Sunday 5 January 2014

How to use an Umbrella on a Sunday

It has been and still is, not a nice day, I refer to the weather, in fact it is worse now that it was earlier with the wind picking up and the rain increasing somewhat. Luckily it should not get windy enough to cause us any problems and despite the fact the front lawn is under an inch of water we are not going to flood due to the position of the house. But being Sunday means it is quiet and with the weather the way it is, it’s very quiet indeed, not even a Zombie is going to stagger about groaning in this. Interestingly one thing I have never seen before is a Zombie with an umbrella, I’m sure they must know about them and they are technically not hard to use.



Actually I take that point about the use of umbrellas back, because one thing I have noticed on the various news clips of the terrible weather Britain is having is that in many of then folk are battling against the wind and rain with umbrellas.  As you might expect I can hear you type, but in most of these cases the umbrellas are being flipped inside-out and the folk holding them looking stressed and wet. You see there are one or two important points to using umbrellas and these days they are even more important due to the ever increasing use of the small collapsible umbrella; a device which I think we can say is rubbish.  O yes the collapsible   brolly might be convenient to have when it is not raining but they certainly are not when it is raining unless you don’t know how to use an umbrella then at least they will flip inside- out and back again all day long.

So using a brolly correctly first you need to keep the front edge down and pointing into the wind, lift it up to far and the wind gets underneath and will do its best to pull it out of your hand or turn it inside out. You also need to keep the thing close to your head not three feet above it unless it’s a sun brolly or as posh folk call them parasols, try that in Britain and you will be a goner unless you are called Mary Poppins. Best not to tell folk you are Mary Poppins lets face it nobody liked her and she set Britain back 100 years in the minds of the rest of world.   The final point with an umbrella is they become unmanageable once the wind gets to a certain speed and it is like trying to hold a wild man eating mutant seagull over your head and lets face it if it was a wild man eating mutant seagull you would not hang onto its legs and hope it will keep you dry. So once the wind speed gets to the point you can no longer maintain dignity with a umbrella it is better just to fold it up and get out the rain as fast as possible rather than appear on the BBC news looking silly and holding a wild man eating mutant seagull.


Oooooooo yes I have done a bit of arty stuff today so all has not been lost,  although I have probably lost something somewhere today as I tend too most days. One advantage of having glue all over my hands is that I tend not to lose stuff as it tends to be attached to my fingers……

16 comments:

  1. Umbrellas are one of the most useless inventions mankind has ever come up with. Along with the packaging for scissors that require a pair of scissors to open and this symbol which I have no idea how use properly ~ <--- what is that for? I don't know ~ but I~m going to use it more often unt~l it fits~ ~ in some~where~

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    1. I cant even find that symbol Mr H . . . . . . OK I have looked and quess what ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

      It looks like the sea to me, I have discovered the sea . . . OK not a good time to find the sea . . . . . . . .


      AAAuuuuuugh run away its the sea ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~

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  2. Thanks for the brolly tips. I found this more informative than Rihanna's ramblings anyway.

    With your weather reports, have you ever considered killing Michael Fish and assuming his identity? Not that he's on telly anymore, but it might be a useful exercise.

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    1. I do like eating battered fish and have been known to call them Michael before now. I guess that is quite a good start.

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  3. I have neVer seen a zombie with an abacus either. I guess that would be a good zombie test, anyone carrying an umbrella and an abacus is most likely a Nonnbie. Nonnbie is a word I just created that means non Zombie, but I was sneaky in that it kinda looks like Zombie only the Z is rotated 90 degrees tilted and the m has fallen apart in degradation to nn, veRy much like how Zombies are usuaLLy tilted and degraded.

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    1. If people would just switch to concrete or cast iron umbrellas they would soon discover that the wind would not invert them and then I could go back to the USPTO and demand that they issue my patent for my invention.

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    2. I like your word Nonnbie it is an interesting word to Google and little gems such as . . . . .to nonnbie altitude . . . . or . . . . . .Ann has got a dog. Bill and Jenny have 901 . . . . . turn up in the search.

      As for the Zombie with the introduction of the iPod it appears it is possible to see a Zombie with an Abba Curse . . . . . . . . . HAH AH HHAHAHH HAH HA HAH HAH HAH AH hH HAH HA HAH AH HA HAH HA Hhha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha h ah aha hahah ha hah h ah ha haha ahha hah ah ha hhah a . . . . . . . . . . . .Abba Curse. . . . HAH AH HH H HAH HAH H H HA HAa ha ha ha ha ha

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    3. The Cast Iron umbrella has been tried before but its inventor sort of got too tired carrying it through a particularly bad storm and when he put it down it filled with water. He immediately had an inspired thought shouted Eureka and called it a Bath. And then as they say . .. . Cleaned up in the hygiene market . . . . HA HAH HAH HAH HAH HA HAH HAH HA HHa ha ha ha ha ha

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    4. I went to the uspto.gov website for a patent search for 'concrete umbrella' but there were no results. If you search by my first and last name there are seven, things chemical in background.

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    5. Your mention of 'Abba' reminded me that I had a wonderfully silly conversation with son number two at breakfast yesterday that involved memories of eating seafood in Addis Ababa when he was five and a half when we lived in the desert of Ethiopia and rode 75 miles on a camel to get there. Of course we have never lived in Ethiopia and I think he found that amusing.

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    6. I would think if the wild man eating the mutant seagull was smaLL and light enough, and the mutant seagull was large and light enough and the wild man ate slowly then that combination might just work. I would think you would want plenty of napkins.

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    7. AH yes a Wild Man eating the Mutant Seagull, that changes everything although I agree napkins would be needed. maybe waterproof napkins as it is raining rather a lot.

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    8. Waterproof Napkins - hahahahaha, nonflammable gasoline, plastic fruit, oh, wait, plastic fruit makes complete sense ....

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    9. I quite agree about plastic fruit, it is very popular in the UK, folk can have a bowl of fruit on the table and never have to worry about it going mouldy......

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  4. Mr. R.,

    Your arty stuff is a perfect depiction of what happens to even the bestest of umbrellas. The correct usage of a brolly is to dump it in the appropriate recycling bin.

    I hope you don't have glue on your fingers when you type......

    Stick with it, Mr. R.

    Gary

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    1. Or glue on my hands when I attempt to throw an umbrella in the recycling bin . . . . .

      Be good Mr G . . . soon be the A to Z thing again HAH HAH HA HAH AH HAH Hah hah ah ha ha .

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