Sunday, 20 December 2015

A tale of Santa which has been proved to be slightly wrong

This is yet another repeat but it is OK because I bet none of you read it the first time. Now I do need to apologise at this point because it has become clear in the last 2-3 days that this story is in fact not entirely true. I know folk trust me to be truthful but when a large man in a red coat tells you a story he says is entirely true I for one believe him. But is seems that the chap was a fake Father Christmas or so I have been informed by the real Father Christmas a few days ago.  Luckily the true Father Christmas has talk me the truth about Santa and in the next couple of days I will be able to reveal all. . . . When I say reveal all I do not mean take all my clothes off and run about I am not that mad. No I will tell you all the truth about the origins of Santa way back when.

So here we have it the Story of Santa (only its a bit wrong)  

One upon a time a very long time ago living in the wild snows in or around the proximity of Lapland lived a mad grumpy old man who for reasons only known to himself and a gang of Elves wore a false beard. He had locked them (the Elves not the false beards) in a large workshop making novelty logs for his fire in the shape of trains, cars, rockets, dogs, cats, rabbits, in fact almost anything you could think of. He then threw them on his fire (not the elves but the logs) going HA HAHH HA HHAH ahha ha ha ha ha hah ha ha ha because he disliked them all, but had been warned by the police about throwing small cute furry things and trains onto fires so had to make do with wooden lookalikes.

Once a year however he would venture out in the middle of winter and steal mince pies, and glasses of mulled wine from folk in the middle of the night (I did say he was mad). It was something of a mystery for the people of Lapland who just could not work out who was stealing all the mince pies and drinking their mulled wine or getting into their houses.  Then the king decided to reward who ever caught the thief with a fir tree full of sparkly things, a foolish idea after all folk in Lapland need another fir tree like a hedgehog needs one more flea.

But as it happens one small child, a little girl decided she would like her very own fir tree full of sparkly things so hid in a large box which she disguised with wrapping paper and a large bow. It is after all the sort of thing little girls do, they are not going to be happy hiding in a plain old cardboard box.  Then at the stroke of midnight the mad old man arrived down the chimney grumbling about soot and stuff.  As he drank the little girl’s parents mulled wine and raided the larder for mince pies the little girl sneaked up behind him and said I ARREST YOU FOR STEALING WINE AND MINCE PIES AND YOU MUST COME WITH ME TO THE POLICE STATION.

The grumpy old man was a bit startled but thinking fast he said HO HO HO LITTLE GIRL, IF YOU LET ME GO I WILL GIVE YOU A SACK OF NOVELTY LOGS (SORRY I MEAN TOYS) TO BURN (SORRY I MEAN PLAY WITH) AND BESIDES I HAVE A MAGIC REINDEER WAITING FOR ME ON YOUR ROOF AND IF YOU ARREST ME HE WILL STARVE TO DEATH. AND HE HAS A RED NOSE AND A MAGIC SLEIGH AND ANTLERS AND STUFF.  The little girl pondered and looked at the logs (sorry toys) and said OK THEN BUT THAT BIG FALSE BEARD IS RUBBISH AND WOULD YOU LIKE A CARROT FOR THE REINDEER.  Nodding and taking the carrot the mad grumpy man made his escape up the chimney as fast as possible, but as he did the little girl shouted to him BY THE WAY WHAT IS YOU NAME and as he reached the top he shouted back SATAN HA HAHH HAH HA HAH HHAH ha ha ha HO HO HO . . . .

The little girl mishearing him said SANTA? WELL THAT’S A FUNNY NAME. However at school the following day she told her friends about SANTA and showed them her wooden novelty logs (sorry I mean toys) and then every small child started demanding they wanted SANTA to leave them things and the whole thing just got entirely out of control.  But the mad grumpy old man found that his new fancy toys (sorry novelty logs) were selling like hot cakes (or logs) and he made loads of money allowing him to buy a big flash fur lined red coat. Although the Elves demanded a pay rise and with advances in technology got their revenge by not supplying batteries.

Of course over the long years the whole story has become a bit mixed up and  fact and folk tale have blended together so that almost no one believes Santa is a mad grumpy old man in a false beard complaining about an itchy fur lined coat and drinking mulled wine in the middle of the night and nibbling a carrot………………

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