Tuesday, 30 December 2014

The Traditional Rob Z Tobor End of the Year Post involving Auld Lang Syne and Foxes

I know this is what I wrote last year(and the year before that) but it is now going to be the new, New Years Eve traditional post until I forget that I have one, which may be next year or next week, who can tell......



So here we are at the end (almost) of 2014 and we all know what that means, it means folk standing out on street corners shouting and letting off fireworks hugging strangers as they pass and singing that old traditional Scottish song that no one knows the words too. But luckily most folk are a bit merry and will not be aware that instead of singing the correct words they are singing



Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never mmmmm to mmmmm?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll mmmm  o' mmmm mmmm,
For auld lang syne.

 
which sort of shows that folk don't really know the words

Then everyone will repeat this until they get bored and spot an urban fox chasing a pigeon, where upon the masses will abandon singing Auld Lang Syne staggering about in a mad linked hands sort of dance and chase the fox shouting

I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX MY DEAR,
IN A DUSTBIN AT IKEA
I’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX I BET,
PUT BUTTER IN HIS EAR

BUTTER IN HIS EAR MY DEAR,
PUT BUTTER IN HIS EAR
WE’ll CATCH AN URBAN FOX AND THEN WE’LL GET
SOME BUTTER IN HIS EAR

O yes they all know the words then

So I have left a message with the foxes (again) to avoid large crowds of people who look happy and not to spend the night raiding the Swedish meat balls in the bins of IKEA. And don’t go anywhere near people with tubs of butter

I would like to wish everyone a jolly happy new year (yes OK it is still two days away but) and if you live in the UK I believe New Years Day is due to be stormy/nice or something  (it was last year),  not sunny like this year (the year before last year).  . . . I dont know what will happen this year regarding the weather yet, and I suspect no one really cares that much 



If you do not plan to sing a fox based song and chase urban foxes then here are the words to Auld Lang Syne, the proper ones which is not as good but which is more traditional unless you live very near IKEA and are pestered by Urban Foxes. . . . . . . . . . .


Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll tak a cup o'kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowans fine;
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,
Sin' auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin' auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.

And there's a hand, my trusty fere!
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught,
For auld lang syne.
For auld, &c.



All the best for 2015. Or what ever year it is about to be at some point approx . . . . 

As for the Nice Steven Spielberg, I may be forced to take my story to another film Producer chap. . . . . . I know its terrible, but I am getting older all the time so if I wait too long I will be well past it and totally away with the fairies. 

.

Saturday, 27 December 2014

Big Questions Answers . . . Will 2015 be the End of the World.





Interestingly so far, as we approach the end of 2014 no one has mentioned the End of the World. This is unusual as most years we are told that next year is going to be it (the End of the World). I suspect folk are keeping their heads down about predicting this because in recent years there have been several times where it has not actually happened and there is nothing quite as humiliating as everyone looking at you the next day like you are a complete idiot followed by anger as it dawns on them that spending their life saving on a pet dolphin and a night in a posh hotel in Blackpool was a bad idea.

So having subdued the crackpot element of the End of the World prediction game we can look at the possibilities with logic and a fair amount of rationality. You see one thing we know we can’t say is  . . . . The World will definitely not End in 2015 . . . .  So having established it might End we need to look at the possibilities and assess the risks.

1     Well it has been said that there is a meteor due in 2015 that is rather large and may hit Earth . . . .  We can see this as a high risk possibility so 50%

2      We know that the Super Volcano in North America will at some point erupt, it is said by scientists that a Super Volcano is overdue, so although the Yellowstone Park one is not in theory due to go bang it is a possibility and so is a known high risk maybe 25%

3     A complete failure of all electronic devices due to a huge solar flare. This may not be the End of the World but it would bring the End of the World as we know it. A solar flare large enough to cause this would be rare but there is concern in science that the risk it may occur is increasing. So let’s say 15%

4     A terrible epidemic with no known cure will rapidly spread through the world’s population and reduce numbers to a level where our lifestyle is unsustainable and those left fight over the last tins of beans. . . . The risk is increasing, antibiotics are not what they were and human travel makes it likely that once something highly contagious got out of control it would be every man for himself . . .  risk maybe 5%


5     An as yet unknown force or series of events that will result in the End of the World is always a possibility and there are lots of them but in most cases unlikely so let’s say overall  4%

6     Aliens OK aliens are to many a very remote possibility, but we all watch films and if there is one thing we know, it is they are out to take over the planet so that would be the end for us. But lots of folk say Aliens are rubbish so we will put the risk at 1%

7      Finally there are folk who are convinced the End of the World will be Zombies. Yes I know it is very unlikely and people say these are mad folk with loony ideas, but just in case I think we can assess the risk at a very low 0.1% (even the strangest theories can sometimes occur.

Now each of these risks is independent of the other so the overall risk that one of them may occur is 50+25+15+5+4+1+0.1 which equals 100.1%

In other words using good scientific principles rather than some crackpot idea we can say with some certainty that the risk that the End of the World will occur in 2015 is 100.1%


AH DAMN 

Thursday, 25 December 2014

A Christmas Day Message not from the Queen

I seldom Write posts on Christmas Day but it is ten thirty in the evening all is quite and so I am reposting my diary entry from 2011. This means that some of what is below is not true and some is. Fundamentally I did not get the same presents I got new ones. . . .I am a lucky chap. As I have said many times the world is fickle there are things we can control and even more we cant, I hope you have all had a great day and that the year ahead will be good. I wish you all the very best and hope as always that folk learn to all live together even though I realise this is unlikely. . . .us humans are not all nice which is a damn shame, we are a conflict of human morality and the basic instincts of nature.  


So what did I write in 2011

Christmas day and a time of many things to many people. My good friend Captain Nessman will have been to mass and then out helping others and trying to do good deeds remembering his friends and family, a day of peace before battling the seven seas once more. We have had a quiet day at home opening presents and pottering about, and sending the odd message out wishing the world a Merry Christmas.

It has been a very chilled Christmas day which is great and I am very lucky to have an array of interesting presents from family and friends including my first mass market merchandising in the form of a badge, well several of them in fact from Miss Fionski the Famous Russian Spy proving the very point that thinking about presents means more than spending lots of money.

I also got some huge clawed hands that fit on my own hands so that I can pick up entire shrubs in the garden and put then in the expanding container supplied with them. I tried testing them on the cat but it ran away at the sight of two huge green claws approaching. I have also receiver books and CD’s (Steely Dan and Neil Young), posh shirts and posh chocolates and various items for the garden plus a weather vane for the roof (Well Cool). Yes I know what you are thinking “BUT YOU ARE AN ECCENTRIC CHILD NOT SOME GRUMPY OLD BLOKE” but I have loads of stuff and as my very good friend Captain Nessman would say Stuff does not bring happiness, OK I am happy and like stuff and have lots of it, but the twists and turns of life are fickle and we must remember such things and not take the good fortune we find ourselves in for granted. After all there are millions who have no control over their fate and have nothing or give up all to fight the greed and corruption of their leaders.

OK that’s it the end of this years Queens speech, Time for food and overindulgence after all I do live in the decadent west, although I don’t do sales so no boxing day sales for us. 

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Its Christmas Eve . . .A time of more repeats on the tele and cyberspace

Here we are on Christmas Eve
When Santa he rolls up his sleeve
And checks the sleigh
The reindeer too
So many things he has to do
And if he’s hungry he eats an Elf
And checks the presents on the shelf
And gets his coat out
And cleans his boots
And . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Hang on a bit . . . EATS an ELF



 What is going on here then no one told me Santa eats Elves that’s not nice. All that Ho Ho Ho smiling and being friendly and underneath the Mr Nice Guy exterior is an Elf Eater…. Well if that’s the case it is time to do something about it.

No wonder Santa keeps singing that jingle  . . . . . .An Elf a Day helps your Work, Rest and Sleigh . . . . and complaining about plagiarism   


So to save the Elves . . . . . Christmas is now officially BANNED ... Sorry everyone but it’s the only way.

Tuesday, 23 December 2014

The possible origin of Christmas. . . sort of.

As we enter the eve of Christmas Eve  it is a time of Christmas carols and interesting stories about things that people do not know about , stories of great strangeness from all over the world, so as we start to panic that we have not wrapped any presents yet.  I will retell (I know Christmas is also a time of repeats on TV and Blogs) of a certain tribe deep in the South American forest and how their ancestral song ended up as a Christmas carol.





It appears the tribe were cannibals, I know not nice, but these things happened back in the old days, and it is said by those who know that the tribe would attack other tribes and run off with the juicy ones and eat them in a big festival with roast chestnuts and hang their (the chaps becoming dinner) clothes above the open fire as they slowly roasted them on a large spit (OK YUCK). 

As time passed European Missionaries arrived and said HANG ON THIS IS NOT NICE YOU CAN'T DO THAT so they (the tribe) tried eating the missionaries, but they tasted really very YUCK to the tribe. It was the high wheat diet of the Europeans, all that bread and hard ships biscuits, and it turned out the tribe was allergic to wheat, what with there being none in the jungle.

Then on this very night (OK tomorrow night but its close) hundreds of years ago three kings from the east arrived who had followed a star, and they came bearing gifts having travelled over field and fountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star until they arrived in the deep forest. The tribe who now realized eating Europeans was a bad move said HELLO WHO ARE YOU THEN and the three Kings said WE'RE THREE KINGS OF ORIENT ARE but due to a terrible error in translation it was translated into WHEAT FREE KINGS OF ORIENT ARE, and so on Christmas day all those hundreds of years ago the tribe had a delicious meal of three kings. Their (The Three Kings) ornate stockings, (Kings wear ornate stockings when travelling) . . .  hanging in the branches above the fire, filled with the gifts that they brought with them.  

The tribe wrote a song in celebration and as the kings were from the orient the song became a victim of Chinese Whispers and the rest as we tend to say is History.

Yes its a shock but Christmas is an old South American cannibal festival that has sort of gone wrong over time, which must be true or why on earth would we be expected to eat brussel sprouts. 

Saturday, 20 December 2014

The END and New Beginnings . . .





As I battle away in cyberspace in a rather disjointed and odd fashion this year I have come to notice the fickleness and frail nature of what we are all doing (OK what I am doing). In fact I guess this is much like the real world of reality where we bang into things and hit our fingers with hammers and it hurts, I really need to use a hammer less or keep my eyes open while I hit stuff.  As the many of you who have viewed my blog lately will know, I have written several rather quirky Harry Potter based stories and a couple of poems, but they have not been received well. I can tell this from the page views I have been getting lately and from a high of a tiny bit under 10,000 page views in one month back earlier in the year it has now dropped below a figure I was getting back at the beginning of 2012. This decline in pageviews matching the exact point where I first started writing alternative Harry Potter stories. OK we have had our disagreements over the years and I know he is not out to get me personally and stuff, but my own stubbornness to say OK everyone so you didn't like that, so here is another one then YA SUCKS BOO to you has not helped matters.

So I can hear you are all thinking, what is the point you are trying to make in your usual long winded way that means we all get confused and don't understand a thing. Well the point is why do we actually do this, why do folk blog. What exactly is it that makes us tick and decide that we need to write our various blogs. Well for some it is self promotion maybe writing books and hoping that the very nice Steven Spielberg or someone of a similar nature will pluck them from obscurity.  Lets face it trying to climb over his electric fence drug the guard dogs and avoid the men in uniform is harder than I thought (sorry I mean a foolish idea). Some folk use their blogs to sell stuff, some to meet new friends in cyberspace and others as a way to leave a small marker in the grand master plan of life, the universe and everything. In fact this is how this blog first started when a very clever young Russian woman died having spent the last couple of years of her life meeting folk through cyberspace and Facebook. It made me realize that it is good to write and good to have a blog even if everyone else thinks your blog is entire rubbish, the point being these are my words and my drawings and my blog is unique to me. So now as folk come and go I grab my trusty pointy stick look at the impassable mountain range ahead and head off into the great unknown.  Knowing that out there in that great unknown is stuff I don’t know about, a future of as yet unseen bloggers and other such people.

So I hear you say, what has brought about this reflective pondering about what all this blogging is all about in the first place. Well and it’s a shock but the Great Bumferry Hobart creator of the blog Thoughtless Gibberish is hanging up that QWERTY keyboard of his and cyberspace will lose his quiet British wit and charm that we have all come to love. . . . It’s a great loss and a blow as he represents almost twenty five percent of my followers.

Farewell Mr H and a Merry Christmas I hope your retirement plans are like that Frank Sinatra bloke and you have a few comebacks before you finally go.


You will be missed. 

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Part Five of Hogwarts v Jurassic World . . . . The Life of a Pirate is Something to Be



Forty Foot up on the feeding platform Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire is preoccupied with his continued fight with the coach party of pensioners. Even Harry Potter, Hermione and the others from Hogwarts are impressed by the feisty nature of the little old ladies.  Harry pointing out to the others that even Muggles can put up a good fight when they need to.

Meanwhile way over on the other side of the vast pool Captain Silver is chatting to our small band of hero’s lead by The White Rabbit and Alice.

Well Young Harrison Ford-Cortina you appear to be Half Tyrannosaurus Rex now how did that happen

Harrison Ford-Cortina growling and waving his hands (claws about) and adding the odd roar.

Well you don’t say that’s terrible who did that then

Harrison continues to growl hiss and wave his arms about in big gestures

Well you mean Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire, but hes a wizard he will be in big trouble doing stuff like that.

At this point Master Higgs butts in and says excuse me Captain but do you understand what Harrison is saying.

Well of course I do?

Harrison then joins in with various growls and other noises and yet more gesturing before finally pointing towards the Professor on the other side of the pool.

AH DAMN says the Captain.

What, what did Harrison say enquires Master Higgs.

Well he said that the Professor just disposed of the last little old lady and is about to try and destroy us now as part of his mad evil plan.

As they all look towards the Professor he is laughing hysterically and holding his wand high above his head, but before he can cast his terrible spell a flock of Wild Mutant Ravens swoop down on him making him lose his balance and slip. The Professor finding himself hanging by his finger tips off the edge of the feeding platform with his wand held between his teeth.

Harry turns to the young student wizards of Hogwarts and says . . . You see I said that turning little old ladies into Wild Mutant Ravens was not a good idea and this is worth remembering for the future. You see you need to think ahead and make sure that your magic does not backfire on you.

As the Professor attempts to pull himself back onto the platform a rather large Plesiosaur emerges out of the water and grabs the professor in its mouth pulling him down into the water. Where deep in the depths of the performance pool the two of them struggle in a fight to the death.

Well that was a stroke of luck HAR HAR HAR says Captain Silver, Harrison Ford-Cortina adding several growls and pointing at the masts.

You’re Quite right Young Harrison its time to sail. . . . . Here do you fancy a life as a pirate sailing the seven seas, working part time as a taxi for Hogwart Students and having adventures as we chase sea monsters and stuff. . . . it’s a grand life.

Harrison Smiles and nods before vanishing up the mast to set the sails. (Those long claws are rather useful if you are a pirate)

AH that’s not fair say several of the young Hogwarts students to Harry . . . . .  why cant we be pirates, just because Harrison Ford-Cortina is half Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Well says Harry That is fate even a wizard cant change fate.

As the pirate ship returns to sea Master Higgs, Alice and The White Rabbit slip below deck where a large mirror stands in the captains Room. Time to go Home says Alice and the three of them leap through the mirror ready for the next great adventure.

Back by the pool Harry, Hermione and the others are watching the big fight underwater, but just as the professor comes up for air a large smiling cat appears and says

Beware the Jabberwockysarus my friends

Hermione and Harry look at one another and say. . . YICKS Time to get the coach back home I THINK . . . Leaving Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire in a tricky position with a large Plesiosaur hanging onto one leg and the  Jabberwockysarus licking its lips on the side of the pool.



The END 

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Part Four of Hogwarts V Jurassic World . . . Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum




As our heroic heroes arrive at the large and impressive outdoor performance pool for the Aquatic Dinosaurs of Jurassic World they spot Harry Potter, Hermione, Lily Luna and an assortment of young student wizards from Hogwarts. Lily Luna hanging over the side of the pool saying

dad dad dad dad  dad dad dad dad can I have a plesiosaur as a pet. . . . . I promise to look after it and clean outs its straw every week.

No Lily Luna I think you might be thinking of the wrong dinosaur.

But I want A PLESIOSAUR IT’S not fair.

However before the conversation continues it is interrupted by the arrival of Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire  who is looking flustered, and is desperately attempting to un-jam his large and very scary machine gun. He is now being pursued by a large group of irritated pensioners who have chased him all the way from Customer Services.

Unfortunately for the professor while he was threatening the queues (who had amassed at Customer Services) with death for demanding a refund, he ended up with a jammed large scary machine gun. Now as anyone who has ever had to deal with the public will know . . . . you will never get away with threatening a coach party of pensioners if they think they are entitled to a refund or discount. And so any sign of weakness and they will attack like ferocious and totally irrational killer Zombies, so a jamming machine gun means you are a goner for sure.              
   
As the Professor passes the group he sees Harrison Ford-Cortina and throws his still jammed machine gun at him shouting things before leaping onto the edge of the pool still being chased by the coach party of pensioners.

Meanwhile as everyone else watches the rather strange spectacle of a gang of little old ladies hitting the professor on a small feeding platform forty feet above the pool the White Rabbit is focused on the distant horizon of the large bay beyond the pool.  Then as his packet watch chimes the hour he fires a flare gun high into the air, after a few seconds a flare is seen far off out at sea in response. Slowly but surely and generally unnoticed by most, a ship can be seen sailing towards Jurassic World, a ship with distinct sails flying the skull and crossbones.

By now Harry, Hermione and the young wizards of Hogwarts have settled down in the tiered seating of the vast performance pool to watch the grand finale.   Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire having now resorted to using magic to defend himself from the relentless onslaught of little old ladies

Ooo the Grand Council of Wizards will not approve of that says Harry as another little old lady is turned into a Wild Mutant Raven.

Daaaaaaaaaad can I have a Wild Mutant Raven as a pet

No Lily Luna they are particularly aggressive and a bad choice by Professor Frankenzompire.


On the other side of the vast pool Young Higgs, Alice, The White Rabbit and Harrison Ford-Cortina are pushing the seriously enormous lock gates open that connect the performance pool to open ocean via a grand canal.

Now you have all seen the film, you all know that the large ocean going aquatic dinosaurs actually live out at sea and have been trained to enter the performance pool to do a few tricks like leap forty feet out of the water to get a tasty treat such as say a pensioner from a passing coach party.  What do you mean you have not seen the film (DAMN how was I to know it has not been released publically yet. . .  Sorry Mr Spielberg).

As the Lock gates open a large pirate ship sails into the pool its captain at the wheel laughing HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR shiver me timbers it be Master Higgs and Harrison Ford-Cortina . . . .  You are looking a bit different young Harrison since I last saw ye HAR HAR . . . . . . .  

Lily Luna turns to her dad and says that’s Captain Silver of Silvers Water Taxi’s who takes us to Hogwarts each term what is he doing here.

It is, and I don’t know yet, but I think that is a Plesiosaur over there too says Harry

Lily Luna claps her hands and says this is dead exciting I like Jurassic World.

 
To Be Continued.


Yes the Story has yet one more part to it as it reaches the grand finish where all will be revealed. 

Link to PART FIVE

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Part Three of Hogwarts v Jurassic World. The JABBERWOCKYSARUS eats an ice cream van



Link to Part Two

Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire having run out of ammunition and discovering that the JABBERWOCKYSARUS is one of those rare spell immune beasts, heads quickly back to his main office. But as he enters the phone rings and a young girl at Customer Services is panicking.

You need to come to customer services quick Professor Frankenzompire the puplic are here on mass demanding refunds.

A REFUND says the Professor we never give refunds….

They are getting very restless and are complaining there are ferocious dinosaurs running loose all over the place.

I’ll be there straight away says the Professor reloading his large scary machine gun. No one gets a refund here he thinks to himself and I am not starting now, we will see what they think after I have fed a few of them to the Plesiosaurus.



Back near the monorail stop Alice, the White Rabbit, Young Higgs and Harrison Ford-Cortina emerge from behind a large wall and decide to head towards the main performance pool for the aquatic dinosaur exhibits. However as they head down the central walkway the   JABBERWOCKYSARUS appears chewing a large bus, but on seeing the small group it drops the bus and slowly walks towards them.

It’s a smelly beast says Higgs

Indeed it is . . . .  and rather big replies Alice.

Is the White Rabbit going to fight it and save us then, it usually does.

No

AH

But as the JABBERWOCKYSARUS gets to within a few feet of them Harrison Ford- Cortina  suddenly leaps forward (remember he is rather Tyrannosaurus Rex looking now) and starts talking to the beast (I say talking it is in fact growling) and pointing a lot. Then the JABBERWOCKYSARUS shrugs it’s shoulders and starts wandering off towards the main exit of the Jurassic World complex eating a small ice cream van on the way

WHAT ?????? WHAT DID YOU SAY says Young Higgs to Harrison Ford- Cortina. 

Harrison Ford- Cortina has a little look to haven and then repeats his growls and pointing.

AH Right says Higgs still none the wiser and slightly confused.

Our Small, brave, intrepid and possibly foolhardy band of heroes then continue their journey towards the main performance pool for the aquatic dinosaur exhibits where the White Rabbit apparently says he has a cunning plan. Well when I say he says, as we know the White Rabbit says very little but he indicates strongly in a way that is clear to the others that he has a very cunning plan indeed.

To Be Continued


What is this cunning plan I hear you ask. . . . well as I make these stories up as I write then and I don’t have a clue how they are going to end I may have put myself in a difficult position because I don’t know what the cunning plan is either so AH DAMN. . . . 

Link to Part Four 

Monday, 8 December 2014

How easy is it to hide a body in the attic. The Big Questions Answered




As some of you know I am in the process of writing another short alternative Harry Potter Story (which is not going well either, the agony of being a failed writer is agonizing).  Anyway tonight we are having a little break to deal with one of those Big Questions that I think people actually prefer me to write about.  Therefore tonight’s Big Question is. . . . . . . . . . How easy is it to hide a body in the attic. . . . . .  OK I can hear the sound of silence as you all go WHAT and it is true it is not the sort of question most of us ask that often but when you do ask it, it’s a Big Question and you need answers fast. And I do have a reason for dealing with this tonight.

You see after a life of not having to consider this question at all, like the old saying about busses turning up on mass, I have had to deal with two of them tonight so I thought I should deal with the question while the issues are still fresh in my mind. Firstly and this is quite important as I don’t want folk to rush off and phone the police saying quick go to that Rob Z Tobor’s house he has an attic full of bodies….. Even if you see it as a cunning way to stop me writing reams of total rubbish about stuff or bad Harry Potter stories. The fact is I have not been killing folk off (honest) what I have been doing is putting two rolls of the old rubber carpet underlay up in the attic and they are sort of body sized and about the same weight and flop about a bit like a body.

So exactly what are the main problems with this. Well it’s not easy because any attic that you can hide bodies in is also one that is not easy to get into. Ours has one of the attic ladders which is OK unless you are trying to carry a large floppy-ish item up it and through a smallish hatch in the ceiling. Ours also does not have boards over its entire area and it would not do to fall through the ceiling clutching a body as the ambulance chaps might be suspicious when you say Uncle George sort of rolled himself up in a carpet you had handy in the garage.  Here in Britain may attics do not have lights in either (luckily ours does) but stumbling about in the dark with your friend draped over your shoulder while holding a torch balancing on 4 inch rafters is far from easy.


So in hindsight all I can say is you might be better to hide the body under the patio. Only as we all know this is the first thing the police dig up and if they don’t if you ever sell the house the new owners will do it just in case you hid a body under there and they are worried about the rumour of Zombies in the neighbourhood. One further point is if you wish to keep your carpet underlay for future use then do not bury it under the patio is has a habit of rotting and going mouldy. Something that you might consider a bonus if it was a body.   

Saturday, 6 December 2014

Part two of Hogwarts v Jurassic World. . . . . Professor Frankenzompire gets angry.




As Harry Potter, Hermione and a motley collection of wizard students from Hogwarts emerge from behind the large fibreglass Ichthyopterygia, Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire strides towards them. His long floor length black leather coat, designer wrap round mirror finish sunglasses and huge scary machine gun make the young wizards a little nervous as they hide behind Harry. Only Lily Luna saying WOW DAD can I have one of those guns that’s awesome.

No I don’t think so says Harry

AH Harry Potter . . .  I believe one of your students has accidently got mixed up in one of my experiments and has turned a bit Tyrannosaurus Rex said Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire.

Indeed he is standing over there with that large White Rabbit, Alice from Wonderland and Master Higgs the son of Professor Brian Dumblecox . . . . . Have you come to turn him back into Harrison Ford-Cortina the popular wizard student from gryffindor.

O NO and with that he raises his large scary machine gun and fires a long burst at Harrison Ford-Cortina. NO SORRY BUT HE HAS TO DIE.

But in a blur of slow motion the Large White rabbit leaps in front of the slightly modified Wizard Student and picks the bullets out of the air and then has a close look at them before dropping them on the ground. Well as you can imagine Professor Frankenzompire is not entirely happy and pulls an old black twisted wand from inside his coat and shouts a terrible spell as a huge fiery thunderbolt envelopes the space where the White Rabbit and the others had been standing. But they have vanished and only a rather strange smiling Cheshire cat is there now, and as it fades it says. . . . . . . . .

Beware the Jabberwockysarus My friend . . . . . . . . . .

Beware the what? shouts Professor Frankenzompire at Harry Potter.

Harry replying . . . It is always best to run when that cat turns up and then vanishes again saying weird stuff like that . . . and with that Harry, Hermione and the other wizard student’s head off sharp-ish towards a now empty burger café near the main performance pool. . . Young Lily Luna saying Can I have Fries with my stegosaurus dad and onion rings . . . .  I like this Jurassic World its WELL COOL. . .  

Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire is very very angry now but as he watches Harry Potter and the other run off he feels the ground shaking and the sound of something Huge snarling and hissing behind him . . . . .. . . . It is the Jabberwockysarus . . . . What manner of beast is this he says to himself as he raises his large scary machine gun up to its well armoured head. Only to find the bullets bounce off the body of the huge beast who barely notices the professor unloading the entire guns magazine of bullets into him.




TO BE CONTINUED

Link to Part Three

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Part One of Hogwarts v Jurassic World.



Due to a very very small increase in cyberspace elsewhere of Harry Potter based followers. I feel I need to write another short alternative tale of Hogwarts for these rather specialized punters. As they say in the docks of Tiger Bay, on the road to Mandalay from Bombay to Santa Fé, o'er the hills and far away . . .  A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. . . If you are not a fan of Harry Potter, it's OK because the link is a little tenuous. 


All the young wizards at Hogwarts were getting rather excited as it was the day of the Christmas Coach trip to somewhere exciting. Well that is not always as easy at it might first appear because these are wizards and they tend to have a slightly more interesting life than most. What with all that flying about on broomsticks and hunting dragons and the like in the magic forest and the various other activities they get up to with frogs, snakes and owls. 

As they all climbed aboard the coaches the young wizards all muttered and complained and said why can’t we just fly there on magic carpets like last year it was much more fun. But the headmaster Harry Potter explained that Jurassic World was in fact a muggle attraction and they had to behave and abide by the rules of engagement when mingling with the muggle masses.  And anyway Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompires  Jurassic World might be a muggle attraction but Professor Frankenzompire was well and truly old school wizard (very old school) and would be rather annoyed if anyone started waving their wands about in public; to which several young wizards sniggered.

After what seemed like no time at all (I suspect there may have been a bit of magic going on) the convoy of old coaches arrived in the huge coach park of the Jurassic World complex where the young wizards immediately headed off to buy Pterodactyl Burgers and Chipiasaur Fries all covered in Cretaceous Sauce (YUM) . . .

As Harry and his daughter,  Lily Luna wandered round the various sights, Harry insisting that dinosaurs are not good pets and are rubbish at doing tricks, even simple ones like balancing chickens on their heads, they noticed a large flock of flamingos.  As they did so a voice behind them said

O god it Must be that Girl again I recognise all those flamingos, it must be Alice and Higgs and probably that stupid White Rabbit I bet. . . . .  The voice of course was that of Hermione.

But before Harry could respond another voice could be heard that drew Harry’s attention to something else.

Headmaster sir sir sir sir sir its Harrison Ford-Cortina sir sir sir he has sort of had a bit of an accident sir.
As Harry looks off into the distance he can see a huge crowd rushing towards him and behind that is Harrison Ford-Cortina only he is not his normal self, he is looking a little more like a Tyrannosaurus Rex than he did when he got on the coach this morning.

AH DAMN says Harry
WOW DAD can I have Harrison Ford-Cortina As a Pet says Lily Luna HE’S COOL.

Well Master Higgs the White Rabbit did say it would be fun to turn up here and see what was going to happen, I DON'T think anyone or anything has eaten anything or anyone yet said Alice who along with Young Higgs and the White Rabbit were standing on the roof of the monorail stop to avoid the stampeding crowd as it headed towards the main exit.

HELLO HARRY shouted Young Higgs at Harry who was now hiding behind a large fibreglass Ichthyopterygia along with Lily Luna, Hermione and several young wizard pupils as they attempt to avoid screaming muggles as they panic.


Then as it gets quieter and the panicked crowd vanishes off into the distance and Harrison Ford-Cortina growls at Harry Potter in an attempt to explain it was nothing to do with him. The tall and terrifying image of a mad demonic Wizard appears out of a large cloud of wizardly cloudy stuff; it is none other than the awesome and imposing spectacle of Professor Franklin F F Frankenzompire himself, looking a little deranged and annoyed.


To be continued       

Saturday, 29 November 2014

Aliens, Black Friday, 40 inch Televisions, Conspiracies and Professor Quatermass.



After many years it appears the so called Black Friday chaos finally arrived here in Britain yesterday, a place not used to Black Friday. And it has come to my notice thanks to the very informative Bumferry Hogart that all was not as it might appear from a distance. You see Mr Hogart or Mr H as we like to call him was brave enough to venture out into the wilds of sale land and found folk acting normally and even smiling. To those of us watching the news this was a shock as on the BBC news we got to watch massed crowds fighting in the playing fields of England . . . sorry I mean the aisles of Tesco as they fought to the last man over 40 inch television sets. This is interesting because (as I have already discussed with Mr H) a couple of years ago when the good folk of Britain in certain places (cities) rioted one of the main items targeted by the looters was 40 inch television sets.

In fact 40 inch television sets seem to have a strange effect on the public and the people who own them. So I have had to conclude from all the evidence that has been placed in front of me that the minds of man has been subconsciously manipulated by Aliens of a higher intelligence many millions of years ago to desire a 40 inch television.  Of course the Aliens have been waiting quietly for us to get to the stage where our own intelligence is good enough to develop the mass produced 40 inch Flat Screen Television. Which means mankind has now finally reached a point where we now sit and worship these 40 inch large shiny black monoliths in our living rooms. Now ask yourself does this remind you of something, a film maybe called . . . 2001 a Space Odyssey. 

You see these large black 40 inch screen technological devices are more than a simple television set they are the incubators of the dormant offspring of the Aliens who will at some point leap out of the screen and into the body and mind of the humans who have been sent into a comatose state by watching hours of talent shows and minor celebs doing stuff like dancing and eating armadillos or Dads Army. 

And once the humans have been assimilated and genetically realigned they will join the army of existing aliens who insist those of us who do not yet own 40 inch televisions should get one because it’s a must for every modern home. This way it is only a matter of time until we are all taken over and Mankind as we know it is changed forever becoming Aliens just like the ones you see on the TV. . . . . . .


I blame that Professor Quatermass. . . . 

Friday, 28 November 2014

The Big Questions I Can't Answer (or a Quiz Night)




I am off at a quiz night tonight to very possibly be asked to answer questions, as that is the general nature of quiz nights. I am not a silly unknowledgeable chap, however I am not good at answering questions at random out of the blue, it is not what I do.  Also Quiz nights tend to have questions about popular television, I do not know much about popular television except most of it is rubbish and my poor old brain is confused by the fact it is popular. Quiz nights also have questions about sport and football, a game involving a round ball and played by chaps from abroad who earn huge amounts of money; one of whom once said something about Seagulls. . .  And popular music is in general another subject that tends to crop up at such events. . . I am also not good at popular music which these days seems to involve boy bands and folk who have won TV talent shows . . .  I have decided to answer all these particular questions with either  . . . Tiny Tim or Country Joe and the Fish . . . that way I stand a small chance of getting one question right.

The good news is this quiz night is to be held of Big Bills Greasy Fur Ball Café, the home of the greatest food in the world and at midpoint in the proceeding we all stop for chicken pie and chips unless you are a veggie in which case it’s the veggie option. This makes the humiliation of being last by several hundred points behind a mad old granny and her team of cats acceptable.  Sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do in order to consume the delights of great pies.


Of course this years blog theme which I keep departing from on an almost daily basis is The Big Questions, so it is more than a little ironic that I will be sitting blank faced, drinking orange juice shouting TINY TIM TINY TIM TINY TIM at my fellow team mates as they ponder on the question  . . . . Who was the last Governor-General of the Belgian Congo? and for a bonus point what was the name of his dog . . . . While they try and think if Baron Théophile Wahis was the last one or not because he was not that keen on dogs only to find out after that rather ironically (there will be much irony) he did have a small dog called Tiny Tim. . . . .  At which point I will look smug and nod with a knowing nod.  As I have said Tiny Tim must be the answer to something. I have a feeling he sang a cover of that famous Charles Dickens song . . .  Santa in Red. . . .  

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Steven Spielberg, Jurassic World and certain investment concerns about dinosaurs

As my few but loyal followers will know I have been cooking up brilliant ideas for the very nice Steven Spielberg now for about four years and in that time have thought of hundreds of them. Some of them probably even good ones, yes the law of averages states that I Rob Z Tobor is capable of thinking of good ideas, a bit like all those monkeys writing Shakespeare in the infinite voids of infinity.  So am I annoyed that the nice Mr Spielberg is doing a sneaky and churning out yet another dinosaur film, this time called Jurassic World well the answer is . . . . . . . . a bit.

And in order to understand just how improbable this film is it is important to go back to the beginning when some bright spark comes up with the idea of Jurassic World in the first place. So let us reflect on a man as he walks with purpose along the busy streets of Gotham City clutching his neat leather executive case heading towards the Gotham City Central Bank.




Hey hello Professor shouts a voice in the crowd as Professor Frankenstein busily pushes his way through the throng into the huge marble hall way of the Central Bank, its magnificent classical columns twinkling with the light of the halls chandeliers.

O hello Clark I am a bit late for an appointment at present so will see you later, I could have a great story for the paper. With that he waves and heads off towards the manager’s office, it is not good to be late when you want to borrow several million Dollars.

Professor Frankenstein you are on the dot please come straight in it is always good to see you. Says the banks Manager

Ah Thank you . . . you are very kind

Please take a seat and tell me how I can help you, although I have to warn you banking has changed in the last few years it is not like it was back in the good old days.

Yes I have a new plan. One greater than any of my previous plans and one that will make us all very very rich it’s a brilliant plan if I say so myself. But I will need to borrow several million dollars.

Well as I have said Banking is not what it was, but we are always keen to support good ideas tell me all about it.


Yes I want to build a world full of living dinosaurs and breed them in captivity it will attract millions of visitors and scientists from all over the world. . . . I thought I would call it Jurassic World.

AH . . . . Well Professor it sounds a bit like Jurassic Park to me and we know what happened with that and more than once I may add.

Yes OK it didn’t entirely work out as planned but this time it will be dead exciting . . . no pun intended. . . and entirely safe. . . . . Sort of.

You said that last time Professor and you told me that they would be small dinosaurs not huge things

Well they were smallish . . . . they just had big claws

Indeed and just how big will these dinosaurs be this time.

Welll mmmmmm maybe 70 to 90 feet long or so but with smaller claws.

Look I’m sorry Professor but the bank can’t afford to invest in more monsters we are not thought of well at present and your track record is a bit dodgy to say the least. I mean what happened to that chap you made with the bolt through his neck. And we invested in that King Kong which turned out to be a bad move, as did that bloke Indiana Jones and his Pyramid Scam. And if anyone mentions the creature from the black lagoon again I will hit them.

So it sounds like you are saying No

O what the hell we will give it a go what can really go wrong. . . . Sooner or later someone will get the hang of these dinosaurs, they cant all be super intelligent killing machines. I mean just how realistic is that,  After all even that nice Steven Spielberg would not be foolish enough  to make yet another of those films would he.

AH DAMN funny you should say that






THE END. . . . . . . . . . .