Normal service will resume as soon as possible ………………. ………….. ……………

Fire, Fever, Futility, Frailty and Olympics

I am back, a little frail but back. Not sure what happened yesterday, there I was ticking along moving a huge pile of rock then burning a lot of stuff cleared from the garden minding my own business when ZAP-POW I ran out of steam big time. So I had a sit down and the next thing I know, I have a raging headache and was shivering.

The dog for a long time has been convinced I am an android and said my batteries had finally packed in. His attempt at plugging me into the mains was not a success, nor was stabbing me with a sharp stick to prove I was an android. I think the blood might have finally proved I am not an Android, well I hope it has, that is the second time he has done that although he is muttering something about third time lucky.

I staggered off to bed to recover and because I was so cold I stuck on several jumpers, but when I woke up a couple of hours later I was roasting and was used as a barbeque to cook everyone’s evening meat. Well everyone except me; I was not at my best. 

Anyway I am now back and although a bit frail I am at least fit enough to think about writing my diary. It appears to have been a really lovely day today although I did miss a chunk of it sleeping. The dog has told the neighbours that I am a young alcoholic and have been on the booze again and am best avoided….. . . . . .NOT FAIR. So when I went out and said hello they screamed and ran off locking themselves in their house and were peering at me through the letter box.

So all in all I have done nothing since moving rocks and burning garden rubbish…

Olympics Day three :- Yesterday we were told that Britain winning a silver and a bronze was the start of a huge change of fortune and now the plucky brits have got over the mental scares of that cyclist letting us all down in the road race. Fancy not winning that is terrible, we were all told he was going to win…

I have not had a chance to do a proper check yet to see it we are now heading the medal table but surely we must be…. .. . . . . . . . . . .AH...

ROB

I am not 100% tonight . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . See you tomorrow

Very sorry about this

Close Encounters of the Third Kind , Olympics Day One and the dark side

Today has been fairly peaceful although a strange person arrived with raffle tickets to a balloon race (not a hot air balloon race but small ones full of helium), it was all part of a dog show but the dog hates dog shows. He has been banned from most after he ate the ‘best at show’ Pekinese at Crufts after it kept yapping at him, and although he tried to reason with it in both Cantonese and Latin it was to no avail. So to shut it up he ate it, it was very embarrassing the owner was very upset and the whole thing was suppressed to avoid frightening the Pekinese owners of Great Britain.  The dog said it did not taste that good anyway. 

The Chicken said he wanted to do a re-enactment of Close Encounters of the Third Kind today because while he was at the Big Do (Olympic Opening Ceremony) last night he came across the big mountain and now knows exactly how to get to the top to meet the aliens. Thinking about the Big Do (Olympic Opening Ceremony); not only did it have the mountain with the route to the top but it had all the flashing lights men in white coats and someone playing the piano…. Mmmmmmm?

As many of you know Captain Nessman of the High Seas has appeared in my diary over the last couple of years, and quite right too as he is a good chap and well deserving of a place in the block buster movie of the best selling book. But in recent times he has started new adventures and will soon be heading across the seas to China; however today he has announced his engagement to Miss Lang which I think we will all agree is WELL COOL. Every block buster Movie needs a bit of romantic interest so this is excellent news.

OK I better return to those Olympics again and report on the day’s progress for the Brits in case no one is watching; well we almost sort of did really well. Had it not been for the fact a few folk were a bit faster, so we would have won loads only we sort of didn’t. But remember at the end of the day all this sport is so that the whole world will be a much better place where fair play and a sense of honour are important. It is therefore better for the British to smile do their best and not to get all stressed, it would be sad to see us become a country of win at all cost fanatics and not enjoy the event.

Ooooo I have had another go at taking a picture of the moon..

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The Opening Ceremony of the Olympic Games, a chicken and the moon

I am a little late again tonight OK very late again but with good reason, as tonight is the great Olympic Ceremony which as been under wraps for ages. As it happens we got to watch most of it on the television set.  However the chicken made it in as he said he would, and got right up close to the five gold rings. He sneaked in by using a bit of barter; it worked because the chicken made it in under cover of the pre industrial revolution part of the Olympic opening ceremony.

Anyway after all the slightly weird Danny Boyle history lessons we watched a bit of the athletes parade around the Olympic stadium but it was getting a bit, well……. uninteresting, after all there are only so many flags and so many athletes a young slightly eccentric chap can deal with in one go.

As it happens there were other delays to my diary and interesting things going on, the first of which was the sky tonight it was WELL COOL, the Olympic Ceremony may have loads of high tech stuff, but the sky here at times was rather amazing too. I tried to get a few pics but it was getting a bit too dark to get really good photos of the best stuff.

We also had  our good friend Miss Frieda turn up on her motorbike to say hello as she was out on the road for a cruise round the countryside. Miss Frieda is a very good artist and writer; the daughter of Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes, but also a motorbike fanatic although she said she was too busy painting at present to go off doing track days…

I have also been out with the telescope and the camera and finally got my first decent picture of the moon so I feel it has been a good night.

Only the Ghost Writer complained and said he spent the day in a office that was 34c at one point which is rather hot to do stuff in, and the sever was grumbling a bit too, computers do not like heat.

Finally I think I should say if that Mr Danny Boyle fancies making a weird film about the slightly eccentric life of a certain person now he has finally finished his bit with the Opening Ceremony of the Olympic Games, I have just the manuscript for him

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Moths and Gun Shots

It is very late for me 11:00pm so rather late for tonight’s diary entry there are two reasons for this, well OK three. The first is that we have been out for a meal in the very nice and always chilled and friendly Sun Inn in Marton where I had rather excellent fish and chips, so we did not leave until about 9:30pm to head home. This brings us the second reason dad does not like to drive fast at this time of year because there are millions of moths that fly at the headlights of the car. By not going fast they at least have a fighting chance. I took a rather half decent picture of one that was in the house this morning too, yes it appears there are also millions of moths in the house as well as on the roads.  The final delay in writing my diary was due to the man with the gun… No it’s true it was a bit weird but that’s life in the country.

 It appears as we got out of the car back at the house that we heard a gun shot not the blast of 12 bore but a rifle. We are used to the sound of 12 bore because during the shooting season the men from the city, the bankers and the like come to take pot shots at anything that moves pretending it is the public….

But tonight was different; there was a single vehicle with a spot lamp on the roof slowly driving round the fields a few hundred yards way. They then slowly drove up to the main road and then back down the little lane and off round the back of the woods. We only heard the one shot however, but all a bit odd really……. It is just likely that they may have been chasing Mr Foxy, but Mr Foxy is very cunning indeed. I know what Mr Jones will say tomorrow he will say it was aliens.

OK its late now and I need to keep my head down so see you tomorrow ...

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The Short way to growing grapes and monsters of the deep

  The Ghost Writer was here this afternoon wearing some shorts, not particularly short shorts but sort of knee length things. This may not seem like news but the Ghost Writer never wears shorts in public, because he says people laugh at him, anyway once me and the dog had stopped laughing we said that he might be imagining the whole thing. Let’s face it; it is not the Ghost Writers fault he got his legs all chewed up by a monster years ago when he was younger and use to go looking for monsters in the depths of the sea with a camera. Although he had not really thought about what he would do if he found a monster, as hitting it on the head with your camera is rubbish. Particularly if it has three heads and if fifty feet long with big teeth and a scaly body with pointy bits that point.

He only wore then because he thought no one would see him here except us and he knew that we would not laugh at him (much), it is all to do with the heat. He was hoping to convince dad that he should tweak the weather machine a bit so it was a bit cooler but dad was rolling about in hysterics pointing at his (The Ghost Writers) legs.

One slightly good thing, is if the weather remains as it does, which unless we can find a synchromeshed grattle ion mixing filament array is very likely, our crop of grapes will ripen soon and we can then eat them as I am assured by the dog that one grape represents your five a day fruit and veg quota. Particularly if you cut the grape into five bits, one tip on doing this do not use a blunt knife or a hammer to cut your grape up or try to draw dotted lines on it with a permanent marker pen. And never try and prove to the dog that you can get 73 grapes in your mouth at the same time.

Did you notice I cleverly avoided mentioning the Olympics tonight….. ……. …… ……. …… …… DAMN

Just before I go I have just read a email from Auntie Karen and I do not have the hands of an aging hippy Auntie Karen, and I have always called the wireless the wireless rather than a radio, although I will admit that at school I get funny looks when I say I have been playing Miss Janis Joplin LP’s on the radiogram and they are way out man.

Finally I must thank Mr Charlie for the two free packets of SUGRU I will use it wisely…….

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Finally I must make all of the members of the Radical Abstract Thinkers or RATs aware that they should all award themselves The Official International Bloggers Diploma of Blogging....... Along with anyone else that would like one. If you would like to award this distinctive and slightly out of focus International Diploma to your friends or the cat please do. I leave this to your discretion but use it wisely. These things don't grow on trees you know.   

The opening ceremony of the 2012 Olympics, Daleks and a jammed synchromeshed grattle ion mixing filament array.

According to the dog if the synchromeshed grattle ion mixing filament array jams on dads weather machine, dad’s weather machine has a habit of getting a bit out of control and things can apparently turn a little extreme with the weather. The reason I am mentioning this today is because dad was working away in his workshop first thing this morning when we heard him shout out to himself, the stupid ***** ***** ************ ***** ****** SYNCHROMESHED GRATTLE ion mixing filament array is Jammed again. He then went on to complain about the quality of dodgy imported steel parts and even dodgy non imported steel parts. Telling us that in the good old days of steel making when he was allowed to send children up the chimney to clean it; and Porky (so called because of the Pig Boiling) the famous Bessemer Furnace fired up by Henry Bessemer himself in 1854 was still going strong one hundred plus years later before it was mothballed because of the moths?

At least my hand is normal today, well almost normal, the dog says normal is all relative and so my hand is as normal as my hand gets. I told the dog not to call all my relatives normal as there is nothing normal about my relatives? …… …….. ….. Hummmm I think…………

I am now slightly irritated by the Olympics (already), as we can not switch on the wireless or pick up a newspaper without the media getting very very excited (unusually excited) about the Olympics.

It appears that they are still trying to keep the opening ceremony of the Olympics under wraps at present so I think it is important that I do not mention the 10,000 nude Morris dancers again or Cliff Richard or Eddy the Eagle or the massed masses of irritating smilling school children massed to make it look like there are masses of people massed in a mass (not the church type mass). Esmeralda will no longer be part of this even since she can only roll about at present, she could be one of the Daleks in the opening ceremony, although they are still very much a secret…… ……. …….DAMN sorry Mr Danny. Or was it the closing ceremony where they will exterminate the Olympic flame …… exterminate …… exterminate……. exterminate..  ………. HAHAHAHAH hah ha hahah hahhahah hahah ah haha ahHAH HAH HA

Sorry that’s it, the heat has frazzled my brain I think I need to help find a synchromeshed grattle ion mixing filament array before my diary is…….. EXTERMINATED.

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the pharmaceutical industry might be suffering some Unusual Excitement

Although not entirely back to normal my hand is getting better….. PHEW ……. So I no longer look like The Curse of the Claw, however I have been taking some tablets to help. In the old days when someone gave you tablets to take they would be in a small brown glass screw top jar with something like ‘Take three times a day’ written on the label and that would be that. No these days, they tend to come in boxes and so called blister packaging and acres of it too. But also inside these boxes will be a piece of paper in tiny print warning of the potential dangers of the pill you are about to take.  In general it appears that even the simple placebo has paperwork in small print that says the pill will kill you, either from a stroke or heart attack or some other option. However the pills (which are bright orange) also have listed on this piece of paper ‘Unusual Excitement’ …….WHAT? Are they mad, so I thought I must photograph this as prove it is not me that is MAD but the pharmaceutical industry.

So today I have been waiting for some Unusual Excitement to happen. I went to Montgomery thinking there might be something Unusually Exciting there but there was not, although I did talk to a man with a huge oak beam that he was using to repair a steam powered pterodactyl that had crash landed in his garden. And I saw several people who said “O MY GOD LOOK AT YOUR HAND, is it PLAGUE………….. .  … . . . … . . .  . . . . . . . . . . .AUUUuuuuuuuuuuuGgggggHHHHHHHHHHH. Then I left Montgomery and returned home and watched tractors going backwards and forwards and doing synchronized harvesting of Hay….. I suspect they must have read the ‘Fifty Grades of Hay’ book and were showing off a bit…. But it was not unusually exciting, not even a bit. Then Mr Jones said he might get some of the same tablets because it might help with his Alien Spotting in the woods. He said being abducted and examined by aliens can be unusually exciting and anything that will help is worth trying….. I did tell him that being wrapped in cling film and wearing a big red wig was more likely to scare aliens that attract them, but he explained that was just a mistake and he had forgotten to change before he left home….?

The dog says my hand is looking better and no longer looks like a rat that has swallowed a party balloon, but just a fat rat that has been over indulging at a party….. He also added that he had been having a rather unusually exciting day before falling about in hysterics….. Mum said IDIOT but I think she means the dog. 

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The Hunchbacked Claw Monster and the hand

Not sure what got me yesterday, but my hand is very itchy and swollen today, there is evidence that something has bitten it several times although I never felt a thing at the time. The dog recons it is the rare pygmy vampire that lives on hedgehogs, moles and rabbits; and at some point yesterday or last night the pygmy vampires mistook my hand for a tarantula spider or a rat. I did say my hand does not look like a rat but everyone just looked away and sniggered a lot? ......... …….. .. NOT FAIR.  

I also somehow pulled a muscle in my neck so the dog says that I now look like the famous Hunchbacked  Claw Monster with its huge claw that can snip the head off a lion in one go.  In fact the dog sent me next door to prove that I should be able to snip the head off a Lion. As I discovered a bit later snipping a Lilo in half when the man is sunbathing in the pool on it does not count….

Today is a prime example of classic British weather, we have suffered rain storms and flooding for weeks then all of a sudden twenty four hours passes and it is roasting, it is so hot we all have to run for cover. It is not easy to run for cover with a huge swollen hand as it drags you sideways and you go round in circles and I was not happy that the dog and the cats decided to use its shadow to keep cool. Particularly as they then forced me to sit on the sunny side of my own hand.

We have had a few visitors today who said they had been looking on the internet and thought they would pop round to have a little look at my hand as someone had said it looked like a rat that had swallowed a party balloon and was very amusing.  No one would say exactly who had been saying such things but I noticed the dog sniggering a lot and smiling at everyone with his huge pointy teeth and red eyes. The dog really should not smile at folk because he frightens them. Anyway I think it is the dog trying to make me look like an IDIOT.   

Mum is not happy with dad and says he must stop playing with his weather machine, but dad says a mysterious man has given him loads of money to make sure it remains sunny for the Olympics. Although as mum points out agents from an unspecified country have also given dad loads of money to insure that the weather during the Olympics is rotten. Dad has pointed out this is Britain and it should be easy to do both, all he needs to do is some fine tweaking to his machine. He did say if I didn’t have a hand like an inflated rat I would be able to help him but has said I could held by using it to hammer in some fence posts …… NOT FAIR again……  And it appears the dog has hired my hand out as a bouncy castle and there is a gang of grumpy parents demanding it is delivered to their party….. Apparently there is only one solution according to mum so I am off now…… The dog says I need to hum so I sound like a pump….  

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Olympic mascots, Triffid seed and the Lemmings of Petrograd

Myself and the dog felt it was time to explore the great outdoors today, grab the machete and battle along the route of The Fabled Minor Stream on Inconsequence. It has been some time since we explored the woodland next to it, which leads to the great wood. The Banshees were in good form and said they tried to go to see Esmeralda in hospital but had to leave when all the nurses started to scream and wave their arms about. It is a bit of a puzzle all the arm waving when people scream, obviously Esmeralda did not wave anything about for what are fairy obvious reasons, but dad has assured her she will be just like that six million dollar man although she will be a six million dollar woman, OK steam engine sort off and maybe more twenty quid rather than six million dollars. And she will get six legs…

Look I am distracted again which is not right, me and the dog were looking for strange monsters and creatures unknown to man, we spent ages doing this but having only met the Banshees and The Dark Creature of the Undergrowth who remains dark and in the undergrowth. And of course the Lemmings of Petrograd who are planning to hold an alternative sporting event because apparently a Mr Lord Coe banned them for shouting “Coe, Coe….. Coe Chi Minh” and “What do we want more Steroids when do we want them NOW” then falling about in Hysterics. It would not have been so bad if the Lemmings of Petrograd had not chose to do this as the Olympic flame officially arrived in Britain. It apparently took a lot of effort and bribery to keep it out of the press…..

Yes, Yes, Yes sorry off on a tangent again, all I am saying is that we met nothing new in the wood so we came home defeated, but at home sat on the UPVC double glazing was a strange little creature. We looked in up in our Boys Own Guide to Strange Creatures and could not find it so we have named it ourselves Sunflourious Seedioza Leggious because as far as we can see it appears to be a sunflower seed with legs. The dog says this is the missing link between plants and animals, and possible prove that the Triffid is not just a legend of the past. He was keen to keep the baby Triffid and see if it grows into a huge man eating plant, but mum said NO not after the last time when he brought the baby Loch Ness Monster home and it ate everything in the fridge…. So somewhere outside is a tiny tiny Triffid that will one day grow up to look like an Olympic Mascot, which would be terrible.

What ever happened to Wenlock and Mandeville, the Olympic mascots, they were rubbish. I think they must have been buried under the main stadium, no one even mentions them now.  

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An Oscar from Miss Lily the Award magnet
I don't know how she does it .

The great tradition of British Inventors in the technological development of wheelbarrows

The summer Holiday officially started today so Mmmmmmmm Loads to do? Why is it you think you have loads to do; you will be really really busy this summer holiday and have no spare time to do the dull things then after a short time you think……. AH what will I do? I will admit I usually last longer than three hours though before this happens but I blame the weather, not that the weather is bad, in fact it has been rather nice today but I am mentally adjusted now to dull and wet…..

As it happened Mr Charlie and Miss Jane came to see us for lunch so that was cool, lunch even lasted until early evening so we had a six hour lunchtime which is very cool. Mr Charlie is a great inventor of inventions, not those boring mass production useful inventions but inventions that are interesting and quirky in the true tradition of mad British inventors, like dad so they get on very well.

He (Mr Charlie) is in the process on making a special self propelled, gyroscopically balanced auto-tipping wheelbarrow using parts from a BSA Bantam, 15 bicycles, a U2 spy plane and a wheelbarrow. It will enable Miss Jane to shift huge amounts of stuff in their garden and put it into a precise location, accurate to within a millimetre of any latitude, longitude co-ordinate on Earth. So they will have the most accurate wheelbarrow on the planet. If it all goes to plan he thinks demand for this will be enormous because at present most gardeners just dump things at the bottom of the garden without a thought about coordinates which is just sloppy gardening. Miss Jane says she does not want a high tech wheelbarrow just one where the wheel does not fall off or go flat. Both Miss Jane and Mum have said IDIOT but they don’t understand the great advances in the technological development of wheelbarrows that Mr Charlie’s invention will bring to the world.

I bet when George Stevenson first invented the train and laid the track down his garden to the potting shed so Mrs Stevenson did not have to walk so far; Mrs Stevenson probably said “I just wanted so crazy paving dear not that monstrosity”.  But look where it led we can now wait on long concrete platforms in the cool and wet for hours before squeezing into an overcrowded train at a huge cost to ourselves to arrive somewhere late and miss an appointment.

You see without great minds like dad or Mr Charlie we would all still spend all day laying about chilled drinking beer outside a cave waiting for dinner to walk past, then sleep it off and do the same tomorrow. No work to do or tax to pay.

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The Last day of school, the Foreign Legion and sandwiches

The Last day of school of the school year before the big holiday. The pupils are gutted it means no homework maths, Latin, geography, history, English or watching the goat majestically heading over the school as it heads towards the out of town supermarket.  Most of the teachers spent today leaping about in the playground shouting and waving their arms about. However the science teachers have locked themselves in the science block and are laughing hysterically and refuse to come out. They say they are now free to do proper science with glowing things, laser beams and goldfish?

 

The headmaster spent most of the day arguing with parents telling them that it was no good bribing him to cancel the holiday as it was out of his hands. It can be a difficult holiday to get through firstly it is well long seven or eight weeks which is more that six or seven more weeks that most pupils have interesting things to do.  Then of cause the summer holidays happen right in the middle of summer and as we all know this is the time of year when the weather is at its worst.  Anyway that’s it the end of another school year, dads says that if I like I don’t need to go back and I could join the French Foreign Legion and trek over the endless sand dunes eating scorpions and sand castles. Dad said it is where a man gets true grit from, but I have told dad I can get true grit in my sandwiches on the beach at Barmouth.  I was told at school that the sandwich was so called because no matter how hard you try if you eat them at the beach they always get full of sand…….

My blog in Dynamic View 
for those who wish to see it in Dynamic view

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The School Run Mums and the Eagle

The Ghost Writer was whinging when he got here tonight to see us, he says he was trying to get out of the car park of the big grey office but it involves crossing the traffic that turns right. However at the time all the mums from the school run were in the queue and all looked the other way staying bumper to bumper so he could not get across them to turn left. In the end he gave up and went the other way out and did a detour.  He is not a fan on mums on school runs and says they are ********** rude ***** ******** selfish ****** drivers, but to make matters worse once he did get out of town (20mins to do a quarter of a mile) he got stuck behind a really slow car. Well it was slow until he indicated to overtake, then it would speed up from 25 to 55 then at the slightest bend or if traffic was coming the other way they panicked and slowed down to 25 again. Still he is here now and grumbling……. A bit, OK a lot.

Anyway we were all sitting drinking our cups of tea as the Ghost Writer stuck pins in a wax doll of a mum on a school run who was turning right when a huge big bird flow over head, We think it might have been a red kite but if it was it was a damn big one, no really big. I was running about with the camera trying to get a picture of it but not really with much luck. It appears the best way to take pictures of animals and birds in the wild are in a camouflaged hide with a huge zoom lens and lots of patience. Not running about with a little digital camera with no zoom and everyone shouting its behind the cherry tree o no sorry the big black horse Ah…… O no it has gone behind the queue of school mums who are all screaming because one of them appears to have huge pins sticking out of their head and the bird has run off with little serendipity their daughter. I never did get a proper picture of the monster bird just one from miles away I tried to blow-up the picture like in the movie (again) but sadly it looks like a crow and it was a huge beast. The good news though is the Ghost Writer has cheered up.

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The very nice Steven Spielberg, The Weather Machine, Peanut Brittle and Pigeons

As the long term followers of my diary will know the very nice Steven Spielberg has given many words of advice such as “ROB you’re an IDIOT”,  and “GO AWAY”.  All very useful as we are still hopeful that the blockbuster movie of The Diary of Rob Z Tobor based on the best selling book will be Mr Steven Spielberg’s first slightly eccentric Art Movie. However I have been advised by the film company that it is time for the sad loss a key player.

So at school today the school mascot the Goat was being loaded into his travelling crate heading to his summer retreat led in by Esmeralda who he has learnt to trust this year, when there was a slip and before anyone could react it was too late. Yes the goat had eaten part of Esmeralda when she slipped in the mud. An ambulance was called and they have rushed her to hospital but it does not look good, the goat is a fast eater.  The Ambulance men are as I write having counselling as they don’t have to deal with people eaten by goats very often.

I was not there myself I was trying to convince the maths teacher that although we are on our last few days of the school year, he really should not be singing and dancing on his desk and making rude gestures at the pupils, after all we will all be back next year…… OK Esmeralda might not, well not all of her anyway.  Dad has said if she pulls through he will makes some steam powered parts for her much like he did for Pirate Pete.  And if she likes she can have six legs like Rusty the Dog.

The Headmaster is rather upset he says he has had enough agro dealing with the sacrificial sacrifice of a pupil to the goat, so the school goat eating two pupils in one term will be frowned on and bring back the school inspectors. So he has knobbed the school accident book and told us all to say it was a flock of pigeons heading south for the winter and Esmeralda had unfortunately been making peanut brittle in the cookery class. Well it is true Esmeralda is/was always a messy cook and that peanut brittle can get everywhere and it is certainly true pigeons love peanuts.

It also appears a mysterious man has offered dad loads of money if he makes his weather machine insure that the weather is sunny during the Olympics and has offered dad 50% of the profits from unsold Olympic tickets and said it will be looked on very favourably by certain people in certain places, and certain MI6 files will vanish nudge nudge….. I did think I should warn the mysterious man that dad’s weather machine is rubbish. But dad says if all goes well he will be able to sell them for loads and say ‘As used to manipulate the Olympic weather, recommended by a Mr Coo (sorry that’s the pigeons I mean Coe)”.  And he will be able to put Olympic rings on his weather machines and a picture of Elvis?

Oooooo I had Jumbo Haddock for tea ………. JUMBO……. Is someone manipulating trading standards. I know they say fish stocks are getting a bit low but there are bigger newts in our pond……. I had to eat two jumbo haddock not a newt. 

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The official first day of Autumn, Olympic tickets and a veggie curry

It appears that July 16^th is now the first official day of Autumn; yes a bit of a shock for everyone in the UK particularly as the end of this week is the first day of the summer holidays, or as they will be known from now on Autumn holidays. Yes it is now officially OK to start your Christmas shopping and getting your Christmas tree, a small word of advice, look for a tree that is floating high in the flood water is shows it is young and perky and will not drop every single needle on your living room floor until at least halfway through boxing day.

Not only is the impending holiday about to turn the minds of teenagers into the minds of teenagers but we are all about to head off on an odyssey called the Olympics, Not just any Olympics but the muzak filled, damp London Olympics. I don’t live near London and am yet to discover if I will be part of the event. The Media have told me everyone will be part of the event although if you wish to get in it will cost loads of money ………… AH, it appears the Opening ceremony still has seats available at the very modest and amusing price of £2012:00, O yes how we laughed when we heard of the committee’s witty pricing structure. They have now got the army to protect the perimeter fence but me and the dog plan to sail over the fence during the afternoon monsoon in a cunning plan to save £4024 pounds.

Talking of dogs I have learnt the it has been worked out scientifically that a average sized dog is the environmental equivalent to owning two 4X4,s  the dog says this is an insult and he is equal to at least three Jumbo jets and he now plans to write and complain (jumbo jets Com Plane…. HA H HA HHA Ha  HA HHA HA HH AH HAH HAhh ah hhaha hah hah ah hah ha hah hah hah ha ). A cat it appears is equal to a family salon, although I am not sure of make of colour.

Oooo you might have noticed I wrote ‘the MUZAK filled, damp London Olympics’ , just thought I would warn you, just in case……. And home made  veggie curry for tea YUM.

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The Olympic ban on Hamsters with straws, and a Coconut Palm

I dug up some potatoes today as the leaves are wilting a bit. OK yes I hear everyone going WHAT we don’t come here to read you have dug up potatoes and are planning to have them for tea……. Yes I know, the nice Steven Spielberg will not be impressed with gardening but it has been that sort of day, I have to admit I even repotted a Date palm and a Coconut palm. That sounds exotic but they both live in the house. The Date palm is one of the smaller ones with a maximum height of 10 feet as for the Coconut palm  well it might attempt to escape through the roof rather quickly. Coconut palms and British bungalows are slightly non compatible long term and it will not fair well outside in British weather, this according to the dog is because Coconuts are shy ………… HAH HHAHAH hah hahhah hah h hahahh ah hhah ah hh ha hah hah hahh hah hah ha a ah ha…

The palm in its new pot

I have also been cutting down some branches of trees although not the ones near the power line which I have been told really are 11,000 volts. That’s not what the dog told me when he made me cut all those other bits down next to the power lines a while back.

Although the weather has been OK today so far dry and sort of sunny without being too extreme it is Sunday, and as we know sometimes Sundays can suck the brains out of you’re head much like some aliens do or some monsters or hamsters when you are asleep. One of the reasons we don’t have a hamster anymore, after he was found sat on Mrs Jones head with a straw while she was having a little knap. It took the doctors ages to get the straw out of her ear and she says it has ruined her hearing on her left side, I never knew you could hear through your side as well as your ear until then.

I keep seeing Olympic things popping up in odd places at present, however the farmers are happy because in order to avoid copywrite infringements aliens are no longer producing crop circles as they are trying to avoid any bad press after rumours of them sucking the brains out of security trainee’s causing all sort of agro. And it also appears that just in case, the Olympic committee are banning hamsters from the Olympic Stadium, well all except the handful involved in the opening ceremony who will be frisked for straws first…..

I must go the slugs are demanding more beer…. 

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A jet wash, a cat, an RSPCA man and the best selling book on farming..... and a blog award

I was jet washing the path at the back of the house as it getting a bit slippery with mould and the like, as it is to the North side of the house. Apparently I was told that it was possible that I personally would be sued if someone fell as it is my responsibility to jet-wash it. This came about after a game of Paper Scissors Stone where as you will have guessed I lost again….. I don’t mind using the jet wash although the bottom two feet of me, not my two feet although the bottom two feet of me includes my two feet, got rather wet. As most of you will not know I only wear Converse trainers and have done so for a long time (it is a long story), they are usually rather battered so I ended up with very wet feet (two feet).

While I was doing the path the dog suggested that I could wash the cats at the same time, they are sulking now and both mum and the RSPCA man have said IDIOT. I did explain it was the dogs idea but when the RSPCA man went to see the dog he just sat there wagged his tail and picked up a piece of wood. When I tried to explain to him that the dog talks Latin and does my maths homework the RSPCA man said IDIOT again to me, and the dog dropped the piece of wood on his foot (one foot). He limped off then muttering (the Man not the dog or piece of wood) and the dog fell about in hysterics and was whispering something in Latin to mum. It appears it is best that the RSPCA don’t know that the dog speaks Latin as it would only cause problems, although it appears to be causing a few for me today.

Someone was telling me today about some best selling book all about crop farming, that is rather annoying, here am I on book two of my life and still no luck with that nice Steven Spielberg yet apparently he says he is waiting to see how it pans out as a series and is waiting for book four, and yet a book on farming I am told is selling like hot cakes. Well I guess cakes tend to be made of wheat so there is a sort of link but it is very annoying indeed.  I was planning to get a copy via the internet but mum said IDIOT again too, I guess she is right I have no interest in farming and a best selling book on farming is not going to change that.

OK that’s it I must away now and go and do other things before it gets dark and try and convince the cats that bold patches are trendy for cats this year……. Ooooo yes before I forget that book is called ‘Fifty Grades of Hay’ ……. No sorry but that sounds very boring? 

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I was awarded an award yesterday, and as you know I am not good with awards I have a few lost in the system somewhere. Anyway it was given by someone new to me so I have investigated their blog and it reminded me of Miss Lily. I like Miss Lily’s Blog so that is a good sign.  I think they really wanted to give the award to Miss Lily and not me but well Miss Lily has a shed full of awards so after many attempts to give the award to all the deserving Blogs who also have shed’s full of awards I got it. Apparently a friend of a friend said “Hay that Rob has a cool dog that speaks Latin and stuff like that, and it has rained in the UK since, well forever so give it to him he will never notice” that is not entirely true. They also said (the friend of a friend) “oooooo he will be a grumpy *********** ******* so just keep you head down and ignore anything he says he will whinge like hell”.  Now that is true …. Anyway here is said award  

 

This Award was awarded by Crazy Mama at (see link below) so have a look 

Cant keep it in no More

Many thanks 

There were questions and stuff but it is late so I will not do that now but all my favourite blogs will be found below the posts 

China, Umbrella's, Politics Football and Syria...

Today is Friday the thirteenth and is traditionally regarded as a day of bad luck in Britain, yet I have been told many times over the years that in China, Friday the thirteenth is a day of good luck. Interestingly I have learnt today that my very good friend Captain Nessman of the High Seas is to go to China for a year on a great adventure in August. Learning of this today makes me think this is a good omen for Captain Nessman and he will sail into a fair wind making his fortune in spices silks and gold. I will give my good friend a word of warning though, never gamble with the Chinese, many a westerner has left poor and destitute thinking they could win big time with one more roll of the dice. I am not sure of the world of cyberspace in China as it can move in mysterious ways; however access to my trusty blog is available across the world as luckily none of the powers that be understand a word of it…… PHEW…….  

I took my snakeskin lucky charm with the shrunken human head attached to it today; just to be on the safe side which as you know from the past has always had consequences and yet has always remained lucky for myself. Like the incident previously when the man painting the school windows who saw my lucky mascot, screamed and fell off the ladder, well it is easy to get a snake with a human head and a politician mixed up.  

After yesterdays non uniform day we decided that we would all take umbrellas to school  then when the 53% of school pupils went to visit the fish and chip shop we could attack the 71% of little old ladies who attacked the pupils dressed as The Blob with our umbrellas. It was difficult to work out which little old ladies represented the 71% so we decided to attack all 100% of the old ladies instead with our umbrellas.   It may seem harsh but these little old ladies need to learn there are repercussions to attacking an innocent monster eating fish and chips in the bus shelter.

It is very wet again, very very wet again as it happens, which is wet. I will go now as it appears the ASDA home delivery man, delivering the groceries has just met my snakes skin lucky charm with the human head and is screaming so he must think it is a politician as well.  
   

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POLITICS

I don’t often do politics but I feel tonight I should after listening to the news. The main story here in the UK is that a footballer called John Terry is an Innocent Man and not a racist as he would swear at everyone with the same viciousness and venom irrespective of race or colour, so that is OK then…. Over the last few years some effort has been made to make football appeal to a greater audience and yet highly paid footballers seem to have what talent they do possess firmly fixed in their balls and not their brain.

I would normally show no interest in such events or mention it here; except the second issue on the news has been Syria and the death of at least two hundred people reputably by the Syrian Army. So Syria slowly continues to be destroyed while the UN bickers over the personal interests of individual countries rather that resolve the problems of one. What has annoyed me in particular and thus this bit of politics in my diary is that all the news programs see the pathetic ranting and swearing of a so called celeb footballer as of more importance that the continued destruction of a country and the death of a large number of ordinary people caught up in a civil war. Maybe someone should tell the people of Syria that their lives are less important that a footballer’s reputation who as far as I can tell appears to think he has done nothing wrong…..      

The Creature from the Black Lagoon is 28% more likely to eat the pears than The Blob, but 42% of Things do not like apples

The Murk and gloom are taking there toll on the masses in Great Britain and it continues to be grey and wet on an almost constant loop day after day. In School with the pupils starting to look rather zombie like the headmaster decided today would be a ‘non uniform day’. He thought we could all dress up and make the place chirpy and fun, full of colour and excitement. He was a bit surprised though when over 93% of the schools pupils turning up as The Creature from the Black Lagoon , 3% turning up as man eating giant slugs, 2% as The Slime Creature of Atlantis,  !% as The Blob,  !% as a Thing and Esmeralda as Lady Ga Ga.

Some Stats for my blog for today show 99% of all readers run away

Of course this is not what the headmaster had planned, and the trip by 53% of the pupils to the fish and chip shop at lunch time in the grey wet gloom and murk  resulted in 28% of the towns population panicking and 5% of them hitting the pupils with umbrella’s. Of that 5% almost 98% of them in fact were little old ladies, and of that 98%, 71% 0f them had a preference for attacking the pupils dressed as The Blob; which when you bear in mind is only 1% of all the pupils in the school and 39% of them went into town for fish and chips meant that 18 pupils got beaten up by little old ladies more than The Creatures from the Black Lagoon.

We managed to get back to school before 57% of the police turned up in 23% of the police cars but by then 88% of the fish and chips were soggy and then just when we thought if could not get any worse the Mathematics teacher asked us a question; he said “Well you now have enough information to work out how many pupils are in the school, I expect 15% of you to get this right before I eat 5 apples and three pears which I will share with six people equally, and one who will get 45% of an apple”

Sadly we never got to find out what the answer to any of this was because Esmeralda catapulted the Maths teacher over the school in the direction of the out of town supermarket with an accuracy of only 8% so he landed on the headmasters car, which was 100% damaged.

    

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