Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Part Five of Hogwarts v Jurassic World . . . . The Life of a Pirate is Something to Be

Forty Foot up on the feeding platform Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire is preoccupied with his continued fight with the coach party of pensioners. Even Harry Potter, Hermione and the others from Hogwarts are impressed by the feisty nature of the little old ladies.  Harry pointing out to the others that even Muggles can put up a good fight when they need to.

Meanwhile way over on the other side of the vast pool Captain Silver is chatting to our small band of hero’s lead by The White Rabbit and Alice.

Well Young Harrison Ford-Cortina you appear to be Half Tyrannosaurus Rex now how did that happen

Harrison Ford-Cortina growling and waving his hands (claws about) and adding the odd roar.

Well you don’t say that’s terrible who did that then

Harrison continues to growl hiss and wave his arms about in big gestures

Well you mean Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire, but hes a wizard he will be in big trouble doing stuff like that.

At this point Master Higgs butts in and says excuse me Captain but do you understand what Harrison is saying.

Well of course I do?

Harrison then joins in with various growls and other noises and yet more gesturing before finally pointing towards the Professor on the other side of the pool.

AH DAMN says the Captain.

What, what did Harrison say enquires Master Higgs.

Well he said that the Professor just disposed of the last little old lady and is about to try and destroy us now as part of his mad evil plan.

As they all look towards the Professor he is laughing hysterically and holding his wand high above his head, but before he can cast his terrible spell a flock of Wild Mutant Ravens swoop down on him making him lose his balance and slip. The Professor finding himself hanging by his finger tips off the edge of the feeding platform with his wand held between his teeth.

Harry turns to the young student wizards of Hogwarts and says . . . You see I said that turning little old ladies into Wild Mutant Ravens was not a good idea and this is worth remembering for the future. You see you need to think ahead and make sure that your magic does not backfire on you.

As the Professor attempts to pull himself back onto the platform a rather large Plesiosaur emerges out of the water and grabs the professor in its mouth pulling him down into the water. Where deep in the depths of the performance pool the two of them struggle in a fight to the death.

Well that was a stroke of luck HAR HAR HAR says Captain Silver, Harrison Ford-Cortina adding several growls and pointing at the masts.

You’re Quite right Young Harrison its time to sail. . . . . Here do you fancy a life as a pirate sailing the seven seas, working part time as a taxi for Hogwart Students and having adventures as we chase sea monsters and stuff. . . . it’s a grand life.

Harrison Smiles and nods before vanishing up the mast to set the sails. (Those long claws are rather useful if you are a pirate)

AH that’s not fair say several of the young Hogwarts students to Harry . . . . .  why cant we be pirates, just because Harrison Ford-Cortina is half Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Well says Harry That is fate even a wizard cant change fate.

As the pirate ship returns to sea Master Higgs, Alice and The White Rabbit slip below deck where a large mirror stands in the captains Room. Time to go Home says Alice and the three of them leap through the mirror ready for the next great adventure.

Back by the pool Harry, Hermione and the others are watching the big fight underwater, but just as the professor comes up for air a large smiling cat appears and says

Beware the Jabberwockysarus my friends

Hermione and Harry look at one another and say. . . YICKS Time to get the coach back home I THINK . . . Leaving Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire in a tricky position with a large Plesiosaur hanging onto one leg and the  Jabberwockysarus licking its lips on the side of the pool.

The END 


  1. I noticed that they have no conversations about trigonometry. I had the diner owner telling me that I had taught her something about trig but I don't remember anything about it. I think she is confused about that and calculus. It is cold here but not enough for snow. One dog is sitting on my elbow and the other one is below my feet. Meanwhile a headache is ravaging my brain neighborhood. I thought I heard Santa's reindeer on my roof, but I think it was rain instead that is the proof. There were some deer remains on my lawn, so they must be coming up out of the canyon nearby to feed on lawns and shrubs.

    1. trigonometry, calculus and possibly invisible deer plus dogs balancing on you or undermining the ground you stand on are all things that could lead to a headache I suspect. . . . .

      Particularly the tunneling dog it sounds like he is up to something.

    2. I hadn't thought of Cooper as tunneling before. I put a towel on the floor in front of the couch where I sit and caLL it his "Cooper Carpet" which he gets eXcited about, then he wiLL get a chew bone and settle down right in front of me and then I wiLL prop my left foot on his back and rub his back and shoulders. So yes, tunneling. The tiny dog does not understand this process at aLL. She is slowly starting to act like him. She has her own forms of tunneling, hiding completely under the couch.

    3. A small dog that tunnels may be a Mole.

  2. After reading this tale from the beginning, not only do I feel as though I've been dragged through a hedge backwards, but that I stumbled from the hedge only to be hit by a ten ton truck, which then reversed back over me and run me over a third time as it plunged forward, thereby causing my body to be flung through the air, where I landed on a railway line within sight of a speeding train.

    1. Ah it is good you read the tale from the beginning because it makes a lot more sense. . . . OK when I say sense I am not entirely telling the truth, but you made it to the end and that is good even though you had a problem with a hedge, a large truck and a railway with a speeding train approaching you at speed.

      At first folk will say Ooooooo that can't be good but I bet no one ever said that about JK Rowling's Harry Potter tales. . . .O NO only I Rob Z Tobor can turn a popular worldwide story into a terrible disaster.

  3. I s'ppose an interesting way to rewrite Harry Potter would be to take the eXact text and replace every noun and adjective with a much longer and a rarer word. I am sure this could be done in a fairly pro-grammar-aticaLLy manner with a database and semi-random word generator. Hairy Potter and The Saurus Get Stoned.

    1. not many folk say. . . . fairly pro-grammar-aticaLLy manner . . . . and make it make sense.

    2. I am glad its Friday, but I am not eXactly sure why. It has been a rough weak and I kinda wish I was in South Dakota, to be with family there. I am not sleeping veRy weLL for the whole week either, here I am up at 3 AM.

    3. I worry you are working too hard Mr ESB, it is good to work but not good to be stressed. . . . I suggest a nice break and a pair of clip on antlers for you and Cooper and a long chill with the family and ponder all your grand achievements. I am sort of doing the same although I am trying to squeeze huge amounts of holly and ivy into the dinning room plus loads of fairy lights

      You cant have too many fairy lights.

    4. I wrote you an email.

      I like the antler idea but I suspect Cooper would not go for them. EspeciaLLy if he looked in a mirror.