Tuesday, 15 February 2011

The first few days of the blog or day one million of the FB diary from Mid Wales


It is Auntie Karen’s birthday today The Zombies are keen to have another party to celebrate, but the pirates are a bit low on supplies of rum. So it will only be a small party. Auntie Karen has said she will not visit until all the spies go away.

Auntie Karen was once part of a mass protest group involving hundreds who marched on the MI6 headquarters in London they were all musicians and chained themselves to the main entrance and played The Pink Panther theme song all day. The police did try to get them to stop playing but one hundred saxophone players at full volume with supporting brass and woodwind plus percussion and a string section meant no one could hear the police. It even made the international news in the days before MI6 did publicity and tours of their building. As mum says spies are rubbish now. Auntie Karen has no time for spies since she found out they like to listen to Britney Spears and Bon Jovi. Auntie Karen was also part of a protest movement that stuck flowers in the barrels of soldiers guns a long time ago, but mum said Auntie Karen was always more practical minded so she filled the barrels of the soldiers guns with flour. The army got a bit upset then as flour is much harder to get out of a gun than flowers, Auntie Karen keeps a much lower profile in the hills of Wales now bearing in mind she is still making lots of noise with a saxophone. One of her greatest achievements to date though is the Pink Panther theme song is still banded from all UK and USA government buildings and if you play it near a group of spies they tend to run off with their fingers in their ears, and they don’t like saxophones.

I can walk about again and do things without falling over or wondering where I am or who I am. I have noticed I am well enough to go out now just as it has started raining, well that is not very fair.  Dad and Mr Jenkins used to go fly fishing together once, and when I went out I found them standing in the middle of the fish pond in waders practicing their casting.

At first I thought it looked a bit silly for a start off there are no trout in the fish pond and if you’re standing in the middle then you can only cast onto the land. But they were catching dark sunglasses, Mr Jenkins has won prizes for his accuracy in casting so he said hooking a pair of sunglasses off the nose of a spy was dead easy. I think Mr Jenkins had nearly fifty pairs and dad only twelve. They said standing in waders in the pond in the rain made it feel just like the old days but they were both rather sad that sunglasses don’t taste like fresh wild rainbow trout. Although they did both insist on hitting the sunglasses over the head with a large rock to kill them. Mr Jenkins said they had to hit them with a big rock to ensure the sunglasses were completely armless, and then they both fell about laughing for a while before returning to tales about the huge 50ft salmon that got away by eating through the side of the boat.
The dog and the pirates decided they might join in and play Eye Spy. Pirates have a bit of a reputation for plucking the eyes out of their enemies although they do like to point out they generally only take the one. They only take two if the person is very annoying and they always offer a glass one to replace the real one although they say if the spies are going to wear dark sunglasses the glass eyes are pointless as no one will see them.

The pirates are spending the evening playing marbles and the dog is designing a marble run than can deal with squidgy bits. Dad and Mr Jenkins are telling us all about the prescription reactalight designer sunglasses that got away. Mum said there is eye scream for pud YUM 


The Einstein Cube turned jet black in the middle of the night. The Joules Verne pocket oracle and prophecy machine has said it is due to miss use and the Einstein Cube has its own defence system for dealing with this. I said I had hardly used it. But the Joules Verne pocket oracle and prophecy machine said the miss use hasn’t happened yet.

It told me I must never use a Einstein Cube when it is black and I should put it in a sturdy wooden box and take it to the wood and bury it, ten paces north from a big oak tree with a woodpecker hammering high up near the top. I then had to make a map but showing the Einstein Cube buried ten paces south of the oak tree and leave the map in my super deluxe garden shed. Me and the dog did all that and went back to see what the Joules Verne pocket oracle and prophecy machine would tell us to do next.  All it said was Einstein Cubes are multi-dimensional but never ever keep the black ones.  It also said we should have another long walk in the woods and watch.  I needed a rest first I still get very puffed when I do stuff; then when me and the dog arrived back at the oak tree the spies had dug the wooden box up with the Einstein Cube in and were running off in the other direction. We tried to chase them but I am not up to running so they got away. Then when we walked back to the oak tree the pirates had my map and were digging the other side of the tree. What was very surprising is they found a great big sea chest full of pirate stuff and it even had half a treasure map in it, they were very excited. Then they found a small wooden box with my name on it which they gave to me, an inside that was very shiny silver Einstein Cube. We all went home then and the pirates decided to have a party (again). It was a funny evening because every now and again a pair of dark designer sunglasses would fall out of the sky, but I have heard dad talk about the spy in the sky before when he was growing all those plants in the cellar; with the big lamps and foil on the wall. Dad just said IDIOT, he hasn’t said that for a while.


The spies have all gone, well sort of gone there does seen to be the odd pair of dark sunglasses falling out of the sky. They even mentioned it on the national news and say it is due to freak winds in Washington DC that have sucked the sunglasses off a large number of government officials and dropped them round the world, a bit like frogs.

Mum said IDIOTS; she says it’s a cover story to hide the fact they are messing about with the black Einstein Cube. Several Sunglasses manufacturers are rather upset because the sale of sunglasses has plummeted as everyone is waiting for a nice pair to fall out of the sky.
The pirates are packing up ready to go too as they have the half a map they found yesterday and they have half a map from the dog. The fact that they are two different maps does not appear to worry them and they say one is a left half and the other a right half so its OK.  The robot zombies are looking forward to going to sea as pirates and have even been for swimming lessons in the local pool. Although they did get banned in the end for making the life guard walk the plank (well the diving board) and shouting HAR HAR HAR a lot.  I think the final straw was when one of them shouted SHARK and all the children in the pool run outside screaming.


I was well enough to go back to school today; mum gave me a note to excuse me from thinking in class. Luckily there are a lot of people who have had the same bug including some of the teachers. In the English lesson we had to guess the name of the teacher, but it was only because the English teacher could not remember his name.
The school bus was half empty because of the bug but it was nice to see my friends again, well some of them. They were really jealous that mum had given me a note excusing me from thinking they said they don’t like thinking much either so I am very lucky. I said I thought I was lucky too but then that meant I was thinking and I was not meant to do that so I had to lie down on the back seat of the bus then.  One of the really clever pupils said we have created a thought provoking paradox about thinking and most of the other pupils all came and hid at the back of the bus and said their heads hurt.

The pirates left this morning on their adventure. Shawn dad’s robot assistant has decided to go with them but Pirate Pete is going to stay with us because dad made him steam powered bionic legs instead of his wooden ones so he can now run at nearly fifty miles an hour; although he is not very good at stopping yet and tends to hit walls a lot. He can jump about twenty feet high so he is very bouncy and is planning to take over from Shawn as dad’s assistant in his workshop. He is not as good as Shawn at drumming but Captain Flint the parrot is really pleased as they have been exchanging old pirate tales for a while now. It will be quite good to have a pirate about still.


It is a very wet day today, so I don’t mind being at school only we had Maths, French, Physics, Chemistry,  English, Information Technology, Geography, Politics, History, Craft and design, Latin and Post Industrial Social Architecture. As well trying to climb ropes in the Gym; so I was well scrambled by the time it was home time.
The wet weather has suddenly made all the frogs and toads active and there are loads of them in the boggy bit of the garden singing (well sort of singing).  We get loads of frogs spawn each year and once the tadpoles start swimming about we try and give them some dog food. They only get cheap tinned dog food but it stops them eating each other. I am not sure why they do that it really is not very nice is it. You don’t see us humans fighting and eating each other, do you (well not very often anyway).

Dad has said that Mr Pickup and Mercedes will be up to visit Mr Jenkins next week as its half term already.  I did say that half term had arrived very quickly and dad said that’s the first sign of getting old. He said as you get older time goes faster but you go slower, He said its like being a snail getting catapulted across a field or into your neighbours garden.  I don’t think I like the sound of that, but at least I know what dad does with the snails now I wondered where they went.

Mum took Pirate Pete to the supermarket today to help with doing the shopping but his steam powered bionic legs kept hissing at the customers so the manager said if he didn’t stop his legs hissing at people he would be banned. Pirate Pete being a pirate made him walk the plank although it was only into a freezer with frozen peas and various other veg. The manager did get very cold because Pirate Pete sat on the lid of the freezer until mum found him and said he had to let the manager go. By then the manager was a bit frost bitten and delirious so was taken to hospital to warm up. Mum has decided she might leave Pirate Pete at home next time just in case the manager remembers his hissing legs

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