H means its time for Harpies, Hercules and Hungarians

OK?

OK . . . thats better its one of those fairy tails from back in 2013 because I am still busy  as it happens I am off getting wood screws and the like to continue building my rather interesting summerhouse with towers and stuff. Yes it is far too complex and it taking ages too build, but that is the sort of chap I am, I am not going to do stuff the easy way OOOooooo No.

H Harpies, Hercules and Hungarians 

We have all HEARD of the HARPIES, the daughters of Thaumas and Electra who would be very naughty and HAD a HABIT of stealing all the food of Phineus, the king of Thrace, things like HALIBUT, HERRING, HOTDOGS, HAGGIS, and HAM sandwiches, but few have HEARD of HENRIETTA the HAPPY HARPIE. HORRIFIED by the HORRENDOUS HABITS of her sisters (the three other HARPIES). HENRIETTA the HARPIE HID in the HILLS and HELPED HUMBLE HOBBITS to tie their HOBNAIL boots up and HELP HEDGEHOGS to cross the road, and HOOVER and trim HEDGES. Then one day her sisters said they were HAVING a HOLIDAY and would visit HENRIETTA at her HOME in the HILLS . . . . . .HELP thought HENRIETTA who knew the HOBBITS and HEDGEHOGS were HARDLY going to be HAPPY so she HATCHED a plan. She invited HERCULES, HOMER and HORUS to her HOUSE.

When the HARBINGERS of HORROR and HAZARDOUS HAZARDS arrived at the HOME of HENRIETTA the HAPPY HARPIE to HARASS HER she introduced HOMER who said he would read HISTORY for HOURS and HOURS to the three HARPIES to HELP. Then HORUS HOWLED from the HUT on the HILLSIDE, the three HARPIES do not like HORUS because HE’S HALF a HAWK and HALF an Egyptian HIEROGLYPHIC and HE HOWLS better than they do.  Then HERCULES (famous for his fight with the HYDRA) wearing a HANDMADE HAT and HOOLA skirt offered them HOT chocolate and HOBNOBS, apparently HARPIES HATE HOBNOBS.

                    

To make matters worse for the three  HORRIBLE HARPIES, a HERD of HYENA and a  HUGE HUSKY started to laugh HYSTERICALLY at them, so the three HORRID HARPIES said our HEADS HURT we HAVE HAD enough of this HULLABALLOO we are HEADING HOME to HAMPSTEAD HEATH.

As they flew HOME they were tempted to HARASS a group of tourists on HOLIDAY at a HOTEL and stole all their HAMBURGERS, but even this did not go as planned as the HOTELS guests were HUNGARIAN tourists who set fire to the three HARPIES. After all, if there is one thing we all know, it is that HUNGARIANS love a big  HOT bowl of HUNGARIAN GHOUL-ASH……… HA HA HA HA HAH HAH AH haha hh haha hah hah hhah ahahah ahah ah h haha haha ha hahaha hahahahahaha hahaha

And the three HORRID HARPIES were never seen again.

The END

                    

G is for Poetry that ends in G

A
Poetry is easy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . or so some say

So through the ALPHABET . . . . . .I will play

Starting right here . . . here with the letter A

AND a rather silly nonsense poem, to end the day.

So to the distant sound of a mad dogs bark.

I’ll start AT the start with thee AARDVARK.

AH

DAMN.

B

The BEE and the BEAR met a BEAVER

Who looked rather aggressive with a large meat cleaver?

He shouted be gone, BACK off, and leave me BE

I’m BUSY chopping down, this BIG tree.

So the BEE he BUZZED and the BEAR he growled

And a BANSHEE somewhere BEHIND them howled

And that then made the mad dog BARK

Then what turned up BUT another Aardvark

AH

DAMN (again)

C

Here we are by the C

All blue and wavy and a little wet maybe

With CATERPILLARS CUTE and CUDL-EEE. . . (No its not CHEATING)

And we all run about on the COUNT of three.

As CRABS and CATFISH play in the bay

Or so the gnarled old Seadogs do say

But Seadogs are mad and tend to bark

Arousing the monstrous Sea Aardvark

O NO

AAAAauuuuuuuuuuugggghhhHHHHH

D

DID the DODO DIE out or was it a DECEPTION

To avoid meeting Great DANES at a posh reception

Because all they do is shout and bark

So is the DODO now DISGUISED as a smallish Aardvark

And does your DOG get up with the lark

And chase sticks about in the park

And is it mad and tend to Bark

Annoying the park keepers trusty old and loyal Aardvark

E

When an ELEPHANT meets an ELECTRIC EEL

There is bound to be a noisy squeal

As one beast gets squashed by the others heel

And  . . . . . . . (slight pause and wait)

Creates a huge ten thousand volt Arc

Which is the sort of voltage that will make a dog bark

Or light up they EYES of an adult Aardvark.

Out in the deserts of his favourite park.

F

They say it’s the FAULT of the barking dog

That made the FROGS FLEE into the FOG

And made the FISHERMEN turn to grog

While FLYING FISH FLUTTER over a FLOATING log

And Yet

The constant sound of mad dogs Barks

Results in the thundering hoofs of stampeding Aardvarks 

G

Always look closely at an F or G

Just in case it should be the image of thee

With a sacrifice of GOAT and toasted GHEE

While witch doctors dance round . . . . . .  the sacred tree.

Shaking GOURDS  . . . . . . . and GRANNIES old Knee

And it’s good to know if GHOULS creep about in the dark(zzzzzzzz)

Your faithful dog always loudly barks

Alerting a flock of man eating Aardvarks

Who will eat the GHOULS just for larks

GOSH

F is For The Franciscan Friars, The Fishermen and the Flamingo.

Well I am repeating another one of the 2012 posts here because  mmmmmmmmm Because I can and that is the sort of chap I am. Now I dont know about you lot but I am still pondering and deciding whether to post the link in the comments on the A to Z page. Not sure what others think but it does seem all a bit confusing . . . . Well at the time of typing this, maybe it will get better we will see.

OK I have posted my link now, the numbers seem to have dropped a little so it is easier to keep track of stuff (upwards and onwards . . . PHEW) 

Right back to F and a tale that would be entirely true if i had used different words and not the F word (sorry about that)

FERRETING about at the FARMERS Market was FABULOUS until a FRACAS between a group of FRENCH FRANCISCAN FRYERS (sorry FRIARS) and the FIERY FIGHTING FISHERMEN of FISHGUARD FLARED up at the FRONT of the FISHMONGERS. It was all to do with FISH Quotas.   The FISHERMEN of FISHGUARD called the FRANCISCAN FRIARS “FRAUDULENT FREAKS” While the FRANCISCAN FRIARS said the FISHERMEN of FISHGUARD smelt of FORMALDEHYDE and FORMATION dancers. And they couldn’t catch FRANKENSTEIN’S monster if it was super glued to their FETLOCKS.     

When the FIGHT FINALLY FINISHED we bumped into FRANK or FINGERS FRANK as he is known he said “ Hello want to buy some FRANKINCENSE then; FOUR Quid and no Questions nudge nudge, FELL off a FORKLIFT hA hA hA.” FRANK is a FUNNY FELLOW

We were looking at a FLEA market stall and saw a FORGED FLYING FLAMINGO and FRANK said, “Worth a FORTUNE it’s a FAMOUS FORGED FOURTH century FIGURE of a bird goddess Robbie me mate Ha ha ha hah ha , offer him FIFTY and I’ll FIX a deal wiv a good FENCE”…………..  “FIFTY Quid …..FLIP me” said FLORENCE on the FLEA market stall. It’s  only an old FERROUS FLAMINGO from the FAMILY FARM. 

Mum was FURIOUS that I had been on the FIDDLE with FRANK and said the FLAMINGO was FILTHY so I had to clean it.  I have spent all day with FIBROUS clothes and FEATHERS FEVERISHLY polishing and have FINALLY FINISHED. 

Mum, Dad, the dog and Captain FLINT the parrot have all come to see and have all said F***********ing  H*****lllllll it is made of Gold. So FINGERS FRANK was right

D is for Digging, Dinosaurs and Deep Space

Hey I have made it as far as the Letter D I did not expect to last this long how cool is that. Ok todays post is about an event that happened back in 2014 I think although I have forgotten now . . . DAMN still it was jolly exciting (OK I Lie Slightly)

D is for Digging, Dinosaurs and Deep Space

 Today was rather a nice day and I was sort of acquisitioned to dig a small veggie bed for runner beans. But instead of the simple task of lift some turf fork over the ground add some compost and hay presto Uncle Fred is Uncle Fred, it got rather complicated. You see just under the surface a few inches was an ancient old cobbled surface that must have been really old. Mr Jones who can sniff out anything that might have alien origins was there in an instant, peering down at the surface of rough cobble and herring bone stone and declared that it was obviously alien as it was far too rough for a wheeled vehicle and was probably built by aliens in a hurry as long ago as the time of the dinosaurs.

No Dodos Died in the Drawing of this diagram (sorry picture)

His theory is that Aliens from Deep Space arrived on Earth and attempted to communicate with a huge Tyrannosaurus Rex that was doing its best to eat a large Aardvark. However Dinosaurs are not the best of communicators with aliens particularly when the aliens are using a huge Hammond Organ to play songs at them.  Now as we all know the  Tyrannosaurus Rex is a seriously grumpy beast and even more so when strange folk from deep space turn up in a big silver disc playing music while you are trying to eat an Aardvark. So (and this is Mr Jones theory not mine, I’m not mad) while eating; the Tyrannosaurus Rex also tried to take a bite out of the large silver disc but ended up choking to death, they were stupid dinosaurs.   The Aliens then think AH DAMN WE BETTER SCARPER, but finding the ground too soft to take-off are forced into making a large rough cobble and herring bone stone surface as a take-off platform, to be able to effectively use their Magnetic Iron Particle Beam Anti-Gravity Propulsion Unit to get away quick before someone thought they were trying to kill everyone and take over the planet.

It also explains why even to this day many aliens turn up inside huge scary mechanical monster looking things as they are all convinced they will meet a very grumpy based life form that goes around fighting and killing stuff all the time. . . . . . . . . HANG ON that last bit sounds familiar.