speak Latin or do Maths is going to be more talented that most humans, they are rubbish”. Yes the dog is like that just because he can speak Latin, Japanese and invented the perpetual motion machine, and does my maths homework, although it is best it I don’t mention that in my diary….. …… ….. AH.

When Blogs work together then things can be awesome. 

Many Thanks Mr ESB, fellow member of RATs 

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My World My Words My Worries

Sorry distracted, back to the chicken, I didn’t get to see the chicken as I was told it was safe in its cage but I could make an offer so I started at twenty five pence. But I ended up in a bidding war with an anonymous bidder and ended up paying thirty five thousand eight hundred and sixteen pounds and twenty eight pence for the chicken. I have been warned about getting carried away in auction biding wars before and mum said I was an IDIOT, I think she might be right it is rather a lot for a chicken.

Two things made the situation slightly worse, the first of which it appears the other bidder was the dog, Secondly the chicken is a knitted soft toy and I can’t eat it. The only remotely redeeming thing is it is a bit cute and it apparently likes one or two blogs including mine.

Still that’s six months pocket money blown just like that.

The dog has suggested that we enter the chicken into next years “Britain’s Got Talent TV show” but the chicken is protesting and says he has got standards to maintain. 

Ooooooo by the way we are about to blow today's profit in a decadent Chinese takeaway meal YUM 

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The last day of Napoleon Beelzebubs Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop

Today turned into a very busy day indeed as it was the last open day (to the public) of Napoleon Beelzebubs Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop and lots of the regulars turned up to eat cake, drink tea, coffee and wine and generally have a good time and it was very busy. Even Miss Fionaski the famous Russian Spy, Auntie Karen and Ian the Musical Hat Maker and Mr Charlie and Miss Jane came to say farewell. Unfortunately I was on drinks duty and I did sort of loose the plot.

I am OK with drinks and nibbles for say a hundred but after about two hundred people my brains blurs. Luckily Ian the Musical Hat Maker being a famous rock star back in the days when famous rock stars we proper rocks stars was able to entertain the masses with his wit and charm (not my shrunken head with the snakes body charm by the way).  So while I got the coffee, wine and orange juice all a bit mixed up, the man who had the strong black orange juice with a little milk and three sugars was well confused; Mr Ian told the masses of his exploits travelling across America as a rock god. 

By the end of the day we were to put it bluntly WELL KNACKERED and so have had a rather nice Indian takeaway from the rather nice Indian in Monty and are all planning to chill tonight and maybe even tomorrow.

Finally after my short preamble into the letter “A” yesterday I am by request attempting the letter “B” today…… Why Because HAH AHHAH HAH AHHAHA HAH HHA HAH hah hah hah hah hahhahah hah

Big bad brown blue eyed bear was borrowing Brian’s brains to bath a bandicoot from Borneo. When I say Borrow I refer to Brian’s advice but there are no B’s in advice so BUM. Talking of B’s I saw Bees in a blueberry bush in the back yard but bees buzz too much so I bought a Bollywood movie called Booooooo and shouted Boooooo that made the Bees Buzzzz off Back Home to Barmouth Beach 

My very good friend Ian the Musical Hat Maker who with his new knees is now one inch taller and can leap about again WELL COOL

The last week of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop

I have been pottering about in cyberspace and have suddenly realized that it is well past 9:00pm and I have not even thought about what I am going to write tonight, and I am eating chocolate mini-rolls and drinking tea.  As it happens this situation is not as bad as it may seem as I seldom have a clue what I will write even as I write it. I keep hearing; plan your story if you are going to write a book, but I think Nnnnaaaaaaaa I will work on the chaos theory (as discussed sometime ago) and all will be well.

Dad had to go off to the Kwik-fit man in Newtown to have his tyre pressures checked because Kwik-fit use Nitrogen not air to fill the tyres. It is a cunning plan because no one else does that, so you have to go back to them to get them checked, he also had a dipped headlight needing replacing and wiper blades.

Now all this seems rather dull and boring but there is one interesting thing here, it is surprising how many cars have headlights and side lights that don’t work at this time of year. It is not particularly cold so why is it that in January and February in the UK it is rather common to find vehicles with duff lights. The dog says it is just the fact they are on more in winter, but is that true, those Volvo’s have lights on come what may (MAY HAH HAHAHHAH HAH HAHah haha hahh aha  OK sorry) and even dad drives with lights on most of the year. That was just a small observation on the world in passing. I am not sure the nice Steven Spielberg would be interested when making the epic movie. Although Close Encounters of the Third Kind would be rubbish if the sidelights and headlights had not been working.

My rather good professional proof reader for the manuscript of the block buster movie, is still having to travel to hospital each day where her partner is very poorly. But we did get a little more news tonight.

And one week today exactly will be the last day of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop, the stock is vanishing rather fast at present but as he says WE DON’T WANT NICE STUFF ENDING UP DOWN IN THE UNDERWORLD SPOILING MY INMATES SORRY GUESTS. He is planning to have homemade cake and wine and nibbles on the last Saturday to say farewell to all the regulars, as he thinks most of them will avoid ending up back with him later.  Then once he sorts things out he is off to talk to yet another Middle Eastern leader about their future in Hell. What is it with politic leaders of countries? Surely one day someone nice will turn up somewhere, Maybe I should consider ruling the world……. ………. ……….. ……… .Mum just said IDIOT…….. ……OK maybe I will just hide in a classic 1970’s bungalow in the hills.

Right that’s it for tonight just a quick read to see if it makes sense ………. Mum said IDIOT again now? ……… 

Done 

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Lean, Mean and concise and every word entirely plausible ....... The End

It might just be that references to obscure mathematical paradoxes in my diary may confuse folk a little so tonight we are playing by the rules, no messing about and just telling it as it is. When I say as IT is I am not referring to the letters eye or tea as in IT more IT as the general series of events as they happened in the day. By doing this, it not only makes the diary a good deal more understandable, but also a good deal shorter. The dog has added a good deal more boring.

So you can see we are off to a great start every word entirely plausible when I say plausible I mean true. Most of what I write is true but sometimes it may not seem plausible. Anyway tonight it is lean and mean so I better get on with it.

Got up

Had wash

Got dressed

Had breakfast

Fell over cats

Fell over dog

Got in car

Went to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop (to deliver mum)

Moved boxes

Had a general discussion with customers about the imminent closure of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop for ever

Got in car

Hot wired car

Got out of car (I was in the wrong car)

Got in right car

Went home

Painted wall blue (the bits I missed that show up when the sun comes out)

Got paint brush stuck in cats fur

Got paint brush out of cat

Got in car

Went to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop (to collect mum)

Got out of car

Bought cat food, milk, yummy food, stuff

Got in car

Went home

Switched on computer

Drank tea

Pointed at cats and dog

Stuff

Other stuff

More stuff

Wrote diary

Moaned at dog for saying diary entry today is WELL BORING

Mum said IDIOT

Posted Diary Entry

End (only todays entry not the end of the diary)

PHEW

Ooooo and an email from Auntie Karen who is planning to retire and live off the Royalties of Ian the Musical Hat Makers Albums

The End again (almost back in a bit)

FOOD YUM

Eat food

Wash dishes

The END …….No it really is.

.

that nice chap Steven Spielberg loves a good movie about Aliens that eat Badgers and Budgerigars, I think?

I was helping Napoleon Beelzebub remove Christmas from his shop, well most of it as the Angel of the Norse is still in the window for the moment. Anyway he has announced that he will be closing Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop next year and moving on. It appears that all in all he is not entirely happy with all the uncertainty of the shops future, and all that being nice to the public etc.

For one the landlord discovered that he has excavated at least seventy five floors of cellar below the building to house all the stock and that it is rather hot down there. Mr Beelzebub has even offered the landlord a permanent room down at the bottom, but he is insisting that the whole cellar complex is filled in. Well that’s not very nice is it?  So come the end of February his shop will close and it will be decorated and returned to normal during March so that the landlord can do with it as he pleases. It appears that he wishes to sell the building, and Napoleon Beelzebub says he has things to do and people to meet (sorry eat) so it is time.

Mum and dad say they plan to become Eco Warriors this coming year which is WELL COOL, I have asked dad if I can help make the weapons, like the steam powered crossbows with laser tipped arrows before we invade the fortress castle of Eco deep in the woods. Mum said IDIOT apparently the dog was not entirely telling me the truth. In fact it turns out the dog also started the rumour about Turkeys being a male chicken, and that his eyes steam up when he drinks hot Vodka (sorry tea). I think the dog is taking revenge for not getting to do interesting things in the diary lately and recons we need to get in the woods and find the Badger Eating Alien Zombies. The dog says that would make a great movie and that nice chap Steven Spielberg loves Aliens that eat Badgers and Budgerigars WHAT????? 

Sooty the Cat hunting things

       

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The bird table the pond and the Badgers.

Tonight (Thursday night) was  the last late night shopping opportunity to have got all those really interesting Christmas presents, in the evening at least, at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. He says he is planning to have a quiet Christmas with his mates The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  Eat a bit too much, drink a bit too much and maybe mess with the Euro a bit more next year for a bit of fun.

Anyway I did manage to wrap a present today and also get half the bird table out of the pond, It was the big half and luckily it is not broken, It is a ceramic bird table and when we got up this morning it had vanished. The suspicion is that it was pushed into the pond by Badgers, probably because it has images of fish on the side of it and the Badgers thought they were saving the fish. Badgers are as blind as bats but cant fly and catch insects like bats but then bats can’t push over bird tables well not ceramic ones with fish on the side.

We now have to find a way to find the top of the bird table. The dog has suggested we add weights to the cats and throw them in and then only allow them out once they appear in the shallow end with the rest of the bird table.  I don’t think mum approved of that plan because she hit the dog with the armadillo toaster and said IDIOT.

Oooo yes two final things to mention Thursday night late night shopping means Chip Butties YUM and I am feeling just a little better than I did last night so with luck the head cold is slowly going, still there is always the risk of man flu with us chaps because chaps get man flu. I am told by men that man flu is one of the great burdens of being a man and women just don’t understand. Mum just said IDIOT so that last bit must be true. 

the first snow of winter, the Yeti? and the The Angel of the Norse

The day started with snow, well cool although not enough to make a snow man or use the jet powered sledge in the field next to the house but the dog said he saw a Yeti or a Big-foot or something like that. And mum said something shot past her really fast this morning and vanished out of the cat flap. Would a Yeti get through a cat flap?

Sadly by the time I arrived at school the snow was just a wet soggy mass on the ground (OK I know that is what snow is, what I mean is it was slushy and YUK).  School was a bit slushy and YUK too today but that happens to the best of schools it can’t be helped, I did tell the headmaster it was not his fault the school was slushy and YUK today but he said IDIOT. That is hardly a friendly response is it.

I found out late yesterday that Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop won the Montgomery Christmas window competition …… I thought that was good but Mr Beelzebub says it is all a bit suspect as the judging papers have been nobbled (that’s sort of changed to those of you who are international readers) and he says it was our turn this year as it is a done deal and we all have to win in turn and one of the little old ladies made a mistake, so the judging card was nobbled (adjusted due to a technical error as it was put). Still I get a prize as I made the Angel of the Norse, it is The Angel of the Norse and a jelly bean, only I made The Angel of the Norse. So I plan to bury the jelly bean in the garden just on the off chance that it might be magic and keep my fingers crossed it will not be eaten by Badges, Badgers like jelly beans so I have found out after that long fight in the Badger set.

We also got our Christmas tree and I finally found ………………..  NO not them, but the charger for the camera so I can take pics again.

Oooooo by the way the Indian last night was ….Well Cool or as it actually was, Hot, but it was rather Yummy. The dog says it is great substitute on the roads when the council runs out of grit when there is ice or snow, although you must never use the Nan bread as it only makes the roads even more slippy.  Yet another useful Christmas tip if you get fed up with Turkey curry after the big day.

Our Classic Seventies Bungalow

The Winning Christmas Window in Montgomery

The view this morning while eating Coco pops YUM

Mr Putin and the Russian Presidential Elections, and Basil Rathbone

I have noticed on the news that Mr Putin the well know Russian chap who has been resting while he let others take the helm of the great Russian state ( Hang on what is that up there with wings, very strange looks just like a pig to me; WOW), is about to re-enter the world of politics. 

Anyway he is back doing things to help promote his efforts to return as President Putin including according to my friend Basil nicknamed after Basil Rathbone because his dad is always stalking deer and Basil is rather good at elementary stuff like what’s on.  

Anyway back to Russia according to Basil Mr Putin has been seen singing and dancing on the roof of a very well known hotel in Moscow as part of a promotional re-enactment of a very popular Fred Astaire movie.  However mum says Basil is an IDIOT and after all she is a Russian spy and nuclear scientist …….. Although I am not allowed to mention that am I……. AH  

I am off out ofter late night shopping at Napoleon Beelzebubs Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop to have a curry so thought I would do an early diary entry. Only I have not done much today except make an L shape.

Italy and the Euro-zone, the European Central Bank. Nero and hot crumpets and butter

Well we are back a bit late tonight because it was late night shopping in Montgomery tonight so we have been helping Napoleon Beelzebub in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. What with all the mass’s doing their Christmas shopping. Only no one came in, well one person came in to say hello and pay for an item they had bought earlier so we ate chips from the chip shop and hot crumpets and butter while Rome burned?

Well that’s what Mr Beelzebub said but I was a bit confused as we are not in Rome and I don’t think its on fire, well not to my knowledge but them Mr Beelzebub knows a lot more than me about things burning. Still the hot crumpets were well yummy and so were the chip butties.

It will be late night shopping next week again on Thursday evening until 8:00pm in Montgomery so it will be interesting to see if Rome burns again.

Apparently it is some obscure satirical joke based on the economic climate of Italy and the Euro zone and the impending collapse of the Euro after the default of Italy on its debts due to increased interest rates by the Central European Bank or is it the European Central Bank. I didn’t know that but the dog says they plan to rename the Euro the Nero afterwards in recognition of the part that Rome will play it the Euro’s destruction. Mum has now told the dog and Mr Beelzebub off for ruining a good diary with politics and economics.  I quite agree; thank God no one has mentioned religion …. HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha hah ahhaha hahh hah haha hahh hah ah ahahah hah hah hah  …..OK mum has said IDIOT now, Still the last thing we need at Christmas time is religion on top of all those other things going on. PHEW.