Thursday, 30 October 2014
The Greatest Harry Potter Halloween Story Ever Told. . . . .Starring The Wicker Man
Once upon a time when it was trendy to send young wizards off to
Academy, before the incident in the
long hall with the cat and the large jug, a young farmer arrived from the
mountains of Transylvania called Frankie
Moon-star (yes it was the sixties the days of silly names). He was just an
ordinary chap not a wizard so was mocked and laughed at by the pupils of
Hogwarts and told to go away. So he set up a smallholding on the outskirts
of the magic forest growing organic vegetables and suitable canes for
wands. He was quite successful in
business and this was resented by the young wizard pupils of Hogwarts because
he was what they called a muggle. And they really thought he should not even be
He was left alone most of the year but at Halloween every pupil at Hogwarts would turn up as dusk fell and make his life hell. In particular a Mr Harry Potter and a Miss Hermione Granger would shout and scream all sorts of stuff at him (like Mimiosso Ayucky poous) and do stuff like turn his courgettes into pigs, tomatoes into bananas and turn all his clothes pink. They did this because they said Frankie Moon-star was a very silly name.
Then one year Frankie made a huge Wicker Man out of
from the Magic Forest in a desperate effort for a quiet time, it was dead
scary to look at and he placed it at the entrance to his small holding. What he did not know was that because it was
made out of willow that came from the Magic Forest the young Wizards were
unable to pass. O yes they tried all sorts of spells and stuff but the Wicker
Man stood his ground. Every year after that Frankie Moon-star would make a new
Wicker Man and no matter how hard the young wizards tried they could not get
The years passed and Frankie got older and older, but he was happy now because the young wizards never came and annoyed him ever again. Frankie often passed the time with Lord Voldemort who also complained about the young Wizards and said they were ruining his reputation as a Magic act for children’s parties and it was all that Harry’s fault.
Then one day just before Halloween Frankie died, but he was very old and life had been good, however all the pupils at Hogwarts led by an ageing Mr Harry Potter and a Miss Hermione Granger decided to take revenge. With no Wicker Man to stop them they set off through the Magic Forest (chanting Gump Gump Gump Gump) all the way to the house and formed a ring round it (The Wizards Ring of Fire), and then sent fireballs into the house using their wands, setting it alight. They laughed and laughed in a mad wizard way, but never noticed all the Wicker Men slowly creeping up behind them. By the time they did the Wicker Men had linked arms meaning no one could escape. All the young wizards screamed and shouted and ran about and Harry and Hermione hid in a water barrel but it was all futile. The Wicker Men slowly shuffled towards the house and as they did got hotter and hotter and started to burn.
The following morning there was nothing but a large charred patch of land all the Wicker Men, the Wizards, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger and the house had all vanished. Hogwarts of course never really recovered from the loss of all those young wizards and after the incident in the long hall with the cat and the large jug it had to close. It has been turned into a theme park now and it is perpetually full of muggles pointing at fake wizards much to the amusement of the Ghost of Freddie Moon-star who likes to pop by every Halloween to snigger at the waxwork of Harry Potter. Who unable to move says . . . I sugose you gink gats gunny.