The UK heat wave and the the occupational hazards of Physics teachers

Today is even hotter than yesterday so today is very hot.  There is another preview of art at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop tonight so lots of running about by mum as she sorts this out. Napoleon Beelzebub has had a whole load of paperwork suddenly arrive from, He Who Must be Obeyed; in connection with the entire Bahrain ruling family.

Mr Beelzebub is muttering about paperwork now and complaining that the last thing he needs down in the depths of his establishment is even more leaders of non democratic countries who only complain at him about stuff. Which incidentally is not really the thing to do if you don’t want eternal damnation to get worse than it is? But as Mr Beelzebub often says POWER corrupts and that luckily I will never need to worry about that happening to me …. Phew that’s good.

Talking about power we were doing an experiment at school on power in teams, somehow I ended up in a team with Esmeralda so I let her be leader just in case. Electricity can be really interesting especially when you can get it to arc across the entire classroom from the end of a metal poker (the one I made in metalwork) to the head of the new replacement Physics supply teacher. He must have been quite impressed himself because he shouted and leapt in the air waving his arms about. Unfortunately the school had a power cut just then and the teacher must have slipped somehow because he had to go to hospital, he appeared to be a little charred but that is one of the occupational hazards of Physics teachers.

I really must try and get my poker back from Esmeralda, I have tried asking for it a couple of times now but she snarls at me. I wonder if she is related to Mr Beelzebub although he is no where near as scary as she is.

Anyway I will have to go as I need to look smart for the preview and talk posh to people and Sooty the Cat is meowing and trying to dribble into my keyboard which will do no one no good. Sooty it is one of those days.

Sorry I'm in a bit of a rush today ...................................................... Life really 




............................................................. A few hours Later

Fiona Knight                Yes it is rather barmy weather, however make the most of it as next week we shall be back into to our arctic fleeces as temperatures are really going to drop by Wednesday. Have a great evening at the preview, and keep sooty away from your posh clothes otherwise you know what your mum will say.....

I have returned from being nice to the punters and telling them that art is very important and they should buy original work from artists. After all it is one of the things that distinguishes us from other animals, well most other animals because there are several birds that like to ornate their nests. The dog says this might mean that mankind is descended from Birds, which might also account for our long term desire to fly, lets face it most animals have little or no desire to fly anywhere. The dog also thinks this may also account for the irrational flapping of arms in moments of crisis by the human race unlike dogs who hide under a table or bite something.

I think Miss Fionaski might be right about the weather because the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy machine has been muttering about the autumn storm again and saying that we should remember it is autumn and the fact it is hotter than it was in summer is just lulling us into a false sense of security. Captain Flint the parrot has just said WE ARE ALL DOOMED but mum has added IDIOT......

the GM Free Zone, Bob’s genetically modified cockroach chutney and Fake Rolex's

It has been the hottest day of the year so far I think. That is not meant to happen at the end of September in the northern hemisphere it should be autumn and getting cold. It is very confusing for the Crows and Rooks only a week ago they were circling in the evening and starting to sing their winter song.  

The dog and dad spent the day sun bathing in the sun while Captain Flint the Parrot was outside telling the Rooks that their sun dials were running fast due to the fact Einstein was wrong so its only July and not the end of September.  The Owls are still hooting but then Owls can’t use a sun dial anyway because its dark, they have to rely on Rolex’s, otherwise they don’t have a clue about time. The dog says they prefer to have a Rolex over other makes of watch such as Casio or Timex as they are more reliable.

I have sometimes heard Owls in the day but this according to the dog is because they have fake Rolex’s made in China and these may look flash but they just don’t work correctly and are as he put it  ******** RUBBISH.

At school today we tried to create a fifteen foot long genetically modified worm in Biology but we didn’t have enough DNA to finish the experiment so Esmeralda added a bit of yeast and flour to the mix. We thought is best just to nod our heads and agree it was a good idea. The result was that we ended up with fifteen foot long worm flavoured bagels, they were OK as it happens and we ate them on the bus coming home, with mature cheddar cheese and Bob’s genetically modified cockroach chutney.

The headmaster has sent everyone home with an official letter from the School Governors that the school as from tomorrow will be an officially GM free zone. Bob did warn the Biology teacher that letting Esmeralda make the School Governors their lunch was not a good move and it would all end in tears. As it happened it all ended in a trip to Hospital to have their stomachs pumped out, and the headmaster told us when he got back from visiting the School Governors. It is the first time that they have had anyone whose stomach has been pumped out and then the object has slithered away into the car park. Apparently too much screaming and Mass Hysteria.  Mum said IDIOTS 

The Empire State Building, growing Potatoes and Steam Powered Armadillos

Mum and dad received loads of paperwork about the house move this morning. I have had a look at it but it all appears to be in legal talk,  Even the dog says legal talk is strange and the odd word moved about a bit can mean you end up buying The Empire State Building instead of a bungalow in the country with loads a apple trees and other stuff. The plan is to be more self sufficient and grow chip butties.

Anyway everyone has had a look at the paper work and gone AH ….. ?????????????? … mmmmmm its ?????? Well everyone except Captain Flint the Parrot who thinks the plans are a treasure map and all the words are in code. Well he is half right as the words are in code. Captain Flint is also convinced we are now buying The Empire State Building, but I have to clean the upstairs windows so that’s not good and I have been told they don’t grow Potatoes in The Empire State Building and that’s not good either.

Sorry I got distracted again. Today in School we discussed the thermal dynamic properties of different materials and we all had to take a material to school to do testing and stuff. Dad very kindly gave me one of his Steam Powered Armadillos, he said he though it very unlikely anyone else would take an Armadillo and he was right. The teacher was a little surprised as he said it was not entirely what he had in mind and the Steam powered Armadillo did fight with the   Dynamic Mechanical Spectroscopy and drank the teacher’s cup of tea. Then the teacher said Esmeralda you need to consider the Phenomenological Aspect of your material and undertake a creep test and measure the time dependent strain  ….. (t) = δ(t)/L. Well she got the wrong end of the stick altogether so now the school will need yet another temporary physics teacher. I really must try and get my poker back from her (the one I made in metalwork).

I am sure that some of you will realize things are in a state (not the Empire State) of limbo a present (and not the dance); and that the possible impending move is making things slow up due to uncertainty of timescales. Which have been made even worse by the fact that we now have particles that move faster than light? That one fact alone means you may as well throw your watches away and use a sun dial. (Or will it mean a sun dial will now run fast bother). And moving in England and Wales using a sun dial is fraught with logistical problems and men scratching their heads and pointing at sofas. 

Still, we are still scratching our own heads at present at paperwork and going AH ….. ?????????????? … mmmmmm its ?????? and putting things in boxes. Which as we all know are of intense interest to cats?

Arbroath Smokies and making forged twenty pound notes

We don’t often feel sorry for the Ghost Writer but he has spent the entire day trapped in a room with no windows, listening to various people talk about things. He says he was struggling to concentrate on the right things and kept drifting off on tangents in his mind. I know that feeling well, it happens to me all the time.

He was OK until he shouted out no keep the kippers away from me I want an Arbroath Smokie and some WHEELBARROWS, while they were all deep in discussion about financial planning and future organisational restructure.  He then had to explain to everyone that the fish represented the different client base of the organisation and the wheel barrows the organisation and that by repositioning the wheel barrows it was possible to deal with the different fish (clients) in an efficient manor. But they made him draw diagrams and he had to present a Powerpoint presentation in the afternoon and flow charts, and tidal speeds and everything.

So instead of getting away with keeping his head down and eating cake at the end he ended up talking rubbish for three hours and was then dragged away by the management committee to be praised on his wonderful alternative analysis of the business.  To make things worse when he got back all the end of meeting refreshments and cake had been eaten and all that was left was a few sardine sandwiches. Which he didn’t really fancy as he had spent several hours talking about fish in the hierarchical structure of his organisation.  That would put most people off fish for sure.

It was a beautiful sunny day today and I too drifted off during the Maths lesson and then suddenly shouted out the cubic square of three hundred and twenty three Minus fifty eight plus a side salad and chips the teacher said well done Rob I am well impressed have a gold star. Sadly it was not a real gold star just a fake one made of paper. You would think that a school would be trustworthy enough not to try and con young impressionable children with fake gold stars.  That’s the first step on the slippery road to making forged twenty pound notes like dad does, although I am not allowed to tell you that …………………..AH …….. I did it again. Mum just said IDIOT.

The haul of Silver Treasure, MI6, The CIA and the secret service. Plus and the grumbling Parrot.

Typical as we head back to school on the school bus, the sun is shining and the sky is blue and it is nice and warm. Although having said that Miss Elaine has said via the miracles of the internet that she is going into hiding as a tornado is due (the windy stuff not the jet fighter ……I think?). The dog always compares such things as this to throwing toast on the floor (Sorry accidently dropping).

The dog and I even tested this by accidently dropping loads of toast on the floor and every single bit landed butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter side down. Mum then shouted at us even though I explained it was an experiment and I ended up with no toast and going to school hungry while the dog ate all the toast with butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter on the floor …… NOT FAIR. Luckily I did hide a few bits in my shirt for lunch time although I was rather sticky and was attacked by wasps at break time. So I had toast with butter, maple syrup, anchovy and peanut butter sandwiches with eye pie and pork scratching jelly for pudding, its well yummy especially the crunchy bits.

When I got home the dog, and the Ghost of Steven Spielberg were sun bathing, can a ghost sun bath? Anyway that is a distraction, Captain Flint the Parrot was complaining that someone had found all his silver hidden in his pirate ship at the bottom of the sea and he had given me the treasure map to look after, and now look what had happened. Funnily I have not seen the treasure map since Pirate Pete left on his adventure with Rusty the Six Legged Steam Powered Dog that dad made.

The Dog thinks that Pirate Pete sold the map to MI6 and the CIA so he could buy a flash ship like Captain Nessman of the High Seas has. And the Secret Service has invented a cover story to run off with Captain Flint the Parrot’s stash of Pirate gold and silver. Even mum thinks it is very likely so it must be true. The Parrot said he plans to take MI6 to court to get his booty back (that’s the silver not his shoes). But dad says if he tries he will end up with concrete booties and a trip to the lake so best to stay mum (that’s as in quiet not become a mum, he’s the wrong sex).

Well that’s it now; a squawking complaining parrot all night even with a pile of extra Brazil nuts.

Wildebeest, the Financial Times and the Christmas Angel in an Ark eating ice cream

An overcast Sunday with no wind no people, just a few Wildebeest, Sheep and Cows picking at the grass vergers, does not lend itself to a day of excitement. Even the dog has got his head buried in the Financial Times and is muttering about the impending global economic melt down. He thinks the price of bones is about to increase and he may have to eat the cats.

So I am writing this bit of my diary now, before I venture off to adventure although as things stand I may end up chasing Wildebeest up and down the road. This can be rather exciting when they stampede, but the problem is I am not a Lion and they tend to look at me and just carry on eating the grass vergers. It’s Mr Jenkins from next door’s new hobby, making religious relics out of grass, the local verger is very old and definitely a relic.

 Now look that is not the point; the point is I am not a lion, and to a Wildebeest that is an important point, mum has just said IDIOT she would not say that if I was a Lion I’m sure. Dam it I have lost the thread now so will go away and return much later. Bye

I have returned several hours later and guess what there is no one about, everyone who lives in our little road has vanished the main square has been abandoned so this is not the best situation for a diary. I think if they make the block buster movie this will be the point to go a get an ice-cream from those nice ladies in the aisle, although the dog says they vanished with the arc. Did they; I didn’t know that and is it an ark or an arc because that will affect the timing, I asked the dog but he said IDIOT.

Sunday in Montgomery. 

Unfortunately the Wildebeest has just run round the corner into the main square otherwise the town is deserted  

Anyway the one good thing that has come out of all this quiet is I have started the Christmas Angel (fairy) for the Christmas window in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. Apparently I will be in big bother if I don’t get it done in time, it needs to be produced by the 4^th November in time for the big Christmas Preview. YICKS. 

The Old Grey Whistle Test, Brinsley Schwarz, Charlie Chaplin and Latin for Dogs

Ian the Musical Hat Maker was on the television set last night as they were showing an old Old Grey Whistle Test (when I say old Old I just mean Old and that it was an old one). Anyway Ian the Musical Hat Maker was a member of Brinsley Schwarz and wrote songs for them and can be found in loads of places in cyberspace even in wikipedia, Well Cool. He is a very nice man and has many musical hats, although I don’t think he has a punk one yet?

First thing this morning I had to go into the main square and do a couple of things, get milk, sell a one legged Budgerigar and his mate, point at clouds and stuff etc. I was only meant to be a few minutes and then go home, but you can’t do that in Montgomery in the main square. Firstly there was Charlie Chaplin standing about trying to do the Charleston only he has no feet so found it extremely difficult. Then Miss Vicky the Proof Reader was in town guarding an old bell which rumour has it was recovered from the wreck of the first pirate ship to reach the shores of the lake in the middle of town a long time ago.

Then people would start talking to me sort of:-

HELLO ROB HOW ARE YOU

Hello fine

OOOOOOO HAVE YOU SEEN CHARLIE CHAPLIN HE’S RUBBISH AT DANCING

Yes I

AND HE ONCE HAD A LIFT IN THE BACK OF MY TAXI

Really I

O YES LOVELY MAN WAS A FRIEND OF MICHAEL CAINE, YOU KNOW THE CHAP WHO MADE THAT FILM ABOUT WHATS HIS NAME  ……………  …………….. PRESIDENT CARTER

Are you sure you don’t mean

O YES HE WAS ONCE IN MY CAB BUT NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THAT  ……… HA HAH HAHH AHHAHAHA

Well I must

HOWS THE NICE CAPTAIN NESSMAN THESE DAYS IS HE STILL DOING MAD THINGS AT SEA

Well

THE WEATHER IS NOT THE SAME THESE DAYS IS IT I BLAME THAT NAPOLEON BEELZEBUB, YOU WOULD THINK HE WOULD GIVE US A HEAT WAVE RATHER THAN RAIN

Yes rain is

ANYWAY YOU MUST STOP CHATTING ROB I HAVE LOTS TO DO AND YOU ARE STOPPING ME DOING THEM

OK bye then

AND HOW IS YOUR MUM THESE DAYS IS SHE WELL

Yes she said you’re an IDIOT

AH ………………………………………… MUST GO BYE THEN MASTER ROB

Bye

And so it went through the morning, I met loads of people this morning and arrived back home at 2:00pm instead of 10:30am. The dog thought is was very amusing indeed and said IF YOU SPEAK LATIN TO THEM THEY WOULD ALL RUN AWAY, but they run away from the dog because he has red eyes huge fangs and snarls at them in Latin which is not quite the same.

 

This afternoon we were at the recycling skips and threw out loads of total rubbish but we noticed that there was a large number of old cutlass’s, anchors and chains in the metal recycling which the man said were thrown in yesterday by a mad old pirate who kept hissing at him.

So that’s it I can’t write any more because Sooty the cat is trying to lick me and you will get bored. We don’t want that after the run away success of book one. OK it is not a book yet but then neither is Latin for Dogs, which is why most of them are rubbish at Latin........

Paul Nessman               I didn't know that "Pub Rock" was a musical genre...Thank you for helping me to learn something new today, Robby! I wonder if it is like Punk Rock...they are spelled the same...nearly. This Ian Gomm chap is listed as one of Brinsley Schwarz's members...haven't I heard that name in one of your archives?

Indeed you have Captain Nessman. Ian the Musical Hat Maker is the singer in the following clip from The Old Grey Whistle Test. He lives about 15 miles away and is a very nice chap as is his wife Auntie Karen ........ only she is not a chap. And I think this song was written for Auntie Karen too so she quite likes it.

PUB ROCK IS MORE LIKE AS FOLLOWS

Paul Nessman               It is similar to what we call 'Southern Rock' over here in the USA. It is much easier to simply call it all Rock & Roll, in my opinion. Thank you for sharing, Robby! Cheers...or should I say, Goodnight Irene :)

Well to most North of the Watford Gap; Chas and Dave are Southern Rock. Not quite the same cool street cred as Brinsley Schwarz, but richer.

I once sold a birthday Card to Albert Lee in Napoleon Beelzebub's Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop ...... Its a strange world. …….. (I think it was a Christmas card as it happens.)

The Ghost of Steven Spielberg's biography and a Spider deep fried in batter with a sugar cage and caviar

Our world in the far reaches of cyberspace is changing. Its all that Mark Zuckerberg’s fault what with the changes he is making to his empire in the cyber wars with Google+. And then there is the impending house move which will radically effect or porthole between cyberspace and the real world. The dog says this is the way of life, it changes and often we have no control over such things.

Anyway the result of this in school today was the teachers spent most of the morning rubbing the nose of the  bronze bust of Samuel Taylor Coleridge and keeping their fingers crossed which meant I could hardly read anything on the blackboard. It is not easy to write on a blackboard holding chalk with your fingers crossed, I even tried it myself but it said sgs wpituiwt iuwetiitiu  kjiweriuiu34iutiurewt kghjdfahgfahe jgsdjg;g and I couldn’t read that either.

After school when I got home I found The Ghost of Steven Spielberg sitting in the garden playing chess with the dog, The dog plays in Latin and always beats me so I refuse to play now as its £10:00 for each piece lost and winner takes all so it can cost me loads.

The Ghost of Steven Spielberg says he was getting bored in the wood so thought he would come and see us.  He said the Ghost Writer was doing such a good job turning me into a book that he thought he would get him to write his biography. A ghost writing about a ghost rather appealed to The Ghost of Steven Spielberg, the only thing is because he is a ghost he has no money so the Ghost Writer will get no money.  But that’s OK the Ghost Writer is used to getting no money and he would only spend it on food and fuel for the car and heating etc, silly man.

We are still packing stuff up and clearing rubbish for the proposed move of house. It is amazing just how much stuff you can squeeze into a house in twenty years; so I helping a bit before we go off to Big Bill’s Greasy Fur Ball Café for a meal; mum and dad say I have to help clear or sit in the car park tonight until they have eaten, mmmmmmmm that’s NOT FAIR. I have just found some stuff from the last people who lived in the house so we must be getting near the end of it all. Mum just said IDIOT and the dog is rolling about in Hysterics so maybe not.

I do know one thing there’s still a lot of in the house; and that is spiders. We have always liked spiders although the big ones have to watch out or Heavy Harry the Cat and Sooty the Cat will try and eat them if they scurry across the floor. The dog says the cats have no manners or class, and if you must eat a spider it should be deep fried in batter with a sugar cage and caviar, and eaten with a 1989 Romanée-Conti.

Mark Zuckerberg and the new Facebook. Sooty the Cat, the dog, the Ghost writer and a game of Poker

It was interesting in school we were all doing our school work and pottering about as you do taking bets on two flies walking up a window pane. Sadly the one fly had to be disqualified for being on Steroids. We told the History teacher that they really should not leave their steroids on the window sill and that a fly had been walking on them.

Then out of the blue projected onto the walls of the school class rooms we suddenly had a very nice man called Mark Zuckerberg. Well we all know who he is; he’s the Facebook man, although he is still very young and bouncy as the Ghost Writer puts it. A bit like Sooty the Cat who is lovely but drives us all mad, so they have a lot in common, although I’m sure Mr Zuckerberg does not eat eight meals a day. OK he might because we were watching him on the wall (not in person but his projected image) and he talked about food a lot at one point. Sooty the cat does that too only he goes Meeeeeeeeeeeoooowww over and over again.

Anyway he was going on about changing everything and looking at patterns in our friends. I tried to look at Esmeralda’s patterns but they just looked very scary so I pretended that I was looking at things in her ear although she still hit me with the poker (the one I made in metalwork). Mr Zuckerberg's image said we will all need to study very hard for our IT degrees or else we will not pass our Facebook entry examination…… AH. That might scupper my plans a bit, I don’t like exams much. The very nice Mr Zuckerberg also said we all love Apps. Well, that’s not true, me and the Ghost Writer for two don’t do Apps. But the dog thinks it’s all a cunning plan.

The dog recons that Mr Zuckerberg was in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop today signing a bit of paper and all this Apps stuff is so he can make loads and loads of money. Well that would be fine only he is already worth loads and loads of money; unlike me and the Ghost Writer. The dog beat us again today at poker so the dog is worth loads and loads of money until the morning when he plans to blow the lot on bones and jelly. YUK.

I seem to need more pictures too, if I use Facebook. Mr Zuckerberg had loads of them on his wall and I just have loads of words. The dog said people like pictures more that words and  a single picture can tell the story of a thousand words, so it is just as well I write as much as I do, not having many pictures.

One thing that did puzzle me while Mr Mark Zuckerberg was projected on the school walls is if he is on Facebook, then why has he not asked to be my friend as I write more than almost everyone on Facebook. Mum said IDIOT but I am not sure who she means?

Ooooo by the way I would just like to thank Mr Mark Zuckerberg for helping me on another rather quiet autumn day for news……… THANKS

Einstein’s theory, the bus, the dog and the first law of Molecular Ironic Reaction

As we all know Einstein’s “second law,” m = E/ c^2 i.e. m = E/ c2 means that stuff happens in life, like the seagulls attacking Mr Jenkins dinner in the park at the weekend and Auntie Karen’s ukulele band playing the O2 arena in London accidently on the wrong date to an audience of the security man and his dog. They both enjoyed it, and tried crowd surfing but with no success    

Anyway this is taking us away from the point which is ironic because Einstein’s second law, m = E/ c^2 i.e. m = E/ c2 is taking us away from the point, as in the Big Bang. A bit like the School Bus, as the driver often says WHAT’S THE POINT. Someone on the bus will always tell him but he is often distracted as he has to shout at other drivers and wave his fists a lot and make rude gestures at little old grannies in cars, who sort of get in the way by accidently being on the road going to the shops at the same time as the school bus.

The dog decided he would race the school bus to school today as that’s where it goes; which is why it’s called the school bus. The dog told the bus driver he was a rubbish useless driver who drove like a mamby pamby little old lady (The bus driver not the dog). Well that was like a red rag to a bull and we had the fastest ever bus trip to school it was so fast we missed picking up most of the pupils. But as one would expect the dog was already there sat in a comfy chair reading the morning paper, it was a surprise for the driver and he said AAAAAAAAUUUUUuuuuuuggggHHHHh. I think it was the fact the dog had time to get the morning paper from the shop on the way that really upset the driver.

But of course the dog was using my Einstein Cube so the poor old bus driver stood no chance as it took the dog 0.0000 secs. The dog told the bus drive that m = E/ c^2 i.e. m = E/ c2, and therefore a School bus will always be bigger than a egg and move slower than a dog, it is a basic law of Physics. I am not sure that the bus driver understood a single word of what the dog said and in a classic case of Molecular Ironic Reaction. As the bus driver wandered along the path back to the bus, to drive back to the depot scratching his head a little old lady accidently ran over his foot mistaking him for a bollard (that happens when you wear a day glow orange safety jacket.  

Not many people know that the first law of  Molecular Ironic Reaction was Mrs Einstein’s theory in order to prove to Mr Einstein he was not the only smart Ass. And in another ironic twist of fate the Second law of Molecular Ironic Reaction states that everyone will forget about the first law. Well it just goes to show.

Oooooo by the way just in case anyone was wondering as it happens, not much happened today.

The Princess and the Peat. Cute Steam Powered Ferrets and The Pit of Doom

More time tonight to write, sorry last night was all very stressful; too much to do in a limited time.

Today has been very grey, so not only has the ghost writer endured the curse of the grey office so has everyone else, even if we were not in offices, but alas it is the time of year. The only good is that discussing the weather is a great British tradition and so we were all saying oooooo its very grey and damp.

One thing that has resulted as a result of the damp grey day is that the Thirty Foot Steam Powered Alien Robot has returned home this evening. It does not like living in the woods in the damp with the autumn leaves falling on him and the occasional rambler screaming and badgers nibbling his cables in the evening. And he has a family of young Ferrets to look after now after accidently becoming pregnant in the school playground when Rogers Ferret sort of attacked it. I did try to ask mum and dad now a male Thirty Foot Steam Powered Alien Robot could end up having a litter a Steam Powered Ferrets but they said DONT ASK.

Anyway it has set up home in the Pit of Doom at the end of the garden with the Grumbling Child in it. Ironically he has not grumbled (the child not the Robot) and thinks the baby Steam Powered Ferrets are very cute, well it just goes to show you can never judge people from their appearance. We might leave them behind when we move house as dad says they appear to all be very happy down in the Pit of Doom and the new people will never notice the huge scary Pit of Doom. Mum said IDIOT, I tend to agree with that I think they might notice the hole and the big sign saying BEWARE THE PIT of DOOM and a family of Stream Powered Ferrets, a Thirty Foot Steam Powered Alien Robot with a death ray and a Grumbling Child.

Talking of Grumbling children in the gymnasium this afternoon during the Physical Education lesson Esmeralda stacked all four hundred safety mats in a pile and stuck a large bag of Peat under it and said that she was unable to sleep on it because of the lumps and was obviously a princess. The teacher was going to tell her that it was not a bag of peat but should be a pea but after the incident with the Physics teacher we all thought if best to just agree with her; after all you can grow peas in a bag of peat so she is sort of right.

As it happens Roger and his ferret missed the school bus home tonight because they fell asleep on the pile of four hundred safety mats so I have learnt today that neither Roger or his Ferret are Princesses. And that it is a bad move to let Esmeralda knight you even in a pretend re-enactment of Kind Arthur of the Round Table with a sharp heavy poker in the school playground. 

Just in case anyone is wondering I made the poker in metalwork.

A BAG FOR LIFE MADE OUT OF PAPER, Captain Jack Sparrow and Elvis

I called in to see Napoleon Beelzebub today after school in his shop he was going AAAAuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhh a lot. Apparently from the start of October he has to charge for carrier bags and give all the profits to charity. He is OK with this as he says people get the wrong idea about him all together, it is not his fault if they sell their souls to the devil and he has to punish them with eternal damnation.

He says he lets them know exactly what they are signing and gives them a cup of tea and a biscuit and explains eternal damnation is not very nice, for a few years of greed, corruption and glory.

Anyway plastic bags……… Mr Beelzebub said he is obliged to charge for single use carrier bags a minimum of 5p and all profits then have to go to charity but he said his bags cost more than 5p so he phoned up the Welsh Assembly Government to find out about this. The very nice lady said if you don’t make any profits after cost then you do not have to donate to charity. Then he asked about his posh bags what they now trendily called Bags for Life; and they said a Bag for Life must be made of thick Plastic, but Napoleons are made of paper and the nice lady said YOU CAN’T HAVE A BAG FOR LIFE MADE OUT OF PAPER THEY ARE SINGLE USE BAGS. Mr Beelzebub was not happy he said I HAS POSH PAPER BAGS MADE FOR MULTIPLE USE AND THEY COST EITHER 25P OR 50P EACH AND SO WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO MEANT TO DO. But she said Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa a lot Mr Beelzebub said I THOUGHT THE WHOLE IDEA WAS TO STOP THE USE OF PLASTIC BAGS NOT ENCOURAGE IT but the nice lady said Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa a lot. Then the lady said that a Bag for Life has to be charged for or it is not a Bag for life. But as Mr Beelzebub said to her that HE IS OBLIGED TO CHARGE FOR SINGLE USE BAGS BECAUSE THEY ARE SINGLE USE, BUT HE IS ALSO OBLIGED TO CHARGE FOR A BAG FOR LIFE OR IT IS NOT A BAG FOR LIFE and the nice lady said Aaaaaaaaaa a lot but she did say he must give any profits to charity and Mr Beelzebub said again MY BAGS COST MORE THAN I AM GOING TO CHARGE PEOPLE and she said Aaaaaaaaaa a lot.

Mr Beelzebub in the end said was she interested in wealth and fame instead of a life in carrier bags  and that a life away from them would do her good and all she needed to do was sign a small piece of paper. But she said that it was a single use piece of paper and therefore she could not sign it without a small charge. It was that point where Mr Beelzebub started going AAAAuuuuuuuuugggggghhhhhh a lot.

When I got home mum said she had been to the NEC to a trade show for Mr Beelzebub and had seen a man from World War One wandering about; Captain Jack Sparrow and Elvis Plus a whole load of huge strange Elephants. And that it was rubbish, although she did see one very cool thing which she recons would be WELL COOL in our new garden although she forgot to tell me what it was NOT FAIR

Ooooo by the way off drumming tonight so that’s Well Cool also

the Hammond Organ in The Abominable Dr. Phibes and the fleet of Small Steam Powered Armadillos

The Italian couple who are buying the house called into Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop as they had been passing Montgomery and told him they don’t want the huge Hammond organ in our cellar. Well that is a surprise but we are going to take it with us now. Only it will need twenty men to move it.

Dad says he will make a fleet of Small Steam Powered Armadillos that the organ can be rested on and they will quietly scurry towards our new house with the organ. Mum said IDIOT to dad. That is rather unfair as dad is very keen on Armadillos and they tend not to malfunction like some of the larger things he makes. I don’t know how many a Fleet of Armadillos is but it must be a lot, that organ weighs lots. It sounds dead cool though, like the Organ in The Abominable Dr. Phibes. We have mentioned him before but not in connection our organ in the cellar (I think?) which hisses and clicks and hums.

I still find it amazing they don’t want it they will live to regret it; there are not many of them left these days, it’s all those plastic digital things that are as dad likes to say rubbish. Mind you; you don’t need a fleet of Small Steam Powered Armadillos to move them or run the risk of being dissolved in acid by a mad doctor. But there is no denying that the old analogue valve driven music has a much better sound than much of the modern stuff, which is why I do African drumming and play a Watkins Rapier 44 guitar.     

Anyway the dog and I were in the woods for a while but as it is turning to autumn, the leaves are falling and the cold is making all the critters slow and go into hiding and it was very quiet. Even the crows were not shouting today so maybe winter is closer than we thought. It has been a classic autumn Sunday, me and the dog think we may have to resort to annoying Mr Jenkins next door again if next Sunday is like today, he will like that he has not been in my story for ages……… I just heard a muffled scream from Mr Jenkins so he must be excited about that or may be The Abominable Dr. Phibes has come to see him. See what happens when you rely on the National Health…….. HAHAH Hah hah hah hah ah ah ha ha hah hahah hhHAHAH HAHAHh HAAH hhahahah.  Mum said IDIOT again now 

Ken, Judas Priest, the Washing Machine, Lemmings and Baby Ferrets

A member of the Ghost Writer’s family called in to see him this morning as he was having breakfast with us, and they were telling us they had been off playing golf with Ken from the band Judas Priest.  Now that is all very well but this is Judas Priest we are talking about, WHAT one of then is called Ken and designs Golf courses that’s not right I’m sure.

Anyway just to prove the world is a strange place Miss Fionaski had her old washing machine stolen from her garden last night, although they did not take anything else and where very good and closed the gate after they left. The dog thinks the two things might be connected and thinks that if it gets out that Judas Priest play golf and live in posh houses in Shropshire and not the fiery darkened dungeons of Napoleons Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop then Album sales might suffer. So in a desperate attempt at street cred they sneaked into Miss Fionaski’s garden and ran off with her old Washing Machine. I can see that all that leaping about on stage would make you very sweaty and a washing machine is something you might need. But Mum has said IDIOTS so I take it from mum that she does not agree.

There is a posh wedding in the square tonight I can tell because there is a posh dress code that people wear to weddings that they don’t wear to anything else. Mum and dad are not going because dad said he is making a new steam powered exercise machine to help exercise the Lemmings in the woods. It has a nice round glass door and a big drum that spins so that they can run in it to keep dry and not fall over cliffs (not as in Cliff Richard but as in AAAUuuuuuuuugh splat). Me and Mum think it looks just like an old washing machine but dad insists it is not and never has been a washing machine ever, and was not left in a garden down the road. Mum has thrown the Armadillo toaster at dad now ??????

Ooooo one final little thing on the way home in the car with dad (it’s a long story and if I wrote everything I would go mad) I saw a sign saying Ferrets For Sale near the woods. Well that might just mean dads malfunctioning Thirty Foot Steam Powered Alien Robot has had the baby ferrets now …….. WELL COOL…

Captain Nessman of the High Seas                          The world is indeed a strange place. I was only, just a few minutes ago, listening to 'Sad Wings of Destiny'. This has always been one of my favorite albums, I mean 8-tracks, I mean CD's. Actually, the first time that I heard it was on my Mom and Dad's 8-track player back in 1981. I saw Judas Priest live in concert on their 'Screaming for Vengeance' tour in 1983 or 84 in Green Bay, Wisconsin. It was an awesome show...no signs of golf clubs though. Rob Halford rode out onto the stage on his Harley Davidson motorcycle...no signs of old washing machines either...Hmmmmmm...

The technical Error and Miss Lily

As it happens I got a message today from Miss Lily of another Blog. in cyberspace and I need to just point out that I don't have a clue what I am doing with Blogs. So I hope no one else has had problems. Mum says I should not mess about with stuff I don't understand, as it happens the Chemistry teachers says I should not mess about with stuff I don't understand too usually just before a big bang (not the Big Bang just a big  bang)

Anyway Miss Lily 's home in cyberspace is here. Do have a look, I have also found out Miss Lily has a scary friend  in another bit of cyberspace ,but Napoleon Beelzebub says he's all talk and no bite and he even talks less than Napoleon Beelzebub too.

A Friend in Cyberspace

Rollerball and the Wicker Man. And some rather nice Chip Butties

Its Friday and the end of another week.  The town was very still this morning, a definite feel of Autumn and I have noticed the crows are shouting quite a lot too. Napoleon Beelzebub has given me the task of making a Christmas Angel for his Window this year. It might seem a little early to discuss, but as he says in the world of commerce one must think ahead.

I don’t mind doing the Christmas Angel, it will be easier that the original, Plan One. which was the three Kings but there are three of them so we have abandoned them now. Not as in chucked them out the car at the side of the road, but as in chained to the walls of the cells (as in Brain) of non existence. The dog is well upset he thought he might help as he rather likes Elvis and the thought of having three of them all dress up in sequins singing Hound Dog in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop Christmas Window was very exciting indeed.

He says he is not planning to help make an Angel, also Napoleon Beelzebub says the Christmas Angel needs to have horns although he who must be obeyed (he says that but no one does) says they are only allowed to be small horns.

O yes school I did Physics, Geography, French, English, Woodwork, Entomology, hieroglyphics, Economics, Rollerball, Basket Weaving and Mud Wrestling. The head Master has already banned Mud Wrestling after this week as the parents have been complaining that after spending a whole £2:00 on a new uniform in Tesco they have all been ruined by mud. It is the fault of the new Physical Education teacher who has a subscription to one of those pay to view sports channels and keeps coming up with stupid ideas. Rollerball was good though even if they did have to call two ambulances at lunch time, I think the headmaster plans to ban that too. Personally I would ban Basket Weaving although Esmeralda did make a very good Wicker Man that looked just like the Physics teacher. I saw her at the end of school skipping up the corridor with it and a can of petrol, laughing hysterically (Esmeralda not the petrol). She said she wanted to show it to the physics teacher that was nice of her.  

Chip Butties for tea YUM they are vegetables so if I eat five Chip Butties then that is really healthy  WELL COOL ……………. Mum just said IDIOT that’s not fair? I still think potatoes are a vegetable myself.

I saw Zilly the Witch flying over earlier she was off to see the Banshees. Zilly is an old friend but I have never mentioned her before and there is a very good reason for that. Because when I said HELLO she said Chan e gogadh nan ceann a nì an t-iomradh ……  I know she does stuff like that, but she comes from Scotland. 

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Mole Bubble Squeak and IDIOTS

School has slipped back into the normal routine of life now; no one remembers the long summer holiday any longer and the teachers are all grumbling that they need a holiday as the pupils are very stressful and demanding. Some of them don’t even do their homework (that’s teachers not pupils).

But as we pointed out to the History teacher we don’t have to rub the nose of Samuel Taylor Coleridge in the morning at school  before starting work and that it is traditional for pupils to be rubbish, it is what we are good at………….  

I’m sure no one is interested but the full stop in the wrong place that would not delete turned out to be a mark on my monitor, (HA HAH HAHHah hah hahahahahhah hh ha ha) mum just said IDIOT.

We have a mole that has returned to our lawn, dad is convinced it has been sent by the people from Italy who are buying our house, to mess the lawn up so they can go AH LOOK that’s three hundred thousand pounds off the price as you have a lumpy lawn. Dad is trying plan one which is to put bits of fire lighter down the holes only he said after about twenty minutes he had to stop because the smell was making him ill. Well that is a good sign although the plan is to get rid of the mole not the people from the lawn.

It is an interesting thing about moles but everyone you meet has an old family remedy for the removal of moles from lawns and dad had to listen to several of them in the shop when he bought the fire lighters. He did say it was a shame that the Thirty Foot Steam Powered Alien Monster malfunctioned as it would be ideal because it has a death ray; but mum said better to have a lumpy lawn than no lawn. Unlike custard when it is better to have no custard than lumpy custard (I said that), no one likes lumpy custard except maybe the dog and Captain Flint the Parrot and he insists that the lumps have Brazil nuts in so it’s not the same at all.

I have lost the plot tonight entirely and I am staring into space in a glazed over fashion like a large balloon with a smiley face on so I am very sorry. This is the sort of thing that happens when you work in real time. When I say real you know what I mean don’t you.

We definitely had a mole in book one I remember but I don’t remember what happened to him.  Talking of smiley faces. Maybe it’s a sign because there is the remake of the film Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy and that has moles in it. Dad says he thought that Sir Alec Guinness looked like a mole (the one in the Lawn not MI6)

Finally we had orange Bubble and Squeak for tea tonight; I can understand the Squeak but why is it called Bubble????? 

Tiggy Booth-jones                   Nought wrong with large balloons with smiley faces ....... and all depends on your perspective on life

Paul Nessman                           Like a large balloon as in, "...the famous Mk2 exploding Morris Dancing Doll with the special pyrotechnics Catherine Wheel arms and legs which performs the nudge nudge wink wink double helix exploding death leap."?

 The following Morning ..............................................................................

AH ……. not that I'm paranoid but I thought I was spelling balloon wrong somewhere and in fact it was not me AHha hah hahHAHA AH HA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHh ahHAHAHa sorry Captain Nessman ......... Phew ..... and by the way you're right............. off i go to SCHOOL again

The writer and the spell checker

Just thought I better say in passing I can't spell. Its not my fault its a brain eye coordination thing with an added where the hell is the B etc on the keyboard and a spell checker that will quietly change words to the wrong thing. Stupid spell checker. Anyway just saying because every now and again I read things again and go WHAT and people say IDIOT.  Luckily I have a proof reader for my manuscript but unluckily I don't have publisher for book one 160.000 words of brilliance and wit or book two 5000 and counting.

Thanks everyone you are all very kind (AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhHHHHhhh)

******* spelling .... is it right now I think so?

Esmeralda and the mathematical principles of levers. Startrek and crispy seaweed

The school teachers were all hugging the bronze bust of Samuel Taylor Coleridge this morning and giving him a kiss, really teachers are a funny lot but us pupils put it down to stress. Although we do our best to try and distract them from the stress of school work but it does not seem to help much.  Still they did all start the day very relaxed and calm.

One of the more fashion conscience girls in our class (Esmeralda) was telling the Physics teacher that Physics was now the new Black; the Physics teacher was rather pleased at first until the Esmeralda tried to prove this. However it was only a minor set back and the fire brigade soon got things under control, but there is no denying that the physics class is the new black.

Although it is tempting to say so the one thing you must never say to Esmeralda when you ask her; her name is I had a hunch it might be that because the physics teacher did that last week and now look, and Bob from class 12E did the same thing a few weeks ago and it took several days to un-superglue his head from the radiator. I did tell Esmeralda we could put Plaster of Paris on Bob’s head but she just snarled a bit. Some girls have no sense of humour, but apparently that’s because they have to communicate with boys and dogs or so they say (the Girls).

We had lunch out in town today as the fire brigade were busy breaking down the school canteen doors unaware that it not unusual for the cooks to add a bit of petrol to the chip fat to flambé the chips as it looks good. As it happens we were able to watch a classic piece of physics in action in the café and as the Physics teacher was with us, so he was able to explain it all. 

If you have a tray full of plates, teapots, cake, soup, and cups of tea half on and off a table so it is balanced, it is not a good idea to start unloading the tray from the side that is on the table. Because as the teacher said we can apply the mathematical principle of levers;  Mathematically expressed by M = Fd, where F is the force, d is the perpendicular distance between the force and the fulcrum, and M is the turning force known as the moment or torque. And in this case the force F is gravity. Anyway as the teacher was explaining this, the tray flipped onto the floor and he shouted YES AS predicted.  The teapot and cups broke and the cakes catapulted over a little old lady who demanded a doggy bag to take them home. However the Physics teacher did not predict that he would be hit over the head with a tray by the man whose tray fell off the table. Esmeralda predicted that would happen; but then it was her dad whose tray fell on the floor and she did shout HIT HIM DAD.

I have just learnt crispy seaweed is made of cabbage and not seaweed that was a surprise so what with one thing and another I have learnt quite a lot today. The dog said tu ne cede malis sed contra audentior ito the dog says that they said that in Star Trek a lot but the dog thinks Captain Kirk could speak Latin and sing. IDIOT

Apparently Mum thinks Marks & Spencer’s don’t like vegetarians so that’s something else I have learnt today. WELL COOL

Samuel Taylor Coleridge and the large bowl of semolina pudding

The school teachers were in a bit of turmoil today it appears their lucky talisman that they all touch in the morning to protect them from the demonic children as the Home Economics teacher put it, had been stolen. Well they thought it had been stolen, it’s a bronze bust of Samuel Taylor Coleridge with an old fisherman on his head.

It became the teacher’s lucky mascot and talisman when it fell on the head of Slippery Slim the well known sneak thief when he tried to sneak in to school and steal all the pupils dinner tokens from the safe for his son. And destroy all the end of term reports after the previous report where someone in the English dept had written young master Slim must try harder and is capable of better work, and the maths teacher just said he is rubbish and has a school dinner fixation which we recommend getting help for, as they are rubbish too. He was trying do it undercover of the noise from the road works outside but as a result of the vibration of pneumatic drills, it fell off its shelf (Samuel Taylor Coleridge) and landed on his head making him scream and as a result he was caught. Anyway since then it has been the teachers lucky talisman and every day they all rub his nose for luck; (I wish I hadn’t started all this it is all a distraction) but he does have a shinny nose.

The point is the teachers were a jabbering wreck and although all the pupils tried to be good it was something of a lost cause. The head girl did then try and explain they need to have faith in God and their own abilities not a lucky talisman which would not help. But the RE teacher said ITS OK FOR YOU and hit the head girl over the head with a huge bowl of semolina pudding from the canteen; it was not a pretty sight that’s for sure.

The Head girl somewhat dazed and semi blinded by the semolina pudding staggered down the school corridor groaning but the rest of the teachers thought it was a monster and ran away screaming while trying to recite The Ancient Mariner and saying without their talisman they were all doomed. 

We never learnt much today except maybe another verse of The Ancient Mariner and that semolina is very slippery a bit like Slippery Slim, who ironically fell in it when he came to pick his son up from school and claim he was innocent and it was a stitch up by the headmaster. 

As it turned out the Ghost writer was clearing his rubbish out of the school cellar (he has stuff everywhere) and the bronze bust of Samuel Taylor Coleridge got mixed up in a big pile of rubbish accidently. But the ghost writer noticed his shinny nose glinting in the sunlight when he threw all the rubbish in the skip at the recycling place in town. So by early evening he was back on his shelf and all is well again, (the bust of Samuel Taylor Coleridge not the Ghost Writer)