Thursday, 30 June 2011
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Monday, 27 June 2011
Sunday, 26 June 2011
Saturday, 25 June 2011
All my hard work to make the blog look nice has ended in the blog having no visitors so I think this just goes to show my skill at such things is rubbish. Mum has said IDIOT. I will have to keep my efforts to defeating wild mutant monsters, mad ghosts, three hundred foot long electric worms that have started to eat elderly allotment holders (rumour has it that it is a cunning plan by the government to reduce the pension’s bill). And Nano-Penguins.
I appear to have three frogs watching me through the window as I write my diary.
Friday, 24 June 2011
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
Pirate Pete is under the impression the local protesters are against electricity and want to bring back steam power, dad said he will join that movement too they both rather like steam, but its not good for my diary, a steam computer is huge. Dad built one once that could count to twenty two but it fell through the floor into the cellar when it got as far as fifteen.
Sooty the cat is almost normal now and has stopped making so much noise, Heavy Harry the Cat has started to catch baby rabbits and eat them YUK, he does this at this time of year and gets told off but he sneaks round the back of the house and hides from us. The dog is contemplating writing his life story on the grounds that my diary is rubbish and a dog could do better. And Rusty the Robot Dog is pretending to be Fred Astaire and has dressed Fluffy the Cat (Mr Jenkins cat) as Ginger Rogers. Not sure Mr Jenkins will appreciate the fact his white cat has been dyed ginger.
The picture by the way is Kay from the cover of an album made many moons ago by the Ghost Writer in another life called "The Album of Dark Tales and Blues" and is now only available in Napoleon Beelzebub's Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop in our little town on request.
And I bet you thought it was not a real shop
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
So by about half past three in the afternoon dad, the dog, Rusty the Robot Dog and Captain Flint the Parrot were all ready to raid the building in Ystradgynlais only as it happened an elite squad of SAS were passing and were wondering what was going on so they raided the building with stun grenades and CS gas and machine guns. The master criminals were a bit surprised and run off well limped off very fast screaming and coughing. So by four o’clock I was heading back home in the back of a car so my diary is a bit late because I needed lots of food as they didn’t feed me all day.
Tiggy Booth-jones Wow Rob, sounds as if you have had quite an exciting day!!
Well I was stuck in a room full of computers and no food.
Tiggy Booth-jones Wot, no food .... and a room full of computers, and you such a young and impressionable lad ......surprised such news did not hit the News at Ten .... all we got was Carwyn Jones droning on.
Monday, 20 June 2011
Yes I know, I can hear you all moaning and complaining about yet another bad joke. Not like that Harry Potter he is rubbish at bad jokes as I’ve said in the past. Anyway you are distracting me again now
I have asked the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and Prophecy Machine about the stories of Pirates and private detectives and it said they are in fact the CIA, MI6 and FBI who have been monitoring my diary on the internet in my blog. I mentioned that myself I think. Anyway they are having another attempt and obtaining some of my more interesting items for investigation such as the Einstein Cube. They think by pretending to be pirates they will be able to infiltrate the inner sanction of our home much as Pirate Pete has.
I have never tried snake charming in school before the music teacher thinks that we all need an incentive to learn the recorder properly. She says that in all the years she has been teaching everyone has been rubbish. So in order to improve our standard if we don’t play very well the Cobra will bite us and we will all die. This might explain what the headmaster was talking about in assembly the other day when the music teacher was off sick; he said she was under a lot of strain as a result of thirty years of stress caused by pupils making an awful screeching din. Apparently it’s where the Americans got the idea of playing loud music to prisoners for days on end from. It is an effective form of torture on everyone except ex-music teachers.
After school I walked home because it was still sunny despite what the man on the wireless told me this morning, and I met Miss Marple only she had a patch over one eye and a pair of designer dark sun glasses on and was saying HAR HAR HAR ROGER AND OUT.
Sunday, 19 June 2011
OK what’s the time 1:20 pm. I think today might last a long time if it has to do the whole twenty four hours I might use the Einstein Cube and take a short cut.
Saturday, 18 June 2011
Heavy Harry is at least four time bigger and will beat up Sooty the Cat in passing just to show it who is boss, Sooty is stupid however and will run up to Heavy Harry to be friends but gets hissed at and then thumped.
Friday, 17 June 2011
But then after school I had to go to the out of town supermarket with mum and dad and Rusty the Robot Dog who they can’t ban because he’s a robot. And because he has six legs if they say he is a dog dad points out it has six legs and dogs don’t have six legs so he is an insect and they haven’t banned insects.
Anyway although the supermarket is like a sardine tin with all the people, the town is very quiet and all the shops say it’s a very odd year for customers. I have never quite worked out why it is a good idea to have all the shops out of town in the first place surely it makes more sense to have shops in a town; like Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop. But apparently the general public don’t like quirky individual shops and they like all the shops to be the same so a deep fried spicy squid and mash potato sandwich with roast cashew nuts and marsh mallows must look identical in every shop in
One day dad says the multinational branded bland, every shop looking the same will crumble like the Roman empire (I think they were a cinema chain in the fifties) and the individual will once again rule. Dad was standing on a freezer cabinet in the supermarket when he made that speech and although Rusty the Dog, the ghost writer, and two little old ladies cheered we were thrown out and we went home and mum said IDIOT.
Paul Nessman Is the world ending again? I didn't know about the last one until the day it was supposed to have occurred. Good thing too, because if I live one day like it is my last then I might do something that I regret.
Fiona Knight If it is soon to be the end then perhaps we should try becoming part of a gawk of tourists.
Paul Nessman You mean I should wait to give extra treats?...oops. Miss Fiona, congratulations on your apparent promotion...or is that top secret?
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Last nights drumming was good and it was nice and noisy, always a good sign that all is well with the group., and I did get to have a little blast on the guitar. The rest of the group say it would be really good if I could actually play something but I quite like all the noise and feedback, Dad taught me to do that on the his white Fender Strat with the burnt top which he has had for a very long time. He said his mate Jimmy torched it but he was allowed too because he was quite good at playing it. Luckily it is left hand strung because I’m left handed like dad and dads mate Jimmy.
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
At school class 7G were celebrating the success of “Harry Richards Tomb” their tunnel and the delivery of Battered Cod, Double Chips and Mushy Peas to the Geography teacher which will ensure they all get distinctions in the practical exam projects. It was very nice to have fish and chips for lunch at school although the headmaster was extremely confused as to where all the fish and chips were coming from. At first he blamed Mr Oliver the new school cook who has fallen on hard times from making the public eat too many healthy foods, but he is still making healthy food so YUK. Anyway he knows something’s going on (the headmaster not Mr Oliver) so he has bugged the school. So now the whole school is full of bugs. I told mum the school was full of bugs when I got home and she said o no not again but I think she might be thinking of the wrong kind of bug.
I have got an itchy head now NOT FAIR.
Monday, 13 June 2011
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Napoleon Beelzebub is not a great fan of rain he quite liked the drought so today we found him sat in the embers of his fire in the inglenook, he usually takes a cosy chair into the inglenook but says they are not that fire proof and nearly always burn leaving nothing but a few springs and screws and sometimes the occasional coin. But they do keep him warm although he seldom gets to finish The Times crossword puzzle as it will go up in smoke very quickly.
Pirate Pete has been feeling a bit home sick for the sea after our trip recently so dad has built him a crow’s nest on a tall mast attached to the chimney on the roof of the house. It has proved very useful as in the morning he will shout Postman ahoy so the postman no longer has to negotiate past the dog or Rusty the Robot Dog. The dog is OK he just likes to make sure all the letters are spelt correctly and eats any junk mail but Rusty the Robot Dog has a in built programming desire to bite the postman. Luckily Pirate Pete has managed to convince Rusty the Robot Dog that the postman is in fact the ghost of the captain of the Titanic. The dog says that Rusty the Robot Dog is still young and impressionable and as he puts it an IDIOT even if he does have six legs and a Nitrogen cooled nano technology Germanium based multi core processor with a fuzzy logic interface (that’s Rusty the Robot Dog not Pythagoras the Dog). Anyway the postman is sort of safe as long as he has the life size model seagull on his head that dad gave him and talks to rusty about icebergs.
The temporary postman did not fair so well the other day but when he complained to his superiors about being bitten by a six legged dog talking in Latin he was given a week off work to recover from stress and for being delusional.
I was asking the Joules Verne Pocket Oracle and prophecy Machine if it could keep track of what I have done and what I might do as sometimes I loss the plot and worry my diary might not make any sense. But it stated to go on about some horse somewhere that had bolted and shutting doors, so I think it might be faulty. I did try to ask it if it was faulty and it said IDIOT and reminded me about the big storm in the autumn again.
Saturday, 11 June 2011
Dad did explain that a strategically placed gate and a huge fifty foot razor wire fence and security monitors would stop the children from a fate worse than death or death. But mum said that is tactically not a good sales technique for a nice detached house in the rural hills of the Welsh borders. Although it would work well if they were planning a nuclear submarine base, but to tell the truth I don’t think they looked the type really.
I have been involved in the production of invitations for the preview of the next exhibition in the gallery space of Napoleon Beelzebub’s Very Strange Victorian Curiosity Shop today so things are running slightly behind schedule once again. Its diaries apparently they are something of a commitment and the corporate sponsors say I have got to finish year one by the end of the year, well the fist week of September which will be a year and a bit. If I don’t they force me to sit me in a bath of Coca Cola where I will dissolve and the resulting drink will be sold as a limited edition Cyber Coke with the secret ingredient (Me) as recommended by the dog. I think the dog might be in some secret deal with the sponsors.
My blog which is the other outlet of my diary has strangely become very popular in
All the children of the power crazed decedent west drink Coca Cola which is not good for them and makes all their teeth vanish or fall out and drives them mad so they no longer function correctly and end up turning into corporate puppets buying pointless items as seen on TV and fight to the death over free gifts attached to Coca Cola bottles.
Ironically youth are rebellious by nature genetically across the world and the result of this is that sales of Coca Cola in
I have now been told that the corporate sponsors are planning to remove this entire page and mum and dad have told me off again for mentioning politics and the dog and Rusty the Robot dog are annoyed because they get free Coca Cola from a large company who wish to remain anonymous.
Friday, 10 June 2011
Before I forget the man on the news on the wireless said it is now official we are having a drought only it was poring with rain at the time so that was a bit odd and then later in the day Derrick the Weatherman was in Montgomery with a film crew filming for his TV walkabout series but it was sunny then. But he is a weatherman so I suspect he was able to organize that with the powers that be.
Thursday, 9 June 2011
Dad and the dog say we should have finished all that stuff last year in school and that the physics teacher is a bit slow. I did tell dad that most of the pupils didn’t understand a word of what the teacher was talking about but the dog thinks that just can not be true as everyone has done Geo-thermal dynamics in the moons of Jupiter. Even Enid Blyton covers something similar in the Famous Five books. I don’t remember that I thought they were about that Michael Jackson singer bloke, but apparently that only happens if you start reading the books from the back to the front and then I got told off for reading my books the wrong way round. But I did point out that it makes War and Peace a bit happier well sort of anyway; and that mum reads things backwards sometimes, but she said they were ancient Chinese manuscripts she is translating for a friend and are written backwards.
I am a bit late again with the diary but according to the dog it is due to two effects the first is the solar flare activity on the sun which has been rather high in recent days and the second is the activity on Io one of the moons orbiting Jupiter. The resulting apposing magnetic fields and the gravitational flux caused by the present position on the planets mean time has shifted slightly, the result of which is my diary is late. The ghost write is on the street shouting its all the fault of the aliens again but mum said he’s an IDIOT. I hope not he has to turn my diary into a book so that’s a bit of a worry.
Sooty is better the vet looked at his stitches today YUK and he will go back a week tomorrow to get then removed but he has taken to sleeping on my head which is very awkward still it could be worse if the dog did that I would fall over.
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
The ghost writer is convinced that his things have been abducted by aliens and that there is a plot by aliens to get him. I hope that is true I haven’t seen the aliens yet but I suspect they might be green (not as in ECO but green as in bright green) with skinny arms and big eyes. If they say take me to your leader I’m not sure if I should take them to see mum or the prime minister, everyone else at school thinks I should take them to see mum and not that other bloke. The other Bloke makes it sound like mums a bloke and that’s not true but then the prime minister is not a woman (I think) although he does have a political partner who is a man, but I don’t understand politics and we don’t mention it here because mum, dad, the corporate sponsors and Steven Spielberg don’t like politics but they do like aliens especially green ones who drink Coca Cola. The ghost writer is now walking up and down the street with a banner that says I HATE ALIENS on one side and GIVE ME BACK MY STUFF on the other written in bright green paint, mum has just said IDIOT and the corporate sponsors have sent Benny Neckbender round to offer him a Coke he cant refuse.
Sooty the Cat is a bit better today but has to wear a collar like a lamp shade to stop him trying to eat all his stitches which would result in him falling in half, sort off. COOL, mum said IDIOT again. I must ask Auntie Karen if Mr Ian the Musical Hat Maker had to wear a collar like a lamp shade to stop him eating his stitches.
By the way mum has made loads of fairy cakes just in case the aliens turn up but the dog says aliens dont like fairy cakes so me and the dog and Rusty the Robot Dog are eating a few YUM just to test them to make sure they taste good….
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
And I appear to have lost something that I put away safe the other week and can no longer find, and I know I only have the one of them which is a bit of a worry. What makes it even more worrying is I cant remember what it is either but I know it is very important and I need to find it. The ghost writer has done the same thing and has put a whole lot of work on CD’s in a safe place and it is so safe he no longer knows where it is either, luckily for me it is not my manuscript but he is not happy and says he will find it when he least needs it because that’s what happens.
Nelson Beelzebub says possessions are a distraction to corrupt the human mind and that we all need more and more of them and in the end it can drive some people mad and make them evil and selfish. Its why he has loads of stuff in his shop so everyone can buy it and get lots of loyalty points and get to go down to the bottom of his cellar. I asked him if it still counted if you have lots of things but can’t find them but he said he didn’t know and it is not so much the things as the state of mind the things create. The ghost writer says his things certainly drive him mad and they are getting a good telling off once he finds them. Sooty the cat now has bits he will never find again although mum said she would have preferred it if the vet had not said look we have removed these and waved a clear plastic tube with bits in at her. YUK.