Jasper James . . . . The A to Z of Slightly Strange Unknown Victorian Inventors and Explorers

Jasper James

Having made his name as a prize-fighter in the darker corners of Victorian England, Jasper James knew that he needed to retire when he was beaten by the son of Benny (Grizzly) Knuckle-bender, who was the man he originally won the prestigious Shorthill Belt from many years earlier.  And he was certainly not someone you would expect to invent a device such as the James Juxtaposing Jumbling Machine.  It was the very first mechanical device to use a sliding integrated diminished scissor action to create a self selecting binary IF switch. And that alone meant that among his peers in the world of Victorian inventors he was looked upon with much reverence and admiration.

Unfortunately Jasper James never appeared to entirely understand his own invention or the simple paradox that its design signified to the great minds of the time. And a curious reporter from The Times Newspaper discovered that the James Juxtaposing Jumbling Machine was in fact invented by a school boy who wanted to become a great boxing legend. And it turned out Jasper James tricked him into handing over his device which he had made as a fourth year school project in metalwork.

Sadly the young school boy was a terrible boxer and had to settle for a life of science at Oxford University. As for Jasper James after the news that he did not actually invent his own invention he became a pet shop owner and spent the rest of his days breeding goldfish. . 

A quiet day

I have had a quietish day today which involved two wheels, a long device that cuts things, but it refused to start,  a few hungry goldfish I am trying to turn into the longest goldfish in the world and a man who said I could have 17 tyres. 

However I am also somewhat tired (not tyred) so I have decided to do what I did the other night and recycle an old post. I have written over one thousand posts so a bit of recycling is a cunning trick. Lets face it at least fifty percent of all television is recycled and no one complains, OK yes everyone complains but it still happens so it will still happen here.

So here we have an old fairy tale one I wrote when I was desperate as nothing had happened that day and I just started typing as I do sometimes (OK always). . . Well I mean who really knows what they are going to write before they write it. . . . NO one  . . . . NO I dont believe you, you make it up just like me.

Ooooo yes I have to collect President Putin tomorrow.

Ooooooooo again. . . . It appears that while I have been typing this, a car has crashed and rolled at the end of our drive. I have just been up to see what happened but the fire engine police ambulance and all the neighbours are there so I have returned home.  I never heard a thing and only a phone call and lots of blue lights alerted us to the events. But there are lots of folk there and one more spectator is not required.  

My Trusty White Falcon 

 The Greatest Fairy Tale of all time

Icy Black and the Seven Giants

Once upon a time there was a grumpy young prince called Icy Black who would wander about the castle of his step-father the King muttering and complaining at crows and seagulls and some of the servants; who would say things like if you grump like that young master Black the wind will change direction and you will be grumpy for life and look like a big Frog. Prince Icy Black would always shout GOOD and stamp about until someone gave him ice cream to keep him quiet. His step-father, King Arthur had a large round table (a talking table) and each day he would ask it table,table in the hall who is the happiest of them all, and the table would always say KING ARTHUR.

Then as Prince Icy Black got older he started to really get on the nerves of everyone with his constant grumpiness and then one day when King Arthur said table,table in the hall who is the happiest of them all the table said Boris the Greengrocer, the King was shocked and asked the table why and of course it was because after nineteen years of grumpiness Prince Icy Black was making everyone unhappy. 

The King thought OK I have had enough of this and sent Prince Icy Black into the forest and gave the nod to the knights to sort of chop his head off. But once in the forest Prince Icy Black complained so much the knights forgot about killing him and stuck cotton wool in their ears and ran back to the castle.

Then as it got dark and prince Icy Black was moaning he was cold and hungry he came across a huge house, as he pushed the door open he was confronted by seven giants who looked at him and complained and grumped for at least an hour about strangers turning up and leaving doors open and not wearing matching shoes.

It turned out that the seven giants were even grumpier than Prince Icy Black which made him very happy so it was a bit of a shock several weeks later when King Arthur asked the round table table,table in the hall who is the happiest of them all the table said Prince Icy Black. Everyone at the castle thought O NO he might come back so a plot was hatched and an apple was laced with a magic sleeping potion and one of the knights returned to the forest where he made a tower of five apples outside the house of the seven giants. Of course Prince Icy Black could not resist saying he was going to eat the bottom apple destroying the tower, but as he did so he fell asleep and snored really loudly.

When the seven giants returned from their day job of guarding a small village from a group of Japanese samurai bandits they thought, we cant cope with all that snoring so put Prince Icy Black in a sound proof glass box in the woods.  As time passed everyone lived happily until one day a passing princess saw Prince Icy Black and thought Ooooooo I know I will kiss him, and all in an instant he turned into a huge frog and got in a right strop leaping about shouting, so the princess ran off. After chewing a few flies Prince Icy Black thought I know I will go and see King Arthur he will be pleased to see me.

The End . . . . . . . . . . . . Or is it

1 Bugatti, 24 goldfish and 1000 coat hangers

Yesterday as I told a handful of folk well maybe two. . . . as all the other folk were busy apparently they had hair to wash and paint to watch dry, or a an ant to race in an ant race through the maze of eternal confusion at 25 to 1 odds on; I was too tired to post because of the Bugatti and the 24 goldfish.  Today as you might expect those folk are keen to know exactly what I was up to that involved 24 goldfish and a Bugatti, well you would expect that only they are not really interested at all. This is no reason though not to tell you what I was doing and why I was very tired.

It started with a mad rush to help Miss Issy in the charity shop in the great Metropolis of Welshpool where I was allocated the cellar as it was felt I might be better down there away from customers. OK a couple of them did peer down and say OOOOOOo she’s right there is a monster in the cellar, I never saw it mind you?

Then I found the Bugatti, not the car but the clothing, I never knew they did clothing, but it seems they do and it (a jacket) fitted rather well so I bought it. So I am now the proud owner of a Bugatti WELL COOL. I also threw out about 1000 coat hangers . . . . . NO its true that place is overloaded with coat hangers.

After that Auntie Karen and Ian the Musical Hat Maker and Rock Star called in to say hello so we all stopped for tea and coffee and said rude things about certain politicians with a vague link to the local area and then all tried on clothing, Mr Ian finding a rather nice Dinner jacket for himself enhancing his rugged cool rock star image. . . .

Then after the shop closed I had to save 24 goldfish from the Ghost Writer who had received them as an early Father’s Day gift. He was discussing the options of fried or curried so it was felt he may have got the wrong idea about the gift and they needed to be rescued from his oven pronto. He had named them all either Pi, Cake or Supper so the fish are now safe but may need to talk to a therapist for anxiety.

Anyway after all that it was no surprise I was tired, I was better today as it was rather a nice day and so I was able to introduce the fish to the Steam Powered Duck and attempt Leech juggling  . . . . . . . . . Don’t try Leech juggling I don’t recommend it.

Ian the Musical Hat Maker

(A US N01 in its day)