Sunday, 22 July 2012

The Hunchbacked Claw Monster and the hand


Not sure what got me yesterday, but my hand is very itchy and swollen today, there is evidence that something has bitten it several times although I never felt a thing at the time. The dog recons it is the rare pygmy vampire that lives on hedgehogs, moles and rabbits; and at some point yesterday or last night the pygmy vampires mistook my hand for a tarantula spider or a rat. I did say my hand does not look like a rat but everyone just looked away and sniggered a lot? ......... …….. .. NOT FAIR.  

I also somehow pulled a muscle in my neck so the dog says that I now look like the famous Hunchbacked  Claw Monster with its huge claw that can snip the head off a lion in one go.  In fact the dog sent me next door to prove that I should be able to snip the head off a Lion. As I discovered a bit later snipping a Lilo in half when the man is sunbathing in the pool on it does not count….



Today is a prime example of classic British weather, we have suffered rain storms and flooding for weeks then all of a sudden twenty four hours passes and it is roasting, it is so hot we all have to run for cover. It is not easy to run for cover with a huge swollen hand as it drags you sideways and you go round in circles and I was not happy that the dog and the cats decided to use its shadow to keep cool. Particularly as they then forced me to sit on the sunny side of my own hand.

We have had a few visitors today who said they had been looking on the internet and thought they would pop round to have a little look at my hand as someone had said it looked like a rat that had swallowed a party balloon and was very amusing.  No one would say exactly who had been saying such things but I noticed the dog sniggering a lot and smiling at everyone with his huge pointy teeth and red eyes. The dog really should not smile at folk because he frightens them. Anyway I think it is the dog trying to make me look like an IDIOT.   

Mum is not happy with dad and says he must stop playing with his weather machine, but dad says a mysterious man has given him loads of money to make sure it remains sunny for the Olympics. Although as mum points out agents from an unspecified country have also given dad loads of money to insure that the weather during the Olympics is rotten. Dad has pointed out this is Britain and it should be easy to do both, all he needs to do is some fine tweaking to his machine. He did say if I didn’t have a hand like an inflated rat I would be able to help him but has said I could held by using it to hammer in some fence posts …… NOT FAIR again……  And it appears the dog has hired my hand out as a bouncy castle and there is a gang of grumpy parents demanding it is delivered to their party….. Apparently there is only one solution according to mum so I am off now…… The dog says I need to hum so I sound like a pump….  



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15 comments:

  1. Wowzers! That picture of your hand should come with a warning Rob. Ive just finished my Gammon for tea and feel a little queasy. although I cant stop looking at it.
    It does remind me of those "is-it-a-rabbit-or-is-it-a-duck" pictures.
    except its your hand... and I cant stop looking at it.
    Hope the swelling subsides soon.
    ouch.






    (still looking at it)

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    1. At least you did not say is it a large inflated rodent that has spent some time pretending to be a bouncy castle.

      As someone once said..... its only a flesh wound

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  2. Using a computer program caLLed VisualDNA, I was able to reconstruct a complete photo of you based on just your hand, but my wife said, "Is that Elvis P. Resley?" [Don't worry, it was a young Elvis. Thank you very much.]

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    1. I will have to investigate the young Elvis in some detail now to see if his hands resemble that of an inflated rat. This is not something I have noticed previously but having said that I will admit I have never looked that closely at his hands. But it may explain his rise to fame, I Goggled VisualDNA and it lead me to SwordCiboodle. I think Elvis may have taken the same path all those years ago.........

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    2. I dId a google search that brought back no results, so I think Google hasn't recorded aLL your comment section lately.

      Search string:"Elvis P. Resley" visualDNA

      WeLL, I must go now, the Wifey needs more paint. [That was an interesting typographical error: I had aint instead of paint]

      i was doing a good enough job of almost kiLLing myself through heat/exhaustion doing insulating work and then she enticed me (with breakfast) to help her move some veRy large shelves. I came home and crashed in the tub. Cooper thought it was interesting when I put my whole head under water, but then he barked at me! So I used the line on him (when he plays in water) "Is Ernie getting the salmon? ROARrrrrrr!!!!!" about myself. I hope I can now walk. It wiLL be a chaLLenge.

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    3. No one has ever said "Is Ernie getting the salmon? ROARrrrrrr!!!!!" on the internet before as far as I know.... Even Google agrees with me on that...

      It is interesting to find things that no one has said before in the history of human things.

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    4. Perhaps it is my unique ROARrrrrrr.

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  3. Oh Rob Z, I have to apologies for laughing so much but a sun shade and a bouncy castles? The image of it all is just too funny.
    At least no-one mistook it for the Goodyear Blimp.

    Hope it gets much better soon.

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    1. I think you have given the dog an idea now, he thinks I should breath Helium and he could float me over the Olympic stadium and sell advertising space on my hand.... I have put my foot down and said NO but he is trying to sneak a pipe up my bottom, not exactly what I was planning for the day....

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    2. HAHAHAHAHA! Rob Z, my eyes are brimming with tears from laughing so much!

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    3. It might be from the Helium it is funny stuff

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  4. Never realised that a swollen hand could be this entertaining. Hope you are well soon.

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    1. Many thanks, As my diary is a diary I am trapped by the days events, with some degree of twisting and turning in order to make an entertaining story. Well I hope entertaining......

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