tongue and groove wood panelling and a tiny dinosaur's head

Today due to the cold and damp (although no rain) I have continued the fitting of the tongue and groove wood panelling to the kitchen, there is very little left to go now although the very last bit is going to get held up waiting for some wiring to be done. Unlike in the old days when the general public could go around wiring anything to anything; these days you must be officially sanctioned in order to wire things up. The only real exception to this appears to be attempting to create a monster out of human parts using lightning, I think it is because fundamentally in that case you are dealing with an off grid system, although the health and safety executive have told dad off in the past for making monsters. Mind you since dad’s last monster did eat the health and safety man which at first you would think is bad it appears the result is our house is now black listed and health and safety officers say they refuse to do home visits on grounds of heath and safety, so that is good….

As you all know cyberspace can be a very strange world but from time to time so can the very real world of reality, and today I learnt of a strange little tale from the real world of reality that has all the hallmarks of life in cyberspace.

It appears that just before Christmas not very far away there was a small child who had a pet dinosaur, not a huge real one because that does not happen in the real world, no this is a smallish stuffed toy (bringing us back to reality).  The small child who I will not name because I don’t who he is, wanted a woolly hat for Christmas for his stuffed dinosaur.

It is worth remembering that a dinosaur has a small head in relationship to the size of its body so the small child’s small stuffed dinosaur had a small head, a regular sized woolly hat would fit a dinosaur that was huge and that would crush a small child. So finding a small woolly hat for the child’s dinosaur was a bit of a headache. It is at this point things start to get a bit strange, you see there are people out there that knit woolly hats for a particular type of yoghurt pot . . . . . . NO, this is entirely true it is some sort of charity thing raising money for abandoned yoghurt or something of the like. Unfortunately these turned out to be too big as we are talking  very small dinosaur so tiny head. Then someone who I know quite well knew of someone else who knits little hats for Ferrero Rocher chocolates that look like little knitted Christmas puddings . . . . . .WHAT? . . . . . . . . . Its entirely true if you think we are off on some strange story again then Google Ferrero Rocher knitted woolly hats and you will see that there is a knitting pattern available. And it turns out that this tiny hat made for a chocolate was just the right size for the dinosaur’s head (that’s a very small head) and the small child was very happy. And people think I live in a strange world but I can assure you none of us knit hats for either yoghurt or chocolates.

OK that’s enough for today I am waiting for sun and blues skies and refuse to have my daily diary stretched into war and peace until I have warmed up . .. . . . . . . .. 
   

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Reaping revenge on the beasts who will remain nameless (horses) . . . . AH . DAMN

The grinding wheels of winter grind on although today was at least sunny, I ramble on yet again about weather because it appears it is going to rain or snow again for a few days. I think we may have reached the point were a psychological change in the way we all live may be needed,  things like going to work in a boat and wearing wet suits and keeping an inflatable boat under the stairs for emergencies.

Anyway onto the day, firstly I would like to say that sometime ago I did a lot of complaining about a certain animal that as far as I could tell was distracting that very nice Steven Spielberg from the making of a rather good film based on the diary of a certain person who will remain nameless because it was me  . . . . . . . AH DAMN.  At the time I did say that I would reap revenge on the said beasts, turn all such said beasts into mince meat and destroy the evidence by turning them into convenient meal sized packages, and in turn ruin their film careers, less Black Beauty more Burnt Burger. So I would just like to say I am innocent it has nothing to do with me. Lets face it, the very nice Steven Spielberg has been making films about Presidents of the USA and I can hardly go and make a convenient microwaveable dinner for two out of American presidents so I know when I am defeated by overwhelming odds.  

the man with no name

 

An old family friend called in today who we have not seen for ages so we chatted drank tea and ate lemon drizzle cake; yes it appears that cake is slowly taking on the name of the British Weather.  I do like lemon drizzle cake and as the weather is due to get worse it may be necessary to purchase a packet of Snowballs although with luck things will not get to the point we are buying iceberg lettuce, that would be terrible.

OK that’s it for tonight because it is. 

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Badgers, Big Mac's and Chillies, home alone with a Pizza

It’s a funny old world at times there I was eating my Pizza and pondering about whether if I placed a needle in the centre and span it like a top it would allow me to sprinkle an even coating of chilli flakes on my Pizza, It sounded easy enough but in practice did not work at all well because to get the pizza to spin in a stable fashion involved it rotating at a speed that meant most of the topping  flew off, resulting in a bit of a mess which despite blaming on the cats got me into a bit of bother. Anyway that is as the saying goes by the by, why does the saying go ‘by the by’ it makes no sense to me what so ever.

As I was finishing the last of my pizza everyone announced that they were all off to The GUILD of GROTESQUES and GARGOYLES for the night and have left me home alone, well I say home alone but there are two cats staring at me who are not happy because firstly I blamed them for the Pizza spinning miscalculation and secondly because they are covered in cheese and chilli flakes.  When you live out in the wilds surrounded by wild country foxes and badgers it is not particularly streetwise to go out exploring in the woods when you smell of cheese chilli and Pizza because to a wild beast these are smells that are worth pursuing at all costs.  There is many an evening when Mr Jones the Alien hunter has had his Big Mac eaten by badgers as he hides in the bushes, he says, he has had more run ins with badgers than the police and both pinch his Big Mac’s although only the badgers eat the polystyrene carton too.

In general, today was yet again very quiet, Esmeralda is excused school until she is no longer bright green. Her attempt to go to buy her own Big Mac last night was a bit of a disaster first the staff thought she was a Martian because she was bright green, so screamed a lot and ran about so would not serve her. Then Mr Jones who has established that a Big Mac will always help in communicating with Aliens bought Esmeralda her Big Mac. But then Mr Jones does have a habit of hunting Aliens naked. So he then found himself in the police station trying to explain why he was buying bright green aliens Big Macs with no clothes on while a policeman ate Mr Jones Big Mac. As for Esmeralda she had sort of borrowed the A level project Invisibility Cloak and was able to make her escape although sadly Freddie’s ferret got wind of her Big Mac and ate it while she was being distracted by a badger and still in shock from a naked alien hunter leaping about in front of her with two Big Mac’s.

I’m really sorry not much is happening at present maybe once the sun turns up and it is warm again things will be less boring……… at this rate I will be discussing a fly walking up a window. As it happens that is a bit odd because a fly will fly into a window presumably because it can’t see the window, so why then does it walk on something it can’t see. And if it can see the window to walk on it, then it should not fly into it.

  

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The spy, the magic candle, and a dog with three heads

Last night I mentioned that we had to drop off secret notes for Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy and leaper about to bouncy music, this was achieved despite all the wind and rain again, why does it keep doing this it is very very annoying.  There was much whispering and pointing by mum and Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy, then Miss Fionaski came and gave me a candle and I thought O OK COOL?  But I was told it was a magic candle, I have to admit I am always slightly sceptical of magic because of that Harry Potter, after we sort of fell out and he shouted stuff like annoyzizapptimus robbiosa and said I would turn into a mad grumpy compulsive scruffy bitter old blogger who spends his entire time writing total nonsense, misspelling and complaining about the weather all the time, and end up with the worst ghost writer in the world.  Well then Mr Harry Potter, you see I told you your spells are rubbish and all that magic was the figment of a deranged mind. Me and the very nice Steven Spielberg will laugh in the face of your deluded ideas of magic.

Anyway I was talking about a candle; because it was given to me by Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy who said it was magic I thought I better light it today because she would not say such a thing without a reason. And it has turned out to be magic after all well either that or it is an elaborate cunning spy device, because it glows and changes colour when it is lit . . . ..  WELL COOL.

At school I told Esmeralda about the magic candle or possible secret spy device but she was not paying that much attention because she had found lasts years physics A level project and was messing about with it. It is an Invisibility Cloak, you see that Happy Potter has a lot to answer for, anyway Esmeralda told me and Freddie and his ferret that she had been to the main hall, and in it was a huge dog with three heads talking to the headmaster. Mmmmmmmmmm I was rather sceptical about this as well, but Esmeralda is not one with a wild imagination she is more just wild so me and Freddie decided that we should investigate because as we all know all things are possible. Yes I know it is a well known saying and is just not true I have tried to eat a large tub of ice cream in three seconds several times and I know for certain it is not possible.

As we sneaked into the back of the main hall Freddie and myself looked at one another because there in the middle of the hall was a dog with three heads and the headmaster talking. Now when I say a dog with three heads it was the three headmasters from the local schools and the headmasters Pekinese, unfortunately we were spotted and asked what we were doing, Freddie has always said it is best to tell the truth so we said we were looking for a dog with three heads but the headmaster said we were IDIOTS and told us to write out one hundred times dogs do not have three heads.  Me and Freddie could hear Esmeralda laughing hysterically under an invisibility cloak until Freddie’s ferret bit her finger, apparently one of the faults of last years A level project is it is not invisible to ferrets, and it also turns the wearer bright green for several days after use. Me and Freddie did a runner after we told Esmeralda that but no one laughed on the bus home (much).  

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