Sunday, 13 December 2015

Goldilocks and the Three Bears and other stuff

An old fairy tale I have told before, but life has been a bit busy with a visitor and I have stuff to get done, but I have tweaked it a bit. So its sort of repeat but not quite, a bit like on the Television when they do things like this and pretend its not a repeat. but it is

Once upon a time there were three bears, you see it is rather common for things to come in threes in fairy tales, like in that Snow White story.   Now these bears went for a walk because their porridge was too hot to eat something that happened rather a lot in the bear household for reasons that will become apparent later. Anyway while they were out a Miss Goldilocks turned up and thought porridge YUM so ate baby bears porridge, but thought I am still hungry, so ate both mummy bear’s and daddy bears porridge. She then went upstairs and jumped up and down on baby bears bed which broke, and mummy bears and finally daddy bears, which was well cool like being on a huge trampoline. If there is one thing we have all learnt over the years is that Miss Goldilocks is not the nicest girl about and has a history of petty crime stealing breakfast and breaking beds, picking on bears in particular because she blames then for ruining her life. A Catch 22 situation if you ask me? I also believe she complained that grannies eyes and teeth were too big.

It just so happened that while in the process of trying a triple reverse somersault on the bed of daddy bear and laughing hysterically the three bears arrived home, something she did not notice as she had one last attempt at destroying the bed. The three bears saying . .  look its Miss Goldilocks . . . (well you would I guess, and in an annoyed way). But at that very moment the big bad werewolf leapt out of the wardrobe and ate Miss Goldilocks.  The bears were very displeased and shouted at the big bad werewolf because I think they fancied eating her later in a stew with spiced lentils and a nice tomato sauce. But the big bad werewolf said that Miss Goldilocks was in fact a vampire clone and there was loads of cloned vampire Goldilocks’ all over the place and he was there to save the bears from being turning into The Living Dead by eating them (the Miss Goldilocks’ not the bears). Blaming all the bad press he gets on three pigs (yes there were three of them, see what I mean about three's) who tried to build houses on the greenbelt by getting round the planning laws using straw. Big bad werewolf put in a formal complaint to the council and then the pigs tried to ruin his reputation. Anyway the point is the three bears said the big bad werewolf was big and bad and told him to go away and they would deal with vampires and young girls breaking their beds themselves. Well lets face it bears are grumpy at the best of times. 

The following morning as mummy bear over heated the porridge again and daddy bear moaned again, mummy bear saying IF HE SPENT LESS TIME IN THE LOO READING ALL THE GRIMM STORIES IN THE PAPERS THEN THE PORRIDGE WOULD NOT be so damn hot and it was all his fault Baby bear adding We should go to the woods again because he had heard from his Mate that bears do things in the woods . And he was keen to find out what it was. And who could blame him, although on a personal level all I can say is curiosity generally ends in tears, so best not to know.

When they got home they found three (see its three of them again) cloned Miss Goldilocks laughing hysterically and leaping up and down on their beds. Big bad Werewolf was right all along they were cloned vampires So they shouted HELP US BIG BAD WEREWOLF, but a voice from outside the window said OOOOO YES YOU WANT ME TO HELP NOW AFTER PHONING ALL YOUR FRIENDS LAST NIGHT AND SAYING I WAS BIG AND BAD SO I DON’T THINK I WILL NOW. Then the vampire Miss Goldilocks bit all the bears, who turned into The Living Dead, after which the big bad werewolf ate the Miss Goldilocks; after all he has a job to do. And the three bears wandered in the woods forever doing what bears do in the woods forever ……… THE END

Best not to ask what the bears are up to in the woods, but it is not nice (so I have been told)

As this is a child friendly blog  . . . . if a small child is asking you what a bear does in the woods then I am sorry about that. 


  1. Hey Mr. Rob,

    Very good and very surreal. I think I'm experiencing triple vision. I should like to, at this moment, as in right now, and hopefully no child is reading this, that the UK expression "rough as a bear's arse", is incorrect. In fact, a bear's butt is rather smooth. Don't ask....

    Gary :)

    1. Well Mr G I have not heard that saying before and do not plan to ask how you know that the saying is wrong.

      I hope you and Penny are going to have a grand Christmas and Santa will bring you both much sparkle and some magic.