...The Slightly Eccentric Diary of Rob Z Tobor...

The legendary JURASSIC JIGANTICIUS JOLLISCARYIUS and a Jaguar XJ12 cabriolet Automatic

2012-03-11T18:36:00.000Z

I have been outside all day and it has beena beautiful day the sun shining and lovely and warm just like June. In fact I have Just got in from a long walk exploringthe Woods. Or as we are calling them today, The JungleS that run next to The Fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence.

After a great start first thing with a hugebowl of Coco pops and cream in a jug, me and the dog thought we should consultthe Joules Verne Pocket Oracleand Prophecy Machine (we have not used that in ages) and it said “you will meetsomething NEW Today in the Jungle).

So we followed The FabledMinor Stream of Inconsequence to the Junctionwith the Pool of JeJune where theJoules Verne Pocket Oracle andProphecy Machine had predicted we would see the NEW Thing, I even had my camerawith me. So we sat and waited then me and the dog Jumped up scaring some Jaysand Jackdaws who flew off in a jaunty way jabbering and jeering. But we had seen the beast the legendary Jurassic Jiganticius Jolliscaryius togive it is Latin name although it was just a juvenile.The locals just call it Jaws. Apparentlythey were thought to be extinct but they have been seen if Java and Japanand are said to eat Jerboa (ratson an R day) and Japonica and arejolly partial to Jelly babies. The dog said it lookedlike a Jabberwocky and weestimated its length about the same as an average Jehovah’s Witness or a Jesterfrom the reign of James thesecond, or Jack Johnson (?).

With a bit of Jiggery Pokery I got a photo (not thebest photo but I was Jinxed Ithink), still Job done so youmust make your own Judgements, Ishall let you be the Jury on thePhoto of the legendary JurassicJiganticius Jolliscaryius (Jaws)

On the journey back home to play Jazzon a Jews Harp the dog said hesaw a Jaguar But I said we mightget lemmings and Porcupines in the Junglesin

Britain

but not Jaguars so I thought itwas a Joke. However as he pointedout it was a metallic green cabriolet XJ12 automatic Jaguar. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . HA HAH HAHAH HAH HAH HAHHAH ah haha hah hah hah hahahah hahahahah hahah ahah. ……..Mum Just said IDIOT

Ooooo By the way HappyBirthday JANE.

Irritating Insects and an Interrogated Icelandic Iguana in an Igloo

2012-03-10T20:29:00.000Z

So “I” today; I though I better ask mumabout the letter “I” but she said IDIOT …………………Ah

OK before I get too far I must just say wewent to Mr Charlie and Miss Jane’s house this morning because its Miss Jane’sbirthday tomorrow so Happy Birthday Miss Jane (as it happens Miss Jane does notfollow me anywhere in cyberspace because she says I am BONKERS (that’s MAD forthose of you following in international cyberspace) …..WELL COOL.Mum said IDIOT again now. We did get to sing Happy Birthday and I got to eatmagnetic sausage rolls and cake…. WELL COOL again.

Because it was Saturday anddry if not sunny, me and the dog spent the afternoon exploring the strip ofwood that follows The Fabled Minor Stream of Inconsequence,it seemed an Interesting Impromptuif Improbable place to start oursearch for eyes (YUK) sorry I think I mean “I’s).

The dog decided that thebest Idea was to play the gameEye Spy With My Little Eye something beginning with “I”. So once in the Woods, Istarted and the dog tried to guess

Eyespy With my Little Eye something beginning with “I”

An Ibis Investigating an Igloo

IrritatedItching Insects (a vague reference to the dogs Fleas)

The Illustrated guide to the Inca’s

InternationalInvestigators Interrogating an IcelandicIguana

AMutant Moaning Groaning Egyptian Mummy

No …….. Hang on none of those words start with“I’s”

But it appeared that aMutant Moaning Groaning Egyptian Mummy was walking towards us in the woods. Thedog thought he would investigatewhile I remained inaccessible inan immense tree. As the dog introduced himself to the MutantMoaning Groaning Egyptian Mummy it turned out he was Igor the InvisibleMan from Indonesia who became Invisible while suffering an infection (influenza or inflammationof the Ilium) . Apparently it’s traditional for the Invisible man to be covered in bandages,that’s seems rather incredible?

Anyway the Invisible man said it is impossible to indulge in interestingconversation because everyone says WHO SAID THAT AH HAH HAHH HAH hah hahahahhahahahah ha and he gets Iridescently Irritated Instantly. On the way home we went to his flat, with itsilluminated Indigo Interior whichhe called his IPAD. It was incrediblygood luck meeting him today although the dog thinks he’s an Imposter, I said the dog was a bit impetuous as he was invisible and a man.

At home I ate Ice-cream (an impulsive indulgence) and mum said IDIOT

I apologise if tonight’sdiary entry is incomprehensible butI tried….. HAH HAHAHH Hah ah hah hah hah ahah hah hahh hahahah hahah . …….Mumsaid IDIOT again?

Hieroglyphics and the Headless Horseman and a Hobbit at Halloween with a Handbag on a Helter-Skelter

2012-03-09T20:23:00.000Z

The Ghost Writer has been in his greyoffice today with his massed HerbaceousHerds of PC’s, so His mindis Hopeless. I was rather Hoping he was going to Helpwith the letter H but when I asked Him,He said Ho Ho Ho merryChristmas. Me and the dog saw the banshees again this morning so they said theywould Have a word with a mate andget Him to Head over to the school in theafternoon.

As it Happened we Had History and Hieroglyphicsthis morning, Horus Hates Hieroglyphics and we had to Hide Him in the HeadmastersHonda Hatchback because Hesaid I WANT MY MUMMY……………. During Historywe discussed Henry the eight andhis wife’s, Helen of Troy, OldMother Hubbard. Katharine Hepburnand Ho chi Min. ………….. Mum has justsaid IDIOT. As it turned out Henry the eighth turned out to Have a close link with the Bansheesmate …………. The Headless Horseman.

The Headmaster was not happy after yesterdays visit by the GruesomeGhouls and Ghosts so I thought I Hadbetter warn Him about the Headless Horseman, the last thing we needis mass Hysteria. What I was notaware of is that the Headless Horsemanis the leader of a Huge band ofPirates and those of you who have followed my tale for a while will be awarethat the teachers love pirates so by Halfpast three everyone was going HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR man the HELM and a Heave Ho me Hearty’s and lots of HotRum. The Headmaster said WHAT THEHELLS GOING ON, but everyone just said HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR again. The Schoolcaretaker was not happy as the Headless Horseman, (who apparently onlyturned up as a result his mate Captain Nessman of the High Seas hospitality) was bleeding all over the main Hall, still the Headless Horseman’S pet Hyena licked most of it up (YUK). TheHeadmaster phoned the police butthey said it was pointless turning up because that Headless Horseman is like that Harry Houdini bloke and will only escape faster that a Helicopter down a rabbit Hole? Or was it a hobbit at Halloween with a handbagon a helter-skelter. And besidesyou can’t Hang a Headless man its Hopeless

Mum made Homity Pie for dinner so that was YUM

And the Ghost Writer and Heavy Harry the Cat say Happy Hogmanay

Ghouls, Ghosts and Garden Gnomes and a cheese sandwich

2012-03-08T20:53:00.001Z

I’m sure Steven Spielberg will not approveof all this messing about with the alphabet because it has turned my diary intosomething resembling Sesame Streetand we are just doing the trial run, so sorry everyone. With that in mindhowever we have reached the letter “G”. The dog says there is a lot you can dowith G’s and has just returned with a huge Cheese sandwich. Yes HA HA HA veryfunny dog. Really that is no helpat all.

Luckily others have beenmuch more help in particular the banshees who told me on my way to school thatthey had asked some friends to visit the school and liven up my story afterlunchtime. In the morning we did art and the art teacher Mr Graham very kindly got right in to thespirit of the letter “G”, so we all had to make Giant Garden Gnomes and paint them in Grey Gouache, I decided that I would make a Grim looking Golfing Giant Garden Gnome covered in Gold leaf it was a Greatart lesson and by the end we had a large Groupof assorted Grey Giant Garden Gnomes.Then after a Geography lesson on theGreat Gorge of the Ruth Glacier it was lunch.

As we finished lunch (gratin and gravy) I could hear screaming from outside and groups of pupils and teachers rushedinside and shut all the doors and locked the school gates. I could hear the headmaster then shout Good God what are those, they are Ghastly.The banshees true to their world had sent GruesomeGhouls and Ghosts who weregrinding their teeth and going Grrrrrr at the window, it was Great. He called the police but they said it wouldsome time before they GOT there.

So I devised a Great escape Plan using the Grey Giant Garden Gnomes and so as the Gruesome Ghouls and Ghosts Gathered overhead we grouped together in threes inside the Grey Giant Garden Gnomes and Groped our way to the school Gates and Freedom (an F word fromyesterday). I knew I should have added eye holes and air holes as we were all gaspingfor air. Esmeralda did attempt to fight back by catapulting the school mascotat the Gruesome Ghouls and Ghosts Gathered overhead but onlybecause it’s a Goat. And as shesaid afterwards she was doing her bit to help (WELL GROOVY).

Even mum has said shewould help and I thought Gooseberry Gateau…….. GOODIE but she has said no GreenGooey Gruel………. YUK I think I will ask the dog for a bit of his G’s sandwich.Mum has said IDIOT.

And the GHOST Writer says Hello.

F but not the F word and FROMAGE FRAIS ice-cream

2012-03-07T19:31:00.000Z

Another day and I have just been saying itdifficult to make the daily trips of a young eccentric (me) to school interesting everysingle day; The dog says that it will all end in futility and failure.He would say that particularly as today’s guest letter is “F”. I was a bitworried at first because mum hassaid I am not allowed to mention the F word. I did say what about Fish but mum said IDIOT. I assume she is referring to the fish.

So at school after a briefdiscussion on architecture and “Form followsFunction” to which Esmeralda did use the F word it was decided that thepupils would do one of my Famousor is it infamous film re-enactments so forwhat I think is the Fird time nowwe did The Great Escape. During assembly while the front rows hummed Fingal's Cave by Felix Mendelssohn we put. Freddies Ferrets into the tunnels underthe main hall to excavate a route to Freedom.Freddies Ferrets will do anythingfor some free range chicken, fish fingers, fudge and a fairy cake so it did not take long forthem to finish. So as the morningassembly reached its finale mostof the forthand fifth year had escaped to Freda’s Fish Bar in town to fill up with greasy fat chips, faggots and Fromagefrais ice-cream.

Anyway that’s about if forF for tonight because there is still a long way to go until we get to Z and thedogs says Failure is not a wordwe are allowed to use ……………. …… …….. ……….. ……….. AH I used it now, (DAM sorry that’sthe D word now).

At home I have paintedsome things white and told Sooty off for attacking a little friendly frail dog. Sooty is a wimp andonly fights febble fings.

How not to do the Letter E in the A to Z bogging Challenge 2012 involving Explosives

2012-03-06T20:39:00.001Z

School today, and what a nice sunny day itwas well up to the point we all left school (why does it do that). School isgood for today for one very good reason it allows me to use the letter “E” onmy A to Z challenge test run. Yes school means E for EDUCATION something everyhuman being needs to some degree (Education,Degree HA HAH HAHAH HAH Hah hahh hah hha …… sorry about that) in order tosurvive on planet EARTH.

Without EDUCATION as thedog likes to tell me, us humans would not have managed to mess up the climatesECO system and make a huge number of life forms Extinct.

As he also likes toEXPLAIN; dogs are fundamentally stupid (Excepthim) and they have never been responsible for any Extinctions or climate change or using up all the worlds resourcesor the atomic bomb or Fleas. I think he slips that last one in hoping no onenotices.

I was telling the English Teacher Mr Evans about the A to Z and he said hewould help WELL COOL but he then gave as an EnglishExam (DAM …….sorry that was yesterday). Esmeralda was far from happy about that and exterminated my Exercise book. Esmeraldahates exams. Even I am not a fan really; the English teacher did say it was Ever so extremely easy. After we finished, we then had Entomology that should have been easier but Esmeralda hates earwigsso instead of the traditional dissection of the little critter she used Explosives, a lot of explosives creating a enormous explosion.

The deputy headmaster, MrWatson was not happy he had exchangedhis normal outfit for a Sherlock Holmes outfit as he was off to a fancy dress partyand in a bit of a rush so as he passed the class room he stormed in and shoutedWhat sort of a school do you all thinkthis is? ……………. ………….. …………. Well there was only one answer to that andwe all shouted back Elementary my dearWatson …………….. …………… HA HAHAHH ahh ahha hah hah hahah ahahh ha hah hahahh hah h hah hhah hahhhah ha

The Entomology teacher added this is an EX-Earwig

The END

ooo just in case you are thinking why this song ....no reason except the White Falcon

Politics, President Vladimir Putin, War Crimes and Syria and dams

2012-03-05T22:42:00.002Z

It was an ordinary day at school Esmeraldais still planning to send the school mascot into space, so she has put it on a strictdiet. The goat however is going for the sympathy vote with the other pupils,and is lying on its back and whimpering (I think it must have been talking tothe dog). It appears to be working because the goat has gained twenty poundssince the start of the diet, that’s another 1000 litres of rocket fuel soEsmeralda is not happy and has said (DAM). Still that is the space race foryou.

Talking of races I notethat President Vladimir Putin has won the Russian election and is now PresidentVladimir Putin again, I believe he only intends to remain president for a longtime, or as he said I think As long as it takes …… ……. ….(DAM). I don’tknow if it’s just me but there is a slight mad glaze in his eyes now. The dogsays he will want his favourite portrait back now which the dog stole from hisoffice in the heart of the Kremlin (DAM), and bearing in mind Russia aresupporting Syria who are now it appears conducting war crimes again its owncitizens, that’s a bit of a worry (DAM)

The lettuces are growingwell and I have taken photographic evidence to prove it, but it may mean I willhave to eat loads of Lettuce ……… (DAM). Being an ECO warrior has its drawbacks

I am still working on mypractice A to Z blogging challenge and today’s letter is “D” for DAM. Not theconcrete wall with a million gallons of water on one side, but the O dear Ihave just hit my hand with a large hammer (DAM). As it happens I did hit myhand with a large hammer while helping to clear up in Napoleon Beelzebub’s VeryStrange Victorian Curiosity Shop after school, I was holding a large nail atthe time and the nail sort of went through my hand a bit (DAM) and then intothe wall so I was pinned to the wall (DAM). It would have been OK but the nailwent through a water pipe (DAM) and the electric mains cable (DAM) fusing theentire town (DAM). As well as dripping water into the lower reaches of Mr Beelzebub’sempire, Hell …..(DAM) and getting me a little damp (DAM).

Anyway Napoleon Beelzebubsorted it all out saying it was easily done and I will not be Damned foreternity unlike some including megalomaniacal politicians of certain largecountries and Syria.I can see why he has shut his shop he appears to have a lot to do at present.

Oooooo by the way I’m abit late as I have been drumming (Djembe) so WELL COOL

The Anti-Being of each person as calculated in a brilliant new mathematical theory.

2012-03-04T18:20:00.001Z

It has been a quiet day and as we suggestedyesterday, we have been chilling, I don’t mean we have been sitting in thefreezer, as it happens the dog was sitting in the freezer at one pointattacking a turkey (a Frozen turkey not a live one).

The weather has been a typical British dayfor this time of year so bright and sunny at times but very cold and also darkand rainy and we could see snow on the hill about half a mile away. Flipping inconditions about every half an hour, so every time I thought, I might go out itwould suddenly change from sun to rain.

The result of which was Ionly made it as far as the greenhouse once to check on the lettuce seedlings formum. I must take a picture of these to show we are almost ECO warriors now,which reminds me I must plant some potatoes soon so we can have organic chip butty’s.

I was also involvedbriefly in a short response to comments on the internet by Mr ESB and then thatled into a little bit of mathematics (it’s the dogs fault he loves his maths).I know you thinking O YUK maths but it is very interesting because I have realisedthat we must all have an Anti-being (an equal and opposite person toourselves). Mathematically Mr ESB’s mathematical opposite works out as ((ES)/ (4/B²))the sums are quite easy as show below

ESBB Each letter represents the four parts onMr ESB’s name so:-

ESB² = 4

ES = 4/B²

(ES)/(4/B²) = 1

((ES)/(4/B²)) -1 = 0

Thus showing that shouldthe Anti-being Mr ((ES)/(4/B²)) were to ever meet Mr ESB, he would cancel him out andthey would no longer exist. What I don’t know is does the Anti-being of each ofus walk about doing things on the planet at the same time as us. Personally andthe dog agrees with me the answer is yes. But where are they? Are they on theopposite side of the world (maybe?) after all that would be logical? Which atone time would not have been an issue, but in these days of travel thanks tomigrating flocks of Aircraft following the recently mentioned Easy Jet Streamit is far more likely that we could meet our own Anti- being,

This theory of course leadsto further questions because it infers that half the worlds population are theAnti-beings of the other half, so I think that can only mean it can’t bepossible to meet your own Anti-being. Otherwise surely it would have happenedby now and someone would have noticed, and if that’s true it means there issomeone on the planet you could never meet (your own Anti-being). I am presentlytrying to think of the person I could not meet no matter how hard I tried to,but strangely it has turned into rather a long list. And mum has added IDIOT.

Ooooo by the way I didpaint some lines too so I have been rather useful as well as mathematical

today’s letter in my testA to Z of Blogging is “C” for calculations, or even “A” for Anti-Being or “M”Mad HAH HAH HHAHAH Hah hahh ah hah hah ah hha haha h ahahahahah haah.

The last day of Napoleon Beelzebubs Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop

2012-03-03T21:23:00.001Z

Today turned into a very busy day indeed asit was the last open day (to the public) of Napoleon Beelzebubs Very StrangeVictorian Curiosity Shop and lots of the regulars turned up to eat cake, drinktea, coffee and wine and generally have a good time and it was very busy. EvenMiss Fionaski the famous Russian Spy, Auntie Karen and Ian the Musical Hat Makerand Mr Charlie and Miss Jane came to say farewell. Unfortunately I was ondrinks duty and I did sort of loose the plot.

I am OK with drinks andnibbles for say a hundred but after about two hundred people my brains blurs.Luckily Ian the Musical Hat Maker being a famous rock star back in the dayswhen famous rock stars we proper rocks stars was able to entertain the masseswith his wit and charm (not my shrunken head with the snakes body charm by theway). So while I got the coffee, wineand orange juice all a bit mixed up, the man who had the strong black orangejuice with a little milk and three sugars was well confused; Mr Ian told themasses of his exploits travelling across America as a rock god.

By the end of the day wewere to put it bluntly WELL KNACKERED and so have had a rather nice Indiantakeaway from the rather nice Indian in Monty and are all planning to chilltonight and maybe even tomorrow.

Finally after my shortpreamble into the letter “A” yesterday I am by request attempting the letter “B”today…… Why Because HAH AHHAH HAH AHHAHA HAH HHA HAH hah hah hah hah hahhahahhah

Big bad brown blue eyedbear was borrowing Brian’s brains to bath a bandicoot from Borneo.When I say Borrow I refer to Brian’s advice but there are no B’s in advice soBUM. Talking of B’s I saw Bees in a blueberry bush in the back yard but beesbuzz too much so I bought a Bollywood movie called Booooooo and shouted Boooooothat made the Bees Buzzzz off Back Home to Barmouth Beach

My very good friend Ian the Musical Hat Maker who with his new knees is now one inch taller and can leap about again WELL COOL

The infinite space of cyberspace .... And the "A to Z Challenge 2012" a Pre-Amble

2012-03-02T21:08:00.000Z

I assume that cyberspace is infinite. Thedog insists that it is not because it does have a finite capacity but I am notsure he is right. I have tried to see the other side but I couldn’t even with ahuge telescope. The dog says I am thinking about it all wrong, and instead ofthinking of it as space I need to think of it (cyberspace that is) as a sushirestaurant. Where all the little dishes go round and round and you pull offwhat you want, so I think the dog is saying that it is like the ancient conceptof the universe and it all revolves around me.

Well that’s WELL COOLbecause I have always been told that if you think of the smallest thing you canthink of and then crushed it really really tiny and threw it in the sea, thenblind folded a man three weeks later and put him in another part of the worldand told him to find the thing you crushed. The chances are he might not. Andthat tiny crunched object represents the total (that’s everything) of mankind’sachievements in the universe so far. I think some of these megalomaniacal powermad leaders need to remember they are but nothing in the great master plan andan afterlife in the cellar of Napoleon Beelzebub getting sunburnt (sorry burnt)is not worth it.

Anyway cyberspace isdifferent and the dog has explained that quite clearly it revolves around me,it is ironic really because I had salmon for tea too.

At this point I suspectyou are wondering what is Rob talking about and so am I, because I did have apoint but I got entirely distracted by a tiny tiny crushed item in the sea(mankind); so I will now get to my point. What I was going to say is that Ihave more than one portal to cyberspace and many of you will be unaware that Ihave entered a thing called “The A to Z Challenge 2012” where during April the idea is to blog based on a letter fromthe Alphabet each day starting at A and ending at Z. The result of this is mydiary might look a bit strange I will give an example below of what mighthappen on April the 1^st. But it is all part of a competition inwhich I am a tiny tiny crushed item thrown into the sea

AAAAAAAAAAugghgghgggggghGHHHHHHH….. Day one

My pet Aardvark Alpha bitAuntie Karen’s Angora Alpine horn casethinking it was a Armadillo. Its mums fault she threw the armadillo toaster atAlpha assuming it was assaulting her angel cake. It was a good angel cake and weall ate it up rather abruptly even the crumbs thrown out for the birds wereswiftly consumed by a passing albatross or was it an alpine tern, As it appenedAuntie Karen was amused and asked Alpha the Aardvark for an autograph and hewas happy to ablige and everyone applauded and said ……. AH

Karen Gomm I assume that you are seeing if I am paying attention to your attention seeking comments and bad spelling! Well you have your answer now Rob!

WELL COOL Auntie Karen welcome to the blog

The migratory routes of large flocks of aircraft following the spring Easy Jet Stream

2012-03-01T20:11:00.000Z

I have harvested the next two mushrooms; Ithought the idea was that there would be hundreds of them in the box becausethat is what is shown on the lid. But last time there was one and now we havetwo. What I need to know now is, is it increasing by one each time or is itdoubling each time……. So will it be three of four in the next crop? Or one,which seems more likely. I think we can cope with this as long as they remain aslarge as plates.

The sky was full of vapourtrails this morning and also tonight on my return home from you know where (ordo you?) The dog says he has three theories

The first theory is, afterEsmeralda’s new world record (with the schools assistance) of sending a goat upin a rocket higher than anyone else has before. Both the

USA

and the Russians are determinedto better this. The loss of pride by these two super powers in the race to geta goat into space knowing that a dodgy school in the borders of England andWales is within a whisker of the brink of success, has focused there mindstoday, and they have launched rockets on mass with goats at the controls (nevera good move).

The second theory is thatof Armageddon and the USAand Russiaare just firing rockets at each other with nuclear goat heads (sorry warheads).

In the cases of theory oneand two there is world wide concern about IRAN because as we know Iranian goatsare lighter and more nimble and able to endure much higher temperatures andIran rocket technology has seen the suspicious disappearance of several goats.

Finally theory three is. It was a large flock of aircraft returning to thenorthern hemisphere after themild winter using the spring Easy Jet Stream saving energy by using thethermals of the Ryanair. The main problem for the flocks of aircraft being thelack of food on these migratory routes.

We have asked mum aboutall three theories and she has said IDIOTS. But she has gone out to see a womanwith embroiders gills? We think it must be the auntie of the man from the telly,The Man From Atlantis, we haven’t seen him for years but according to the dog, workjust dried up HAHAH Haha hah hhahaha h hahaha haha hah hah ha hah hah hah hahhah hahah hahahaha hah hahh aha …….. …… Dad said IDIOT?

29th Feb 2012 the launch of Britain’s first manned flight into space

2012-02-29T18:50:00.001Z

Please note this is not a fake picture I took it as I said today

We are out for a meal in a bit, what withit being leap year and today is that extra day. It sounds great an extra day,only its an extra school day so I am still pondering whether I end up justdoing one more day at school. Still it was an interesting day as Esmeralda withassistance from class 16AB+ celebrated the 29^th Feb with the launchof

Britain

’sfirst manned flight into space. Well I say manned because as everyone pointedout the school mascot, the Goat is the same weight as a man.

I even got a fairly goodphotograph of the rocket as it was approaching the height to jettison theboaster jets required for takeoff. Thanks to the mathematics teachers it wasworked out they would fall to earth in Mr Evans the farmer’s field which theydid, it was unfortunate that the sheep were standing where they were at thetime. But on the bright side it was roast lamb and crackling for lunch YUM,although the slight aroma of aviation fuel did put some of the girls off.

The flight was going wellright up to the point that mission control, the geography class said to thegoat have you read the manual yet.Even I knew that was a mistake the goat only knows a few words and red is oneof them. So it hit the red button and the next thing you know, we see the goatquietly parachuting into the fresh vegetables section of the out of town supermarket(again). Still although the goat did not make it into space and the US air force shot down the rocket for infringingUSAairspace, it appears the Goat now holds the world record height attained by agoat in a rocket.

The Lemming of Petrogradhave had a great day they love leap years and have celebrated in thetraditional lemming way. They love a great party of leaping off things after afew Russian vodka’s but as mum says they will regret it in the morning. Stillthey have four years to recover.

Oooooo by the way I got tosaw a 25ft tree down, yes I know sawing down trees sounds bad but it wasgrowing into some power lines and everyone thought who is stupid enough to tryand saw that down. So I thought WELL COOL, anyway it was only 25,000 volts orwas it 250,000 volts?

It was a nice day for a leap year

Rebekah Brooks the horse and very confused Alien Mushroom Creatures From Venus

2012-02-28T20:21:00.000Z

There I was minding my own businesspondering what I should write in my diary, should it be yet another quiet dayat school watching the seagulls eating chips again and or discovering that themaths teachers large abacus when placed on the floor beads down makes a brilliantluge and that the corridors of the science block are almost an exact replica of the fabled Cresta Run. There is nothingmore exciting than passing the physics teacher at 70mph lying on a luge (sorryabacus).

As I was saying I waspondering all this and listening to the wireless and eating a rather yummy stirfry.

So as I listened to the newson the wireless and the continuing death of the people of Syria, MrNapoleon Beelzebub is not a happy man (Devil) and I was thinking will I discusspolitics or the now rather large mushrooms in the box containing the StrangeAlien Mushroom Creatures From Venus. Or maybe the rather good bonfire I hadafter school where I was allowed to burn all sorts of old unneeded spy stuffand a large pile of conifer from the once virgin unexplored forests of justoutside our house.

Then in an instanteverything suddenly changed by a story on the news about a horse. Now as youknow I am not bitter and twisted that it was a horse that convinced the verynice Steven Spielberg to abandon my manuscript in preference for one full of warand horses. Leaving me abandoned in cyberspace with a few friends and a madGhost Writer for ever to write the longest story (ever) in the world. Butreally no longer had I thought to myself well it will be cat food now anyway,so no sequel for that horse. When dam it another one turns up. This time itappears that Mel Brooks (sorry Rebekah) Woman from the News of the World was given one by thepolice to look after, or as they said on the news adopted. ADOPTED WHAT???? ReallyI don’t really mind horses that much but people are going to have to watch theydon’t take over the world because if both the right hand man of Steven Spielbergand Rupert Murdoch are not men but horses all I can say is something is goingon.

Imagine the confusion ofthe Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures From Venus when they say take me to your leader and everyonepoints at a horse. What is more worrying it that these things come in threes soI am keeping a look out for the third one. The dog says it is all turning intoa pantomime and has fallen about in hysterics …….. and mum has added IDIOT

Oooooo yes ............ one other thingwe had huge claw marks in the concrete outside the cat flap this morning whichmight explain why the cats are not happy going out at night. Not sure what itis but it is not a horse PHEW……

I would thank Mr ESB for his contribution in the writing of this entry, without him there would be no abacus

The Kreativ Blogger Award from Miss Lily

2012-02-27T21:52:00.001Z

I have been awarded anaward by my one of my favourite blogs Miss Lily. It is a Kreative Blogger Award and assome one who’s blog is not really an award Blog (that's mine)I would like to say many thanks

As with these things thereare conditions and as is with me I never abide by the rules (I think I did in the end). I am expectedto link to the award giver well that’s done as I follow Miss Lily Blog alreadyand jolly good it is too, I made Miss Lily a member of my own little Group ofbloggers The RAT’s or Radical Abstract Thinkers. You can only join if I let youand I have high standards so it is rather exclusive so far. Just four Blogs andone of those is mine. Which takes us to another condition I am expected torecommend six blogs ………….. AH. Yes OK I follow a few more blogs these days butfeel I can only recommend a few (I did 6 WELL COOL) that I have followed for a while and like whatthey have written over time. So

This is Miss Lily Blog who has awarded the award. A member of the RAT's

http://theincoherentramblingsofasingleparent.blogspot.com/

Humferry Hobbart anotherof my favourite Blogs and guess what. A member of the RAT's

http://bumferry.blogspot.com/

Mr ESB the newest member of the Rat's and a mind that thinks about things a bit like me I think

http://esbboston.blogspot.com/

The Blog of Hootchhannah ........... This is not a strange blog so Hootchhannah is not a member of the RAT's but has kept and likes rats, but I like this blog a lot it is a good blog to follow

http://thepalaceofheavenlypleasure.blogspot.com/

I also like this but then I have an interest in Art

http://art-poems-stories.blogspot.com/

And I really like this but then it is my other blog so HAH HAHHAHA HAHH HAH HAHH HAH HAHah aha hah hhah hah ha ha h

http://rob-z-tobor.blogspot.com/

There are a couple of others But as I am new to following them I will leave it at that I have just one request of you all ................. no more awards as I hate speeches. talking of which (not the magazine or spell maker)

I am also expected to revealinformation about me MMmmmmmmm as you know I am the eccentric child ofcyberspace. But am I also a grumpy old Ghost Writer who sailed the seven seasas a Robot Submarine Pilot and is a partner in a well known shop fronted by abloke with small pointy horns on his head and a like for heat(not the magazinebut the temperature)............. AM I ............. No or AM I .............?

I do make Cardboard Robotstoo and am a member of the Monty Cardboard Robot Club OK the only member rightnow, which reminds me I really do have to make a cardboard robot model of anathlete reading poetry for an exhibition on in June with some high fliers ……YICKS. I play djembe and as it happens am rather good OK very good OK absolutelyB************ Brilliant and modest by the way so WOW must be good then.

I really can’t spell ortype or proof read and would love to publish my diary in real book format (itwould compliment the album then?) and did you know the Ghost Writer worked in aresearch laboratory making strangeelectronic stuff when he was not old and grumpy.

I am also very scruffy andforget stuff like ……………………………………… ????? Its important stuff too so best notforgotten. I know is important because I wrote don’t forget the important stuffalthough I can’t find the note to remind me not to forget. The note reminded metoo even though I can’t remember where it is, so job half done.

oooo yes I own a White Falcon (not the bird)

OK that’s that ………. Manythanks Miss Lily for the extra work and time and effort I have had to spenddoing all this (only kidding) Keep up the good work on that blog of yours .....DAM look at the time now tea and chocolate needed

MISS LILY THE BLOG

Job Done

Normality, Harry Potter and the Pheasant

2012-02-27T20:24:00.000Z

Dam today was quiet, everything at schoolwas normal, Maths English German History Chemistry (not a single BANG), andArt. Just as they should be not a single event of any interest even theseagulls were just chilling eating the occasional chip after lunch from theremains of the mass exodus to the Chip Shop for the regulation school lunch.And the headmaster, wandering about in the playground pointing at stuff, withone of the school governors. Who had taken the headmasters advice and waswearing a full face crash helmet.

When I say (pointing atstuff with one of the school governors) I don’t mean the headmaster was liftingthe school governor up and pointing them at the particular item to be pointedat. Although with a red crash helmet on they would have made a good pointer(not the breed of dog), No the headmaster was pointing at stuff with his handssame as I do when I point at stuff although I sometimes use a stick or one ofthose hand held steam powered laser pointing things. I have told dad most people have batterypowered laser pointers and the steam operated one fills rooms up with steam,but I must admit the laser looks well cool in steam.

Then the school bus didnot get kidnapped, it has been ages since that happened doesn’t time fly. Damit I used that silly saying again about time and I am not going to discuss thatagain now (maybe another time HAH HAHAHH Hah hahahah hahah ahahah haha hah hah Haahanah).Mum said IDIOT again. Everything wasnormal at home, well as normal as it normally is and everyone was potteringabout.

How come Bloody Harry Pottergets a word named after him that is all nice; Iam just pottering about la de da de da ho hum potter potter. I have theword robbing Me and Harry have justnicked that nice little old ladies pension HAH HAH AHHHAH HAH HHAHHHA and wescarred her cat up a tree HAHAHHAHH HHAH hah Rob rob rob…….. ………. lovely job gov.

I think I have discussedthat all before too, I am starting to think that Harry Potter and the Horse aretrying to discredit my diary by messing with the plot. Still where is HarryPotter now (HAH HAH AHAHHHAH HA) a spent force destroyed by a slightly dodgyhappy ending which reminds me I must watch that last movie of his sometime, ithas got to be better than the one before the last one, that was rubbish.

Sorry back to today andthe diary as I said nothing has happened so I well I have nothing to writeabout (again).

Oooooo it was grey andraining not a nice day, OK that’s it bye.

And I saw a pheasant

Man's need to explore the unknown

2012-02-26T20:10:00.001Z

It has been a beautiful sunny day today,the best day of the year by far and so me and the dog explored the inner depthsof a clump of conifer trees which we estimated may not have been explored forat least a thousand years. It is places like this that small micro climates canevolve and within them entire worlds. So we were extremely encouraged byunknown foot prints and the remains of bones. The dog was convinced they werethe bones of a creature as yet undiscovered by man too………. WELL COOL

As we battled our waythrough the conifers, it involved a lot a sawing and hacking with a machete byme, much to the disgust of the dog. Who complained that it is all well and goodexploring the unknown, but to make a bloody great path through it rather messesthe whole thing up. I did point out he is huge and was making a bigger paththan me. So we put this destruction of the unknown microclimate down toprogress, and mans need to explore the unknown. We both agreed in the end a nice tarmac roadwould make exploring so much easier in an unexplored jungle, and maybe a nicecafé.

Anyway after a long huntfor further adventure and lost tribes, we arrived at the enclosure of a large strangewhite noisy beast .OK it was a goose we had gone in a huge circle and arrivedback where we started, near next doors geese. It did give us time to do someforensic research on the as yet unknown bones; we even found what appeared tobe the remains of a box. So we assumed that the bones were part of an ancientsacrifice to the gods and on closer investigation the box appeared to have theletters KFC written on the lid in what appeared to be blood almost completelyfaded with the sun and time. The dog says this stands for King Fenrir Camaxtliand he would know as he is not only from the jungles of South America but looks like a scary wolf too, so enough said.

Dad is pleased because(assuming the paperwork all pans out OK) the solar panels on the roof have made£7:25p today, I did say THAT’S COOL CAN I HAVE MORE POCKET MONEY THEN but he said NO……. ……. ……. NOT FAIR. I evenoffered him the strange bones in the remains of its container with the KFC onthe lid but dad said IDIOT so did mum as it happens. And the Dog has eaten thebones now. It a tough life being an intrepid explorer.

YUM

The last week of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop

2012-02-25T22:09:00.002Z

I have been pottering about in cyberspaceand have suddenly realized that it is well past 9:00pm and I have not eventhought about what I am going to write tonight, and I am eating chocolatemini-rolls and drinking tea. As ithappens this situation is not as bad as it may seem as I seldom have a cluewhat I will write even as I write it. I keep hearing; plan your story if youare going to write a book, but I think Nnnnaaaaaaaa I will work on the chaos theory(as discussed sometime ago) and all will be well.

Dad had to go off to theKwik-fit man in Newtown to have his tyre pressures checked because Kwik-fit useNitrogen not air to fill the tyres. It is a cunning plan because no one elsedoes that, so you have to go back to them to get them checked, he also had adipped headlight needing replacing and wiper blades.

Now all this seems ratherdull and boring but there is one interesting thing here, it is surprising howmany cars have headlights and side lights that don’t work at this time of year.It is not particularly cold so why is it that in January and February in the UK it is rathercommon to find vehicles with duff lights. The dog says it is just the fact theyare on more in winter, but is that true, those Volvo’s have lights on come whatmay (MAY HAH HAHAHHAH HAH HAHah haha hahh aha OK sorry) and even dad drives with lights on most of the year. That wasjust a small observation on the world in passing. I am not sure the nice StevenSpielberg would be interested when making the epic movie. Although Close Encountersof the Third Kind would be rubbish if the sidelights and headlights had not beenworking.

My rather goodprofessional proof reader for the manuscript of the block buster movie, isstill having to travel to hospital each day where her partner is very poorly. Butwe did get a little more news tonight.

And one week today exactlywill be the last day of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange VictorianCuriosity Shop, the stock is vanishing rather fast at present but as he says WEDON’T WANT NICE STUFF ENDING UP DOWN IN THE UNDERWORLD SPOILING MY INMATESSORRY GUESTS. He is planning to have homemade cake and wine and nibbles on thelast Saturday to say farewell to all the regulars, as he thinks most of themwill avoid ending up back with him later. Then once he sorts things out he is off totalk to yet another Middle Eastern leader about their future in Hell. What isit with politic leaders of countries? Surely one day someone nice will turn upsomewhere, Maybe I should consider ruling the world……. ………. ……….. ……… .Mum justsaid IDIOT…….. ……OK maybe I will just hide in a classic 1970’s bungalow in thehills.

Right that’s it fortonight just a quick read to see if it makes sense ………. Mum said IDIOT againnow? ………

Done

looking at the ISS with a goat in a wet suit breathing oxygen on the top of a pylon.

2012-02-24T20:58:00.000Z

I have abandoned looking at the InternationalSpace Station tonight. That sounds like I plan to have a little tour round itwhich would be cool but no I merely refer to its fly over, no not the road typefly over but the ISS flying over head. And by that I don’t mean it was planningto follow my head about although there is no reason why it could not do that?

Anyway all I am saying it that it is veryovercast AGAIN and so the chance of seeing it is remote. I think tonight is thelast night it passes us for a while too. Which is just as well as Esmeralda wasplanning to catapult a goat at it

She is not being cruel bythe way she has fitted it up with an oxygen bottle borrowed from her Granny anda wet suit to protect it from the UV radiation.

I have just looked outsideto be sure and believe it or not there was a small break in the cloud and wedid see a satellite. But before anyone could inform Esmeralda that it was notthe ISS, just one of mums Russian spy satellites there was a huge ping sound andthe goat was on its way to space.

Well of course it wasnever going to get there was it, Esmeralda’s maths are rubbish and it is nowsafely back on the ground, well it is on the top of a large pylon at present.Why is it when you phone the emergency services to get the fire brigade to comeand rescue a goat in a wet suit breathing oxygen, from the top of a pylon, youget shouted at. They say I am wasting the time of the emergency services withstupid calls NOT FAIR if I said the cat was stuck up a tree they would come andsave it, and the goat needs them more than the cat does. As it happens the catis up a tree, he was freighted by a goat in a wet suit shouting Geronimooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooo AuuuuuUGHHHHHHhhhhhhhh.

Interestingly at schooltoday the History teacher asked us whatcan we learn from history and I told him if your name is say King Haroldyou should not go out looking up at the sky for the International Space Stationit will only lead to trouble………… The History teacher said IDIOT.

We have started an ECO warrior experiment today involving chilliseed. If you buy a packet of chilli seed it will cost £2:85p, well it did roundhere and you get 6 seeds in it. That is nearly 50p a chilli seed O MY GODthat’s weight for weight more that the price of gold. So we have also put theseeds from half a fresh chilli from the shop (much cheaper) in a similar pot inthe same compost and we will see which one grows the best. We got 15 seeds fromhalf the chilli too.

I was convinced thismorning today was Saturday?

The offer of one million pounds by a Russian industrialist for the Flying Goat

2012-02-23T20:49:00.000Z

Another quiet day at school where theschool mascot appears to have finally got the hang of landing. Esmeralda saidit would in the end, after all it has been catapulted that many times over theschool now it is starting to become a tourist attraction. The Headmaster hasalready been offered over one million pounds by a Russian industrialist for theFlying Goat. But the headmaster is holding out for another half a million forthe new science wing. It seems appropriate that a Flying Goat should pay for awing.

We were out looking forthe international Space Station tonight but it was very cloudy again so sadlywe did not see it, but we did see bats (the flying ones like the goat), theyseemed quite large so I will try and find out what type they are. Trouble isbats tend not to hang about long enough to get a good look at them (hang aboutHA HAH HAH HAH HAH Hah ahahha ahahha hah h). Mum said IDIOT.

We were planning to have aChinese takeaway from the Chinese takeaway in Bishops Castle (its good there)but it was closed, they have gone on holiday and will not be back until the 7^thMarch, so we thought we would try the chip shop in Bishops Castle because sofar everyone has said it is really good, only it was not good at all. Maybe wegot them on an off day and it was still quite early so they had not really gotgoing yet but it was rubbish.

Sooty the Cat is limpingrather badly too, his leg appears to be OK but his Toes or not (do cats havetoes ……………Only when the breakdown on the motorway HA HAHAHH hah hah ha hahh hahhhah hahha hah ahhaha ha h a) mum said IDIOT again. He seems happy enough andis eating as normal so loads of food. We wonder if the squirrels have beenfighting back and have tried to take a bite out of Sooty but Sooty is nottelling, he is after all a very stupid cat ……. No he really is probably themost stupid cat we have ever owned.

A story of 200 words (think of this as The Potters Wheel)

2012-02-23T19:45:00.000Z

I am just pointing out to those of you who follow me in cyberspace this little story is a story as part of some sort of competition it is not tonight's diary entry I still have to do that HO HUM anyway here it is a little story 200 words long and starting with Shadows crept across the wall ......ending in everything faded .............. and mentioning the word Orange?

Shadows crept across the wall,they were round vague, I could hear little at first then thud thud thud thud itcontinued until I decided to investigate. But it was dark I had been sleepingand the shadows were the result of something in the kitchen. I could hearwhispers and small feet moving about. As I entered the kitchen I found the catstrying to juggle Oranges, I’ve told them not todo that, but encouraged by the dog and the lemmings of Petrogradand the Banshees from the woods they were entertaining. Cats are not good at juggling and so theoranges were rolling along the table and falling off the side onto an old Orange box (that’s a box painted orange not a box withmore oranges in).

They had the fridge open to backlight their stage, the kitchen table and the dog was helping himself to coldbeer and even offering it to the lemmings of Petrograd, lemmings are a bit rowdyafter a few beers and I thought I better close and padlock the fridge which I didvery slowly and as the door closed, Isaid show over and everyone and everything faded.........

The Blogging from A to Z challenge 2012

2012-02-23T15:32:00.001Z

OK Just to let you know I am going to have a go at this A to Z thing although I don't have a clue what I am meant to be doing really, but I thought, what the hell Rob between myself, the dog , the Ghost Writer and Captain Flint the Parrot we will give it a shot. Nothing ventured nothing gained and all that. So come Sunday the first of April I will start at A and work my way through the alphabet to Z at the end of the month. Yes I know A to Z is twenty six letters but we get days off for good behaviour I think. As a rebel of sorts I will be looking for chinks in the armour to go off on obscure tangents. Yes you cant beat a bit of geometry and mathematics to attract the punters.
What is particularly difficult is that I write my diary every day on the day and now I have to do that with a particular letter as the theme. Still it says CHALLENGE and so it will be. It would be easy just to make stuff up in advance and post on the right day and just write about anything but I will not be doing that O no it will be live on the evening of the day, all part of my simple and rather dull diary of everyday life, slightly distorted by cyberspace and the Ghost Writers brain.
And as I have said many times I cant spell or type of proof read so .................. AH.
OK chaps good luck see you later......
I bet there is no big gold cup at the end of the Blogging At OZ Challenge either (Who?)
oooooooo one other thing I am rather forgetful so I might start several days late....

The Dell Gazelle and a paradox of metrological boredom

2012-02-22T21:25:00.002Z

It was a very grey day today, classicwinter weather in the UK, the epitome of non weather, truly uninteresting infact so truly uninteresting that it was in fact interestingly uninterestingmaking today a paradox of metrological boredom. I do have to add to that, thatI was at one point in the day out of view of the day, deep within the bowels ofthe schools classrooms. We are obliged to do our Nuclear Science lesson in areinforced concrete bunker in the cellar with Professor Frank Isfine who nowglows in the dark after a long career of mishaps (sorry teaching).

The Ghost Writer said hehad to deal with the curse of the return to Brecon and a grey office as well asa long trip on the grey roads. But is fairly chirpy because he found hiselusive trogon horse, as it turned out he found a little herd of virus’s hidingin an unsuspecting Dell computer. Apparently according to the Ghost Writercomputer virus are like this they reflect nature once one has got its teethinto its host, others see the weakness and the next think you know the DellGazelle has been brought to its knees and is being picked clean by a gaggle ofnasty critters with pointy teeth. Its like in that movie when Bambi gets eatenby the terrordactyls and everyone goes AAAAAAAAAAAA I WAS NOT EXPECTINGTHAT. As the Ghost Writer says at times both Nature and Computing areBastards. I must go now I have things to do and a cat is looking at meand wagging its tail.

The capitalist pig and the eco warrior and a Ukulele Banjo and the Saxophone

2012-02-21T21:01:00.000Z

PancakeTuesday was the 8^th March last year so this year it is a bitearlier. And it is always worth having a little look back in time to see what happened.Well as you might expect me and the dog ate lots of pancakes but Pirate Petestuck to his Ships biscuits with the weevils in. When I say stuck I am not referringto glued to his biscuit, none of us like to be glued to a biscuit full ofweevils. And Auntie Karen tried to burn down the school although as she said atthe time it was lovely and sunny so no one minded too much.

Irefer back to these events because this year it is sort of grey and the InternationalSpace Station (nudge nudge wink wink) is low flying over head every night, althoughtonight it was not possible to see it due to low cloud. But we have eaten loadsof pancakes, well most of us have as Sooty the Cat wanted Squirrel pancakes andwe were all out of Squirrel as the local ones have sussed the cats, and so farhave escaped capture (just).

Idon’t think Auntie Karen has set fire to anything this year and is giving upthe world of knowledge to concentrate on playing the Ukulele Banjo and the Saxophoneand perfecting the art of juggling both at the same time while playing that oldfavourite of my blog and the squirrels Tip Toe Through The Tulips. Auntie Karenhas told us she plans to pursue a new career as one of the idol rich, althoughmum says there is one small error in Auntie Karen’s plan. I tried to ask whatthis error was but mum said IDIOT ……….. that’s NOT FAIR.

Talkingof NOT FAIR the Ghost Writer has said this several times today as he has to goto Brecon tomorrow to look at the Trogon Horse in cyberspace, which he says isthe wrong side of the firewall. Well that is Trogon horses for you. As the oldsaying goes “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth and so on”. That’s the thingwith horses you can’t trust them I am sure it was that horse that ruined my opportunityof making the blockbuster movie with the nice Steven Spielberg. He kept whisperingin Mr Spielberg’s ear HAY HAY OVER HERE and then the next thing you know thebloody horse is a celeb.

Schoolis ticking along as school should, but I did get to pick the lock to theheadmasters office as he had left his keys at home and was trying to kick thedoor down. I then had to pick the lock to the exam filing cabinet and theschool safe. Esmeralda was well impressed and wants me to show her how to do stufflike that, but after the incident with the history teacher’s car when I showed Esmeraldahow to hot wire one of those new Jaguars I think it might be best if I don’t.

Iam sure something else happened today but I can’t remember.

Ooooyes dad has got his solar panels forms in the post now to beat the 3^rdMarch deadline. Mum has called him a capitalistpig but dad says he’s an ECO warrior.

The International Space Station, the Steam Powered Nano Spy Flybot and the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus

2012-02-20T23:28:00.000Z

I amlate. I am sorry about that, trouble with the flybot spy nano technology ondads steam powered nano spy flybot. We have made it to watch the Strange Alien MushroomCreatures from Venus. It is clear that something is going on. We have the socalled International Space Station in the sky this week in the evening, just asthe mushrooms are starting to appear on mass out of the compost of the mushroombox. And as both dad and the dog have said, thatis too much of a coincidence.

Mumsays she saw the International Space Station as predicted, but I was drummingwith my drumming colleague at the time trying to communicate with the StrangeAlien Mushroom Creatures from Venus that we think must be hiding in the wood. Probablybeamed down somehow from their mother ship cunningly disguised as the innocentso called International Space Station. Mum says IDIOTS but it was interestingthat my drumming colleague had to return home early because he was not feelingwell …….. Yes I think that is rather strong proof that things are a foot (notas in a foot attached to a leg, but as in not as they should be).

Anywaythe Steam Powered Nano Spy Flybot instead of spying on the aliens got aliensand cats confused and was following the cats (Heavy Harry and Sooty) assumingthey were the aliens. So in order to tweak the programming as dad put it we hadto catch it.

Itsat times like that when you wish dad had not included a stealth mode or defensivelaser weapons. But in the end we enticed it close enough to trap the littlecritter on some fly paper using a jar of home made march mallow jam that’s glowsin the dark ………YUM. It is working correctly now (the flybot not the jamalthough that is fine too) and I have taken a photo of the Steam Powered Nano Spy Flybot watching the StrangeAlien Mushroom Creatures from Venus just in case any of you are thinking he’soff on one of his elaborate stories again with not a word of truth in it. However you wont say that when you are beingmarched into a large space battle cruiser by a huge mushroom in a couple of year’stime

Yes its the creeping unknown .......Again

Fox News .... Professor Abraham van Helsing revels all in The Sun on Sunday. Meanwhile another branch of Shrubs is axed

2012-02-19T17:36:00.000Z

After another game of paper scissors stoneI found myself pruning two rather large shrubs near the top of our garden, closeto the drive, OK yes that makes us sound like we live in some sort of yuppy mansion.As you know we don’t, we live in classic 1970’s bungalow with over sized UPVCdouble glazed windows previously owned by a little old lady for something approachingthirty years. So while I pruned (not the fruit, but with a saw) everyone elsewas painting a room a dark mulberry colour.

As you all know we do notentirely like the inside of our house white, so dark mulberry is much better.There is a great master plan which mum and dad have although I am not allowedto know master plans because they say I then put them in my diary, but I haveexplained that is the whole point of a diary.

OK yes the pruning why isit what looks like a small branch when attached to a large shrub turns out tobe huge when it is falling towards you from a great height and then takes threepeople to shift it. Unfortunately therewas only me as the dog said it was not a bone and therefore of no interestalthough he did rattle out some sort of Latin name for the shrub adding Yo Ho Ho Three men in a Shrub.

On the wireless I noticedthat Mr Murdoch from News International is saying he plans to have a new Sundaynewspaper to replace the News of the World called The Sun on Sunday. Napoleon Beelzebubhas just added oooo yes that reminds meI better do some paperwork just in CASE; I am not sure what that means. Now you will be thinking why mention this, butI have a reason. In cyberspace one of my followers (now I sound like some sortof leader ….. I am not) a Mr Van Helsing or Batman to his friends, has told methat I wrongly accused the Fox of chewing off the leg of Elvis (that’s SpyElvis not the one on the moon) and it was in fact the Squirrels so I think Ineed to contact Mr Murdoch as I think I have his first major headline for thefirst edition of the Sun on Sunday.

“Breaking News Fox innocent,Squirrels chewed off the leg of Elvis. Batman revels all.”

Professor Abraham van Helsing says its a dam shame, that News International hashad the life blood sucked out of it. Luckily I sold my stake in the companysome time ago and bought commodities in particular silver bullets, things arelooking Grave.

Apparently Ex NewsInternational reporter Mr Vamp is available for hire HAAHAH HAHAH HAH AHHA HHAHHAH HAH HAH HAH HHAH HAhah hah hahaha haha hhah hah ha …………. …… AH ………………. ……………………..……………………. Mum says IDIOT

Elvis is Everywhere even the International Space Station

2012-02-18T20:33:00.000Z

Ourneighbour popped round to see mum at one point today with a small piece ofpaper, but only I was in. So instead of saying something like the lighthouse is glowing in the corn field, Iwill drive the combine harvester to the market on Friday which is whatall these spy people say to one another. She said Hello Rob I thought you might like this. A cunning deceptionto distract me from the suspicion she is a spy.

Nowyou might wonder why I think our neighbour is a spy. After all to the outsideworld she and her husband as a quiet retired couple minding their own businessand doing stuff that retired folk do. But I have been told by them that they have a spy camera hidden in a bird box that can see all sorts of things and notonly that can record every sound over a large area. So there you have it is notlong ago I was discussing Spy Rocks and now we have Spy bird nesting boxes. Which all ties in with recentheadlines about drone bots the size of small birds than can sneak into highsecurity secret places and do things like steal secrets.

Onthe piece of paper was information and not just any information it was this

InternationalSpace Station

Risefrom the West

Monday 20^th 7:20pm

Tuesday 21^st 6:21pm

Wednesday 22^nd 7:09pm

Thursday 23^rd 6:12pm

Friday 24^th 6:51pm

Shesaid if we watch the sky at these times we will see the International Space Station

goingacross the sky if we look towards the south. But well I think there is acunning master plan at work. The dog says it might be Starbucks and the spacestation will be sending subliminal messages or pulling a huge banner sayingStarbucks Coffee Make Space For It.

AsI mentioned at the time of the latest Spy Rock story in my diary, the dog madea life size Rock Spy Elvis but what I have failed to mention until now it hadits leg chewed off by a fox while the dog was conducting night tests on his spyElvis. We think it might have been the sequined suit because foxes hate sequinsand the shaky Elvis leg may have encouraged some sort of mating ritual that wentbadly wrong. Luckily we still had some old pirate wooden legs from back in theday so ……… Elvis Lives YAAAAAAAAAA. Mum just said IDIOT.

There is only one song that can possibly be used with tonight's Diary entry

Mice and men and cats and Starbucks coffee and the evil master plan

2012-02-17T20:38:00.002Z

It is nice to know that sometimes what mayappear to the great masses of the general public that follow my diary in itsvarious forms, silly mad ideas and comments can in fact come back as commentsin the real world. Two women in Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange CuriosityShop were over heard today discussing the university degree of one the women’ssons. Yes he had a first class honours degree and was now working in Starbucksand several of his university friends were now doing the same in various partsof Britain.

Of course this is not newsto me, I have been aware that Starbucks are working on a great master plan to recruitall the best university students Britain has too offer, and then use them todevelop a new mind bending coffee. This will allow them (Starbucks) to take overthe world (Well Britain) by turning the British public into zombies, after allwe all know coffee will keep you awake and after several sleepless nights themind is easily manipulated. What neither myself nor (gnaw HA HAH AH HAha hahhhah hah hah) the dog have yet to really work out is why Starbucks plan to dothis, what is their great master plan of evil. There was a time when theBritish would not be seen dead drinking posh decadent coffee in the privacy oftheir own home yet alone on a six foot high stool in the window of a coffeeshop with a million people passing by.

As I am typing we havereset the cat catcher to catch the cat, the black and white cat. It is acunning beast and an adversary equal even to my own, in ways of cat catching. Onlylast night it tried to humiliate me by escaping, running between my legs as Ilifted the flap of the cat catcher (the dog assures me that I was definitely humiliated).But one thing is very clear about the black and white cat he has his wits abouthim, so I think I can safely say he has never been to Starbucks for a coffee. Idon’t think quick witted cats are part of the Starbucks master plan, just a byproduct. As I have said previously even the best laid plans of mice and menhave unforeseen consequences, although clever cats is bigger worry for micethan it is for men.

I have been filling somecracks in the plaster on the extension of the house that have probably needed fillingfor at least ten years, I must learn not to play paper scissors stone when noone wants to do DIY

OK two weeks tomorrow willbe the very last day open of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Curiosity Shop,as he moves on to higher places (Sorry lower places). It will be very sad. ButI will not have to spend days folding and cutting invites to previews ofexhibitions by artists so it will be GREAT. That reminds me I must get on withmaking The International Olympian for the other exhibition.

A day in the life of a mushroom and the cat that can walk on water.

2012-02-16T19:54:00.001Z

Well what has happened today first we have harvested thefirst mushroom and it will be eaten tonight as part of a mushroom omelette. NowI personally like mushroom omelette, but I know not everyone is a fan so I willnot linger on the subject …….. YUM.

Yes this is the mushroom I grew WELL COOL

Ihave taken several photos of the sky today, for my back up book The Skyfrom the Earth because we all know what that very nice man Steven Spielberg islike. As it happens when in discussion the other night someone said War Horsewas like Black Beauty. So mmmm ….. I think I will give it a miss.

The sky this morning at 8:30am or there abouts

The dog has just said what’s that Skippy, the horse fell down the old mine shaftand is now rolling about on the kitchen floor in hysterics. OK yes the Sky from the Earth (thealternative book) ….. For some strange reason we don’t know we keep getting stripyskies here. I am sure a meteorologist would be able to say AH yes that’s due to Bar Cold from the north orsomething like that, but sadly I do not have any meteorologists as friends anywhere incyberspace so I can only speculate. Thedog has now added there ASDA be a goodreason for this and is in Hysterics again, although mum has added IDIOT.

Our classic 1970's bungalow with loads of solar panels on the roof

The solar panels areworking as they should work and dad says we have earned three quid (that’spounds to my international readers) and bearing in mind it has been overcastand it is February, the middle of the British winter, he recons that is fairlygood. In the summer he says we will be able to turn everything on in the houseand still have power to spare, I am not sure that is quite what you are meantto do.

Finally, and luckily Ihave a witness to this Sooty the Cat was sat rather close to the edge of thepond at one point today. And Heavy Harry the Cat saw an opportunity to sort ofgive him a nudge, which he did. Sooty fell in the pond which is about threefeet deep but he did not sink and get soaked as we thought he would, no he ranvery very fast across the pond like in a cartoon getting out the other sidewith only wet legs. Neither me or my witness know how the hell he did that, andI don’t have it on camera either but he did run across the water and got outthe other side????????? Very strange. I have asked my witness to this event toconfirm this, and they have said unlessI get twenty pounds by midnight I will say it’s a lie ……………………………..AH,not what I was hoping for.

The warriors of the Electricity Conspiracy Organisations (ECO) and a USB memory device

2012-02-15T20:49:00.000Z

As promised the Ghost writer did take me toBrecon, but all did not turn out as the Ghost Writer would have hoped, in factit looks like he will be making another trip to Brecon next week only withoutme. Not that I did anything wrong and the only person I electrocuted was beingmuttered at by the Ghost Writer anyway so he didn’t notice much as he thoughtthey were leaping about for being told off.

The Ghost Writer, as youall know is an IT guru and so we got to play the old game “find the pea” onlyinstead of shells we got to use USB memory sticks and the pea was in fact a Trojan,not the lot that made the big horse, but a virus. Anyway the Ghost Writer gotvery angry and grumpy because his own USB memory device not only got the virusbut it had all its files zapped.

Well he has warned themabout musical USB devices and this is what can happen, I said he was going tobe grumpy today. He thinks the result of all this will be everyone moaning athim when its not his fault as there are strange things happening on that particularnetwork that even the Great Guru of IT at the end of a phone cant sort out sothe Ghost Writer stands no chance. He actually disagrees with that because hesays he will hit things with a large stick, where the Great Guru of IT at theend of the phone relies on just techy stuff and sometimes that just does notwork.

The Solar panels are allon the roof and working just in time for the sunset so it appears we havegenerated forty three pence worth of power so far WELL COOL and we have a veryshiny roof. Dad also thinks he has a cunning plan to store power to batteriesduring the day so that he can run outside lights in the summerhouse and hisworkshop at night on a twelve volt system. It is all part of our new ECO warriorlifestyle.

The dog says that ECO standsfor Electricity Conspiracy Organisations, who are various groups of people whohave a wide range of views about power companies, generation of electricity,and the use of electricity in general. Everything from All power companies areTotal ****** ******* *********** B******* ******* to trying to be green, when I say green I not onlymean saving power and not using non renewable power sources. But I also referto Mr Clarks organization who dress up as Martians and are waiting in the woodsat night for the event they call The Event which will involve lots ofelectricity and marsh mallows. It could happen any day they say so be prepared,or as they say in the movies KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES. Mum by the way says MrClark is an IDIOT and the dog says Mr Clark’s from

Kent

……… HAHHAHAah ahh ahahahah hahah hah hah hah hahah hahahahh hah hah ah hahhhhahahh hahahahah

Photo-voltaic panels, deadlines and a nice curry

2012-02-14T16:17:00.000Z

It has been an eventful day as the men andthe Photo-voltaic panels for the roof turned up to start fitting the fittingsand then the panels. It is all gobecause there is a deadline set by the government which says, you must meet adeadline for a prize (A good prize). But if you miss the first deadline a manwill say you missed the deadline, but we will give you some money (a bit), butnot as much as you would have got. But if you miss the second deadline well thenthere is no prize and you do not get to pass go.

On top of that mum and dadhad to drive in a huge circle that took almost half the day to do so that theycould arrive back where they started. Actually mum is at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian CuriosityShop as it now only has three weeks left before he returns to the underworld,and the curiosity shop turns into a shop.

The good news is that weare all off for a curry tonight at the very nice Indian restaurant in Montywith Mr Charlie and Miss Jane to discuss life the universe and stuff. Sotonight’s diary entry is shortish.

The bad news is its Valentine's Day which dad always forgets likelots of chaps, because as dad says it is what men do, forget stuff, likebirthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and well loads of stuff.

And bad news for those ofyou planning to put solar panels on your roof. It appears that after the 1^stApril (I think) unless your house meets rather exacting standards in efficiencyregarding electricity use, insulation etc you will not be allowed to add them.As there will be someone going out to inspect the house to ensure it meetsthese rather demanding new standards (I say all this but I know nothing, sobest to check). I only add this lastlittle paragraph in order to be informative and useful to the great Britishpublic, sort of.

Please note that lastparagraph will be removed in the block buster movie

The Ghost Writer haspromised to take me to Brecon tomorrow, Well Cool maybe, as long as he is notgrumpy (OK he will be grumpy).

A valentines day song

David Attenborough and the Mountain Gorillas + Eskimos and white snow

2012-02-13T18:10:00.000Z

I went and waited for the school bus thismorning as you do, only after a while of it not turning up, I returned home tobe told it was the half term holiday. I do wish everyone would tell me before Igo and wait for the bus, and Mum always says IDIOT when I get home. We also hadto play scissors, paper, stone again to see who was going to paint the kitchenunit doors. And as most will know by now I lost (again). The plan was to paintthem all raspberry coloured but we are on plan B now which is to paint the wallunits white and the base unit’s raspberry.

So I have been paintingwall units white. We never really dowhite in our house because it is too white (just to clarify that white is too white, the house is not white), and we don’t really do nearly whiteor the so called shades of white that paint companies say are very exciting.Normally I would say that paint companies are IDIOTS to say there are shades ofwhite but Eskimos have loads of words for white as they do for snow, so theywould know about stuff like that. What does go through my mind though is if they do have loads of words for snow and white a translation of a long Eskimo conversationinto English might end up as White whitewhite white snow white snow snow snow white white white white snow snow snowseal snow snow white white white whitewhite snow white snow snow snow white white snow snow snow snow white and theseven dwarf seals AH HA ahh ah hahah ahhah hah hahha hahh hahhha ha ha ha hahah hah hahahh hah ……….. WHITE MAN PAINTS all rooms in his house white …. IDIOT.

I have stopped paintingnow, to tell the truth logically that is rather simple to deduce because I amwriting my diary. I had planned to go and explore with the dog along the sideof the fabled Minor Stream of In-consequence but it is rather cold and drizzly soI haven’t.

I am being watched as I amwriting this but this time I can prove it as luckily I have the camera to handalthough I do need to take the picture through the double glazing. Somethingmost wildlife photographers don’t have a problem with. You seldom see that DavidAttenborough whispering next to a UPVC double glazing unit discussing theMountain Gorillas squeegee technique (YUK).

Luckily he is safe now as shooting season is over.

Steven Spielberg and major issues with continuity in the diary and the sad news of a friend

2012-02-12T18:15:00.000Z

It has been a day of mixed events. We havebeen to the village hall fund raising Sunday dinner to meet people (not the dogor the cats or Captain Flint the parrot, they are banned), where we met peopleI am not good with names because I confuse who is who. And in a tale wherereality and cyberspace mix to form the basis of my diary that is a bit awkwardbecause it can cause major issues with continuity in the diary. I am going tohave to explain to the very nice Steven Spielberg it is not an issue after allthose Monty Python folk did stuff like that all the time in their movies.

The dinner was OK theyeven had a vegetarian option for mum who was somewhat apprehensive as this is asmall very rural hamlet, and to some, vegetarianism is the work of thedevil. Mum would probably argue theopposite but well some of us like things with legs to eat YUM.

So we have now met some ofthe locals, only I am not entirely sure when we will see them again as there isno obvious focal point here with the exception of the church and even then thechurch service seems to leap from village to village, so it may be some timetill I see them again. But this did allow everyone to leave the village hallafter the meal saying to those still chatting, I AM GOING FOR A LITTLE WALK IMAY BE SOME TIME . I don’t think I wastold off for saying that more for arranging the dog with a large snow machineto blast the doors open in a huge sub zero blizzard (for some dramatic effect).The vicar said I am the work of the devil (like vegetarianism) but I told him I am not, I work for the devil at weekendsand he is a jolly good friend. According to mum and dad this is not thebest thing to say to your new vicar in a small rural community. I don’t really seewhat is wrong with working at Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange VictorianCuriosity Shop at weekends and after all he is a jolly nice man (unless you areone of the baddies or a politician)

There has also been badnews today, the partner of one of my friends is very ill. It is all veryfrustrating because there is little we can do, although we will help if we can.

And I noticed that WhitneyHouston died today. It is strange how fame, fortune and celebrity still don’tbring happiness and if anything can do quite the opposite in some cases. And ashas been pointed out many times before this is something I do not need to worryabout …………………………..

Professor Henry Hooper’s Eternal Looping Paradox and the so called GON Particle of science legend.

2012-02-11T21:02:00.002Z

It is Saturday and despite my best efforts to be super efficient, I appear to have failed rather spectacularly (dam I am glad I have a spell checker on this PC). How is it you can spend your day doing this and then doing that and moving things from point A to point B having negotiated your way round point C in order to make life easy. Then at the end of the day you look back on events and think …. What is it I did? I am sure I did do what I did do while I was doing it, because when I did it, it was done I think? But what I did it is anyone’s guess.

The dog says some people spent their life doing that and there is a skill in doing, with a final result of nothing being done. In fact he says these people are the true eco warriors of our time because doing nothing involves no resources and is sustainable. So in order to save the planet the best thing we can do is nothing.

I cant help but think the dogs argument is flawed slightly because it is possible to be doing but achieving nothing and using loads of resources doing it, so using all our resources up to do nothing seems worse to me. I know I have discussed nothing before in much the same way as tonight, but as everyone has always said no one can write about nothing using as many words as I can, apparently it’s a gift (OK I have told you that in the past too)

Right; at this point I feel I need to be a little more scientific so some of you may like to say Oooo look at the time I must go and watch some paint dry (or mushrooms grow).

In science we all know that nothing can’t exist, I am sure my friend Mr ESB the Scientist from the world of Blogs will confirm this. So science is now looking for the so called GON Particle, so called because when it’s gone then there really is nothing. The GON or (gravitationally Openly Neutral) Particle is what the entire Universe was made of before the Big Bang, the point at which stuff was formed. And as we all know (Mr ESB will confirm again I’m sure), stuff has a gravitational force of some sort irrespective of the size of the stuff, even our thoughts are created by neutrinos and the like, so even thoughts have gravitational attraction. So for nothing to exist it would need to be Gravitationally Neutral the so called GON Particle of science legend.

Of course to prove that the GON participle exists; therefore allowing nothing to exist is not easy. It’s not easy to find absolutely nothing, because if you do find something it is to put it in simple terms stuff, and stuff is not nothing is it. Lets face it science has a problem with the Higgs boson and that is stuff OK small stuff, but huge in comparison with the GON particle.

Anyway all I can say is next time you pass a shop window and see a sign saying “When its GON its GON”, you will know at some point there will be nothing left……. Mum just said IDIOT?

If you are thinking WHAT? I was busy all day and ended up thinking that…….. If you like you can start reading from the start again to form an Eternal Looping Paradox discovered in 1845 by Professor Henry Hooper (Hooper’s Eternal Looping Paradox or HELP). He was ironically almost trapped by his own Paradox and nearly died in the Library but was saved when he had a eureka moment and shouted out the acronym for his new paradox ………. HELP.

The Pheasant and the Squirrel. God and the Councillors. Blue Cheese and Cats

2012-02-10T20:14:00.003Z

We have been putting a lot of food out lately for the birds but they seem to eat it as fast as we manage to put it on the bird tables, and today I found out why, Firstly Pheasants eat quite a lot; and then so do Squirrels, and then I discovered that some very dodgy cheese from the fridge which was getting a little over ripe that had been put on the bird table was being eaten by the large black and white cat. Then when he ran off, a little black cat (not Sooty either) was eating it. I don’t think this was part of the plan.

It is all very good trying to be helpful and look after the birds and I guess the pheasants need some (I say some) food, but I am not sure we are up to feeding the entire Squirrel population, admittedly it appears to be just the one very fat Squirrel and Sooty just thinks of him as dinner. Which if the Squirrel keeps eating as much as he does is what will happen to him, resulting in one very fat Sooty.

So the Squirrel made it just PHEW

I know that cats like cheese too, but we are talking blue cheese which will bite your head off with mouldy bits on the mouldy bits so I can imagine the big black and white cat on his return home leaping through his cat flat and being sick. Some poor unsuspecting family going O MY GOD WHAT IS THAT……. QUICK GET HIM TO THE VETS …….YUK I think the small black cat lives in the same house so ……….. AH.

I noticed in the local paper that councillors were not allowed to pray (or is it prey) in the council chambers. So it means we can no longer blame God for the pot holes in the road any longer, or the increase in council tax or my rather battered school bus. However the council can no longer play the Act of God, get out of Jail free card when we fall into the pot hole. As the little old lady did the other day when the dog smiled at her and she screamed, I have told the dog not to do that. Anyway the council say meetings are much simpler now, because God would insist in moving in mysterious ways, confusing the elderly members of the council which if I remember rightly is most of them.

I am missing words as I type at the moment and as I pointed out somewhere in cyberspace this is due to the need to think diversely about things of a diverse nature. I can slowly fix this on the blog or the block buster film script but not on FB so if you are on FB, and not watching the repeat on the movie on channel 7+ in twenty fives years time sorry about that.

If you are watching the repeat of the movie on channel 7+ in twenty fives years time sorry about that, it’s all to do with budget cuts in the TV channel and no money for new programming …… Mum just said IDIOT, that’s a bit hard it’s not your fault there is nothing good on TV is it, some things never change..

Tiny sophisticated nano robot flying communication devices and the the world wide weds of spiders

2012-02-09T18:28:00.002Z

It has been a cold grey day and not nice so we have lit the open fire and are watching flames. Esmeralda did this at school only school does not really have an open fire, well it didn’t. I will admit if did keep us all nice and warm right up to the point that both the headmaster and the fire brigade insisted that we all went outside while they fought the blaze. Just out of curiosity what makes green flames, it is not something you see very often.

The mushroom box is certainly showing signs of life but not much in the way of mushrooms, but it does look rather encouraging that something might leap out of the soil very very soon. Interestingly I too now have small flies scurrying about and I think this is all part of the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus communication system. What better than a small nano technology flying communication device to travel between the world wide web of mushroom boxes, Sort of sophisticated homing pigeons (flies). I am sure it was Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy who had seen insect spy bots or the like.

Anyway I suspect like all the best laid plans of alien invaders these tiny sophisticated nano robot flying communication devices travelling their world wide wed of communications between mushroom boxes will fall foul of something simple, something that the mighty minds of the aliens will have not thought off. Yes you are well ahead of me on this; the world wide weds of spiders. An entire invading force brought to its knees by a thin sticky thread created by the humble spider, a creature that can’t even get out of a simple bath without help

Other things of interest today. We have a cunning plan to put solar panels on the roof of our classic nineteen seventies bungalow. As it happens it already has some that heat the hot water system but these will help produce power so that dad can fly a kite high into thunder storms and create huge Mushroom clouds created from the antimatter trapped in the fireballs created themselves by lightning. He is planning to confuse the Aliens from Venus but mum says he is an IDIOT (that’s dad not the creatures from Venus)…

The Angel of the Norse in its new home

Politics and Religion, Russia, China and Syria, Charles Dickens, the Queen and me

2012-02-08T18:10:00.005Z

Today was a lovely sunny day and so today we decided to do the unspeakable thing we are consistently told never to do in our General Studies lesson, yes we discussed Politics and Religion. There are several good reasons for this but the main one is being the eccentric child of cyberspace much has happened in the real world and I need to mention it in passing, after all as you all know I am a rebellious lefty (OK you didn’t know). But I am aware that rebellious lefty politics is doomed because of fundamental flaws in human nature. So I’m not a rebellious lefty, or am I

SO what did we discuss; firstly the Queen as in the Queen of the United Kingdom has been Queen for sixty years now. Well as a lefty I should grumble about this but as I pointed out in class some of the alternatives are well, much worse. Imagine if we had President Thatcher or President Blair or King Charles or Kings Cameron and Princess Clegg or some power crazed dictator zapping anyone he didn’t like.

This brought us too another event in world politics. Syria, where a few people are hell bent on keeping power at all costs while the rest of the world plays at politics calling each other names. And Russia and China who as so called, lefty we are all equal countries, support a power mad dictator for what appears to be rather dodgy reasons. So much for all men are equal then in countries who in theory were based on that principal and are more capitalist that the decadent west these days. Anyway Napoleon Beelzebub will be having words with rather a lot of politicians over this in the years to come and so as he says be afraid be very afraid. As Cinderella discovered a quick forgiveness by a dodgy priest is hardly going to save you (if you are thinking WHAT? You have not been reading my blog have you).

And ironically as I write my diary I have been told news of a local land owner who appears to be putting the spanner in the works over a tiny plot (and I mean tiny) of land involved in a house sale on what appears to be reasons of NA NA NA NA NA NA ITS MY LAND SO YA SUCKS BOO or possibly even reasons of prejudice. But then I’m just a young rebel who knows nothing so well I know nothing.

Lastly from the world for now; Charles Dickens (not as in King Charles as mentioned earlier) was 200 years old yesterday, he was a bit of a lefty really and look what happened, instead of being buried in a nice quiet rural plot like he wanted, he was stuck in Westminster Abbey in the middle of London. So not only can life not go as planned but death it appears does not always go to plan, as rather a lot of politicians and dictators will find out.

Well tonight has got a bit long winded, and I can’t help but feel that very nice Stephen Spielberg will axe tonight from the movie ……. I wonder if that Charles Dickens bloke had a blog to start with …………. Mum just said IDIOT.

I have returned here a couple of hours or so later so it is late, but I thought I should make the point that the national news in the UK is in a state of shock because the national fooball teams manager has quit . So after twenty minutes of discussion on this awful crisis they thought to mention the continued death of the ordinary everyday folk in Syria. Well it is good to know what is important ............ Sorry but I did say I was a bit of a lefty and I hate football

The cat, The pond, The craft knife and the Mona Lisa

2012-02-07T21:00:00.002Z

Sooty the Cat spent first thing this morning in a battle of wits with a large fat squirrel who was making faces at him, and rude gestures with his front paws. Squirrels are rather apt to make rude gestures as the can stand on their back legs and have an arrogant bolshie attitude to life (well the grey squirrels do, the red ones are wimps). Anyway Sooty the Cat was stalking the squirrel who by cleverly moving round the pond made Sooty take the short root.

Sooty having fallen through the ice only a day ago would, you would think, (? Is that right) think I will not leap on the thin ice of the pond to chase a squirrel and risk DEATH. O NO he was sat in the middle of the pond on the thin ice waiting to leap. We all shouted at him, well most of us did, true the dog and Harry the Cat were shouting GO TO THE DEEP END. THE SQUIRREL WILL NOT EXPECT THAT. Sooty having lost concentration as a result of being shouted at them run about on the pond panicking until he finally came back inside for some food. Somehow we seem to have ended up with the stupidest cat in the world so he has now gone through two lives in as many days.

After school I went to the store to buy some super sharp craft knives as I will need them for the next big project The International Olympian. One thing I have discovered is that cardboard will blunt a knife very fast which is strange because fingers don’t, and a very sharp knife is better for making cardboard robots where as a very blunt knife is better for fingers. Have you noticed that life is always full of such paradoxes? These little craft knives are not called craft knives anymore no they are called wallpaper trimming knifes and with good reason, no one does craft things anymore. So to obtain street cred the knives have been rebranded and the shop now suspects me of stock piling wallpaper.

Anyway I now have to think of a brilliant design for The International Olympian that will win prizes and glory and loads of money

I am sorry tonight’s diary entry is not a brilliant piece of witty clever writing but as you all I write everyday and sometimes it just sort of turns out boring. The trick is to look at it all as a whole, like say the Mona Lisa which if we cut a nice neat one inch square randomly from the picture, it turns out to be just a bit of paint on a bit of canvas. It is only when we look at the whole thing in context we see what it is, a great work of art with a hole in it, and that is the point at which it is best to run very fast.

OK yes I have used this piece of music before but we all love a bit of SteamPunk (ish) music

A bit of real SteamPunk

Cats, Mushroons, Pizza, The Ghost Writer and the the Chant to the Banshee

2012-02-06T21:04:00.003Z

The Ghost Writer spent the day in his grey office working on a Dell power edge server setting up user protocols. Well that is all very well but hardly very exciting, and I think that is as much information as any of us need about that. The Ghost Writer says that is all well and good for us but he has to spend all day in a grey office doing it for real.

I was at school where in Geography we discussed weather as weather can be extremely interesting particularly in the UK where we like weather a great deal and spent much time complaining about it.

Because in the winter it is too wet and cold or not cold enough to have decent winter weather. None of us like wet and sort of cold. Then in the summer we all complain it is either too cold and wet or too hot and we end up with a hose pipe ban. I must admit I did get the wrong idea about hose pipe bans the first time it happened to us, and I confiscated everyone’s nose pipe (hose pipe). Most people were OK about it but the Fire brigade were a little upset when they rushed off to their first real big fire and only had buckets. I did point out in the old days that is what the fire brigade had to do, which is why all the old houses burnt down I guess.

Sooty the cat lost a life today by trying to run across the pond which bearing in mind the ice was melting was not a good move so he was wet, but the Midgarðsormr did not get him and managed to scramble out. Sooty is a very stupid cat so it is quite possible he might try that again at some point and he still can’t use a cat flap properly. So the cat flap cat trap know to all as the cat catchers cat catcher is still in use to catch cats in particular the big black and white beast.

I have checked the mushroom box again and well mmmmmmm not much has changed since yesterday it is like watching the kettle boil, they say you should never do that too. And we have had home made Pizza for tea YUM…..

OK that’s it I am drumming tonight with my fellow African drummer, we are calling to the Banshees tonight in the dark so that will be GOOD, so I might return later or may not who can tell. (Who Can Tell is the Chinese cousin of William Tell ……………….. HAH HAH HAH HAAHHAH HAH AHAHH HAHAHHA Hah hah ahha hah hahh hahah hah), mum just said IDIOT

.............................................

OK I have been drumming as my African drumming colleague turned up just as I was about to post this up on the blog. But we have now finished the Chant to the Banshee. ...................... ...................... WELL COOL

The International Olympian and the footprints in the snow of a large multi limbed herringbone beast

2012-02-05T21:53:00.003Z

Sometimes I forget things and the other day I forgot to mention that I have been asked to make a cardboard robot model of an International Olympian as part of an exhibition to do with the Olympics. Not the trendy modern Olympics but the ones before that when they did art and poetry, music and needle craft, bell ringing and things like tortoise obedience skills. So I have until the beginning of June I think? to have it finished.

I thought I might make a lean mean muscular super fit robot poet capable of breaking the 4minute read, leaping over tall bookcases in a single bound (volume of the complete works of Wordsworth or was it Woolworth). Faster than a speeding train of thought and more powerful than something else. Well that’s what I think I might do, but I am fickle and may change my mind, Still I never thought I would be part of the Olympics, I have asked mum if it means I need to take drugs but she said IDIOT, and hit me with the armadillo toaster. I will inform you all of progress as and when I progress.

I have taken a photograph with the sturdy and faithful Box Brownie (not the one with mushrooms in), I will say it is not easy to get photos uploaded off an old Box Brownie, it took ages to find the USB port.

Sorry I was distracted, the photo is of strange footprints in the snow this morning of what appears to a large multi limbed herringbone beast. Which I am reliably told by the dog is a nocturnal water dwelling herbivore called Midgarðsormr that can be easily disorientated by snow and ice as it sort of thinks it is scurrying about on the foreshore. According to the dog there is one in our pond, but having said that mum has called the dog an IDIOT and we all know what that means.

The strange white thing that I think will be a Strange Alien Mushroom Creature from the Planet Venus is a bit bigger today, well OK not that big or I would point the BOX Brownie at it and shout CHEESE. Why cheese ? I don’t think it is possible to smile while eating cheese is it, I tried it once and took a picture of myself and is was not nice I looked like a mad rat

We have just found a dead shrew but the cats have pointed at one another and said HE DID IT, they did the same this morning with a Blackbird although the dog recons it was the Midgarðsormr thing from the pond

A rare opportunity to meet the very nice Steven Spielberg in the flesh or maybe his lookalike snowman

2012-02-04T18:04:00.002Z

In the last two hours in our little hamlet the weather has taken a turn for the worse and it is snowing rather heavily, although it was rather cold and wet even before it started snowing. I think it is just as well that our big family eat out was last night or it may have been a case of making up the numbers with a few snowmen. Snowmen tend to avoid any food involving a roast dinner due to some strange phobia involving the word roast.

Napoleon Beelzebub says he has never had a snowman turn up in the fiery depths of his cellar, known to some as HELL; so it appears that all snowmen must be good and do good deeds. Personally I find it difficult to see why they would be good, as the great general public bash them about, throw snow balls at them, even rather sadistically stick carrots into their faces and lumps of coal in their eyes. Then add to that the rather idiotic idea of wrapping him (her) up with a warm scarf and a woolly hat (as if a snowman is going to want a woolly scarf and hat). And yet through all this they just stand and take it without a single complaint. The dog says we should not be too sympathetic after all, beneath their jolly smiling exterior lies a cold hearted character, but he has also added (before rolling about in hysterics on the floor) they are rather freeze spirited and the first warm day and whoosh they are gone.

I think I might have my first sign of something white emerging from the compost of the mushroom kit and I can only assume it is one of three things; the first of which is a possibility, but I suspect a rather long shot and that is it is a mushroom. The second bearing in mind the present weather conditions is, it is a snowman, and it does seem to be the right colour. Mum has just said IDIOT which leaves me with option three a Strange Alien Mushroom Creature from the Planet Venus. Mum has said IDIOT again but if it is not one of these options then what could it possibly be.

YES this is your opportunity to be part of the interactive manuscript to Book Two a rare chance to help mould (HA HAH HAHHAHH HAH HAH hahah hah ha) the sequel block buster movie and meet and discuss your option with the very nice Steven Spielberg in the flesh or possibly a Steven Spielberg lookalike snowman if all else fails. SO THIS is a ONCE IN A lifetime opportunity, YOURS for today Only (OK tomorrow and maybe the next day). Get your idea in first and be sure to think big.

Rules and conditions apply and we reserve the right to flog your idea for millions of pounds. Remember there are height restrictions but hats may be worm if it helps. Good Luck.

Warning mum says IDIOTS, you have been warned..

The family, that's fourteen of us all descending on Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Cafe for an evening meal SOON VERY SOON

2012-02-03T18:51:00.004Z

I know at times people think I write the odd thing that may appear unreal and sometimes I bend boring old normality a bit so I am sure you will be interested to hear I was having a discussion with one of my fellow Mushroom experiment people who has told me that they are moving their mushrooms to the garage but are going to wrap them up in a blanket with a hot water bottle to keep them warm.

This may seem like a strange thing to do but there is logic in this madness because after all, when all said and done none of us are actually mad.

Because their box is now turning into the Quatermass experiment and the Strange Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus have been joined by the by a mass influx of Strange Flying Alien Mushroom Creatures from Venus, it seems only logical to be cautious and make sure they can not get out and eat you in the middle of the night. But there is also a high risk of snow for reasons I explained only the other day (well sometime fairly recently anyway)

Talking of things getting out and eating you in the middle of the night, leads me to tonight as our family is on a mass eat out, yes fourteen of us all descending on Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Cafe to cause chaos and eat all his food. I suspect it will all end in large bones and enty plates and a lifetime ban for most of the family like last time when Uncle Fred set fire to the head waiter in a battle of wits with Great Great Granny.

Well that is about it I need to look sort of shabby posh so I can get past the bouncers and this needs a bit of time so I must go. OK CHAPS OVER THE TOP……. ……… …….GOOD LUCK SEE YOU BACK IN BLIGHTY. Mum just said IDIOT

there is much we don’t know, there is much we will never know and will never want to know or will never understand it anyway if we did know

2012-02-02T19:00:00.001Z

Last night the moon had a large hallo and I did take a picture of it, for some strange reason all my readers are demanding proof these days, really what is the world coming too. And today due to persistence and the curious mind of the cat (as a species) our cat catching device caught a cat. It was the cat we thought would be caught by the cat catcher and after an introduction to the mushroom sprayer he was freed back to the wild.

He was a bit wild himself then and slightly damp, he is a nice cat, a large black and white cat but just how many cats can we feed because there are loads more of them out on the perimeter of our home, their little eyes twinkling in the darkness. Some might say it is not PC to soak a cat but we suspect he will turn up again with a Mac (HA HAH Hah hhah hah hah hahh hahh hahah hhah ha that is a geek computer cat joke not an Eek joke about a mouse HA HAH HAH hah hah hhah hahhah ha hha)

School continues to teach us that there is much we don’t know and as the science teachers continue to tell us there is much we will never know and will never want to know or will never understand it anyway if we did know about it, so what is the point. And that after eighteen blackboards and one hundred and seventeen feet three inches of white chalk it is all very annoying to keep having the goal posts moved about, what with new curriculums, exams and bloody governments departments interfering with the syllabus; so that chemistry is now to hard for his students to spell yet alone manage to mix up a nice volatile mix of highly explosive chemicals which only ends up with his best students being held by MI6 for three months.

I think the teacher was having a bad day luckily Esmeralda did manage to explode her desk towards the end of the science lesson so the teacher cheered up loads.

Apparently I have heard that Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy who is part of the great Mushroom experiment has succeeded in growing huge buzzing flapping creatures; I knew it would all end in Strange Alien Creatures from the planet Venus, although I had not planned on them taking to the air. The dog thinks they are going to seed all the clouds with snow and bring mankind (well the UK) to a grinding halt so they can take over and turn us all into mutant zombies unable to spell simple words like chemistry or science. Making us work in Starbucks and Tesco pandering to their every need and that of the humble cat as a intergalactic practical joke which has mushroomed out of control. Mum has said I am not to write about this as the government are trying to keep the lid on things …………….AH

Can a cat catcher catch a cat and Maggie Thatcher the Moggie (Movie, film)

2012-02-01T20:27:00.008Z

I have just returned from chopping some wood the reason being that the loser of a game of Scissors Paper Stone had to go and chop the wood and as you all know by now I always loose at Scissors Paper Stone. I am still convinced that somehow everyone else is cheating even Captain Flint the Parrot beats me although he would not have been able to chop the wood that well. So once it was down to us two it was all fairly academic really.

But I have to say on returning back inside it is very cold tonight in our part of the UK and the sky is very clear so it is likely to get even colder, which is why we (I) have been sent out for wood. It will be a good night for Banshee watchers and even the Dark Creature of the Undergrowth I suspect might be out and about in the woods tonight. I think it is going to be that sort of night tonight. Even the multitudes of cats are on the prowl.

Which is why I have just set our cat flap to cat catcher setting to catch cats? That sounds like one of those things you are told to say very fast which then turns into total rubbish. Can a cat catcher catch cats or can a cat catch out a cat catcher …….. or something like that. The dog says he is happy to eat all the cats and solve the issue in one go; deep fried in batter with a nice chilled wine but I don’t think we want that really, well not yet. Captain Flint the Parrot is shouting can a cat catcher’s cat catcher catch a cat or can a cat caught in a cat catchers cat catcher scratch a cat catcher ………….. Pieces of Eight and yo ho ho and a bottle of Rum. We have told Captain Flint the Parrot many times not to mention rum in front of the dog because the dog is saying Yum Rum, Is there rum in the room, I have room for rum Yum in My tum and Captain Flint is still talking about the cat Is there a cat the cat catcher could catch or cant the cat catcher catch the cat.

I have asked mum if a cat catcher catching cats sounds like rubbish and she has said IDIOT and what ever I do, do not mention Maggie Thatcher the Moggie, sorry I mean Moggie Thatcher the Movie ……………AH I think I did. Still there are loads of cats to do a really good re-enactment of that film although I cant recall anyone mentioning cats and I haven't seen it yet.

Cinderella and Beelzebub, a fairytale of love and morality. With no laser weapons, cats or dog

2012-01-31T20:23:00.001Z

English today and yes it was writing fairy tales again. This happens to us from time to time, we are minding our own business reading a bit of Homer, Alistair MacLean or Shakespeare and all of a sudden we are told OK time to write another fairy tale this time it also had no more bears RoB or else added to the end. Well that’s not fair. So here is yet another fairy tale (well it is cold and misty and Winter).

Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl called Cinderella who had two ugly step-sisters, Cinderella did not like having ugly step-sisters and would say to them O YOU ARE SO UGLY and the ugly step-sisters would go BUT BUT BUT BUT NOT FAIR. Cinderella made life for the step-sisters rather difficult by telling everyone she had to work all day and was locked away in the cellar at night. Everyone would boo the ugly step-sisters who would say BUT BUT BUT BUT NOT FAIR a lot, and they found it very difficult to make friends because everyone said they were ugly.

Then one day the handsome prince in the castle decided to have a big party and invite everyone. Cinderella saw her chance and went to her father and said Ooooo Daddy dear can I have some glass slippers and because she was beautiful he said yes spending a small fortune on them. She then blagged a posh horse drawn stagecoach from a hire company who said OK then as you are so beautiful. The step-sisters had to walk because their father had blown all his money on glass slippers and people booed them and said they were too ugly for the ball and they said BUT BUT BUT BUT NOT FAIR. Anyway at the Ball, Cinderella put her plan into operation; she knew the ways of handsome princes in fairy tales. And so at the right moment did a runner leaving a glass slipper. The plan worked because the very next day the prince proclaimed he would marry the beautiful girl who wore the glass slipper.

When he eventually turned up at the house of Cinderella and the ugly step-sisters, Cinderella hid in the cellar and just as the prince was about to leave she burst out of the cellar saying the ugly step sisters had locked her in there to which they said BUT BUT BUT BUT NOT FAIR

Anyway the prince married Cinderella who immediately banned all ugly people from the castle and her and the prince lived happily ever after. Life was also much better for the Ugly step-sisters who then had a quiet life at home having been forgotten about forever.

Then after a long happy life Cinderella, lay lying on her death bed when none other than Napoleon Beelzebub should turn up, who tells her that he has come to collect her. She protests and tells Mr Beelzebub that the priest said she was forgiven everything because she had been the beautiful princess, but Mr Beelzebub explained that He Who Must Be Obeyed might forgive her but as he (Napoleon Beelzebub) gets to see everyone first, Guess What. To which she says BUT BUT BUT BUT NOT FAIR. But as he explains to Cinderella, it is life that is not fair once you die then it is fair and so poor old Cinderella has to spend eternity shovelling coal for the furnace, which ruins your skin and gives you the hands of a stonemason.

The broken coil spring and the art of nodding and shaking heads in an important way

2012-01-30T20:32:00.002Z

Dad’s car needed two new tyres today so off he went to get them replaced. Only his journey was not without its troubles because his car was making rather strange noises when he tried to turn round on the drive to head off. At first he thought me and the dog had been doing car mechanic homework again, but we had not, and although there have been loads of pheasants about that might have got trapped in the steering it was not mangled pheasants.

And anyway the pheasant population is a bit low after the battle of the Alamo against the overwhelming forces of shot guns and 4X4’s.

Dad managed to get to what turned out to be a very nice man at Kwik Fit who looked at dad’s car and shook his head in a knowing way, tutting at the appropriate moment for best effect. Kwik Fit mechanics are training in head shaking and tutting because it is extremely important to do it at the right time, a bit like stand up comedians where timing is critical.

It turned out that one of the front coil springs had failed and broken which is apparently more common that people realize. Something to do with mechanics scurrying about at night with hacksaw blades and torches. So dad now has new Italian tyres on the front of his car and has to go back to have a new coil spring fitted later in the week. He did say they were a nice bunch of mechanics at Kwik Fit and extremely good at nodding and shaking heads and looking concerned. They even put little fancy chrome things on his wheels free of charge, telling dad that head office are telling then to shift them as they have loads and want to get rid of them all. Nodding and tutting at the same time in order to give the comment substance (which it did …… sort off).

Maybe I should nod and shake my head more at school, particularly during the car mechanics lesson and I might try tutting at the headmaster during morning assembly that should impress him, he will not be expecting that. Mum said IDIOT ……. Not sure why???? The dog thinks it a great idea.

So what happened to me today well not a lot although I did see a small gang of teachers pointing and shaking their heads during the lunch brake when I was eating my curry, mash potato and sausage sandwich made with a French loaf, OK it was a bit long at three feet for my school bag and the curry did rather obscure the results of my mathematical theory of isolated systems in relativistic plasma physics. But I can only assume the teachers have been to Kwik Fit. I must tell the Kwik Fit mechanic he can’t spell.

The freebie book that came in today’s Observer Newspaper, the horse and the film director

2012-01-29T18:46:00.001Z

I was trying to help in Napoleon Beelzebub today in his shop Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop but there was not much for me to do. Although I did have a telescope with me just in case I needed it, and I did meet Miss Fionski the Famous Russian Spy who was telling me of her latest mission code named Kill Mushroom. Where she was working undercover (a small box) in the movie business.

I was also given the freebie book that came in today’s Observer Newspaper called “Happier” which says you can learn to be happy. It even says “the backbone of the most popular course at Harvard today” on the cover. Now I do not wish to be the one to poo poo something out of hand or say that the kings invisible clothes are in fact a complete fabrication (HAH HAHHAHH AHHAHAH HAH hah hahah hahahahahh hahah haha) Sorry I just thought that was amusing, well a bit, OK it was not. But as the writer of the blog Rob Z Tobor the slightly eccentric child of cyberspace who has made it a policy to a cynical slightly grumpy but happy person in the vast universe of cyberspace including the ever popular Facebook, in my humble opinion this book is rubbish. Maybe it’s just me and everyone else thinks it is great, but I had a quiet day (it’s Sunday in the

in winter) and had time to view its pages and yes sorry that is what I thought RUBBISH. I even read a few bits to mum who said IDIOT. I guess the fact mum is a Goth and the book is called “Happier” and is bright yellow with chirpy red writing on the cover might explain why she gave it to me in the first place though.

On top of that there is me (Happily) writing my diary, hoping someone will turn into a nice book with covers and paper in between or that nice Mr Steven Spielberg might be tempted to make the block buster movie, now that him and the horse have gone their separate ways. I believe the horse was just in it for the hay and a few lumps of sugar and the relationship finally broke down when Mr Spielberg shouted at the horse in a posh Hollywood restaurant That’s it I’ve had enough, You are just taking me for a ride at which point they stormed out of the restaurant and we seen galloping across the fields into the distance.

OK sorry I got distracted; I am basically making the point the book “Happier” is a book, OK yes a freebee with a Sunday newspaper but none the less a book where my diary is not a book and I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THAT ……… and if nothing else this proves my point about this book. Mum just said IDIOT now..

Lean, Mean and concise and every word entirely plausible ....... The End

2012-01-28T19:50:00.004Z

It might just be that references to obscure mathematical paradoxes in my diary may confuse folk a little so tonight we are playing by the rules, no messing about and just telling it as it is. When I say as IT is I am not referring to the letters eye or tea as in IT more IT as the general series of events as they happened in the day. By doing this, it not only makes the diary a good deal more understandable, but also a good deal shorter. The dog has added a good deal more boring.

So you can see we are off to a great start every word entirely plausible when I say plausible I mean true. Most of what I write is true but sometimes it may not seem plausible. Anyway tonight it is lean and mean so I better get on with it.

Got up

Had wash

Got dressed

Had breakfast

Fell over cats

Fell over dog

Got in car

Went to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop (to deliver mum)

Moved boxes

Had a general discussion with customers about the imminent closure of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop for ever

Got in car

Hot wired car

Got out of car (I was in the wrong car)

Got in right car

Went home

Painted wall blue (the bits I missed that show up when the sun comes out)

Got paint brush stuck in cats fur

Got paint brush out of cat

Got in car

Went to Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop (to collect mum)

Got out of car

Bought cat food, milk, yummy food, stuff

Got in car

Went home

Switched on computer

Drank tea

Pointed at cats and dog

Stuff

Other stuff

More stuff

Wrote diary

Moaned at dog for saying diary entry today is WELL BORING

Mum said IDIOT

Posted Diary Entry

End (only todays entry not the end of the diary)

PHEW

Ooooo and an email from Auntie Karen who is planning to retire and live off the Royalties of Ian the Musical Hat Makers Albums

The End again (almost back in a bit)

FOOD YUM

Eat food

Wash dishes

The END …….No it really is.

The famous Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel and the best selling book "How to disguise yourself as a traffic cone"

2012-01-27T21:09:00.003Z

We had a lovely meal last night which was a nice distraction from today’s Double Maths, English, Fluid Mechanics, Micro Entomology, Latin, History (the Etruscan alphabet), Welding and finally Organic Gardening and our gardening teachers pet subject (Eating for Free on the central reservation of the M6). He only makes us do this because he wrote the book he also wrote “A life of freedom on the grass verges of Motorways”, and the best selling “How to disguise yourself as a traffic cone”. Mums views are very clear as every parent evening she calls him an IDIOT.

Starting the day with double maths and the famous Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel was a great way to scramble the best of minds but as the dog points out at least we never did The Grand Hotel Cigar Mystery calculations so PHEW.

The Ghost Writer who is here at present says he had to deal with the Infinite config error code on his managers network computer and was given at least no time at all to fix it and then had to spend all day ensuring that the network was capable of withstanding a brutal cyber attack from a large man with a sledge hammer who thought Bill Gates was the man who charged him a small fortune to repair his gate which fell off again only two days later. As he says (the Ghost Writer not the man with the sledge hammer) give a infinite number of human beings an infinite number of computers, the complete works of Shakespeare and a copy of The Idiots Guide to Word Processing; lock them all in Hilbert's infinite Grand Hotel and within a infinite time none of them will be able to produce anything written by a chimpanzee. Mum has called the Ghost Writer an IDIOT as well now.

Interesting enough someone only the other day was saying they thought a chimpanzee could write my diary, but as I pointed out I hate banana’s and don’t don’t go Ooooo Oooooo Ooooooo a lot …………. AH maybe I do go Oooooo a lot

Ooooo by the way, No only kidding HA HAH HAHAhha ha ha hah ah ahhah hahah hahhahahhahhah hah hh haha hhahhah hahahaha

the strange Alien mushroom creatures from Venus and a Labrador driving a car

2012-01-26T18:57:00.001Z

A flurry of snow today and I noticed on the way home on the school bus that the hills are rather white, good for us young bouncy people but mum, dad and the ghost writer all said BAH HUMBUG. They were complaining that it is not meant to snow in the middle of January, right in the middle of the British Winter, after all their generation have spenty ears??? Sorry spent years working on global warming. And they think after fifty years of leaving lights on and running all the hot water and driving huge fuel guzzling cars it seems a bit unfair that they still have to endure snow.

Me and the dog like snow but today’s was rubbish (I blame global warming myself). Anyway when I got home from school a very nice man was looking at our roof and said that if we spend loads of dosh (that’s money to those of you outside the UK), he would cover our roof in solar panels. His main problem was he needed dad’s signature on some form, but as I told him forging dads signature is dead easy, I even proved in by signing the piece of paper he gave me so he could see how good I am. He said I’m a natural forger and was so impressed he got me to do two more and then he did a runner when he saw mum. So I told mum and she said IDIOT, I think she meant him for running away but I’m not sure.

I know it might sound a bit odd but I an sure I saw a Labrador driving a car today, I am not good a dog breeds and the dog said Labradors are rubbish at driving although they are better than Pekingese who have problems reaching the pedals (hang on I told you that once didn’t I about Pekingese so you know that).

I have also noticed that the box with the strange Alien mushroom creatures from Venus appears to have something that is starting to look a bit like a strange alien creature from Venus in it although not really very mushroom like yet.

Finally we are off to Big Bill Greasy Fur Ball Café for a dam good meal tonight, and to be decadent by eating loads and to wave our arms about in grand gestures looking important. Maybe I won’t wave my arms about much I have a habit of knocking things over when I do that. As the chemistry teacher will testify, but how was I to know the stuff would eat its way through the floor into the office below. Which as it turned out was the headmasters. And once he gets use to not having hair I am sure he will be fine again, sort off.

Burns Night, the Haggis and those incessant drums of Scotland

2012-01-25T19:04:00.000Z

Another quiet day at school except for Esmeralda having a huge bonfire and attempting to burn down the school mascot, the school goat which she said she was doing because it is Burns Night. She still has not quite got the hang of Burns Night and is doing exactly what the dog does ever year on Burns night. I therefore decided to read last years diary entry for Burns night to see what happened and jolly interesting it was too.

Now because I have access to this quite easily, well it is my diary after all and those of you who follow me on my blog we be blissfully unaware that I was even about back then yet alone a well established slightly eccentric child of cyberspace eating Haggis and Neeps with the best of them.

The key points of last years Burns night were; one, it was this very day last year that Pirate Pete was first heard of when he had just the two wooden legs before dad made his Steam Powered Bionic Legs, how time does fly ( I think that is one of those saying we need to discuss again sometime).

Then the dog was burning the CIA Regulation Designer Label Sunglasses worn by the CIA, MI5, MI6 and so on (well until the dog got them anyway) and a huge pile of wooden legs from the pirates including Pirate Pete’s. And one of the men with suitcases full of money that was looking at the house ( the old house) with the possibility of buying it came to look at the house, it was the one from up north (the man not the house) with the dodgy car that broke down. I don’t know what ever happened to them after they went back up north, maybe they stayed up north after all it is quite nice

So this Burns night we are eating mushroom and leek bake what with mum being vegetarian, although the dog says he might roast a Badger over a hot fire, out in the garden and maybe a small antelope, but then he has to catch them first. We have also managed to finish all the blue, so we how have a very blue hallway this means we can celebrate Burns night now with a little traditional Scottish Drumming in the woods of the Welsh English borders. And telling the world of the haggis

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,

Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!

Aboon them a' ye tak your place,

Painch, tripe, or thairm:

Weel are ye wordy o' a grace

As lang's my arm

The groaning trencher there ye fill,

Your hurdies like a distant hill,

Your pin wad help to mend a mill

In time o' need,

While thro' your pores the dews distil

Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dicht,

An' cut you up wi' ready slicht,

Trenching your gushing entrails bricht,

Like ony ditch;

And then, O what a glorious sicht,

Warm-reekin, rich!

Yes OK I know there is loads more but I think that is enough for now maybe a little more next year in book three “The Return of the Twenty Foot Lamp Post”?

How to saw a lady in half and several hundred men in suits surrounded by sofa's

2012-01-24T20:13:00.000Z

Different days bring different things, as we all know and today brought the image of several hundred men in suits surrounded by rather uninteresting brown leather sofa’s and small nests of tables made of oak. Now some of you might be going WHAT? But it is true, alas for you the readers though I will not tell you why I was in such a situation, it will remain a small mystery in the great master plan of life. And to be blunt about it, it is more interesting as a mystery.

This is worth remembering; sometimes mysteries are far more mysterious if they remain a mystery. A bit like the sawing a lady in half, the old magic trick of many a magician back in the days of small theatres and sending children up chimneys. Once you know how the trick is done it is not the same. I worked out the sawing the lady in half trick a long time ago, it is dead easy you use identical twins. I really impressed the school a couple of years ago when I did that trick on stage although it would have been better if the second identical twin had not burst into tears and run off stage. And then the caretaker made me mop up the stage afterwards and it took ages. The headmaster then banned identical twins and made me write out a thousand times I must not saw identical twins in half. I did explain I was only sawing the one in half but as he pointed out once you saw one of them in half they are not identical any longer which is true. (I have got a feeling I wrote all this in book one…so sorry about that if you remember. We can cut it out later HA HAH AH AH hahaha hahah hahah hah hahhah hahah hahhahah hahah ah ha).

Finally good news I have finally got the two ends of the painting edges in the hallway to meet so that is all the hallway edges done and it is just a case of filling the huge space in between with paint and all will be Hunky Dory and Tickety Boo. That was always the problem with sawing the lady in half getting the two halfs to meet again, they tend to slip about a bit YUK.

Is science like an iceberg and will a goat be able to stop a revolution

2012-01-23T18:59:00.003Z

One of the science teachers has said that science is like an iceberg. We did at first think he meant cold and drifting about aimlessly, but apparently not he said only ten percent was above the surface of mans horizon and the other 90% was out of our view and as of yet unknown to us. The dog agrees so he must have been right then. One of the class (George) did ask him how he knew this but he demonstrated the principle by throwing George in the swimming pool.

It was a good demonstration because George is very good at science but very bad at swimming and we did notice it was true only ten percent of George was above the water, although it was his feet. However one of the other pupils did point out that if George has two feet above the water and only ten percent on him can be seen he must be about twenty feet tall, and George is not that tall. George vanished completely then and while the science teacher and the other pupil discussed whether this meant science was science or an act of God, the Headmaster leapt into the swimming pool to save George. George was a little annoyed afterwards because he said he had found the plug at the bottom and was just about to pull it out when the Headmaster dragged him to the side of the pool. George reckoned if he lowered the level of the water which represented mans horizon he would be able to convince the science teacher that his iceberg theory was wrong and it is not mans knowledge of science that is important but the horizon of the unknown.

Esmeralda by now had got bored and set fire to the waste paper bin and her desk saying that it represented mans ability to get well irritated by clever middle class scientists and intellectuals and the like telling the working class masses why they do stuff and should love living on the seventy third floor of a concrete high rise designed in the Bauhaus style with a lift that never works. She was about to start a class revolution to overthrow the science block when the school mascot turned up, leading to a distraction as it has never forgiven Esmeralda for catapulting it over the school. So while she was defending herself behind her burning desk the rest of us went home on the school bus which had turned up an hour and a half early due to an unknown blip in the space-time continuum. The bus driver said it’s a funny old world I swear I saw an iceberg earlier. I told mum what the bus driver said and she said IDIOT

Sunday on a cold and windy January in the UK and horses in cinemas

2012-01-22T20:39:00.001Z

Sunday on a cold and windy January in the UK is not the best day for action adventure and to the best of my knowledge that nice Steven Spielberg last seen talking to that horse on the red carpet while they waited to go and see a movie about a horse, has not made a film about cold windy Sundays in the UK. Of course I could be wrong; I was a bit surprised that he made a film about a horse really, although if he is taking he mate the horse to the cinema then I guess the horse might have asked if he fancied making a horse movie.

Anyway as I’ve said it was Sunday all day and cold and wet and the dog has now complained about the horse, saying that it can’t speak a word of Latin and counting to eight with your hoofs is appalling. I have pointed out that I’m sure there was a talking horse on the television once (I refer to a program not a horse sat on top of the television) but it was a long time ago when televisions were huge things the size of a radiogram but had a screen the size of an iphone.

The dog has implied that those people who know what a radiogram is, will not know what an iphone is, and those who know what an iphone is, will not understand what a radiogram is ……. Really this is not going well tonight as I still have not told you a dam thing yet. Except that it has been Sunday all day (still) and that it has been cold and windy and it is also dark now. One advantage of the dark according to the dog is that you can’t see any horses running about or causing trouble in cinemas, luckily mum has told the dog he is an IDIOT but he is now blaming the horse. ……………

Look I feel I need to get us focused back on the day’s events and the fact it has been a quiet cold windy Sunday in the

and not much happened and none of us saw or even wanted to see a horse. OK Captain Flint the Parrot says he wants to see a horse now but its dark and because of that it is dam unlikely we will see one even with a torch, I have asked if a badger will do but apparently it is not the same (well that is stating the obvious I think). The dog now thinks that Steven Spielberg would have got far more publicity if he gone to the cinema with a Badger, but I have told him (the dog not THE NICE Steven Spielberg) that badgers hate cinemas, OK they love popcorn but who is stupid enough to go and watch a movie just so they can get a huge bin sized tub of pop corn …………………………….. AH

I seem to have a spammer who wishes to a add a link to a gambling web site in my comments (tut tut). Very easy at present but remember I am ROB Z TOBOR and will show no mercy

My classic film re-enactment of ..... The Alamo assisted by Pheasants and Men in 4X4's

2012-01-21T20:35:00.002Z

Saturday and I was home alone as a result of playing Scissors, paper, stone, (yes I hear what you say DON’T DO IT). The Loser had to stay at home and paint edges, that is edges of walls and mmmm I lost. It is the great decision of DIY do you paint all the middle of the wall first and get left with all the fiddly bits to drive you mad. Or you can do the fiddly bits first and relax and fill the space in between. Or spend a week taping up every edge so the whole thing is easy.

We tend to go for the second option and would recommend that as the most effective use of the brain as it is the least frustrating. We also use the Mexican Wave technique working along a wall at a time putting all the pictures etc, back on the wall as the paint dries.

So I started painting edges (home alone) when there was all these loud bangs which turned out to be the local shoot, shooting. This gave me and the local Pheasants a brilliant opportunity for one of my classic film re-enactments The Alamo although I insisted that I played John Wayne, I don’t think the pheasants knew who John Wayne was so didn’t care. Anyway we were totally surrounded by the tally ho Mexicans (who were not waving) and despite the valiant attempts of many it was a massacre. Pheasants seem to lack any sort of discipline and run about like headless chickens (or headless Pheasants as it happens) which ruined moral. I even did the famous Coronal Travis speech but I think the pheasants got him and Coronal Sanders mixed up because it did not have the same effect as in the movie, in fact quite the opposite.

In the end it was looking bad just me and two pheasants fending off the Mexican guns in their 4X4s and wearing their Plus Fours (sounds like a maths lesson now) when we were saved by the Lemmings of Petrograd from the Woods who leapt to our assistance. OK it may have also been time for Lunch at the Manor for the shooting party; truth is we will never know or care.

The last two pheasants weighed up the situation and then panicked and fled back to the wood leaving me to continue painting edges and the Lemmings of Petrograd quoting their favourite quote That’s one small step for man and one giant leap for Lemmings as they leapt off the roof and back to the woods to fight the fight of freedom.

Why do the walls in Bungalows have so many edges?????

And what ever happened to a good western in the afternoon

The Lemmings of Petrograd's favourite song

From FB ......... my friend Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy

Fiona Knight I nearly got hit in the face by a pheasant today, and I don't know Rob, why do the walls in bungalows have so many edges??

Well the pheasant was going for re-enforcements and our hallway has ten doors PHEW. it gets worse the other corridor has five doors

Fiona Knight oh dear, perhaps next time work in an orderly fashion dealing with each section and its fiddly bits. My mom painted her whole house with a 2 inch brush. I can't paint, I am not allowed to. When I was 5 years old I thought Rolf Harris was the most interesting man on the planet and I decided I wanted to be like Rolf and paint a huge picture on the white wall in the white garage, luckily my dad, also a painter always had a pot of black paint and a brush left on the side and so I painted like Rolf, that was until my brother walked in and asked "why did you do that loogy?" I ran off to Russia and started a new life without Rolf.

Rolf is a very interesting man I remember he once had a suit made inside out because as he said the inside looked more interesting than the outside, so he thought that in that case it made sense for the inside to be on the outside and I quite agree....

Man Flu, the curse of Men. And the Brother of the Ghost Writer

2012-01-20T20:42:00.000Z

Sadly I am suffering the awful effects of Man Flu, Yes the curse of all men because women don’t get man Flu like men do, I think it is because we are men although mum has said WIMP and IDIOT. Dad says he understands; it was Man Flu that was the reason that the shelves ended up on the skew in the utility room and the cats now linger down hill on the off chance that the odd tin of cat food will roll their way.

The cats are still hiding after the game with the large inflated balloon, I warned them no claws but did they listen. Well not after the big bang.

The Ghost Writer has man flu too he was saying he was talking to his brother today. That might sound fairly normal but his brother does a lot of wandering about in narrow streets in Barcelona with a piano and no body knows his name, he is simply know as Pianolito. The Ghost Writer Brother has been has been scurrying about in the narrow streets of Barcelona for years playing pianos, saxophones, violins, lutes, guitars, harps and all sorts of other stuff. And although I play African punk djembe and guitar the Ghost Writers brother says he would never play along with me because as he technically said about my playing IT IS absolutely awful rubbish and sounds like a cat wailing, waiting for a tin of food to fall off a shelf fitted on the skew by a man with man flu. Mum said I AGREE …. …… ….. …… …… ?

The Sound quality is rubbish but this is the brother of the Ghost Writer

President Putin and the Spy Rock incident, or Rock Spies and the Micro Forensic Geologist

2012-01-19T18:46:00.003Z

Listening to the news this morning on the wireless I noticed that the British government has admitted to the Spy Rock incident of a few years ago and putting two and two together I realized on my way to school that Spy Rocks are all over the place, even in our own garden. So when I got to school I went to see the Micro Forensic Geologist, Mr Norman a sad and bitter man because no one takes the Micro Forensic Geology exam option these days.

He has long complained that students all do Media Studies now because when they leave university they know they are guaranteed a job serving the customers in Starbuck’s and as Mr Norman himself says in a slightly mad scientist way Geology does not rock any more HA HAH HAH HAHAHHHAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAH HAHAH HA. Mr Norman had heard the story of the Spy Rocks and said that he had indeed come across them while doing research in a park in Moscow. He was particularly angry because it was made of plastic and he says his job is difficult enough without fake plastic rocks being left all over the place by MI6.

Anyway he confirmed my suspicion telling me that you can tell a spy rock as it will have small solar panels on the top to provide power and some even have a small light in to help observe who ever is under observation by the secret services. These bugging devices are openly sold in garden centres as Rock Lights for pools and Patios and are particularly popular amongst diplomats, the foreign office, Prime ministers and government leaders. President Putin is said to have given the Queen several to light up the throne in Westminster Abbey. Even NASA found them a very economic option to light up both the launch of the Space Shuttle and the runway at landing. We even have one in our garden which was here, sat in a quiet corner of mums office next to her secret short wave radio that I am not allowed to mention…………… AH, Mum has said IDIOT again now

The dog by the way is making a Rock Spy; it is a life size granite Elvis but the eyes are small cameras and his ears are electronic listening devices or as the dog calls them ears. Personally I don’t like it because the eyes follow you round the room, No they really do follow you round the room.

Oooo by the way I remembered to take a picture of the bird table I made; the first thing on it was Sooty the Cat (typical). He was after the kippers (Smoked Herring to those of you not in the UK) as you can see the kippers worked and I managed to attract a Gannet. Or maybe its a Wood be Gannet as we are some way from the sea.

The bird table and the scarecrow

2012-01-18T19:17:00.000Z

As part of the great mushroom race I have moved my mushroom kit to a warmer place, I think possibly they have been a bit cooler than required during cold days and nights so they are now in the office. It now means that once they start to grow they will be able to assist me with my diary. One thing that I don’t think all those involved realize yet is that some folk had brown mushrooms and some white, although it should not make a different to growing times.

After a quiet day at school day dreaming and making pigeon sounds at the pigeons, (maybe I shouldn’t write that or mum will go ……………AH. Mum has just shouted IDIOT) I decided it was time to build a bird table. Just in case, and for the benefit of my international readers that’s a table that birds go to eat food on, not a table made with birds. In the UK there are not enough large birds about to make a table with, thinking about it that may not be true we do have turkeys, swans and geese. Our neighbour has got some white geese now who like to shout at Sooty the Cat, who in turn likes to run away from them very fast, so maybe our neighbour is planning to make a table out of birds.

OK right; enough of this distraction what I am saying is that I made a bird table in the dark I think it is OK but as it was made in the dark, I don’t really know yet, and I think I have got a few small things to do before it is finished, but it does have food on it so in the morning it will be a bit of a surprise for the birds. It is loosely based on an old Welsh bird scaring device that fell into disuse back in the twelfth centenary when it was discovered all the birds were landing on it and laughing. Much as they do these days with scarecrows, which seem to scare people more than birds particularly crows who make scarecrows look even scarier when they sit on them.

The Radical Abstract Thinkers of cyberspace

2012-01-18T12:29:00.000Z

As almost none of you know or wish to know or care about some time ago I started the small elitist cyberspace group called The Radical Abstract Thinkers (RATs). A group who I feel have that slightly quirky way of thinking that leads us to look at the world in a slightly different way. So far there are three of us Myself because it is my gang NA NA NA NA NA NA NA, then Miss Lilly and then Mr H..... I will get some links here when I have a bit more time, right now I am in the middle of Car Mechanics at school and we have just hot wired the headmasters car.

Anyway I have decided to add a new member to the group. He has no choice in the matter once you're in you're in until I say you're not in, then you are out. So our new member is Mr ESB I feel his logic on lifetime paint shows great promise and so there you go Mr ESB but remember we need to see this new logic reflected in your own blogs so no more sensible stuff or else.

performance art and the alien zombie creatures of Venus (again)

2012-01-17T20:28:00.001Z

One very important thing to remember when doing performance art in the art class is don’t cover yourself in large blue spots unless you are sure that the paint will wash off. Well I thought it said water based paint but in fact is said Walter Base’s patented permanent lifetime guaranteed paint. I do have to say my performance as someone who has been attacked by alien zombie creatures leaving me with some awful mutant disease resulting in large blue spots was rather convincing.

It certainly convinced class 14c who ran screaming along the corridor in the opposite direction and eventually out of the fire escape, closely followed by class 13a, 17b, 28, AB4 and 8+. The French teacher was going to safe me but I pretended I was becoming a flesh eating alien from Venus, and the teacher had heard rumours of creatures from Venus crawling out of boxes so they ran off.

The next thing was a large group of men in special all in one suits turned up and were going to put me in a quarantined plastic bubble, luckily for me Esmeralda had decided that as her performance art project for today she would dress up as an alien with huge tentacles and scary pinchers and stuff. And as the men in the all in one suits cornered me in a corner Esmeralda happen to come into view. It is apparently not easy to run in an all in one suit with breathing equipment and big gloves so they sort of fell down the stairs a bit and screamed a bit too, well screamed a lot really.

The next thing was a large army tank rumbling down the corridor pointing weapons at us so Esmeralda threw her alien outfit at the tank to distract it while we leapt out of a window to the sound of an alien outfit being attacked with flame throwers and machine guns. I would have been fine except for Esmeralda removing the blue spots with wire wool from the metalwork class. So then I really did look like I had been attacked by aliens. Once we emerged into the playground we were cheered as heroes for defending the school against the massed forces of Venus. Mum said IDIOTS when I told her the story but I am still not sure who she means.

The headmaster is planning to ban all alien life forms from the school particularly those originating from Venus as he says they are distracting the other pupils from their work. The Ghost Writer has told me that the readers are going to be a bit confused about exactly which part of the story is true today, but I have told him Surely that’s the whole point of my diary

What is Blue Monday........ Lemmings, Windows and Banshees

2012-01-16T22:44:00.000Z

Today was Blue Monday the day when the British leap out of windows a lot. The Ghost Writer was in his grey office and told us they have secured all the windows so they can only open about two or three inches. It is a health and safety directive to stop people leaping out of the window on Blue Monday, or accidently falling out of the window by accident.

For those who do not know what Blue Monday is it is the point after Christmas when the general public realize that the Christmas holidays and jollities are over and the sudden dawning that they have to work for another whole year? And as the Great British public are very much part of western capitalist society, it is just about now that all the Christmas credit card bills are turning up. Add to this the gloom and doom of winter which still has a long way to go, and the theory is everyone will jump out of the window debt ridden and depressed, well they would if the Welsh Assembly Government had not screwed all the windows closed. The lemmings of Petrograd say that leaping out of windows is easy and they do it all the time but then they have had plenty of practice and are rather apt at bouncing.

In the end it turned out that the sun shone all day (it was rather cold ….. OK very cold) and the sky was blue all day, so it really was Blue Monday.

I am sorry I am late tonight but I have been drumming as part of the last two Djembe players in the Wild hills of the borders we feel we are obliged to continue holding the old tradition of drumming in the Winter night stars (the ones in the sky) so that a bunch of celebrities can talk about them on the television and make lots of money, while we get cold and don’t. And although I think the Banshees in the woods appreciate the drums, I think the fox and the badgers do not, I think badgers are tone deaf as it happens and seem to be more interested in worms.

Finally I just have a slight suspicion that something might just be happening in the small box with the Mushrooms growing in it (or Alien Creatures from Venus) but I am not sure, at this rate Miss Fionaski the famous Russian spy will have eaten all hers before I get my first one.

The hair of the dog or mushrooms on toast covered in dog hair

2012-01-15T19:49:00.002Z

This morning we had to remove the bulb from the security light as it is still on, however in the light of day we have seen no mushrooms, yes and that includes looking in my mushroom growing kit. The dog is saying that is the way of mushrooms here one minute gone the next although in the dogs case that is normally a result of a large mushroom stroganoff with a drop of rum in it. It is not uncommon for the dog to say after his mushroom stroganoff those mushrooms were my best mates they were I’ll just have one more rum to toast them.

The dog will normally follow this with mushrooms on toast to sober up saying it’s the hair of the dog which is sort of true as the mushrooms on toast end up covered in dog hair

The rest of today was fairly quiet although we did get to look at a tiny little car for sale that can do 3000 miles to the gallon and folds up so you can pop it in your wallet and save on parking. It was even automatic and had a boot (Trunk in the USA I think) that would hold a whole cat (well a small one not Heavy Harry). And I got to throw a load of cardboard boxes in a skip too.

Finally a bit of sad news poor old Poddy the dog who entertained and kept the punters happy at The Sun Inn died in his sleep after a long and happy life. I really think taking up staircase surfing at his age was not a good move, and he could have done with a couple of extra feet to stop. That’s feet as in length not as in feet as in attached to legs, although thinking about it maybe he could have done with a few of them too.

OK that’s it today things to do. places to go (no that last bit is wrong I’m not going anywhere now until the morning)

Morozko (Jack Frost), Mushrooms, a pig-driven sleigh, a box full of crows and the Aliens

2012-01-14T20:33:00.004Z

Well it was one hell of a cold day today everything covered in frost all the trees in the woods white. And that reminds us all of the traditional Russian fairy tale of Morozko or Jack Frost to you and me. As we all know in this Russian tale we meet father Frost (Jack Frost) and also Father and Mother Mushroom and the wicked step sister who has too return home on a pig-driven sleigh, with a box full of crows as a dowry.

Well I don’t know about you but having discussed last night the impending doom of mankind who are due to be eaten by alien mushroom creatures from the planet Venus grown by unsuspecting innocent members of the public and famous Russian spies. Today we have severe frost reminding us of a Russian fairy tale with Mr and Mrs Mushroom in it, very suspicious indeed. On top of that in the fairy tale it is the wicked step sister who gets to return home on the pig-driven sleigh, with a box full of crows ……. WELL COOL.

And what is even more suspicious is the front security lamp on our classic 1970’s bungalow will not go off, well that has never happened before. The dog thinks we have been surrounded by huge mushroom creatures and that we must sacrifice the cats, Heavy Harry and Sooty for the greater good. He says that these Huge alien Mushroom creatures are a bit upset by the fact I have so far failed in my efforts to grow their comrades, and note the word comrades there that has a certain sort of old Russian twang to it. I have told Mum, dad, the dog, the cats and Captain Flint the Parrot I will go and negotiate with the large alien Mushrooms and see if I can get a pig-driven sleigh, with a box full of crows like the wicked step sister in the fairy tale. Mum has said IDIOT and has told me not to mention mushroom omelettes in my diary either……………………………….AH.

Venus and their fleet of alien battle cruisers and hideous things in small boxes

2012-01-13T21:22:00.002Z

As many of you know I have more than one portal between reality and cyberspace and various discussions in various places, it is all to do with the multidimensional universe and the like. So as lots of you will also know last night I was talking about Venus and their fleet of alien battle cruisers that are due this year appearing over the horizon in a large formation of menacing humming battle cruisers. What with 2012 being the end of the World and stuff like that which I have also mentioned before?

Now I was watching the sky minding my own business today when I noticed this large dark cloud drifting from the horizon and I thought to myself, that is just the sort of cloud a large fleet of Venusian ???? battle cruisers would hide behind to sneak up on a poor unsuspecting History teacher. So in order to warn the poor unsuspecting History teacher, I shouted look out sir duck; they have got a death ray sir. Well the History teacher leap off his chair and was lying under the desk along with most of the class some of whom were very silly and screamed a lot. Luckily on this occasion it was a false alarm, and although the teacher did hit his head a bit hard when he tried to get up to fast after I told him the alien spacecraft were not hiding behind the big black cloud. He was only slightly concussed, and there was only a small amount of blood when he accidently stood on the hand of the girl at the front of the class while he staggered a bit from being concussed. And if she had not of screamed again and accidently dropped her ipad thing out of the window then the headmaster would not have had to go to hospital.

I have always been told beware of black clouds and you can see why they bring nothing but trouble.

The dog says that the aliens have already started to invade planet earth he says they have managed to secretly hide in small boxes full of compost and that unsuspecting humans are watering them each day with mist sprayers oblivious of the hideous creatures that might emerge. The dog insists they look like some sort of fungi, mushroom sort of thing. I think the dog is mad who would be silly enough to water a box of compost everyday to grow hideous fungi/mushroom looking monsters …………………………. …….AH. Mum just said IDIOT again

Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy, the fridge and the bugging of the Kremlin

2012-01-12T20:34:00.003Z

I saw Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy today we were discussing important things Miss Fionaski said that from fingertip to fingertip she was the same length as she was high (if you can understand that). So we had to measure her to prove this. As it turned out she was right, she also said the twice round her neck was the same as her waist and that part of her arm was her foot. And that she reads huge scientific periodicals about science.

She was saying that the Russians have developed a new super fridge that can spy on people and makes them so depended on the fridge that in years come we will all be forced into eating borsch, pelmeni, pirozhki, Shchi, Ukha, Kholodets, Vatrushka and all washed down with a glass of Medovukha or kvass. And will start to sing Russian songs taught to us by the fridges while waving red flags and training pet foxes to sit on our heads. The Russian fridges are particularly superior because they are filled with ice cold Siberian winds allowing the food to be kept for long periods.

Of course the Russians would say that the fridges are merely a counter espionage defence operation in response the famous (now maybe infamous) Western Spy, Big Mac, who infiltrated the very core of Moscow and the Kremlin with the Bug in a Burger in a Bun. This of course was the down fall of President Putin himself who having eaten the bug washed down with a Diet Coke was forced into temporary retirement while the bug in a burger in a bun was digested and passed through his system. The Big Mac as it was called specially designed to take ages to digest so that the bugging device would stay in the body for years.

Ooooooo while on the subject of spies I noted that this morning on the news it was announced that MI5 and M!6 will not be prosecuted for torture because of a lack of evidence. I only mention this fact because only last night we had a lovely bonfire full of spy papers …………… And people think I make things up.

I also believe that MI6 are introducing new fridges into there posh headquarters by the Thames in the heart of the great Metropolis in order to reduce canteen staff members, apparently there is also a whole new Eastern European menu and new little red flags in the jelly to brighten the place up…………..Mum just said IDIOT….

A bonfire made with secret Russian American and British political papers

2012-01-11T20:13:00.002Z

We have had a bonfire tonight so that mum could burn some papers, she said they are top secret Russian American and British political papers about the exchange of information should planet Earth be invaded by Aliens. Anyway mum said this information is very secret and I must not write about it in my Diary …….. AH. Mum has said IDIOT now

I had to go up a tree earlier to prune branches (that’s as in saw not as in Prunes and Custard). The dog said I had to do it because I was expandable, that’s a bit odd I didn’t know I could expand, but I assumed that the dog must have thought the ability to expand could be rather useful up a tree with a bow saw. Anyway (yes yes I know I say anyway loads) I asked mum about being expandable afterwards because no matter how hard I tried my arms would not get longer; but apparently the dog did not say expandable he said expendable. Well that was not very nice is it, and I have pointed out that the dog only exists because I write a diary in cyberspace in which he is a part. The dog says he would still exist even if I didn’t write my diary because all things exist within the infinite universes of an infinite multidimensional universe even the things that don’t exist although they do. …….. WHAT? The dog also pointed out that a dog does not get to learn Latin and Mathematics by being nice, well I know that is true most nice dogs seldom get past fetching sticks, doing novelty obstacle courses, waging tails and chasing cats.

No strange rainbows round the moon tonight well not so far, it was rather interesting last night seeing that I am starting to wonder about whether we live on the spot of some sort of light paradox what with all the sunsets, then the glowing greenhouse, and now rainbows round the moon. I am keeping my camera to hand now just in case something else happens. Because I am starting to suspect scepticism amongst you about these light effects …………… and other stuff.

Up is not up more sideways, I never thought about it until I noticed that the bonfire now looks like dads flame thrower. Its not dads flame thrower though, and if you look very closely you will see secret papers vanishing upwards (mmmmm sideways) in the heat as they burn.

By the way have you visited my other blog yet The Pictures of Rob Z Tobor it is rubbish