The True Story of Father Christmas and Elves (sorry Elvis).....

Once upon a time there was a large jolly rotund chap with a big white beard and red fur lined jacket who carried a large sack about known to all as Father Christmas (that’s the rotund chap not his sack). He was a generous chap who would rummage about in his sack and give passing small children presents and the like shouting Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas.  He was very popular much like Elvis and like Elvis it was not long before everywhere he went folk you run up to him screaming asking for autographs and asking him to sing the ever popular Be-Bop-A-Lula I don’t like Gravy, a sentiment all folk with large white beards will whole heartedly agree with no doubt. 

As he became more and more famous and popular it got harder and harder for him to go anywhere without folk turning up demanding stuff out of his sack or making him sing that song again or trying to book him for parties or saying he was the father of their love child. When it was plain to all that super gluing beards onto small children was never going to convince anyone.

So as time passed Father Christmas became more reclusive and hid away up north in the snow only venturing out in the middle of winter a time that became known as Christmas time because he was never seen any other time of year. He still went Ho Ho Ho a lot but now sneaked into houses at night as it was the only way he could avoid being asked to sing that song.  Of course by hiding away there was an opportunity for those Elvis impersonators who were not doing to well (put bluntly they were rubbish at Elvis), having fallen on hard times they became dishevelled and unshaven ending up with long white beards allowing them to become Father Christmas impersonators; it was cheaper too all you need is a big red coat and a sack, not a white sequined suit like Elvis and there was no need to be able to play the trombone either.

Over the years the real Father Christmas has got even more reclusive but the Father Christmas Impersonators or Santa impersonators as they are known now for legal reasons are all over the place. And it is easy to see why they all had to give up being Elvis impersonators, the closest I have ever seen one looking a bit like Elvis was when he was bitten by a large Hound Dog one Christmas Eve and screamed Im all Shook up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .HAH HA HAH HAH HA HAH HA HAH HA HAH HAH HHAH HAH AH hah a hha ha ha ha ha ha

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The Inside View of the Insect Societies

Insects as we all know are creatures of routine, trapped by nature too comply with the laws of the natural world. One of the best examples of the complex insect societies is the humble ant, but in order to understand the ant society it is best viewed close up, seriously close up. Yes we need to look into the ants nest at the passages the paths that these creatures take, the very reasoning behind why they do what they do as seen from the inside.

So as we always do at this time of year in our Natural History/Biology classes at school (the posh cyber-academy, as famous now in the world of fiction as Bert Drybolt) we went off on an exploratory field trip to visit the one place where it is possible to see what it is like to be an ant from the inside; to have to move about in a pre controlled order of passages and paths where the individual will be crushed and destroyed for disobeying the system.  The one place on Earth where the human mind can get a small glimpse into the world of the social insect and its strict protocol, where we shuffle round and round picking up small items and carrying them through the twists and turns of the ants nest with an intensity and desire only matched by an ant itself.  Forced into a set of decisions that make us leave the nest carrying these small items pondering why we are doing it.

We went to IKEA.

It was another cool sunset tonight but only for about one minute, but as it happened I just happen to be standing holding a camera at the right time, how cool is that. This is the sort of thing that makes man a man and an ant an ant, you see ants cant press the button on the camera hard enough for it to work and they strangely are not allowed into IKEA . . . . . . .HAH HAH H HAH HAH AH HAH AH HAH HA HAH HA HAH HA Hha haha hah hah ha ha ha   Ha ha ha hah hah ahh ha ha ha ……

Liberties of London, a small Japanese Sheepdog and Zombies from the Wizard of Oz....

Sundays as I have said before have been very quiet in cyberspace, however this can be good and bad depending on how you think of cyberspace. If you see it as a party in a large hall full of interesting folk and you turn up and find they are all at home and the only person to speak too is a small Japanese sheepdog who has had a bad day and is rambling on about lions, tin robots and straw men. Having first lost his barrel of brandy then the sheep refusing to cooperate, that are now all outside with protest banners saying We Prefer Welsh Sheepdogs; Well then Sunday is not a good day to be wandering about in cyberspace. But if you think of cyberspace as a big store like Harrods or Liberties of London and you have turned up and it is entirely empty except for say a little old lady who is testing umbrellas by stabbing at manikins with them and shouting don’t you come round here with your furry gingerbread penguin ONESIE ASKING if I have seen the Zombie from the Wizard of Oz . . .(sorry distracted a bit there), then Sundays are a great day. Where you can run up and down the aisles doing things like drawing a moustache on the Mona Lisa or sending slinky’s  up and down in the lifts to confuse them. Or making Lemon Bon Bon sweet circles so that on Monday morning the staff will assume the store has been visited by aliens, until they see the moustache on the Mona Lisa, then they will blame me…….. They did last time……..

So what did I do today well I re-potted a palm, that’s the plant not the part of someone’s hand; I have worked out that the Ghost Writers car has a hydraulic problem so may not need a new clutch; I dug a small hole and I defrosted a small freezer. OOOoooooo and I ate a pork pie . . . . . . YUM

I also discovered an ancient wooden monument designed to point at the moon in the early evening, I have not worked out what the exact significance of this monument was in the past, although I have reason to believe it was to do with harnessing the power of electricity from lightning strikes which was then used to light flares for the various Micro Gods of our ancestors, ancestors such as little old ladies testing umbrellas who would navigate using the light of the flares to avoid Zombies in ruby red slippers out walking their dog Toto, a small Japanese sheepdog that has lost its sheep somewhere on the notorious Curdsand Way.     

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Cars, Cold and the Dangers of the Amazon

It appears the Ghost Writer is having a bit of a car problem at present as his clutch will not disengage when his car is cold, this is OK in the summer but not ideal when it is cold in the winter. As we are now in December what it means is his car is sulking and it will be heading off to the garage some time next week to be looked at. He has tried sacrificing leaves to Gearboximus the Micro God of Car Parts but to no avail. It does mean all the leaves got cleared off the drive, so dad was very pleased although it was dad who told the Ghost Writer that sacrificing fallen leaves was a sure solution to the Ghost Writers car problems, I was sure it was furry mice you were meant to sacrifice or was it furry dice?

While on the subject of things that are happening at present I have a word of warning for you all that you need to take heed of, particularly if you are a young eccentric child of cyberspace like myself when I remember, I am old I forget these things . . . . . .(DAMN that’s a slip up). Anyway back to the present and my warning, you see I have been looking at Amazon the rather well known online shop of everything (well here in the UK it is) for presents and made a serious mistake. While looking for presents for Dad and the Ghost Writer I made the mistake of typing in Men’s toys as you do, lets face it men like playing with toys loads; it a sort of men’s thing they remain about aged 10 deep down in their DNA and I know these things I’m a chap.

Yes I know what you are thinking Men’s Toys we know the sort of thing that turned up with that search and to some degree you are right but you are also wrong because there are things there that plainly confused me, so I will try and list a few.

My Little Pony Rainbow Dash All Over Print Lounge Pants

Mens Shrek Gingerbread Warrior Costume

Mens Fishnet Tights (Black)

Meerkat Costume - Kigurumi onesie animal suit

BLACK ROADIE BEARD HEAD HAT NOVELTY MENS CHRISTMAS BIRTHDAY GIFT PRESENT

Donkey - Adult  Costume

ADULT ANIMAL ONESIE,PENGUIN... FANCY DRESS COSTUME

Mens Funny Dorothy Comedy Wizard Of Oz  Costume –

Now when it comes to dressing up in a fifteen pounds Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz costume there must be a limited customer base among men, yes I know she is a bit of a gay icon (I think?), but I really don’t think even the gay community will buy a cheap plastic Dorothy outfit in order to look a bit like an escaped Zombie from Oz.   And what is even more worrying is much of this is made in China and what on earth are they going to think, we may be attracting entirely the wrong sort of tourist from this vast land and they may be very disappointed.

Anyway I have abandoned this idea now and they may have to be content with socks . . . .

It was another rather cool looking sunset tonight but is now cold, what I need to keep me warm is a Shrek Gingerbread Warrior Costume  . . . . . . . . OK its not that cold yet.