Sunday, 24 June 2012

Russian Spies, Miss Goldilocks and the Wicked Witch of the West

I am off later to collect the Cultural Olympian, my contribution to the Cultural Olympiad art thing that is rambling away in various parts of Britain at present. It has been very popular although most people seem to think it is a metal sculpture not a cardboard sculpture, and need to be told otherwise. Anyway that is later. So I may get back about this if things go to plan.

I have been told that my diary is like a fairly tale only rubbish with no plot and no decent moral ending as the hero and the princess get eaten by Zombies. Hang on this is at the end of the book so I haven’t told you that yet; that is the big surprise ending ……. AH OK it was the big surprise ending……….. DAMN sorry DAM, I seem to have started to use the right one by mistake.

Anyway at school we were asked to write a fairy tale based on what was happening outside the big classroom windows which look out over the rolling fields toward the cricket pitch and the big lake beyond, so I did…….

Once upon a time there was a young Russian spy called Miss Goldilocks, Goldilocks was her code name her real name was Miss Fionaski. However no one is allowed to know that Miss Fionaski’s codename is Golilocks or I will be in serious trouble like the wacky-leaks man……….AH. DAM.  

Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy

One day Miss Goldilocks was happily skipping across the field with her shortwave radio and codebook when she was approached by The Wicked Witch of the West who said “HAR HAR HAR HARDY HAR”, no hang on that’s the wrong story she went “HA HA HAH HAHAH Hah hah aha hah hahaha hah hahhahah ………… ………. …….HAH AHHAH HA H HAH AHAH Hah ah hah h hh hahhaha haha …..Is that a short wave radio and codebook Goldilocks because we don’t like them here in the WEST” Miss Goldilocks was frightened because The Wicked Witch of the West was spraying strange substances at the grass all around Miss Goldilocks which hissed and smouldered and horrible fumes drifted around Miss Goldilocks.

But Miss Goldilocks bravely said “This is a public right of way I always come here to transmit my messages at three minutes before mid-day every Sunday and Wednesday, and look that Song Thrush looks a bit poorly now”. The Wicked Witch of the West just laughed Hysterically though “HAH HAHHAH HHAH hahHAH HHHHAH Hhah hah hahh ha……HAH hHAH HAH HAH HAH Hhah hah haha hah ha” and so Miss Golilocks ran all the way home and sent a coded message that said

The seagulls are sitting on the lake playing cricket the ball has been hit out of bounds in the fields, send more puffins and vodka. The Witch is Mad……..     

It was at this point I was distracted by the image of the goat as he sailed through the air towards the out of town supermarket………. And people think none of this is true …..IDIOTS. 

I know its Sunday I shouldn't be at School but I get confused 



  1. I think the best fairy tales are the ones without happy endings, so yours where the princess and hero get eaten by zombies are perfect!

    1. That is very kind of you to say so.... I don't think you get many fairy tales with Zombies in which is a shame......

  2. I have a plan for you: Fool everyone by making an eXact duplicate of the statue in metal, perhaps iron or depleted uranium. Then paint it eXactly like the cardboard original. Then if someone decides to kick it they wiLL hurt their foot, thinking they they were going to mess with your cardboard masterpiece. I am thinking it could be the beginning of a giant chess set! I like the idea of using depleted uranium, because it is for the Olympics and uranium has the word 'ran' in it, and depleted has 'Ted', and there are bound to be lotza Ted's at the Olympics.

    1. Okay, now I have read the rest of the blog post. I think I wiLL try to find a bear with three Goldilocks story.

    2. Nope-ah, could not find anything on the vveb vvith one bear and three Goldilocks.

      I think it is a liTTle after three AM at your place so I hope you are asleep. If it is summertime, vvhy are you in school? Right novv it is dark vvhere I live too, but don't let that scare you, both of us being in the dark at the same time. VVe vvill survive.

    3. It would be nice to have an exact replica in metal, someone wanted to buy it thinking it was metal but ran away once they knew it was cardboard. You see cardboard sculpture has no commercial future so I an forced to remain an artist on the edge.

      I should write the fairytale of the Bear and the three Goldilocks to fill this void in the Google search machine....

      Yes yesterday was Sunday it was rather quiet at school but we do not break up for the summer until about mid July and return to school in the first week in September..... I think?

      I am never scared in the dark because I always take a light lunch with me ...... ...... ...... HAH HAHH HAH HAHAH HA HAH HAHH AH HAH HAH HH HAHAHH HAH hah ah hahah ha hahhaha hha

  3. That poor goat! Does he ever get any peace?
    And Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy, looks like the kind of woman who could kill a man with just her thumb!

    1. The Goat is quite happy he knows that he will land in the large out of town supermarket full of wonderful thinks to eat. Usually for about 5 minutes it is assumed it is a mad little old lady and the staff avoid him. Then they notice the horns and the tail and give chase, luckily the goat always manages to get through the express five items or less super quick. (I think anyone passing this blog will be thinking WHAT ????)

      Miss Fionaski the Famous Russian Spy is in reallity just an old softy I have known her for ages, she is married to Mexican Dave the truck driver who will always wave as he passes. I usually think whose that? because he is never in the same truck twice. Miss Fionaski is a Facebook follower and used to live just down the road from our old house in Monty, she still does as it happens it is us that moved....

      She did have a bit of a run in with 'The Wicked Witch of the West' yesterday thus the story.....