Saturday, 26 December 2015

Poetry for the Christmas Turkey

Uncle Fred decided that he wanted
A turkey for Christmas Dinner
That would shock the family, to the core
And leave everyone speechless
And in a state of disbelief, and silent awe
So he bought a monster, a huge organic beast
Genetically modified, to create a monstrous feast
And for several days it defrosted
There on the kitchen table
Which has dodgy legs, and is far from stable
Then on Christmas morning as the family all took Breath
And the huge giblets scared the cat half to death
They discovered it would not fit through the oven door
Even when the turkey’s legs were removed
Using dads chainsaw
So they hatched a plan and attacked the Bird
With hammers and drills; a method of cooking
Which was rather effective but looked quite absurd
And this is why the neighbours called the police
Who thought Uncle Fred was trying to eat his niece
But all was sorted and the police were able
To join the family at the dinning table
Well the bird was huge you see
And not to do so would be rude
Although the police sergeant,
After Auntie Dot did chase
Because Auntie Dot was running
Up the high street naked you see
With much concern  that the family
Would be yet again in disgrace . . .  Maybe?
Well Auntie Dot had been drinking since breakfast time
Russian Vodka watered down with red wine and Gin
Which explained her mad demonic grin
And the police sergeant will get some therapy
I’m sure the police department will make sure of that
As it is difficult to catch auntie Dot
When covered in lots of lots of fresh goose fat
And as always Christmas dinner in the end
Was a great success
Despite the fire
The flooding
And the awful mess
And now the turkey carcass sits like a decomposing dinosaur
Being chewed by the cat on the kitchen floor

But next year Uncle Fred says to avoid all the worry
He plans to order
A takeaway



  1. Shouldn't that be Eulogy for the Christmas Turkey Mr Z? I hope it had a good send off.

    1. You are right, but that was far too clever for me to think of Miss lily. As far as I can remember I think I failed everything that was vaguely English based at School.

      To tell the truth I had chicken and as I am the only one that eats it we always buy the smallest chicken we can find in the shops. Christmas Day is always fairly chilled now but on Boxing Day everyone turns up and I tend to look like a Rabbit startled by the huge speeding truck heading towards it.